Yesterday, I was reading the print editions of OK! Magazine and Us Weekly, and I noticed that the editors of both tabloids had done stories on Jessica Simpson’s neverending TMI. Both stories were basically just an assortment of quotes from the past month, and seeing it all laid out like that made me realize that it’s just going to get worse after she has the baby. We’ll be hearing about baby poop and epidurals for MONTHS. Prepare yourselves. When she starts talking about the delivery, I’m going to step aside and let CB and Bedhead handle it, because if I try to write about it, I’ll vom.

So Us Weekly has yet another piece about Jessica, but this time it’s just based on what people overheard Jess say. This girl can talk, and she’s telling everybody her business. Including something about how she’s not due for another month? THE HELL?

Jessica Simpson is hitting the home stretch of her pregnancy — and the fashionista is making drastic sacrifices indeed to stay relatively comfortable.

“Only one month to go!” the Fashion Star mentor, 31, was overheard telling a fellow shopper at Fred Segal’s in Santa Monica Tuesday, where she and a pal spent the afternoon. “I can’t wear heels anymore,” lamented the star, clad in a black maxi dress and flip flops. “I tried but it was too hard. Wearing heels is like a religion to me, so it’s tough!”

That means that Simpson (engaged to her daughter-to-be’s father, Eric Johnson) will have to amend her child labor plan. Back in November, the style mogul joked to Us Weekly: “I’m probably going to deliver my baby in [4-inch YSL heels]. . .I went to the doctor yesterday and he said, ‘You’re gonna need to get out of those heels!”

During her Wednesday excursion at Fred Segal, the heavily pregnant star was already plotting her post-pregnancy body goal, eyeing a slim pair of Elliot jeans as she blew big bubbles with her gum.

Cheerful if seemingly exhausted, she chugged Fiji water as she shopped — and while she couldn’t buy clothes for herself, she picked up some togs for her little girl at the Ron Robinson store. Simpson snapped up bloomers, shirts from Le Petit Bateau and a polka dot dress.

“It’s like carrying a bowling ball!” Simpson was overheard saying of her belly. “Almost done!”

[From Us Weekly]

Remember when everyone was like, “Oh, she’s due in March!” And then Jessica said she was due in a “few weeks” in mid-March, and everyone was like, “Oh, early April!” And now it sounds like she might have one more month to go? She’s been so big for so long now. Poor Jess. If I was her, I would be spending a crazy amount of money on my delivery too.

Photos courtesy of ELLE, Fame/Flynet.

Poor Jessica. After some bad information, she seems to be due within the next few weeks, right? Like… mid-April. Hopefully. And whenever her water breaks… prepare yourself. The Flood Cometh. Anyway, In Touch Weekly is all about random details of Jessica’s life and pregnancy. In Touch claimed that Jessica was totally naming her 10-pound baby girl “Maxwell” (or Maxi) – just because Jessica might be monogramming stuff with “M”. Which I’m still saying stands for “Margarita Tequila Johnson”. RIGHT?

A few months ago, In Touch also claimed that had already booked a fancy $2800 suite at Cedars-Sinai (in LA) for her delivery (possible C-section?). CB thought $2800 for a delivery suite sounded pretty reasonable… but that was before In Touch modified their claims. Now it seems like Jessica might be spending major dough for her delivery. This junk just got all Beyonce!

Jessica Simpson isn’t the only nervous new mom who wants to pamper herself on delivery day. But the 31-year-old’s bank-busting birthing plans have even her closest friends shaking their heads in disbelief. When it comes to Jessica’s comfort — and her baby’s — money’s no object: She’s planning on spending almost $2 million! Of course, given that Jessica hopes to sell the first shots of Maxi for as much as $4 million, she’ll recoup her investment.

Like Beyoncé before her, Jessica has rented out an entire wing of the hospital (approximately $500,000 in cost) so that she can give birth in private. “She’s turning the maternity ward into Fort Knox,” the pal says. “If her friends and family want to visit her, they’ll have to make it through numerous checkpoints!”

And she’s not about to rely on hospital security to keep her baby safe: Jessica plans to hire 30 armed guards to protect Maxi 24/7, a cost estimated to be around $1,318,500.

