Kirstie Alley announced four months ago that she was going to start her own “Weight Loss Brand.” This was after she was dropped as a spokesperson for Jenny Craig after gaining something like 75 pounds in a year. This week’s National Enquirer has a new cover story about Kirstie and how her health is failing and she’s gaining even more weight as she eats like crazy. You’ve got to find some way to cope with the regret after wasting $5 million on Scientology when future career prospects and enlightenment remain elusive. It seems Kirstie’s weight loss program is still in the planning stages.

The Enquirer says that Kirstie collapsed, but it’s more like she got winded and had to hold on to something:

Kirstie simply can’t control her eating and has packed on almost 100 pounds since leaving the Jenny Craig diet program, insiders say…

She regularly orders calorie-laden Chinese and Thai food - and has also been photographed indulging in frozen desserts at Pinkberry.

“Kirstie’s weight crisis took a turn for the worse when she hit the 240-pound mark. Everyone - from her two kids to her staff to her close friends - is trying to get through to her,” said the source…

Her friends are also worried that her excess weight could lead to life-threatening health conditions like cardiovascular problems and a predisposition to diabetes.

Those fears escalated when the 5-foot-8 star collapsed while walking to her car on a steamy, hot California day.

“Kirstie was walking across a parking lot to her car when she suddenly got lightheaded. As she reached her car, she had to grab onto the door handle because her knees began to buckle.”

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, June 30, 2008]

In March it was announced that Oprah’s Harpo productions had signed a TV deal with Alley. No one knows what it was supposed to be about, but The Enquirer speculates that it was a reality show to follow Kirstie on her weight loss journey. Since just about the only place Kirstie can be found lately is outside a restaurant, that has likely been shelved or put on hold.

It doesn’t seem fair to pick on celebrities for gaining weight, even when it’s as obvious as Kirstie’s weight gain. Since she yakked so much about how she was going to solve the weight issue for an entire generation of Americans, it’s probably ok to point out that it’s been a few months and she hasn’t been able to move forward with her own weight loss. In an undated interview with Scientology Magazine “Source,” Kirstie said “I literally walked in the door of Flag [Scientology center] four weeks ago as one person, and I’m walking out an entirely different being, and I mean entirely different.” Maybe they screwed something up and forgot to subtract the old person first.

Header image is a scan from the cover of the June 30th issue of The National Enquirer on news stands now.

Despite the fact that Kirstie Alley hasn’t yet lost the 75 pounds that she gained back in the past year, prompting Jenny Craig not to renew her contract as spokesperson, she has announced that she’s going to start her own “Weight Loss Brand” in 2009. Maybe she’s doing this to help motivate her to put her money where her mouth isn’t, and hopes that she’ll lose the weight and eventually be able to cash in on it. She’s got to make back some of that $5 million she gave to Scientology somehow:

The weight-loss field is wide open and not immune to new ideas and improved solutions for the fat problems that plague many of us Americans every day. I want to create something new that will help millions of people end the seemingly never ending fatty-roller coaster ride. I am especially passionate about seeing to it that our next generations are not struggling with the same weight issues that my generation has struggled with.

There was a time when America was not fat, and that was in our not-so-distant past. I’m confident that I can create something exciting and innovative: something that if all goes well, will help change a fat America back into a fit America and will offer this country the healthiest, yummiest, easiest and most effective weight-loss program on the market.

If not, I’ll see you at Central Casting.

Oh, but hey, don’t “Call Kirstie” just yet. You’ll be on hold too long. Call me next year.

[Kristie Alley’s statement on People.com]

A lot of you wondered that since the Scientologists are so good at solving everyone’s problems why they didn’t have their own weight loss solution. This obvious question seems to have occurred to them too, and now overweight victims can have their wallets emptied along with their minds. Maybe they’ll lose some weight too.

The Scientologists have front cult recruitment programs for detoxing 9/11 volunteers, for “rehabilitating” criminals, for getting addicts off drugs, and for running successful businesses. It’s only natural that they would have a weight loss front program too. It’s going to take a little while to develop, though, and for Alley to lose all that weight she put back on while she was battling her inner thetans. Several days in the sauna accompanied by blank-eyed minders feeding her nothing but vitamins ought to help get her back on track.

If this cult has anything to do with her new weight loss program, you’re better off spending $5 g to go to expensive all-inclusive weight loss spa for a week. It will be cheaper and ultimately much more rewarding, and you know ahead of time exactly how much it will cost.

