Kim Kardashian is the June cover girl for Shape Magazine. Once again, just another photo to show just how much work Kim has had done to her face – and how recently. I swear she wasn’t this cat-like three months ago. I’m guessing Kim thinks that everyone will be looking at her body in this little bikini, and they won’t even notice how jacked her face is. She could be right. I didn’t even notice her face the first time I looked at the cover. To her credit, and the magazine’s credit, Kim’s body doesn’t look that ‘Shopped to me. I mean, I saw those bikini photos of Kim right after she and Reggie broke up, and she pretty much looked like this. So… good for her. She’s has a lovely figure.

Unfortunately, the scant interview excepts reveal a woman who has had serious body image issues since childhood. Perhaps that’s why she’s still spraying Windex on her food? Could be. It all started when Kim was the first girl in her class to develop breasts:

Even as a ten-year-old girl, Kim Kardashian was a trailblazer.

“I was the first girl in my class to wear a bra,” Kardashian, now 29, tells Shape magazine in its June issue.

But she wasn’t happy about it.

“I remember crying in the bathtub,” she admits. The future reality star even practiced a ritual to keep her cleavage from expanding.

“I took a washcloth, made it hot, put it over my chest and prayed, ‘Please don’t let them grow any bigger. They’re embarrassing me.’”

Why the self-loathing?

She told Shape magazine: “All my friends were super-skinny and that just wasn’t my body type. And I watched my mum, who was always comfortable with herself and she helped me with my outlook.”

“I have curves and that’s never going to change, so I’d better start embracing them or I’m going to have a miserable life. It took me a while, but I finally caught on.”

However, she admits she’ll never embrace the bane of many a woman’s life – cellulite.

She added: “Just because I feel secure with my body doesn’t mean I think cellulite is cute! It will always be an issue for me. So let’s just say it’s a work in progress.”

[Shape excerpts from The Sun & Us Weekly]

F-ck, I have something in common with Kim. I, too, was the first girl to develop in my class, but I didn’t have the issues with it that Kim seemed to. I liked when my boobs came in. It was only when I was 16 and 17 years old that they got really big and started being a pain in the ass. What do you think Kim is? Like, a 36D? Those were the days.

Shape cover courtesy of Hot Celebs.

Kim Kardashian’s weight loss secret might not be the caffeine pills she’s constantly hawking. Mike Walker in this week’s National Enquirer has an item claiming that Kim told Ryan Secrest she renders her food inedible by spraying Windex on it so she won’t eat it. How does that work logistically? Kim told Ryan she only does that at home, so does this mental giant bring a big bottle to the dinner table, spray her food, and then just sit there and move it around while the rest of her family eats? Why can’t she just excuse herself and/or dump her food in the trash and just wait? It doesn’t make sense to me, but then this family rarely does:

Ryan Secrest, seated with Kim Kardashian at the star-studded White House Correspondents banquet, admits he was shocked when she whispered her super-secret diet trick: “I spray Windex on my food so I won’t eat it!” Blurted Ryan: “What do you do, carry it around in your purse?” Giggling, Kim told him she uses the Windex trick at home, mostly – but when she’s out on the town, she pours soda to spoil temptation for unwanted meals.

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, May 24, 2010]

Kim could alternately carry some of her own perfume in her purse. Considering all the crap that’s in perfume she could spray that on her plate and ensure that she either stops eating or gets sick. Just throw your damn food out or ask for a half portion. The mind boggles. This reminds me of a couple of things: when Miranda dumped cake in the trash and poured dishwashing soap over it on Sex and The City so she would stop pigging out, and the dad on My Big Fat Greek Wedding, who used Windex for just about everything, including bug bite treatment. Apparently it’s also an appetite suppressant, although some scrubbing bubbles or cyanide would also do the trick.

Along with perfume, Kim and her family have slapped their name on a jewelry line, ironically called Virgins, Saints and Angels. Kim and her two sisters Khloe and Kourtney made an in-store appearance at Kitson earlier this week to launch the line. ShopKitson.com has it available, and it looks like incredibly overpriced gothic and rosary style pieces. It’s ugly and with a price point that starts at $198. This family is just raking in the dough. They’ll need it to pay for all the plastic surgery they’re obviously fond of.

