Paparazzi photo agency X17 online presents Jessica Simpson’s timeline on the night that she was said to have hooked up with John Mayer at the Four Seasons, as reported by TMZ and gleefully repeated here. She didn’t get back to her room until 1:30 AM, and was seen leaving club Hyde with producer James Krisel. Commentors note that if she was dating Krisel she would have on her corpse makeup and would have worn her hair down.

It’s possible that she got busy with Mayer once she returned to the hotel, and it looks like X17 is just saying it must not have happened until early in the morning according to their spies:

It seems like hotels are bad news for young celebrities like Simpson and Lohan. They make the decision to party at high-profile clubs and stay in hotels, and everything they do becomes public. Of course that’s where all the action is, but if they hook up with someone it’s quickly going to become gossip news.

TMZ reports that John Mayer struck out at the Four Seasons bar when hitting on an attractive member of the opposite sex. Jessica Simpson showed up, and Mayer promptly turned on the emo charm for her. Despite being treated like shit by Mayer in the past and in the public press, Jessica took the elevator up with him - presumably to his room.

What they did up there is anyone’s guess, but Lainey’s Gossip claims that Mayer has a proclivity for certain kinky sexual practices that Jessica must be tolerant of.

Poor Jessica must have rock-bottom self esteem to be hooking up with that jerk again.

Jessica Simpson header image from SweetKisses.net. John Mayer Perez Hilton parody image from John Mayer’s blog.

I realize that overpriced black nail polish is all the rage now, but Halloween is still a month away, and the corpse makeup is doing nothing for Jessica Simpson’s image. Do you guys like this look? I’m thinking it would be pretty if it wasn’t so overdone - like not so much eyeshadow rimming the eyes and bleeding into the corner, use a darker lip color and don’t extend the lipliner beyond the natural line.

This is the second time Jessica has been out with such spooky makeup. She was seen at her sister Ashlee’s “Chicago” opening looking positively ghostly. In that case, though, she had a bizarre orange shade on ther eyes and cheeks that looked even worse than this.

I caught some probably-deserved heat for criticizing Simpson’s look when she donned big ‘ol boots paired with jeans, a huge matching purse and white polo shirt, so I’m leaving this one up to you guys.

Jessica was seen at her hairdresser Ken Pave’s salon opening in Beverly Hills on 9/29. [via] Eva Longoria and Carmen Electra were also there, and as Mollygood points out, all three of them were involved in high-profile breakups lately. Guess a girl can always turn to her opportunistic hairdresser for a little pampering and a pick-me-up. He makes you feel better even if he doesn’t do you any beauty favors. Jessica’s hair usually looks good, (that orange ‘do being the exception) even if her makeup is a bit off, and it’s not fair to blame Paves for her poor eyeshadow choices.

Ken Pave’s new line of hair extensions are being offered on the Home Shopping Network [via] For about $90, you can get a mountain of fake hair that might look good in a photoshoot, but is sure to be as obvious as the Tony Pony in person.

I didn’t report on this yesterday because it sounds like the British newspapers are trying to stir up controversy about the Simpson family (not that they don’t create enough of it on their own), but Jessica is said to be grumpy and distraught at being in Ashlee’s shadow for once. She supposedly was in a mood at Ashlee’s “Chicago” opening after-party, said she didn’t want to be there and left in a huff. There was a quote from Joe Simpson in the ever-reliable Mirror that is particularly suspect.

Then the poor girl had a stomach problem and had to postpone a commercial shoot. I would say it’s in poor taste to discuss a celebrity’s, uh movements that way, but Jessica gleefully told everyone watching her reality show that she was going to drop her kids off at the pool, so she kind of deserves the scrutiny:

This sounds like an exaggeration. She probably feels a bit down because her ex has moved on and her sister is in the spotlight, but whether she actually left Ashlee’s party or not and what the circumstances were is hard to tell.

Oh, and The New York Post has redesigned. It’s prettier, but the usability is shitty and overall I think it’s a mess. Too many graphics and colors compete for your attention. They also ripped off Gawker’s Stalker maps.

Here is Jessica out at Mr. Chow in London on Tuesday night. She seems to realize that her dress is see through and tries to cover up with her big purse.

Thanks to SweetKisses.net for these pictures.

Ashlee Simpson had her first performace as Roxie Hart in the “Chicago” musical in London’s West End last night. Celeb-friendly Hello! magazine says it was top notch and that Ashlee delivered the goods in a live performance after getting busted lip synching just last year:

Since undergoing plastic surgery following her Marie Claire interview telling girls to accept their flaws, Ashlee has successfully reinvented herself. Big sister Jessica is in a bit of a slump with poor fashion choices and a high-profile divorce. Maybe Jessica she should get some advice from Ashlee on how to enjoy single life.

Meanwhile the Simpson sister’s controlling father/manager, Joe, is angering the co-producer of a new movie set to star Jessica, “Blonde Ambition.” “Malcolm in the Middle” star Justin Berfield is said to be annoyed with Simpson’s controlling ways, which may threaten the future of the film.

