I can think of few people I’m more afraid of than Foxy Brown. Checking Wikipedia, Brown has eight arrests since January 1997. Most of them seem to be issues stemming from her anger issues. There’s also a lot of issues with her spitting on people (which is technically assault). Brown was arrested and charged with assault and possessing a weapon after she hurled her Blackberry at her neighbor. The weapon in question was the Blackberry itself, which legally counts as a weapon if you use it as such.

“The latest arrest could lead to her probation being revoked. ‘We have filed a violation of probation with the court,’ said Jack Ryan, a spokesman for the city Department of Probation.

“Brown was arrested Tuesday for allegedly assaulting Arlene Raymond, 25, who lives near the rapper in the Prospect Heights section of Brooklyn, on July 30. Police said the two women got into a fight over Brown blasting her car stereo. Raymond alleged that a few days later, they passed each other on the street and Brown hurled her BlackBerry at her, cutting her lip and knocking a tooth loose.

“Brown, whose real name is Inga Marchand, was released on $50,000 bail after her arraignment Tuesday on charges of felony assault, misdemeanor assault and criminal possession of a weapon. Her manager, Chaz Williams, said the charges were false. Brown’s lawyer, state Sen. John Sampson, didn’t immediately respond to requests Thursday for comment.”

[From the Associated Press]

Brown was on probation due to an incident in 2004 when she attacked two manicurists at a New York City salon over her $20 bill which she refused to pay. She was sentenced to three years probation and forced to attend anger management counseling. Restraining orders were also granted to the manicurists. This latest infraction means she could go to jail – not for the Blackberry incident itself (though it’s possible) but because committing another assault is a violation of her probation from the 2004 incident. I think it also proves that the anger management counseling has done absolutely nothing for the pint-sized singer with a huge sense of entitlement. I’d really like to know what it is she’s so angry about. All of her criminal troubles stem from either run-ins with service people, police, or her car. Her first arrest, at the age of 17, came after she spat on two hotel employees when they told her they didn’t have an iron. Her next was for getting into a car crash while driving with a suspended license. There were several altercations with police officers (both in and out of the country), and several altercations with judges, one of which led to her being handcuffed to a bench for 15 minutes. Then there were all the poor salon owners. Never, and I repeat never, do Foxy Brown’s nails or sell her glue for her weave. Either way, you’re likely to end up with something thrown at your eye. And of course, being spit on. This is Foxy Brown, after all, and she’s known for being classy like that.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Foxy Brown at the Louis Vuitton Anniversary Party. Header image of Brown performing at the launch of WHN financial website (why??) on July 20th, 206. Images thanks to PR Photos.

The wrath of K-Fed continues: Britney’s former assistant, Shannon Funk, has been served by Federline’s Israeli commando. I’m pretty sure K-Fed keeps commandos on retainer now. I’m also pretty sure the wrath of K-Fed is more the publicity seeking of his lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan. Funk was served as she got off a Jet Blue flight from New York City this late last night. I’m going to assume that she was actually served as she exited the airport – though the way most of the other articles are writing it, you’d think commandos were lined up on the tarmac or something.

“The legally embattled singer’s most recently excused assistant, Shannon Funk, was the latest member of the entourage to be served with a subpoena by Kevin Federline’s legal team, requiring her to testify about Spears’ parenting skills in the couple’s ongoing custody case.

“The 21-year-old Funk, who served as Spears assistant for just under a month, before getting the ax in the wake of a disastrous cover shoot with OK! magazine, was served with the legal papers Tuesday by Federline’s lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, just after touching down at Southern California’s Long Beach Airport.

“Funk had just returned from a short stay in New York City, where she was snapped by paparazzi enjoying a girls’ night out with, ironically enough, senior members of the OK! magazine staff.”

[From E! News]

Funk signed a confidentiality agreement when she was hired by Britney, but several websites are saying she’s the “anonymous source” that’s been giving out so much information about Spears lately. Then there’s that issue with her being photographed having a girls night out in New York… with senior staffers from OK Magazine. There’s a lot of speculating that they paid for her trip to NYC.

I’m not sure that Shannon Funk wil be a very reliable witness. She only spent a month with Britney before she was fired, and by most accounts that’s not because Britney fires too easily; Funk was a disaster from start to finish. She’s widely blamed for the OK Magazine debacle (you know, the one with the dog pooping on the expensive dress – she was the one who used the dress to wipe up the dog’s poop). That might have just been spin to take the heat off Britney, since she had similar “meltdowns” several times in the following weeks. Who knows, I’m just saying Shannon Funk’s deposition might present a problem, in that she seems like she’d be an unreliable witness.