“She’s terrified of kidnapping,” the pal explains. “Her head of security just held a pre-birth meeting for her family to brief them on the rules!”

She also recently bragged that her baby will only fly private, and Maxwell has a $14,500 crib waiting for her. Not only that, but Jessica hired a look-alike to distract paparazzi on the big day — bringing her grand delivery total to $2 million!

[From In Touch Weekly, Hollywood Life]

I think this is mostly BS. I’d bet that Jessica is spending more than $2800 on a hospital suite, but $2 million for added security and a whole wing? Please. Jessica is NOT Beyonce. And she’s not trying to Hide The Pillow either. Jessica wants to be pampered and taken care of, for sure. But I doubt she’s a Beyonce-level extremist about it.

Photos courtesy of Elle, Fame/Flynet and Pacific Coast News.

Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor hail will keep Jessica Simpson from a BBQ. These are photos of Jessica leaving the Boneyard Bistro (a BBQ place) yesterday with her fiancé, Eric Johnson. Yes, she’s still mega-preg. Yes, she’s still eating everything that isn’t nailed down. Yes, she looks so pregnant that I am experiencing a wave of discomfort on her behalf. She’s due soon. Ish. Like, the next three weeks or so. Poor Jess.

By the way, did you hear that she sold the photos of her baby shower to People Magazine and Hello Mag? You can see one of the pics here. I don’t really get why we needed to know about her Charlotte’s Web-themed baby shower, but here you go:

Heavily pregnant American reality TV star and singer Jessica Simpson admits she can’t wait to finally give birth. As excited as she is to meet her unborn daughter, due next month, she is more than ready to reclaim her body, too.

“I feel like I could pop at any second,” the Fashion Star mentor tells this week’s HELLO! magazine, revealing she has gained 40lbs – and counting!

“I had a great pregnancy. Eating and not having to worry too much about it has been fun. Taking a break from working out has definitely been fun. But I’m ready for it to be over. I’m ready to have my body back!”

Jessica, 31, celebrated the last phase of her pregnancy by throwing a lavish Hollywood baby shower inspired by her favourite children’s book, Charlotte’s Web by E.B. White.

Guests included her actress sister Ashlee, who came with her three-year-old son Bronx, and actress Jessica Alba, who brought along her seven-month-old daughter Haven. They took part in shower games, such as guess the size of Jessica’s belly, and knitting lessons.

Jessica, who stars alongside Elle Macpherson on the popular new NBC reality show, enjoyed opening all her gifts with her fiancé, former NFL player Eric Johnson, 32.

“Eric is going to be an unbelievable dad,” she says. “I can’t wait to see if he can master ponytails and braids!”

[From Hello Magazine]

Here’s an honest question: do you think Jessica will get pregnant again after this baby? I’m surprised by how little complaining she’s done, but I would imagine that after the baby is born, we’ll hear every last little detail about how difficult the pregnancy and the birth was on her. I don’t know, though – Jessica could surprise us. Maybe she’ll just keep having dem babies.

Oh, and we don’t have access to these photos, but check out Jessica in a giant green muumuu. Some passive-aggressive bitch made Mega-Preg be a bridesmaid!! That’s some Mean Girl junk right there.

Photos courtesy of Pacific Coast News.

When I first read Jessica Simpson’s quote about her amniotic fluid, I swear I actually dry-heaved. Dear God… is she trying to be the grossest woman alive? Is that her thing? Because she might achieve it. Like, I don’t mind that she talks about burping and farting. Whatever, it’s kind of gross and silly, but I get that Jessica is all about burping and farting. Then she upped the ante with the confession that she rarely brushes her teeth – gross. Since we’re now faced with Preggo Jess, the TMI has just gotten overkill. While I found her “Swamp Ass” sweating story kind of charming, she quickly killed the charm by suffocating it with her enormous breasts. She started talking about her pregnant sex life and what it’s going to be like for her in the delivery room… I just can’t. If you have a weak stomach or a strong psychological gag reflex, don’t read this story:

Though her extra large baby bump may indicate otherwise, Jessica Simpson still has about four weeks to go before she gives birth.

