Last week was full of Jessica Simpson’s Weight Watchers nonsense. I still don’t really know what to make of Jessica and Weight Watchers and (IMO) their fraud. But I think Jessica is made of teflon. Or maybe she’s just covered in bacon grease, because nothing ever really sticks to her. I think it’s the “soft bigotry of low expectations” – people think she’s dumb, so when she’s involved in something idiotic, people are just like, “Uh, Jessica. Stop farting around, dumbass.” So Jessica has been pretty quiet for about a week, and now she’s back with a new interview, full of all kinds of Farty details.

She’s already a singer, actress, fashion mogul and reality show mentor. Now Jessica Simpson has her sights set on primetime.

“I think doing a sitcom is something I really want to do,” Simpson, 32, tells iVillage in a new interview about her career goals. “[I would] be able to be with my daughter every day on set.”

The pop star, who welcomed baby Maxwell May 1 (with fiancé Eric Johnson), says she can’t wait to encourage her little girl to follow whatever it is that speaks to her.

“I’m going to let Maxwell do what she wants to do,” Simpson says. “I mean, I’m definitely going to parent her the way my parents parented me . . . [but] when I was young, I was like, ‘This is what I want to do,’ and they supported me, and I was doing it by the time I was fourteen years old.”

Adds the Jessica Simpson Collection founder, “I think it’s important to encourage from a young age that whatever you’re passionate about — go for it!”

Simpson says that she and Johnson have been so focused on their bundle of joy and her future, that they have yet to sit down and focus on plans for their wedding. Still, the Fashion Star judge has a clear vision of the type of celebration she’s aiming for.

“I know it’s going to be a perfect wedding, and . . . I mean, I say that, and it could not be . . . we really haven’t planned it,” she confesses. “But I see it being definitely a destination thing and everyone celebrating and being able to dress up and having all of my bridesmaids looking beautiful in whatever designer they want to wear.”

[From Us Weekly]

First, the idea of Jessica on a sitcom…? Are we counting her reality show with Nick Lachey as her first “sitcom”? I guess. I think Jessica is capable of that kind of thing – “playing” the ditzy, farty blonde on camera. You don’t even have to give her a script. But that’s the problem, isn’t it? Jessica is not good when she has to use a script.

As for Jessica’s admission that she’ll raise Maxwell like she was raised… don’t hate me, but I understand what she’s saying. Jessica isn’t going to raise her daughter the way, say, Gwyneth Paltrow raises her daughter. Jessica isn’t going to try to raise a multi-lingual child. She’s not going to raise a child with an emphasis on “book smarts.” We already knew that, didn’t we? Maxwell is going to be raised around grits, guns and God. And you know what? That’s fine. Not everyone has to raise their kids from the Gwyneth-Jen Garner-Gisele Playbook.

Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame/Flynet.

When I was very young (like, 13 or 14), I hated my pubescent body. Nowadays I would absolutely LOVE to have that figure again. Anyway, I wore a lot of baggy clothes, trying to do anything I could to mask all of my (mostly imagined) body imperfections. At that time, someone told me this great universal truth: baggy clothes don’t make you look smaller, and baggy clothes don’t mask your body. Baggy clothes only make you look BIGGER. Has anyone told that to Jessica Simpson? Because I really don’t think this glorified peasant-dress/muumuu is doing her body any favors. Yes, we can bitch and moan and analyze Jessica’s lies, but the truth is, I believe she’s a lot smaller than this dress would have us believe. Maybe we’re just supposed to be so hypnotized by her massive cleavage that we’re not supposed to look below the boobs. Now, THAT does work. I figured out that trick in my late teens: if you don’t like the way your ass looks, flash some cleavage and no one will notice anything else.

Additionally, Jessica submitted an accounting of her daily food intake to Us Weekly. Note the lack of hawt dergs.

Dust off the Daisy Dukes! Four months after Jessica Simpson welcomed daughter, Maxwell (with fiance Eric Johnson, 33), the star says: “I’m 10 pounds away from my prebaby size!” She shares the secrets of her success on Weight Watchers with Us Weekly.

