In this week’s Enquirer, Mike Walker (their go-to gossip guy, he’s like an older, bitchier, more delusional Ted Casablanca) has two separate pieces of Jennifer Aniston-Chelsea Handler gossip. I don’t feel like going through the whole damn recap of what happened, so here’s my version: Chelsea Handler ranted about Angelina Jolie, and because of her friendship with Jennifer Aniston, the situation ricocheted and Aniston looks pathetic, and like she’s not over it, six years later. Okay, now here are the basics from Mike Walker’s column (disclaimer, blah, etc):

*Courteney Cox hates Chelsea Handler, and is encouraging Aniston to cut her ties to Chelsea. Courteney refers to Chelsea as “trailer trash” and Cox told Aniston “I told you so” about the Chelsea situation – apparently Cox was never a fan. Courteney told Aniston that Chelsea’s ranting and raving is making her (Aniston) look bad. Also: Cox is still friends with Brad Pitt, and wants to make it clear that she (Cox) does not condone the “Angie-bashing”.

*Aniston kind of already hated Chelsea. During their trip to Cabo, Chelsea wouldn’t shut up, and continually teased Aniston about Brad Pitt and John Mayer. Aniston hates that Chelsea is “always on” and that there’s barely “a minute to rest, relax and chill out when she’s around.”

*Chelsea and Aniston were shopping together and Chelsea “pranked” Aniston by telling the security guards that Aniston was shoplifting.

*When Aniston first heard Chelsea’s Angelina rant, “Aniston immediately feared people would assume that Chelsea’s out-of-the-blue attack sprang from intimate confidences shared during their highly publicized vacation.”

*Aniston told off Chelsea, saying: “You’ve made me look like I’m still bitter and heartsick over my marriage breakup! I don’t want people to think I’m still pining for Brad. I’m over him! It was a long time ago!”

*When Chelsea tried to defend herself by saying that she’s always made fun of Angelina, Aniston issued a “no slamming Angelina” ultimatum, threatening to withdraw from their friendship. Chelsea allegedly agreed to keep her mouth shut.

[From The Enquirer, print edition]

I find the Cox stuff very interesting, and now I would really, really like to know what Cox really thinks of Chelsea. You know what a controlling, Type-A bitch Courteney is, right? I can’t even imagine what her real opinion of Chelsea is.

As far as the “Aniston was so embarrassed, she threatened to end her friendship with Chelsea” stuff… sure. Whatever. I don’t buy it, but maybe it happened. Considering Chelsea was still criticizing Angelina even after the initial instigating incident, I doubt it went down like Mike Walker described. Also: Aniston has known that Chelsea talks trash about Angelina for a while, and they’ve somehow managed to maintain their friendship.

Photos of Chelsea, courtesy of WENN.

We’ve actually had requests for yet another story of Chelsea Handler being a drunken mess, yet again. Do you know how happy I would be to ignore the whole sordid mess? Yes, it’s funny to watch the Brangeloonies and the Jen Hens battle it out in The Great and Unending Uncool War, but there’s just so much nastiness all around, it’s kind of giving me an ulcer. But you asked for it. Okay, to recap: over the weekend, Chelsea Handler did a stand-up act, and she ended up shouting down a heckler by going off on an obscene tangent about how Angelina Jolie is C-U-Next-Tuesday, amongst other things. On her Monday show, Chelsea defended herself by saying that she’s always made fun of Angelina, but she didn’t say anything about Jennifer Aniston and their trip to Cabo and whether Aniston had anything to say about the tirade.

Then, yesterday, Star Magazine released their cover – a story any of could have written in our sleep. According to Star, Jennifer Aniston “broke down” and confessed to Chelsea that she “can’t stop loving Brad.” It was low-hanging fruit for the tabloids – Aniston and Handler were just together in Cabo two weeks ago, and Aniston has never protested Chelsea’s nasty attacks on Jolie, ever. Then, just hours after Star released their cover, PopEater ran sympathetic Aniston pity party story about how angry Aniston is over Chelsea’s tirade:

“I’ve been making fun of Angelina Jolie since she made out with her brother,” Chelsea Handler laughed. “If I’ve learned nothing from this, it’s to write some new jokes.” Sources tell me Jennifer would agree, except she doesn’t think this is a laughing matter and has told her feisty friend to give it a rest.

“Jen has gone out of her way to keep her private feelings about that woman who stole her husband private and has always asked her friends to do the same,” an insider tells me. “She is furious with Chelsea for bringing the whole situation back to life again and landing her on the cover of a weekly magazine tomorrow with a Brad headline.”

Sources tell me Jen hasn’t felt this betrayed since John Mayer held a “press conference” to announce he was breaking up with her. Yeah, that was pretty bad.

