It’s like I’m wearing my happy patch or something today. All wonderful things are happening to celebrity f-ups. Sometimes I lay in bed at night and ask myself “Where is the justice in the world?” Now normally this question has more to do with guys than celebrities, but once in a while Britney does creep in there, and today, I have my answer. Prior to appearing before a judge for her hit-and-run charge, Britney Spears will be booked at the police station. You know what that means, right? Booking photos y’all! (Say that in the Britney Spears valley girl/southern combination).

“Britney Spears was ordered Tuesday to be booked at a police station before she appears in court for her hit-and-run case later this month, a court official said.

“Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Rebecca Omens said Spears, 25, must be booked before she is required to appear in court Oct. 25. Spears did not attend her arraignment on charges of hit-and-run and driving without a valid license.

“The charges stem from an Aug. 6 wreck during which paparazzi filmed Spears steering her car into another vehicle as she tried to turn into a spot in a Studio City parking lot. The video showed her walking away after assessing the damage to her own car.

“The owner of the other car, Kim Robard-Rifkin, filed a police report three days later.”

[From the Associated Press]

Britney Spears is one dumb person. I can’t quite figure out if she’s just incredibly stupid (I’m talking borderline Forest Gump level), incredibly self-centered, or coked out of her mind. I’m guessing it’s a pretty extreme combination of the three. That video of her hitting the other car and then making a show of inspecting her own vehicle is hilarious. It just sums up everything that is Britney Spears so well. Wouldn’t it be amazing if she somehow ended up doing time? I mean I know there’s no chance in hell, but let’s be honest, they could probably find some drugs on her at any given moment. I’m guessing that if the LAPD really committed some time and resources and followed her around long enough, they could definitely catch her doing at least four illegal things everyday. And frankly, I think it’d be worth the man power, if for no other reason than to really amuse me. And let’s be honest, the LAPD was wondering how they could better contribute to celebrity blogs. Here’s their answer.

Picture note by Celebitchy: Britney Spears is shown outside a Mexican restaurant yesterday. She went shopping for beauty products, and also visited a medical center for what was assumed to be a random drug test. She is said to have passed her last test. I wonder who that woman holding her dog and looking at her admiringly is? Thanks to WENN for these photos.

I really have absolutely no respect for Michelle Rodriguez. It seems like she’s just an extremely self-centered individual the likes of which you don’t often see – even in Hollywood. Rodriguez has been sentenced to six months is jail for not completing her community service – and forging documents to make it look like she did. How much did she forget to do? One day. So instead of just showing up and doing something useful for someone else (not to mention paying her debt to society) Rodriguez forged the documents – and was caught. Now she’ll have a good long while to think about her selfishness – and I’m guessing eventually bitch and moan on her blog about how she didn’t deserve it and it’s all everyone else’s fault. That was her reaction after having to wear an ankle alcohol monitoring bracelet due to her DUIs. Poor dear, if only the legal system would ease up and change its strict, archaic laws and let people get hammered and swerve along winding highways. And don’t fear that Michelle will be let out after a few hours due to prison overcrowding like last time – the judge has specifically prohibited it.

“Michelle Rodriguez was sentenced Wednesday to six months in jail for violating probation in a DUI case. ‘(She) admitted violating her probation by failing to provide proof of completion of her community service and for consuming alcohol three times while wearing an alcohol-monitoring device,’ said the L.A. City Attorney’s office in a statement. The Lost star must report to a Los Angeles County jail by Dec. 24. Superior Court Judge Daviann L. Mitchell also ruled that the actress is not to be granted an early release, despite L.A.’s jail overcrowding. She was also ordered to complete 30 days of road clean-up duty.

“The City Attorney’s office had alleged that Rodriguez turned in a false document showing that she completed one day of service on Sept. 25, court filings show. The actress later stated that she was in New York on that date. Her attorney, Shawn Chapman Holley, did not immediately respond to requests for comment. Last month, her previous attorney, Richard Beada, said: ‘We believe this is all due to a clerical error. My client did complete the full 30 days.’ Rodriguez, 29, had been serving an extended probation term for numerous driving infractions.