7 a.m. Simpson, 32, wakes to feed Maxwell, then eats breakfast: half a Flatout flatbread sandwich with egg whites, peppers and fat-free cheddar (6 PointsPlus).

8 a.m. Simpson straps on her pedometer and hits the streets with Johnson and Maxwell. “I’m trying to do at least 14,000 steps a day,” she says. Afterward: a snack of berries, bananas, melon or grapefruit (0 PointsPlus).

11 a.m. Four days a week, Simpson reports to trainer Harley Pasternak for a 45-minute session. After a cardio warm-up, it’s circuit time: seven sets (up to 30 reps each) of dumbbell triceps extensions, hamstring curls and crunches with a medicine ball throw. “Her waist is going in, and her thighs are growing smaller,” says Pasternak.

12:30 p.m. If it’s Wednesday, she weighs in at home with her mom and pals.

1 p.m. “I make lunch my biggest meal to keep me full through the day,” she says. One favorite: spinach salad with 4 ounces of chicken satay and pear (8 PointsPlus).

2 p.m. Stroller walk with Maxwell, or hoof it at home on the treadmill watching 24. Her reward: a WW berry smoothie (3 PointsPlus).

6:30 p.m. Bathtime and bed for Maxwell, then dinner for Mom! It’s often fish (4 ounces of halibut or tilapia) with roasted eggplant, broccoli or asparagus (6 PointsPlus). And for dessert? Skinny Cow chocolate truffle bars (3 PointsPlus).

10 p.m. Lights out.

[From Us Weekly]

I eat less for breakfast than Jessica. Is that bad? I have an Activa yogurt (don’t judge, I f—king love Activa, it tastes so good) and a banana. That’s my breakfast every day. I’ve just never been a breakfast person – like, I can’t sit there in the morning and have pancakes or waffles or anything. My appetite hasn’t really gotten going, so I just go healthy. But… by lunchtime, I’m starving. I’m not going to tell you what else I eat throughout the day, though, because I don’t want you bitches to judge me! Mmm… Fritos.

Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame/Flynet.

OMG. OMG!!!!! I just watched Jessica Simpson’s new Weight Watchers commercial twice, and it might be the funniest/weirdest thing of the day. I’m including the commercial below, but before you watch it, I need to prepare you for something. Do not expect Jessica to come out in some tight outfit, proclaiming that she’s dropped 6 sizes or anything. Do not expect to see Jessica’s Weight Watchers body whatsoever. This commercial is only about Jessica’s FACE. The camera never goes any lower than Jessica’s cleavage, and a large part of the commercial is done in extreme close-up. Jessica has great skin and a really annoying voice, but you’ve got to think that Weight Watchers is kind of disappointed with how little they could show of her body:

CB and I were discussing the current incarnation of the Weight Watchers program, and whether Jessica is the best saleswoman for their message. CB thinks (and I agree) that WW should just come out with specifics in their ads – like, “This program is about portion control and being healthier and it’s going to take time.” If Jessica came out and said that and showed her body and said, “I’m more than half-way to meeting my goal weight, I am in progress on this,” I think I would be much more accepting of this whole endeavor. Instead, this whole thing seems like a fraudulent shell game, like Jessica endlessly repeating, “I’m not a supermodel” while protecting her angles is supposed to make us BELIEVE.

Y’all know I had sympathy for Jessica during her pregnancy, and in the months following the birth. I didn’t like the way people ganged up on her for gaining weight, and I felt like Jessica got in over her head with the Weight Watchers contract, like they were forcing her to start the program before she was ready. But this is not the way to retain my sympathy.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet, screencaps from the commercial.

These are some photos of Jessica Simpson in NYC yesterday, where she was the first guest on Katie Couric’s new daytime talk show. CB and I were debating Jessica’s general appearance, and whether or not she looks like she’s been lying about her weight loss – I tend to think she has genuinely lost most of her baby weight, but that weight loss progress is being hampered because Jessica keeps playing fast and loose with the numbers. Jessica claims she’s only 10 pounds away from her pre-baby weight – which I will believe only if she’s talking about her boob weight.

