Nick Hogan really doesn’t like jail. I mean really. It’s no fun at all – in fact it’s downright boring. Though it appears he hasn’t been made anyone’s bitch (yet), Nick still thinks the place sucks and wishes he’d gone to trial instead of copping a plea. The inmates are allowed to talk on the phone as long as they want at Pinellas County Jail – during their free time of course. Nick spends an average of two hours a day on the phone, generally complaining and whimpering to his mom.

The contents of some of Nick’s conversations have been released, and now we can hear a few of the specifics about just how tough jail really is.

The phone calls began just hours after Nick Bollea was hauled away from the courtroom.

Nick Bollea: “Had I known this, I would have rather gone to trial or I would rather, you know, appeal the case or something. I can’t deal with this for eight months. It’s (Bollea’s cell) like the size of my bathroom.”
Linda Bollea: “Oh!”
Nick: “No windows or nothing. Just one little top bed thing.”
Linda: “Oh my God!”

[From ABC Action News]

I know! My God indeed! Now I’m guessing Nick Hogan’s bathroom is bigger than most of our bedrooms. So I am not necessarily impressed by how small his cell is. And it’s not like he’s got a lot of stuff to keep in there. What does it matter how small it is? But I just love the shock and “Oh my God!” I’m guessing that was followed with, “What thread count are the sheets? 200 you say? My God!”

Bollea is being kept in a single cell at the Pinellas County Jail because he is one of only two minors serving time in the adult facility. On the phone, he cries often and is comforted by his mother Linda.

Nick: “All you do is sit there and think, and there’s nothing to think about.”
Linda: “We’ll get through it.”
Nick: “Yeah.”
Linda: “Prove to everyone you’ve learned your lesson and be more careful.”

Bollea asks for anything to pass the time, including books and magazines. He even talks about breaking the world record for sleeping and working out in his cell. On Wednesday his famous father Terry (a.k.a. Hulk Hogan) congratulated him on his time served so far.

[From ABC Action News]

Considering how Nick’s family has often reacted to the car crash (which left passenger John Graziano in a vegetative state, probably for life), it’s actually surprising to hear Linda Hogan acknowledge that Nick did do something wrong, and has a lesson to learn. Linda has encouraged Nick’s racing hobby for years, including drag racing – which was what he was doing when he crashed his car.

However she did support Graziano family for a while, renting a condo for his mother to stay in while she kept watch over her son . So it seems like she has some teeny, tiny bit of common sense lacking in father Hulk Hogan, who said the following:

~”I’m very proud of you brother. Very, very proud of you. You’ve been thrown in a tough spot and you’ve handled it better than I could have probably handled it. Any man I know. You’ve really been somebody to look up to.”

[From ABC Action News]

Yes, ruining a young man’s life, never taking responsibility or saying sorry directly to his family until you’re forced to in a court of law – you are someone to look up to, Nick Hogan. You’ve ruined many lives. Congrats. I hope the next seven months are filled with deep thoughts… though you’ve already admitted you don’t have many of those.

Nick Hogan is pictured at his sentencing hearing on May 13th. Images thanks to Splash.

It’s tearing up my heart… that Lou Pearlman, the sexy hunk of man meat who created ‘N Sync, the Backstreet Boys, and the New Kids on the Block has been sentenced to 25 torturous years in prison for stealing more than $300 million from a variety of investors, including his friends, family, business associates, and the elderly. He even bilked Justin Timberlake out of some well-deserved cash. And Chris Kirkpatrick. And we know he needs every dollar he can get.

Legendary music mogul Lou Pearlman, who created the boy bands Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync, was sentenced Wednesday to 25 years in prison for stealing more than $300 million from investors. But Federal Judge G. Kendall Sharp, in Orlando, Fla., said he would reduce the jail time by one month for every $1 million Pearlman returned to the investors.

Pearlman bilked thousands of people out of millions of dollars in an investment scam that went on for decades, authorities said. His victims included “his family, his close friends and people in their 70s and 80s who have lost their life savings,” according to Sharp.

