Forbes has just released a list of the most powerful celebrity babies, based on media exposure of the last year. Which is a shame, as I was hoping it was based on super powers. Unfortunately, being the child of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt only gives you the beauty gene, not the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Hollywood’s Most Influential Babies

1. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
2. Suri Cruise
3. Zahara Jolie-Pitt
4. Sean Preston Federline
5. Pax Jolie-Pitt
6. Sam Alexis Woods
7. David Banda Ritchie
8. Dannielynn Birkhead
9(tie). Romeo Beckham
9(tie). Cruz Beckham

Forbes

While Shiloh might have topped the list for media exposure, I’m guessing that in reality Suri is more influential. She’s got the whole cult of Scientology behind her! Head of photo agency World Entertainment News Network Jill Stempel also suggests that Suri is responsible for resuscitating Tom Cruise’s career post-couch jumping, making him more human.

Of course, in twenty years I fully expect these babies to be dating each other and getting arrested in awkward circumstances. As the Hollywood Brat Pack of 2027 I’m sure they’ll all continue to command a big media presence, but I’m not sure whether any of them will be independently successful as someone more famous than their parents. Particularly if Britney drops poor little Sean Preston on his head again. Then again, some people might have suggested that Angelina Jolie wouldn’t ever be more successful than her father John Voight, and she seems to be doing okay for herself.

Normally I would write an article like this with the caveat that “I’m just passing this along because it’s funny.” But Britney Spears is absolutely insane/demented/possessed by a pack of wild beavers that I believe she would do pretty much anything. You could tell me that she was spotted hovering over the Grand Canyon in an astronaut suit she bought on eBay, and I’d be like, “Wow, she has really bad spending habits.” But I would never accuse you of lying, because Britney Spears can and will do anything to get attention/get her way/prove that you can have an IQ of 73 and still get reasonably far in this world.

According to the National Enquirer, Britney is using a love potion to try to win Kevin Federline back. Look, I’m going to be honest with you. Yes you should take most everything from the Enquirer with a grain of salt. But Britney has been reported to have done far crazier things by far more reputable sources in an attempt to win back the love/wife beaters of Kevin Federline. So there could well be a kernel of truth here.

The “Gimme More” singer has been consulting a psychic on the Hawaiian island of Maui who claims she can concoct a potion to make Kevin fall back in love with Britney. “Britney is desperate to change her luck and get her life back on track,” revealed a source. “She is still in love with Kevin and dreams of reuniting as a family.” Britney’s psychic adviser - the same one who told the pop princess it was a good idea to marry the unemployed dancer three years ago - told her she could concoct a mixture using special herbs to create a powerful love potion that would make her irresistible to Kevin.”

[From the National Enquirer, Dec. 24 2007 print edition]

Delicious. And absolutely true I bet. Not the part about the potion working, but absolutely true that Britney’s consulting a psychic to make one. When your IQ is 73 (okay I picked 73 at random, but I defy any of you to prove me wrong… and keep in mind, the average American’s IQ is about 100, and Forest Gump’s was 80 – ever point counts) you’ll pretty much believe anything. That psychic could tell Britney that her kids were not carried in her womb but rather were spit out by the sun and Britney would believe it. And then pay the psychic $10,000 for the privileged information.

According to the Enquirer, the plan doesn’t seem to be working, as it required Britney to get Kevin to agree to come to Hawaii for New Years, at which time one of them would slip him the potion. Kevin apparently isn’t having any of it – and when Kevin Federline is too smart to fall for your tricks, it’s time to check into the state hospital. HEAR THAT BRITNEY SPEARS! YOU NEED TO CHECK INTO A HOSPITAL!!

Picture note by Jaybird: Header of Britney last night visiting a gas station on Sunset Boulevard where she purchased a packet of cigarettes and a lighter before heading to Raffles L’hermitage. Image thanks to WENN.

On the Internet auction site eBay you can buy a lot of junk. The first thing sold on the site, originally named AuctionWeb, was a broken laser pointer for $14.83. When the seller asked the buyer why he wanted a broken laser pointer, he replied “I collect them”.

There’s a lot of junk on eBay sold that’s related to Britney, nearly 10,000 more items last week than were sold under Paris’ name.

The number of Spears-related items sold at the online auction site totaled 34,345, compared with 27,377 items associated with Hilton, eBay said this week.

Items associated with Spears ranged from signed CDs to disposable lighters featuring her likeness. Among the Hilton-related items sold: a toothbrush claimed to have been found in the hotel heiress’ trash.