Anyway… when I’m at the gym, I just listen to music on my iPod and stare mindlessly at the bank of TVs in front of me, trying to guess what they’re discussing. Thus, I was able to catch part of Jessica Simpson’s big “body debut” on Katie Couric’s new show yesterday. Since I wasn’t listening, all I could judge was the body language and facial expressions of the two women. My read: Katie was going out of her way to be extra-sacchrine, and Jessica was mindlessly repeating her Weight Watchers talking points and her orchestrated “un-truths” about her pregnancy and her weight loss. It’s good to know I was right about all of it, because just glancing through the coverage of the interview… that’s exactly what happened:

Jessica Simpson’s post-baby fitness regimen is still a work in progress, but the bubbly entrepreneur is optimistic about finally shedding her pregnancy weight, she told Katie Couric Monday.

“During pregnancy, I didn’t really think about it,” she told the talk show host of her expanding figure. “I thought my doctors were telling me that it was just a lot of water and whenever my water broke my whole entire stomach would go down but that did not happen. All the weight did not come out with the baby!”

Simpson, who acts as a spokesperson for Weight Watchers, has already lost an impressive 40 pounds since giving birth to baby Maxwell Drew Johnson in May. A big part of her progress has been in not just changing habits, but her entire relationship with food, she explained.

“You have to track every bit, and you can’t get away with the bites because they add up,” she said. “You have to be completely honest with yourself, and I think just creating that relationship of honesty with yourself is so good.”

During her pregnancy, the 32-year-old starlet admitted to succumbing to cravings for sweets, most notably a concoction called “slutty brownies,” made up of cookie dough, oreo cookies and brownie dough baked together.

Add to that a love for Tex Mex, anything fried and barbecue, and Simpson admits that her diet during her pregnancy was anything but healthy.

“Can’t beat Velveeta,” she quipped at one point during the show as Couric chatted with her Weight Watchers coach. But even at her heaviest — Simpson said she weighed 170 pounds when she posed nude and pregnant for Elle magazine in April — the singer said she would pointedly avoid the negative press.

“I’ve been pregnant for three years!” she joked of the way the tabloids have made fun of her yo-yo weight. “I definitely don’t Google my name. I try to avoid it completely. But I still subconsciously know that the talk is going on so I think that every day that is a struggle for me. I understand that it sells magazines and stuff … but I wish I could get a cut!” she laughed.

[From The New York Daily News]

Ah, I see. Now she claims that the “170 pounds” figure was when she posed for Elle’s April 2012 issue. You know what? Jessica was probably only six months pregnant when she posed for Elle. Which means there are three months’ worth of hawt dergs, slutty brownies and Velvetta completely unaccounted for. Now, it’s perfectly possible that Jessica is being completely honest with her Weight Watchers program people and she doesn’t want to get into the nuts and bolts of “This is what I weighed in May, this is what I weighed in June” etc. In which case… sure, she doesn’t have to do that, of course. It’s her business. But it becomes a little bit sketchier when she’s playing fast and loose with the numbers while she’s being paid $4 million to promote the WW program. Coughfalseadvertisingcough.

Her dress is Roland Mouret, by the way. It’s not all that great, but it does “mask” her abdomen.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet.

Jessica Simpson announced last week that she’s going to do her “body after baby” reveal today, on Katie Couric’s new daytime talk show. Something tells me that Katie is going to be kind of pissed that Jessica has already been photographed just this weekend, showing off some of her figure at LAX on Sunday. Of course, Jessica seems to be wearing an oversized tunic-type caftan/blouse (which I love, actually), so maybe the big “reveal” will include booty shorts and a tank top. You seriously never know with Jessica. I will say this: I think she looks pretty good here. The weight has noticeably come off of her face, and she simply doesn’t look as uncomfortable as she did while pregnant. But did you know that Jessica claims she only got up to 170 pounds while pregnant? Seriously:

Jessica Simpson is taking her post-baby weight loss efforts seriously — and it’s paying off, big time. On Sunday, the mom to Maxwell headed to LAX to catch a flight to NYC. Before boarding her flight, Simpson, 32, looked comfy, casual and slimmer than ever in a black tunic and formfitting black pants.

