Oh, Lord. Allure finally put their Jessica Simpson slideshow online (alas, the full interview is still pending), so we have even more Jessica goodness to share today. Now that I’m looking at the full slideshow, I have to say that I enjoy the styling for this photoshoot a lot. In many of the photos, they’ve got Jessica doing this beachy Gidget-meets-Barbarella thing, and Jessica looks adorable. Of course, it’s Jessica, so they have to screw it up a little – there a few photos of her trying to be vampy, and just looking dumb. Poor Jess. Here are some more highlights from the interview, including Jessica’s musings on “America’s weight obsession” and how she knows that she’ll marry “an artistic man.”

Jessica Simpson wore a gray T-shirt, J Brand jeans, and Yves Saint Laurent boots to the shoot. Between takes, she slipped into sandals that she had brought with her, from her latest shoe collection. “I prefer heels to flats any day,” the singer said of the sky-high nude wedges. Here, she poses for Norman Jean Roy in a Fendi dress

For her new VH1 show, Jessica Simpson’s The Price of Beauty (which premieres at 10 P.M. EDT on March 15), Simpson traveled to seven foreign countries to explore different concepts of beauty. “When I think of America, it’s very diverse, but we do have the cookie-cutter way we’re supposed to look, and going to all these countries, it’s so completely different. I was fascinated going on that journey to discover that, even just for myself. In a lot of Asian cultures, the whiter you are, the more beautiful you are—and what I’m so used to is ‘The tanner you are, the thinner you look, the skinnier you feel,” said Simpson.

Simpson was game for the toned-down look the Allure team had in mind for her. “After learning what beauty means to different women around the world, we wanted to celebrate Jessica’s individual beauty,” said her hairstylist Ken Paves, who also appears on Jessica Simpson’s The Price of Beauty.

Simpson is aware of the strengths of her goofy persona. “I’m vulnerable in any moment,” says Simpson. “I don’t care if the cameras are on or not, you’re going to get the real me. There’s no reason to mask that, because that’s what has given me the chance to be in a powerful position.”

America’s weight obsession is, as Simpson puts it, “disgusting. My job is to be creative,” she says. “And I’m not weighing in for anybody.”

Although she received a lackluster response to her two most recent acting efforts, Employee of the Month and Blonde Ambition, Simpson hardly counts herself out of the movie business. “I already have a whole other world of business out there,” she says, referring to her apparel, accessories, and fragrance lines, “so acting for me will be very, very selective from here on out. But I will never do nudity,” she insists. “I don’t care how dark and intellectual the role could be, you know? I don’t care if I frickin’ get an Oscar for it, I’m not going to do it. Those accolades mean nothing to me….I don’t think people deserve to see what’s underneath my clothing. That’s only for my next husband—ha ha ha!”

When she discusses her next potential partner, Simpson, who is rumored to be dating former Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan says, “I definitely will marry an artistic man. It will show you the colors of my character, the person that I fall in love with next. I don’t even have a type! I don’t have a physical type. I have an emotional type. When you have yourself together, I don’t care what you look like at all. You can be tall; you can be short.”

What’s next for Simpson? “The performer is what people saw in me in the beginning. It would be nice to reintroduce myself as that,” she says. But she’s determined to make something clear: She’s the one calling the shots. “I am hands-on with my life. I direct my life,” she says. “I didn’t realize that until this year, when people were trying to take that away from me. I’m still here, and I have a comment. I always have a comment.”

[From Allure]

I actually believe Jessica when she says she doesn’t care what the guy looks like. Sure, she’d probably prefer a cute guy, but I really do think she knows herself well enough that she’s looking for someone to love, who is going to love her for who she is too. She’s done with beefcake. She wants someone who takes her seriously, I think. Is that Billy Corgan? I have no idea. But I’d like to see her with someone whose going to treat her with respect. You know who would be good for her? Jake Gyllenhaal. I’m serious, y’all. He loves blondes, so let’s give him the biggest (and I mean that personality-wise) blonde there is! Jessica Gyllenhaal. It could work!

Allure photos by Norman Jean Roy, courtesy of Allure online.

