Charlie Sheen is royally pissed that his ex-wife Denise Richard’s assistant is tagging along during his time with his kids. We reported three weeks ago that Sheen had filed court papers to be able to provide his own nanny for his supervised visits. Well apparently the matter is still working its way through the courts, because Denise is still sending her own supervision. She’s supposed to send a nanny, but when one isn’t available, she sends her personal assistant, who Charlie has accused of spying on him for Denise. That might make him sound paranoid, but Denise is supposedly a bit whacko and there’s some evidence to back up his suspicions. Denise of course denied that, but has since repeatedly sent the assistant along with her daughters instead of a nanny, which makes it a bit suspicious.

“‘Here is my and Brooke’s [Mueller, his fiancé] weekend with [daughters Sam and Lola] being sullied by one of her spies,’ Sheen told People at an event hosted by Brooke Shields and Chris Henchy in Malibu on Saturday. Richards allegedly dispatched her assistant to monitor Sheen with the couple’s daughters ‘because a real nanny was unavailable, ‘ the actor said.

“Earlier this month, Sheen filed court documents seeking to amend the terms of the ex-couple’s shared custody of Sam, 3, and Lola, 2, including that he be permitted to hire his own childcare provider. The actor is currently unable to see his daughters unless they are accompanied by two Richards-approved nannies, and only Richards is allowed to select suitable replacements should either be unavailable for a visit.

“And as far as Sheen’s concerned, his ex-wife’s assistant does not qualify as a suitable replacement. ‘Until I’m granted the ability to hire my own nanny, she is required to provide one and I was terribly insulted that she felt her ‘assistant’ was a suitable replacement,’ the actor said in a statement released by his publicist, Stan Rosenfield, on Monday.
“‘If it’s unfortunate that I’m speaking, it’s ‘unfortunate’ that an incredibly loving and responsible father and his terrifically capable fiancée are being subjected to these transparent and unnecessary sanctions, that have nothing to do with responsible co-parenting and everything to do with punishment and control. As long as I am forced to live under these conditions with my children, people are going to hear about it.’”

[From E! News]

If I were Charlie Sheen, I’d be pissed that I had to be supervised with my kids at all. But he seems to understand that and is mature about it. He’s just arguing that he should be able to provide his own nanny, or someone the court chooses. Not someone his ex-wife pays. That makes sense. I realize the guy has engaged in some incredibly unsavory activities in the past, and he should be monitored until a reasonable amount of time goes by and he has consistently proven that he’s a safe, good parent to his kids. But who would want their crazy ex spying on them? If Richards really is using her assistant for that, it’s really scary to think what she’ll do with the kids once they’re old enough to talk and relay information accurately. Hopefully by then these two will be back in their civil pattern (since they seem to cycle rapidly) and be a little more stable for the sake of their kids.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Charlie and Denise back in happier times. Header image of Charlie and fiancée Brooke Mueller. Images thanks to PR Photos.

In the midst of all the recent terrible reports of famous people having a variety of problems with dogs (fighting them, abusing them, them possibly mauling people) coupled with all the recent terrible reports of Britney Spears doing stupid, senseless, and thoughtless things, it’s good to see that the two terrible streaks haven’t joined together: the SPCA has ruled that Spears didn’t hurt her dog London, and was not responsible for the little puppy’s recently broken leg. In fact, she actually took care of it, got it proper medical attention immediately, and has been very cooperative with investigators. If only the same could be said for the way she treats her children.

“The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals has exonerated Britney Spears of any supposed mistreatment of her pet Yorkshire terrier. The Los Angeles branch of the animal welfare organization was reportedly alerted last week that pop singer Britney Spears was not taking proper care of her pet Yorkshire terrier.

“‘Access Hollywood’ reported that SPCA received complaints from a number of people who maintained that they had seen the pup with a broken leg. Opinions differed though, with some saying the dog was wearing a cast and others saying it wasn’t. SPCA president Madeline Bernstein confirmed to People magazine that its employees attempted to contact Britney and verify the nature of the complaints. The organization contacted Britney’s veterinarian. He confirmed that London, the terrier, had suffered a mild fracture when someone accidentally stepped on the dog as it made its way into one of Brit’s closets. The veterinarian proved that London had received proper care.