Fragrances were the most popular product category sold for Spears and Hilton.

Both fared better than Lindsay Lohan. Her name was only associated with 8,099 items sold, according to eBay.

However, the three tabloid staples were all outslugged by baseballer Barry Bonds, who was pegged to 145,497 related items, including a grilled-cheese sandwich, which netted a winning bid of $US30.

Sydney Morning Herald

You know, I sometimes think that if I was Britney I might be crazy too. She’s had two children in quick succession, her marriage ended, her career was on the low and now it’s over, the paparazzi follow her everywhere and everyone wants to profit from her. I’d probably still wear underpants though, even at my most insane I normally only forget to put on a watch.

Some of the Britney related items sold online included photographs of her, CDs, her fragrances, and t-shirts featuring Britney bald with witty sayings. Once auctioned was a half eaten egg salad sandwich and corndog that Britney and Kevin Federline ate, which sold to goldenpalace.com for $520, known for its unusual eBay purchases.

Note by Celebitchy: Right now someone is auctioning off a small piece of a dress Britney once wore in a Pepsi commercial. At least the seller is realistic about the price. There are three bids and the item is currently priced at $4.25.

Remember how the owner of the salon where Britney shaved her hair was trying to auction it off on eBay for $1 million? The auction was removed either by the seller or by eBay, it’s unclear. Salon owner Esther Tognozzi launched a website BuyBritneysHair.com to try and make enough money to retire. It looks like Esther is still cutting and blowing dry, because the site is now down and we haven’t heard anything more about it.

Britney is shown driving with her dog on her lap outside the Four Seasons on 8/12/07. At least it’s not one of her kids. Thanks to WENN.

Britney still wants K-Fed back and is said to have told him that she doesn’t want him to have any more children without her. She’s recommended that he get a vesectomy to rule out any possibility of future Federlines, and was willing to get her tubes tied if he agreed. Kevin has a new girlfriend, Colin Farrel’s sex tape co-star and former playmate Nicole Narain. Britney is said to be worried that super-potent K-Fed is going to get her pregnant too, and has volunteered to pay for the cost of surgical sterilization. As Kevin is said to have told her, it’s not like he’s the one who needs to get fixed:

“After all that’s happened, Britney still wants to get back with Kevin - and she certainly doesn’t want him having any more children with anyone else,” said a source close to her.

“Britney even offered to pay for the vasectomy and promised to get her tubes tied if Kevin agreed to it. She told him: ‘You have four. You don’t need any more. Please think about it.’”

But Kevin - who has two boys with Britney, plus a son and daughter with ex-girlfriend, actress Shar Jackson - just laughed off Brit’s request, said the source.

“Kevin won’t get a vasectomy but thinks it’s a great idea for Britney to get her tubes tied. He told her: ‘Hell, no! No one is snipping me!’ He wants more Federlines,” said the source.

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, December 3, 2007]

It seems like Britney does shit just about every day that defies explanation, and this is uncharacteristically sane, if not selfish, of her. Kevin is not an ideal parent, but he’s a much better one than she is, even if his primary motivation initially seemed to be cash.

The FedEx can be seen on the cover of Details Magazine this month, where he’s lauded as number seven out of the top 45 men of the year. K-Fed and Larry Birkhead were named fathers of the year. Perez Hilton is also featured, so maybe it’s all tongue in cheek.

Header image of Britney pregnant with Sean Preston is thanks to Splash News.

This week’s Life & Style has a whole exclusive interview with Lynne Spears in which she seems to take several well-deserved underhanded verbal shots at Britney. Although Britney’s mom Lynne says she “blames herself” for Britney’s behavior, what she’s really doing is publicly acknowledging that her daughter is fucked up. By admitting her daughter has problems, she also seems to be letting us know that she’s not going to go easy on Britney in her upcoming tell-all book about her. Although Britney’s friend Sam Lufti claims the book is going to be about Lynne’s spiritual journey guiding Britney and Jamie Lynne’s careers or some shit, tabloids are hyping it, saying Britney is worried about the bombshells Lynne might come out with.

Britney has cut Lynne off from her money and seems to be enjoying spending it all on throwaway fashion and high end hotels each month, so Lynne has got to be ready to spill the beans. It’s doubtful that she can do any more damage to Britney than she’s managed to do on her own, but we’ll have to see.