Pearlman pleaded guilty in March to two counts of conspiracy, money laundering and using false statements in a bankruptcy proceeding. Pearlman, 53, had sought to delay the sentencing so he could launch his latest musical creation, the European pop band US5, in the United States and Asia.

During his music career, he also managed the bands LFO, Take 5 and O-Town. Both Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync previously filed suits against Pearlman because they believed they were not receiving a fair share of the bands’ profits. Those suits were settled out of court.

[From People]

Because what better reason to postpone sending a criminal to prison than launching a new boy band? Sure, sometimes people get a little grace period for some traumatic surgery or the death of a family member. But what could possibly be more important than launching the next LFO?

Ordinarily I would say that getting to buy yourself a month less of prison isn’t fair. I think a lot of celebrities would have gratefully ponied up $1 million to spend 30 days less in the slammer. That means that if Pearlman somehow returned all the money he stole, he wouldn’t serve a single day. But considering some of his previously reported predilections, something tells me Lou will make his time in prison work for him.

Who would have thought it? Turns out, Nick Hogan doesn’t like jail. Which is odd, because most people are really big fans. What with the friendly service and great food and all, you’d be batshit crazy not to enjoy your free vacation.

Nick Hogan is not doing well in jail, friends say. The son of pro wrestler Hulk Hogan started serving eight months in California’s [sic – it’s Florida] Pinellas County Jail on May 9 for a drunken-driving accident that left his best friend, John Graziano, in a coma.

“Nick’s doing really bad. He’s struggling to even form a sentence,” one friend said. “They have him in a cell by himself, isolated from the general population, because of threats. He didn’t understand how awful jail really is until now.” That will be small consolation to Graziano’s relatives, who say Hogan has done very little for their son since the crash.

[From the New York Post]

Nick is also in isolation because he is the only minor in the jail. Though if he serves just two and a half months of his eight month sentence, Nick will have the pleasure of becoming a full-fledged adult in jail. I wonder what kind of birthday cake they get you when you turn 18 in jail. I’m sure it’s nothing fancy – probably one of those grocery store bought cakes at best. But still, something to look forward to Nick. Wait, they don’t get you a cake? Madness. I’d hate jail too. Poor Nick.

I’m guessing Nick’s lawyer is going to ask that he be transferred to some type of mental health facility – or pull a Paris Hilton and try to get him released altogether because jail makes you kind of unstable. Man, if only Nick had known jail sucks so much. You’d think that might have been a deterrent or something.

I can think of few things as truly awkward as having to watch a sex tape with a room of people around me. And frankly, I really don’t want to think about the kind of thing that’s even more awkward than this. The R. Kelly sex trial is finally underway, after six legendarily long years of seemingly impossible delays. Yesterday the jury had to watch the 25 minute sex tape – in front of a packed courtroom – in which a man who is allegedly R. Kelly has sex with a woman who was allegedly 13-years-old at the time. I’m tempted to say they were forced to watch it, as I really can’t imagine anyone being okay with seeing something like this.

Prosecutors played the sex tape at the center of R. Kelly’s child pornography trial in open court Tuesday, just hours after opening statements in which they accused the R&B singer of choreographing and starring in the footage with an underage girl.

The jurors, who had been taking feverish notes during opening statements, sat motionless while the video played. Their eyes were fixed on a 4-by-4-foot monitor just outside the jurors’ box; in the courtroom, the lights were dimmed and blinds drawn across windows.

A grim-looking Kelly, 41, appeared to watch the entire footage intently on a small monitor on the defense table. He occasionally rocked in his chair and rested his chin in his hand. The 27-minute homemade video shows a man having sex with a young female, who is naked for most of the recording except for a necklace with a cross dangling from it.

At the start of the videotape, the man hands the female money and she mouths the words, “Thank you.” She is often blank-faced, impassive. The man speaks to the female in a hushed, monotone voice, and she calls him “Daddy.” Songs from the Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys blare from a radio. The female dances – the man out of view. Back in view, he has sex with her. The man walks up to the camera to adjust it a few times, but his face is often obscured.