“The SPCA released a statement Monday, confirming the well-being and safety of London. The organization said it ‘has received written confirmation from a veterinarian that Britney Spears’s dog London has received proper medical attention for a leg injury. SPCA LA would like to thank Ms. Spears for her cooperation on this matter as well as members of the public for their ongoing concern for the welfare of animals,” the group said in its statement.”

[From eFluxMedia]

I don’t really like purse dogs, but that terrier is really cute. It’s a shame it will have to live the rest of its life in mortal fear of being stepped on by a drunken blond (or baldie, as the case may be) but at least it can rest easy knowing that it will get medical care, and probably won’t have coffee/juice/soda/alcohol poured into its water dish. Probably. I’m a huge animal lover, so I say this not to offend or belittle their importance, but it really does bother me that Britney can do right by her dog but not by her kids. I can’t wait until Sean Preston and Jayden James can start talking back and giving her some shit. Those two are the result of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline coupling. You know they’re going to have some trashy mouths on them.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s little London, pre-injury. Header image of Lance Britney with fired assistant Shannon Funk and pup. Images thanks to WENN.

Sometimes good things really do happen in this crazy world. And this is one of them. First watch, and then we’ll mock. I’ll wait.

That’s right, Elijah Wood is teaching us all how to do his favorite dancey dance. Which could not be timed better, because last night as I was lying in bed with incurable insomnia, I asked myself, “Self, what would Elijah Wood look like if he danced?” I was really hoping it involved a skintight yellow shirt and matching yellow shoes, but I didn’t want to get myself so wound up that I couldn’t sleep even more, so I didn’t dare whisper about the yellow shoes.

That’s right, Elijah Wood’s favorite dance is the puppet master. Which is also a super creepy horror film, so it’s good for kids on a lot of levels. I think he used one of Britney Spears’s fired choreographers for this awesome bit of puppetry. Elijah seems way too into his dance, and not in the “I’m-doing-this-because-I-got-three-DUIs-and-I-need-to-do-something-to-help-my-
public-image” way. More in the “I-practice-this-at-home-with-my-pants-off” way.

And I’m sorry but that green striped guy on the left? He’s totally phoning it in.

The best part is when he “goes craaaaaaazy!” and whips out his “I just got kicked out of Roxy” dance moves. This leaves me confused, and with a lot of questions. Is this the kind of thing that kills a career or helps it? Does this mean Elijah Wood is unbalanced, or so ultra-balanced and secure with himself that he’s alright with it? Did he lose a dare, or does the producer of this show (Nickelodeon’s “Yo Gabba Gabba”) have something on Elijah that he’s using to blackmail him? These are the questions that will torment me tonight as I lay awake, trying to fight the insomnia. That and the dancey-dance, and that yellow, yellow shirt.

You know how you used to see photos of Tom Cruise’s kids, Isabella and Connor, all the time before baby Suri made her triumphant but long overdue debut? Tom and Katie seemed to be attending a sports game for one of the preteens every week, but now like they’ve been missing for months.

Isabella dyed her hair blue the minute she was down in Australia visiting her mom Nicole Kidman, but that was back in May. Connor hasn’t really been seen much either.

According to Star Magazine, Tom Cruise’s other kids are away at Scientology camp learning how to be good little cult members who don’t question authority:

As Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and their 15-month-old cutie Suri were snapped romping around Berlin in between his filming the World War II drama, Valkyrie, noticeably absent from these family outings were daughter Isabella, 14, and son Connor, 12. Nor were the two with mom Nicole Kidman, who is currently in Australia filming her own WWII epic. So where have the Cruise kids been all summer? Star has learned that the youngsters are in Oregon, at a camp 60 miles south of Portland run by the Church of Scientology! “The summer camp is part of the Scientology’s ‘get them while they’re young’ campaign,” a source who attended the camp tells Star. “While they will be enjoying horseback riding, swimming and all kinds of fun activities, some of their day is devoted to Scientology coursework.”

