The National Enquirer has a cover story this week claiming that the ubiquitous talk show host weighs 246 pounds. There’s some debate over whether that number is accurate and whether the Enquirer Photoshopped Oprah to look fatter on the cover, but you can see that she’s gained weight recently.

Their back story has her eating fried food while on the road with Obama and drowning her sorrows in carbs after Stedman broke up with her. Stedman supposedly told Oprah that he’s never really loved her and has always thought of her as a friend. That’s probably all made up, but we’re not above printing it:

“Oprah and Stedman had a late night heart-to-heart talk a few months ago and Stedman admitted that their long romance has been a sham,” said a longtime friend.

“The could had been in counseling, and during one of the sessions Oprah admitted that she was falling out of love with Stedman. But she wanted to give it another chance – so Stedman hung in there.”

“But in the end, it was Stedman who made a heartbreaking confession: He never really loved her.

“Stedman kept hoping their friendship would turn to love, but it never did.”

Stedman told Oprah that if they had really been in love, they would have gotten married years ago, continued the friend.

“There were tears and a lot of hurt, but in the end, they both knew that admitting the truth is better than living a lie…”

Oprah, 54, has tried to keep her mind off Stedman by working and supporting the presidential campaign of Sen. Barack Obama. But while she’s been out on the road with Obama, she regularly eats greasy fast foods and deep-friend meals, an insider revealed – and she gained 26 pounds in two months.

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, March 31, 2008]

Oprah is also said to mindlessly snack a lot while she’s working and they say she plans to get in shape again after the election.

I don’t really like Oprah and think she’s full of shit most of the time, but whether she gains weight or not I don’t really care. People want to point at her for what’s perceived as a personal problem because she’s self-important and richer than most of the world combined, and that’s totally understandable.

Oprah was ranked the 562nd richest person in the world on Forbes Magazine’s rich list in 2006 and was said to be worth $1.4 billion at that time. She does charity but she largely contributes in Africa, and while that’s admirable and all she also dissed American kids by saying that they didn’t want nice schools and would rather have iPods and status symbol clothing. First of all, who is she to talk about someone wanting expensive things when she glorifies consumption with those “favorite things” episodes? Also, when she founded that girls’ school and specified the details down to the color of the building she sounded more like she wanted to create little mini-Oprahs rather than help young girls in Africa. At least she’s doing charity and people are benefiting.

Here’s a funny clip from the first episode of Louis Black’s new show on Comedy Central, “The Root of All Evil,” in which comedians debate topics over who is more evil with Louis Black presiding. In this case it was Oprah vs. The Catholic Church. Comedian Paul F Thomkins went to an inner city school and asked kids if they would rather have a new iPod or a new school. One girl’s reaction when she learned that Oprah dissed American kids is priceless.

If you would like to watch the whole first episode of Lewis Black’s “Root of All Evil: Oprah vs. The Catholic Church” I clipped it for my husband and it’s in four parts. It’s funny as anything and also features comedian Greg Giraldo. (I know this is only tangentially related, but Oprah is involved.)

Lewis Black’s “The Root of All Evil: Oprah Vs. Catholic Church” Part 1
Lewis Black’s “The Root of All Evil: Oprah Vs. Catholic Church” Part 2
Lewis Black’s “The Root of All Evil: Oprah Vs. Catholic Church” Part 3
Lewis Black’s “The Root of All Evil: Oprah Vs. Catholic Church” Part 4

Lewis Black made an appearance on “The Daily Show” last night to do a monologue on NY governor Elliot Spitzer’s prostitution scandal. He first showed clips of tv pundits wondering how Spitzer paid for the hookers, and said “Please, like you don’t know? Guys pay women for sex? No!”

He said that Spitzer paid $4,300 for two hours with a hooker and for that much money you could buy a used Honda and f’ck it. Black noted that the service Spitzer used was the “Emperor’s Club” and that they used a diamond rating, which he said referred to the level of difficulty, like a ski slope. “I tried a five diamond once, now I have a fake knee!”

Lewis Blacks new show “The Root of All Evil” premieres on Comedy Central tonight at 10:30 EST. It features Lewis Black presiding over a “court of pop culture” in which comedians debate which of two subjects is worse: for instance the Catholic Church vs. Oprah. Comedy Central has a clip on its website and the show looks hysterical.

In terms of Elliot Spitzer, the latest news is that NY’s formerly-esteemed governor spent at least $80 freaking thousand on prostitutes. If only he had cheaper taste and didn’t transport them across state lines, he might have been able to keep his little problem secret for some time. Spitzer is expected to resign, according to a source, but no statement has been made yet.

Comedian Lewis Black has a new television show coming on Comedy Central called “Lewis Black’s The Root of All Evil.” It premieres next Wednesday, March 12 at 10:30 p.m. As part of the promotion for the show, he recorded a couple of clips that are on YouTube.

The first one below where he rants on Angelina Jolie made me laugh so hard. I’m not agreeing with what he says, and I know this will open up a comment shitstorm as does any post that even mentions her name, but this was too funny to pass up. His delivery is the best.

Lewis Black on Angelina Jolie

Here’s the transcript in case you can’t listen at work:
“I guess I was the last to hear. Angelina Jolie’s gonna have twins. How exciting is that? You know where? France, she’s gonna have her babies in France. The last baby, she had in Namibia Africa, and as you all know, she grabbed babies from everywhere. She’s like the Johnny Appleseed of maternity. You know if she’s not squirting out a baby in some country, she’s stealing one from another one.” [Transcribed from video above]

I read the “Angelina is delivering in France” story somewhere in last week’s tabloids and it struck me as total bullshit. Then the British press picked it up and didn’t source it. I never bought the news that she was going to Africa until it actually happened, though, so who knows what’s true. Either way, Black is quite talented at summing up many people’s assessment of Jolie. (Again, not that we agree with him or that he’s being serious. It doesn’t matter though because the people who are going to comment with vitriol aren’t going to read this shit anyway.)

Black also recorded another clip that’s a parody of Chris Crocker’s “Leave Britney Alone” tearfest. It’s called “Leave Mike Huckabee Alone!” (Mike Huckabee is the former governor of Arkansas and ran as a Republican candidate for the US presidential election. He ended his campaign yesterday after losing most primaries to John McCain. He believes in creationism, and has made a lot of controversial statements that have drawn criticism, including equating gay marriage with pedophilia and bestiality.)

And here are some older clips from Black’s comedy routines.

On Starbucks proliferation:

On candy corn. It’s funny as hell. I love candy corn, but it’s one of those things you either love or hate:

Black doesn’t shy away from heated political topics as well as hysterical commentary on mundane things. In his HBO special last year, “Red, White, and Screwed,” he talked about how inappropriate it was that Bush told veterans who were amputees about a minor injury he sustained while cutting down a tree, saying “I believe that if you are the president, you should know where you are in the time space continuum.” He also covered religion, and lambasted Bush’s belief in creationism. His rant on hunting is hysterical. He said that “going quail hunting is like saying ‘I’m going fishing’ and going to a goldfish bowl.”

(Note: The PR people for this show sent me the clip, but have not sponsored us in any way. I just love Lewis Black.)