Over the holiday, my mother got me sick. She’s a teacher, and she’s always covered in germs, and on Thanksgiving, she had some kind of nasty cold. Anyway, I very happily ate my ham and turkey, and as I was driving home, I felt the fever coming on. I was burning up, even though the temperature was in the low 40s. So, basically, I spent my holiday inside, not shopping or doing much other than moaning, wallowing in sicky self-pity, and watching Poirot and Miss Marple DVDs. Oh, and the drugs I’m on have given me such lurid and intense dreams, that I’m now creating this totally insane murder mysteries in my head, complete with an all-English cast. Ugh. One plus: one of my crazy British murder dreams involved a sexy Jonny Lee Miller (swoon!).

Basically, I needed a hot guy today. I thought my only brush with someone gorgeous was going to be those Vincent Cassel photos I put in the Natalie Portman post. But my lover Javier “My Javi” Bardem must have known I feel like hell, because he posed extra special for me today. It was actually the Madrid photo call for Biutful – the Spanish-language film many think Javi will be nominated for this year. My Javi looks especially gorgeous in these photos… all tan and masculine and sexy.

Have I ever gone into detail about my favorite Javi fantasy? It’s not the homoerotic fan fiction I’ve worked out with Javi and Daniel Craig (although that is really, really hot), nor the homoerotic fan fiction I worked out for Javi and Brad Pitt (Javi was describing Brad’s beauty, and the homoeroticism came naturally). No, my favorite fantasy involves Javi and I being seated beside each other accidentally at some formal lunch, and we start talking, and by the dessert course (mint ice cream), Javi and I are in love. That fantasy is not as sexy as Javi and Daniel Craig dry-humping on top of a Jaguar, but it’s still a solid fantasy.

Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.

Sure, it’s a non-story. But I was just enjoying these photos of a pregnant Penelope Cruz leaving a London restaurant with her hot husband/baby-daddy Javier Bardem, and I thought I would pass them along. Unfortunately, for some reason, Javier was cut out of the photos we have access to (you can see some here, at The Daily Mail), but fortunately we have some other photos of Javi looking hot (below). Penelope is carrying very well, isn’t she? By my calculations, she’s late second trimester, maybe heading into her third trimester – People Magazine says she‘s due “in the winter.” She’s glowing!

It’s a dinner date! Penélope Cruz, husband Javier Bardem and sister Mónica Cruz proved there’s no such thing as a third-wheel when the trio stepped out at a London restaurant.

Cruz and company, decked out in coordinated black outfits, were spotted at the members-only Groucho Club Tuesday night.

The Pirates of the Caribbean actress, 36, who is expecting her first child in the winter, bared her baby bump during the meal, and is currently in the U.K. to film the adventure movie.

[From People]

When Javi did an interview last month, he confirmed Penelope’s pregnancy and said “It is true. I am very happy.” He also said they hadn’t decided on a name for the hot Spanish baby yet. Ah… God, Penelope has the life, doesn’t she? To be knocked up by Javier and to have him all happy and content and to look so glowing while pregnant? Lucky bitch.

Here are those Hot Javi photos:

Penelope photos courtesy of WENN.

Fortunately, on yesterday’s WTF-is-Julia-Roberts-wearing post, very few of you yelled at me. Thank you. It was a terrible outfit, and Julia should have rethought the whole thing. But now that I’m taking that outfit with the whole scope of her promotional duties in Rome, I’m thinking that Julia wanted the one-two punch of wearing something so hideous that when she wore this fabulous dress, we would all be paying attention. Because I kind of love this black gown that Julia wore to the Eat, Pray, Love Rome premiere last night. Is it matronly? Sure, a little bit. But it makes her look like a movie star, and it compliments her tall figure so well. Also: she doesn’t look pregnant anymore. I told you, she’s not pregnant, she just has horrible style and an unwillingness to dress for her body type – most of the time.