[From Star Magazine, print edition, September 3, 2007]

Oh so that’s why the Cruise kids have been discarded like last season’s PR tactic - they needed to get their personality chips reset! Just send ‘em to camp for another round of coercion and they’ll come out smiling and ready to pose for more paparazzi pictures.

Just you wait, little Suri, your free will is next.

While I was doing the research for this post I found an interesting article from nearly 10 years ago posted on Factnet.org. They interviewed a guy who was second in command of Scientology and left to reveal their secrets. He talked about how celebrities are paid to endorse Scientology and the tactics that are used to make sure they don’t leave the fold or criticize the cult. They blackmail people, put extreme psychological pressure on them, and will hound anyone high profile who dares to leave. Scientology arranged Cruise’s divorce from his first wife, Mimi Rogers, and made sure he remained under their influence afterwards.

Celebrities are constantly monitored and judged to make sure that they don’t leave the cult or question its practices. Anyone that dares to do so is subject to extreme harassment and exposure of all the secrets collected about them by the cult, which can potentially end their careers. John Travolta supposed wanted to leave when he met a guy he fell in love with, but the head of the cult, John Miscavige put the kibosh on that and made sure that his people were around to pressure Travolta to give up his relationship and marry fellow Scientologist Kelly Preston instead.

It’s one thing for people like Cruise and Travolta to be figureheads for the money-making soul-sucking cult masquerading as a religion. It’s another for their kids to be forced to join before they have a chance to learn about life.

Victoria and David Beckham have had two nannies resign since their move to L.A., complaining of overwork and nagging.

One source revealed, “You’d imagine it’s a dream job working for celebrities like that in California. But these two trained professionals said it was a nightmare. They complained Victoria spoke down to them, her mother Jackie bossed them about and they felt like dogsbodies.”

Despite the Beckhams having plenty of help - from bodyguards to house cleaners - Zara and Claire ended up working longer days cleaning and cooking for the family - a hard job considering Posh Spice’s diet secrets.

The insider continued, “Both girls ended up having to cook and clean up for all the family. Victoria and Jackie constantly nagged and ordered them about. Some days they were on the go from 6am to midnight. The pay was OK but they just got sick of it.”

AHN

The nannnies, Zara from New Zealand and Claire from England, might have also quit as they didn’t like Los Angeles. And when there is two of you, working for huge salaries, maybe a bit of cooking and cleaning isn’t too much to ask? Wouldn’t you have to cook and clean up after the children anyway?

The rumour circulating (again) is that Posh and David will be having another baby, aiming for a girl this time. Maybe the nannies quit in anticipation of the extra work?

Posh and Becks will be making their way to New Zealand later this year to play some soccer. Well, she’ll probably just watch. The - very expensive - tickets are being sold on the condition that David plays. If David can’t play with Galaxy for any reason while he is here, the games will be postponed or canceled. Perhaps a similar strategy could be employed for his American games?

Picture note by Celebitchy: Victoria Beckham is shown taking her son Cruz to a summer daycamp on 8/22/07. Thanks to Splash News.

Normally I would be pretty hesitant about a claim that a celebrity would kidnap their kids – I mean they’re famous, it’s not like they can hide out like the rest of us. But Britney Spears threw logic to the wind a long time ago, and at this point I would put absolutely nothing past her. MSNBC seems to think there’s some credibility to the story that Britney Spears has threatened to disappear with her kids – they’ve quoted the Star story in their article about the crazed singer.

“Just when it looked like the custody battle for Jayden James and Sean Preston couldn’t get much uglier, Star reports that Britney Spears might take her kids on the run. ‘Britney told Kevin to look out because one day, when she has them she just may disappear forever!’ a Federline family insider told the magazine. ‘Kevin is freaked out and wants to get a restraining order on her. He has one of the kids’ nannies reporting back on whatever happens!’

“The exes currently share equal custody, but Britney isn’t beyond taking the kids without their father’s permission, Star points out. She even didn’t mention her recent Las Vegas family field trip to Federline, even though neither is supposed to take the kids out of Los Angeles County without written permission from the other parent. ‘Kevin is afraid that Britney could take off at any moment with the kids,’ says another Star insider. ‘That’s why he wants to hurry and finalize their custody agreement!’

