Apparently, Hollywood has run out of original ideas and has taken it upon themselves to remake every classic movie- thereby ruining them for generations of fans. “Psycho,” “The Omen,” “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” are some examples of recent victims. Also rumored to be on the remake block are “Grease,” which may star Jessica Simpson (gag), and now “Rosemary’s Baby.” The classic camp horror film that launched the careers of Roman Polanski and Mia Farrow is said to be getting the makeover treatment by “Transformers” and “Armageddon” auteur Michael Bay. Why, Hollywood, WHY?

I’m really trying to hold back with the rage while sharing this news. The above image describes it pretty well. Mia Farrow, I imagine, fells similarly. Here we go. Checking the thesaurus for pleasant adjectives.

Michael Bay, genius American auteur responsible for classics ranging from the delicate fairy tale Armageddon to the sublimely moving Pearl Harbor, is spearheading the production of yet another classic horror remake. After adding millions of dollars of terrific production design and Jessica Biel’s ample acting talents to Tobe Hooper’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre, IWatchStuff.com is reporting that Bay’s next task as horror-remake-producer could be Rosemary’s Baby, Roman Polanski’s suspense classic about a pixieish young woman impregnated with Satan’s spawn. Based on Ira Levin’s chilling, darkly funny novel about cultural paranoia and religious fanaticism, this great American classic has been screaming for a remake produced by the director of Bad Boys, Con Air, Bad Boys 2, and Transformers. Satan will finally receive his wish.

[From Getty Images Movie Blog]

I’m really trying to understand two key things here:
1) Why can’t Hollywood come up with decent new stories to tell on film anymore? Why violate beloved classic movies that people enjoy in their original form?
2) Who the hell thought Michael Bay would be a good choice for this particular remake? Instead of creepy suspense, is the new version of ‘Rosemary’s Baby’ going to have explosions, CGI robots and fight scenes?

I’ll be skipping this one and watching my original at home on DVD, thank you very much.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Michael Bay (along with Josh Duhamel) at the Transformers Movie Tokyo Premiere on July 24th. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Stories like these are why I became a writer - this is one of my rare serious moments. Paris Hilton is currently rehearsing for her new role in “Repo! The Genetic Opera.” I’ll wait while you process that.

“The movie, based on a successful theatrical production by Terrence Zdunich and Darren Smith, is about an organ failure epidemic in 2056 that forces people to purchase genetically perfect ones from Geneco, a biotech company committed to collecting regular payments.

“’The idea is that everybody is buying up organs, and they cannot afford to pay for these organs,’ director Darren Lynn Bousman recently told MTV. ‘Thus, legalized organ repo-men come into the picture. Murder becomes sanctioned by law. So, if you buy a heart and can’t afford it, someone can burst through the door and take your heart out… and they don’t get in trouble for it.’”

[From Canada.com]

All of the dialogue in “Repo! The Genetic Opera” is sung. Paul Sorvino will play Geneco’s owner, and Hilton will play his daughter. The movie also stars Alexa Vega from “Spy Kids” and Tobin Bell from “Saw.” Paris refused to comment specifically on the movie, but did tell E! News that she was currently rehearsing for a “’very cool and unique project…We’re just in the studio. We’re doing dance and singing.’”

This makes my heart sing. I didn’t actually see Paris in “House of Wax” but I have read enough jokes about it that I feel I know the movie well enough to join in. And I didn’t buy her “album,” but again I’ve heard enough smack talked about it that I think it’s fair of me to say this: when you put Paris’s previous acting and singing skills together, you don’t come out with much. It’s kind of like that basic math you learned in third grade, that if you multiply anything by zero, no matter what it was you had in the first place, you end up with nothing. And Paris Hilton is that great big zero. I’d make a joke about how maybe that repo man came and reposed her brain… or her talent… or her conscious… or her [fill in whatever vapid Paris characteristic you’d like here] but that would be too easy, so I won’t.

Update by Celebitchy: Along with appearing in that rock opera in Canada, Paris is trying to breathe new life into what was considered a failed music career. She was shooting a music video this weekend, and rapper Akon has launched a public appeal to get her to sign on to his record label. He says “I would definitely sign her to my label ‘cos she’s a character. You give her the cutest record, something that’s just for women, an anthem; I think it will be outta here!” [From Net Music Countdown] I would just like to see Paris get dry humped on stage by Akon - only if she was willing. There’s nothing funny about simulated rape. It doesn’t seem to me like she would object, though.

Another update: This is a movie, not a play as I originally assumed based on the title.

Picture of Paris leaving the studio this weekend from Splash News.