“In May 2006, she served only four hours and 20 minutes of a two-month sentence at the Lynwood, Calif., jail for violating probation, stemming from a DUI arrest in Hawaii in December 2005. She served, however, just over two days in a Honolulu jail in that case. In June 2004, Rodriguez had been placed on three years’ probation after pleading no contest to DUI and driving with a suspended license from two separate incidents in the Hollywood area in 2003.”

[From People]

Well at least she’s serving a lot of time and going to be forced to do some more community service. Normally I’d be annoyed if a person had to do was community service, but that seems to be what Michelle hates the most. I mean she actually chose jail over it one point. So I hope she’s forced to spend a lot of time helping other people – I can think of few things that would make her angrier. And we all know she has a bit of a fondness for the ladies in prison. I think it’s something about all the denim they wear.

I can’t believe she was stupid enough to drink while wearing an alcohol monitoring device. She’d claimed in several of her blogs and interviews that the thing would go off if there were any alcohol in her mouthwash or shampoo – it was that sensitive. She was probably planning on blaming her drinks on the bracelet. Or I could be full of it, I just want to believe the worst about her at this point. I hope they stick her in a daycare for community service. I can think of few things that would make her pissier than a bunch of happy toddlers. Not fair to the kids, but fun for me.

Picture note by Celebitchy: Michelle Rodriguez is shown on 9/29/07 outside of court after she was told she would have to complete just 16 hours of community service to serve her debt to society. That’s just two freaking days and she couldn’t manage it! Thanks to Splash News for these pics.

Well Kiefer Sutherland copped a plea deal in his DUI case, and is set to start serving 48 days in jail right before Christmas. That makes me happy. I’m not really a fan of his (I know a lot of you are die hard “24” addicts) – he’s just got way too long a rap sheet for me. Whenever I see him on TV, I keep thinking (DUI DUI DUI DUI) – it’s distracting enough that I really can’t enjoy the guy. Which is too bad, because I’m told he’s pretty talented. According to the terms of the agreement, Sutherland doesn’t have to do all his time at once. Boy is that a cushy deal. Why not just give him a Lay-z-boy and a selection of fancy chicken nuggets in his cell while you’re at it?

“‘Based on the agreement, Sutherland will first serve 18 straight days in county jail for violating probation’ says veteran DUI attorney Lawrence Taylor. ‘He’ll be spending Christmas and New Year’s behind bars.’

“After that, Sutherland, 40, will have six months to complete an additional 30 days for the DUI – which he can even serve on weekends if he chooses to do so. He’ll be allowed to serve the second portion of his sentence in a city jail (which is seen as less harsh than a county facility).”

[From People]

It sounds like the National Guard for drinkers. “If you’re willing to commit two weeks a year and one weekend a month, you too can drink all you want and then drive home, probably running over a wide assortment of animals.” I think the California legal system should put that on some fliers. I’m glad he’s going to do some actual jail time, I just think it should interfere with his life a little more.

“The 24 star is ordered to appear in Metropolitan Court in Los Angeles on Dec. 21 for formal sentencing. He’s expected to plead no contest to a misdemeanor DUI count and admit that he violated probation from a 2004 DUI conviction. He will then be taken into custody by sheriff deputies on the spot and transported to the L.A. Men’s Central Jail. The plea deal stipulates that he cannot be released on home electronic monitoring. Sutherland released a statement late Tuesday saying, ‘I’m very disappointed in myself for the poor judgment I exhibited recently, and I’m deeply sorry for the disappointment and distress this has caused my family, friends and co-workers on 24 and at 20th Century Fox. I appreciate the support and concern that has been extended to me these last weeks both personally and professionally.’