“Just how far would Britney go to keep the kids away from K-Fed? ‘She told Kevin she’d split to another country, probably France,’ says the magazine’s source. ‘Kevin feels she could pull it off with enough money and the right connections!’”

[From MSNBC.com]

Alright well that proves just how stupid they both are. Britney thinks she might kidnap her kids, and K-Fed thinks she could get away with it. He has about 2000 free private investigators stationed throughout the world – it’s called the paparazzi. Someone could escape the law, they could escape the government, but no way can you hide from the paps. Especially when you’re Britney Spears, there’s just too high a price on her head. And if she’s dumb enough to tell Federline what country she’s planning on going to, I doubt her threat will pan out. It is funny that she picked a nice, comfortable country with good shopping. If she’d named a country that is a little less of a tourist destination – say the unknown parts of wintry Russia, then I’d think she was at least willing to make a sacrifice. It looks like Britney’s mixing up the words “kidnapping” with “moving.” And I’m pretty sure you can’t take the nannies, drivers, housekeepers, and drug mules when you kidnap your kids.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s K-Fed partying at Tao on Monday night. Apparently his VIP section was filled with ladies, according to Splash. Header image of Britney making one of her classy faces while trying to find parking a few days ago. Thanks to Splash for the photos.

It’s kind of nice, in this day of over-indulged kids, to hear a famous parent say that they are strict with their kids. Brooke Shields talked with Redbook recently about the challenges of being a parent. Brooke and her mother had a famous fallout over her career in the 80’s. A lot of people thought her mom, Teri, was using Brooke and exploiting her celebrity. And by most accounts, she was nothing like Dina Lohan or Lesley Panettiere.

“’I think a lot of these girls are young, and it’s all so tempting,’ Shields, 42, tells Redbook in its September issue. ‘For some reason I wasn’t tempted. I don’t know why.’

”Looking back, she says, ‘Sometimes I wish I was a little more tempted to have a little more fun. But then I see them’ – Shields mentions no one by name – ‘and someone will ask, “Well, what do you want to say to so-and-so?” I don’t want to say anything to them. I want to talk to their mothers.’

”Shields’s own mother, Teri Shields, who originally managed her daughter, came under a firestorm of criticism for her treatment (some said exploitation) of her budding star. The two eventually separated professionally.

“’People used to say my mom used me as a commodity,’ the actress now says. ‘But you know what? She did her own version dysfunctional behavior, sure, but nothing like you see these days.’”

[From People]

Brooke has two daughters, Rowan, 4, and Grier, 13 months. She famously battled postpartum depression and wrote a book where she talked about her struggles in an attempt to help other mothers understand that they weren’t alone. She definitely did a lot of good in taking the stigma away from it. Brooke says that she’s a pretty strict mom, and she knows that she can seem overbearing to others.

“Shields says: ‘I always feel like the odd mom out, because trust me when I tell you I’m on my girls. And every time I am, I know from the outside it looks like I’m an overbearing, controlling parents. But I don’t think we have any responsibility to anybody else but our kids and ourselves.’

”Not that Shields apologizes for being strict. ‘The worst part about it is when I look at my daughter [Rowan], and she’ll be fighting with some other kid, and I have to be careful not to always make it her fault. But I can only tell her what to do – I can’t tell the other kid. I’ll tell her, “Hey, you suck it up; you give him the toy, and we’ll talk about it later.”’

”Admits Shields, ‘So she’s the one who always has to take the high road, which is hard for a 4-year-old.’”

[From People]

That sounds like it might be tough on her kids, but it’s probably better to error on the side of caution and be a little too strict when you’re raising kids in Hollywood. It’s important to find a balance, but it seems like too many parents are trying to be their kids’ friends rather than parents. That’s a blurry line that only leads to trouble (in my inexperienced opinion). Brooke Shields is freakishly smart, so I’d guess her daughters have a pretty good chance of turning out well.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Brooke with her kids out wit her daughters in Brentwood, California on August 7th. Header image of Brooke with actress Jill Hennessy at the Hampton Social James Taylor concert this past weekend.
Images thanks to WENN.