Appearing on Jimmy Kimmel LIVE! Monday, the pregnant 31-year-old said she’s growing tired of her pregnancy curves. “I feel I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoohah!”

Simpson laughed. “Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks it will be like a fire hydrant!”

Simpson isn’t nervous about going into labor, though. “I’m ready to push!” she told host Jimmy Kimmel, 44.

Though Simpson and fiance Eric Johnson, 32, have temporarily put wedding plans on hold, the former NFL player “feels like my husband already,” the singer said. “We are just doing it a little bit backwards.”

The Fashion Star mentor appeared on the talk show just one day after her star-studded baby shower. “It was a Charlotte’s Web thing. We had a whole fair,” the Texas native said. “We had fried Oreos!”

Guests included mom Tina, sister Ashlee, and actresses Jessica Alba and Odette Annable. “Jessica received tons of gifts mostly wrapped in pink gift wrap and boxes,” a source tells Us Weekly. “There were several books, stuffed toys and clothes among other items.”

[From Us Weekly]

And she’s not even due for another four weeks or so. GAH! It was the amniotic thing that gave my stomach a turn this morning, but Bedhead was more disturbed by the reference to fried Oreos. Which, granted, sound disgusting too. I don’t want to get all Gisele on Jessica (heaven forbid), but I think Jessica is going to be in for a very rude awakening when she finally figures out how little the baby weighs and how much of her “baby weight” is actually fried Oreos and slutty brownies and Doritos and ham.

Here’s video of Jessica on Jimmy Kimmel:

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet.

At this point, just looking at photos of Jessica Simpson is enough to give me a panic attack. Like, my heart starts racing and I break out in a cold sweat. I just can’t help but think about uncomfortable she must be, and how the build up to her due date keeps growing… and it just makes anxious. I’m a mess on her behalf. It doesn’t help that I have a well-documented fear of anything delivery-related… ugh. I need to stop talking about this. I might throw up.

So these are new photos of Jessica Simpson at her baby shower over the weekend. If you come away with anything from this post, let it be two-fold: I will vomit on you if you talk to me about childbirth AND Jessica isn’t due for another three weeks/a month. For real, on both counts. Everyone was saying Jessica was due at the end of March, but now Jessica is saying she’s not due until, like, mid-April. Jesus. Poor Jessica.

Jessica wore this “snakeskin” dress (I believe it’s just printed fabric, right?). I don’t even feel like I should comment on someone’s maternity wear – I just hope Jessica is comfortable. Attendees at Jess’s baby shower: Eric, her sister Ashlee, Pete Wentz, Bronx Wentz, Ellen Pompeo and Jessica Alba. An eyewitness said Jessica “seemed completely ecstatic.” Here’s more:

Jessica Simpson is about to pop — but not before she and her baby to be are feted with a proper soiree! On Sunday, Simpson, 31, was joined by more than 50 of her close friends and family, including her Texas kin and stars like Ellen Pompeo, Simpson’s sister Ashlee Simpson and Jessica Alba.

“It was a kid friendly shower with many of her friends bringing babies,” a source tells Us Weekly about the bash that took place in Los Angeles. “Jessica [Alba] brought her baby Haven, 7 months, and Ashlee brought Bronx, 3.

Earlier this month, Simpson confirmed to ELLE magazine (where she posed nude for the cover) that she and her fiance are happily expecting a girl.

Coming as no surprise, pink and yellow was the surrounding color theme of the afternoon, with tube-shaped balloons and spring tulips placed throughout the venue.

“She received tons of gifts mostly wrapped in pink gift wrap and boxes,” adds the source. “There were several books, stuffed toys and clothes among other items.”

While baby showers are traditionally a surprise, Jessica was not interested in being left in the clouds — she arrived before any of her guests to check out the space, pre-party!

“She seemed completely ecstatic” an eyewitness tells Us.

[From Us Weekly]

I didn’t even know Jessica was tight with Alba and Pompeo. Well, it’s good. It’s good that she has some mom-girlfriends. I wonder why Jessica’s Fashion Star costar Nicole Richie didn’t show up? Perhaps Nicole had better things to do. Or perhaps Nicole and Jessica really do kind of hate each other.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet.