“His studio, 20th Century Fox, indicated that the jail term would not affect the show’s production. Sutherland will have until July 1 next year to show proof to the court that he completed the 30 days of jail time. Anything less will be deemed as another probation violation, the agreement says. Sutherland will also be sentenced to five years’ probation, complete an 18-month alcohol education program and attend weekly alcohol therapy sessions for six months.”

[From People]

On the one hand, I’m glad that it seems like celebs are having to serve actual time and aren’t getting as much special treatment lately. On the other hand, the guy has a really long rap sheet, and I don’t think something as convenient as this jail sentence is going to do anything to temper his self-destructive, entitled attitude.

Anand Jon Alexander, founder and designer of the celebrity-loved clothing line Anand Jon, has been charged with 59 counts of sexual assault involving 28 different victims. There’s a mix of felony and misdemeanor counts, and the charges include everything from rape to battery to committing a lewd act on a child. It’s just disgusting. Alexander’s website is still up, in which he has lots of pictures of himself posing with celebrities (including a very bleary-eyed Paris Hilton in what appears to be a pretty old photo). Basically the guy would find women on the internet, lure them over to his place with promises of modeling opportunities, and then attack them. But of course according to his lawyers, a lot of the women are making these claims to become famous. I can think of few things I’d less like to become famous for than that, and I’m guessing all women are with me.

“Celebrity fashion designer Anand Jon Alexander was indicted on 59 counts of sexual assault in a move prosecutors said Thursday would keep his accusers from having to testify at a preliminary hearing. Prosecutors previously charged Alexander with more than 40 felony and misdemeanor counts involving 18 victims that included rape, sexual battery and committing a lewd act on a child. He pleaded not guilty to the earlier charges. The indictment, unsealed Thursday, added two more victims to the original case, bringing the total number of victims to 20, and said the crimes targeted women and girls from 15 to 27 between November 2002 and March 2007.

“Alexander, 33, is suspected of meeting women on the Internet then assaulting them when they visited with him about modeling opportunities. His defense has claimed some of the women made the allegations to seek fame. Alexander’s lawyer, Anthony Brooklier, said in some of the cases, the victims either kept in contact or met with the fashion designer after the alleged crimes occurred. ‘We think this is made up of whole cloth, the entire case,’ Brooklier said Thursday outside of court.”

[From USA Today]

The asshole is also under investigation in several other states for doing the same. Luckily the guy has been held in jail – he strikes me as the type that will just keep doing what he’s doing – but then again, most sex offenders are that way. This guy is so disgusting. That isn’t even a strong enough word. It looks like most of the celebrity photos on his site are reasonably old, so hopefully people aren’t associating with him anymore. If I were the designer clothing sort and had any of his stuff, it would currently be residing in the fire pit in the backyard with a healthy layer of kerosene and fire.

Boy do I love me some Q-list celebrities. And who’s more Q-List than Danny Bonaduce? Maybe a random Playboy Playmate, but that’s it. Bonaduce, who was on “The Partridge Family” back in the day and “Breaking Bonaduce” more recently, lost his temper for the 283,485,382,384,381,593 time at the most prestigious of awards show, the Fox “Really Awards” and flipped out on ex-Survivor contestant Jonny Fairplay. Yeah, who? I don’t know. Some dude with curly hair. Fairplay jumped on Bonaduce, basically shoving his crotch in his face (quite acrobatic, if nothing else) which seemed to piss Bonaduce off. Welcome to every woman’s Saturday night, dude.

“Danny Bonaduce is being investigated for battery for tossing ex-Survivor contestant Jonny Fairplay over his shoulder during an award show Tuesday. Fairplay, 33, filed a police report Wednesday claiming that his teeth were knocked out during the incident at the FOX Reality Really Channel awards held at the Hollywood club Boulevard3, the Associated Press reports.”

“Police received the battery report around 2 a.m. at a Hollywood hospital where Fairplay was being treated, Officer April Harding told the AP. ‘He had one tooth broken, another tooth missing from his gum line and two other teeth that were loose,’ she said.

