There was a crazy story today in ETOnline that the FBI and LAPD were conducting an investigation into “legitimate leads” that there was a hit out on K-Fed’s life. I honestly didn’t think of Britney at all when I heard that, and assumed that there must be a lot of people who would pay good money to off the guy. The way they phrase it makes it seem like a well-sourced story, and one they wouldn’t repeat lightly:

Multiple sources tell ET that the FBI made attempts to contact Federline to inform him of the potential danger.

Sources within the FBI tell ET that this is the bureau’s standard operating procedure when someone’s life is threatened.

ET has been working this story for the past two months. When contacted, the FBI told us that the bureau cannot confirm or deny an investigation.

[ETOnline.com]

Right before a secret witness was called this morning in a custody hearing, Britney’s lawyer, Laura Wasser, abruptly quit. It’s really not news when someone who works for Britney quits at a crucial moment, because she always manages to piss off people enough that they decide that no amount of money is worth the craziness and humiliation that go along with working for Brit.

Wasser may have had a very good reason to get the hell out of there before the ish hit the fan - there are rumors that the hit on K-Fed’s life was put out by none other than Britney - and that the secret witness submitted a sworn statement to that!

Our guy down at the courthouse today tells us a celeb news magazine show had a producer there for the hearing in Britney and Kevin’s custody case where uber-attorney Gloria Allred was to produce a ’secret witness’ and the mic-holder was yelling out questions about allegations of Britney having hired a hitman to kill Kevin Federline?!!! What?!

Even Allred looked shocked and she seemed to have no idea what this ill-informed producer was talking about and we’re pretty certain that info is totally WACK!

Anyway, we’ve got tape of all of this AND an ID on the ’secret witness’ coming soon!

[From X17online.com]

Maybe Britney used her pea-sized brain to figure out that five alimony payments at $20k each would be more than the going rate for having her ex offed. That would have been a bargain compared to years of ongoing payments.

If this is true Britney could be the fourth young female celebridiot to face jail time - and it’s not going to be two days in the slammer if she conspired to kill her husband. I wondered why it was taking so long for her to get arrested when she’s more of a trainwreck than Paris, Lohan and Nicole combined. Maybe she’ll try and get pregnant by whatever guy will have her in order to avoid a longer sentence. That’s probably the only strategy she’ll be able to come up with to deal with this mess.

This whole circus is about to get a hell of a lot more interesting.

Update: The LAPD and FBI both deny any investigation into a possible hit on K-Fed. Damn, I really loved this story.

K-Fed has gone all “I’m a good dad, I’m going to show everyone you’re crazy” on us, and that’s okay as long as it’s true. But he’s super hardcore about punishing and humiliating Britney Spears legally. I guess that’s okay if there’s truth behind all the accusation flying about, and it’s not some massive blindfold put on us by his attack dog lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan. But not only does K-Fed want to serve all of Britney’s friends, employees, and business associates with Israeli-commando delivered subpoenas, but he wants Britney to pay for him to do it to her.

“Kevin Federline’s lawyer wants Britney Spears to pay some of her ex-husband’s legal expenses in their divorce case, court documents show.

“Attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan said in an Aug. 26 declaration that Federline has ‘no net income’ after various expenses, and that his spousal support of $20,000 a month ends in November. Spears, meanwhile, brings in an average monthly income of $737,868.

“Spears is ‘clearly the ‘monied party’ in the dispute and should pay $50,000 for Federline’s litigation expenses, Kaplan argued.

[From the Washington Post]

K-Fed should probably work on getting some of his own income, since his spousal support is ending in two months. I didn’t realize it would be so soon – and that definitely raises a small cloud of suspicion over his real motivations. This makes it sound like I’m on Britney’s team, which I’m not, but it is a super slap in the face if she’d have to pay for K-Fed’s lawyers that are working to legally humiliate her. Though she certainly manages to publicly humiliate herself all on her own.

