Kevin Federline’s new single is a mess. He uses other talent for most of the rapping, which makes it more mature than Papazoa and that other shitty song he had out. (Which isn’t saying much.) It’s too fast, though, and not catchy at all.

I don’t know much about rap, but I know what sounds good and this is just repetitive without being memorable. They mix in way too many samples and it’s pretty awful.

Kevin Federline has been quoted talking about a magazine he and Britney plan on launching that will counter the gossip and fake news made up by the tabloids:

This sounds like one of those things you talk about with your spouse when you’ve had a few, like “Wouldn’t it be great if I started my own business?” and then they go and tell your friends about it when you haven’t really thought it through and didn’t want the news to come out.

I really doubt Britney and Kevin are clever enough to harness the talent to start a huge venture like this. Britney couldn’t even accept help getting prepared for a primetime TV interview, so this unlikely to happen.

Remember when Britney was said to be creating her own line of baby clothing and even took out a trademark for it? What happened with that?

She’s suing a bunch of tabloids from overseas in the hopes of getting some cash, so that’s probably where she got this half-baked idea.

I already published these pictures of Britney at Kevin’s Pure video shoot, but the only other recent pictures are blurry ones of Britney driving around talking on her cell phone, which seem too lame to post.

A very pregnant and much classier-looking Britney Spears made an appearance at Pure nightclub at Ceasar’s Palace in Las Vegas to support her husband Kevin Federline’s video shoot. She looked quite presentable in a horizontal-striped top and her black hair.

Britney was also photographed in Vegas with a guy rumored to be her new “manager,” or maybe just her agent, Wililam Morris agent Jason Trawick.

Both times she looked rather good. That may be some kind of record for her.

Britney had a supposed pregnancy scare on July 15th, when it is said that she went into false labor and had to be rushed to the hospital. A “friend” is quoted as blaming the incident on Britney’s poor nutrition, saying she wasn’t eating enough vegetables. If you take a look in Kevin’s cart in these pictures of him shopping, you can see why a gossip magazine writer could come to that conclusion. Celebrity Baby Blog mentions that it sounds like a completely bogus reason for false labor.

Pictures from Breathe Heavy.

Britain’s The Sun is not a very reliable source, but I couldn’t pass this up: Kevin Federline is planning to hammer yet another nail into the coffin of Britney’s dormant career by asking her to sing over his “rapping” on his latest album:

I won’t believe this is true until I read it in another more reputable source, because K-Fed hasn’t been around Britney and he doesn’t seem humble enough to ask for her help yet.

Kevin was said to have passed up Britney’s offer to work with her talented producers on his album a few months ago, and if the crap he’s released on his myspace is any indication, it was a dumb move. He now seems to be working with Britney’s producers, though, and wants to beat Justin Timberlake on the charts.

Kevin is said to be totally obsessed with being better than his wife’s famous ex:

Whatever, K-Fed. Timberlake is a mediocre talent, but he can still rap and sing much better than you ever will, even with the best help in the business. You really suck and you’re dragging your stupid tiger-loving wife down with you. Given the fact that she still hasn’t dumped your ass, she kind of deserves it.

Britney Spears was spotted with yet another bodyguard taking over manny duty. This unknown guard bears a striking resemblance to a bloated Ben Affleck and was pushing the Graco stroller while Britney chatted on the phone. She looked relatively cleaned up and presentable for an average day out.

Meanwhile Kevin Federline was seen toting a trendy piece of exercise equipment, the BOLA trainer, which some suggest is a rude ass hint to Britney. They have those things at my gym and I think you’re supposed to balance on them and train your abs, but I have no idea since I generally avoid exercise equipment that makes me look foolish. (I have a theory that trainers capitalize on this and make people do dumb shit they would be too embarassed or confused to do on their own.)

Kevin will be “rapping” at the Teen choice awards on August 20th. It will be surprising if he performs “Papazoa,” since he said recently that the entire song was a joke meant to set peoples’ expectations for his talent low.

Britney has posted a new “stream of consciousness” poem-thing on her website in praise of tigers - yes tigers. She expounds on the wild beasts in a segment that’s reminiscent of an elementary school essay:

In some ways, people are a lot like animals. We all hunger for the same things. Love, lust, danger, warmth and adventure. Like people, animals all have their own rythm to life. I’m mesmirized [sic] by tigers. Their eyes, their stripes, their constant quest of [sic] survival. They almost have a sense of mysteriousness about them. They pull you in and make it difficult to look away. They make you wonder what is behind their gaze. A sense of eerie awe comes over you in their presence. The fear they give you when you pass them is stunning. Behold the beauty of the tiger.

I’m mesmirized by Britney’s excellent prose. I would wonder why one of her handlers didn’t edit this or advise her against posting it, but she went on national television in short shorts with hair looking like a rat’s nest, so this little poem is a minor indiscretion.

Here is Britney and Ben Affleck, I mean her bodyguard/manny that’s not Perry:

Pictures from x17online and Oh No They Didn’t.

Britney Spears is staying in a hotel while her husband, Kevin Federline, is at the couples’ mansion with his ex, Shar Jackson and his kids from their relationship:

To make matters worse, Shar and Kevin are rumored to be planning a duet together! Britney was said to be enraged a few months ago when Shar recorded her own version of Britney’s “Chaotic,” with Kevin’s blessing. This latest news had got to annoy her. How much will it take before she breaks up with him and reclaims her life?