Last week we had a preview of Jessica Simpson’s farty Allure cover, but we didn’t have any interview excerpts or anything beyond the cover. Now we do! Allure still hasn’t put anything on their website, but Pop Sugar had two additional photos of Jess (I love the above photo), plus some of the highlights from the interview. From what I can see, Jessica seems okay. She’s still not the brightest bulb, but she seems to have an okay sense of humor about things, with a couple of exceptions. She talks about still being friendly with Tony Romo (fine) and what it’s like to be constantly perceived as “fat” (which she isn’t). But two things caught my eye:

On going brunette while dating John Mayer: “He didn’t make me go brunette! John doesn’t get credit for making me brunette. He’d like to think so, but he doesn’t deserve the credit.”

On turning 30: “I never really thought, growing up, what am I gonna be like when I’m 30? I just kind of thought I had it figured out: I’m going to be this great pop star, have my songs on the radio, be married, and have babies. . . But things can be taken away from you. A song can not be played on the radio. An album can not work.”

On Tony Romo: “I’m still a fan. I’m a huge fan. I wear my gear, and I cheer Tony on. You know, I talked to Tony today. None of my breakups, none of it’s been bitter.”

On life after her mom-jeans photo: “When I walk through an airport and people go, ‘You’re not fat!’ I’m like, ‘Thanks. That’s great. Good to know I’m not fat today! Thank you!’”

On acting: “I will never do nudity . . . I don’t care if I frickin’ could get an Oscar for it, I’m not going to do it. Those accolades mean nothing to me. I don’t think people deserve to see what’s under my clothing. That’s only for my next husband—ha-ha-ha.”

[From Pop Sugar]

Okay, the whole “But things can be taken away from you. A song can not be played on the radio. An album can not work” stuff is a little passive, right? Like Jessica isn’t really acknowledging her part in the whole “this doesn’t work” thing? It sounds like Jessica thinks someone is out to damage her music career, when really, her music was never very good. The other thing that struck me was the “I don’t care if I get an Oscar for nudity, I’m not doing it” thing. Uh… are there Hollywood producers out there bringing Jessica scripts, saying “Please do this, you’ll win the Oscar, you just have to show your t-ts!” Really, Jess? I know, I know. I get what she was trying to say, but I got a Jessica Biel vibe from it.

Look, Allure even put Jessica in Daisy Dukes:

Allure cover and additional photos courtesy of Pop Sugar.

CB hates when I use acronyms, but OMFG. This interview excerpt (via Us Weekly) of John Mayer’s sit-down with Playboy is f-cking epic. This douchebag… well, there is not one single bone of him that is any way discreet. Mayer talks about how the sex with Jessica Simpson was “crazy” and “like sexual napalm” it was so good. Which, I gues we know now that Mayer is a boob man, right? I mean, when he’s not thinking about boys.

Mayer also discussed Jennifer Aniston, at first complimenting her, saying “That woman was the most communicative, sweetest, kindest person.” But then Mayer says something that I think might actually be right on the money. He’s talking about whether his Twittering broke them up, and while he denies that his excessive tweets played a role, he says “The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she’s still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, ‘These are the new rules.’”

John Mayer is kissing and telling — again.

UsMagazine.com has an exclusive peek at Playboy’s March issue, where the singer, 32, dishes on everything from his past relationships with Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston to his dream mate.

He dubs 29-year-old Simpson (whom he dated from 2006 to 2007) “a drug.”

“And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them,” he says, adding, “Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me.”

“Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say,” he continues. “It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just f*****’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f*** you, I would start selling all my s*** just to keep f****** you.’”

He didn’t share bedroom details about Aniston, who turns 41 Thursday. But he denied reports that he penned the tune “Heartbreak Warrior” about her. “That woman would never use heartbreak warfare,” he tells Playboy. “That woman was the most communicative, sweetest, kindest person.”

He also denied that Twitter obsession led to their split last year.

“There was a rumor that I’d been dumped because I was tweeting too much,” he says. “That wasn’t it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she’s still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, ‘These are the new rules.’”

Oh, and how many women has he bedded since their break-up?

“I’m going to say four or five. No more,” he tells Playboy. “But even if I said 12, that’s a reasonable number. So is 15. Here’s the thing: I get less a** now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don’t like jumping through hoops.”

These says, he says he is hesitant to settle down.

“I hate being the heartbreaker. Hate it,” he says. “If I date somebody and it doesn’t work out, it’s another nightmare for me.”

Of course, any interview with Mayer would not be complete without an Us Weekly reference.