The Fashion Star mentor is slated to make her first public appearance since giving birth four months ago during a chat with Katie Couric on the TV host’s new talk show Monday.

Last week, Simpson opened up to Us Weekly about her success using Weight Watchers so far.
“I’m 10 pounds away from my pre-baby size,” said the singer/designer, who got up to 170 pounds while pregnant.

In addition to adhering to the popular point-based eating plan, Simpson said she’s working out four times a week with celeb trainer Harley Pasternak.

“Her waist is going in, and her thighs are getting smaller,” Pasternak said of his A-list client’s progress so far.

Though she still has a little bit of work to do before she’s back to her goal weight, Simpson is confident she can make it happen. Now that she’s a mom, she told Us, “I believe I can do anything!”

[From Us Weekly]

I believe that she’s probably about 10 pounds heavier than her pre-baby weight. I believe that more than I believe she only got up to 170 during her pregnancy. I know, I know – Jessica is a short girl, etc, and her figure doesn’t “mask” weight very well. But I still think she was heavier than 170. Anyway, I guess I’m glad Jessica finally put in the work and she fulfilled her $4 million Weight Watchers contract. I just hope we don’t have to hear about it for the next 10 months.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet.

I haven’t really written about Jessica Simpson in more than a month. It’s not from lack of stories – every week, the tabloids have some new story about how Jessica hates Eric or Eric hates Jessica’s diet or how Jessica is having a sexual relationship with cheesecake or whatever. Part of the reason that I took a break from Farty coverage is that I felt kind of bad for her – her postpartum life is all about losing the baby weight with a huge Weight Watchers contract hanging over her head. I got the feeling that Jessica regretted setting up her post-pregnancy weight loss expectations (50 pounds in 5 months?), and I wanted to do my part to give her some peace.

Another reason why I stopped covering Jessica? Because we barely had any new photos of her. There were some photos here and there (exclusives) of Jess going in and out of her gym, but they weren’t enough to get a sense of how much (or how little) weight she was losing. As it turns out, that’s part of Jessica’s plan. She’s been starving the paparazzi of photos lately because she’s going to do a big “reveal” on Katie Couric’s new show. Jessica gave a new interview where she discusses her weight loss and her big boobs… because of course.

Jessica Simpson knows exactly why she gained the weight she did while pregnant with her daughter Maxwell Drew.

“I let myself indulge in everything I wanted because it was the first time I was ever pregnant, and I wanted to enjoy it,” Simpson, 32, tells USA Today.

That included eating one of her faves, macaroni and cheese. But Simpson didn’t quite understand how the indulgence would affect her post-baby body. “I didn’t realize [the weight] didn’t all come off with the baby,” says Simpson.

She’s now given up many of those foods, however, while doing Weight Watchers as the company’s newest spokeswoman – she appears in the ads next week.

She hasn’t revealed her current weight, nor what she weighed at her heaviest, but says she’s lost weight each week on the program.

She also works out with personal trainer (and PEOPLE.com blogger) Harley Pasternak four or five times a week, mostly walking now, says Simpson, because, “my boobs are way too big to run at this point.”

Numbers aside, the star seems realistic. “My body is not bouncing back like a supermodel,” says Simpson. “I’m just your everyday woman who is trying to feel good and be healthy for her daughter, her fiancé and herself.”

Simpson, who is engaged to former NFL player Eric Johnson, will reveal her post-baby body on Katie Couric’s new show, Katie, on Sept. 10.

[From People]

God, I hear her about the boobs. People always ask why I’m not a runner – it really is because of my big boobs and my bad knees. I have to wear a minimizer AND a sports bra while working out, and that’s just for my non-running cardio. Jessica’s boobs were big to start with, and now she’s nursing so I can only imagine. Poor girl. As for everyone yelling about Jessica and how much she ate during her pregnancy – let her be. She’s paying for it now.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet and WENN.

Wouldn’t you need a stiff drink if you were one of Jessica Simpson’s parents? I would. According to TMZ, Papa Joe Simpson was arrested for a DUI in LA several nights ago. This answers several questions I had about the Simpson family. First, where did Jessica learn how to guzzle booze like a champ? Her father. Two, how does Papa Joe overcome his unhealthy interest with his daughter’s boobs? Booze. It all makes sense now:

Joe Simpson — Jessica Simpson’s father — was arrested for DUI in L.A. … TMZ has learned.