Prosecutors say the man in the video is Kelly, and that the female is a girl who was as young as 13 when the tape was made between Jan. 1, 1998, and Nov. 1, 2000.

[From the Associated Press]

According to several published reports, courtroom observers were focused just as intently on watching the jurors watch the tape as they were on the tape itself. I cannot imagine having to see something like that, and knowing that everyone was analyzing my expression. One juror was released yesterday after explaining to the judge that she only had 30 hours of vacation time and could not afford to serve. I’d be begging my boss to cut my vacation time if I were in that position.

The defense’s argument is essentially to deny everything. They’re claiming that’s not really R. Kelly on the tape and that the girl on the tape is not the alleged victim. And just to cover their bases, they’re claiming that the alleged victim was not 13 at the time. So just in case people don’t buy that it’s not her, they’re arguing that she’s older than she is. Which is funny, because they’ve been making that argument for six years now, and somehow it’s still up for debate. No one is totally clear how old the alleged victim really is.

The defense pointed out to the jury that the man on the sex tape does not have a prominent mole on his back. Supposedly R. Kelly does, and it’s been there since childhood. So everything’s hinging on a lot of denial, confusion, and a mole. Something tells me this is case is going to keep dragging on for a long while.

Here’s R. Kelly at the New York Premiere of ‘Trapped in the Closet: Chapters 13-22′ at IFC theatre on August 8th . Images thanks to WENN.

If I had ever done a drug stronger than Aleve, I’d want to move to the UK. Because it turns out that in Brittan, apparently you can do most hard drugs in a pretty obvious manner and not get in trouble for it. You can have a video released, be caught by the police, arrested, questioned, etc – and still walk out of the jail within a day with no further repercussions. And you can do it many, many times. The best example of this (in terms of frequency) is Pete Doherty. But Amy Winehouse is doing her best to compete with him, in what appears to be a good-natured, drug addict rivalry.

Amy was videotaped smoking crack after popping six Valium. Did anything happen to her? Nope.

British police will take no legal action against Grammy-award-winning singer Amy Winehouse, who was arrested last week for drug offenses, her spokeswoman said Thursday. Amy Winehouse has a history of run-ins with police.

“They have now concluded their enquiries and no charges will be brought,” according to a statement from her publicist, Tracey Miller.

She was questioned by police last Wednesday, arrested for alleged possession of a controlled drug, and released on unconditional bail a day later.

[From CNN International]

Amy’s spokesman (apparently she needs both a spokesman and a publicist) also goes on to say how excited she is for her planned summer concerts.

Chris Goodman said police had finished their investigation and confirmed no charges would be brought against the 24-year-old singer.

“Amy is pleased to be able to move on and concentrate on music and particularly looks forward to seeing her fans again at eagerly awaited festival performances this summer,” he said in a statement.

[From the Huffington Post]

It’s not like I want to see a person go to jail for a crime that only hurts themselves. But every time Amy is shown that the rules don’t apply to her, there is even less incentive for her to clean up her life. The whole, “What if I get caught?” thing clearly doesn’t even enter her mind.

During Amy’s last round of concerts she developed the reputation of canceling at a prolific rate. I swear at one point it was nearly four out of five concerts. Considering she can’t even get work done in the studio anymore, it seems like her concert promoter is really overestimating her. As out of it as she was last time around, Amy’s sunk a lot further now. If people go to her shows, something tells me it’s just to watch a train wreck, not because anyone expects a good performance.

Here’s Amy spotted with a mystery man visiting a clinic near her home in North London yesterday. I’m guessing she’s eating an Otter Pop… but it might be drug in a tube or something. Images thanks to WENN.