Asked about his future, he says, “From now on I’m just going to pretend that people really dig the s*** out of me. I’ve been trying to prove to people I’m not a douche bag by not dating, by keeping my name out of Us Weekly. That’s f***** up, man. I’m not dating. I’m not even f******. So now I’m going to experiment with ‘f*** you.’ In 2010 my goal is to get more mentions in Us Weekly than ever.”

You’re off to a good start, John!

[From Us Weekly]

Ugh. “I get less ass now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don’t like jumping through hoops.” Shut your douche mouth, jackass. You don’t like jumping through hoops? So, you mean, the ass is falling from the sky? You mean you might actually have to work for it a little? You mean you can’t just point to some girl and say “I’m going to get you pregnant”? F-cking misogynistic psychopath.

Mayer and Jennifer Aniston at the 2009 Oscars & Mayer in London on January 18, 2010. Credit: WENN.

Here is the cover shot for Jessica Simpson’s cover of Allure Magazine, the March issue. What do you think? I wish they had chosen a photo of Jessica with her mouth closed. When Jessica’s mouth is open, she looks… not bright. Like she’s about to fart on someone. The hair looks good, though, and the makeup is alright.

Jessica is on the cover because she’s gearing up to promote her VH1 show, The Price of Beauty. The show premieres on March 14, and throughout the series, we will see Jessica in Japan, Thailand, France, Brazil, Uganda, Morocco and India with best friend/stylist Ken Paves.

That’s about all. Allure hasn’t released any additional images from the photo shoot or any interview excerpts, unfortunately. But I am looking forward to Jessica’s press tour! You know she’s going to screw up somehow, she’s like Calamity Jane in high-waisted jeans. But in one other piece of Jessica-related news, her dad crashed Nick Lachey’s Super Bowl party in Miami on Friday. Apparently, Joe crashed the party and told people Nick “didn’t know” he was there. Apparently, they barely spoke, but they did acknowledge each other. And Joe is an ass.

Allure cover courtesy of CoverAwards.

Jessica Simpson farts. In public. That’s the gist of this Us Weekly article that was labeled “Exclusive!” And now I can’t stop giggling, because I can just imagine a further headline: “Breaking: Wind”. Anyway, this OH MY GOD FART happened during a business meeting between Jessica, her mom and the company who is going to be helping Jessica with her denim line. When The Fart That Broke happened, Tina Simpson turned and yelled “Jessica!” Which sounds like Tina was trying to push the blame, right? Anyway, “the tension was extreme.” Tension makes me gassy too.

Let’s end this meeting on a high note!

A source tells Us Weekly that Jessica Simpson had a, ahem, windy moment during a business meeting for her denim line in late January. “While one of the executives was speaking in a room full of five people, Jessica let out a very loud fart,” says the insider.

“Her mother [Tina Simpson] was there, and it prompted her to turn around and yell, ‘Jessica!’ The tension was extreme. No one knew what to say.”

It wasn’t Simpson’s first brush with public flatulence: She famously cut loose on an episode of Newlyweds, telling then-husband Nick Lachey, “You love my stinky ass,” and professed her fondness for between-the-sheets poots (a.k.a. Dutch ovens) to a radio station in 2008.

Maybe someone told Gerard Butler about her gassy fascination! When the actor, 40, with whom she shared a flirty dinner in October, joined her group at West Hollywood’s Boa Steakhouse January 23, he steered clear. “They didn’t sit next to each other,” notes an employee. “She seemed to be nervous around him.”

[From Us Weekly]

Ah, yeah, I don’t think Gerard gives a rat’s ass about Jessica farting. He probably likes girls who could conceivably enter a farting competition. For money. But I also found this line hilarious: “They didn’t sit next to each other.” The subtext seems to be “… because Jessica was afraid she was going to fart on Gerard.” Or: “… because Jessica ordered chili.”

Jessica Simpson looking gassy at an LA premiere on January 19, 2010. Also, Jessica being farty on January 13, 2010. Credit: Fame and MIV/Fame.

Back in October, it was reported by Page Six that Gerard Butler and Jessica Simpson went on a date in New York. I kind of believed the report, although I didn’t really think it was anything serious. Because it never seems to be serious with Gerard, and although I like Jessica and think she’s a very pretty girl, I know she’s not going to be the one to “change” Gerard. That report also included the small detail that they were not alone for their “date”.

Well, Jessica finally got her call-back, and ended up on a second “date” with Gerard Saturday night. This date also included other people, and from the looks of it, they aren’t serious enough to walk out of the restaurant together, because the photographs came out separately. My guess for the other people at the date? Ken Paves, of course. God knows, he’s probably the one with a crush on Gerard.