Apparently there’s another round of subpoenas being issued by Mark Vincent Kaplan. That guy really wants to make sure he goes after everyone who’s ever seen, talked to, or smelled Britney Spears. Next up, K-Fed will be serving Britney’s goldfish. I heard all she ever feeds it is junk food – those prepackaged multicolored flakes. And his water? Not purified, despite what Britney’s team will tell you.

Picture note by JayBird: Header image is Shannon with Britney before she was fired. Image thanks to WENN.

Photoshop composite from Planet Hiltron

Getting coked up, commandeering an SUV, engaging in a high speed chase, and having police draw their guns on you are just part of an average evening out for Lindsay Lohan, but it turns out the people being chased weren’t such big fans of the whole experience. The passenger is the car Lohan hunted down last month has filed a lawsuit against the sorta actress. Praise Jebus! I wonder if you can get served at a rehab facility?

“Lindsay Lohan was sued Tuesday for assault and negligence by a woman who was a passenger in a car the actress is accused of chasing while under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Lohan ‘put me through one of the most frightening experiences of my life,’ Tracie Rice said in a statement after the lawsuit was filed in Los Angeles County Superior Court.

“’What Miss Lohan did that night was extremely dangerous and reprehensible. Someone could easily have been killed or seriously hurt because of her irresponsible decisions that evening,’ Rice said. The lawsuit also alleges intentional infliction of emotional distress. It seeks unspecified damages and also payment of medical and other expenses related to emotional distress.”

[From the Associated Press]

Not that a coked-out, crazed Lindsay Lohan isn’t infliction of emotional distress in and of herself, but thanks to Lohan’s unbalanced and dangerous behavior, they all ended up with guns pointed at them. That’s certainly traumatizing.

“The lawsuit doesn’t provide a reason for the chase. However, two men who claim they were unwilling passengers in the car driven by Lohan have said she was upset with the daughter of Michelle Peck. Peck was driving the vehicle carrying Rice. Rice ‘was convinced that their lives were in danger and that they had to outrun the pursuing car or they might be killed,’ the lawsuit said.

“Peck finally drove through a barricade and into the parking lot at the Santa Monica Civic Center next to police headquarters and the sport utility vehicle followed, the lawsuit said. Rice got out and ran toward police officers and saw a woman, who turned out to be Lohan, run from the SUV toward her, she contended. ‘Police officers approached all of them with guns drawn,’ the lawsuit said. Lohan was arrested a short time later.”

[From the Washington Post]

That must have been incredibly frightening, and I’m very sorry Ms. Rice had to go through that. But I have to admit the thought of a bunch of cops pointing their guns at Lindsay is the least she deserved that night. I hope it scared her like she scared all those passengers and motorists. I wonder how many of the other people involved that night will sue her? It seems like they’ve all got a pretty good case against her. Rageaholic actress steals car with two passengers already in it, refuses to let them out, chases the mother of her former assistant through L.A. at high speeds, and ends up getting arrested and testing positive for alcohol and drugs. I’m no lawyer, but considering Lohan’s well documented destruction, I’m guessing they’d all have cases. I really hope she gets served in rehab. She needs to actually understand that there are real consequences for her actions. Plus, the image of Lohan scrubbing toilets while being given legal papers will help me sleep a little better tonight.

Here are some reasons not to like Stephen “Belafonte,” Melanie Brown’s new hidden husband. 1. He killed a duck. Not while hunting, or eating in a restaurant. The guy just went out a killed a duck with a brick. Now there’s probably more to this story – or maybe not. Sociopaths kill for no reason and without conscious, and target animals. I’m not saying Stephen “I changed my name to make you think I’m the famous singer’s son” Belafonte is a sociopath, I’m just saying they share some traits. That’s also Celebitchy’s new nickname for him, and I think it’s a winner.

“Melanie Brown’s new husband Stephen Belafonte owes a New Jersey court a $600 fine after he was allegedly found guilty of killing a duck.

“The film producer, 32, was found guilty of an animal control charge after he admitted of throwing a brick at a mallard outside his home in Point Pleasant, according to British newspaper The Sun.

“An Ocean County court spokeswoman said: ‘A warrant has been issued over unpaid fines and costs relating to an animal control offence. He will be arrested if he returns to the area.’

“Belafonte, who wed the Spice Girl in secret in June (07), admitted attacking his ex-partner Nicole Contreras and was given a suspended jail sentence.”

[From Ireland Online]

None of this is cool. Bludgeoning a duck? Not okay. Beating up the mother of your child? Not okay. There is absolutely no excuse for domestic violence. An argument with another human being is something I vaguely understand – the person can talk, move, etc. An argument with a duck doesn’t compute. This guy isn’t such a winner.

Scary Spice’s mother, Andrea Brown, wasn’t told about the wedding, just like the rest of the world. One would think a mother could be privy to such private information, but apparently that’s not the case.