K-Fed’s commandos FINALLY managed to find and serve Britney’s former manager, Larry Rudolph. Rudolph admitted that he was in hiding to avoid being served, and had been in New York City for quite a while. Apparently he must have some very damming testimony regarding Britney’s mental health of childcare skills if he flew to the other coast. Though he and Britney aren’t working together (and she’s blamed him for being forced into rehab, after which she fired him from his job as her manager … and fired her mom from her job as her mother) he supposedly doesn’t want to testify against her or do anything that would make life worse for her either.

“While Spears’ career Svengali told E! News anchor Ryan Seacrest earlier this week that he had spent the past few weeks on the run from Federline’s process server, his incognito skills are either sorely lacking, or he gave up the game, finally getting slapped with the paperwork at the West Los Angeles branch of the Sunset Tan tanning salon Thursday morning.

“Over the weekend, Rudolph expressed his reticence at testifying in the case to Seacrest, saying he wished to remain loyal to the tabloid trainwreck despite his rocky professional relationship with the singer, with whom he has twice parted ways. He told Seacrest that, should he be made to testify, it “won’t be good for Britney.”

“In a statement issued to That Other Blog later in the week, Rudolph said he didn’t take personally some of Spears’ comments directed at him in the media, namely that forcing her into rehab was Rudolph’s brainchild, saying, “I understand where she’s coming from.”

“Rudolph also said that despite her recent, and intense, downward spiral in the public eye, ;my loyalty will always stay strong with Britney…I do understand that eventually the time will come when they will find me, but until then, I’m trying to avoid being brought into this mess.’”

[From E! News]

Larry Rudolph is a pretty nice guy for staying loyal to Britney, and deserves her speaking better about him. What’s ultimately best for Sean Preston and Jayden James is the truth, no matter what. If Rudolph does have some particularly damming evidence, it should come out.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Larry Rudolph with Brit in February in NYC. Header image of K-fed in Times Square earning his bling promoting Virgin Mobile. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Normally I would be pretty hesitant about a claim that a celebrity would kidnap their kids – I mean they’re famous, it’s not like they can hide out like the rest of us. But Britney Spears threw logic to the wind a long time ago, and at this point I would put absolutely nothing past her. MSNBC seems to think there’s some credibility to the story that Britney Spears has threatened to disappear with her kids – they’ve quoted the Star story in their article about the crazed singer.

“Just when it looked like the custody battle for Jayden James and Sean Preston couldn’t get much uglier, Star reports that Britney Spears might take her kids on the run. ‘Britney told Kevin to look out because one day, when she has them she just may disappear forever!’ a Federline family insider told the magazine. ‘Kevin is freaked out and wants to get a restraining order on her. He has one of the kids’ nannies reporting back on whatever happens!’

“The exes currently share equal custody, but Britney isn’t beyond taking the kids without their father’s permission, Star points out. She even didn’t mention her recent Las Vegas family field trip to Federline, even though neither is supposed to take the kids out of Los Angeles County without written permission from the other parent. ‘Kevin is afraid that Britney could take off at any moment with the kids,’ says another Star insider. ‘That’s why he wants to hurry and finalize their custody agreement!’

“Just how far would Britney go to keep the kids away from K-Fed? ‘She told Kevin she’d split to another country, probably France,’ says the magazine’s source. ‘Kevin feels she could pull it off with enough money and the right connections!’”

[From MSNBC.com]

Alright well that proves just how stupid they both are. Britney thinks she might kidnap her kids, and K-Fed thinks she could get away with it. He has about 2000 free private investigators stationed throughout the world – it’s called the paparazzi. Someone could escape the law, they could escape the government, but no way can you hide from the paps. Especially when you’re Britney Spears, there’s just too high a price on her head. And if she’s dumb enough to tell Federline what country she’s planning on going to, I doubt her threat will pan out. It is funny that she picked a nice, comfortable country with good shopping. If she’d named a country that is a little less of a tourist destination – say the unknown parts of wintry Russia, then I’d think she was at least willing to make a sacrifice. It looks like Britney’s mixing up the words “kidnapping” with “moving.” And I’m pretty sure you can’t take the nannies, drivers, housekeepers, and drug mules when you kidnap your kids.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s K-Fed partying at Tao on Monday night. Apparently his VIP section was filled with ladies, according to Splash. Header image of Britney making one of her classy faces while trying to find parking a few days ago. Thanks to Splash for the photos.