Fame Pictures makes several notes, first of which is: “Gerard Butler joined Jessica Simpson and some friends at Boa Steakhouse in Santa Monica, CA for a late night bite to eat on January 23, 2010. Gerard has been linked to many of Hollywood’s lovely ladies in recent history. Could Jessica be his latest hook up?” The second note was that Jessica left the steakhouse “arm in arm with a pal”.

Now, judging solely from the photos post-dinner, I’m going to make three points: first, Gerard is trying to hit that. Jessica’s not usually his type, but he must be a boob man, and he has no shame. Second point: Jessica looks totally drunk as she’s leaving, so my guess is that she begged Paves to hang out and be the designated driver so she wouldn’t end up on her back at the Casa de Butler. Third point: this might be one of the worst outfits Jessica has ever worn. So she’s definitely trying to discourage whatever advances Gerard is making. She needs to burn those pants in a soul-cleansing fire.

Gerard and Jessica leaving Boa separately on January 23, 2010. Credit: WIC/Fame Pictures.

Here is Jessica Simpson at the Los Angeles premiere of Extraordinary Measures, that film starring Harrison Ford and Brendan Frasier (that looks crappy). Jessica was trying out a new look, and of course, she’s been criticized for it. While HuffPo just dubs this Jessica’s “sexy secretary” look, the NY Post mocks her turtleneck (“the wrong kind of animal to be embracing”) and her “poorly supported boobs” in a “maternity bra”. What’s with all the hate for big boobs lately? Anyway, while I don’t think Jessica looks amazing here, she doesn’t look awful either. Meanwhile, Showbiz Spy notes that since the current rumor is about Jess and Billy Corgan being “just friends”, Jessica’s night out was “lonely”. Here’s more about the Corgan situation:

Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan are hooking up . . . in the studio, that is.

The 29-year old songstress and the Smashing Pumpkins front man are collaborating on some new material, according to EOnline.com.

Just yesterday Simpson tweeted, “I am blessed . . . going over a song w @billy and the boxer.”

Rumors of a romance between Simpson and Corgan, 42, began to surface when a photographer snapped a picture of the pair out together in New York City.

“She has fallen hard and is smitten,” a source told E! News at the time.

If there are any juicy details, Simpson and Corgan are keeping them to themselves, as both their reps have refused to comment.

[From The New York Daily News]

Eh. Of course since it’s Jessica, I do tend to think it was Billy who pulled the plug on their romance, allegedly on all counts. But Jessica doesn’t look distressed or anything, and I actually think she looks fine here. Okay, okay, she’s a hot mess, and the turtleneck is too see-through and the jacket is too boxy, and the leggings are crap, but the look is kind of sexy. I like her hair like that, even though it ages her a bit.

In one bright spot for Jessica, she just inked a deal with Jones New York for a denim collection! Jessica’s clothing lines really are the best thing she’s got going, so it’s good to see concentrating on that stuff.

Here’s Jessica Simpson out last night in Los Angeles after having dinner with friends. Yes, those are her breasts, and yes, they are jacked to her chin. Now, as I’ve mentioned before, I have big boobs. They’re about Jessica’s size, and they are more trouble then they’re worth. I’m sure this dress would look really cute on someone with a smaller chest. But with Jessica’s rack – and she’s obviously wearing some kind of push-up something under there – the whole ensemble makes her look trashy. That’s the thing about big boobs – you can go from classy to hooker-wear with about an inch less of fabric.

So, that was what I thought of the ensemble and Jessica’s oft-discussed rack. It’s not her, it’s the dress, basically. Or, “Jessica needs to learn how to cover the girls better.” But some people just like to pick on Jessica. And Us Weekly is there to compile it all:

Once again, Jessica Simpson’s body has become the butt of Internet jokes. On Wednesday, she went out to eat — and bloggers couldn’t help but notice her chest.

TMZ.com said the “former singer … looked really stuffed” at the organic restaurant, adding that “Jess knows natural free-range breasts are much better for you than ones pumped full of preservatives.”

JustJared cracked that she put her “breast foot forward” during the outing.

Celeb gossip site bild — which said Simpson was rocking “one serious cleavage” — joked that she had a “XXL” bust size.

X17 also noticed that Simpson’s “boobs looked even more bodacious than usual” and speculated that the singer was either “wearing a wonderbra or “gained a few pounds (all in her boobs).”