Lynne cites her lack of involvement with Britney while she was touring as a teen, saying that she was too busy watching her other two kids to save Britney from an inevitable life of running over photographers’ feet and shopping and dining aimlessly, drifting to different four-star hotels each night:

For everything that’s gone wrong for Britney, “I blame myself,” Lynne says. “What mother wouldn’t?”

“I wish I’d been there more while she was touring,” Lynne says. “But I couldn’t be. I had the other kids [Britney’s brother, Bryan, now 30, and sister Jamie-Lynn, now 16] to look after.”

And while Lynne seems unable to explain exactly what went wrong while Britney was out of her care, her conscience is heavy. “I didn’t raise my children to have Hollywood careers,” she notes. “This all just exploded in my face, and big dreams become big headaches.” Again, she says, “I do blame myself…”

In the meantime, Lynne says she’s trying to help broker the peace by acting as a mediator between Britney and Kevin. “Here are two parents who care about their kids,” Lynne tells Life & Style. “They’re good people. While my daughter’s, Kevin’s and the boy’s interest at heart, I’m trying to bring them together, to bridge the gap. I think things are getting good.”

As for her own relationship with Britney… “We’ve reunited,” Lynne says. “We’re friends…” Still, she notes, she and Britney aren’t going to be moving in together any time shoon. “Britney’s not a keep-me-around person,” Lynne says. “I also have a 16-year-old to look after. I can’t be there for Britney all time.”

[From Life and Style, print edition, November 19, 2007]

I picture Lynne Spears saying all that in this faux-motherly tone, looking all innocent. What she’s really saying is “Britney is fucked up, maybe I screwed up but there’s nothing I can do about it at this point. I’m working with Kevin and the kids are ok.”

While we were ignoring Britney, she failed one of the drug tests she bothered to show up with and ran a red light while her kids and court-appointed monitor were in the car for one of her random drives, maybe not in that order, I can’t keep up. The drug test failure was attributed to one of the various prescription medications she’s on, with the most recent theory being that the adderral she takes for ADD caused her to test positive for amphetamines.

She also ran over a third person’s foot and has to attend an emergency hearing today for running that red light. It is thought that Kevin will ask for her rights to drive with her two boys in the car to be suspended. So Britney is getting as much driving time in as she can before it’s stripped from her. She was spotted out driving last night while wearing dark sunglasses, her two kids passed out in the back of the car, the court appointed monitor riding shotgun.

Thanks to WENN for these photos of Britney last night.

This article doesn’t technically break the Britney Spears ban, because a). It’s not really about her and b). I will be referring to her as Whitney Bears instead (kind of makes you think of Whitney Houston wearing a giant bearskin coat, doesn’t it? Maybe using the head as a hood?). Shar Jackson, the woman who gave birth to Kevin Federline’s first two children, won MTV’s “Celebrity Rap-Off” yesterday. Shar was considered by most to be the best rapper on there, but was up against “The Girls Next Door” Playboy playmate Kendra Wilkinson – and let’s be honest, showing your boobies will probably give you an unfair advantage.

Finding rap success in a way that ex Kevin Federline might envy, Shar Jackson was crowned last celebrity standing on MTV’s Celebrity Rap Superstar – beating out Playboy Bunny Kendra Wilkinson.

“I couldn’t believe it. I just knew Kendra had it since she was definitely a favorite.” Jackson told PEOPLE exclusively, “It’s hard to beat a Bunny!”

Jokes aside, Jackson reveled in the surprise victory: “I looked up at my kids and the look on their faces made me tear up. They were so proud of me.”

The reality show, which recently gave Jackson an outlet to bash Britney Spears, opened up new possibilities for the Moesha actress. “If I can have a career having fun, that’s just awesome,” she said about making a name for herself in music. “I really, really enjoy it. Why not?”

Celebrating at the wrap party with her family and even Federline’s parents, Jackson took a moment to remember what inspired her to join the show.

“I dedicate this whole thing to Lamont Bentley, who played my brother Hakeem on Moesha,” Jackson said, “He passed away in a car accident two years ago and what he really, really wanted to do was rap. So I did all of this in his honor.”

So what was Federline’s advice? “He just wished me luck and told me to kill ‘em.” Her kids sent her off with a more gentle approach. “They gave me a bunch of big kisses,” she said.

[From People]

A few weeks ago, Shar gave a really great performance of a rap she wrote called “Let it Blow” about Whitney Bears stealing her husband. A lot of people thought that’s the song that really won the contest for her. Her best moment was when she looked into the camera and said “They should have had me open up at the VMAs!” Frankly she’s pretty good, it probably would have been a better idea. Shar’s been pretty classy about the whole Whitney Bear going crazy/messing up her life/being a terrible mother/terrible person thing. It was interesting to see her real feelings come out – and in a productive way.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Shar performing “Let it Blow.”