K-Fed means business. Or at least his lawyer does. Apparently serving Alli Sims and J.R. Rotem was just the first wave in the attack. He’s now going after Britney’s employees.

“Now that his rap career is as dead as his ex-wife’s brain cells, Kevin Federline is keeping busy by handing out subpoenas. The latest Britney Spears associate to be caught up in the couple’s court chaos is Damion Shippen, the singer’s former bodyguard/manny.

“Last night (Aug 13), Shippen was served two subpoenas by K-Fed’s lawyer, ordering him to testify in the contentious custody trial surrounding the couple’s two sons, Sean Preston, 23 months, and Jayden, 11 months, reports Us Weekly.

“A source tells the magazine that K-Fed is counting on Shippen to testify to Britney’s poor parenting, since he “is in a unique position having worked with Britney for a long time and has incredible knowledge of her parenting skills and comings and goings.”

“Shippen’s subpoena surprise comes just days after Spears’s childhood friend, Alli Sims, was also ordered to testify. According to the source, Spears can expect more of her loyal hanger-ons/enablers to be served.”

[From Dose.ca]

That presents quite the ethical dilemma. Mark Vincent Kaplan must really have something on Brittney if he believes he can get her employees to talk. Former paid friends are one thing, but current ones? Let’s hope they’d be honest no matter what, but let’s be real. Are you going to talk trash, on the record, about your current employer? One who’s a bit unstable and known to fire people on a whim? Unless you’re independently wealthy, probably not.

It seems that Britney’s younger sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, is also squarely on K-Fed’s side. That’s not much of a surprise, since her mother and the rest of her immediate family seem to be on his team. That’s the biggest reason I think there must be good reason why he should get custody of their sons. Britney’s family must be aware of issues unknown to the general public. I doubt K-Fed was able to dupe them into switching loyalties - I just don’t think he’s that skilled in subtly manipulating people’s emotions. Though he is known as the Svengali of the rap world.

“The battle lines are being drawn as Britney Spears and Kevin Federline prepare for what may be a nasty child custody war. Life & Style Weekly is now reporting that even her immediate family is now supporting Kevin. Brit’s sister, Jamie Lynn, is deeply frustrated and she is set to bail on Britney.

“The little sister is extremely upset that Britney hasn’t cleaned up her act since leaving rehab. On Aug. 9, “The Insider” says, she called her big sister to tell Brit she’d brought Kevin’s actions upon herself. “Jamie Lynn sobbed, ‘You wanted those babies, and look what you’re doing! I’m glad Kevin’s going to take them!’”

[From the National Ledger]

Who would have imagined that Britney’s life would have gotten worse and more trashtastic after she left K-Fed? Didn’t we all breathe a big sigh of relief when their split was announced? Her family was completely behind the split, in fact by some accounts they really forced the issue. Now they’re on K-Fed’s side? Does anyone else think they must know some pretty big – and pretty bad – details about Brit to turn on her like that? The sympathetic part of me hopes that this just forces her to get her act together, because I can’t imagine many things worse than losing custody of your kids. But I think she needs to reprioritize her life and see how truly lucky she is.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s K-Fed with Britney’s mom, Lynne Spears, along with a picture of Brit out and about last week. [Star Magazine, print edition, August 20, 2007]. Header image of K-Fed looking extra cocky/douchey while hosting his birthday party at Pure in March. Image thanks to PR Photos.

Paparazzi agency x17, who are all up Britney Spear’s butt since she granted them an odd exclusive interview in which she mocked her ex manager in a faux Valley Girl accent, have another exclusive with a source “close to Britney,” only identified by the name Jeff. The guy spoke to their photographer instead of getting massive coin for a tell-all with just about any gossip rag, because he wanted “to set the record straight.”

They supposedly coaxed him to talk about Britney when they spotted him leaving Winston’s Friday night out the back door while Britney and Alli left from the front. He is most likely someone who works for her, as is everyone who is close to her lately, but that was not mentioned.