Even though I think this story is possibly/probably BS, it’s getting a lot of coverage and though it pains me to admit it, In Touch Weekly might have a real source who is really spilling the dirt. According to ITW‘s source, Jessica Simpson is naming her 10-pound baby girl… Maxwell. Jess and Eric will nickname her “Maxi”. Maxi Johnson. Maxi pad joke, etc.

Choosing a baby name can be tricky, so it’s no surprise that Jessica Simpson and fiancé Eric Johnson were, until recently, at an impasse about what to call their soon-to-be born daughter. “They tossed around a lot of names, including some wacky ones like Zinfandel, but couldn’t agree on anything,” a family friend confides.

Now, the pair has come to an understanding, and In Touch — which was first to break the news both of Jessica’s pregnancy and of the baby’s sex — can exclusively reveal the unusual (for a girl) moniker. “They’re going to call her Maxwell, Maxi for short,” the friend says. Maxwell is Eric’s middle name, and also his beloved grandma’s maiden name. “Jessica wanted a name with meaning.”

And not only has Jessica’s been seen wearing a necklace with a diamond “M” pendant in honor of her little bundle of joy, the couple also already ordered onesies monogrammed with the name! Jessica, 31, is now set to give birth on April 20, three weeks earlier than her original due date.

“She’s gained so much weight and the baby is so big that doctors pushed up the date,” reveals her friend. And while the thought of giving birth freaks her out, “Jessica and Eric are so eager to meet Maxwell!”

[From In Touch Weekly]

LMAO at “Zinfandel”. I can just see Jessica, sober for the first time in years, saying, “How about… Scotch? How about Jack Daniel? Whiskey is a cute name, y’all! Scotch Johnson. We should do that! Or White Russian Johnson! How about Merlot?”

I have to admit, though, I usually loves boys’ names for girls. My Indian name is a very common boys’ name (in India), and I love it when a girl has a really fancy name but she shortens it to something boyish. Like “Charlotte” becomes “Charlie” or “Samantha” becomes “Sam”. I always like that. But Maxwell into Maxi? No.

What could be some of the other “M” names if Jessica really is wearing an “M” pendant, though? Maxine. Meric (“M” plus Eric). Meredith. Messica. Marguerite. OMG, it’s Margarita, isn’t it? OMG. I figured it out. Margarita Tequila Johnson.

Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame/Flynet.

Jessica “Swamp Ass” Simpson’s tour of TMI continues unabated! Huzzah! Yesterday, we covered Jessica’s appearances on both the Ellen DeGeneres show and The Tonight Show. Yes, Jessica is due in a few weeks. No, she’s not expecting twins. Yes, she’s eating something called “slutty brownies”. No, she hasn’t realized that her baby-daddy is the second coming of K-Fed. And yes, she’s the same old Jessica, only more so, and perhaps even funnier. Yesterday, Jessica spoke to Ryan Seacrest on his radio show, and Seacrest got to the questions that NO ONE wanted to know the answers to. Namely, Seacrest asked Jessica about her pregnant sex drive. Swamp Ass obliged, happily.

Thanks, Jessica! Weeks away from giving birth, Jessica Simpson has never felt more in touch with her body — or with her sexuality.

The hugely pregnant Fashion Star mentor, 31, opened up about her current sex life with fiance Eric Johnson on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show Tuesday.

“I am definitely ‘feeling intimate,”” said the sassy Texan said — and how! “I’m kind of unstoppable right now. The Big O is, like, the biggest O ever!”

Former NFL pro Johnson, 32, is definitely game, she added. “He’s always ready.”

During the freewheeling chat, the fashion mogul also explained her decision to go nude for the April cover of ELLE magazine. “They didn’t even ask me to do that,” she said. “It was my idea. It kind of just seemed a natural thing for me to do.”

Despite being her heaviest ever, Simpson said she feels super-confident about baring her body to fans.

“I’m like 170 pounds and I wanted to post nude. I try to be like 110 pounds. It’s funny to be at your heaviest and feel the most confident. I just take such pride in being a mom! I just love my body more than ever now.”

But, at this point, she’s ready to carry her daughter-to-be “in my arms and not my belly,” she admitted.