I get kind of annoyed with celebrities chiming in with obvious statements like “Britney needs help with her addiction” “Lindsay needs help with her addiction” “Paris needs help with her drinking…” wait, am I starting to see a pattern here? Are a lot of starlets struggling with addiction? Huh. Anyway it’s really annoying when they think they’re making these profound statements that are really helpful, but Tatum O’Neal is a big exception, because she’s been in Britney’s shoes – in fact their case are eerily similar. O’Neal lost her kids to husband John McEnroe - a guy who was generally considered a douche bag (major temper, etc) – after she became addicted to heroin.

“Tatum O’Neal, who’s led her own troubled path on the road of motherhood, says that Britney Spears must get treatment and shield her children from media attention. She ‘needs to be in recovery and get her disease of addiction together,’ said O’Neal, 43, who can empathize with the 25-year-old pop star. ‘I relate to her and feel really sad for her,’ O’Neal told Entertainment Tonight in a interview to air Thursday.

“‘I did everything that she doesn’t want to do,’ said the Oscar-winning actress (for 1973’s Paper Moon, which costarred her father, Ryan O’Neal). ‘I did the drug testing … It was very humbling, but I wanted those kids back.’ In 1986, O’Neal wed tennis superstar John McEnroe, and the couple had three children: Kevin, Sean, and Emily. The couple divorced in 1992 and remain openly hostile toward one another. When O’Neal became a heroin addict in 1995, McEnroe took custody of their kids, something he has retained ever since. ‘Not being able to see my kids is like part of me is missing,’ a recovering O’Neal told PEOPLE in 2002. ‘Part of my soul is missing. Hopefully she will figure [it] out,’ O’Neal told ET. ‘But it’s going to be hard and she will do it publicly and that sucks.’”

[From People]

I will point out that Britney is pretty strongly courting the publicity (I mean she actually handed her kids over to Kevin Federline in a convertible, so the paparazzi could get lot of super-clear photos.) But I think O’Neal’s advice is really clear, and spot-on: Britney is going to have to humble herself. She’s going to have to do what the judge says. It seems like she’s locked in a parent/child power struggle, except Brit is the kid and the judge is her parent. Whatever he tells her to do, she does the opposite just to show him that she doesn’t have to listen. And while that’s never a good idea in a court of law, when your kids are at stake it really says something about you. I keep wondering what it’ll take Britney to realize she needs to let her ego go, but I’m still not sure what that’ll be.

Picture Note by Jaybird: Here’s Tatum with her son Kevin McEnroe. Images thanks to PR Photos.

You’ve undoubtedly heard by now that Britney Spears officially lost custody of her boys to Kevin Federline. Yesterday afternoon the judge upheld an earlier ruling that K-Fed will have full custody, with visitation rights for Britney. She must be accompanied by a social worker whenever she is in the presence of her children, and she is allowed to see them about every other day.

While K-Fed showed up at court for the judge’s ruling wearing a suit (and an eyepatch for some unknown reason), Britney could not be bothered to turn up and just sent her lawyer. She was not required to attend, but it sent a final message to the judge that she really couldn’t give a shit if she received custody or not. She didn’t take a required drug test or produce a valid driver’s license at the judge’s request, and those two factors are said to have lost her custody, along with all the other ways she defied court orders.

There was an article in the National Enquirer this week that Britney even walked out right in the middle of a custody hearing on September 17 when things weren’t going well for her. She stormed out without permission, and K-Fed was able to tell the judge after she left that he was “worried about her, and that’s why he had to fight for the kids.”

People are speculating that she’ll go back to rehab, and there’s even talk that she’ll return to the tough as nails facility in the Caribbean, Crossroads, where she left after a day in February, promptly returning to California to shave her head. I really doubt that’s true, given how she professed that she was forced into the much more luxurious Promises rehab by her manager and family, and said afterwards that she never needed treatment.

There was a story that her assistant, Alli, quit yesterday, but they were seen out together last night so that seems to be false.

Last night Britney checked into the Beverly Wilshire Hotel wearing a rumpled silky flower-print tank and shorts combo with white peep-toe pumps and carrying a fuschia purse. She looked fug and oblivious as usual, courting attention at any cost.

It’s unknown what Britney will do next, but she’ll surely try to top herself in one way or another as she continues to spiral out of control.