He basically says that Britney is a great mom, that she cares a a lot about her kids and only goes out when she’s not watching them during the week. He also says that she never does drugs. As for her relationship with Kevin, he was hardly ever around when she was married to him, although she wanted to stay with him for the sake of their kids.

The guy said Britney shaved her head because Kevin told her that he would have her drug tested in their custody battle. K-Fed told her that her hair would show that she was smoking pot just because she inhaled his second hand smoke.

Oh and Britney didn’t need to go to rehab at all and never tested positive for drugs. Her family and then-manager forced her to go, as she claimed, says this guy. She was reported to have suffered from postpartum disorder because they didn’t have any proof that she was on any kind of drugs. Britney’s family and management threatened to take away her children if she didn’t stay at Promises:

On Britney’s family — our source says, “They have issues of their own that they need to work on. They need to quit blaming Britney.” He’s totally “turned off by Britney’s family at the moment” He’s also somewhat disappointed in her mom for being so naive and trusting the people that Britney fired rather than trusting her own daughter. It was due to the influence of Larry Rudolph on her family that Britney was forced in to rehab and while she was there, according to “Jeff.” He also claims Promises staff administered medication on Britney despite a record of constantly clean drug tests that showed no traces of anything in her body. He says Promises quickly backed off from the accusations of drug and alcohol abuse and then claimed postpartum depression after the drug results were clean, but either way … Britney was FORCED to stay in rehab because her family, her manager and officials at Promises were all threatening to take away her children unless she completed the treatment program. “I think Lynne does love her daughter, however I also believe Britney’s anger towards her is justified. But come on, all moms and daughters have their arguments. Britney is just upset right now, her family needs to just be there when she’s ready to call upon them.”

So why’d Britney shave her head? — Kevin taunted Britney that even his smoking of marijuana in her presence (Jeff showed us a pic of Kevin on his phone of Kev with a joint in his hands, partying with his friends) would leave traces of the drug that could be picked up by drug testing when they lived together and he threatened to use that against her in a custody battle. After Britney shaved her head, she begged her mom and Kevin to test the hair from the salon however no one went to claim it. Instead, Larry and her family staged an intervention in a hotel room with the same interventionist that put Britney’s father Jamie in rehab and also worked with her brother. Britney begged for them to give her a drug test but eventually felt there was no other option but to enter a treatment program to prove to her family that she was clean and to protect herself from any unfounded accusations in a potential custody battle. Britney met with attorneys over a month ago regarding legal action against Promises. “I think she certainly has a case against the rehab center, I feel what they did to her was not only cruel and embarrassing it added more ammunition aiding Kevin’s eagerness for custody over her finances, whoops I mean children.”

[From X17 Online]

This guy is probably just trying to protect his ass by saying these nice things about Britney since he’s still working for her and all. I bet that he’s partially right, though. From what I’ve heard of her behavior she doesn’t deserve to lose custody of her boys to K-Fed. They haven’t proven that she’s on drugs or that she’s neglecting her boys, and the tabloids are only looking foolish by pointing out that OMG she left a restaurant at 10:30 with her boys in tow! 10:30? Is that all you’ve got? She probably brought her kids with her because she didn’t want to be apart from them. She could have easily left them at the house with a nanny or bodyguard.

I used to be all gung-ho on K-Fed getting full custody, but the more the gossip rags bash her for minor things and make up stories like she’s taking drug lollipops, the less I believe the crap I read about her. She may not take good care of her children’s teeth, or she may make dumb mistakes like giving them sugar soda, but who knows if that is true and that’s certainly not a reason to take someone’s children from them. Sure she’s a mess, rude as hell, and behaves erratically, but how much of that is true and how much is exaggerated to move magazines?

I don’t care much for the woman, and I think she’s a waste of press, but that doesn’t mean her children should be taken away. As a mother, that would surely be devastating to her. I haven’t seen Britney commit anything close to neglect or abuse apart from the dumb ass lap-driving incident, and that was just carelessness. She isn’t the best mom, but she’s far from the worst one, either.

