Here are some new photos of Jessica Biel in head-to-toe velvet. Or is it velour? I think it’s velvet. I have to admit… even though this is very costume-y and “Elvis has left the building”… I also kind of like it. Biel’s style is usually so try-hard and awful, and this is a really lovely color on her. Sure, it’s TOO MUCH, too much velvet, too much all of one color, but she’s done much, much worse, you know? I usually hate those skinny pants too, but she looks nice in them.

Anyway, Biel is a Velvet Elvis today because she’s doing some event for Revlon. Have you seen her Revlon mascara ads? They are HILARIOUS. Girl CANNOT act. She’s so bad, I don’t even “buy” that she’s wearing mascara. And as for how overwhelmingly beautiful she is – you know how crushing her beauty is, and how her career suffers so much because of how gorgeous everyone thinks she is – well, the ads don’t really make her look like anything special. I never really see what the fuss is all about regarding Biel’s looks, though. Anyway, here’s one of the ads:

Terrible line reading. “This is. The start of. Something big.” DULL. That being said, if she wanted to sell me some hair product, I wouldn’t be opposed to that. I really like this dark brunette she’s working.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

In Touch Weekly has an odd story this week about how Jessica Biel has finally found a spine and she’s finally cut off contact with Justin Timberlake. Apparently, after Justin and Jessica broke up, Justin still wanted to maintain a friendly relationship, but Biel wasn’t having it:

They spent almost four years together, but in the weeks since their breakup, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel have gone from friendly exes to barely speaking.

After ending things in March, Justin hoped to stay on good terms with Jess, but she recently changed her number and cut him off completely.

“He wanted to stay friends,” says a pal of the exes, but “it was too much for her, so she cut off all contact.”

Justin is still friendly with exes like Cameron Diaz and Britney Spears. “He still cares about Jessica and doesn’t understand why she stopped talking to him,” says a friend.

[From In Touch Weekly, print edition]

If this is true, it’s my hope that Biel cut him off because Justin is a douchey cheater and she’s finally found the strength to move on from a relationship in which she came out looking kind of clingy, needy and pathetic for putting up with his stupidity for so long. I might also buy that Justin is the kind of guy who likes to keep exes around, just for freebie ex sex. Gross.

Meanwhile, this week’s National Enquirer has Jessica Biel trying to rub on Bradley Cooper, a hookup that I fully endorse. Bradley and Biel are kind of perfect for each other, romantically (if you buy that) or beard-wise (if you buy that). The Enquirer claims that Biel has “had a crush” on Bradley since they worked together on The A-Team, and that she recently invited Bradley to go on a hike with her, and Bradley agreed to go “when they can work out a time.” Which makes it sound like he’s not all over it. This might also perturb Jennifer Aniston, who is reportedly trying to get some B. Coop action as well, and The Enquirer’s source claims “Bradley loves that two of the hottest actresses in Hollywood are playing tug-of-war over him.” Gross.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Another week, another Jessica Biel-Gerard Butler story. Can I just say something? Jessica is really pissing me off. I wanted to have sympathy for her post-breakup with Justin Timberlake, but Biel is grating on my last nerve with all of these “rumors” and “insider dish” stories about how Gerard Butler is so hot for her. Her publicist already leaked to Us Weekly that Gerard was really trying to bone her, which he denied. Then she leaked some more stuff about how much he wanted her, and how she loves their friendship and didn’t know if she should give it up, and then, last we heard, she managed to get a story into People Magazine about how she and Gerard bought “cupcakes” for the entire crew. At this point, she’ll just do anything to have her name put together with Gerard’s. And before you start yelling at me and saying that Gerard is a slut, I KNOW. I know he probably hit that. I also know that he’s probably knee-deep in Shreveport biscuits. Gerard does not pine away. He is not looking for a relationship, and he certainly isn’t hard up for Jessica’s stalker ass.