In “duh” news, Us Weekly has a story claiming that Ryan Phillippe doesn’t like ex Reese Witherspoon’s sorta boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal. Is that supposed to be surprising? By most accounts Phillippe cheated on Witherspoon, so it seems like he should keep his opinions to himself. I must be blind or really naive, but what’s not to like about Jake Gyllenhaal, other than the fact that he’s dating your ex-wife? He’s not exactly a rebel; he seems reasonably smart and nice. I’ve heard he can be a bit bossy, but that’s not the end of the world. It’s likely just jealousy crap. See, guys can be bitchy too!

“Ryan Phillippe hasn’t exactly offered a warm welcome to ex Reese Witherspoon’s off-again, on-again guy, Jake Gyllenhaal, 26. ‘Ryan is pissed about Jake,’ a Phillippe insider tells Us Weekly, adding that Phillippe, 32, told Witherspoon, 31, ‘he didn’t want “that guy” around their kids [son Deacon, 3, and daughter Ava, 7] and then made some crude Brokeback Mountain remark.’

“However, a Gyllenspoon source tells Us that ‘Reese doesn’t have Jake spend the night when the kids are around.’ And though the actor may be angry that Witherspoon is moving on, his feelings for Aussie actress Abbie Cornish, 25, are less conflicted. Phillippe was seeing his Stop Loss costar at the time of his split from Witherspoon last October (his rep denied any relationship), and while the twosome seemed to cool after his marriage broke up, a source close to the couple tells Us, ‘They have been hanging out [again] since June.’”

“On August 5, the pair were seen strolling together in L.A.’s Franklin Canyon Park. ‘They were laughing,’ says an onlooker, ‘and obviously enjoying themselves.’”

[From Us Weekly]

A “Brokeback Mountain” joke, really? That’s pretty lame. Reese also seems pretty uptight and proper (I mean that in a good way, you don’t see it a lot in Hollywood) and she and Jake seem like a match that makes sense. Ryan Phillippe never seemed to have a lot of substance, and his supposed jealousy of Reese wasn’t exactly helpful to their relationship. I think the reason everyone got so excited at the prospect of Reese and Jake dating is that they seem like such a cute match. He’s said to love kids, she’s got ‘em, it’s a match made in heaven. Okay really, it’s impossible to know, but let’s hope that Ryan is able to be a little more mature, for the sake of their kids. It’s pretty rare that you have a Bruce Willis/Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher situation where everyone loves each other and they become one giant extended family. I hope this couple sticks around, they’re adorable.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Jake Gyllenhaal at LAX a few months ago. Header image of Reese and Ryan in happier days, at the “Walk the Line” premiere. Image thanks to PR Photos.

I’ve never been pregnant, but I’ve never heard anyone describe it as romantic. Painful, cravings, stretch marks, mood swings, upset stomach, etc. Those are things I’ve heard. The more flowery terms probably apply too, but they don’t scare me, so I have a hard time remembering them. I’m sure it’s wonderful in its way, but, um, romantic? The stories friends have told me have been anything but. In fact most of them have been shockingly horrifying. But apparently Gwen Stefani finds pregnancy romantic, and if she’s that lucky, then more power to her.

“Gwen Stefani has no mixed feelings about one thing: producing a sibling for her 1-year-old son Kingston. “’Obviously I’m in a race to have another, but I don’t want to do it while on tour,’ the singer, 37, tells InStyle for its September issue (on sale Friday). ‘But I can’t wait to get pregnant again. It’s so fun and consuming and romantic.’

Being a mom already, she admits, means ‘I definitely don’t get enough sleep, but I’d rather spend time with him. I’ve got this extra-fun, amazing, little guy who just wants to hang out with me.’ Before she hits the stage while on tour, Stefani sings Kingston lullabies like “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” as he falls asleep. ‘But he sings a lot to himself,” she says. “He’s just getting into music. He does the whole head-bouncing thing.’”