[From Us Weekly]

Once again, I’ve never been pregnant, so I have no personal stories to share. Some women have told me that they were incredibly horny throughout their pregnancies. Some women claim it only comes later in the pregnancy, when their hormones were raging in the second trimester. And some women don’t even want to be touched because if you come near them, they will barf on you. This kind of TMI doesn’t make me nauseous (like, say, your TMI about discharge or anything involving dilation). Live and let live. I just find it funny that Jessica doesn’t have any problem talking about her gigantic Big O’s with Ryan Seacrest.

In other Jessica news, People released further excerpts from Jessica’s Elle Magazine cover story, and these quotes are gems too. Did you know that Jessica is dressing with all of us in mind? She doesn’t dress for herself – she dresses with the hopes that we’ll think her outfit is cute, and that we’ll want to copy it.

“Every time I think I’m gonna be photographed, I wonder if somebody will see what I’m wearing, and if it’ll help ‘em put somethin’ together, maybe for school? I always wonder if what I’m wearing will be something that people would compliment, or want to wear,” she continues. “I don’t ever get ready just for myself, ever.”

[From Elle via People]

On one side, I think that Jessica is simply vocalizing something that most women do – we dress for other women. We dress so that our girlfriends will say, “Oh, cute sweater!” Only in Jessica’s case, she hopes everyone in the world will feel like her girlfriend. Does that make you like her more?

Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame/Flynet.

Jessica Simpson made two big public appearances yesterday – on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno last night, and on Ellen’s show, in a pretaped appearance which airs today. Let’s start with the Ellen video, because this is the first time I’m seeing Jessica in motion in a while. Ellen was making a big deal about Jessica being due any minute, but Jessica claims she has “some weeks” left in her pregnancy, “It’s not like tomorrow… I had contractions last night and I freaked out a little bit. You know those Braxton Hicks things… It’s like these contractions that pregnant woman have towards the end. It prepares your body for delivery. I’m prepared. It’s scary. It’s like oh god, this can happen right now.” Oh, and Jessica confirms once again that she’s not expecting twins, it’s just one big baby girl. Ellen is really sweet to her, and Jessica seems more comfortable than I’ve seen her in a while. Ellen gave her a Snoogle body pillow and a table full of food. Jessica had to ask Ellen if onion rings were vegan.

Cute, right? On The Tonight Show, it was much of the same stuff. Jessica denied that she was expecting twins. Oh, and Jessica wore six-inch heels to both shows too – she told Leno, “It’s a tough thing here and I’m wearing six inch heels, it’s a lot of weight to carry on six inches.” Jessica also discussed labor (“Labor is really going to hurt I have so much respect for my mom and all the women across the world.”) and her new favorite food – “slutty brownies.” Those are “a three layer desert which includes a layer of cookie dough, a layer of brownie mix and a layer of oreo cookie.”

She says she and Eric weren’t trying for a baby “but we were practicing” and when she found out she was preggo, “I freaked out I was so excited, Eric didn’t even know I was doing it, he was completely shocked. He cried.” Oh, and she is going to marry her K-Fed too – “I want him to be my husband so bad. I do still want to wear the pretty gown so I have to wait… Now she’ll just be in the wedding.” My favorite part is when Jessica talks about how much she was sweating during the first months of her pregnancy and she started calling herself “Swamp Ass”. I hope she never changes.

Header photo courtesy of Ellen, additional photos by Fame/Flynet.

Yesterday, I covered the earliest quotes from Jessica Simpson’s Elle Magazine cover interview, and I ended up updating the post with the nude Elle cover. I’m kind of glad that I’ve ended splitting this stuff into two posts, because there’s so much to cover. First, I LOVE the header photo!!!! I know it’s cheesy, I know her dude is a total K-Fed. But I still it’s a beautiful, sweet image. It makes me like Eric a little bit. If you’d like to see the Elle slideshow of Jessica’s photo shoot, go here – Jessica has an alternate, full-clothed cover too, which I’m assuming will be the newsstand version. While everybody loves pregnant celebrities, I’m not sure everybody wants to see Jessica’s shadowy, pregnant biscuit while they’re getting in line at the grocery store checkout (“Oh, I just remembered – I need Funions and beer.”). Here are even more excerpts from Jessica’s interview:

On her hopes for her daughter’s sense of style: “Ah swear, ah will croak if she asks me for a pair of Nikes instead of Christian Louboutins!” she blurts out, her Dallas accent swooping back in this moment of heightened anxiety. “Eric is so athletic. We’re gonna have this ath-a-letic girl and I won’t even be able to take her shopping, ’cause all she’s gonna want is sports bras and Nikes!”