So… the latest story comes from Star Magazine (story via Jezebel). According to their source, Biel’s publicist, Gerard is “crazy” about Biel and he has been “practically glued to her side.” Take it away, Gossip Cop!

“Jessica & Gerard GETTING CLOSE,” reads a headline from Star, recycling an old rumor that Jessica Biel and Gerard Butler are now a romantic pair.

According to a supposed “insider” for the tabloid, Butler “is crazy about Jessica and has been practically glued to her side” while they shoot their rom-com Playing the Field in Louisiana.

Biel allegedly told Butler she just wanted to “be friends” at first, which has supposedly made the actor “chase her even more.”

It’s not “an official romance yet,” says Star, but the pair has been spotted “buying sandwiches” at a local deli and doing karaoke at a nearby hotspot.

However, despite such scandalous sandwich-buying (oh, my!), the magazine’s story about a budding relationship between the co-stars is way off-base.

Butler and Biel are NOT romantically involved.

A source close to Butler tells Gossip Cop the actors are working on Playing the Field together – and that is all.

[From Gossip Cop]

I wonder is Gerard is scared of her. If I was a dude and I was on Biel’s radar, I would be terrified of her. She’s got that Fatal Attraction vibe (to me at least). I know dudes always say that Crazy is good in bed, but I don’t even believe it in this case. I think when Biel is trying to land a boyfriend, she’s crazy, but when she’s got a man, she’s just clingy and vanilla and boring.

Since Biel is trying so hard to land somebody, let’s help her out. Who should she try once she realizes that Gerard has no interest whatsoever in dating her? Strong possibilities: Jake Gyllenhaal, Zac Efron, Penn Badgely, Alex Pettyfer (God, could you imagine?), Bradley Cooper… oh, I’ve got a good one! David Arquette! He’s wounded, she’s desperate. They could really make a go of it.

Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.

Gerard Butler still hasn’t come to Virginia to propose to me, so my experience with rich boyfriends is… limited. The most expensive thing any dude has ever bought me was… well, I don’t even want to say. It’s embarrassing. Still, I think I may have golddigger tendencies, because if I ever got the chance to land someone decent and rich, I would totally expect expensive gifts. Not quite Style of Jolie junk, but some pretty cocktail rings, and maybe some art and nice purses. Is that too much to ask? Call me old-fashioned, but I consider that kind of stuff an investment. The actual gifts would be an investment for me, and for the guy, they would be an investment in my biscuits.

Jessica Biel has no desire to hang on to those investments, however. At least according to Star Magazine, whose sources claim that Biel is currently giving away some of the higher-ticket items that Justin Timberlake gave her while they were dating:

It’s good to be Jessica Biel’s friend! Since splitting from Justin Timberlake after four years together, the actress is unloading all the love gifts he bought her during their relationship, says an insider.

“She gave a $9,000 Rolex watch to her assistant and a $10,000 diamond bracelet and a one-carat diamond earrings to her producing partner.”

[From Star Magazine, print edition]

I can see giving that stuff away if it’s not really your taste, but who would honestly give away $10,000+ worth of diamonds? Even if they reminded you of your douchey cheater ex, YOU KEEP THE DIAMONDS. The diamonds make it all better. Not really, but they are definitely what you hold on to post-split.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Poor Jessica Biel. She goes from a tough breakup (with Justin Timberlake) to a film where she’s working with a notorious womanizer, and she still can’t get this junk going. It actually reminds me a lot of the Jennifer Aniston stuff when Aniston and Gerard worked on Bounty Hunter – there’s this effort, this straining to be mentioned together in tabloid stories. And if Biel doesn’t watch out, she’s going to get the same “Butler Treatment” – a very public finger up the bum after which she’s promptly dumped for his next conquest. Anyway, Biel has really been trying to make this Butler thing happen. Her people have already leaked stories about how Butler is somehow pining away for her on the Louisiana set of their new film, Playing the Field. Her people have also leaked stories about how the two have eaten food together – GASP! – although even People Magazine isn’t convinced. And now this story:

Jessica Biel and costar Gerard Butler ordered 13 dozen cupcakes from Cush’s Grocery and Market for the cast and crew of Playing the Field, which they’re shooting in Shreveport, La.