The notoriously private actress has kept her inner circle close. Two of the newer additions to that exclusive club — John and Chelsea — have both gone and blown it.

“Jen doesn’t just let these sort of people in her life,” a friend of the actress tells me. “She hates drama or unnecessary attention and certainly doesn’t want to ever see her face on a tabloid again with a headline about Angie or Brad.”

I’m told Jen wants badly to believe Chelsea didn’t revive her Angelina-skewering jokes now that the two are good friends.

“Even so,” the friend admits, “she’s happy Chelsea made it clear her rant had nothing to do with her and wishes she’d just keep her big mouth shut in the future.”

[From PopEater]

“Jen has gone out of her way to keep her private feelings about that woman who stole her husband private and has always asked her friends to do the same.” – except for all of those times she didn’t. Except for getting her friends to bash Angelina and Brad in Vanity Fair. Except for going off on Angelina in 2008 in Vogue, and even bringing up the Jolie-Pitt kids in GQ in the same year. Except for all of these “leaks” from well-placed “sources” who also let us know exactly what she’s thinking about “that woman who stole her husband.” Also: the fact that the “source” is still using language like “that woman who stole her husband” makes me think that Aniston is sitting at home alone in a caftan, rocking and stroking her hair in between sticking pins in her Jolie Voodoo doll.

Also – just out today, Chelsea has a new interview in Glamour Magazine where she’s talking about the triangle bullsh-t even more. Hint: Aniston emails her “funny” jokes, probably about how Angelina is a C-U-Next-Tuesday.

KATIE COURIC: Your humor can be pretty out there. Do you self-edit?
CHELSEA HANDLER: I’m pretty clear about what I’m willing to say and the lengths I’m willing to go, and I think it’s important to be politically incorrect. You don’t want to be nasty, and you don’t want to be malicious. But it’s OK—I mean, funny trumps everything in my mind.

KATIE COURIC: Is there anybody who really makes you laugh? A woman who really makes you laugh, other than me?
CHELSEA HANDLER: Jennifer Aniston makes me laugh. She’s irreverent and hilarious, and she sends me really, really funny e-mails.

KATIE COURIC: She’s funny?
CHELSEA HANDLER: Very.

KATIE COURIC: And speaking of that, wow, girl, you went off on Angelina Jolie recently.
CHELSEA HANDLER: Yeah, I’m not a fan. She just doesn’t come off to me as a sincere woman. She seems like a woman that you’d really want to avoid.

KATIE COURIC: What’s your take on bullying?
CHELSEA HANDLER: I think bullying of anybody, whether they’re gay or straight or anything in high school is unbearable. I dealt with it, and I did it. It’s terrible. And you want the school to tell people that at some point you all grow up, and it was a terrible thing to do, and be a reminder of it’s never acceptable. I was tortured for a year in school by the older girls. They didn’t like the way I looked; I dated a guy that was a senior when I was a freshman. And it was awful. But I think bullies just need to be taught by their parents how to treat other people.

[From Glamour]

So despite Camp Aniston’s attempt to distance themselves via PopEater, Chelsea is still talking up her friendship with Aniston. There are only two versions of this story: either Aniston is completely fine with Chelsea being her nasty, coked-out attack dog and she completely cosigns everything Chelsea says and does OR Aniston does not agree, but those feelings aren’t strong enough to keep her away from being friends with Chelsea, which speaks volumes as to the kind of people she surrounds herself with. Also, I’d just like to note something else – this Glamour interview is relatively tame as far as Chelsea talking up her Team Aniston status. You want psychotic, you should go back and re-read what she said in Rolling Stone.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

It’s 2005, y’all! Jennifer Aniston made the cover of this week’s Star Magazine, all because she (allegedly) can’t stop talking and obsessing over Brad Pitt. To the point where she “poured out her heart” to Chelsea Handler when they were vacationing together in Cabo. Allegedly, Jennifer told Chelsea “I can’t stop loving Brad” and Chelsea has swooped in to go on an anti-Jolie rampage in the hopes of FINALLY making Brad realize that the mother of his six children is a horrible person and that he should FINALLY leave her for Aniston. Of course.

Now, for those Jen-lovers who are going to start yelling at me immediately, let me say this for the record: I don’t think this went down. I think Star Magazine is running this cover because Uncool Bermuda Triangle covers are their bread and butter, and because Chelsea Handler’s coked-out rage and senile “jokes” have give the tabloids a new angle to play with. That being said, what did you Jennifer fans expect? Aniston’s new butt-buddy Chelsea goes on an explosive (and dated) tirade against Jolie just days after a sandy, Mojito-soaked vacay with Aniston? Of course this is the story. Of course people are going to go with the “Aniston can’t get over her ex” angle – because the whole incident makes Aniston look like SHE’S NOT OVER IT. That she’s still talking about it. That she’s still obsessing about it, going on six years later. How do we know she’s not obsessing over Brad and Angelina? Her friend is still obsessing about it, after all.