On taking tabloid brutality in stride: “I’m still standin’,” she drawls. “I grew up very strong! You know, my father used to be an adolescent therapist. I remember sitting at his office, watching the girls walkin’ in and out. Kids doin’ coke at 16…heroin. Pregnant at 14. I could see what I didn’t want to be.”

On her body subconsciously telling her she was pregnant: “We were goin’ to have an all-day drinking binge,” Simpson says, not shy about saying so. “Gonna ride our bikes, hang out…do naughty things. But I started feeling this overwhelming guilt. Why would I feel guilt at the idea of going out and having cocktails with my friends?”

On her 10-pound baby: “I was only six pounds,” she notes. “So maybe Eric and I can meet in the middle.”

[From Elle]

I get the feeling that Jessica is playing a little fast and loose with the “I quit drinking when I simply felt I might be pregnant” story. Because, obviously, Jessica loves to drink. I’m guessing she was still guzzling Scotch for the first month, before she realized she was pregnant. As for her moaning about perhaps having an athletic girl… dear God. She better hope THAT is her biggest worry. I mean… this little girl is going to be half-Farty, half-Nouveau-K-Fed. That’s going to be a MESS. You know the girl is going to be blonde, gassy, dumb as a box of hair, sweet-natured, and she’s definitely going to have the big-boob gene. *crosses self*

Photos courtesy of Elle.

Jessica Simpson is going to cover the April issue of Elle Magazine, I think. Elle hasn’t released their cover or anything, but Page Six has a preview of Jessica’s interview. This will be the first major magazine interview Jessica has given during her pregnancy, I believe. It’s interesting that she waited until she was so far along, and it’s interesting that she waited until she had something to promote (other than her pregnancy). She’s promoting Fashion Star, of course, where she acts as the Tim Gunn-like mentor to young designers. We’ll see how that works out. Anyway, in Page Six’s preview, Jessica confirms to Elle that she’s having a girl!!! And she confirms that her girl will be one big baby.

Jessica Simpson has confirmed she’s having a baby girl and says her impending bundle of joy is expected to weigh in at a healthy 10 pounds. The reality-star-turned-fashion mogul further reveals in Elle’s April issue that she and fiancé Eric Johnson have already picked out a “nontraditional” name.

“We’re sure,” Simpson said of the choice without revealing the name. “We’re embroidering it on things.”

She says the name is “nothing shocking and nothing you’ll have to add to the dictionary… When people hear it, they’ll know . . . why.”

And it won’t be “Chicken of the Sea” after her most famous line from “Newlyweds.” According to Elle, Simpson’s moved beyond her days as a reality TV ditz to a “billion-dollar-per-year business” with her Jessica Simpson Collection, as well as star of NBC’s “Fashion Star.” The mag says TV exec Ben Silverman is developing a sitcom for her.

She also reveals that she initially found it difficult to wrap her head around abstaining from top-shelf whiskey while pregnant. “Givin’ up my Scotch? My Macallan 18? That was hard for me! . . . Though now . . . being pregnant. You crave other things. A big thing of water sounds great!”

[From Page Six]

LMAO. I kind of love her for talking about how difficult it was for her to give up drinking. Ten bucks says she starts drinking again when she’s breast-feeding. Seriously. That baby girl is going to be drinking White Russians every night. As for the 10-pound baby girl… well, obviously. I never really thought Jessica was carrying twins, I just thought she was carrying really big, because that’s her body type and that’s who she is. She was always going to look this big while pregnant. And considering the 10-pound-baby… well, I really hope she does go in for the C-section. I don’t want 10 pounds of anything coming out of my vadge, which is probably how Jessica feels too. Allegedly, she’s due later this month. God knows, though. Poor Jess.

UPDATE: Here’s the Elle Mag cover!

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet and Jessica’s Twitter.