Take this all with an enormous grain of salt, because this story comes in the same issue of In Touch Weekly that has a cover story about Angelina Jolie mentally abusing her children. Also, as I was skimming the print edition of In Touch, I noticed a really obvious “mistake” they made in a photo array they were using to prove their point that Angelina “abuses” her kids. They used those photos of little Vivienne throwing a tantrum because the nanny was holding her, and Angelina and the nanny switching babies so that Angelina could hold Vivienne – only In Touch claimed that Vivienne starting crying when she was being held by her “abusive” mother, and Angelina handed Viv off to the nanny. That’s the kind of dumb bullsh-t mistake that makes me really hate In Touch.

Anyway, why am I doing this story again? Oh, right, because it’s hilarious. In Touch claims that Angelina is still having sex with her old lesbian girlfriend/mistress Jenny Shimizu. But the way they talk about this “affair” is cracking me up. I’ll give a little taste of the geniuses of In Touch, who are still quoting from “Bill” – that alleged former bodyguard who claims that Angelina abuses her children: “According to Bill, Angelina ha a range of sexual fetishes, including ‘black latex, bodysuits, role-playing and masturbation.’” Is masturbation a fetish now? Isn’t it just, like, something you and everyone else does often enough that it‘s not considered weird or unconventional? It’s like describing missionary-position sex as “kinky”.

Angelina’s first love was not Brad – or even her first husband Jonny Lee Miller. It was supermodel Jenny Shimizu. Although Jenny is in a relationship with Susi Kenna, Bill [Angelina’s alleged former bodyguard who claims she abuses her kids] tells In Touch that their relationship continues today.

Several times, Angelina has cheated on Brad with Jenny, Bill claims, adding that the two women have hooked up for steamy phone sex chats and cybersex more than once within the past “few months”.

Even though she has flown into jealous rages over Brad’s continued contact with his ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston, Angelina seems to live by a different set of rules – especially when it comes to Jenny, who has said in the past that she shares a “deep relationship” with Angie that “goes beyond sex.” [Editor’s note: Yeah, they used to do drugs together too.]

Bill says Angelina confessed to him that she lost interest in Brad a long time ago.

“I have had frank, open conversations with her,” Bill says. “She has said she’s lost interest in Brad as a lover and as a sleeping partner, and prefers to keep that part of her relationship with him open to other options.”

According to Bill, Angelina ha a range of sexual fetishes, including “black latex, bodysuits, role-playing and masturbation.” She’s been known to choose both men and women partners whom, Bill says, “she sees as her equal in bed.” And Jenny is a longtime favorite.

Bill confides that in the past three years, he repeatedly saw Angelina and Jenny “drink wine and when go into a hotel suite together and come out anywhere from a half-hour to three hours later.”

Bill says that he personally saw this “around 10 times.” But he’s certain it happened more often.

[From In Touch Weekly, print edition]

A half-hour? That’s not long enough for an extended latex-clad fetishistic masturbation session. But I’m not sure if three hours is enough time either. Not with all of the kinky missionary sex they were probably having. Seriously, does anyone think that if Angelina really is still this “kinky” in bed, that she and Brad wouldn’t still be going at it all the time? I mean, if six kids don’t dampen her “fetishes” then I don’t see how anyone could get tired with it. But, of course, that’s not the point. The point is that Brad and Angelina both have their “Jennys” that they’re pining for!

Promotional image from ‘Foxfire’ courtesy of IMDB.

In highly unlikely news out yesterday, The Mirror claims that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie plan on naming U2’s Bono as their new twins’ godfather. In April the rumor was that it was going to be George Clooney – and the couple certainly have a wide array of celebrity friends to choose from.

It’s the Sweetest Thing for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s newborn twins. Little Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline are only a few weeks old, but they’ve already shot straight to the top of the showbiz A-list by bagging a superstar godfather – U2′s Bono. After giving birth two weeks ago, Angelina, 33, and Brad, 44, spent a week bonding with their new bundles of joy at Bono’s bolthole in a leafy village in the South of France.

And in return for the kind gesture, the Hollywood couple have asked him to be a permanent fixture in the lives of their tots. Sources tell me thrilled Bono, 48, accepted the offer immediately. A pal of the A-list parents revealed: “Brad and Angie think the world of Bono. They have been friends for years. Brad is a massive U2 fan and told Bono how much he admired him when they were introduced at a party a few years back.

“Since then, they’ve become very close, which Brad is thrilled about. Angelina is inspired by Bono’s humanitarian work and gets on with his wife Ali Hewson. Ali’s given Angelina some clothes from her ethical clothing range Edun.” I’m told the couple are planning a christening ceremony to welcome Bono into the extended family. But they have not yet decided if he will be sharing his duties with a godmother. Angelina has spoken about asking her ex-lesbian lover Jenny Shimzu [sic], but that has yet to be given the nod by Brad.