Photo Credit: Kokopix/WENN.com

This story from Life & Style is being billed as Kim Kardashian’s “first ever makeup-free photo shoot”. That sentence is sad to me. Oh, wait, I just remembered – Kim also did a makeup-free and naked photo shoot for Harper’s Bazaar just a few months ago. Here’s that photo:

So Kim went through a phase where she wanted to show everyone how gorgeous she is without makeup. Here’s my question though – were these photos taken before she got all of her recent plastic surgery? Look at the header photo again – I think this might be a post-op photo. Anyway, Life & Style does a little interview with Kim:

The boys may come and go, but Kim Kardashian’s trusty makeup bag remains a constant. But who’s the woman behind the glam mask? Kim ditches the comfort of her regimen and flaunts her natural beauty for the first time on the pages of Life & Style.

L&S: What do you get out of wearing cosmetics?
KIM: Makeup just enhances beauty. It makes you look more rested and even-toned. I use it to give my whole face a little more color since it’s so pale in comparison to my body.

L&S: Was there a star whose look you tried to copy?
KIM: Yes, Victoria Beckham. I loved Posh Spice when I was in high school.

L&S: What message do you want to send those fans with Life & Style’s makeup-free shoot?
KIM: Makeup is fun, but it’s just another accessory. Posing makeup-free is really empowering. Why not show people what I really look like? I’m happy with myself, and this is who I am. As much as it’s fun to glam up, the most important thing is to be comfortable in your own skin — with or without makeup.

[From Life & Style]

“I loved Posh Spice when I was in high school.” Look at her, trying to convince us that she’s younger. You’re 28 years old, Kim. High school was more than a decade ago. Granted, the Spice Girls we’re just starting around that time, but the way Kim says it, she’s trying to make it sound like this is something that happened recently, like she just got out of high school. Plus, her idolizing Victoria makes sense doesn’t it? Both women put makeup on with a shovel normally, both women have altered their bodies through plastic surgery, both women date athletes. It fits!

Header photo courtesy of Life & Style. Kim in Beverly Hills on May 11, 2010, credit: Pacific Coast News.

A few weeks ago, Star Magazine did a cover story about Kim Kardashian’s first marriage, to music producer Damon Thomas. Star had gotten their hands on the court papers, and had basically claimed, through extensive unnamed sourcing, that Damon was physically and emotionally abusive towards Kim. Shortly after that cover story, Damon made a few public statements basically calling Kim a liar, and defending himself against the abuse allegations. Now, in this week’s In Touch Weekly, Damon tells his “side” of the story, and it’s not pretty. It is a tale of famehwhoring, jealousy, lies, infidelity, money, greed and grossness. And that’s just on Kim’s side. Here’s more from the cover story:

“She can’t write or sing or dance, so she does harmful things in order to validate herself in the media,” Kim’s ex-husband, Damon Thomas tells In Touch exclusively. “That’s a fame-whore to me. It’s just not cool at all.”

Kim Kardashian wants the world to think that she’s the perfect, supportive sister who would do anything for her family. But in an exclusive interview with In Touch, Kim’s ex-husband says that behind closed doors, Kim has a very different — and troubling — set of priorities.

“Kim is obsessed with fame,” Kim’s ex, music producer Damon Thomas, reveals, adding that even when he was in love with her, Kim struck him as the type of person who would step on anyone in order to get where she wanted — including her sisters, Khloé and Kourtney.

“She’s jealous and competitive with her sisters,” he shares. Desperate to be famous, Damon says, Kim doesn’t seem to care whom she hurts — whether it’s friends, lovers or even her own family.

“She can’t write or sing or dance, so she does harmful things in order to validate herself in the media,” he says. “That’s a fame-whore to me. It’s just not cool at all.” And while a rep for the Kardashian sisters says they’re “best friends and very supportive of one another,” Damon disagrees.

“Jealousy is a big thing” with Kim, he says, revealing that when he knew her, Kim would “do whatever it takes” in order to get ahead.

If Kim’s sisters feel wronged by her, Damon says, they aren’t the only ones. In fact, he believes Kim was behind the recent release of court papers, filed during their 2003 divorce, in which she claimed he beat her — a claim he emphatically denies.

“It’s just absolutely not true,” he says, adding that Kim never filed for a restraining order or a protective order throughout their marriage, and simply accused him of abuse in order to get “a lot of money” out of him. Damon says, he was the one who filed for divorce first. And he did it because Kim was cheating on him with “multiple guys.” Kim has denied this claim. Still, Kim managed to lure Damon back into the relationship for a brief time, during which, he says, she convinced him to finance extravagant shopping sprees and extensive plastic surgery — including a boob job and liposuction.

“She wanted to have that lifestyle,” he explains. “She wanted to be what she ultimately became.” And Damon was willing to finance it — until he saw her on the cover of a magazine on a date with Jennifer Lopez’s ex, Cris Judd.