Kirstie Alley has once again lost her battle of the bulge. The former Jenny Craig spokeswoman has lost her contract with them after weighing in at an estimated 200 – 220 pounds. Kirstie claimed that she was 145 pounds at her slimmest on Jenny Craig. Unfortunately it seems she wasn’t able to maintain that weight loss. According to the National Enquirer, Alley is desperate to lose weight, and has turned to an alternative medicine clinic to help her achieve her goals.

Now the 57-year-old “Cheers” star has turned to an alternative medical procedure to curb her cravings and lose weight - a regimen featuring acupuncture and herbal medicines. She is going to the Chinese Healing Institute, which uses alternative medicine to treat a variety of health problems, including eating disorders.

“Kirstie has been going to the Institute a couple of times a week. She’s undergoing acupuncture to curb her cravings for unhealthy food, and receiving potent herbal medicines to suppress her appetite,” said her pal.

[From the National Enquirer, Feb. 25th 2008 print edition]

Though Kirstie claimed on Oprah that she was 219 pounds at her heaviest, friends say she’s been lying about that all along. The Enquirer claims that at her heaviest, Alley was closer to 300 pounds. At her lightest, she was at 175. That’s still a HUGE amount of weight to lose, and it’s not surprising that an actress – or anyone for that matter – wouldn’t want to admit to being close to 300 pounds. I never really bought that she was 145 though. According to the Enquirer, Kirstie is both personally and professional embarrassed by the loss of her Jenny Craig contract. They say that Valerie Bertinelli was brought in during Kirstie’s third year to act as competition for the actress, and that Alley could have been signed to a fourth year if she hadn’t gained so much weight. Queen Latifah is now the new face of Jenny Craig.

My big question is this: if Scientology rids the world of all evils, addictions, and a bunch of other crap, shouldn’t the Scientologists have a solution for all this? Alley claims they cured her drug habit over the course of one class at Narconon. Where’s Foodonon? Surely if they believe they’re the only ones who can really help, they’ve got a solution to this, right? Something tells me even if they came up with one, we wouldn’t be hearing about it. There’s several chubby Scientologists – John Travolta would be another one – how embarrassing would it be for them when whatever alien-based program they came up with inevitably didn’t work? I’m just curious to know if Kirstie Alley, who’s donated millions of dollars to the church, asks herself, “They fixed everything else that’s wrong with my life, why can’t they fix this?” Kirstie is supposedly worried about her health and how it’s affecting her two kids. For that sake, I hope she finds a successful program she can live with.

The Scientology privacy curtain seems to be getting pulled back further and further lately. Either that or thetans are taking over my body and my perception is all warped. I’m guessing it’s a little bit of both. In September Kirstie Alley gave an abbreviation-laced interview to Scientology magazine SOURCE. (Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard was known as SOURCE). In it, Alley talks about how she used to dislike people so much that she loved animals a lot more than most humans. Though to be fair, I feel the same way about cheese. Anyway, apparently that was all changed after a little time at some abbreviation/lingo-filled Scientology summer camp.

“So this experience at Flag changed me totally. I can’t say enough about it, because I literally walked in the door of Flag four weeks ago as one person, and I’m walking out an entirely different being, and I mean ENTIRELY different.

My viewpoint on the fourth dynamic and mankind and other people changed. You know, I liked animals more than people! OK, I liked certain people, but the idea of mankind’-it really irritated me!

“But since being here in the AO and receiving some incredible auditing, combined with seeing the OT Summit, I started taking more and more responsibility for mankind. Then I realized why mankind upset me so much -it’s because I wasn’t taking responsibility!

“Now, I have genuine affinity for mankind and I’m up to taking genuine responsibility for mankind.

[From SOURCE, transcription found at http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~dst/Secrets/Kirstie/]

You know if Kirstie Alley were one fifth as popular with the paparazzi as Britney Spears is, she’d be locked up at UCLA right now. Luckily for Kirstie, no one gives a damn about her outside of Jenny Craig and the Celebrity Centre. (Don’t forget the “re” in Centre, so you remember that it’s old fashioned and/or classy). Reading through any propaganda put out by Scientologists requires some major Wikipedia usage. I won’t even bother to explain most of the made-up crap terms they talk about. Suffice it to say that Flag is the name of their big church in Clearwater, where they hold a lot of their seminars/brain washes. Fox News also points out that Kirstie says she’s a Solo Nots Auditor. Big deal. My cat’s a solo nuts auditor after I took him to the vet for surgery, but he doesn’t make a big deal about it.

Alley, whose career has been mostly a muddle since “Cheers” went off the air in the 1990s, is described in the piece as a “Solo NOTS Auditor, Diamond Meritorious of the IAS and a founding member of the Super Expansion Project.”