“It’s a wide variety of cupcakes [that] she and Gerard ordered for a Friday treat,” a source tells PEOPLE. Biel has dropped into the store several times for lunch, and usually orders the chicken salad special, the source says, calling the actress “one of the nicest, most down-to-earth people.”

[From People]

Jesus, Biel. We get it. You. Gerard. Cupcakes = Butler licking your cupcakes privately. It’s an attempt to sound like Jessica and Gerard are making coupley decisions together, like Gerard rolled over in bed and said, “My darling, I just thought of the nicest thing. We should buy the crew cupcakes!” Who is buying this crap?

Also – Jessica is “one of the nicest, most down-to-earth people”? Truly nice and down-to-earth people don’t need their publicists to shove quotes about their niceness down everybody’s throats. I’ve read interviews with Biel – and while she’s not actively mean or nasty, she’s totally full of herself. I want to hear from the Shreveport residents who say things like, “That Jessica girl is okay, but she’s always pushing her booty out whenever that Gerard fella is around. I think she’s stalking him?”

Photos courtesy of WENN.

A few days ago, Us Weekly reported that Jessica Biel and Gerard Butler might be starting some kind of torrid, grunting, bland affair. Well, they actually claimed that Gerard was all over Jessica and that she just wanted to be friends, insinuating that Gerard is pining away for her or something. Many predicted this turn of events – it’s a really obvious move by Jessica’s publicity team, hoping to encourage this image of Jessica as a sexy, fun girl who would attract the attention of a notorious ladies’ man like Gerard. Because her standard image is of a desperate, clingy, psycho stalker who hangs onto whatever A-list guy she can find. And while Gerard might aim low, so to speak, for the easy pickings like Jessica, he’s not pining away for anybody (except me, right?). Anyway, now People Magazine is even getting in on the mutterings about Biel and Butler:

Newly single Jessica Biel and new Playing the Field costar Gerard Butler were sharing dinner (literally!) while on a break from shooting their new movie in Shreveport, La. The two were eating at Tokyo Japanese Restaurant along with other members of their cast and crew. Butler ordered a green tea, and mostly picked off of Biel’s plate, the restaurant’s hostess tells us. But the social actor made the rounds, chatting up his colleagues (and fellow diners) before returning to Biel’s side.

[From People]

God, Biel’s publicist is really pushing this potential Butler hookup hard, right? People was like, “Okay, we’ll throw her a bone, but we’re going to make it sound like he was mooching food and schmoozing the crew.” Poor Jessica.

To make matters even worse, even E! News’ Ted Casablanca isn’t buying it, and he buys everything!

After reports yesterday surfaced that Jessica Biel was getting her revenge flirt on with Gerard Butler, we did some digging around as to what is going down on the set of Playing the Field. Jess and Gerry are filming together in Louisiana and have been seen out flirting on four occasions, according to Us Weekly. So is it lust, love or both?

According to set sources, nothing has happened between the two (yet).

“They have never had dinner alone,” dishes an insider in Louisiana. “They are always in a crew of people on the film.”

Still, that doesn’t mean these two hotties couldn’t sneak away, right?

“There is no romance or relationship,” insists the source.

A rep for Biel did not return our calls for comment. Got it.

Just saying, if Jess didn’t feel like resisting Gerard’s charm for too long we wouldn’t judge. Who says they need to have a relationship? Or romance for that matter. Celebs have needs too!

As we said yesterday, friends of Gerry’s said he was not looking to settle down anytime soon.

So who would you all like to see Ms. Biel with next?

Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis are gearing up for a press tour together, where their fab chemistry is going to be flaunted everywhere—we cannot wait!

It’s only fair that Biel finds herself an equally hot counterpart to cavort around with for a while. We suggested Bradley Cooper. Can you all do better?