[From The Mirror]

I could maybe have accepted the POSSIBILITY that Brad and Angelina were considering Bono as a godfather until that last part about Jenny Shimzu. We’re really supposed to believe that the woman who Angelina used to sleep with – who talks about Angelina every chance she gets and is always telling the press that Brad is just a temporary distraction– would be considered by Brad Pitt as the godfather to his children? I call bullshit on that. It makes for good press and I’m sure a ton of sites will pick it up by the end of the day tomorrow, but I can’t imagine that it’s possibly true.

Another random woman has come forward claiming Angelina Jolie seduced her, and has intimated that they slept together. Misty Cooper, who was an assistant to a producer on the set of “Gone in 60 Seconds” in 1999, claims that she wanted Angelina from the moment she saw her, and Angelina wanted Misty too. Cooper’s description is straight out of a cheesy supermarket paperback – she barely manages to hold herself back from bodice ripping and lustily caressing body parts. The whole account sounds trite and likely untrue, but is semi-interesting if for nothing else than its sheer ridiculousness.

“We Immediately felt the sexual chemistry, and I could feel that she was also giving off a vibe. She looked super-hot, and I really wanted her.” Misty said. Misty was well aware of Angelina’s sexual history. She knew that Angie had fallen for lesbian model Jenny Shimizu while they were working together on the set of ‘Foxfire,’ (1996) so she knew she had chance!

One week after their first encounter, they ended up talking at craft services and Misty realized that “Angie wanted to sleep with me as much as I was so desperate to get her into bed,” adding; “You could cut the sexual tension with knife.”

[From Flynet]

The article goes on to say that Misty wasn’t sure if she should pursue Angelina, since she’d just started dating Billy Bob Thorton, who was engaged to Laura Dern at the time. Apparently their “lusty flirting” continued on the set, and Angelina rubbed her body against Misty’s butt. Misty, for some reason, was afraid to reciprocate, despite the aforementioned sexual knife cutting. Angelina supposedly called Misty a tease, with Misty leveling the salacious charge right back at her. Misty was warned to stay away from Angelina by others on the set, who told her Angie was nothing but trouble. But of course, Misty just couldn’t resist.

Then finally on day on set after weeks of flirting and giving strong sexual vibes, they made their move… To Jolie’s trailer!

While Angelina was talking about her sex life, she told Misty that she had many girls but none of them were as good as Billy Bob Thornton. Misty responded with, “But you haven’t had me.” Shortly after an assistant was taking polaroid pictures of the cast and crew on set, and snapped a couple of Angelina and Misty. As you can see in the photos, there was some playful groping involved.

After that, Angelina dropped the bomb; “I want you to come to my trailer, get naked, and we’ll have more fun and more photos.” And although Misty hasn’t revealed what happened once they were inside the trailer, she did say this, “Angie has very soft lips.”

[From Flynet]

Oh barf. Not at the lesbian thing, but just at the bullshit. If this lady is telling the truth, then she sure has an awkward, corny way of speaking. Misty and Angelina never saw each other again, but Misty has no problem echoing the sentiments of Angelina’s acknowledged hookup, model Jenny Shimizu – that Angelina loves the ladies and Brad doesn’t stand a chance, longterm.

When asked about Angie’s new love, Misty responded by saying “She (Angelina) can sleep with anyone she pleases, male or female, and she’s quite the seductress, so what chance does Brad have? Although he’s beautiful looking, there is no way he can keep her down. Angie has an incredible body – Brad should enjoy it while he still can.”

Recently the mother of four and humanitarian, Angelina Jolie, spoke openly about her sexuality, saying “I’ve never hidden my bisexuality, but there’s no longer a place for that in my life.”

Misty disagrees with that. “She (Angelina) told me that only one man had really satisfied her, Billy Bob. Even if Brad is a fabulous lover, Angie still must be wondering what she’s missing,” adding; “It’s only a matter of time before Brad finds him cheating on him with another woman.”

[From Flynet]

Let’s point out that when Angie supposedly said that, she had yet to meet Brad Pitt. Maybe she says the same thing now about Brad. Or maybe it’s all old, recycled bull. One of the commenters on Flynet’s article says that she was a P.A. on the film, and that the whole thing is crap. She says Angie was totally messed up on drugs at that time, to the point that production on the film had to be stopped on several occasions. She also says that Jenny Shimizu visited Angelina several times on the set, and that Shimizu wasn’t just Angie’s girlfriend but also her dealer. Shimizu has also vocally claimed that Angie will always come back to her. Angie has been very upfront about her past, and it doesn’t seem like she’s ever denied something just because it could be considered unsavory. She’s owned up to a lot of things. She has a very different persona now, but I think it’s awesome that she doesn’t try to act like she’s always been that way. Even if there is an ounce of truth to Misty Cooper’s story, it was nine years ago. It has no bearing on Angelina today.

Note by Celebitchy: We used photos of Angelina and Billy Bob because we don’t have the rights to those ones of her messing around with that woman on set. Those are at Flynet if you want to see them. I’m sorry for subjecting you to the kissing one below, but I could not pass it up.

I didn’t want to cover this, because it’s going to open up a shitstorm of comments like any story about Angelina. JayBird did a great job of explaining how fake this all sounds so please be civil about it. If nothing else, it’s a titillating story.