If you have children, you were probably subjected to Nickelodeon’s 25th Annual Kid’s Choice Awards ceremony on Saturday night. You have my sincerest condolences. I, too, had to watch, and it was often eyeroll-inducing: lame banter between celebrity presenters; boring and unfunny “behind the scenes” skits; stupid slime stunts that dragged out the show even longer and wayyyy too much Disney product, in the form of Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. Miley Cyrus won favorite female television star and favorite female musical artist, much to my daughter’s delight.

There were a few bright spots in the broadcast, including host Jack Black’s over-the-top opening musical number, in which he wore a bright green superhero costume and rocked out with a giant octopus playing guitar to the Kiss song “I Was Made for Loving You,” with the lyrics changed to “I Was Made for Sliming You.” (In my opinion, Black was the only funny, high-energy part of the show and should have been allowed to riff and get crazy even more.) The theme of each Kids’ Choice Awards, you see, is that celebs and kids in the audience get buckets of green slime poured on their heads at random moments. Slimed celebs included Harrison Ford, who recreated a famous scene from “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” which concluded with him being covered in green slime. Other mildly amusing segments included a celebrity belching contest that featured Jodie Foster attempting to burp along to the song “YMCA.”

All in all, the show had the same problems as most other awards shows: it went on too long, there was too much unfunny dialog, and the host didn’t get enough chances to do what he does best. But if you are at all interested in the winners, here they are.

Favorite TV Show: Drake and Josh
Favorite Reality Show: American Idol
Favorite TV Actor: Drake Bell (from Drake and Josh)
Favorite TV Actress: Miley Cyrus
Favorite Cartoon: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Favorite Movie: Alvin and the Chipmunks
Favorite Movie Actor: Johnny Depp
Favorite Movie Actress: Jessica Alba
Favorite Animated Movie: Ratatouille
Favorite Animated Voice: Eddie Murphy (Shrek The Third)
Favorite Music Group: The Jonas Brothers
Favorite Song: “Girlfriend” by Avril Lavigne
Favorite Female Singer: Miley Cyrus
Favorite Male Singer: Chris Brown
Favorite Male Athlete: Tony Hawk
Favorite Female Athlete: Danica Patrick
Favorite Book: Harry Potter Series
Favorite Video Game: Madden NFL 2008
Wannabe Award: Cameron Diaz

If anything, the Kids’ Choice Awards gives parents a glimpse into the music, movies, and other pop culture their kids like– which should scare the crap out of you. I know I had a hard time sleeping knowing that the youth of America wants to be just like Cameron Diaz.

First the good news. Janet Jackson is going to be writing a diet book. The songstress has long had issues with her weight, I think just about everyone can sympathize with that, and it seems she’s going to share her secrets to that newly slimmed body.

“It’s not just this sterile, weight loss and how to do it book, but my journey even from when I was a kid … being an emotional eater,” said Jackson, who is 41.

“It takes you through those moments in my life up ’til now and what worked for me. And hopefully within that, if it doesn’t work for them, maybe they’ll find something that does work for them and a nice place for them to be content with who they are.”

Jackson, who said last month on CNN’s “Larry King Live” that she liked French fries, sweets, caramel and candy apples, reportedly put on 60 pounds in 2006.

Reuters

The book won’t be a traditional diet book, but instead address the issues of emotional eating. I’m glad that it is not a strict diet to follow, because I have never been able to follow an eating plan.

I have my own health philosophy I got from comedian Billy Connolly, “Don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket!” This link NSFW.

In other Janet news, her Saturday Night Live appearance has been cancelled as she is still recovering from the flu that hospitalized her on Sunday. Mariah Carey will take her place.

The Jackson family today announced, through Tito, that he will be purchasing two homes in England for the family to live on. He has been in Devon this week campaigning against bullying.

‘We hope it will be a family hideaway where my brothers and sisters can escape media attention when we need to,’ he said.