“Andrea Brown – who was kept in the dark over the wedding – described it as a ‘big mistake’, claiming that her daughter was on the rebound from her split with Eddie Murphy. But a friend of Mel’s said she went into the relationship ‘with her eyes open’ and is well aware that her new hubby is ‘no angel.’”

[From Digital Spy]

No angel is one thing. Psychopathic duck murderer is quite another. I may poke fun at Stephen “Belafonte” because I think he’s a poseur, but this story truly makes me so sad. I love animals more than I love some people. It seems like when a couple gets this much bad press so early on, they generally don’t make it. So let’s see, “Belafonte” has a rap sheet, he beat up the mother of his child, he’s been sued for unpaid child support ($254 a month), and he’s a brick-toting duck killer. Now I imagine him wandering around ponds, waiting for the some poor feathered victim to take his rage out on. You suck, Stephen Standsbury. Oops. I mean “Belafonte.”

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s a Central Park mallard. Header image is Mel B and Stephen “Belafonte” leaving the Baglioni Hotel on June 29th. Images thanks to Splash Photos.

Britney Spears’ re-hired cousin/assistant Alli Sims got served with a subpoena at a house party in L.A. late Saturday night. Britney’s music producer/sorta ex-boyfriend JR Rotem was also served at the party – by an ex-Israeli commando. How did that happen, you ask? Well it turns out that K-Fed’s celebrity lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, likes the drama a little more than he lets on. He hired Aaron Cohen of IMS Security – a business made up entirely of ex-Israeli commandos – to serve Sims and Rotem. I’m scared just writing that sentence. That dude must be pissed and making a major power play, to go all-out like that. Most people don’t like being served, and some will go all-out to avoid it. According to US Weekly, Sims and Rotem tried to leave the party in a car, and the Israeli commando followed them, finally shoving the subpoenas through an open car window after arguing with her. It’s a good thing for Cohen that you don’t have to get a signature.

“A visibly upset Sims attempted to avoid being served, and she and Rotem began to argue with Cohen. But, as an eyewitness reports, Cohen was not deterred by Sims’ denials and was forced to throw the subpoena through an open car window as Sims and Rotem fled in a friend’s car. Spears was spotted leaving the same party moments later and eventually joined Sims and Rotem at her Beverly Hills home.”

[From US Weekly]

Britney was also at the party and was said to be royally pissed. I’m pretty sure that was K-Fed’s lawyer’s intent, so it worked out well for him. E! News gives a little more information on the events Saturday night.

“Alli Sims, Spears’ honorary cousin, off-on personal assistant and wannabe pop star, was subpoenaed at a Hollywood house party early Sunday in connection with Spears’ ongoing custody battle with Kevin Federline, a source confirmed to E! News.

“Sims, who recently returned to the post of Spears’ right-hand woman after being briefly displaced earlier this year, was served with the legal papers just after 2:30 a.m. Sunday while leaving a party in the Hollywood Hills. While Spears was also in attendance at the party, the star did not witness the serving.

“The deposition subpoena, issued at the behest of Federline’s attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, requires Sims to testify about Spears’ parenting skills in the ex-couple’s custody case and was served guerrilla-style by IMS-Security’s Aaron Cohen.”

[From E! News]

K-Fed filed for sole custody of his sons last Wednesday in Los Angeles Superior Court, and the next hearing is scheduled for tomorrow. Boy, those baby bottles filed with beer and Cheetos sandwiches aren’t going to look so good in court. “But your Honor, it’s light beer!”

“Kaplan is expected to question Sims on everything from what and how frequently Spears feeds sons Sean Preston, 22 months, and Jayden James, 10 months, how late they are allowed to stay up, how much time Spears spends caring for the boys and Spears’ party habits.

“But the 26-year-old Sims may not be the most impartial witness. While there is some question to whether they are blood relations, the two grew up together in Louisiana and have been inseparable for much of Spears’ tenure in Hollywood.

“Even after Sims left Spears’ employ earlier this year, she had nothing but glowing things to say about Spears. Sims told People earlier this month that Spears is ‘a wonderful mom and she is so hands-on…Britney loves those babies to death. And they adore her.’”

[From E! News]