There will undoubtedly be new pictures of Britney soon, but the latest pictures of her on Splash are from last week Tuesday, which does say that she hasn’t been going out the past few days or at least that the paparazzi haven’t found her.

Update I spoke too soon. Britney was photographed out last night with Jayden James, and she flashed her panties again. Thanks to INFDaily for these pics. Used by permission.

Britney Spears’ re-hired cousin/assistant Alli Sims got served with a subpoena at a house party in L.A. late Saturday night. Britney’s music producer/sorta ex-boyfriend JR Rotem was also served at the party – by an ex-Israeli commando. How did that happen, you ask? Well it turns out that K-Fed’s celebrity lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, likes the drama a little more than he lets on. He hired Aaron Cohen of IMS Security – a business made up entirely of ex-Israeli commandos – to serve Sims and Rotem. I’m scared just writing that sentence. That dude must be pissed and making a major power play, to go all-out like that. Most people don’t like being served, and some will go all-out to avoid it. According to US Weekly, Sims and Rotem tried to leave the party in a car, and the Israeli commando followed them, finally shoving the subpoenas through an open car window after arguing with her. It’s a good thing for Cohen that you don’t have to get a signature.

“A visibly upset Sims attempted to avoid being served, and she and Rotem began to argue with Cohen. But, as an eyewitness reports, Cohen was not deterred by Sims’ denials and was forced to throw the subpoena through an open car window as Sims and Rotem fled in a friend’s car. Spears was spotted leaving the same party moments later and eventually joined Sims and Rotem at her Beverly Hills home.”

[From US Weekly]

Britney was also at the party and was said to be royally pissed. I’m pretty sure that was K-Fed’s lawyer’s intent, so it worked out well for him. E! News gives a little more information on the events Saturday night.

“Alli Sims, Spears’ honorary cousin, off-on personal assistant and wannabe pop star, was subpoenaed at a Hollywood house party early Sunday in connection with Spears’ ongoing custody battle with Kevin Federline, a source confirmed to E! News.

“Sims, who recently returned to the post of Spears’ right-hand woman after being briefly displaced earlier this year, was served with the legal papers just after 2:30 a.m. Sunday while leaving a party in the Hollywood Hills. While Spears was also in attendance at the party, the star did not witness the serving.

“The deposition subpoena, issued at the behest of Federline’s attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, requires Sims to testify about Spears’ parenting skills in the ex-couple’s custody case and was served guerrilla-style by IMS-Security’s Aaron Cohen.”

[From E! News]

K-Fed filed for sole custody of his sons last Wednesday in Los Angeles Superior Court, and the next hearing is scheduled for tomorrow. Boy, those baby bottles filed with beer and Cheetos sandwiches aren’t going to look so good in court. “But your Honor, it’s light beer!”

“Kaplan is expected to question Sims on everything from what and how frequently Spears feeds sons Sean Preston, 22 months, and Jayden James, 10 months, how late they are allowed to stay up, how much time Spears spends caring for the boys and Spears’ party habits.

“But the 26-year-old Sims may not be the most impartial witness. While there is some question to whether they are blood relations, the two grew up together in Louisiana and have been inseparable for much of Spears’ tenure in Hollywood.

“Even after Sims left Spears’ employ earlier this year, she had nothing but glowing things to say about Spears. Sims told People earlier this month that Spears is ‘a wonderful mom and she is so hands-on…Britney loves those babies to death. And they adore her.’”

[From E! News]

I think it’s the “death” part that Federline is worried about. Back in the good old days, we used to make fun of K-Fed for being a money-hungry, pot-smoking layabout. It’s hard to say whether or not that’s still true, but he’s definitely the lesser of two evils. Britney has just gone crazy, and seems to be a haphazard mother at best. Remember a few weeks ago when she was screaming at that photographer to lose some weight, calling him a fat f*%$ while her kids were in the back of her car, sobbing? Probably not the best prioritizing. Mark Vincent Kaplan told US “’Kevin would like to have as much custody as he could because he feels that the children would benefit from that.’” It seems really hard to argue with that lately. I really wanted to hate Kevin Federline. I think the majority of the world agrees with me. We all tried, we really did, and thanks to Britney Spears, we’ve failed.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Alli Sims with Britney and Sean P at the Millennium Dance Studios awhile back. I just thought I’d put up a more visually-pleasing picture of Britney for the header, since all the new ones are gross and I’m eating lunch. Header shows Britney in happier times, at the 14th Annual Glamour Women Of The Year in 2003. Images thanks to PR Photos.