According to law enforcement sources, 54-year-old Joe was busted on Ventura Blvd. in Sherman Oaks on August 4.

We’re told LAPD cops pulled Joe’s car over around 10 PM … and during the stop, officers got the feeling he was intoxicated and ultimately cuffed the famous pop and took him to the pokey.

Joe was booked and spent the rest of the night behind bars. He was released without having to post bail at 9:41 the following day.

The case has not been sent over to prosecutors in the L.A. City Attorney’s Office yet, but if criminal charges are filed, it’s likely Joe will not get any jail time since it’s his first offense. He’ll probably end up with a big fat fine — something his daughter will have no problem paying.

[From TMZ]

Hm, it doesn’t sound like they gave him a Breathalyzer? Maybe he really was obviously intoxicated and the Breathalyzer wasn’t necessary. Whenever it’s some dumb starlet who gets pulled over for a DUI, I hammer them about their idiocy and how they could have killed someone. I shall do the same here – Papa Joe is old enough and wealthy enough to hire a car and driver. In fact, I almost think it’s worse when it’s someone older like Papa Joe, because I always get the feeling that they’ve been driving drunk for a long time, and they only got caught now. So, congrats, Papa Joe. You’ve now joined the ranks of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes.

Incidentally, Jessica is off the booze, at least according to her. I think she only just realized how many empty calories are in her beloved Scotch.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

I’ve always suspected there was a lot of behind-the-scenes sister-drama with the Simpson sisters, Jessica and Ashlee. My take: Papa Joe Simpson began playing favorites with his daughters when they were just kids, and that favoritism carried into adulthood, with Joe always being closer to and more focused on Jessica, and he never really cared about what Ashlee was doing. To her credit, I think Jessica – in her own way – has always felt that Ashlee gets excluded and Jessica reaches out to her and talks her up, which Ashlee might feel is patronizing. Basically, Ashlee has a grudge, some of it old family history and some of which are slights that still occur. Ashlee is tagged as “the difficult little sister” and “the screw-up” to Jessica’s “perfection” and the storyline just keeps on going and going. I actually feel bad for Ashlee – I think she’s got some issues, and I think she’s got some legitimate complaints for how she’s treated within her own family. Unfortunately, when Jessica gave birth to Maxwell, the sister-drama went nuclear. According to Star, Jessica is so “over” her sister’s BS that Jessica chose CaCee Cobb to be Maxwell’s godmother instead of Ashlee.

When Ashlee Simpson gave birth to her son, Bronx, three and a half years ago, her sister, Jessica, was a doting aunt.

“Jessica also sent gifts,” a family friend says. But when Jessica became a mom on May 1, Ashlee didn’t return the affection.

“Ashlee is jealous of the attention and the money Jessica is getting for losing her baby weight,” the friend reports. The source says Ashlee, 27, has always had a chip on her shoulder about growing up in Jessica’s shadow. When Bronx was born, Ashlee felt like she had a leg up, because all eyes were on her – but now, thanks to Maxi, Jessica has stolen the spotlight again. Ashlee’s responded by checking out of her sister’s life.

“She doesn’t call, and she certainly doesn’t help Jessica,” the friend says. Jessica was so hurt that she chose her pal CaCee Cobb to be her daughter’s godmother, instead of her sister. “She misses Ashlee,’ says the friend. “But she’s really angry that she doesn’t give a sh-t about her niece.”

[From Star Magazine, print edition]

While I think it’s awful that Ashlee doesn’t seem to “give a sh-t about her niece,” I also think it’s interesting how these old, childhood storylines get carried into adulthood. Jessica is always the good sister, Ashlee is always the disappointing sister. It’s got to be rough on Ashlee.

