These are literally the dregs of the Golden Globes fashion girls. Conveniently enough, these four women are my nominees for “worst dressed” at last night’s Golden Globes. In one case, it’s not even that the woman looked like total hell, it was just the harsh dichotomy between what was happening in her own delusional mind and the reality that she was and is not even 1% as important as she thinks she is. Scratch that – I just described all of them. SPOILER.

First up: Jessica Biel in a bridal doily by Elie Saab. I cannot even begin to describe my disgust at this look. First of all, it’s a wedding dress. Second of all, it’s a HIDEOUS wedding dress. Third of all, NO Jessica Biel, I don’t want to see your biscuits. Fourth of all, it doesn’t fit. Fifth of all, it’s just awful. WTF was she thinking?

Next up: Piper Perabo in Theory. A different girl might have made this work. But Piper is a bad actress on a crappy “girly CIA” show, and she just showed up to the Golden Globes in a gigantic ball gown. She’s like this year’s Olivia Wilde, only Olivia Wilde actually had some heat and some buzz around her when she came to the Globes in a ball gown. Piper has no heat. She just overdressed in a ball gown like an a–hole. Plus, it was a really ugly ball gown with a sheer panel down the middle of her chest. Awful.

Now, Paula Patton. We’ve given Paula some leniency in the past, mostly because she is a beautiful woman. But dear God, she was SO annoying on the red carpet. And she just wouldn’t leave either! And for why? Were we supposed to be impressed with her Big Bird dress? Awful.

And last but not least, Elle Macpherson. It’s not even that she looked bad. It’s just that she sauntered around the carpet, tossing her extensions and doing model-poses like she owned the place. Bitch, you’re the budget Heidi Klum on the budget Project Runway. Ease up.

UPDATE: CB wanted me to add Amanda Peet, who was one of her worst-dressed picks of the night. This seriously looks like a shower-curtain dress. It’s Marc Jacobs.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Here are some new photos of Jessica Biel at a W Magazine event on Friday. It was a star-studded event, with Charlize Theron, Emma Stone and Benedict Cumberbatch also in attendance. Jessica was kind of the “star” of the event, though. Isn’t that weird? It was her first public appearance since every media outlet claimed that she and Justin Timberlake had gotten engaged over the holidays. For the occasion, Biel chose this absolutely gorgeous Oscar de la Renta gown – this dress hugs her every curve, and I should just say… I have issues with Jessica Biel as a person, as an actress, and as a celebrity but dear God – her body is really hot. Such a great body… such a bland girl. Anyway, as you can imagine, Jessica was flying solo to the event, but she managed to be the talk of all of the outlets because she didn’t choose this occasion to flash her allegedly new engagement ring. Where’s the ring, Biel?

The future Mrs. Justin Timberlake is bringing sexy back — and then some! Hitting Friday’s W Magazine Golden Globes bash at the famed Chateau Marmont in West Hollywood — her first red carpet appearance since her top-secret engagement to Timberlake — Jessica Biel proved once and for all why she’s a keeper.

The stunning New Year’s Eve actress, 29, provoked mass chaos on the red carpet in a skin-tight gold dress by Oscar de la Renta, her hair still a dark shade of brown. (The ultra-private actress declined to wear her engagement ring at the party.) Also turning heads at the bash? Elizabeth Olsen, Jessica Chastain, Kirsten Dunst, Charlize Theron, Miranda Kerr and hubby Orlando Bloom, Rachel Zoe, Emma Stone, Octavia Spencer, Liev Schreiber, Camilla Alves (but no Matthew McConnaughey)…and Lindsay Lohan.

With her hubby-to-be Timberlake, 31, nowhere to be found, Biel was sweet and gracious — but nervous — greeting photographers, pals and well-wishers on the red carpet. The star introduced herself to folks as “Jessie,” not Jessica, and gabbed with one pal about her planned dress for Sunday’s Golden Globe awards, even showing pics on her cell phone of the frock.

