If you have children, you were probably subjected to Nickelodeon’s 25th Annual Kid’s Choice Awards ceremony on Saturday night. You have my sincerest condolences. I, too, had to watch, and it was often eyeroll-inducing: lame banter between celebrity presenters; boring and unfunny “behind the scenes” skits; stupid slime stunts that dragged out the show even longer and wayyyy too much Disney product, in the form of Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. Miley Cyrus won favorite female television star and favorite female musical artist, much to my daughter’s delight.

There were a few bright spots in the broadcast, including host Jack Black’s over-the-top opening musical number, in which he wore a bright green superhero costume and rocked out with a giant octopus playing guitar to the Kiss song “I Was Made for Loving You,” with the lyrics changed to “I Was Made for Sliming You.” (In my opinion, Black was the only funny, high-energy part of the show and should have been allowed to riff and get crazy even more.) The theme of each Kids’ Choice Awards, you see, is that celebs and kids in the audience get buckets of green slime poured on their heads at random moments. Slimed celebs included Harrison Ford, who recreated a famous scene from “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” which concluded with him being covered in green slime. Other mildly amusing segments included a celebrity belching contest that featured Jodie Foster attempting to burp along to the song “YMCA.”

All in all, the show had the same problems as most other awards shows: it went on too long, there was too much unfunny dialog, and the host didn’t get enough chances to do what he does best. But if you are at all interested in the winners, here they are.

Favorite TV Show: Drake and Josh
Favorite Reality Show: American Idol
Favorite TV Actor: Drake Bell (from Drake and Josh)
Favorite TV Actress: Miley Cyrus
Favorite Cartoon: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Favorite Movie: Alvin and the Chipmunks
Favorite Movie Actor: Johnny Depp
Favorite Movie Actress: Jessica Alba
Favorite Animated Movie: Ratatouille
Favorite Animated Voice: Eddie Murphy (Shrek The Third)
Favorite Music Group: The Jonas Brothers
Favorite Song: “Girlfriend” by Avril Lavigne
Favorite Female Singer: Miley Cyrus
Favorite Male Singer: Chris Brown
Favorite Male Athlete: Tony Hawk
Favorite Female Athlete: Danica Patrick
Favorite Book: Harry Potter Series
Favorite Video Game: Madden NFL 2008
Wannabe Award: Cameron Diaz

If anything, the Kids’ Choice Awards gives parents a glimpse into the music, movies, and other pop culture their kids like– which should scare the crap out of you. I know I had a hard time sleeping knowing that the youth of America wants to be just like Cameron Diaz.

Though she’s used to spending much more time at the Ivy than at the Ivy League, Paris Hilton actually spent a little time at Harvard University yesterday. Yes THAT Harvard, not some bar or club that has a tricky name. And to further confuse your view of the fundamentals of world order, Paris was given an award. I’m pretty sure it’s the first one she’s ever gotten - you know she wasn’t event the kid that got the lame “Honorable Mention” award at the third grade science fair. Paris was awarded the Harvard Lampoon Humor Magazine’s Woman of the Year award. And she actually looked pretty cute… at least for Paris Hilton. She had a wry smile on her face that made me think she almost understood the joke. Almost. Because then she spoke.

Harvard University loves Paris Hilton. “Harvard is hot!” the 26-year old heiress proclaimed Wednesday as she posed for pictures holding a giant, oversized trophy on the steps of the Lampoon Castle in Cambridge Massachusetts.

“Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine standing here, standing on the steps of the Harvard Lampoon,” Hilton said. “It’s really exciting and I’ve had such a great time.”

The Lampoon award is a spoof of the annual honors given by Harvard’s Hasty Pudding Theatericals. Paris currently stars in the upcoming film The Hottie and the Nottie, which hits theaters on Friday. Hilton, who arrived an hour late for the festivities, told the crowd of about 100 people that her Simple Life Star, Nicole Richie, was also with her, then added: “Just kidding!”

[From OK! Magazine]

It’s too bad Paris made such lame jokes. This would have been the perfect opportunity for her to spend a few hundred bucks and hire someone to ghostwrite something funny for her, and actually pleasantly surprise everyone. She was gracious and seemed to enjoy herself. I’m guessing Paris capped off the closest thing she’s ever had to a college experience by playing some ultimate Frisbee on the quad and sleeping with a guy she later regretted.

Picture Note by JayBird: Images thanks to Splash.

It turns out that what stuffy old America really needs, according to X-Play/LFP Video, is a “Brady Bunch” porn spoof. Titled “Not the Bradys XXX” (and thank goodness for those three Xs at the end, or I might have mistaken it and shown it to children) the movie is “definitely expected to be the biggest selling feature title the Larry Flynt empire has seen in over 5 years and early pre-orders have been coming in even though the company has not yet offered the hardcore parody to buyers,” according to Oh No They Didn’t. Lest you fear the movie will focus on sex, please be assured that it will be entirely plot-driven.

Faced with financial difficulties at home due to slow business at his architectural firm, Mike and his wife Carol reluctantly tell the kids that the entire household will be on a budget for the next few months until business picks back up and the cash crisis ends. The kids get together and decide to help out by taking on odd jobs, holding car washes and pitching in wherever they can to help save the family house from bank foreclosure.

Wild fun and mayhem ensue especially when Marcia unwittingly applies for a job as a ‘figure model’ and finds out she’s about to star in a porn movie.”

[From the Porn Valley News]

More importantly, “Not the Bradys XXX” is going to stay true to its roots. “Not the Bradys XXX is directed by Will Ryder and since the movie is a hilarious parody, fans of the TV show will be extra-pleased with the accurate re-creation right down to the backyard grass and the campy music. ‘We all grew up watching the TV show, so it was really important to nail every detail in a completely humorous and sexy way,’ stated Scott David of X-Play who co-produced the movie with Jeff Mullen,” via the Porn Valley News. Now I’m just young enough that I only watched the Brady Bunch in reruns everyday at noon, so maybe my memory is a little shaky, or maybe there were adult elements I didn’t pick up on. But I’m pretty sure they didn’t capture details in a humorous and sexy way on the original show. I remember one episode where Alice took off her apron, but I don’t remember anyone ogling her or making suggestive remarks about it. Must have been because I was 5, you know how innocent you are at that age.

Really, who doesn’t want to see Alice and a grown-up Bobby knocking boots? I’m not going to pretend to know what I’m talking about here, but has porn run out of ideas? I get that they like their humorous spoofs (because God forbid you ever accuse Ron Jeremy of lacking a sense of whimsy) but if nothing else, isn’t this movie like the Transformers film, where you think (and I’m not saying any of you think this, but just go with me here) “Hey, great idea, but isn’t it 30 years too late?” I can’t say how I know this, but I’m pretty sure this issue is going to leak into the next election. It’s topical, like Dan Quail and the “Murphy Brown” thing. But more naked.