DMX’s life is really going down the crapper. On Tuesday he was arrested in Arizona for speeding over 100 MPH and driving with a suspended license. In January, a judge ordered him to pay $1.5 million in a defamation suit brought against him by the mother of one of his children. DMX had said in an interview that he didn’t cheat on his wife, because the woman had raped him. He also said he didn’t remember sleeping with the woman, and he’d remember, because she was ugly. So she must have raped him. And last summer, sheriffs took away twelve of the rapper’s pit bulls due to neglect and abuse. So the easy way to sum up DMX’s life right now is that he is physically incapable of doing even one thing right.

But apparently that wasn’t enough for the guy. On Friday, police went to DMX’s home to finally arrest him on animal abuse charges. Did the guy surrender like a normal person? No, he holed up in his room, refusing to come out, and forcing the police to call in the SWAT team.

…the actor-rapper was arrested early Friday at his Phoenix-area home on suspicion of animal abuse and felony drug possession following a search of the house and, before that, a brief standoff with police when he attempted to shut himself up in his bedroom. According to the Maricopa County sheriff’s office, a SWAT team executed a search warrant on DMX’s Cave Creek, Ariz., residence at about 3 a.m. in connection with a seven-month-old investigation into reports that the Cradle 2 the Grave star had a number of malnourished pit bulls on his property.

“A guy like this DMX character with all his money and fame has no excuse for not providing proper care for his animals,” said Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. “He has a long criminal history and obviously has no respect for the law.”

DMX, whose real name is Earl Simmons, tried holing up in his room when the fuzz first arrived, but officers quickly talked him into cooperating, after which they discovered weapons, drugs and five pit bull puppies, which were taken to a nearby prison where female inmates will look after them (the pups, not the guns and drugs).

[From E! News]

DMX is due in court on the charges next week. He was also booked on four counts of drug possession. His lawyer gave some poorly worded speech about how the sheriff just had it in for DMX, because he was videotaped speeding and arrested. And apparently the lawyer thinks the sheriff somehow took that as a personal insult. Um… I’m guessing it definitely served to remind the guy to follow up on some legal issues with DMX, but I don’t think it’s exactly a personal affront.

“I think [that] Earl, when he was caught on video just this week speeding at 114 miles per hour, just rubbed it in [the sheriff's] face, so the sheriff felt he had to do something. From what I hear, I would’ve been glad to bring Earl in if they ever requested it. I called the sheriff on numerous occasions and never, ever received a phone call.”

[From E! News]

All right then. Next time, it might be a better idea to advise your client not to keep breaking laws, instead of complaining when he gets arrested on new and old charges. Maybe feed your dogs, take care of them, treat them with dignity… and drive less than 114 mph. All those things are likely to keep a sheriff – even one with a personal vendetta – off your back.

I am very happy to report that Nick Hogan was just handed down a surprisingly long jail sentence as a result of his guilty plea in his felony reckless driving case. Nick was sentenced to eight months in jail, 500 hours of community service, three years without his driver’s license, and must attend a DUI education class. He could have served up to five years in prison – though considering the leniency often shown celebrities and their offspring, I’m pretty damn surprised Hogan was sentenced to any jail time.

Nick Bollea was sentenced to eight months in Florida’s Pinellas County Jail for felony reckless driving Thursday after pleading no contest in court. A judge also handed down five years probation, 500 hours of community service and a three-year drivers license revocation. Nick will not be able to drink for the duration of his probation, and will attend DUI education classes within one year.

The 17-year-old donned a light colored suit to Pinellas County Court and stared straight ahead as the sentence was read. Sitting behind him was a black-clad Hulk, who prayed during the proceedings and grew teary-eyed, sister Brooke, who wore a top with the shoulders cut out and Hulk’s soon-to-be ex-wife, Linda.

Nick was arrested last November on reckless-driving charges stemming from an August 26 crash. An eyewitness told police that Bollea and a pal were drag racing upwards of 100 mph when Nick’s yellow Toyota Supra slammed into a palm tree. Two hours after the crash, alcohol was detected in his bloodstream.