Biel (who accepted Timberlake’s proposal during a romantic ski vacation in Jackson Hole, Wyoming in late December) even proved to be a good sport — opting to climb six flights of stairs to Chateau’s penthouse after the elevator traffic got backed up.

For his part, Timberlake (with a new full beard) made his first post-engagement appearance last week at CES in Las Vegas for a MySpace TV presentation. The singer-actor has “never been happier” with Biel, an insider told Us Weekly. “He knew it was the right time to propose.”

[From Us Weekly]

Justin and “Jessie” (??) are such a strange couple. I suspect that Jessie just did this for more attention – drawing out the time frame in which we’ll actually be interested in seeing her ring. Because that’s all she’s got going? Maybe. I hate that people are telling her that all she’s got to offer is being “Mrs. Timberlake” though. Because I don’t even think she’s got that – I really doubt Justin will ever marry her. Who knows, though. This couple makes no sense.

I’m also including some photos of Emma Stone at this same event, just because she looked like total ass. I’m sure she’s stoned, but this Lanvin dress and the makeup is doing her no favors. It’s a bad day when Emma falls so far and Jessica Biel looks so amazing at the same event.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

As it turns out, Justin Timberlake’s proposal to Jessica Biel isn’t quite the bonanza of great press that they thought it would be. Us Weekly is calling JT out on this week’s cover – basically saying that Justin is a cheater (true story) and that he’ll totally screw around on Jessica again. As I was looking through the tabloids, I was surprised to see that nearly all of them had similarly negative stories too. The main arc seems to be the nonsensical narrative that JT only proposed to Jessica to get her to STFU, and he doesn’t even want to marry her:

Justin only proposed to Jessica Biel to buy more time as a bachelor!

A source tells The Enquirer, “Justin knew that Jessica would dump him unless he committed to making her his bride, so his proposal was just lip service! He told friends that he has no intention of rushing down the aisle and he only went through with the engagement to get Jessica off his back. Justin says it’ll be at least a year and probably several more before they actually tie the knot.”

“Justin loves Jessica, but he also cherishes his freedom,” continued the source. “He wants to be in a relationship with Jessica, but not necessarily as a married couple. But marriage and kids is the end goal for Jessica, and she told Justin late last year that she’d break up with him for good unless he agreed to settle down with her.”

“Rather than keep dealing with Jessica’s nagging, Justin caved to the marriage pressure.”

Justin reportedly presented Jessica with a custon-designed engagement ring, and she’s already making plans for the big day.

“But Justin fully intends to ride the engagement phase,” the source added. “He wants to remain a single guy as long as possible.”

[From The Enquirer, print edition]

I still don’t understand. What is the thought process here? “My girlfriend is nagging me constantly about getting married but I don’t want to so I’ll just propose and that will shut her up and I never have to marry her”???? Is that it? As I was typing that out, it occurred to me that I know guys who have totally done that… but still. Doesn’t it even enter Justin’s mind – “Hey, maybe I should just break up with her”?

Meanwhile, In Touch Weekly’s story goes even further – sources tell ITW, “Justin’s not giving up his freedom. As much as he loves spending time with her, he likes hanging out with the guys too. He sees no reason why he has to give that up.” Apparently, Jessica thinks Justin is magically going to want to stay home with her all of the time now, and friends are already predicting disaster. Like it’s not already a disaster.

Photos courtesy of Fame, WENN.

Some of you took issue with my claim that Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are engaged “officially” after Us Weekly ran the story with some unnamed sources confirming. I stand by it, though. Jessica’s tabloids of choice are Us Weekly and People Magazine – her publicist is always dropping stories about how Jessica is so beautiful and how all of the dudes that meet Jessica just fall all over themselves in her presence. So… I believe that they’re engaged. I just don’t know WHY they’re engaged. And Us Weekly doesn’t know either.

After denying Biel and Timberlake’s engagement the cover story last week, Us Weekly decided to give them the cover this week, but it’s not some happy celebration. Us Weekly is just calling Justin Timberlake a cheater, flat-out, and they’re making Jessica sound like… a doormat? A shrew? Whatever it is, it isn’t flattering. What do you make of the cover lines, “Do cheaters ever change” and “It took a bitter breakup and Jessica’s ultimatum before Timberlake finally proposed. Now her friends worry he’ll break her heart.” YIKES.