What does all that mean?

Well, Solo Nots Auditor is a high-level Scientologist who spends several hours a day, according to their glossary, exorcising “body thetans” or aliens who are stuck to their bodies.

Diamond Meritorious is more interesting. This means Alley has donated a staggering $5 million to the International Association of Scientology.

[From Fox News]

Sometimes the Scientologists make it so easy to mock them that it’s not even fun. Give me a challenge, make me think a little! When the jokes just present themselves eagerly it leads to a very dull day. Both Kirstie Alley and Tom Cruise have talked a lot about how Scientologists are the only people who can really help the rest of us. Something about saving us from our own thetan souls. Ian Gurvitz of the Huffington Posts noted:

No longer plagued by original thought, discursive reasoning, or any financial assets whatsoever, they have become the kind of people who are so right in the mind that when they drive past an automobile accident, they know they are the only one in the world who can help. That is because they will be driving a combination ambulance and tow truck, and will have been trained as an insurance adjuster and EMT technician.

[From the Huffington Post]

Thank goodness we have Kirstie Alley again. When she was still a messed up/pissy Scientologist this past summer, she probably would have driven right by our wrecked car, or stopped just long enough to grab our dog out of the front seat. But now that she’s gone to the Flag AO OT Summit and donated what’s probably amounted to tens of millions of dollars, she’s seen the error of her ways. Now she’ll stop at our wrecked car, administer some thetan auditing, and grab our dog out of the front seat.

Note by Celebitchy: Here are scans of Kirstie’s crazy promotional interview, thanks to professor Dave Touretzky in the Computer Science Department at Carnegie Mellon University. For more background on Scientology, read his article in Razor.

Full page versions

Larger readable versions

Kirstie Alley gives an interview about her “religion” Scientology in this week’s issue of In Touch. In it, she defends Tom Cruise and says that Scientology is as valid – and complex – as any other religion, and deserves the same respect. Alley also says that Scientologists have their own language, and that’s why Tom Cruise came off as such a nutball (my word, not hers) in all the Scientology videos that have been released over the last two weeks. She compares us listening to them to a Rabbi talking to Christians. I’m not sure how offended I should be by that.

The videos were made for Scientologists. And - we use abbreviations a lot - Tom was using words meant for a Scientology audience. On the web, the video is taken out of context. It’s like a rabbi addressing a Christian church speaking in Hebrew - no one would understand him.

[From In Touch, print edition, February 4, 2008]

Alley also goes on to say that the videos were edited to make Tom seem foolish. I don’t want to be a total bitch here, but it doesn’t take a lot to make Tom Cruise seem foolish. He does a pretty good job left to his own devices.

There’s a lovely section on how Scientologists help people during catastrophes. You know, like how they rushed to the World Trade Center, and continue to honor themselves for their 911 detox program. They were also ever-present (and apparently ever annoying) after the Virginia Tech shootings and the Oklahoma City bombing:

“We have different things called “assists.” For example, after the Oklahoma City bombing, I went in with the Red Cross to help give kids that were in comas assists and after, all of them were doing better. Did I cure them? I’m not going to say I did. The word is assist, you can assist something to be better. That’s why Tom said, ‘We’re Scientologists. It’s our responsibility.’”

[From In Touch, print edition, February 4, 2008]

You “assist something to be better.” That’s a good example of Scientology phrasing. I will point out that one common feature of cults is unusual verbiage and repetition of phrases specific to that cult. It’s also a common technique used to brainwash someone.

And what of Tom’s prestigious “Freedom Medal of Valor” that he’s shown receiving in one of the videos?

“You win Freedom Medal in our church by doing something extraordinary - about the call of duty in the area of human rights or civil rights. I won one once - I was an international spokesperson for Narconon, which is a drug rehab and education program.

[From In Touch, print edition, February 4, 2008]

Narconon is one of the sneakier Scientology scams. It’s designed to sound like Al-anon, Narcotics Anonymous, and Alcoholics Anonymous. You don’t really think about it when you hear the name, and you assume Narconon, which is run by the church of Scientology, is related to these other legitimate twelve step programs. Narconon is just another program used by Scientologists to take advantage of desperate, vulnerable people. But Alley has no problem shilling for it to In Touch.

Kirstie also describes how Scientology saved her life. She says that while driving to California to become an actress, it took her 26 days to get there because she had to stop and score cocaine all over the country. She then supposedly walked into ONE Scientology session and came out never craving drugs again.