There is news of a sex tape taken without her knowledge, and while I doubt that story I can’t help but think she wouldn’t mind if something like that got out. She’s getting plenty of attention now, but it never seems to be quite enough for her.

Thanks to WENN for these pictures of Britney yesterday.

Britney Spears’ life just keeps getting worse and worse - and it’s mostly her own doing. An emergency hearing was called today - by who is unclear - and Brit lost all custody of her children, and was given visitation.

A court has ordered pop singer Britney Spears to give up custody of her children effective Wednesday at noon.

Spears’ former husband, Kevin Federline, is to retain custody of their two sons “until further order of the court,” according to a ruling by Superior Court Judge Scott Gordon.

It was not clear what led to Monday’s decision awarding Federline full custody. A transcript of the court proceedings was ordered sealed.

Last month, a judge ordered Spears, 25, to submit to random drug tests after finding she engaged in “habitual, frequent, and continuous use of controlled substances and alcohol.”

That order, also by Gordon, provided no details and did not name any drugs.

The former couple has been embroiled in a bitter custody fight over their sons, Sean Preston and Jayden. The parents had split custody 50-50, but Federline then asked for the arrangements to be shifted to 70-30 in his favor.

In addition to ordering the twice-weekly drug tests, Gordon ordered Spears to spend eight hours per week working with a “parenting coach,” who was to observe her interactions with her children.

Gordon also told both parents to avoid alcohol or “other non-prescription controlled substances” 12 hours before taking custody of the children.

He also barred the exes from making “derogatory remarks about the other party and the other party’s family or significant other” during the case.

And he ordered the parents to go through “joint co-parenting counseling” and barred them from using corporal punishment on the boys.”

[From CNN]

I wonder what she did that called everyone into court at the last minute. Clearly she’s craaaaaaaaazy and self-destructive, but that’s not exactly news. Several commentators on TV speculated that the judge might have seen what she’s been up to on TV, and called her in. She may also have failed her drug test… not exactly a big surprise. Who wants to place odds on Britney losing total custody within the next six months?

Note by Celebitchy: These are older pics of Britney, which is why she’s looking good. I think JayBird chose them to show that she wasn’t always this f’ed up.

K-Fed is out getting his groove on without attracting undue attention like his trainwreck ex, Britney. Last week there were stories in The Enquirer and Star that he had a cocaine-fueled party in Scottsdale, Arizona complete with random sex with various women. Also unlike Britney, K-Fed was careful not to let people take any pictures.

Now K-Fed may be settling down with one wild woman. He is said to be dating Nicole Narain, the former Playboy Playmate who starred in a sex tape with Colin Farrell and was most likely paid a nice sum not to release it. Nicole and K-Fed were seen out looking intimate at a couple of nightclubs, and she went home with him for a night that hopefully remains undocumented.

Nicole previously dated actor Colin Farrell, and a sex tape she reportedly made with the handsome actor has been circulating on the Internet.

At club Opera, Nicole and Kevin put on their own show - kissing on the dance floor.

K-Fed had to leave early, but just two nights later he arranged to meet the beauty at another L.A. club, Area.

“They sat on the couch…” revealed a source… “She kissed him a few times.”

Later, says the insider, Nicole spent the night at Kevin’s house.

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, October 1, 2007]

It could have just been a one night thing, but maybe these two will last and K-Fed will have someone else besides Shar and Britney’s mom to help out with the kids once he inevitably gets primary custody. At that point I see a reality show in the works. He was said to be shopping one around, and if he’s got the boys the E! Network will be all over that.

Meanwhile Britney is still driving around and running into stuff despite reports that she was cited for driving without a license. She was seen driving with one headlight out and a visible dent in the right side of her yesterday, and that wasn’t related to her parking lot fender bender last month. She also drove the wrong way down a one way street with her kids in the back and had to be told by paparazzi to turn around.

Compared to Britney, this new woman K-Fed is dating seems like a smart entrepreneur if all she was doing was trying to release a sex tape with Farrell. Britney supposedly got with Farrell too, back when she was in her “virgin” phase. I wonder if Farrell and K-fed have similar qualities that make the same women attracted to them. Back before Britney’s downfall I would have picked Farrell over K-Fed any day, but now I can sort of see Fedex’s creepy appeal.

K-Fed is shown in the header image at the Financially Hung Black Card Launch Party on 9/14/07. Nicole Narain is shown at the 2003 Vibe Awards. Thanks to PRPhotos.