Howard Stern and his crew routinely take celebrity audiobooks and mix and match words and syllables to create rude and outrageous phrases that sort-of sound like they’re coming from the celebrity. The results are creatively stupid and often disgusting toilet humor, a fraction of which might pass as an actual sentence but most of which sounds outrageous and stilted. Howard and Robin present the phrases like they’re real and talk about how crazy it is that the person would be saying that, but it’s glaringly fake and it’s doubtful anyone believes it. Former Star Trek star George Takei has gone on the show when people are prank-called using mixes of his books. He’s laughed through it all good-naturedly, likening the results to raunchy audio Picassos.

One of the latest celebrities to be subjected to an audiobook sampling mix is 62 year old country legend Dolly Parton, and hers was definitely obnoxious and insulting. Phrases included:
God damn I love n*r cock
Kenny Rogers loves to piss inside little boys a*holes
Linda Rondstadt is a really fat tub of sh*t

Instead of trying to ignore it or saying that it was an obvious manipulation, Parton issued a statement that it really upset her and that she’s considering suing:

Dolly Parton has hit back against “The Howard Stern Show,” which last week manipulated recordings from one her audio books into seemingly racist and sexually graphic sound bites.

“I have never been so shocked, hurt and humiliated in all my life,” Parton says in a statement. “I cannot believe what Howard Stern has done to me. In a blue million years, I would never have such vulgar things come out of my mouth. They have done editing or some sort of trickery to make this horrible, horrible thing. Please accept my apology for them and certainly know I had nothing to do with this.”

“If there was ever going to be a lawsuit, it’s going to be over this,” she continued. “Just wanted you to know that I am completely devastated by this.”

[From Billboard.com via Gossip Rocks]

The phrases attributed to Parton involved the n word and pedophilia so you can see how she would get extremely upset about it. I listened to a bunch of these mixups, they’re below, and some were definitely funny but they went too far in many cases. That’s pretty much expected for Howard Stern, but you can’t blame Parton for saying that it’s way out of line and that she’s really hurt by it.

When I heard this I thought that Parton might have a new book out from which they’re sampling, but her biography Dolly: My Life and Other Unfinished Business came out over 10 years ago.

Here are some clips from the Howard Stern show in which they do these audiobook mixes – warning on all of these. Don’t listen if you have kids around or are at work without headphones, they’re raunchy.

Dolly Parton Audiobook Mashup

Ed McMahon audiobook
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George Takei “calls” a self-professed Hillbilly
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George Takei Deli Prank
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Nasty Oprah Audiobook, featuring George Takei in the studio
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Dolly Parton is shown on 5/1/08 on her way to play Radio City Music Hall, thanks to WENN.

Anyone who thought shock jock Howard Stern’s radio show would lose steam once it made the leap to satellite radio hasn’t been listening lately. If you have been listening to his Sirius show, you have been witnessing the slow, uncomfortable breakdown of comedian/on-air sidekick Artie Lange. Lange, a portly stand-up comedian who replaced longtime sidekick Jackie Martling and has become a beloved figure on the show, has been gaining even more weight, blackout drinking and dabbling in drugs over the last year, to the point that his co-workers have expressed concern on-air. Lange’s downward spiral finally came to a head yesterday on the air, when he physically attacked his assistant and hurled various epithets at him, and then quit the show.

Stern was finally left speechless yesterday after a brawl erupted inside his Sirius Satellite studio between his hard-partying sidekick Artie Lange and Lange’s assistant, Teddy, which ended with Lange’s quitting the show.

The bickering started off air in the morning, in the hallway adjacent to Stern’s studio. Show staffers overheard Lange screaming at Teddy because Teddy asked him for his passport for the fourth time as he planned their flight to Amsterdam, which was set to take off last night. Lange told Teddy he should have photocopied the passport the first time.

Stern was told they had been bickering and brought it up on air. When Teddy came in to defend himself, Lange snapped.

“He’s a loser,” yelled Lange. “He’s the most unorganized assistant. I want to fire him, but he has no money. I hope he dies of AIDS.”

Lange, who pays Teddy $24,000 a year for part-time work, then accused Teddy of embarrassing him in front of friends last week in LA when he called Bloomingdale’s department store by its nickname, Bloomie’s, and announced the store didn’t have something in Lange’s size.

“I think I hired a fag,” said Lange. “I wanted to throw him out the window.”

Lange then threw a cup of water at Teddy and lunged at him, throwing a punch that didn’t land. Show writer Benjy Bronk jumped on Lange and held him back, while Ronnie “The Limo Driver” Mund burst in to get Teddy out of the studio.