“I saw my wife with another man, wearing the clothes that we had just bought after her lipo,” he says. “It was not something as a husband you ever wanted to see.”

[From In Touch Weekly]

Eh. I mean, sure, I kind of believe some of Damon’s story. I think Kim probably used him for his money and connections, and I also think he probably paid for Kim’s earliest plastic surgery. I also believe that Kim is living her particular dream – to be famous. Since she didn’t have talent, she just willed herself into fame through her ass and a sex tape. However… I do tend to think the marriage was abusive. I mean, he was so much older, and the way Kim and her family have spoken about the marriage… it just seems like there’s something there. I understand that Damon is trying to pass off the abuse claims as Kim just wanting money, but why would Kim go into such specifics about “he beat me just before we hung out with Justin Timberlake” stuff? I don’t know, Damon’s story doesn’t make any sense there.

Saturday was the big Correspondents’ dinner in Washington, D.C., a night for Hollywood glitterati, the press corps and Washington heavyweights to all join together and get hammered. In the Bush years, the dinner has provided a veritable “Who’s that?” list of names, drawing barely C-list talent for the most part. But Obama has some bigger Hollywood types on his side, so you would expect the dinner to be full of Oscar winners and A-list talent. Not so much. Sure, there were some interesting people there. But there was also Kim Kardashian. And Justin Bieber. And what happened when The Bieb met The Ass? Love!

After they met Saturday at the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner, Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber are becoming fast friends.

Bieber, 16, said the E! reality star, 29, was the person he most wanted to meet — and he did.

He shook hands with her and talked to her for several minutes. They put their arms around one another, took out their phones and took pictures of themselves posing together.

After they posed, Kardashian Twittered that she officially had ” Bieber fever.” He then called her his “girlfriend.”

A short time later, Ryan Seacrest Twittered to Bieber “Now she wants to know are you guys really dating? Ha”.

[From Us Weekly]

Kim sounds like she was just being sweet to the kid, but you seriously never know. Kim is single and mingling. Will she seduce the young Bieb and make him a man? Does The Bieb have a “type” and is that type voluptuous, farty-looking, Botoxed reality stars? We’ll see, on a whole new season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

By the way, does Kim put on her makeup with a shovel?

I’ve been saying for weeks now that Kim Kardashian had something done to her face. I don’t even think it was just some Bo to the Tox either, I think she might have had her eyes done, or a full facelift, because this girl has been looking particularly cat-like lately. Finally, a tabloid is running with the plastic surgery story, only it’s In Touch Weekly, the tabloid I will disbelieve on general principle. And yes, they haven’t sent me their cover story this week and that’s why I’m a little mad. Bitches!

As far as the specific claims that Kim has had a nose job, Botox, fillers and butt injections (ha), I’m not so sure. Nose job, check. It’s smaller and narrower, despite her denials. Botox, maybe. Fillers, definitely, in my opinion. Butt injections? That’s the one I’m kind of “meh” about. While my ass isn’t identical to Kim’s, I do have the “big bubble butt” genes, and I could totally buy that Kim’s ass is all natural.

Here’s Kim and her all-natural face yesterday in LA. Yikes.

Kim Kardashian in LA on April 27, 2010. Credit: WIC/Fame Pictures. In Touch cover courtesy of ITW online.

Everyone knows that Kim Kardashian was married once, right? She eloped with Damon Thomas in 2000, when she was 19 or 20 years old, and they divorced 4 years later. I knew that Kim was married before, but I always thought she was married to someone older and traditional, but as it turns out, she was married to some dude named Damon Thomas, who is quite a bit older than Kim, but I wouldn’t really call him “traditional”. Unless your definition includes “wife beater”. Allegedly. This is according to Star Magazine, who are totally SHOCKED that Kim was married, much less to a wife-beater. I think Star must have gotten their hands on the legal papers of Kim’s divorce…? Here’s a photo of Damon, he’s the shorter one:

Here’s Star’s online excerpt:

Following her split from Reggie Bush, Kim Kardashian is rebounding quite nicely with Portugese soccer stud Cristiano Ronaldo, but her million dollar smile is masking dark secrets.

In the May 3 issue of Star, on sale today, we have the shocking details about Kim’s hush-hush marriage to Damon Thomas as well as their divorce nightmare. In newly uncovered court documents obtained by Star, Kim claims her husband of four years — a partner at Underdog Entertainment, who has worked singers including Pink and Katharine McPhee — flew into jealous rages, punched her, threatened her life and instructed her to get plastic surgery to improve her body.

One terrible incident Kim recalls occurred the day they were supposed to be taking a fun trip skydiving with Justin Timberlake.