‘I can confirm that he [Michael] has been to Barnstaple on private visits in recent years along with my brother Jermaine and a few other Jackson siblings.

‘My family love North Devon and the wonderful countryside and friendly people. I am looking forward to living in Barnstaple and I hope the Barnstaple public will respect our family’s privacy.’

He says Michael, Janet and co are egging him on insisting North Devon can be used as a private escape for them all, saying: ‘Michael likes North Devon, too, as no one bothers him.’

Metro

Tito appears on British television as a judge on talent show It Takes Two.

This follows the news that a woman named Billy Jean Jackson (not related to the Jacksons) was arrested for trespassing –on the Neverland Ranch! The ranch and its contents are up for auction next Wednesday as creditors foreclose on the mortgage. This is not the first time Billy Jean has attempted to enter the property, but what she is searching for on the premises has not been revealed. She does claim to be Michael’s wife. Next time, Billy Jean should work on getting her hair done before she enters – this is a really unfortunate mug shot.

Note by Celebitchy: Here is Janet Jackson signing copies of her new CD “Discipline” at Virgin Megastore in Hollywood on 2/28/08. Doesn’t she look like one of the “Celebrities Without Necks“?

Remember how everyone was getting those terrible helmet bangs about a year and a half ago and how Janet Jackson popularized it? My hairdresser had a big poster up from Jose Eber featuring that style, and when I asked him about it he just shook his head and said he hoped it would pass.

The severe bangs were flipped to the side until they slowly grew out to make way for more classic hair trends, but now they’re back again in all their forehead-blocking glory. I blame Katie Holmes for bringing back this questionable style. She manages to pull off a severe interpretation of her daughter’s bowl cut, but only because she has either naturally thin straight hair or enough volume has been taken out of her hair to make it flat and sleek. In my opinion this style just doesn’t work with thicker hair and looks silly.

Here are some celebrities who work it, and others who just should flip it to the side and wait for the trend to pass. Rather than group them according to my opinion, I’ll just post the photos and let you discuss. I don’t think this style works with hair that isn’t straight and thin, but you may disagree.

It’s just hair. It will grow out eventually and can be styled to compensate, but unlike a bad outfit you can’t just switch it for something else the next day without some effort.

Shown are Katie Holmes, Heidi Klum, Kate Hudson, Christina Ricci, Elle Macpherson, Selma Blair, Kylie Minogue, Kelis, Paula Abdul in a messy interpretation of the style, Rihanna, Myleene Klass, and Janet Jackson.

I really admire when a member of the Jackson family shows some restraint. Unlike her brother Michael, who’s always itching for kids (no not in that way…. okay maybe in that way) Janet Jackson says that even though she’s 41, she’s in no rush to get married and have babies. Janet’s been married twice before. The second time no one even knew about it until she announced she was getting divorced. And though she’s been dating producer Jermaine Dupri for six years, she says they have no plans to get married, despite the pressure everyone’s putting on them.

“So many people were putting pressure on [Jermaine], then they started pressuring me,” the singer told The Insider. “Everybody would ask us about it – even friends. If it’s [meant] to happen, it’ll happen,” she says. “I like where we are, and I’m happy where I am. I’ve done it twice before. I’m afraid I might be a jinx. I might be allergic to marriage.” As for children, she admits: “We both would love to have kids. Someday I know it’s going to happen. Exactly when, I don’t know.”

Even at 41, Jackson is not obsessing about her biological clock.

“I get so much pressure .. even my mother mentioned something to me the other day,” she told Britain’s The Observer on Sunday. “But now you can have your eggs frozen and there are all sorts of things you can do. I’ve still got time so I think I’m okay.” The singer – whose new [CD] Discipline is out on Feb. 26 – added, “I’ve got to get a little more kid out of me first before I move on and be childish with my child.”