Here is Ashlee after her performance last night. [via]

Joe Simpson is well know for talking about his daughters Jessica and Ashlee’s breasts, controlling their careers, and generally acting weird and incestual. Radar Online revealed that he’s now become the ultimate creepy controlling dad-manager by taking pictures of Jessica and Ashlee at events and selling them through an exclusive agreement with a photo agency. What’s more, he’s even taken psuedo-paparrazi shots of Jessica and Ashlee on vacation:

I don’t like Wireimage because unlike x17 and Splashnews, they don’t even allow bloggers to post watermarked images. Bitches sent me a cease and desist letter after I paid $10 a month to use their pictures and properly credited them every time. (It’s called the Internet, people, figure out a way to make it work to your advantage. Don’t be like the RIAA or you will alienate people and hurt your business.) It doesn’t surprise me that they would cut a deal with Simpson.

Jessica dismissed her dad in a verbal slip during her interview on “The View” two weeks ago. She said, “My mom does the whole clothing line with me. My dad just tries to control me and my sister… that was the wrong choice of words. Oops, sorry dad! I love you!”

It’s clear that no one really knows the extent to which Joe tries to control his daughters, and that must be paying off for him. He seems to be using every trick he can think of to milk them for every cent.

Jessica Simpson’s new line of boots is god-awful. She doesn’t make it any better by dressing like this when she goes out. Maybe these big tan monstrosities would look ok with a short skirt and some boho jewelry, but when paired with tight jeans, a white polo top, and a baseball cap over messy hair you can see just how ugly they are.

Hollywood Tuna says there’s no question that Ashlee is the hotter sister now, and unfortunately we have to agree. Get your act together, Jess, hit the gym and get a new stylist. Don’t talk to Rachel Zoe, though, she’ll just make you into a pencil thin clone.

In related news, Nick Lachey says he’s not sure why his nearly 4-year marriage with Jessica ended, and gives a diplomatic answer when questioned:

That’s quite classy of him. In my opinion, Jessica was just too immature to handle the ups and downs of a long term committed relationship.

Here is Jessica out shopping for groceries on 9/13. [via]

Update: You guys are right, I shouldn’t have told Simpson to “hit the gym,” it was an offhand comment and she is in no way fat. I still am not fond of her style, though.

Jessica Simpson committed one of the cardinal sins of dating - she admitted that she wants a boyfriend and needs someone in her life desperately.

It really does scare men away when you need them in the beginning stages of a relationship. You’re supposed to act busy, see your friends, and play hard to get. Make men work for it and they’ll come after you. Some people think “if he doesn’t like me the way I am, he’s not good enough for me,” but who wants to be with a whiny, needy person? Men like women who have fulfilling lives. Jessica’s is just going down the tubes.

Glamour magazine made a god-awful composite of Jessica’s “perfect man” using parts from different famous guys. She said he should have “Derek Jeter’s focus,” “Brad Pitt’s beauty,” and “Eminem’s openness.” At least she has a goal.

Jessica may not have a beau, but there’s one guy who’s always there for her, hairdresser Ken Paves. It’s easy to see why his name is Ken because he looks just like the androgynous doll of the same name, and Jessica is the Barbie in these pictures. (Thanks to JJB commentors for pointing out that these two look like dolls.)

Here is video of Jessica on Ellen:

And here she is in Glamour magazine and with Ken Paves: [via]

Both TMZ and RadarOnline claim to have the exclusive that Jessica Simpson’s publicist got axed for trying to make a mountain out of makeout session. Rob Shuter, Jessica and Ashlee’s publicist, got fired for spreading the fake news that Jessica and John Mayer were a major item just in time for the release of her latest album:

For his part, Mayer is doing his best to distance himself from the whole non-affair. He is said to have called Jessica “desperate.” He also gave a bizarre interview to Rolling Stone, in which he got high in front of the reporter, said he’d like to see a couple have sex in person, and called his penis “Dominican” because it had such a great batting record.

Marcus Schenkenberg, considered the world’s first male supermodel, is smoking hot and very laid back. If you caught season 4 of The Surreal Life, where Adrianne Curry chased Chris Knight and eventually caught him, Da Brat told Jane Weidlin she was a has-been, Chyna got wasted and stayed up all night, and “mini me” Verne Troyer groped women and peed in the corner, you would know that Marcus is pretty much a stand-up guy who seems rather boring in comparison to those characters.

He’s 39 years old but looks about 28, and is in top physical form. Swedish Marcus once went out with Pamela Anderson and was said to be dating his Surreal Life co-star Chyna early last year, but that was probably a fling. It speaks volumes about his lack of taste in the opposite sex, though, and now he’s supposedly with Jessica Simpson:

Jessica has flirted with a lot of guys out at clubs, and there was a rumor she was with Jared Leto after she hung all over him at a club in early June, so it’s possible nothing will come of this. They would make a cute couple, though, and it would be nice to see Jessica get some style and self esteem back. It would probably be better if she did it on her own, though.

Thanks to I’m Not Obsessed for these pics of hottie Marcus. Jessica is shown out to dinner with her bodyguard on 9/6. [via]