“Before we left our home, Damon hit me in the face and cut my lip open,” Kim claims. “I fell into the bed frame and banged my knee hard. I was limping when we went skydiving.”

Get the full story – including the legal papers and how she’s still struggling to move on — in the new issue of Star today!

[From Star Magazine]

Yikes. And it gets worse! Jezebel has more details from the cover story:

As you may recall, Kim Kardashian secretly married music producer Damon Thomas in 2000, and her family only learned about it when Kourtney found her marriage license.

The two divorced in 2004 and Star has court documents Kim filed in which she says Damon beat her and threatened her life. In the papers Kim describes how Damon made her ask permission when she wanted to leave their house, wanted her home at 4:30 to cook him dinner, and gave her money “for liposuction that Damon suggested I have because he wanted me to be perfect.”

The article describes in detail physical abuse Kim claims she suffered, including being punched in the face on multiple occasions, strangling her, and threatening to kill her and her family. Kim also says her father Robert Kardashian once “called me, outraged, to tell me that Damon brought nude pictures of my sister to his office, showed him the photos and said, “Your daughters are whores, and I have the pictures to prove it.’” It’s unclear which sister she’s referring to, but either way it’s horrifying.

[From Star Magazine, via Jezebel]

Alright, this actually makes me have sympathy for Kim. She was with this dude for four years, and she was so young! No wonder Kim looks like she’s going to cry every time Khloe hits someone. It’s like PTSD or something. Battered woman’s syndrome, maybe?

Of course, it could just be that Kim has f-cking terrible taste in men. Judging from this, and from her recent “fling” with Cristiano Ronaldo, she probably shouldn’t be making her own dating decisions. OK and In Touch Weekly had more on the Ronaldo stuff, by the way. According to OK (via Jezebel), Kim’s fling with Ronaldo made Reggie Bush jealous (uh, really?), AND Paris Hilton wanted to get back with Ronaldo, and she and Kim may catfight for him? Ugh. Also, In Touch Weekly’s source agrees that Ronaldo is a douche: “He doesn’t seem like a guy you’d want to date if you want to settle down and have babies.” Yep.

Several days ago, it was widely reported that Kim Kardashian hooked up with Cristiano Ronaldo while she was in Spain. At the time, I didn’t really think anything of it, mostly because I was too entranced by Kim’s “tweaked” face, and because the reporting of the hookup made it sound like it was literally a one night stand. Not even – they f-cked during the day, and Ronaldo made Kim leave his house after a few hours. Anyway, most of the tabloids now have stories about Kim and her new “dangerous” romance. “Dangerous” because Ronaldo is something of an international douche it seems, and he’s going to break poor little Kim’s heart. Here’s Life & Style’s version, who put this nonsense on their damn cover:

Things between Kim Kardashian and new love interest, International soccer stud Cristiano Ronaldo, may be getting steamy but some close to Kim hope the two don’t get too serious. Life & Style has learned Cristiano has an arrest record (charges were dropped) and a reputation for being a massive playboy with a taste for call girls and group sex. Cristiano has reportedly hired prostitutes for group-sex parties on several occasions. When asked how many women the soccer star has slept with, an ex-girlfriend of Cristiano’s laughingly guessed 80,000!

“Cristiano loves to party,” British journalist Debbie Manley, who has followed his scandalous personal life, tells Life & Style. “He’s gone out with paid female escorts. Like a lot of European men, he doesn’t see a problem with that, I don’t think.”

In the past, he’s been known to have friends text women on his behalf to arrange hotel trysts. After having fun, Cristiano leaves solo and asks the woman to wait an hour before she exits, Manley claims. The reason? He doesn’t want to risk getting photographed with her.

“Women throw themselves at his feet,” another insider tells Life & Style. “The last time Cristiano was in LA, I saw three different women trying to push their phone numbers on him at once! He’s a huge celebrity, and he’s gorgeous too.”

And while Cristiano is a fun, sexy rebound, he’s not boyfriend material.

“Cristiano is wild,” adds another insider. “I just don’t think he’ll ever settle down and be faithful to one woman.”

[From Life & Style]

Ugh. For goodness sake. Either Kim knew what she was getting into (likely) when she hooked up with him – ONCE, or she didn’t know but now does, and will likely never see him again. Why the need to feel so protective over Kim? She’s not a girl. She’s a grown woman, nearly 30 years old. If she wants to fly to Europe to get laid, let her.

CB and I were just talking about why this one hookup has garnered so much press. I theorized that it’s because tabloids are lazy, and writing about the Kardashians is so f-cking easy. CB replied: “Maybe that’s part of the reason why these people shot to fame – they’re easy on so many levels.” True fact.