A new article in Vanity Fair features profiles and interviews with some of the guys made famous for dating the tabloid darlings - Paris, Nicole, Britney, Lohan and Mischa. Their small Hollywood circle of debauchery and wasted opportunity is frequently referred to as a high school clique, in which Paris serves as the unofficial head Heather.

Titled “I’m With Her,” the article isn’t about the celebrities’ boyfriends so much as a recap of the shenanigans that we’ve publicly witnessed in the last few event-filled months. Not much was news to me, but it was fun to read a somewhat scholarly take on the fast pace of gossip.

The author, Nancy Jo Sales, details the way that dating a star can skyrocket a guy to fame - with a cost. The guys become known for banging the stars and not for their own maybe-talent. We all know what people said about kept man crap-rapper K-Fed, but he did seem to deserve the jokes at his expense, and he’s recovered nicely now that Britney’s gone down the shitter.

Cisco Adler, Mischa Barton’s goofy looking big-balled ex, is interviewed and comes off as a rather level-headed guy who isn’t too affected by all the talk about him. He says that he didn’t date Mischa because she was famous, and that he was just awed by her beauty. Cisco tells a sweet story about how he used to look at Mischa when she woke up in the morning. He says that his relationship with Mischa was the first time he didn’t cheat on a girlfriend, and that it was all the external factors that go along with fame that broke them up. Cisco also uses the old “they’re young and it’s hard to deal with fame” excuse to explain LohitneyParis’ bad behavior. His ex, Mischa Barton, doesn’t seem to have followed suit, though:

“I’m not some serial star-dater,” he protests. “Mischa’s the most beautiful girl on the planet. Sometimes I would wake up and see her on the pillow next to me and be like, Oooh, there she is …

“It wasn’t us that broke us up, it was all the other shit…”

Cisco says, “Look, they’re young, these girls, and they’re thrown this bucket of shit, and it makes them act kind of weird. If they were all locked in a room together they’d come out the best of friends.”

“Really?” I ask.

“Well maybe,” he says, “if they lived.”

It isn’t easy being a boyfriend of one of these much-sought-after starlets, Cisco says. “There’s no privacy. We were literally running away from paparazzi. They would camp outside my house.” When he’d finally had enough, he ended it, he says. “My dog died of pet-food poisoning, I broke up with my girlfriend, and this picture of my balls turns up on the Internet—that was the cherry on top.” Or maybe cherries.

He wistfully admits he misses Mischa. “I used to be a horrible cheater; in this last relationship I didn’t cheat once, I changed. Sometimes I used to cheat and go back and make love with my girlfriend on the same day! I used to get off on that. I used to think I was so dope.”

[From VanityFair.com]

Other famous boyfriends interviewed include rockers Joel Madden and Pete Wentz, who didn’t acknowledge at the time (the interview was conducted a few months ago) that he was with Ashlee Simpson. He just repeated the claim that he doesn’t think anyone is fully heterosexual or homosexual, and said he was dating a woman and that she was famous.

The interview saves the most famous star-fucker for last, K-Fed. At that point he wasn’t the standout parent in his estranged relationship with Britney, and was just emerging as less of a douchebag. They repeat the story where K-Fed was at a party and asked his next baby-momma to step up. There’s not much original printed from his phone interview, just the fact that he asserts he’s a playa:

“My moms used to call me ‘the Womanizer’ when I was younger. That says it all,” an amiable Federline tells me on the phone from his home in L.A. “I love women. I mean, I love women, you know?”