Star cover courtesy of CoverAwards.

Yesterday, Dlisted put up this video (below) – it’s of Chelsea Handler doing her stand-up in New Jersey, I guess. Chelsea is saying the same old Team Aniston crap she’s been saying for a while – that Angelina Jolie is a C-U-Next Tuesday, et cetera. The language is NSFW.

Yeah. Look, everyone has their right to their opinion, and Chelsea is no exception. She thinks Angelina is a baby-collecting home-wrecking skank. I think Chelsea is a drunk, racist, unfunny whore who screwed her way into a multi-million dollar contract. Opinions. I also think it’s interesting that despite her close associations with Jennifer Aniston and the agency CAA (representing both Chelsea and Aniston), no one is telling Chelsea to take these attacks down a notch – it speaks volumes as to how “over it” Team Aniston really is not. Opinions.

PopEater’s gossip guy is at it again, this time theorizing what went down at Jennifer Aniston’s asstastic Cabo vacation over the Thanksgiving holiday. We already know that Aniston invited several of her friends to spend the holiday at Joe Francis’s mansion, and that one of those friends was Chelsea Handler. Well, Rob Shuter claims that Chelsea got her invite because she doesn’t molly-coddle Aniston – allegedly, Chelsea encourages Aniston to “meet new men” and stop with the “quiet nights” with Courteney Cox. And in return, Aniston supplied Chelsea with the motherload of vodka (my guess: those weren’t the only party supplies). Also: Chelsea wants Aniston to cut her hair. NOO! How would Aniston be able to survive?!?

Call them the new odd couple. America’s sweetheart Jennifer Aniston and sassy-pants comedienne Chelsea Handler are new best friends!

“Jennifer wanted to get away for Thanksgiving and hired two private planes to bring a bunch of friends to celebrate with her at a private home in Cabo San Lucas,” an insider tells me. “Jen has more money than she will ever be able to spend in her lifetime, so she decided Thanksgiving was the perfect time to splurge on the most important people in her life.”

And showing just how caring and thoughtful she can be, my source reveals that Jen “made sure Chelsea had plenty of vodka.”

Chelsea and Jennifer are not an obvious fit, but that’s what makes this friendship so exciting. Sources tell me that unlike Jennifer’s old pals, Chelsea isn’t afraid of telling Jen she needs to get out more and meet new people, especially new men.

“Many of Jen’s closest friends were with her when Brad broke her heart and have discouraged her from spreading her wings too quickly for fear she will get hurt again,” a source close to the actress tells me. “Chelsea is the opposite. She believes Jen is fabulous in her 40s and needs to paint the town red. No more sitting at home alone with her dogs. No more quiet dinners out with Courteney Cox and the girls.”

It looks like Jen is being encouraged to let her hair down, a bit of advice that Chelsea is taking literally. “She’s trying to convince Jen it’s finally time to cut off all that hair and start over.”

[From PopEater]

Even though I can’t stand Chelsea, if she’s giving Aniston that advice, it’s not bad. Of course, now I have an image of Aniston and Handler trolling Mexico for lithe young whippersnappers to pleasure their cougar needs. Also – who buys that Chelsea is six years younger than Aniston? Right?

It must be a month ending in “y” or “er” because Jennifer Aniston is once again in a bikini, posing ass-out for the paparazzi. To her credit, her ass is spectacular, even though from here it looks a little sunburned. Of course, even from the distance, I feel more like her gynecologist (or proctologist) than a casual observer. This reminds me of that other time she posed ass-out for the paps. Or that other time. Or that other time. Aniston’s ass is pretty much a Cabo San Lucas landmark at this point. And please, don’t start in with the “she didn’t know the paps were there” argument. She knew. She goes to this place – Joe Francis’s resort/mansion – three times a year (at least) and gets pap’d every time. Her ass wanted attention, and The Ass got it.

Also – in many of these photos, Aniston is with that same Budget Johnny Weir looking dude (NOT Chelsea Handler!). Some sites are still trying to play it like he’s the new boyfriend, but my guess is still that he’s probably some new member of Aniston’s entourage. Perhaps a hair or makeup guy? And I’d also guess that his boyfriend is seriously pissed that Budget Weir spent the holidays with Aniston.

Photos courtesy of Bauer-Griffin.