“During the awards show, Fairplay was being jeered onstage when Bonaduce, 48, came onto the stage and said into the microphone, ‘They’re booing because they hate you’” (Fairplay, a wrestler who came in third on the 2003′s Survivor: Pearl Islands, was criticized by many viewers for having lied about the death of lie his grandmother in order to win sympathy from other competitors.)”

“According to police, Fairplay said he then tried to hug Bonaduce. In a video clip of the incident, Fairplay is seen jumping into Bonaduce’s arms. In reaction, Bonaduce tossed Fairplay up and over his head and onto the floor. Fairplay then got up and ran offstage while holding his hand over his mouth.”

[From People]

Bonaduce’s defense? Fairplay was throttling him, and he had to throw him off to stop him. It’s hard to see from the video, there’s a lot of touching of parts that usually don’t touch, and it seems to happen pretty quickly. Bonaduce did mention, “I’m sorry he got hurt.” Alright, and I’m sure you mean it. Supposedly Fairplay had to go through 2 ½ hours of dental surgery after the attack. I don’t think that’s anything shocking in and of itself, that’s what it takes for a root canal. But I’m sure he had some significant mouth injuries, and no matter what he’s probably in a lot of pain. “It knocked one tooth out and then it moved three others. One tooth is, like, shattered eight times.” Well I’d say if nothing else, it’s a good moral lesson for the rest of us: no matter what he does, don’t jump on Danny Bonaduce. Good to know.

Update by Jaybird: The District Attorney has decided not to charge Bonaduce with any crime, noting “It did not appear that the suspect intentionally tried to cause injuries, but simply reacted to the victim’s actions.”

You know what makes me happy? The thought of O.J. Simpson being someone’s bitch in prison. Yeah I know the likelihood that he’ll go to prison is pretty slim – it’s O.J. after all, he could go all Rambo on the inside of a police precinct and somehow get away with it. And I know the likelihood that he’d be someone’s bitch is also pretty slim – but a girl can dream, right? And that’s my dream, because I have a frighteningly retributive nature. But after the thought of O.J. going to prison and O.J. bending over, the thing that makes me the next happiest is O.J. losing all his stuff to Fred Goldman & Company. I can’t believe the Juice has been able to live his lavish lifestyle for so long, but better late than never.

“A California judge on Tuesday ordered the ex-football hero to fork over a Rolex watch, among other items, to help satisfy the $33.5 million judgment for the wrongful deaths of ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman. David Cook, a lawyer for Goldman’s father, Fred, said after Tuesday’s hearing that the Submariner Rolex could be worth anywhere from $5,000 to $20,000. ‘In this case, if it’s Mr. Simpson’s, then it would be ours,’ Cook told reporters outside the Santa Monica courthouse. Simpson’s Los Angeles-based attorney, Ronald Slates, expressed doubts about the Rolex’s authenticity and said he had already collected the timepiece from his client and planned to turn it over to Goldman’s camp by Tuesday afternoon. ‘Know any Rolex watches that sell for 125 bucks?’ he asked, noting that’s the amount Simpson told him he paid for it. But the lawyer conceded that if it is a knockoff, ‘it’s a pretty good copy.’”

[From E! News]

The very best part? If any of that “sports memorabilia” that Simpson was arrested for trying to steal back is found to actually belong to him, he has to surrender it – so he loses either way. Party up in here!

“Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Gerald Rosenberg also ordered the Naked Gun star to surrender any of the memorabilia from last month’s purported Las Vegas heist that is found to belong to Simpson. He is currently facing 11 criminal counts, ranging from armed robbery to kidnapping, for taking the items. Simpson, 60, has proclaimed his innocence, stating that all the mementos belonged to him and he was just conducting a ‘sting operation’ to get them back.