Simpson probably isn’t amused by the chatter.

In October – after a Fox NFL Sunday spoof mocked her weight by saying she’d make a good “defensive tackle” – she Twittered: “I will never understand why people attack for a laugh.”

[From Us Weekly]

I just looked at Jessica’s Twitter page, and she hasn’t said anything about the criticism/comments. Yet. But I did find this hilarious tweet that kind of made me fall in love with Jessica: “Dear elderly man at the gym: its hard 4 me 2 keep composure whilst punching at chipmunk speed when ur ball sack spills out of ur wind shorts.” I’m still giggling at that one, honestly. The “chipmunk speed” reference is about Jessica’s new workout – boxing. She recently tweeted: “Boxing has changed my life! I have so much energy and it has cured my insomnia. Although I don’t think I can get out of bed I’m SO sore.” So, Jessica is happy and she’s got a new workout and she’s probably in love with Billy Corgan. So maybe that’s why she pushed her boobs out?

Jessica also tweeted about her shoes, which are from her own clothing-and-shoe collection. I think they’re ugly, but here’s a close-up of them from Jess’s twit-pic:

Jessica Simpson in LA on January 13, 2010. Credit: GHOST/Fame Pictures. Above twit-pic from Jessica’s Twitter.

God help us all. Lovers Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan are in the studio together, making “sweet music”. You thought I was going to write “making sweet love” didn’t you? I’m sure they’re doing that too. Just not in the studio. In a bed, missionary style, because that’s the way Papa Joe always said God wanted it. Anyway, Jessica tweeted about the “session” (musical, not love-making) and even put up two photos featuring none other than her lover Billy. Oh, Jessica’s expressions in these photos is killing me. Poor Jessica. Why do I even say that anymore. Just take it as a given that no matter what, I’m thinking “poor Jessica.”

Whether Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan are an item, one thing is for sure: the two are committed to making sweet music together.

Tuesday night Simpson was clearly on cloud nine about holing up in the studio with the Smashing Pumpkins front man. She wasn’t shy about sharing her enthusiasm with the internet world, tweeting updates and photos from their session together.

“He braids my prayers,” mused an over-the-moon Simpson about working with Corgan. In one snapshot, she looks on in awe as he strums in the guitar.

Despite her seeming infatuation with and admiration for Corgan, Simpson also set aside some Twitter space for former flame Tony Romo.

“I have always believed in the ‘BOYS!!! ALWAYS!” she wrote about his recent football victories, even posting an accompanying photo of her in a Dallas Cowboys jersey.

Hmm, maybe she is keeping her options open!

[From Radar Online]

So, it’s looking like Billy Corgan is going to be around for a little while. He likes her enough to help her with her music career, bless his heart. Maybe he really is “caught up in her mystique”. Or maybe he just like big boobs and blonde hair. A little from column A, a little from column B. And even though they seem like a really weird couple to me, maybe they really care for each other…? Oh, poor Jessica.

All photos courtesy of Jessica’s Twitter, some credited to Kristen Burns.

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Jessica Simpson posted a bizarre video to Twitter yesterday that featured her getting one of her ears candled while being videotaped and mildly taunted by her best friend, hairdresser Ken Paves. Ear candling involves sticking a conical wax tube in your ear, available at many health food stores, and lighting it on fire. People claim that the heat and smoke suck the wax out of the ear, but the practice has never been proven effective and can be dangerous. As you can see from the video above, there’s a high chance of the rapidly burning candle falling on a bed or your hair.

You’re supposed to have a friend watching you at all times to trim the candle tip down periodically. You’re also supposed to use a disposable pie tin so that if the tip falls it’s onto a non-flammable surface. A pie tin also offers a little more coverage with sides and a deeper base. Simpson used a pizza box cut in a circle which can probably catch on fire and would just send the burning candle bits off to her neck or the top of her head. It seems to have worked out ok for her or she would have Tweeted that her hair caught on fire. Don’t try this at home, though!

I tried ear candling in college. I used a pie tin underneath as the ear candling package recommended, and my friend Mona was watching me. The burning candle tip still fell on my head and burned out a large chunk of the side of my hair. I was mortified! My hairdresser, also named Ken, was upset by the damage and had to do some creative work to cover it up. I wish my Ken could have been there to make sure the damage never happened in the first place. He wouldn’t have stood by and laughed while my hair was in peril!