By the way, Us Weekly was also Olivia Munn’s tabloid of choice when she (I mean, an “unnamed source close to Olivia Munn”) wanted to go public with her affair with JT. I think it was Olivia’s attempt to get Justin and Jessica to breakup, so Justin would be free to be her (Olivia’s) girlfriend – you should totally go back and read those stories, just for a refresher. Jessica has already put up with so much crap from JT. And I’m still mystified as to A) Why Justin even proposed when it seems like he can barely stand to be in the same room with Jessica and B) Why Jessica agreed to this scheme that really doesn’t benefit her in the long run, you know?

Photos courtesy of WENN, cover courtesy of Earsucker.

Well, it happened. There were reports just before Christmas that Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake might have gotten engaged while they were spending their holiday together in Wyoming. There were rumors on Twitter, and all of that good stuff. Now Us Weekly confirms that Biel and Timberlake are definitely official. Sidenote: I wonder what kind of deal Biel’s publicist has with Us Weekly?

After a series of breakups and makeups, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel have finally decided to get married!

Several insiders tell the new issue of Us Weekly (on stands Friday) that the couple of four and a half years became engaged in late December.

Timberlake, a six-time Grammy winner, popped the question to Biel, 29, in the mountains of Jackson, Wyoming.

“Justin knows how much she loves snowboarding and the mountains, so it was the perfect place,” one insider explains.

After a brief three-month split in 2011, Biel made it clear that she wanted to spend her life with Timberlake, 30. “When they reunited, they had a conversation about taking the next step.”

Another Timberlake insider adds that he’s “never been happier” with the New Year’s Eve actress. “He knew it was the right time to propose.”

[From Us Weekly]

I don’t even know. I mean, congratulations to the happy couple. I would really, really love to know what the proposal was like. Did Biel demand a certain kind of proposal? Or did it just come out of a “Where are we now, what is the next step in our relationship” conversation? Did Justin have a ring ready? I’d also like to know how all of this works – Justin has cheated on Jessica before, and their relationship has always been on-again, off-again. Are they both settling? Why do they feel the need to make this disaster official? I still don’t understand. Meh.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

LaineyGossip had this yesterday, and now major celebrity news outlets are running with the story as an unconfirmed rumor. Allegedly, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel have gotten engaged while vacationing in Wyoming. They have been staying at a luxury resort, and there’s some gossip on Twitter that Justin proposed to her. Of course, all of this could be a figment of the imagination of Jessica’s publicist.

With their five-year anniversary fast approaching, have Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel decided to take the next step?

The rumor mill is a-churning with rumblings that they recently got engaged at a swanky Wyoming resort, although details are scarce to nonexistent (not to mention Twitter-based) and their reps have yet to comment.

The question-popping whispers come nine months after Justin, 30, and Jessica, 29, announced their split.

Among the alleged reasons for the apparently mutual breakup: his wandering eye, her desire to walk down the aisle, and their feeling that the relationship had run its course.
But the romantic breather lasted only until July, when they were spied bike-riding in Toronto. From there, they quietly picked up where they left off.

“She is the single-handedly most significant person in my life,” Timberlake told the July issue of Vanity Fair. “In my 30 years, she is the most special person, OK?”

Jessica, meanwhile, downplayed a possible knot-tying in the December issue of Elle, saying, “I don’t feel pressured. I was never one of those girls who dreamt of my wedding and my prince charming.”

[From Wonderwall]

I don’t think it should count as “five years together” when they have broken up a few times, for months at a time. How about “five years of on-and-off BS with lots of infidelities”? That sounds right.