Britney and Kevin were said to be using a $1,000 an hour relationship counselor, but how much is it going to help if they’re never together?

In Justin Timberlake’s new GQ article, he either slams or supports Britney depending on which quote the press wants to focus on. He said he was dissapointed that she didn’t stick up for him after their breakup, but that she deserves more lenient treatment by the press:

It doesn’t sound like Timberlake is going to come to Britney’s rescue. Now that Perry is helping her out again, maybe she’ll get the courage she needs to stand on her own. I’m not going to hold my breath, though.

Picture from Breatheheavy.com.

There were reports that Britney was planning a “Chaotic 2″ to further pound her stardom into the ground, but that was yet another piece of fake news embellished by the British tabloids. They always put some bit of UK slang in there to give it away.

Perez Hilton called Britney’s rep, who denied that Britney was dumb enough to make another “Chaotic”. Plus Kevin would have to be around long enough to make the film.

Just like the rumor that Britney was going to give birth in Namibia, this originated with the satirical site “Postcards from the Pug Bus” and was picked up as real news, with fake quotes added for good measure, by the tabloids.

Here is K-Fed shopping for junk food on July 3rd. He looks awful. It was so much nicer to check out pictures of cutie Perry Taylor. [via] Oh - the gossip rags are reporting that Sean Preston was calling manny Perry “Da Da” and that’s part of the reason why K-Fed had him canned.

Britney Spears claims the glowing happy pictures that came out in US Weekly of her posing with Kevin were, like, totally stolen. She’s said to be “evaluating legal options” against the magazine. You know that Britney released the photos herself after her “Dateline” debacle, and is just saying that to make it seem like they’re really stolen:

We seriously doubt this is true because the pictures are all cute and seem to come at a time when she needs good publicity and wants to make it seem as if everything is fine in her marriage. It’s also seems like too much of a coincidence when compared with the recently leaked Brangelina baby shower pics.

Reader Missy notes that Britney and Kevin may look happy and privileged in these pictures taken on a private jet, but that Kevin is suspiciously hiding his ring finger. Someone must have “forgotten” to wear their wedding ring.

Britney Spears’ gorgeous bodyguard and sometimes manny, 28 year-old Naval Academy graduate Perry Taylor, has been removed from his close position with the troubled pop star and is now working security detail on a daily as-needed basis. He was helpful, attractive, and friendly, and K-Fed is said to have asked Britney to fire him after he heard about how Perry was changing Sean Preston’s diapers and serving as Britney’s unofficial nanny:

(From In Touch print edition, 7/10/06)

Obviously K-Fed is still feeding his friends quotes to give to the rags, because the source was careful to say that he wasn’t jealous or anything. Oh of course not. We’ve never seen Kevin wearing a Baby Bjorn, but Perry donned the baby carrier with pride and a cute button smile.

People were unsure about Perry’s identity at first, initially confusing him with Britney’s record producer, J.R. Rotem, with whom he bears a resemblance. Perry’s identity soon came out, though, and he became an Internet and press phenomenon.

Perry was touted as the reason behind Britney’s cleaned-up appearance in the absence of K-Fed, and people speculated that she was having an affair. Perry’s mom put those rumors to rest by telling the press that her son had a hot live-in girlfriend.

Everyone from the NY Times to U.S. News and World report discussed the merits of male nannys, or the “manny.” We couldn’t get enough of Perry.

Then, last week, Britney was seen out alone and with new jet-black hair after her “Dateline” debacle. It seemed the rumors of Kevin’s dissatisfaction with being upstaged by the help were true, and that Britney had obeyed her do-nothing husband and got rid of the best thing that happened to her since the birth of her baby.

We haven’t seen the last of Perry Taylor, though. We hope that Angelina is watching this young guy’s rise to fame, and will hire him to soften up the image of her security force while lending an extra set of hands to care for Shiloh and Zahara.

Thanks to Kylie on MySpace for reminding me about Perry.

Here are pictures of helpful Perry during his employment with Britney. He’s been seen buying flowers for Britney, and he even holds the car door open for her.

Yesterday I mentioned the US Weekly article about Britney’s consultation with her christian life coach, and how she has taken Kevin back. The article makes it seem as if it’s this glorious reunion and that everything will be fine in their troubled relationship after the vacation photo op they took. This is in complete contrast to other reports we read that had Britney and Kevin sleeping in separate hotel rooms and avoiding each other on that same trip.

(From US Weekly’s print version)

Kevin also promised to spend four to five hours each day with Sean Preston to give Britney a break. Now that Perry’s gone he better take up some of the slack.

This glowing report of their renewed love must be one Kevin’s peeps giving good news to the rags for once after Britney told Kevin to stop feeding his friends stories to sell to the press. There’s no way everything is fine in their relationship or that their misguided love with conquer all.

Britney may dress trashy, but she lives in more style then the majority of the planet will experience in its lifetime. It’s kind of incongruous to see Britney in a tie-dye and Kevin in camo pants in a private jet, and it reminds us how privileged these people are, and why we make fun of them in the first place. These pictures are from Breatheheavy.com, and are said to be “stolen from Britney’s private album” by Us Weekly.