[From People]

It’s shockingly healthy to hear a Jackson say that they need to get some of their kid out before they have their own child. You know, instead of trying to relive their childhood in some bizarre Peter Pan complex like Michael’s done. Janet has always seemed like the most normal Jackson to me. She’s her original beautiful color, she hangs out with other adults, and once in a while she flashes a little nip. That’s still better than anything you could ever say about Tito. Oh, and she has yet to name any kids Jermajesty, unlike her brother Jermaine. Considering how trendy babies are right now, I appreciate it when a celebrity says she’s got other things on her plate.

Here’s Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupri at Clive Davis’ Pre-Grammy party on February 9th. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Ahh, Nipplegate. Not something any of us want to revisit. And while most of us have moved past it (except for a few of you sickos - yeah I see you there, watching it on YouTube on a loop) Jermaine Dupri definitely hasn’t – but who can blame him, it was his girlfriend’s nipple that was exposed for all the world to enjoy. Justin Timberlake pretty much bailed on Janet Jackson during the whole thing. Supposedly he thought she’d done it on purpose and felt betrayed. He also famously had a crush on her growing up, and the two were rumored to have dated briefly. Jermaine Dupri thought it was Justin who betrayed Janet, and he hasn’t let the grudge go. He’s just published a book titled, “Young, Rich and Dangerous” in which he says some not-too-flattering things about Timberlake.

JERMAINE Dupri takes some potshots at Justin Timberlake in his new autobiography, “Young, Rich and Dangerous.” Dupri - still furious at the “Sexyback” star for not standing up for his lady Janet Jackson during her Super Bowl “wardrobe malfunction,” when Timberlake was onstage with her - writes, “I think Justin Timberlake is a talented performer. But he’s very ordinary-looking. He could be any skinny white kid from the suburbs of Orlando. You could go to the mall and find another Justin. He doesn’t make his style interesting even when he’s onstage. To me, he just doesn’t look like a star.” Timberlake’s rep declined comment. Dupri also reveals his love for the power of Page Six, writing that he tested our influence by having a pal call to report how he paid $300,000 for Cartier earrings. “I wasn’t so sure they would [print it] . . . But they did! People were tripping over it. I got calls from other celebrity magazines, like Us Weekly, which even did their own follow-up story,” Dupri writes. He adds, “I call the kind of fame you can get through the media The Force. That’s sort of like how Anakin became Darth Vader.”

[From Page Six]

Ohhhh, snap! But really, I have to agree. I don’t know what people get all hopped up about regarding Justin Timberlake’s appearance. I think he’s a really talented singer, but I don’t think there’s anything really attractive about him physically. He’s not ugly or anything, but he’s just sort of generic looking to me. Not that Jermaine Dupri is a bowl full of eye candy either. But who would have thought he and I would agree on so much? He also has a good outlook on the media. He understands the power it holds and how it can help careers if you use it wisely. You can also royally mess your life up if you’re famous and piss off some very powerful people… like me. That’s right Britney Spears, you best get it together. Wait, we’re not talking about you for another week. That’s Whitney Bears to you.

If there’s anything Janet Jackson is skilled at, it’s gaining and losing weight quickly. Even after she lost 70 pounds last year she gained at least 20 back and then lost it again before she made more public appearances.

She’s said to be planning to write a book about her weight issues and to include information about nutrition and exercise:

Janet Jackson has decided to chronicle her battles with the bulge in a new book. Janet admits the 60 pounds she put on last year had a crippling effect on her. “I would see myself in the mirror, but I wouldn’t look too often. I didn’t want to get used to [it],” she said. In addition to telling her own story, the book will include nutrition tips to help others slim down.

[From Star Magazine, print edition, October 22, 2007]

There are so many sound programs and methods of losing weight. The main barrier you usually have is finding one that makes sense for you and changing your habits to stick with it. For me it involves convincing myself that I’m able to do it. It also makes a big difference if you get rid of all the junk food in your house so there’s nothing to temp you in a moment of weakness.

Janet can probably make a lot of people feel better about their weight issues if she talks about what she’s gone through. It really amazes me how she gains and loses weight so quickly, and if she did it every few years it probably would be fine, but it doesn’t seem healthy for her body to yo-yo like that.

Janet is shown below on 10/9/07 at the NY premiere of Why Did I Get Married?

Janet Jackson and longtime boyfriend Jermaine Dupri have jumped on the Charlize Theron/Stuart Townsend “We don’t need to have a ceremony to be committed” bandwagon. Janet says that, after two failed marriages – one of which she kept secret until she filed for divorce – she’s not really into the idea of another. It’s hard to fault her for that.

“Though Janet Jackson and her boyfriend, producer Jermaine Dupri, have been together for almost six years, the pair have always skirted rumors that they eventually plan to make their coupling official by saying ‘I do.’ And now the 41-year-old singer is explaining just why.

“‘I don’t need a piece of paper to validate what we have,’ Janet told TV’s Extra at the premiere of her new film, ironically titled Why Did I Get Married?. ‘But that’s just me.’

“However, Janet does admit that she’d be traditional about things if they ever did swap vows, saying that she would definitely take Jermaine’s last name, joking that they’d both then have the same initials: ‘J.D.’

“That being said, Michael’s little sister, who has walked down the aisle twice before, says she’s not the one to ask for wedding advice from, joking, ‘You want to ask someone who’s been married twice and divorced twice?’”

[From OK! Magazine]

I like that people are more open to alternative definitions of committed relationships. It may not work in every circumstance, but every relationship is different.

In other Janet news, she’s supposedly writing a book about losing weight. The singer has famously gained and dropped weight in (what appears to be) 50+ pound increments for the last several years. She’s just very carefully avoided being out in public much when she’s “Fat Janet.” That can’t be good for the body, and is a great way to get diabetes. Janet’s never really talked about her weight issues in public, so it’ll be interesting to hear what she has to say, especially considering the extremity of the issue – and her incredible lengths to hide it.

“Michael Jackson’s sister Janet is writing a book on weight problems. The 41 year old singer is planning a book to tell the story of her battles with weight and diet and what she did to slim down. The as yet untitled tome is expected to describe how her weight has yo-yoed throughout her career in pop music.

“’I'm writing a book on my journey of weight loss and weight gain,’ Jackson was quoted as saying in People magazine. Last year, Janet stacked on almost 30 kilograms [66 pounds], which she said had a debilitating effect on her. ‘I could not believe how big I was, how heavy I really was. I would see myself in the mirror, but I wouldn’t look too often. I didn’t want to get used to that image,’ she said.’ However, she’s cautioned that her suggestions in the upcoming book would not have universal application. ‘It’s different for everyone,’ she said.”

[From Sky News]

Well at least she’s willing to talk about it. I think the reason Janet’s weight issues seem so weird is that when she does let herself be photographed, she’s SUPER fit with what looks to be a 12 pack of abs. It’s craziness. So I think it’s just the extremity of the highs and lows that make it so interesting. Hopefully she’ll have some good insight, or at least let us freakishly curious folks know what’s going on.

Janet Jackson is shown at the “Why Did I Get Married?” movie premiere on 10/4/07 thanks to PRPhotos.

Did Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupri get married?

The 41-year-old is thought to have wed the music producer in front of friends and family on Saturday afternoon.

A source had earlier told MediaTakeOut.com: “Janet wants very much to keep the event private. So don’t expect anything over the top. It will be small - only have close friends and family - and definitely no one from the media will be invited.”

The couple have been dating since 2001 and Dupri, 34, worked with Jackson on two of her albums.

Digital Spy

Jermaine Dupri is denying he secretly married janet Jackson in a ceremony Saturday – which he would, wouldn’t he? It’s meant to be a secret.

But Dupri says, “When Janet and I get married, everybody will know. It’s not something I want to keep a secret. I’m going to promote it like a party.”

San Francisco Chronicle

Aw, that’s sweet.

Janet Jackson has married twice before in secret, to James DeBarge and Rene Elizondo Jr, so I don’t believe a word of Dupri’s denials. Actually, one of Janet’s previous marriages was annulled, so she got married once and the second time, er, had a faux ceremony? Anyway, two secret wedding things.

Her breast exposure at the Superbowl also topped a list of celebrity scandals compiled by Entertainment Weekly.

JANET JACKSON’s infamous breast-baring wardrobe malfunction at the 2004 Super Bowl has topped a list of celebrity scandals. The singer was performing a duet with Justin Timberlake during half-time at the American football final when she accidentally flashed a breast. Second on the list, compiled by editors at American magazine Entertainment Weekly, is Mel Gibson’s anti-Semitic outburst during his July 2006 drink-driving arrest. At three is the 1992 U.S. TV appearance by Irish singer Sinead O’Connor, who infamously tore up a picture of the late Pope John Paul II during a performance on Saturday Night Live. The top five is rounded out by Hugh Grant’s 1995 arrest for engaging in “lewd conduct” with prostitute Divine Brown in Los Angeles, and Michael Jackson dangling his son Prince Michael II over a hotel balcony in Berlin, Germany in 2002.

Contact Music

You know what’s missing from the scandal list? Madonna. Wasn’t she scandal queen? Remember before she had children, and just got in hot water over their controversial fathering/adopting, she released two albums titled Erotica and Bedtime Stories (no sign of the three little pigs here, which is really about getting eaten by a wolf and not children’s fare at all…).

Anyway, she also released the Sex book, made a music video featuring S&M, masturbated on stage with an Puerto Ricon flag (much ruder than a nipple slip, I think) and fellated a vodka bottle on her Truth or Dare film.

Get in line Janet Jackson. Actually, somewhere ahead of you, wouldn’t there be you brother Michael’s child molestation charges? Much more controversial than a bit of nipple.

Thanks to the excellent snarky blog Rhymes with Snitch for this story I haven’t seen anywhere else. The night Paris Hilton flashed her ass in a too-short dress while dancing on a table at Janet Jackson’s birthday party at Tao (despite the fact that she claims to never dance on tables and there are even more recent pictures to the contrary,) she decided to serenade everyone at 3 AM with a drunken “Stars are Blind.”

Janet was understandably outraged and got the hell out of there immediately, taking 30 of her friends with her:

Paris often sings her own songs badly while wasted out at clubs, and she probably had no clue that she was doing anything wrong by warbling at an established pop artist’s joint birthday party and CD celebration.

Despite news that Janet Jackson’s new album is relatively tanking on the charts and may help sink her boyfriend Jermaine Dupri’s career at Virgin Records, she shopped for a $30 million dollar apartment in Manhattan last week, and claimed that Jermaine needed a huge closet because he has more shoes than she does.

Meanwhile Paris is still considered a scourge on the entertainment industry. Meatloaf has joined Jenny McCarthy in claiming that he plans to haunt Paris Hilton after he dies. And predictably, Paris was voted the top overexposed celebrity that people want to see less of. With that news, here are absolutely no pictures of Paris.

Janet Jackson claims she gained 60 pounds to play in the movie “Tennesee,” and that when the role fell through all she was left with was the weight. She said the only time she was comfortable was when she was laying down, but that her boyfriend Jermaine Dupree made her feel good about herself and that their sex life never suffered.

It turns out that a love of fried food may be responsible for Janet’s weight gain, and not a movie role. Fox News claims that the part never required Jackson to gain weight:

[via Gossip Rocks]

Well, it was a good excuse and it doesn’t really matter now because Janet is back to her fit, half-dressed self on the cover of every magazine. It’s amazing how fast she shaped up, but it must not be good for her health to yo-yo like that.

In related news, Janet gives out sex toys to her backup dancers. Janet has admitted that she’s a fan of the “rabbit,” the multi-purpose vibrator made famous by “Sex and the City,” and now says that she makes sure to spread the joy to those closest to her:

Too much information, Janet.