If this is true and Jessica finally got the ring… congratulations? Sure. I wonder what she really thinks that will accomplish, though. Will she get more scripts as an A-lister’s wife? Ask Katie Holmes. As for Justin… ugh. I just think he’s really screwed up about women, and I don’t really understand it at all. Does he really think that his relationship with Jessica is healthy, and she should be his wife? I don’t mean to be the wet blanket, but this whole thing seems like a disaster in the making.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

This is the weirdest story, and I really mean that. It’s profoundly odd. First, did you know that Jessica Biel has a little brother? She does. His name is Justin. Is it weird to date someone with the same name as your brother? I think that would gross me out. So, Justin Biel worked for his big sister’s boyfriend, Justin Timberlake. Justin Biel was employed at JT’s liquor company, 901 Tequila, but sources suggest Justin Biel no longer works for 901, and hasn’t for a few weeks. Justin Biel recently posted several videos to his Facebook page which… are harsh. Justin Biel calls out JT for not promoting or supporting his own brand of tequila.

At one point, Biel says, “I’ve been waiting for [Timberlake] to do something with this f–king brand — make a song about it, put it in a g–damn video, hold it up, take some pictures, I don’t care — just do something because we’re dying on the motherf–king vine here! Sales dropped drastically from last year … way to go sales team! Our distribution partners still couldn’t give two f–ks about the brand, repping Patron all the way, and giving us the ol’ fist up the ass.” Here’s the video – there’s some NSFW language:

It’s harsh, right? And it seems like a guy who is having a really honest (albeit douchey) rant. So is it for real? TMZ goes on to report that sources claim Justin Biel left 901 on “good terms” and a rep for 901 says, “Justin Biel’s video was intended to be one in a series of videos created by 901 Tequila employees (including the brand owner) as part of a larger viral marketing campaign slated for the end of December. It was released prematurely without our knowledge and prior to the final edit.” But… Justin Biel went on Facebook and wrote, “For all you knuckleheads that haven’t figured it out. This is just a joke. hahah. Got ya.” So… is it a joke or is it a viral marketing campaign? Did JT just order Jessica to shut down her brother? And what of Justin Biel’s claims – I tend to believe them. Who gives a crap about 901 tequila? No one. It’s on no one’s radar. JT doesn’t support his own brand.

Screencaps courtesy of TMZ, additional pics by WENN.

I’m still in love with the darker shade of brown that Jessica Biel has been rocking for months. Honestly, her hair dye is my favorite thing about this extremely bland and aggressively ambitious girl. These are photos from an event last night benefiting “water.” That’s all. While searching for the name of the event, I found only this – the “6th Annual Charity Ball benefiting charity: water.” Jessica has done charity work for water charities before, but I seem to remember those charities had jazzier names. “charity: water” isn’t really eye-catching.

The dude with Jessica in these photos is named Scott Harrison, and I guess he runs “charity: water.” He’s kind of cute – he looks kind of like Bob Hope squished together with a teddy bear. Considering Jessica thinks Justin Timberlake’s jock is the best she can do, I wouldn’t mind Jessica having a torrid affair with a normal, decent-looking guy like Scott at all.

As for Jessica’s dress – it’s Valentino. And when the flashes hit it, you can see right through the tiered, gauzy skirt, which is super-tacky. But I just don’t like these kinds of over-worked, fussy, lacy dresses on younger girls. I don’t like them on older girls, either, but younger girls are choosing these fussy, old-lady, widow-wear more and more. Jessica looks like she’s draped in a black doily. Bad.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

These are photos of Jessica Biel from last night, where she did The Late Show with David Letterman in the white dress, and then the NYC premiere of New Year’s Eve in the beaded dress. The white dress is Victoria Beckham, and it looks really great on Jessica… except for whatever is happening at the waist. It looks like it should be taken in at the waist a bit – there’s some weird fabric issue happening there. Jessica’s premiere dress was Valentino and… I don’t really care for it. I’m kind of over actresses with supporting parts in films wearing full-on gowns to the premieres. It reeks of overkill. This Valentino might have been interesting on an awards show red carpet, except Jessica isn’t getting nominated for anything so she just over-dresses for premieres of dumb rom-coms.