Life and Style cover courtesy of CoverAwards.

As I’ve discussed before, I have a huge 100-pound monster dog. He’s like a little horse, and he’s ugly-beautiful, with a face only a mother could love. And yes, I consider myself his mother. Judge away. Before my current dog, I had a beautiful English setter, but before him, I was a cat person. I was raised a cat person, and I had cat sisters for the first 18 years of my life. I know cats. I love cats. I get the quirky, amazing, can’t-be-bothered elusiveness of a good housecat. I know all about cats, from pregnant kitties to baby kitties to kitties in heat to little whore cats to prowling tomcats to dying kitties. In my soul, I am a cat person, I’ve just taken a little time out to love my puppies.

All of this to say that I hate Kim Kardashian. I hate her because I’m going to come close to defending her and her actions as seen in this photo she tweeted of herself. Technically, this isn’t the absolute worst way to hold a cat. This is the way a mother cat hold her kitten. She picks the kitten up by the scruff of the neck and moves the kitten wherever she thinks the kitten needs to go. I’ve seen people handle cats in similar ways, including more than a few veterinarians. I had one vet who would only hold cats this way – it helps if the cat is a scratcher.

Now, does Kim know how to handle cats? Is she a cat person? She strikes me as a dog person. So is she holding the cat this way because she’s a cruel bitch, or because she’s a pro at handling kitties? I don’t know. But I still hate her. Even if you know how to handle cats, you shouldn’t tweet a photo of yourself dolled up like Desperate Hussy the Cat Dominatrix. Bitch. It looks like she’s saying to her next client: “Do you want some extra p-ssy thrown in?”

Update by Celebitchy: Kim has responded to the controversy over how she’s handling this poor cat, and wrote “rest assured, the owner and vet were on set and showed me how to pick him up. The cat was not harmed in any way and is perfectly fine! I love animals and would never do anything to harm any animals.”

So I was going to write up this days-old story about how Kim Kardashian is probably boning soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo, but as I was looking through these new(er) photos of Kim Kardashian, I have to ask again: did she do something to her face? It’s been looking crazy tight lately. It could just be Botox, because it doesn’t look like her forehead is moving at all – but as far as I know, Botox doesn’t give you cat eyes. Did Kim go under the knife after she and Reggie Bush split? I think she may have.

Anyway, Kim and Reggie are officially over and Kim is officially on the prowl again. Us Weekly reported a few days ago that Kim and Ronaldo hooked up in Spain. The hookup involved a lunch date, a public makeout session, and several hours “in private” at Ronaldo’s house, after which Kim was apparently asked to leave (chuckle). That seems to be the subtext: sex, and then “So, you should get going, I have a lot to do today.” Here’s more:

Newly single Kim Kardashian and hunky Portuguese soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo recently hooked up in Madrid, Spain, a Kardashian pal confirms to UsMagazine.com.

On Monday, Kardashian 29, had a romantic lunch with Real Madrid star Ronaldo, 25, at eatery La Dorado. An onlooker at the restaurant observed the pair “kissing” and being “very affectionate.”

Paparazzi shots show each leaving La Dorado separately. The pair then traveled in separate cars back to Ronaldo’s mansion, where the reality star stayed for several hours.

A Kardashian pal explains that Kardashian and Ronaldo recently met in L.A.; when the athlete heard that Kardashian was in his home city (she watched his team play at a Saturday night game), they decided to meet up.

So far, the hot new couple are “just having fun.” Kardashian is “taking her time,” the pal says. “They both travel a lot, so it’s easy for them to see each other.” Last June, Ronaldo signed a six-year, 80-million euro ($132 million) deal with Real Madrid — reportedly making him the world’s highest-paid soccer player.

Kardashian and New Orleans Saints player Reggie Bush, 25, ended their on-and-off relationship of nearly three years last month. “Sometimes loving each other isn’t enough,” a source explained to Us Weekly. “They wanted different things.”

[From Us Weekly]

Ronaldo really is a big soccer star – he’s big enough that I’ve heard of him. A guy like that has his pick of all of the beautiful European models, actresses, et cetera. Why go for a C-list reality star from America, and one who always photographs looking so Botoxed and farty? No, this was just a hookup. If it happened at all.

By the way, Kim also posed for Harper’s Bazaar naked, and allegedly this photo has not been retouched at all (via HuffPo). I believe it for her face, but not so much for her body. Thoughts?

Here are some more photos of Kim looking very “tight” in the face: