You’ll have to excuse my ignorance, but I don’t watch The Hills. Whenever I catch a glimpse of it, I’m filled with rage and I end up yelling at the television screen. It’s not even that I find Lauren Conrad or Audrina Patridge or any of the other people (whose names I don’t want to learn) that disgusting. It’s that I find the idea of this kind of faux-reality entertainment disgusting. I watch shows like House (which was really good last night, wasn‘t it?), NCIS, 30 Rock and The Office - you know, shows with good writing, interesting character development, and a more solid basis in reality than The Hills.

So that’s my rant. I don’t know why the show is popular, and I don’t why The Hills cast members are so popular, and I really don’t know why they’re getting paid so much to wander around and be vapid. If that makes me an old fart, so be it. But these new revelations about their salaries has my blood boiling. Lauren Conrad is exiting The Hills after making $125,000 an episode. Kristen Cavallari is starting off with a $90,000 an episode salary. Make. It. Stop.

As the hit MTV show returns, Nicole LaPorte exclusively uncovers payday drama: Kristin makes $90,000 per episode compared to Spencer’s $65,000 and Audrina’s $100,000. Plus, Spencer spills on his co-stars and view our gallery of reality TV salaries.

As of Tuesday, as any tween worth their Juicy Couture jeans will tell you, “The bitch is back”—i.e., Kristin Cavallari is joining the MTV docusoap The Hills as its resident diva. She’s replacing Lauren Conrad, who’s been the good-girl star of the series until she started complaining of Hills fatigue and decided, after five seasons, to leave.

It won’t be Cavallari’s first reality-TV stint (hence, why she’s “back.”). Her fangs were first bared on Laguna Beach, the precursor to The Hills, which followed Conrad and her posse of hot and fabulous friends when they were “regular” high-school students in a town that makes Malibu look like the slums.

The Hills, which debuted in 2006, caught up with Conrad when she moved to Los Angeles and found a new group of hot and fabulous friends—including the infamous, and beyond blond, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, aka “Speidi,” as the tabloids have anointed the couple—whose lives are just as surreal: Despite entry-level jobs in fashion and media, they all live in opulent apartments, drive fancy cars, and eat out at chic restaurants. Oh—and they can afford plastic surgery. (Think Sex and the City for the barely legal.)

After Laguna Beach ended, Cavallari tried to leverage her own 15 minutes into something more: becoming a “real” actress. But that didn’t pan out as planned—most of the roles she landed were in direct-to-DVD releases, such as Van Wilder: Freshman Year—and so now she’s returning to reality TV. Through her publicist, Cavallari declined to comment.

The move may seem counterintuitive, or like a kind of consolation prize. But that’s hardly the case, considering that MTV is so desperate to keep The Hills—its highest-rated show by a mile—alive and thriving that it’s shelling out major dough to the cast, marking a paradigm shift in the business: Reality TV as the cheap alternative to scripted programming? Not anymore.

Cavallari is being paid $90,000 an episode, which is almost as much as Conrad was making: $125,000 an episode (or $2.5 million a year), according to a person with knowledge of the show’s contracts. Conrad’s deal stipulated that no other star’s salary could match hers while she was on The Hills, but those of supporting cast members Audrina Patridge, Lauren “Lo” Bosworth, and Montag come close: $100,000 a show. As for Pratt, his rate is a slightly less at $65,000 per show, because he only joined as a regular in 2008. (In comparison, the stars of The Real Housewives series receive a reported $30,000 a show.) In the case of Brody Jenner, Conrad’s BFFWB (Best Friend Forever With Benefits), he takes in $45,000.

And that’s just what they get paid for doing their day job. The Hills and its stars have become such a name brand—in certain circles—that Cavallari and Co. receive between $20,000 and $25,000 for personal appearances—which last no more than two hours—at events such as club and gallery openings, according to Mike Esterman, a celebrity booking agent. When Speidi showed up at a Valentine’s Day gala in Las Vegas, Pratt and Montag each took home $30,000. And Montag’s recent Playboy cover shoot—she graced the September issue of the magazine—earned her $375,000 plus a generous chunk of royalties, despite the fact that she didn’t take it all off.

[From The Daily Beast]

CB wants me to point out that The Hills stars are actually making a lot less than other “primetime stars” like Hugh Laurie ($300,000 an episode), Charlie Sheen ($350,000 an episode) or Ellen Pompeo ($200,000 an episode). Also, the voice talent on a show like The Simpsons get huge salaries, just for their voice work – something like $400,000 per episode. What’s interesting about that is when you consider The Hills’ advertising demographic – advertisers are probably paying through the nose to get ads on new episodes, just because The Hills’ viewership is young, dumb, upper-middle-class, and will buy anything. If you look at it that way, MTV is probably making a bigger profit from their hit show than any network – and perhaps the reality stars deserve even more money. Gah!

Lo Bosworth, Audrina Patridge and Stephanie Pratt are shown filming The Hills on 9/18/09. Credit: WENN.com

Yesterday we heard the rumors that John Mayer was hooking up secretly with The Hills star Kristin Cavallari, and with his ex girlfriend, Jessica Simpson. Mayer has actually been spotted at the same place and time as Simpson a few times since her breakup with Tony Romo, so to me that seems more likely. Kaiser thinks Mayer [probably wouldn't go back for seconds, but I tend to side with Lainey at Lainey's gossip, who writes that John could be doing it to stroke his malformed ego, and that he doesn't really want Jessica back, "he just wants to know that he could have her back."

John has denied half of these rumors on his Twitter account, and his tweets on the matter are pretty amusing, so we'll repeat them here. He's probably not being original, but some of these expressions are new to me and they're pretty damn funny. (These are in reverse Twitter order from oldest to newest)

Rumor control: How do I put this like a gentleman...I have never high fived Kristin Cavalari with my pen*s.
about 9 hours ago from Twittelator

I'm sure she's a wonderful gal but we have never tasted the Skittles Rainbow together.
about 9 hours ago from Twittelator

My Milli has never slam danced with her Vanilli.
about 9 hours ago from Twittelator

I have never Bensoned her Hedges, nor have I attempted to Bartle her James.
about 8 hours ago from Twittelator

[From John Mayer's twitter]

All right, Mayer, we get it. I almost got distracted by his creative denials and forgot that Mayer is also featured on the cover of In Touch this week with a sad-looking picture of Jessica Simpson and the title “Desperate Hookup: Jessica humiliates herself by reuniting with the man who betrayed her.” Surely Mayer has seen that cover and has something to say about it, right? Unless it’s true and he doesn’t want to lie and hurt Jessica’s feelings at the same time. InTouch isn’t known for being the most reliable source, but I get the feeling that something did happen between them. Did John promise Jessica that things would be different this time around?

John is shown outside Katsuya on 8/19/09 Credit: Fame Pictures

There have been rumors about Jessica Simpson and John Mayer rekindling their relationship ever since Tony Romo unceremoniously dumped Jessica the night before her birthday. There were even some rumors that Mayer was one of the reasons Tony dumped Jessica – something about sexy, naughty texts from Mayer that Tony allegedly found on Jessica’s phone. After the Romo-Simpson split, many were surprised that John kept his mouth shut. He neither defended Jessica, nor kicked her when she was down. His famewhore side was kept in check. Which, in my mind, meant that John probably wanted to rekindle something with Jessica, or the two were already in contact. They were even spotted at a few of the same places - but they never left with each other, and Mayer’s friends denied the rekindled romance.

Now In Touch Weekly’s cover story is claiming that Jessica has had a “desperate hookup” with John Mayer. “Desperate” because Jessica is “humiliating” herself by going back to the guy who treated her like crap, I think. But I could make a case for any hookup involving John Mayer, no matter what the extenuating circumstances, being “desperate”.

Just a few short months ago, Jessica Simpson had her entire future mapped out. She’d marry her boyfriend, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, and start a family, just like she’d always dreamed.

But Jessica has not been so lucky in love. Tony dumped her the day before her 29th birthday in July — and now he’s already moved on with 22-yearold local sportscaster Candice Crawford, whom he’s brought to some of the same restaurants in Dallas he and Jessica used to frequent.

“She can’t believe it,” an insider tells In Touch. “She doesn’t want Tony back, but no one wants to see that their ex has moved on with a hot, younger girl.”

While Jessica’s career is going great — she’s starring in a new show for VH1 called The Price of Beauty — her personal life is kind of a disaster.

“This couldn’t have come at a worse time for Jessica,” the friend adds. “It’s opened up a lot of old wounds. She’s pretty insecure about herself.”