“As for the cache of memorabilia, Slates said he had no way of handing over any of it because Las Vegas police have confiscated it for evidence. Cook countered that Rosenberg’s ruling states that should Simpson be found to own any of the disputed collectibles, which reportedly includes footballs, jerseys and photos, then they must be given to the Goldmans. ‘As we said earlier, Mr. Simpson is going to walk out of Las Vegas bust. You’ve always heard that expression,’ Cook added. ‘He’s not walking away with that sports memorabilia. That’s what the judge ordered, and he’s going to literally walk away empty-handed for all his trouble.’”

[From E! News]

I wish you all could see my happy dance. It’s very undignified, completely unhinged, and totally worth it. I love to see this wife-battering murderer getting what he deserves. I doubt much of anything will wipe the smug grin off his face, but maybe living in a box down by the river might be a good start.

Britney lost custody of her boys, Sean Preston, two, and Jayden James, one, after an emergency hearing yesterday. The details were not made public, with the judge ordering her that K-Fed “is to retain physical custody of the minor children on Wednesday, October 3, 2007 at 12:00 PM until further order of the court.”

There’s a lot of news about this case today and I’ll try to cover most of it here.

How did Britney lose custody?
Remember the extensive list of things Britney had to do to retain custody of her boys? She had to visit a parenting coach, go to counseling, undergo twice-weekly drug testing, take a parenting course, and attend weekly co-parenting sessions with K-Fed.

TMZ reports that not only did Britney fail to do a single one of those requirements, she didn’t even sign the judge’s order!

There’s some speculation that Britney failed a drug test, and there were pictures that came out of her looking teary after supposedly going to a test. I saw those photos attributed as Britney crying outside her lawyer’s office too, so it’s not clear whether she actually submitted to a drug testing session, and TMZ is reporting that she didn’t.

Along with going out partying right after hearing that she would have to give up drinking and doing drugs in order to keep her boys, it surely counted against her that she was cited for a hit and run in a parking lot fender bender, and for driving without a license.

And with her bodyguard telling everyone who would listen that she nearly ODed and that her behavior was so bizarre that he was afraid for the safety of her children, she’s doesn’t seem to be a competent mother.

What did Britney do after she lost her boys?
She went tanning, to the DMV and then went out.

WENN has photos of Britney looking oddly upbeat after she was told she would lose custody. She was photographed outside her place with a big smile on her face. Maybe she was putting one on for the cameras or maybe she expected to lose custody and was relieved that it was over.

Britney went out last night as expected. While she didn’t hit Hyde, she did go to the Penninsula Hotel, and was seen leaving in an SUV with a driver.

US Weekly reports that Britney was unemotional after handing over her children. The official custody changes on Wednesday at noon, but it seems as if the boys are already with K-Fed, as they were not seen out with her after the court hearing and other news outlets have reported that they are with K-Fed at this time.

Should Britney be driving?
While Britney doesn’t have a California driver’s license, she does have one that’s valid in her home state of Louisiana until 2009.

She was supposed to apply for a license within 10 days of residing in California, though. X17 notes that she could get around requirements that she obtain a license in California because it’s possible she never established residency under California requirements, which state that you are a resident if you are registered to vote, working in the state, paying tuition as a student in state, or have filed a homeowner’s tax exemption. She self-employed so if she never registered to vote it’s possible she could be found not guilty of driving without a license.

She did visit the DMV yesterday after the custody hearing to apply for a license in California.

Fears for Britney’s mental health and possible suicide risk
Everyone is speculating that Britney might try to commit suicide after losing her children. Even though it seems like she wanted to lose custody – she didn’t even sign the judge’s order – she may be conflicted and upset about it.

EOnline quotes Dr. Drew Pinksy, host of radio show Loveline, as saying “you have somebody who will become suicidal, I’m totally convinced.”

Her bodyguard said she talked of suicide, so it’s possible this will send her over the edge. She seems to have been teetering there for quite a while.

She desperately needs help, but it doesn’t matter if the whole world is watching and telling her to get to therapy and rehab. Britney will continue to do what she wants, and now she won’t have to worry about anything or anyone holding her back.

She wants her childhood back, and for her that means indulging every whim and making sure we watch while she f8$#s up.

Picture note: Britney is shown on Sunday at Taverna Tony’s with her children. Sorry the children’s faces are blurred, Splash does that now.

Michelle Rodriguez seems hell-bent on her whole “I’m the victim” “the system is the problem” line of thought when it comes to her DUI conviction. Michelle has a pretty involved rap sheet that began long before her most recent DUI arrest in Hawaii while she was filming “Lost.” In 2002, she was arrested for assault after getting into a physical fight with her then-roommate. The roommate refused to press charges. In 2003, she was charged with eight misdemeanors including hit and run and a DUI. She pleaded no contest to the hit and run, DUI, and driving with a suspended license. Want to know how much time she spent in jail? A grueling 48 hours. She also had to do community service in two New York City morgues, and finished a three-month alcohol program. As a result, Rodriguez was placed on probation for three years. So all she had to do at that point was just not drink and drive and run people over. Sounds fairly easy, right? Well apparently not so much.

Between August 24th and October 1st 2005, Rodriguez was pulled over three times in Hawaii for speeding, and given tickets for doing 83 mph in a 55 zone, 90 mph in a 35 zone, and 80 mph in a 50 zone. But did that hamper her style? Nope. Because she then decided to outdo herself and drive home (speeding, naturally) after drinking. She was charged with a DUI and eventually pleaded guilty. And you know what really says a lot about her character? Rodriguez chose to pay a $500 fine and go to jail for five days instead of having to do 240 hours of community service. Because isn’t jail always better than doing something good for others?

That arrest was a violation of her previous probation, so Rodriguez was back to jail for the probation violation as well. Though she was sentenced to 60 days in jail, she only spent a matter of hours in what I can only assume was the lady’s shower, before she was released due to overcrowding. Rodriguez also had to serve 30 days of community service and work with Mothers Against Drunk Driving, along with wearing an alcohol-detecting ankle monitor, which she repeatedly bitched about publicly, comparing the experience to George Orwell’s novel “1984.”

But Michelle’s hatred of helping others has hampered her again: it appears she hasn’t actually done all of her community service, and hasn’t done her required alcohol education program.

“Rodriguez went to court Friday to answer to the latest claims by the city attorney’s office, which said the former ‘Lost’ actress submitted a document stating she performed community service on Sept. 25, 2006, but later admitted she was actually in New York City that day. If she is found to have violated terms of her probation, Rodriguez could face between 477 to 537 days in county jail and a $2,000 fine. Rodriguez, 29, kept quiet in court as her attorney, Richard Beale, argued that she performed 30 days of community service and said ‘a clerical error’ caused the discrepancy in the paperwork.

“Superior Court Judge Daviann L. Mitchell granted Beale’s request to call two county sheriff’s supervisors who signed off on her community service forms to testify. A hearing was set for Oct. 12. In August, the judge found that Rodriguez had not completed a required alcohol monitoring program and ordered her to perform 30 days of road maintenance work. On Friday, the judge noted she had not completed the program or the maintenance work.

“Beale said she is making progress, but the judge admonished Rodriguez to take her probation more seriously. ‘I’m not impressed with your completion schedule,’ she said. ‘There were 55 people here in court today and all but very few have completed their responsibilities. They work on much less flexible schedules than you do.’”

[From Yahoo! News]

I hope Michelle Rodriguez goes back to jail. I bet she hopes so too. (In case you’re missing all the snide references – or just don’t follow Michelle Rodriguez with the macabre fascination that I do – she’s a sorta-closeted lesbian. Hence all the women’s prison and women’s shower jokes. Because I’m sophisticated like that). She’s talked a lot about how ridiculous and unfair the system is, and has written on her blog ad nausea about it. Honey, if you don’t like it, stop drinking. Stop hitting other cars and leaving the scene. Stop speeding when you knock too many back and decide it’s a great idea for you to drive home… really, really fast. Then you won’t feel like a victim of the system so much… and everyone else won’t feel like they’re about to be your hit and run victim. See how everyone wins!

Picture Note by Jaybird: Here’s Michelle at the Miami Vice World Premiere in July, 2006. Header image of Michelle at the Los Angeles Municipal Court in Downtown Los Angeles on Friday. Images thanks to Splash Photos.

Have we talked about how I think Mike Tyson is a big ball of sexy? Mike Tyson is a big ball of sexy. Who can resist a face tattoo? Nothing makes panties drop faster. In fact, as a general rule of thumb, you should always be sure not to wear a skirt around Mike Tyson, or you’ll find your panties on the sidewalk and you’re halfway down the block. Same things applies to kilts, gentlemen. That’s probably what happened to Britney’s and Paris’ underwear. They came across Mike Tyson and suddenly found themselves flashing their lady bits.

Being the winner that he is, Tyson hasn’t been able to settle for just being a convicted rapist, domestic abuser, and ear biter. He’s one of those all or nothing types, and decided to tack a little DUI and drug possession onto his record for good measure. Got to stay in the tabloids and all.

“Former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson pleaded guilty Monday to charges of drug possession and driving under the influence stemming from a traffic stop last year as he was leaving a nightclub. Tyson quietly acknowledged to a judge that he had cocaine and was impaired when he was stopped for driving erratically in Scottsdale on Dec. 29. He pleaded guilty to a single felony count of cocaine possession and a misdemeanour DUI count and faces up to four years and three months in prison when he is sentenced Nov. 19. A felony charge of possession of drug paraphernalia and a second misdemeanor DUI charge were dropped, according to the terms of a plea agreement. Defense lawyer David Chesnoff said Tyson has been clean and sober for eight months.

“‘It’s obvious this was a crime he was committing against himself,’ Chesnoff said.

“Police stopped Tyson after the boxer had spent the evening at Scottsdale’s Pussycat Lounge. An officer said he saw Tyson wiping a white substance off the dashboard of his black BMW, and that his speech was slurred. Authorities said they found bags of cocaine in Tyson’s pocket and in his car.

“Tyson told officers later that he used cocaine ‘whenever I can get my hands on it,’ and that he preferred to smoke it in Marlboro cigarettes with the tobacco pulled out, according to court documents. He also told police that he used marijuana that day and was taking the antidepressant Zoloft, the documents state.”

[From the Chronicle Journal]

I know I’ve been critical of Tyson in the past, but who among us can really say they don’t enjoy the occasional snort of cocaine when it’s offered? Isn’t it rude to refuse? And then you have to get home, so why would you ask someone for a ride, or pay someone since you’re stinking rich, when you can just drive yourself when you’re hopped up on cocaine. Or whatever you get on cocaine. Cracked out? Up? I feel as though celebrity morons are getting their comeuppance of late, and it makes me very happy. But only because I get to say comeuppance.

So just what was going on with Britney Spears that had her bodyguard Tony Barretto so worried? Barretto has given several good quotes that explain his worries, and most of them seem fairly credible, given Spears bizarre, erratic, and seemingly unsafe behavior. Barretto doesn’t seem to have anything to gain from coming forward with his allegations – he went to a lawyer and a court of law first. It’s hard to say if the tabloids have paid him or not, but he didn’t just go blabbing to them without backing up his accusations, so I think it’s fair to give some weight to what he says. It’s a really long article, so I’ll just give you some of the highlights. Keep in mind this is from “News of the World,” and they can get a little over-dramatic with the CAPS.

On why he came forward:

“OVERDOSED in a drug-strewn hotel room on a binge with junkie lover Howie Day just days after checking out of rehab. ‘She was in a terrible state, just sweating and shaking. Her pupils were huge—we thought she was dying,’ said Tony. Man mountain 6ft 7in Barretto, 27—nicknamed Fat Tony—told us: ‘I gave evidence to the court because Britney is out of control and needs help. I have done this for her children. She’s not a good mother. She has mental problems. With her drug and booze issues, her home is no place for kids to be raised.’”

[From News of the World]

On Spears’ brief relationship with Howie Day:

“She went on a date with musician Day, 26—who she’d met in rehab—telling her worried protection team she didn’t need them. Tony said: ‘We did security checks on Howie and told her he was trouble. But she ignored us.’ Hours later hysterical Britney, 25, called aides, claiming Day was refusing to let her leave their hotel room. Tony recalled: ‘She said she wanted to cancel the tour. She was very confused. We asked her if she was OK and reminded her she had a show to do. Then Howie came on the phone and started arguing with us. We knew we had to get to her fast.’

“Tony raced to LA’s plush Mondrian Hotel with another bodyguard and Britney’s best friend and PA Alli Sims. When they got to their room they found the door open and an appalling scene inside. Tony said: ‘We could see Britney all red-eyed from crying. Howie was lying in his boxers asleep on the bed. The hotel room was trashed. There were half-eaten plates of food everywhere. There were blankets all over the floor, clothes strewn everywhere. The trash was emptied everywhere over the floor. The entire place was littered with empty beer bottles and liquor bottles, small glasses of ice and cigarette butts everywhere. On the surface of the dresser, I could see mounds of white powder and a straw on top. I suspected it was cocaine or powdered methamphetamines. By the side I spotted a glass pipe, which I knew from my drugs training was often used with crystal meth.’

“The drug has similar effects to amphetamine and ecstasy. Overdosing can cause heart failure. Tony went on: ‘I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Britney was completely out of it. We thought she’d overdosed. She was distraught, crying. Her skin was all waxy. She looked so ill. We tried to speak to her. My fellow bodyguard and Alli were so worried they wanted to get hold of a medic to detoxify her. We were panicking. We thought she was going to die. There was talk about where to put the detox line it was that serious—through her arm, which would make fans think she’d been injecting, or through her neck.’”

[From News of the World]

On ignoring her kids:

“‘I was worried about the children due to her erratic behaviour. She wouldn’t talk to them at all and she would be in her own world. I remember being in the hallway, and she was at the other end looking completely out of it. She would be nervously chewing her fingernails and babbling away. We’d have to look after the kids while she went through her strange behaviour. I know enough about drugs to know she was not being the normal Britney.’ Tony said: ‘I hope this will be wake-up call to her. I like Britney. All I want is for her to be a success and a good mum.’”

[From News of the World]

On Sean Preston and Jayden James becoming scared of Britney:

“He also told how she kept Jayden James and Sean Preston up late so they would sleep through the mornings and not wake her. If they woke early, a member of staff dealt with them. Tony said: ‘Britney does love her kids but she is a fickle mum. When the kids are happy, she’s happy. When they’re crying or unwell, she’s not sure what to do. She speaks to them in weird, creepy, baby voices, in made-up languages, which they just don’t get. All it does is unsettle, upset and scare them. Often she would scream and cry uncontrollably. Imagine what that is like for young children.’

Tony said he never saw her feed the boys. He added: ‘When they are unwell, her answer is: “Give the baby a bottle of medicine.” I’ve never seen her deal with them like a full, attentive mum.’ Tony knew he had to take action when Britney nearly wrote off her car with the kids inside. He said: ‘We followed her but she was driving like a lunatic on the wrong side of the road. It was terrifying.’

[From News of the World]

So not that we were sitting around wondering why Britney shouldn’t have custody of her kids, but I think this gives us all a much better idea as to the specific behaviors. Considering how bizarrely she’s acted in public, all of Barretto’s accusations do a good job of explaining Britney’s actions. Nothing here is really a surprise, in and of itself, it’s just shocking to hear that a parent could behave this way around her kids, and in life in general. I’m not a mom so I don’t completely understand the emotions of this, but I can’t understand why a person who appears to not want to deal with being a parent would fight so hard to be one.