Maybe K-Fed should talk to Pete Wentz, who has a legitimate music career and is not so quick to assert his heterosexuality. Not that there’s any connection between the two, it’s just kind of jr. high when guys talk about how much they like getting laid.

Interestingly enough none of Lohan’s exes are interviewed, although many of her hookups including Pink Taco CEO Harry Morton and British reality star Calum Best are mentioned. Morton enjoyed a lot of free publicity for his food chain from his very public dalliance with Lindsay. He seems to have got the hell out of there in time to keep his sanity too. That seems to be key to dating one of the three disgraces effectively.

Thanks for Vanity Fair for the header photo, taken by Lohan’s ex, director Brett Ratner, in his disco basement.

It’s weird that Kevin Federline is starting to seem not just like the better parent, but like a good parent. He’s done a good job of staying out of the public eye the last few months. Not only do you not see him out with his idiot friends or partying at clubs lately, you also don’t see him out using his kids as photo ops. Not to be too gullible, but that makes you wonder if maybe his motivations are decent. I mean how easy would it be to plop the kids in the car and take them to the park for the paparazzi? He’s been laying low, and from most reports has aligned himself with the entire Spears family – minus Britney of course. Now that the two are officially divorced, Federline’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan had a few statements about K-Fed’s plans here on out.

“’When they are with him, he is going to shield his children from unwanted media attention,’” Kaplan said. “’You will not find a picture of Kevin parading with the children out in a public place.

“’He’s focused right now on being the best parent that he can be,’” the attorney added.

[From the Washington Post]

As of right now, K-Fed and Britney will have 50/50 custody of their kids, and she will pay him $15,000 monthly in child support and an additional $20,000 in monthly spousal maintenance. For some reason even though their divorce is final, their child custody isn’t, and K-Fed is supposedly going after full custody – with the support of Britney’s family. When his lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan was questioned about the financial settlement, he pointed out that famous people just plain need more money than the rest of us.

“However, Kaplan said Federline’s life as a celebrity father comes with different demands than many other fathers face, including huge expenses. When they go out, Kaplan said, there must be a nanny and security guards.

“’There are people you have to pay so your kids can pretend they’re like everyone else,” said Kaplan. “When you are a celebrity parent, there are financial dynamics that others not familiar with it can’t understand.’”

[From the Washington Post]

That’s fair. Though I really have doubts abut how much of that monthly $25,000 is going to security vs. mansion mortgage payments and diamond-encrusted trucker hats, but at this point, what’s his is his. He’s certainly the lesser of two evils, and perhaps (surprisingly) has the potential to be a good parent. That’d be awesome, because Britney’s kids will really need someone good in their lives to balance all the crazy.

Note by Celebitchy: Sorry for chiming in so much on JayBird’s posts, but I really don’t feel like writing an entire post about this. Both US Weekly and Life and Style are running stories about what a shitty parent Britney is in light of that big fight her bodyguard got into, which resulted in Sean Preston being hurt. US is saying she tried to get Sean Preston’s teeth whitened. This isn’t new information, and came out a few months ago in an OK! Magazine article about her nanny tell-all. It is news to me that she gets him to fetch cigarettes for her, calling them her “lollipops.” Oh and she also threatened to kill a photographer. That is all.

Header image thanks to TMZ.

This is a scan from The National Enquirer. Article concerns a claim by News of the World. The validity of each is pretty much a toss up.

It sounds like British rag News of The World is just taking tabloid reports about Britney to the next level. They claim she freaked out at the beginning of the week, wrote 666 on her head, and unsuccessfully tried to hang herself with a sheet from a light fixture in her room at that spa rehab Promises. Then the love of K-Fed saved her and she now wants another one of his babies to ignore. If this is true why are they the only source reporting it?

In a week of rehab madness the bonkers beauty wrote the number of the beast, 666, on her shaved head before running round the clinic screaming “I am the Antichrist!” at frightened staff.

“Later that night she tried to kill herself,” a friend told us. “She attached a sheet to a light and tied it around her neck. Paramedics were called, but luckily she was unhurt.”