[From In Touch, print edition, February 4, 2008]

Kirstie Alley concludes the interview by talking about how Scientologists aren’t perfect, but they want the same decency and “unbigotedness” (I think she means freedom of religion) that every other religion receives. Of course to request that, you’d have to debate the definition of religion… and the definition of a cult.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Kirstie Allen at the Mission Impossible III premiere in L.A on 5/4/2006. Images thanks to PR Photos.

It just keeps getting better for Scientology. Last week a ton of videos came out of Tom Cruise spouting their in-terminology and laughing maniacally. The “church” tried to yank the videos off YouTube and wherever else they were hosted and every time they’d get rid of one, several others would pop up around the web. Fellow gossip site Gawker told the Scientology lawyers to go screw themselves and decided to personally host the videos despite a copyright claim, stating they were newsworthy and couldn’t be censored. Now The Sun has an unintentially humorous indoctrination video from the cult from over 10 years ago. It features John Travolta, Mimi Rogers, and Kirstie Alley proselytizing.

At the beginning the guy says: “If you leave this room after seeing this film and walk out and never mention Scientology again, you are perfectly free to do so. It would be stupid, but you can do it. You can also dive off a bridge or blow your brains out. That is your choice.” LOL!!

Here’s a transcript of the rest of the video that I typed up:

If you leave this room after seeing this film and walk out and never mention Scientology again, you are perfectly free to do so. It would be stupid, but you can do it. You can also dive off a bridge or blow your brains out. That is your choice.

But if you don’t walk out that way, if you continue with Scientology, we will be very happy with you, and you will be very happy with you.

- switch to Scientology store -
Lady in Scientology store: So I would recommend that you get this package to start.

Guy: Shouldn’t they also get a copy of Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health?

Lady: Of course, then they’ll see the adventure of it, and they’re at liberty to buy any of these books, they’ll watch all of them sooner or later anyway.

- switch to office with two guys in suits -

Guy in office setting: Now these graphs are done before and after a person has received 12 and a half hours of auditing or what we call an intensive. These are personality traits, these are what they were before the person received auditing and these show how they were improved. Also the person’s IQ or intelligence increased, and he became 19 points smarter.

Another guy: Does that mean that psychology and Scientology are similar?

Original graph guy: oh no, but it shows you what happens when you address the spirit, not the brain. Even the theory of evolution has never proven that something else isn’t making it all happen. Psychology and psychiatry are proven failures. Stone age.

- Public office -
The success through communication course is the most popular. One learns how to handle others with communication alone. And there are sometimes special courses that can assist one to handle specific areas or problems in his life.

- back to original guy from the beginning -
You may well ask the question, “What are the advantages of Dianetics and Scientology for me?” So, let’s ask some people.

Mimi Rogers? Anne Archer (just labeled as “Actress” in video): Scientology did make me freer to express myself, but what it really did for me, was save my life, and made me feel for the first time the best at what I naturally am.

Kirstie Alley (just labeled “Actress”): To tell you the honest to God truth without Scientology I would be dead. So, I can personally highly recommend it.

John Travolta (just labeled “Actor”): Well basically, there’s no part of my life that Scientology hasn’t helped.

Another guy (Michael Roberts, not labeled): But whatever you do, remember that you’re always welcome in Scientology.

[Transcript of the video available on The Sun website and shown below]

Here’s the video. Is the last guy Isaac Hayes? I can’t really tell because he’s younger and I’ve never seen him talking on tape. Please let me know if you can help identify all the brainwashed celebrities at the end.

Update: The guy at the end is an actor named Michael Roberts, and I incorrectly identified Anne Archer as Mimi Rogers. Thanks to Critter, Geronimo and Poof for the help.

Is it wrong of me not to be impressed with Kirstie Alley in a swimsuit? I mean she looks a lot better than she did, but maybe she shouldn’t have agreed to this. She should get credit for having the nerve and going through it, there’s no doubt about that.

Cults trap members into what cult expert Margaret Singer called a “closed system of logic” where only pro-cult rhetoric is permitted. Cults seek to impair and dismiss personal reasoning skills so that members can’t think themselves out of the situation.

Case in point: Juliette Lewis, 32, and Kirstie Alley, 55, long term members of the cult of Scientology. Lewis, appearing with her band Juliette and the Licks at the SXSW music festival in Austin on 3/17, wore a skin tight lemon-yellow body suit with criss cross metal buttons. Alley fared slightly better while also wearing a skin tight outfit at Celebrity Fight Night 12. Alley donned a fitted lingerie slip with a lacey flared bolero jacket.

Whether these two could benefit from the psychiatric drugs forbidden by their cult is up to debate. We think they might dress better if they were simply able to think for themselves.

Pictures [via] and [via]