Of course, she is kind of hiding her belly in most of these shots. Do I have to rethink my “that’s not a baby bump, y’all” stance? I tried to throw in some shots where she’s kind of in profile to see if she has a bump… it could be. Or it could be a pasta belly. Or it could be a “I’ve had three kids and I hate Spanx, bitches” belly. It could also just be the way she carries herself – like a truck driver. Shoulders back, people. Also note this – no major media outlet is doing any kind of Bump Watch with Julia – I really don’t think she’s knocked up. I think it’s pasta and the truck driver stance. Also: her hair still sucks.

Julia in Rome on Sept. 16, 2010. Credit: WENN.

My beautiful, odd Javier Bardem is the cover boy for the October issue of Esquire. Continuing Esquire’s theme of hiring journalists who love to write bullsh-t about themselves rather than the celebrity they are interviewing, the actual quotes from the piece are meager. Part of the interview seemed to take place on a sailboat, with Javi the hypochondriac freaking out. The other part of the interview took place the day before he got on a boat, with Javier freaking out about going on a boat. Anyway, I’m pretty sure Javi agreed to the interview because he’s promoting Biutiful, where he plays a man dying of prostate cancer. The film has gotten solid reviews – and the director is the same dude who did that ultra depressing 21 Grams. So… I probably won’t be seeing it any time soon. But I can still gawk at Javi. The full Esquire piece is here, and here are the highlights:

On his perceived illnesses: “I used to be a hypochondriac, but I was a young man then,” he says. “Now I really am sick.” Every ache, every crackle, every tingle — they are amplified in his mind into bullets and poisons. He’s only forty-one years old, and he’s physically strong with a broad back and thick legs — he used to play for Spain’s national youth rugby team — and he doesn’t drink. (He also doesn’t drive, just to be doubly safe.)

On his life as an actor: He apologized many times for his English; he didn’t need to. He talked about his reticence for publicity, how he thinks of himself as a working actor, not a celebrity. His mom was an actor, too, and she had raised three children in Madrid largely on her own by pretending to be other people. It was the family business. He said that he knows highly technical actors who can do the job regardless of their feelings for it. He said he is not such an actor: “I have to believe in what I’m doing, otherwise I don’t stand a chance.”

On his Oscar-winning role in No Country For Old Men: He said that he tried to get out of No Country for Old Men, told the Coen brothers that he was a terrible choice, that he abhors violence and couldn’t drive and wouldn’t be able to say his lines without using a strange voice. They told him that made him perfect for it, and they were right. He said that when actors win Oscars, they’re happy only because it means they will probably get more work; he also said actors make lousy award-show presenters because “it’s the only time we have to be ourselves.”

His dream roles: He talked about his dream of one day working with Al Pacino — “but I doubt that will ever happen” — and how he would love to play Pablo Escobar and Cortez the Killer. He said that he didn’t feel much need to talk about Eat Pray Love — “It doesn’t need any help,” he said — but that he would like to talk about Biutiful. “I think it’s a masterpiece,” he said, “and it needs help.”

Javi doesn’t want to pee out in the open on the boat: Bardem climbs down to the diving platform, but he sees another boat that has closed within maybe a half mile and changes his mind. “I don’t want them to see my tiny penis,” he says, seemingly ignorant of the fact that his penis would have to be as big as his head for his fellow boaters to catch sight of it. He drops belowdecks instead.

On Biutiful: When Bardem first saw 21 Grams — the Mexican director Alejandro González Iñárritu’s debut English-language film… He stumbled out of the theater. “I remember, I almost got hit by a car walking out after,” he says. “I was so moved by it. I wasn’t right for a week.” So Bardem was eager when he was offered the lead role in Iñárritu’s Biutiful. “They are only movies,” he says, “but I want to make movies that count for something.” The character he plays, a dying man named Uxbal, has scratched out a life on desperate margins, but he is a man who has also maintained an unlikely moral center — like Anton Chigurh, like Bardem himself. “I believe in a man having a code,” he says. Bardem is unforgiving when wronged; he believes in doing a job well; he commits entirely, but he does not commit himself often. He is selective, and he will always be careful. “How much money do you need?” he asks. That depends. Because Uxbal is dying — of prostate cancer, no less — he needs to scrape together enough money to look after his children. He needs to provide for them after he is gone, and so he crosses some lines between good and evil, between life and death, in the name of his children. Because Bardem believes in what he is doing, he had trouble separating Uxbal from himself. He started to wonder whether some awful stain was growing inside him, spreading to his liver, his brain. “I think it is a very powerful movie,” Bardem says. “I would like you to see it. I hope it makes you cry.”

[From Esquire]

The portrait that I keep getting of Javier Bardem is not that he’s some big, butch manly man. He seems very sweet and sentimental and funny and humble. Rather lovely and romantic and kind – a lover, not a fighter. So it’s interesting that the role where he won an Oscar – his most famous English-speaking role – is that of cold-blooded killer. Damn it. Now I have to see Eat, Pray, Love. Only for Javi, of course.

Photos courtesy of Esquire.

CB pointed this out to me yesterday – there were photos from the set of the new Pirates of the Caribbean where Penelope Cruz looked totally knocked up (Us Weekly ran a photo here). We didn’t do the story because A) We didn’t have access to the photos and B) She’s looked pregnant before, and we’ve been burned before. But now it’s official – Pene’s Spanish agency just confirmed that she’s four and a half months pregnant. Hurray!

Penelope Cruz is pregnant! Kuranda, a Spanish agency that represents the Oscar-winning actress, 36, has confirmed that she is four-and-a-half months pregnant.

Wearing a flowing top, Cruz sported a baby bump recently on the Puerto Rican set of her upcoming movie, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.

In July, she wed Spanish actor Javier Bardem, 41, in a hush-hush wedding in the Bahamas. The two costarred in the Woody Allen comedy Vicky Cristina Barcelona, for which Cruz won a Best Supporting Actress Oscar in 2009.

Bardem’s sister Monica recently said a baby will likely be on the way for the newlyweds.
“They have shown the world they are in love,” she told Hola!, “and it would be only normal and natural to have children.”

Kuranda gave no more details on Cruz, other than to say she is en route to London to complete filming of “Pirates of the Caribbean: on Stranger Tides.”

[From Us Weekly & HuffPo]

Congratulations to Penelope and Javi on what will likely be the hottest Spanish baby ever. I’m so, so happy these two are procreating. Considering they both look like sex on a stick, I don’t see why they waited so long to get pregnant anyway. I feel like I’m getting pregnant just by looking at photos of the two of them.

By the way, for us math lovers, Pene and Javi did have a shotgun marriage! They got married probably right after Penelope’s pregnancy was confirmed. Of well – I’ll take it any way it comes. Hot Spanish baby!

In a recent Elle Magazine profile, Javier Bardem kind of went overboard – in a really sweet way – about his love of Brad Pitt. Brad is the executive producer on Eat, Pray, Love, but Javier’s comments didn’t come across like some kiss-ass sort of move from an actor to a producer. It sounds more like a boy-to-boy crush, and you know how much I love the homoeroticism with Javier Bardem. After all, in my mind, Javi is Daniel Craig’s imaginary lover. I can do it for Javi and Brad too, that fine. Here are Javi’s original comments in Elle (the full piece is good too):

Ask if he’s ever been strongly pursued by a costar after a film wrapped and he replies, “No, no. I’m not Brad Pitt.” Adding, “I had the great opportunity to meet Brad a couple of times…what a beauty! He is beautiful and his physicality is so amazing to see. But the beauty really comes from different places—the way he talks, the way he’s interested in what you’re saying. And that body is like—wow! It’s amazing, no? He really made me feel very, like…I don’t know, like, I could fall in love with him! Like a teenager girl getting crazy and going [screams] like that. I met him only twice, but so nice, so…generous and very true to himself, and I don’t know him that well, but I would say it’s a good self. And that is when the beauty comes voom! And if you have a body besides that, then it’s like, f-ck!”

[From Elle]

Yes, my Javi. It’s exactly like “f-ck”. And I’m really hoping Angelina Jolie will cosign this, because the world needs some hot Javi and Brad action. OMG, I just had an image of Javi kissing Brad on the neck and I almost wet myself! GAH. But isn’t it sweet how Javi turns into a teenage girl with a crush when he talks about Brad? That’s a man who is really comfortable with his sexuality.

Anyway, apparently Javi has been fielding some questions about the Brad-love that dare not speak its hot, homoerotic name. Javi was still feeling it, although he did make himself sound like a dirty whore willing to sleep with Brad for a part. Oh, God. THAT is another great fantasy, ladies:

We suppose Javier Bardem makes a valid point. During his Tonight Show appearance on Thursday, the Oscar winner was asked by Jay Leno to explain the man-crush he was recently quoted as having on Brad Pitt…

“I mean, who doesn’t have it?” Javier said with a laugh. “I had the chance to meet him and he’s very nice, very sweet. I mean, great body, great face. I was like, alright!”

But rather than just let such a, er, manly moment go, the newly married actor decided to put those amorous feelings to good use.

“He was a producer of Eat Pray Love, so I was flirting with him so I could get a job,” he explained. “I wanted to make him believe that I could fall in love with him so he would give me a job.”

Not surprisingly, it worked. Now Javier’s got a little extra spending cash to go and replace that undoubtedly worn-out copy of Troy.

[From E! News]

Best story ever, right? I wish I was a Hollywood producer so Javi would flirt with me. I wish I was Penelope Cruz. No – I wish I was Brad at this moment. Because Javi seems WAY more into Brad than Penelope.

Homoerotic fan-fiction: Brad walks in the hotel room. Javi already has a drink. Brad motions to the bed. “What would you do for the part?” Brad asks Javi directly, meeting his eyes. The flicker of desire flashes on Javi’s face. “You are a beautiful man, but I’m married… I can’t…” Brad: “Then what are doing here?” Brad walks to Javi, and runs two fingers down his dark face. “Yes,” Javi whispers. He slowly moves his hands up Brad’s body…

Javi and Brad in Cannes in 2010 and 2008, respectively. Credit: WENN.

Last night was the big New York premiere of Eat, Pray, Love, and most of the film’s stars came out. Missing in action were James Franco, who plays Julia’s boyfriend at the beginning of the film (I think), and executive producer Brad Pitt (who Julia is “beholden” to, yet didn’t show up). What is Julia wearing for her big premiere, one of the biggest nights in this film’s publicity tour? Um… I’m not sure. It looks like some kind of satiny straightjacket, only I think a straightjacket would probably compliment her figure more than this boxy mess. I guess Julia thought if she was showing off her legs, she should cover everything else up? Eh. Her hair and makeup look good, though, I’ll give her that.

Despite the lack of Franco, there was some man-candy last night, most notably my lover Javi. You might know him as Javier Bardem. He looked awesome! Okay, he looked a little tired, but still, very lovely.

And here’s Billy Crudup – I think he plays the ex-husband, maybe? He’s not my type, but he looked pretty good.

Now, I think a lot of Josh Brolin’s hotness, I really do. I realize he might be an abusive, arrogant son of a bitch (allegedly), but just on looks, he’s really my type. I think he’s sexy as hell. But this haircut is not working for me in the least. I’m actually not sure why he’s there. Maybe to support his No Country For Old Men costar Javi? Diane Lane isn’t there – Josh brought a very young woman as his date. I’m kind of thinking she’s his daughter, though.

All in all, maybe not the best premiere? Still, it’s good to see Julia f-ck up a red carpet again. I’ve missed it!

Header: Julia Roberts at the ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ premiere on August 10, 2010. Credit: WENN.

Late last night, Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem announced their marriage – most of us are really happy for them, because who can really deny the dual hotness of these Spaniards? If I was around either of them, I’d probably try to marry one or both of them too. So it’s surprising that it took several hours for someone to start in with the “shotgun wedding” rumors. That’s right – according to Life & Style, Javi and Pene got married because she’s knocked up:

Life & Style can reveal exclusively that Penélope Cruz and husband Javier Bardem are expecting their first child.

Last night, Penélope’s rep confirmed she and Javier quietly married at a friend’s house in the Bahamas this month. It was an intimate affair, with only close family present.