I think it’s the “death” part that Federline is worried about. Back in the good old days, we used to make fun of K-Fed for being a money-hungry, pot-smoking layabout. It’s hard to say whether or not that’s still true, but he’s definitely the lesser of two evils. Britney has just gone crazy, and seems to be a haphazard mother at best. Remember a few weeks ago when she was screaming at that photographer to lose some weight, calling him a fat f*%$ while her kids were in the back of her car, sobbing? Probably not the best prioritizing. Mark Vincent Kaplan told US “’Kevin would like to have as much custody as he could because he feels that the children would benefit from that.’” It seems really hard to argue with that lately. I really wanted to hate Kevin Federline. I think the majority of the world agrees with me. We all tried, we really did, and thanks to Britney Spears, we’ve failed.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Alli Sims with Britney and Sean P at the Millennium Dance Studios awhile back. I just thought I’d put up a more visually-pleasing picture of Britney for the header, since all the new ones are gross and I’m eating lunch. Header shows Britney in happier times, at the 14th Annual Glamour Women Of The Year in 2003. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Britney Spears, pillar of the community, was videotaped in a minor parking lot fender bender on Monday. Even though she was surrounded by photographers who captured the whole thing, do you think she had the sense to leave a note with her information, as required by law? Nope. How in the world could she think she’d get away with that? If I were someone with some money and half a brain, I’d go out of my way not to expose myself to lawsuits. But I guess that’s the point: she doesn’t even have half a brain. Britney was on her way to the drugstore when she hit the silver Mercedes. She’s videotaped getting out of her car and dramatically inspecting it, then waltzing away to shop. She does not even glance in the direction of the car she hit.

“But the tale of the tape made it clear to the owner of the parked car just who it was who scraped up her silver Mercedes-Benz.Kim Robard-Rifkin, 59, told the entertainment Web site CelebTV.com on Wednesday that nobody from Spears’ camp had contacted her about the damaged car.

“’It’s sad because I was really hoping she’d step up and be a mensch [Yiddish that roughly translates to "a good person."], be a human being,’ Robard-Rifkin said. ‘It was simply like my car didn’t matter to her, my inconvenience didn’t matter to her.’

“A video on CelebTV.com, taken Monday, shows the 25-year-old pop star (with a puppy on her lap) attempting to park her black convertible and hitting the adjacent car. Robard-Rifkin, a registered nurse, said she was ‘sort of amused and sort of shocked’ when she learned it was Spears who hit her car, and figured she would hear from the embattled entertainer.

“’There were obviously a lot of paparazzi there and what kind of person wouldn’t realize that this (would) be on TV and she had to be responsible and contact me,’ she said. ‘I’m not asking for money. I’m not asking for a new car. … I simply want my car fixed, the same as I would fix somebody’s car if I had done that.’

“Robard-Rifkin filed a police report on Thursday.”

[From the Washington Post]

I have no idea why, but for some reason I’ve been pulling for Britney Spears. But she’s just so self-centered, which is different from being ignorant. If she were so dumb as to not check out either car and go shopping, I guess that’d be one thing. But she makes this big show out of inspecting every inch of her car, looking so concerned. There’s just no way she could think she’d get away with it. She was probably thinking it’d get her more publicity. I know she’s recently hired a new manager, when is she going to hire some PR people? The woman needs a whole team of advisers to follow her around all the time and tell her what to do. “No, don’t eat those old paint chips by the side of the road Britney.” “Don’t leave the dog alone with your lion.” Things like that.

Here’s the video of Britney hitting the Mercedes, and her extreme concern about her own car. Thanks to FlynetOnline:

Picture via DListed.

On Sunday Lily Allen was detained at the Los Angeles airport by U.S. Immigration, after which her work visa was revoked. Apparently Allen’s arrests for kicking photographers has caught up with her a bit. The Mirror originally reported that she was locked in a cell and strip searched, however her spokesman has denied that report.

“’Lily was questioned and her work visa was revoked. She was detained for five hours but not strip searched. Understandably she was upset by it.’”

[From Times Online]

Allen has an upcoming US tour in September, so getting her work visa revoked causes a major problem. On Monday, she told the Mirror “I am trying everything I can to sort this out. I don’t like letting my fans down.” She had flown to LAX from Australia to attend the MTV video music awards. Apparently her interrogation centered around her March arrest in London when she kicked a photographer outside a nightclub. After five hours and negotiations with her lawyer, she was released by immigration. The worry now is that once she leaves the US, she won’t be allowed back in. Lily told the Mirror, “’It is my intention to play my American dates in September. This depends on the authorities granting me a new work visa. I want my fans to know that I will do everything I can to be back in America in September. I don’t like letting my fans down and this is a situation that I am sure we can sort.”

Lily Allen is so awesome. I don’t blame her for going off on the photographers a bit. Yes it’s part of being a celebrity, but she seems pretty normal and like she hasn’t really changed her mindset from regular person to famous person yet. Drama follows her a bit, like Amy Warehouse, but she always manages to show up for her gigs and do well. I think the reason I really like her is that she has pictures of herself dressed like a panda bear on her myspace page. And frankly, that’s about all it takes for me to like someone.

Picture note by JayBird: Here is Lily Allen performing at Somerset House in London three weeks ago. Header image is Lily at the Make Space Youth Review on 7/11. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Update by Celebitchy: This seems like a false story, as NME reports that her manager has said that it’s “rubbish” that she was denied a VISA and that “She’s in Las Vegas [shooting a video] right now.” She will be on tour in the US next month. [via ONTD]