[From E! News]

Why am I starting to think that Gerard reacted with horror when he realized Biel was trying to cling to his jock, privately and publicly? Is anyone else getting that impression? Either Gerard is being kind of rude, or one-on-one, Biel comes across like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. Take your pick!

Photos courtesy of WENN.

I apologize to the commenter who gave us the tip that Gerard Butler and Jessica Biel have been spending time together in Louisana. I forget both the commenter’s name, and what thread it was on. Suffice to say, Commenter X mentioned that Gerard and Jessica had been spotted eating together in a public restaurant in Shreveport. They’re working together right now in Playing the Field, the rom-com where Gerry is playing a soccer coach. Anyway, Us Weekly has a story up right now that is similar to our commenter’s tip. Only now I just want to pull out my slut shank and take care of Jessica Biel once and for all. Just as soon as my rage headache dissipates.

Justin who? Just five days after announcing her split with beau of four years Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel was spotted cozying up to her Playing the Field costar Gerard Butler.

Currently filming the flick in Shreveport, Louisiana, Biel, 29, and the 300 hunk, 41, were first spotted out for a crew member’s birthday at a Japanese restaurant on March 15.

“When Gerry got there, he made a beeline for Jessica,” an eyewitness tells Us. “He was really flirting with her.”

Two nights later, the duo was seen throwing back margaritas at a Mexican restaurant. And that’s not all, Biel and Butler shared two more dinners later that week!

Still a source close to the actress says, “She only wants to be friends.”

For all the details on their canoodling, check out this weeks Us Weekly.

[From Us Weekly]

Bitch, you wish. I have no doubt that this item was dropped into Us Weekly by Biel’s publicist. While Gerard isn’t really the cream of the A-list crop, being associated with him would certainly be useful to Biel, publicity-wise. But I’ve got to throw a “bitch, please” at “a source close to the actress says, ‘She only wants to be friends.’” Like Gerard is just so hard up that he’s pining away for the bland ass. Now, I’m sure Gerard wouldn’t mind hitting it – he’s a slut, after all. But until Biel gives it up, I’m sure Gerard is knee-deep in Shreveport ass.

Also – Biel knew that she was going to be starring with Gerard when she and Timberlake broke up. Was she preparing Gerard as her jumpoff? I say no – just because I think she would have much better luck with Bradley Cooper, who might be a more willing participant in whatever shenanigans she wants to pull. Gerard isn’t interested in having an “official girlfriend” for his “image”. He’s fine with his happy-go-lucky womanizer image.

Note to Gerard: This is not the way to win my heart. Back away from the Biel. Slowly.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

I’ve just been skimming Us Weekly’s full cover story this week, all about Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel’s breakup, and it is truly disturbing. Us Weekly released a just-the-basics summary yesterday (you can read my coverage of it here), but the bulk of the print article is simply detailed accounts of all of Justin’s hookups while he was “with” Jessica. There are A LOT. I’m just going to do the highlights:

*Winter 2007: JT hooks up with a girl he met at a bar and had only spoken to for 15 minutes. “He found her Southern accent irresistible, the woman bragged to a friend, also revealing that she picked him up, and that he was an amazing kisser. According to the source, she and Timberlake dashed off to her apartment around the corner for a quick interlude, then he returned to the bar to rejoin his friends.”

*A source tells Us Weekly: “Justin often used a certain friend as a mule for the chicks he wanted to get with. He’d meet them at the club, then have a friend get the number or the friend and the girl would make their way back to Justin’s separately. No one batted an eye.”

*The British press refers to JT as “Justin Trousersnake”.

*JT tried to get with Rihanna circa Fall 2008, but she “would not go there.”

*Ciara also wasn’t into it.

*Kate Hudson and JT might have hooked up in December of 2009 – just before Kate and Alex Rodriguez split.

*March 2010: he was cozying up to a “handsy waitress” in Las Vegas.