[From Us Weekly]

John Graziano – the passenger in Nick’s car who was severely injured – will most likely spend the rest of his life in a nursing home. His family appeared in court and spoke on his behalf. The Hogan family has never issued much of an apology, nor has Nick publicly taken any responsibility for his actions. In fact the Hogans tried to blame Graziano for his injuries since he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt – not their drunk kid who drag raced and smashed into a tree. Graziano’s family confirmed that Nick has never privately expressed any remorse or taken any responsibility. It’s pretty disgusting.

“My life now consists of 10 hours each day at a hospital watching my son suffer,” John’s father said in a statement during today’s court proceedings. “Nick has shown no remorse for what he’s done for my son.

Added John’s sister: “We have never once heard him apologize for what he’s done or take any responsibility for any of his actions.”

[From Us Weekly]

No word on how much time Nick is actually expected to spend in jail. But I’m glad he’s going to at least do some time – and hopefully he’ll spend it actually reflecting on how not to be a loser douche bag from now on.

Hulk Hogan’s idiot son Nick may finally get his comeuppance. You’ll remember that then-17-year-old son Nick wrecked his car while drag racing, critically injuring his passenger, 22 year old John Graziano. Nick was eventually charged with felony reckless driving involving serious bodily injury. Graziano is expected to be a near-vegetable for the rest of his life, and will need constant care.

Following the crash, Hogan blogged about racing, his supposed corporate endorsement from Polaroid (which didn’t turn out to be true), and as an afterthought, mentioned “keep john graziano in your prayers” – after he requested that everyone wish himself luck in his races. The guy is a grade A douche bag.

Nick is expected to plead guilty tomorrow, and could receive up to five years in prison. His sentence is entirely determined by the judge.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ Nick Hogan will cop to a criminal charge in court tomorrow.

We’re told Hogan will not fight the charge of felony reckless driving involving serious bodily injury. He will plead either guilty or no contest. Sources say no deal has been struck with prosecutors. Hogan will enter an “open plea,” meaning the judge will have complete leeway in his sentencing and the victim and his family will have an opportunity to testify at a sentencing hearing on how the crime has affected their lives. The maximum penalty is five years in prison.

On August 26, 2007, Nick was driving a suped-up Toyota with passenger John Graziano when he crashed, severely injuring John.

We’re told Hulk and the rest of Nick’s family will be in Pinellas County court (Florida) tomorrow.

[From TMZ]

I know that there’s almost no chance in hell that a rich celebrity’s kid will do much time – but one can always hope. Nick is being tried as an adult. He has a long history of EXTREME speeding tickets, but that’s not technically a prior record, even in a speeding-related crime. I’ll bet he gets sentenced to a few months, max, and will probably only serve a couple of days in jail, best case scenario. Too bad, since his victim will be serving the rest of his life.

Here’s Nick and his family leaving a medical center in Beverly Hills on January 16th. Images thanks to WENN.

I used to optimistically hypothesize that Amy Winehouse’s life was getting better, if for no other reason than the fact that she had stopped roaming the streets of London at three in the morning in bloody ballet slippers. Well if possible her life is in even bigger shambles now than it was last summer.

Amy’s had multiple arrests in just a few short weeks, and seems to have given up even trying. You could easily ask yourself, “Wait, she was trying before?” Well, I mean trying for Amy Winehouse. I mean the woman actually spent a day sans beehive. That’s got to be indicative of some type of deep identity crisis or a form of psychosis for her.

After being formally arrested in London yesterday for her legendary performance on her crack video, Amy proceeded to wander around London at four in the morning. She took a jaunt over to a gas station to load up on some healthy snacks, chatted with photographers, and queried them as to what her next tattoo should be. You know, just like all normal celebrities.

If Amy Winehouse was at all concerned about her second arrest in as many weeks, it certainly didn’t show as she roamed the streets 4am this morning.

The troubled singer left her Camden home in the early hours to dash to a petrol station where she collected supplies including magazines and drinks, chatting happily to photographers during her outing.

With her trademark beehive wrapped up in a red bandanna with her husband’s name emblazoned on it, the ever-erratic singer asked the paparazzi for suggestions for a new tattoo.