It’s that insecurity that has led Jessica down a dangerous new path — an insider reveals that, in a state of desperation and loneliness, she’s been secretly hooking up with her ex John Mayer, who unceremoniously dumped her in 2007 after they dated for a year.

“They’ve always had an amazing connection,” a business associate of Jessica’s tells In Touch. Ignoring her friends’ warnings that the notorious player will just use her and then break up with her again, Jessica has jumped headfirst into a relationship with the singer now that she and Tony, 29, split.

“Jessica is kidding herself that her and John stand a chance,” says a source.

[From In Touch Weekly]

As Lainey from LaineyGossip likes to point out, Mayer’s shameface when he was with Jessica was totally epic. Would John be capable of having a relationship with Jessica that didn’t involve equal parts humiliation, rage, lust, apathy, embarrassment and degradation? Is he just using Jessica for a quick booty call? Or does his silence speak volumes – that he’s serious about her this time?

There are some rumors spreading around that John has been keeping silent on Jessica because there is literally nothing to say. Janet Charlton is claiming that John has been secretly hooking up with none other than Kristin Cavallari, that waste of space reality star from Laguna Beach and The Hills. According to Charlton’s sources, “They have been hooking up secretly at a mutual friend’s house in the Mt Olympus area of the Hollywood Hills for the past two years! Our source says that Kristin was hesitant to date John publicly because she didn’t want to be added to his long list of conquests, and they were both dating other people off and on. Recently their “friends with benefits” relationship has evolved, and they are actually considering going public.” I have to admit, Kristin seems more Mayer’s type. Mayer doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who revisits old flames very often, so this scenario is probably a lot more likely.

After Lauren Conrad decided she would leave The Hills, there was some talk that the show had no future. People would rather see Speidi’s antics in the tabloids than on their show, and Audrina is too vapid to carry it herself. Instead, producers decided to ask Kristen Cavallari (from the original Laguna Beach) to replace Lauren. It seems that it was a good decision, as Kristen is causing some show-worthy drama during filming. According to reports, she is making up one-liners and hogging the camera from the other actors – and the spoiled Hills stars are not pleased. Specifically, Speidi is predictably pissed off because they like the camera all for themselves. Tension between Kristen and the cast got heated at filming for Audrina’s recent birthday party, where Kristen fake-flirted with Audrina’s on-again-off-again boyfriend Justin Bobby.

Cavallari, who first became known as the bad girl on 2004′s “Laguna Beach,” made a bad first impression when she recently tried to steal the spotlight at Audrina Patridge’s 24th birthday party at L.A.’s London West Hollywood hotel, Starmagazine.com reports.

“Kristin was always making sure to yell out one-liners and hog camera time,” says an eyewitness.

When Cavallari began flirting with Patridge’s on-and-off boyfriend, Justin “Bobby” Brescia, the birthday girl reportedly lost it.

“Kristin was fake giggling and making it look like she liked him,” says a source. “Audrina started yelling at Kristin about how desperate she is and was clapping and yelling, ‘Keep it up! You’re such a good actress!’”

Adds the source, “Obviously, it’s not material they can use on the show, but Audrina didn’t care. She wanted to finally tell Kristin what she thought of her.”

But Patridge is not the only cast member fuming at Cavallari.

Heidi and Spencer Pratt are also angry about the new addition to the reality show, claiming Cavallari is stealing their spotlight.

“They feel like they worked their butts off for the show, and now Kristin just walks on and becomes the new star,” says a source.

[from NY Daily News]

Worked their butts off? They don’t even have to memorize lines. They get a scenario from the producers (typically, “talk about last night”) and just start twirling their hair and rambling on. It is partially due to these producer-created scenarios that Lauren decided to leave in the first place. In a new interview in Cosmopolitan, Lauren says that filming The Hills wasn’t fun anymore as more and more of the show became scripted. The final straw was when producers wrote Heidi into Lauren’s birthday party. On camera, the two made up in the finale of the fourth season, but after filming Lauren decided that enough was enough.

Lauren tells us that The Hills producers insisted on finding ways to bring the two together during season five. “What they didn’t get is that I didn’t want to fight with her anymore,” Lauren explains. It’s hard to look at somebody who used to be your best friend and say, ‘We can’t be friends. Too much has happened.’ I’m trying to move on, but they won’t let me. And when someone keeps pushing you into the same position, well… you get upset.”