*Fall 2010: Olivia Munn. They met in September and immediately began an affair. A source says they had “amazing sex.” A source says Timberlake wanted to continue the affair, but Olivia “didn’t want to be the other woman.” That source is likely Olivia Munn.

*When Jessica Biel “insisted” on throwing Justin a birthday party (he said he “just wanted a quiet night, even telling her he had to work”), Justin called up his lover Olivia Munn to complain. At that point, Olivia and JT were in “steady contact” although Olivia had “given him an ultimatum” to dump Biel. Rii-ight.

*JT’s “pickup tricks”: He flirts, shamelessly, and then he dances. Then he “pursues his interests with passion”. He “constantly” texted Olivia Munn and he blocked Mila Kunis from talking to other men. He also flatters, shamelessly.

*Biel believed that JT was faithful because “there were never any truly incriminating photos, voice mails or texts… if Jessica ever had proof that he had cheated, she would have left immediately.”

*The Mila Kunis Situation: A source says, “Everyone is trying to put Mila in the middle of this breakup, but nothing happened between them.” According to the source, JT tried the whole “Jessica and I aren’t really together, now let’s hookup” angle on Mila, but “Mila knew he had a girlfriend and made it clear it wasn’t going to happen.” AND! JT’s chances with Mila aren’t any better now that he’s single – “He tried every trick in the book, but Mila is not attracted to him.”

[From Us Weekly, print edition]

OK! Magazine also has something about Mila and Justin and how they totally did NOT have anything physical or emotional, but OK! Magazine says it’s because Mila doesn’t want to be like Angelina Jolie. Because Mila played the young Gia Carrangi and Angelina played the older Gia, get it?

Anyway, some marketing genius decided that this was the right time to release new, even more sexed-up trailer for Mila and Justin’s Friends With Benefits. I have to admit, I actually smiled briefly at two parts of this:

It looks cuter than that Natalie Portman-Ashton Kutcher junk.

Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.

Can I admit something? Unless it involves Michael Fassbender or someone equally sexy, I am totally over the use of male actors on the cover of fashion magazines. Bradley Cooper is not equally sexy to Fassbender, but B. Coop is a bigger “name” celebrity than the utterly indistinctive Abbie Cornish, who for all we know is just Charlie Theron in a hideous wig, so that’s why Bradley is one the April cover of Marie Claire as well. Anyway, Bradley and Abbie are in Limitless together, and they did the Marie Claire interview together too. It’s a totally boring Q&A, and you can read it here.

What I really want to talk about is this week’s Star Magazine cover story. Apparently, the tabloid has an “exclusive” on Bradley Cooper’s wandering dong. According to the tabloid, Bradley has been fooling around on Renee Zellweger with… Sandra Bullock! And maybe Jessica Biel too.

In a fairly juicy cover story, we learn that Bradley Cooper and Sandra Bullock left a hotel just minutes apart, looking flustered, with mussed-up hair! Part of Bradley’s shirt was sticking out of his pants, and his hat was on crooked, says an eyewitness. Sandra’s outfit was pretty wrinkled, too.

Also! Bradley was caught “cuddling” Jessica Biel on the set of New Year’s Eve during a break from filming in late February. According to the Harlequin romance writers at the mag, “his hand lingered on her hip and he pressed up against her” and “Bradley stared deep into her eyes and smiled back knowingly.”

So: Is Jessica Biel’s bond with Bradley Cooper what tore her and Justin apart? Rumor has it JT was “incredibly jealous” and “suspected there was something going on.”

[From Star via Jezebel’s Midweek Madness]

Quite honestly, I think Star might have picked those two names out of the air. Well… Star claims to have the photographic evidence of Sandy and B. Coop, but I tend to think that Bradley is allegedly boning Sandy and Jessica, according to this tabloid, because there are plenty of photos of Bradley with those two ladies. Because he’s worked with both of them, and all of them promote their junk. Also: this is not the first time Star has claimed that Bradley has screwed around on Renee. Back in 2009, Bradley was allegedly boning Jordana Brewster’s little sister Isabella on the down-low, behind Renee’s back. So… is Bradley a cheater?