Lange blamed Stern for the fight, saying that Stern “pushed” him to the breaking point and that he couldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t snap again in the future. He then told Stern he loved him and resigned.

“Don’t ever mention Bloomie’s around the guy,” Stern sighed.

One show insider says that the staff loves Lange and is “extremely upset” but that it’s out of Stern’s hands and that Sirius management will soon decide Lange’s fate. The show is on a break next week.

Both Lange and Teddy failed to return calls for comment. Lange was last spotted by a fan at the Brooklyn Diner on West 57th, drowning his sorrows in a plate of food.

[From Page Six]

It’s a shame that Lange is at such a low point that he feels the need to lash out both physically and verbally at someone “smaller” than him. The poor kid is making what equates to less than minimum wage and doesn’t deserve to be called names and attacked. Hopefully, Lange will check himself into rehab, look back on this and realize that this was his “rock bottom” moment. Stern, for his part, was extremely upset at the end of the broadcast and tried to defuse the situation, asking Artie to go cool off and then come back to work tomorrow, but it was too late.

Update by Celebitchy: Here’s the audio clip, which was initially blocked by Sirius through a cease and desist they sent out. Sirius has since issued the OK to publish it. Thanks to Rowdy on Redlasso for this clip.

Artie Lang is shown at “Artie Lang’s Beer League” premiere on 9/16/06, thanks to PRPhotos.

Howard Stern announced way back in 2002 that he was working on remakes of 1982 teen sex comedy Porky’s and the 1979 Ramones teen rebellion flick Rock ‘N Roll High School. Not much came of those projects for years, but now it’s been announced that Stern’s version of Porky’s is a go, and will start filming in October of this year:

“They say [The Porky's remake is] all greenlit and everything, ready to go. They say they can even start shooting in October, but I don’t know if that’s true,” says Stern. “It seemed like a fun project, which it is.”

[Quote is of unknown origin, probably from Stern's radio show. From Slashfilm.com via Fark]

I don’t remember much about those three Porky’s films except for the fact that they were usually on HBO on Friday and Saturday nights when my parents would typically be out. Those were the type of movies that were strictly forbidden that you made sure you watched whenever possible.

The author notes that Superbad, which comes out on Friday, is in the same R-rated teen comedy genre and if it does well at the box office it could mean that the new Porky’s will be fast-tracked. Incidentally, that Superbad movie is getting excellent reviews from critics and has a whopping 95% aggregate rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

There’s not a lot known about the Porky’s remake from what I could find. The original featured horny teenagers in rural Florida and was set in 1954. I bet Stern’s version will be set in modern day.

Yahoo! Movies has an entry about the project’s status way back in 2003. At that time it was thought that Stern would use unknown actors, as in the original, and might make a cameo. It was not thought that he will have a large role in the film.

In 2005, Commentors on Scott Weinberg’s blog on Rotten Tomatoes were overwhelmingly negative about a potential Porky’s remake by Stern.

Prosper761 was particularly harsh:

Whose brilliant (I wish a [sic] typed text had a way to convey sarcasm) idea was this? Thank goodness Bob Clarke redeemed himself with “A Christmas Story.” That anyone would even entertain the idea that remaking “Porky’s” is a worthwhile project, is beyond my imagination. Are there no producers willing to make original films anymore? Are there no screenwriters writing original material anymore? (well, that at least I know is not true). No wonder the rest of the world hates America — just look at the reptetive, unoriginal crap that Hollywood foists on them (and us). Anyone interested in starting a grassroots campaign against remakes?

[From Scott Weinberg's blog on Rotten Tomatoes]

Maybe that kind of response is why the film was delayed for five years.

Original Porky’s header image from Canuxploitation.

Howard Stern wears a wig – at least according to a new book coming out by a rival DJ:

XM Radio’s Opie and Anthony also dish that they believe Stern has hair plugs.

Obviously these guys have nothing better to do than to speculate about the most successful DJ of all time. Stern’s hair does look suspiciously full, but he has always had lots of hair. It wouldn’t be that damning to Stern if this is actually true though, considering that he has admitted to having plastic surgery to reconstruct his nose and remove the fat from his chin.

Howard Stern is being sued by former employer CBS for promoting his upcoming Sirius show on the air. Stern was proportedly warned to cut it out, but kept on it in his trademark style:

Stern says it’s personal and that he disclosed details of his new contract to CBS.

Whatever the outcome, CBS is losing money. Stern’s replacement, David Lee Roth, is tanking in the ratings.