By the way, Jessica’s weight is still being discussed and dissected in the tabloids. For her part, Jessica tweeted yesterday, “Just bought all the girls in my @weightwatchers group pedometers to track their steps. 10,000 steps a day = 5 miles! Let’s step it up!” I know I’m an idiot about these things (go ahead and yell), but is the goal to do 5 miles overall, like throughout the day when you’re just walking around your house and running errands? Or is the “five miles” supposed to be for what you do in the gym? Because if you’re walking (not running) five miles at the gym, that will take forever.

Photos courtesy of WENN, Jessica’s Twitter.

Jessica Simpson just tweeted this photo of herself, Eric Johnson and baby Maxwell on the 4th of July. The photo looks so perfect, my first thought was “Wow, is that the ‘fireworks’ backdrop at a professional photo studio?” But I think it’s for real. Somebody just managed to take a beautiful photo of the Simpson-Johnson family. My thoughts, in no particular order:

*I like that Eric is holding the baby! I hope he turns out to be a great, low-key dad. My body language analysis of this photo – and previous photos of the couple – is that he actually does adore Jessica and he’s happy with his new family.

*Jessica is so pretty without makeup. She doesn’t need to wear a stitch of it and she’s still radiant.

*Little Maxwell is a big baby! I love that Maxi is really looking more and more gingery and brunette as opposed to blonde. I have no doubt that when the baby gets a little bigger, her mom will be putting Sun-In in her hair, trying to make it blonder.

*Little Maxwell looks like her dad, right? Like, I can barely see any of Jessica in there. It’s all Eric at this point.

Us Weekly has some nice quotes from “sources” close to the family – probably Papa Joe, but whatever. The quotes are nice. A source says, “Eric loves holding Maxwell — that is, when he can manage to get her away from Jessica… Everyone is marveling at what a natural Jessica is. She was born to be a mom.”

Last thing – there were rumors earlier this week that Jessica was going to launch a “bridal collection” to her very successful fashion line, but E! News says that rumor is false. I do think she’s going to go ahead with a full-blown maternity line, though.

Photos courtesy of Jessica’s Twitter.

I’ve been saying since the beginning of this fart-blanketed catastrophe that Jessica Simpson is going to rue the day that she signed a $3 million contract with Weight Watchers. Jessica says there are no problems, tweeting, “Just so everyone knows…Weight Watchers hasn’t put ANY pressure on me! I’m trying to be as healthy as I can be for myself and I feel great!” – but we know the truth, don’t we? Weight Watchers will totally put pressure on her to lose weight, and some claim they’ve already set up goals for Jessica – goals which she’s already struggling with, like losing 50 pounds in five months. Now Us Weekly reports that WW has told Jessica she needs to lose AT LEAST 20 pounds by the end of August or they won’t pay her. FINE. She doesn’t need the money anyway, but it will be embarrassing for poor Jess if she can’t meet her goals. Also, guess who grabbed a cocktail as soon that baby was out of her?

The scale has spoken – and it doesn’t have any good news for Jessica Simpson. A source tells Hot Stuff that Jessica learned at her first Weight Watchers weigh-in – a few weeks after the May 1 birth of daughter Maxwell – she had gained 70 pounds. Luckily, Jessica has $4 million worth of motivation to shed them.

Her contract requires a 20 to 30 pound loss by the end of August or no payday, says a source. But it won’t be easy.

“Jessica has always had issues with junk food,” says a Simpson pal. So Jessica has called in reinforcements: She enlisted her mom, Tina, and a few pals to do the program “to help keep herself in check,” says the insider. Simpson, who plans to breastfeed through July, also ditched her beloved high-calorie margaritas, adds the source. “She had a few drinks postpregnancy, but then stopped.”

[From US Weekly, print edition]

Jessica had a problem with margaritas? I didn’t know that. I knew she had a problem with Scotch, though. I wonder if she still sips her beloved Macallan now that Maxwell has arrived? Is Maxwell drinking White Russians while breastfeeding? What is the caloric difference between a double Scotch, straight up, versus a margarita? So many questions.

But as for Weight Watchers and the money and all – I think Jessica just signed on to WW to give herself some instigation to get back into shape. But I swear, she had no idea how much Weight Watchers would pressure her to lose the weight fast.

Photos courtesy of Jessica’s Twitter, WENN & PCN.