Penélope wore a dress designed by John Galliano.

A movie insider tells Life & Style that the couple wanted to get married before their baby arrives next year.

The Spanish actress is currently filming Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, the fourth installment of the franchise, in the Bahamas. She’s playing the feisty daughter of Blackbeard played by Ian McShane, the nemesis of Johnny Depp’s character, Jack Sparrow.

“There’s a little romance between [Depp's] Captain Jack and the character that Penélope plays,” producer Jerry Bruckheimer said recently.

[From Life & Style]

Now, Penelope’s womb-watch has been making headlines for more than a year. Last summer, beginning with the 2009 Cannes Film Festival, most tabloids were reporting that she was knocked up. When Pene went on publicity tours to promote her films last fall, she got constant pregnancy questions, which annoyed her to no end. Personally, I’m a little tired of Womb Watch, just because I’ve been wrong about her before. If she is pregnant, congratulations to them, and that is going to be one hot Spanish baby. But I’ll wait for a solid confirmation.

UPDATE: Penelope’s rep is denying the pregnancy rumor. Oh well. NO HOT SPANISH BABIES FOR YOU. Also, do you know why I abbreviate or give celebrities nicknames? Because I’m lazy and I don’t want to type it out a million times. It’s easier to type “Pene” and “Javi” and “Sparkles” and “Camy”. I’M LAZY.

Hollywood supercouple Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem were married in a private ceremony in the Bahamas earlier this month and we’re just finding out about it now! I love the fact that these two were able to keep everything so quiet. As much as I’d like to see photos of Penelope in her gown I really hope that none are ever leaked. These two have rarely been photographed together and while they’ve attended events together it’s not like they’re posing holding hands on the red carpet. I have a lot of respect for the way they’ve been able to keep their relationship out of the tabloids. Here’s a little more about their wedding, and there aren’t many details:

Penélope Cruz and Javier Bardem have always kept their romance under the radar – and their intimate wedding was equally low-profile.

Cruz, 36, and Javier Bardem, 41, exchanged vows in front of family members during a small, private ceremony held at a friend’s home in the Bahamas earlier this month, her rep confirms to PEOPLE.

The bride wore a gown designed by designer John Galliano, a longtime friend of the actress.

[From People]

So who was there? I’m sure there were family members, but was Salma Hayek there with her billionaire husband and genius daughter? I have to reconcile my curiosity with the fact that it’s better for the Cruz-Bardems that their ceremony remains private and special. You know that they want it that way.

I kind of love that they made the announcement on a Tuesday night, just a smidgen too late for this week’s tabloids. The wedding won’t be in the supermarket mags until next week, at which point it will be old news. They’ll probably add some pregnancy and baby rumors in there to spice up the leftovers. Congratulations to Penelope and Javier and best wishes for a lifetime of happiness together! This news is so nice to hear.

Header: Still from Vicky Christina Barcelona.

Is it just me, or does Julia Roberts look like hell? This is Julia at the Eat, Pray, Love photo call today, with Javier Bardem and Richard Jenkins and executive producer and director Ryan Murphy (he’s also the creator of Glee). Javier looks delicious, as always, and Julia seems to notice, doesn’t she? I think Julia put on her special “come hither, Javi” old-lady shorts and vaguely transparent old-lady blouse… with no bra? I can’t tell, and now I’ve been staring at Julia’s boobs for way too long. I don’t think she’s got her girls harnessed. I think she’s all “Javi, do you like?” And Javi is all “Um, have you seen my girlfriend Penelope Cruz? Shut it down, Jules.”

But it’s always about JULIA!!! Eh. When is this movie due out? Whew… not until August 13. They’re getting promotion started early, aren’t they? Maybe JULIA! is worried that it will flop? The latest and last trailer for the film, and Jesus Christ, they brought the full-on JULIA! whine for a full f-cking minute while the character hypocritically complains about being obsessed with men and relationships, and so she devises a journey of self-discovery, only to spend the whole time bitching and moaning about men and relationships! UGH. I hope this movie crashes and burns.