But within days out-of-control Britney had swung from SUICIDAL to MATRIMONIAL as she told hubby Kevin Federline she wanted to take him back, renew their wedding vows and get PREGNANT.

The unpredictable 25-year-old star is now planning a new life for them and their two children in Louisiana as she sees out her stay at the Promises Clinic in Malibu, California.

A source close to the clinic said: “Britney has realised what a rock Kevin has been to her, and how out of control she has acted recently.

“She has been talking to Kevin every night for hours on the phone, telling him she still loves him.

“She just wants to be with him again, and thinks having another baby will seal their marriage.

“Britney seems much happier and has calmed down a lot. She’s a completely different Britney from the beginning of the week.”

Staff at the addiction clinic will be relieved.

Most of the US gossip rags are reporting that Britney and K-Fed are going to renew their vows once she gets out of rehab. In Touch speculates that she’s suicidal, but it just sounds like they’re jumping to conclusions. If she tried to hang herself earlier in the week we would have heard about it by now. Add the news that she’s clamoring for another baby and it sounds ridiculous. News of the World is just raising the gossip bar to sell papers.

News of the World also claims that Britney was said to be hooked on crystal meth, which isn’t that much of a stretch given her crazed behavior. We’ll have to see how she fares in rehab. She will hopefully kick drugs and booze but she also needs to gain some common sense and modesty. At least she’s on the right track.

Pictures are scans from National Enquirer and Star magazine found at BreatheHeavy.com.

The National Enquirer and Star Magazine claim to have the real reason behind K-Fed’s refusal to let Britney into his house shortly before she went to rehab. They say his ex and the mother of his two other children, Shar Jackson, was at his house helping him care for Britney’s two infant boys. They say that Shar wants K-Fed back, and if Britney found out she’s watching her children she’ll freak out as she’s still jealous of her.

What’s more, they claim K-Fed is telling Britney he’ll reconcile with her once she successfully completes rehab, and that’s what convinced her to give it a third try.

The Enquirer story also says that if Britney doesn’t finish rehab and sober up properly her family plans to commit her to a mental hospital.

The Enquirer has learned that while Britney is in Promises, her hubby Kevin Federline’s ex-lover, actress Shar Jackson, has been helping take care of their boys!

Britney is unaware of that fact, and people close to her don’t want her to find out because they are already concerned about her staying in rehab.

“Britney doesn’t think she has a problem. She agrees to go into rehab only because Kevin promised they’d be back together with their babies if she finished the program,” revealed a source close to the couple.

“Kevin has convinced Britney that he still loves her. He’s talked about all the things they’ll do when she gets out.

“But if Britney doesn’t stay in Promises, her family will put her in a mental health facility…”

“Shar has been at Kevin’s house helping him with the boys… Britney is terrified Kevin will get back with Shar. If Britney finds out what’s going on, she’ll go ballistic. There’s no doubt she’ll bolt from Promises and go running to get the kids.”

[National Enquirer print edition, March 12, 2007]

The article claims that Britney threatened to leave rehab if K-Fed and the kids didn’t visit her, and that’s why they were seen there last weekend. K-Fed has supposedly promised Britney that they’ll renew their wedding vows if she is successful at rehab.

I’m not sure I buy all that about Britney’s family wanting to commit her to a mental hospital, but it could be true that Shar is helping with the children. Maybe a paparazzo saw her leave K-Fed’s house when the kids were there. Star magazine says that Shar is trying to win Kevin’s affection and that she even cooked him his favorite meal, pasta and a dessert of carrot cake, for Valentine’s day.

There have been several stories lately about Britney and K-Fed getting back together. While I would like to think that they’re made up, there seems to be some truth to them. I wouldn’t put it past K-Fed to be sleeping with his ex Shar and getting her to watch the kids while promising Britney that he’ll reunite with her if she completes rehab.

Meanwhile Brooke Shields has offered Britney her help after hearing that she is reading her book about postpartum depression, “Down Came the Rain.” She said “If [Britney] is reading my book, I hope it’s helping her. If it’s not, and she wants to talk to someone, I’m available.”