What fans didn’t see was the aftermath. “After the producers did that, I disappeared. If they were disrespectful, I was going to be disrespectful back. I told them, ‘You can call me in a week. Think about what you did.’”

[from Cosmopolitan print ed. July 2009]

In the same issue of Cosmo, there’s a funny one-page spotlight by one of those “relationship experts” using photos as proof that Speidi isn’t really in love with each other (though inevitably in love with itself). Their proof? That Heidi is leaning away from Spencer in a few photos.

Lauren is also publishing a quasi-veiled autobiography called L.A. Candy about a girl who mores to Los Angeles and gets cast on a reality show. Some premise for a fictional novel by a reality star. CB says that she has read excerpts, and it’s pretty good considering that Lauren didn’t use a ghost writer. Maybe she has a future outside of reality after all.

Here’s Kristin Cavallari at Club Delux in Hollywood last night, and filming scenes for “The Hills” the day before. Images thanks to Fame Pictures .

Have you noticed that there are much fewer stories about Lindsay Lohan lately? A story in People made it abundantly clear that she’s completely fallen off the wagon. While the gossip magazines and sites covered it, it was barely a blip on our radar. She’s living with a woman and we covered a story that she yelled at Ashley Oslen for trying to talk to her girlfriend, saying “Get your 15-year-old Full House ass away from my girlfriend,” but it only got 7 comments. It’s not like anyone really cares about her at this point. Good for her for staying in a relatively long term relationship even if she’s insanely jealous and drinking again.

The stars of faux reality show “The Hills” get more press coverage than Lohan, and that’s really saying something. Over the weekend there was a story that she drink Shirley Temples and seemed to abstain from alcohol while at a gig her girlfriend, DJ Samantha Ronson, played in Las Vegas on Friday, but with Lohan you never can tell if she’s sneaking vodka into her drinks. Nor does anyone particularly seem to care.

Here she is at the Launch of the Scarlet HD TV Series yesterday, looking rough and awkward in that dress. Also shown are Heidi Montag and Spencer Prat, Emmy Rossum, Kristin Cavallari, Lauren Conrad, Tila Tequila, Vanessa Marcil, Bai Ling, and Travis Barker. Thanks to PRPhotos.

Nicole Richie’s new song, Dandelion, isn’t half bad. It’s not fabulous or catchy and is the same type of breathy remastered bubblegum pop that Paris put out. Still, it’s not awful.

The lyrics tell the story of a guy who cheated on her with a younger chick. She thought he was a flower, but uh, he turned out to be a weed. Original.

This isn’t a video for the song, just a bunch of stills of Nicole with the song playing in the background:

Nicole’s lovelife seems to be back on track. She’s going strong with former “Princes of Malibu” hottie Brody Jenner. Jenner’s ex, onetime “Laguna Beach” star Kristin Cavalleri, may have tried to get back at Nicole by wearing a “You can have him” T-Shirt and later opening flirting with Nicole’s ex and the most likely subject of the Dandelion song, DJ AM. Page Six reports that she was all over him at a party this week. For his part, AM seems to be enjoying being single. A different hot blonde known only as “Lauren” was spotted in his DJ booth on Friday night. It’s doubtful he’ll ever be spinning Richie’s tunes.

Update: Thanks to commenter Bobby J. for pointing out that this song is a cover, which means that there’s no reason to try and read anything about Richie’s love life in the lyrics.

Update: And thanks to the anonymous commentor for letting me know that this demo was recorded way back when she was with DJ AM. I guess we won’t be hearing it on her album. I found this through a YouTube search, so I didn’t have a lot of background information on it and just posted it with the assumption that it was new.

And AM’s girlfriend/companion for the night is said to be model Lauren Hastings.

Here are Nicole and Brody out holding hands in Malibu on 9/3. [via]

19-year old Laguna Beach reality star, Kristin Cavallari, has been linked with newly single Nick Lachey, 32. Cavallari has denied reports that the two are dating, and now it looks like she may be rid of Lachey entirely. While Lachey was in Cincinnati to promote his breakup song, “What’s Left of Me,” Cavallari was making out with her ex in public:

The article in Star speculates that Nick is not over Jessica and mentions that Nick’s friends thought Cavallari was up to no good even before this incident. Still, we doubt that one failed rebound relationship will lead Nick and Jessica to reunite.

Here’s Cavallari with some obvious hair extensions at the premiere for “Yo Mamma,” where she completely denied dating Lachey.