[From People]

Aw, that’s so cute. Some might argue delusional, but cute. I kid, I kid, please don’t yell at me in the comments. I’m just more in line with Ellen DeGeneres, when she said “I want to have a baby, I just don’t want to have [be pregnant/give birth] a baby.” Yes I know it changes your life, I know it’s worth it, yada yada. No really, I do. But I still think it sounds utterly terrifying. When is that whole artificial womb thing happening? I’ve heard people talking about it – in terms of the dangers of medical technology becoming too advanced – but I’m all for it, and will purchase one as soon as Costco stocks them.

Picture note by JayBird: All images of Gwen from her show on May 24th. Image thanks to PR Photos.

K-Fed means business. Or at least his lawyer does. Apparently serving Alli Sims and J.R. Rotem was just the first wave in the attack. He’s now going after Britney’s employees.

“Now that his rap career is as dead as his ex-wife’s brain cells, Kevin Federline is keeping busy by handing out subpoenas. The latest Britney Spears associate to be caught up in the couple’s court chaos is Damion Shippen, the singer’s former bodyguard/manny.

“Last night (Aug 13), Shippen was served two subpoenas by K-Fed’s lawyer, ordering him to testify in the contentious custody trial surrounding the couple’s two sons, Sean Preston, 23 months, and Jayden, 11 months, reports Us Weekly.

“A source tells the magazine that K-Fed is counting on Shippen to testify to Britney’s poor parenting, since he “is in a unique position having worked with Britney for a long time and has incredible knowledge of her parenting skills and comings and goings.”

“Shippen’s subpoena surprise comes just days after Spears’s childhood friend, Alli Sims, was also ordered to testify. According to the source, Spears can expect more of her loyal hanger-ons/enablers to be served.”

[From Dose.ca]

That presents quite the ethical dilemma. Mark Vincent Kaplan must really have something on Brittney if he believes he can get her employees to talk. Former paid friends are one thing, but current ones? Let’s hope they’d be honest no matter what, but let’s be real. Are you going to talk trash, on the record, about your current employer? One who’s a bit unstable and known to fire people on a whim? Unless you’re independently wealthy, probably not.

It seems that Britney’s younger sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, is also squarely on K-Fed’s side. That’s not much of a surprise, since her mother and the rest of her immediate family seem to be on his team. That’s the biggest reason I think there must be good reason why he should get custody of their sons. Britney’s family must be aware of issues unknown to the general public. I doubt K-Fed was able to dupe them into switching loyalties - I just don’t think he’s that skilled in subtly manipulating people’s emotions. Though he is known as the Svengali of the rap world.

“The battle lines are being drawn as Britney Spears and Kevin Federline prepare for what may be a nasty child custody war. Life & Style Weekly is now reporting that even her immediate family is now supporting Kevin. Brit’s sister, Jamie Lynn, is deeply frustrated and she is set to bail on Britney.

“The little sister is extremely upset that Britney hasn’t cleaned up her act since leaving rehab. On Aug. 9, “The Insider” says, she called her big sister to tell Brit she’d brought Kevin’s actions upon herself. “Jamie Lynn sobbed, ‘You wanted those babies, and look what you’re doing! I’m glad Kevin’s going to take them!’”

[From the National Ledger]

Who would have imagined that Britney’s life would have gotten worse and more trashtastic after she left K-Fed? Didn’t we all breathe a big sigh of relief when their split was announced? Her family was completely behind the split, in fact by some accounts they really forced the issue. Now they’re on K-Fed’s side? Does anyone else think they must know some pretty big – and pretty bad – details about Brit to turn on her like that? The sympathetic part of me hopes that this just forces her to get her act together, because I can’t imagine many things worse than losing custody of your kids. But I think she needs to reprioritize her life and see how truly lucky she is.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s K-Fed with Britney’s mom, Lynne Spears, along with a picture of Brit out and about last week. [Star Magazine, print edition, August 20, 2007]. Header image of K-Fed looking extra cocky/douchey while hosting his birthday party at Pure in March. Image thanks to PR Photos.