Charlie Sheen reportedly has plans to plead guilty in Colorado to a misdemeanor for an alleged drug and alcohol-fueled Christmas day attack on his wife, Brooke Mueller. According to Radar and TMZ, Sheen will cop a plea on Monday and immediately begin serving a 30 day sentence. He’ll ultimately do about 17 days, with the first and last of those days being partial. It doesn’t sound like much of a penalty for (allegedly) holding a knife to someone’s throat and threatening to kill them, but it’s something. Earlier reports had him spending up to 45 days in jail for a guilty plea.

The best part of this story is the fact that Charlie requested a special compensation to be able to smoke in jail but was denied. They’re probably going to let him stick on some patches so the withdrawal isn’t as terrible. The jail is reportedly “one of the cushiest in America” and even allows contact between male and female prisoners. You can see photos of it online and it looks more like a dorm than a jail. There’s even a decent gym.

RadarOnline.com can confirm that Sheen will enter a ‘no contest/guilty’ plea on Monday to a single misdemeanor charge in exchange for the felony charge against him being dropped in connection with his alleged Christmas Day assault on wife Brooke Mueller.

A source told RadarOnline.com: “The deal with the District Attorney is for 30 days but that could go down to just 17 days with good behavior.

But even with the relatively short sentence, Charlie couldn’t imagine going without his cigs, and he had his attorney request smoking privileges.

“This request was refused although he can wear nicotine patches in what is considered a very cushy jail,” the source told us.

It’s still unknown which misdemeanor he will plea to – the criminal mischief for breaking Brooke’s eyeglasses or misdemeanor 3rd degree assault.

“The plea deal suits both parties,” the source added. “Charlie Sheen does not want to risk getting locked up in a federal prison so staying at Aspen’s jail for a short time suits him; while prosecutors don’t want to risk the potential embarrassment of losing at trial.”

In exchange for the plea deal it is not expected that Sheen will serve any probation upon his release, RadarOnline.com has learned.

A new court date of June 7 has been scheduled so that a plea deal can be presented to the judge…. he could potentially begin serving his jail sentence the same day the plea is entered.

If the star is jailed it is likely he will be housed at Pitkin County Jail in Colorado which is regarded as one of the cushiest jails in America.

The facility is decked out with plants, spacious living areas, a gym, plus televisions and other amenities. Amazingly, when not locked in their cells, inmates are allowed to mingle with the opposite sex in shared living areas – something that would no doubt appeal to Sheen.

[From Radar Online]

It bugs me that Paris Hilton had to spend over a month in jail for driving on a suspended license but that Charlie Sheen is only going to get a couple weeks for assault and his career won’t be affected at all. The guy will get out to make over a million bucks an episode for essentially playing a nicer version of himself on a cheesy television show. Life, and justice, are by no means fair.

Prior to heading off to jail to serve his minimal sentence, Charlie went to Disneyland with his ex wife, Denise Richards, and their two daughters.

You know what makes me happy? The thought of O.J. Simpson being someone’s bitch in prison. Yeah I know the likelihood that he’ll go to prison is pretty slim – it’s O.J. after all, he could go all Rambo on the inside of a police precinct and somehow get away with it. And I know the likelihood that he’d be someone’s bitch is also pretty slim – but a girl can dream, right? And that’s my dream, because I have a frighteningly retributive nature. But after the thought of O.J. going to prison and O.J. bending over, the thing that makes me the next happiest is O.J. losing all his stuff to Fred Goldman & Company. I can’t believe the Juice has been able to live his lavish lifestyle for so long, but better late than never.

“A California judge on Tuesday ordered the ex-football hero to fork over a Rolex watch, among other items, to help satisfy the $33.5 million judgment for the wrongful deaths of ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman. David Cook, a lawyer for Goldman’s father, Fred, said after Tuesday’s hearing that the Submariner Rolex could be worth anywhere from $5,000 to $20,000. ‘In this case, if it’s Mr. Simpson’s, then it would be ours,’ Cook told reporters outside the Santa Monica courthouse. Simpson’s Los Angeles-based attorney, Ronald Slates, expressed doubts about the Rolex’s authenticity and said he had already collected the timepiece from his client and planned to turn it over to Goldman’s camp by Tuesday afternoon. ‘Know any Rolex watches that sell for 125 bucks?’ he asked, noting that’s the amount Simpson told him he paid for it. But the lawyer conceded that if it is a knockoff, ‘it’s a pretty good copy.’”

[From E! News]

The very best part? If any of that “sports memorabilia” that Simpson was arrested for trying to steal back is found to actually belong to him, he has to surrender it – so he loses either way. Party up in here!

“Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Gerald Rosenberg also ordered the Naked Gun star to surrender any of the memorabilia from last month’s purported Las Vegas heist that is found to belong to Simpson. He is currently facing 11 criminal counts, ranging from armed robbery to kidnapping, for taking the items. Simpson, 60, has proclaimed his innocence, stating that all the mementos belonged to him and he was just conducting a ‘sting operation’ to get them back.

“As for the cache of memorabilia, Slates said he had no way of handing over any of it because Las Vegas police have confiscated it for evidence. Cook countered that Rosenberg’s ruling states that should Simpson be found to own any of the disputed collectibles, which reportedly includes footballs, jerseys and photos, then they must be given to the Goldmans. ‘As we said earlier, Mr. Simpson is going to walk out of Las Vegas bust. You’ve always heard that expression,’ Cook added. ‘He’s not walking away with that sports memorabilia. That’s what the judge ordered, and he’s going to literally walk away empty-handed for all his trouble.’”

[From E! News]

I wish you all could see my happy dance. It’s very undignified, completely unhinged, and totally worth it. I love to see this wife-battering murderer getting what he deserves. I doubt much of anything will wipe the smug grin off his face, but maybe living in a box down by the river might be a good start.