But I don’t dislike everything Jessica is doing – her hair looks so, so good. I love the slightly darker brunette she’s been working lately. I also love her makeup – she’s got good makeup people for the most part. I also kind of like that Justin Timberlake didn’t show up at the premiere – even though they’re back on, I like that Justin consistently refuses to show up for any of Jessica’s projects. That’s their “thing.”

Have you ever noticed how much Jessica kind of looks like Sofia Vergara? I just noticed that in some of these photos.

Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.

Every week, I read almost all of the tabloids, but it’s a rare occasion when I read one tabloid story that makes me sit up and scream “YES!” This is one of those occasions – and this might be one of my favorite stories of the year. First, some backstory. Jessica Biel was the cover girl for the December issue of Elle Magazine, and her Elle cover profile and interview was ROUGH. Personally, I thought she sounded delusional and pathetic – the entire interview was about all of these films that Biel auditions for and never gets, and while I admired her “nothing ventured, nothing gained” mentality, at some point, Biel becomes a joke. You should really just go read my post on it – I was one of the few people that excerpted big chunks of the interview anyway. Here are the two quotes that are relevant to the story:

Biel on auditioning for Catwoman in the new Batman film: “Another one that got away. I was gutted. I mean, to work with Christopher Nolan in that kind of role?”

Biel on the last time she felt terrified: “I felt terrified when I was auditioning for Les Miserables, the movie that Tom Hooper is doing. I was terrified to sing in front of him. I auditioned for Fantine, and I sang “I Dreamed a Dream.” I didn’t get it. I would have loved it.”

[Via Elle Magazine]

Biel doesn’t name-check Anne Hathaway specifically, but those are two parts that went to Anne, and obviously, Jessica Biel thinks she’s on the same “level,” career-wise, with Anne. Do I even have to explain the “BITCH PLEASE” of that? Even for those people who don’t care for Anne as a person, please admit that Anne is one of the better actresses of her generation, and at the very least, Anne is a far superior actress than Jessica Biel. Anyway, this Enquirer story is all about Anne being super-pissed at Biel’s Elle interview, and Anne allegedly calling Biel out in private:

Anne Hathaway and Jessica Biel are embroiled in a bitter catfight – over who’s a better actress! Jessica was reportedly resentful after losing out on Catwoman in The Dark Knight Rises, as well as a role in Les Miserables – both roles that went to Anne Hathaway. In a recent interview, Jessica insinuated that she and Anne were in competition for the same choice parts.

The comparison infuriated Anne, and she got word back to Jessica to “quit complaining” and accept that she’s “not in the same league when it comes to acting,” divulged an insider.

“In truth, Anne feels she’s a true leading lady who has been nominated for Academy Awards and Golden Globes, while Jessica’s movie career doesn’t even compare,” the insider explained. “In her opinion, Jessica is known for her TV role on 7th Heaven and blockbuster-type movies like The A-Team that show a limited acting range. And not only does Anne feel she’s superior on-screen, she also believes that Jessica showed a lack of professionalism by even making the comparison in the first place!”

“Anne thinks Jessica had an ulterior motive by making it seem like she was stealing roles right out from under her,” added the insider. “She sees Jessica’s move as premeditated, designed to make casting directors place them on the same level – and possibly to coax them into hiring her over Anne, who makes more per film and is in greater demand. Now Anne’s ready to take this fight to the next level. Anne let Jessica know that if she does another interview with a writing, casting director or director equating the two, she wants a face-to-face meeting. And everyone’s waiting for more fur to fly.”

[From The Enquirer, print edition]

“She sees Jessica’s move as premeditated, designed to make casting directors place them on the same level – and possibly to coax them into hiring her over Anne…” I could see that. I think that in Biel’s mind, if she keeps telling people in interview after interview that she’s auditioning for all of these great parts and that she’ll do ANYTHING for a great role, that maybe, someday, she’ll get her chance. But if Anne is even deigning to shove a “bitch, please” in Biel’s face, that’s also a win for Biel. Anne acknowledged her – Anne must be threatened! VICTORY. The only way Anne could really win is if she’s asked about Biel and she replied, “Who?”

Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.