Photos courtesy of WENN, Cover Awards & Marie Claire.

Oh, joy! Us Weekly has put the Justin Timberlake-Jessica Biel drama on their cover this week. It makes sense, because Us Weekly was the publication with all of the big scoops on Justin’s wandering dong – they were the first to report the Olivia Munn affair, they were the first to report that JT was trying to get in Mila Kunis’s pants, and Us Weekly even had a big “Jessica is a clingy superfreak and Justin tells everybody that he’s single” story last year. Anyway, since Justin and Jessica confirmed their split last week, most of the rumors have been about Justin’s wandering dong, and the potential for a jumpoff relationship with Mila Kunis, although sources say they aren’t hooking up yet. Jessica Biel’s publicity team tried to play offense yesterday, leaking to Page Six that Biel had done the dumping – and no one is buying. So… what is Us Weekly’s cover story all about? How Justin was absolutely miserable with Jessica, and how he “had been aggressively trying to end things” for a long time. See, this is the kind of story that makes me have sympathy for him.

They just weren’t in synch. In a statement to UsMagazine.com last Thursday, reps for Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel said the pair “mutually have decided to part ways.”

The harsh truth: Timberlake, 30, “had been aggressively trying to end things” with the actress, 29, since the Golden Globes Jan. 16, one source close to the singer tells the new Us Weekly, out Wednesday.

What’s more, the pal adds, “he hasn’t been happy with Jessica for close to two years.” (The couple got together in January 2007, shortly after Timberlake’s split from Cameron Diaz.)

“You’d be surprised at how soon the love was lost on this one,” the friend continues. “Justin said he was miserable.”

Timberlake finally fessed up to his feelings about the relationship shortly after his Jan. 31 birthday. “He just said he didn’t want to marry her and it didn’t feel right,” another source says. Biel, the source says, was blindsided. “It just stung her in the heart.”

But even in that final “talk,” Timberlake didn’t come clean about his rampant affairs with other women (including actress Olivia Munn, among others.) “He didn’t admit the cheating, even though we all knew it,” the insider says.

For much more on the big-time breakup — why Biel never “believed” stories of his cheating, how Timberlake partied the day of the split announcement and more — pick up the new Us Weekly, on stands now.

[From Us Weekly]

I buy this. I buy all of it. To make matters worse (or more hilarious), Us Weekly must have contacted Jessica’s publicist about this cover story, and Biel decided to not even fight with that publication. Instead, Biel and her publicity team leaked this to People Magazine… and it was even published before Us Weekly released their story online! Like, it’s Biel’s pre-emptive strike. And I’m still not buying Biel’s version:

Friends of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel have already shot down rumors that the couple’s recent breakup was caused by cheating. Nor was it caused by a discussion of marriage, friends of the two tell PEOPLE.

“The topic of marriage wasn’t the catalyst or final straw that broke up the relationship,” says a Timberlake friend, responding to rumors that Biel, 29, pressured Timberlake, 30, to rush down the aisle.

Contrary to some reports, “there was no ring shopping,” says a source close to Biel. “She wasn’t even thinking about marriage. That didn’t play a part in their breakup at all.”

In the wake of the split, Timberlake “is upset,” says his friend. “They always spent vacations together. They always spent down time together. He was invested in her, in her friends and family.”

Continues the friend: “He was invested in their relationship on a lot of different levels. After four years it’s just not easy to walk away from it.”

[From People]

You know who the “friends” are, right? They’re Jessica and her publicist! Worst. Pre-emptive. Strike. Ever. I don’t buy that Justin’s wandering dong wasn’t a big factor in the breakup, because I think Justin did the dumping and I think he really wants a new girlfriend, rather than just some semi-private hookups. And Biel can tell herself that he was “invested” in the relationship, but at the end of the day, he doesn’t give a crap. He really doesn’t.

Photos courtesy of Fame, Us Weekly cover courtesy of CoverAwards.