It was just hours after she visited a London police station by appointment yesterday afternoon before being arrested for possession of Class A drugs and later released on bail.

[From the Daily Mail]

I really hate to say it, but it seems like Amy is on the absolute brink. To say she’s spiraled out of control is such a massive understatement. And while you never ever want to acknowledge that someone could do some serious harm to themselves, it seems like Amy is just a step or two away from total destruction.

Though she’s certainly gone through hard times before, you would hear a lot about her family – especially her father – at least trying to help her, however unsuccessfully. It showed that she had some form of emotional support. Now you hardly hear a word about them, which makes you wonder who Amy’s got left to rely on. Someone needs to look out for her – clearly she can’t do it for herself.

Here’s Amy just a week ago. Look at the dramatic change in her appearance during just seven days time. Images thanks to Splash.

Uma Thurman now gets to have a little peace of mind. After a weeklong trial, her stalker Jack Jordan has been convicted of one count of stalking and one count of aggravated harassment. Jordan was acquitted on two additional stalking counts.

A lovesick former mental patient was convicted Tuesday of stalking and harassing Uma Thurman for more than two years, showing up on her front doorstep and movie set and sending the actress a series of creepy love letters.

Jack Jordan, a 37-year-old out-of-work lifeguard and pool cleaner, faces up to a year in jail. He was convicted of stalking and one count of aggravated harassment, and acquitted of two other harassment counts.

The verdict comes after a weeklong trial that featured riveting testimony from the Academy award-nominated actress, who told the jury she was “completely freaked out” by Jordan’s behavior.

Prosecutors say he had stalked her since 2005, when his crush on Thurman become so intense that he just had to be with the “Kill Bill” and “Pulp Fiction” star.

He showed up at her doorstep and the SoHo set of her movie “My Super Ex-Girlfriend” and sent a series of bizarre cards and letters to Thurman, including 20 of them while he was locked up at a mental institution.

[From the Huffington Post]

Jordan was involuntarily committed specifically for his obsession with Thurman, so I was surprised that he was still allowed to send her mail from the mental institution. Obviously his time there didn’t do any good, as he upped his efforts once he was released. In one of his letters, Jordan said that Uma’s two kids didn’t exist and that they were “an illusion.” Freakishly bizarre stuff, to say the least.

A friend of mine sat in on the trial for several days, and said that when he testified, he didn’t seem crazy, just way too intense. It sounds like he either got a lot of coaching from his lawyers, or is on some medication that’s straightening him out a bit.

Jordan testified in his own defense, saying Friday he now understands how Thurman could have been frightened by his attempts to see her… “In a misguided way I was trying to give her an opportunity to meet me and give myself an opportunity to meet her,” Jordan testified. “I was feeling distressed,” said Jordan. “I had this feeling of longing for Ms. Thurman and I was trying to explain it. I was not trying to scare her in any way.”

[Explaining his intent behind a card on which Jordan had drawn a picture of an open grave, a headstone and a man standing on the edge of a razor blade]: “I felt I was walking on the razor’s edge,” Jordan said. “I felt that it reflected this relationship that I unfortunately imagined that we had. … This cartoon was meant to amuse her, to endear me to her.”

The defendant also admitted that he told Thurman and her family he would kill himself if he couldn’t meet her. He said it “was a clumsy and poor way of expressing my emotions for her. I wasn’t feeling suicidal, but I was expressing a depth of feeling that was very distressing.”

[From the Huffington Post]

It seems like a good idea for Mr. Jordan to spend a bit of time in a hospital, at least for his own mental health. It’s hard to tell to what extent he was a danger to Uma Thurman, but clearly he broke the law, and knew what he was doing. Hopefully Uma and her kids will get some peace now, and be able to move on with their lives.

Here’s Jack Jordan arriving to Manhattan State Supreme Court for his stalking trial on May 2nd. Header of Uma Thurman arriving on May 2nd. Images thanks to Splash.