Over the holidays, Jennifer Aniston and several of her friends flew down to Cabo, of course. One of those friends was Chelsea Handler – whom Aniston has claimed is not a close friend, although Chelsea Handler does obsessively maintain her “Team Aniston” status publicly, very often. And for that, Chelsea was rewarded with a trip to Cabo. Chelsea and Jennifer even did coordinating bikinis, although Aniston looked much better in her bikini, of course.

There was also something about Aniston possibly having some romantic interest in Cabo too – she was photographed with this dark haired guy, and at one point, it looks like they’re hugging…? But even in these telephoto pics, this dude is giving me “he’s a gay BFF” vibes. Seriously, the dude looks like Johnny Weir is Johnny let himself go. If this is Aniston’s new boyfriend, then she could do WAY better.

Photos courtesy of Bauer-Griffin.

These are some photos of Jennifer Aniston from the weekend. In some of them, she’s still in her (rather fabulous) costume for Wanderlust, and in some (the ones where she’s wearing jeans) she’s done with Wanderlust and she’s in her regular clothes. From what I can see, they’ve finished filming Wanderlust, and it’s now in post-production, probably to be released next year at some point. So what will Aniston do next? Surprisingly, she doesn’t have any films in preproduction, so the only thing she’s got on her plate professionally at this moment is several promotional tours next year. Time for a nice long vacation down in Cabo? Probably. But she might want to bring an A-List boyfriend with her – apparently, James Franco got some questions about Aniston, and Franco said he would up for it:

The “Millionaire Matchmaker” from Bravo’s show of the same name — Patti Stanger — believes Jennifer Aniston’s romantic woes should be solved by James Franco, and he agrees!

“How do you top Brad [Pitt?] You top Brad by pulling in James Franco,” Patti told Access Hollywood Live when Jen’s love life came up for discussion. “This would be great on-screen chemistry, as well in the bedroom at home. I think she’d get the hot factor back in her life with that.”

With that in mind, Access’ crew tracked down the 32-year-old star of 127 Hours at GQ’s Men of the Year party in Los Angeles to press him for a response.

“She’s a very beautiful woman,” Franco replied. “I think she’s dating someone.”

But what if she’s single?

Franco smiled and nodded his head in approval.

[From Celebuzz]

It might help with Franco’s Oscar chances, although I tend to think he’s probably guanteed an Oscar nomination this year, after being overlooked for Best Supporting Actor for Milk – a travesty that still bothers me. Can you see it? Aniston on Franco’s arm for every award show? Oh, it could happen. But something tells me that if it does happen, Franco would view it as “performance art”.

Photos courtesy of WENN & Fame.

Since everybody loves new photos of Jennifer Aniston (hey, who doesn’t?), I thought we’d do a late TGIF: Boot & Coat Porn Edition for her. Yesterday’s Aniston porn was all about her great blonde highlights, and a particularly spectacular pair of brown boots. Today’s outfit – well, it’s her costume, honestly, because she’s finishing up Wanderlust in NYC – is black. What will the gerbils think?!?

But seriously, the boot porn is back, although I think I prefer yesterday’s brown boots to these black ones. The boots are similar though – if you told me they were the same pair only in black, I would believe you. Now look at the coat! The coat is gorgeous. Should I call it a coat or is it some kind of fancy cardigan?

As far as her hair goes, I guess I should be thankful she isn’t letting it hang in her face, like usual. But this slicked-back look doesn’t show off the great highlights properly!

One last thing: I put this in the links because it made me laugh – PopSugar has (soundless) short video of Aniston and Paul Rudd shooting a scene last night:

Photos courtesy of WENN.

It’s been said by some that Jennifer Aniston never really changes much about her appearance, from year to year, from film to film, from boyfriend to boyfriend. Well, the haters can suck it, because Aniston is changing it up! Aniston and Paul Rudd arrived in NYC a few days ago to complete filming on Wanderlust, some kind of romantic comedy where they play a married couple… and they both like threesomes and doing it with hippies, something like that. For the role, Jennifer Aniston changed up her hair… and it’s not even some kind of expensive “Middle America Mullet” wig. Looks to me like she dramatically lightened her hair. I know she’s always considered herself blonde before, but I never did. I always considered her a brunette with great blonde and honey highlights. Now she’s pretty much a blonde with lighter blonde and honey highlights.

Anyway… that’s about it. Aniston changed up her hair. I like it. It looks good. And I like that these are the first photos that we’ve had of her in a few months – she didn’t push any photo ops on us after her summer movie didn’t do so well. It’s nice, and it’s smart. Aniston isn’t Kellan Lutz or someone like that – she doesn’t have to call the paps just for a little attention. Staying away for a few months and letting people miss her is a good strategy.

One last thing – I LOVE the boots. I like her blonde hair, but I LOVE the boots. The bitch always has good boots.

Photos courtesy of WENN & Fame.