First: UGH, the lips are KILLING me. They look painful. Okay, moving on… Shortly after Lindsay Lohan was ordered back to rehab until January, Radar excerpted parts from the official reports the Betty Ford Clinic had to submit, in addition to Shawn Chapman Holley’s defense on Lindsay’s behalf. During the hearing, Lindsay claimed that she needed to get out of rehab because she was broke, she needed to work, and she couldn’t afford the $50,000-plus it likely costs to be at the clinic for an additional two-three months. PopEater’s sources back up Lindsay’s claims:

You would think that Lindsay Lohan would be jumping for joy since a judge decided to order her back to rehab rather than to jail, however, sources tell me neither option made the troubled actress very happy. Why? Because the strapped ‘Mean Girls’ star will now need to find a sponsor to help cover her bill at the Betty Ford Center.

“Lindsay can’t afford to pay for treatment,” a friend told me after Superior Court Judge Elden Fox ordered her to remain there until Jan. 3. “Three months at the facility will cost her almost $50,000, which she doesn’t have.”

Lohan’s probation report confirms that the star’s “clothing line is falling apart because she is not available to monitor the product,” and any money she hoped to earn from filming ‘Inferno’ will have to wait until she leaves rehab.

“There is simply no money left,” an insider tells me. “Lindsay manages to live high off the generosity of others; however, asking for free clothes and dinners at fancy restaurants is one thing, asking for $50,000 cash is something totally different. Her people tried and failed to sell her first post rehab interview for big bucks, so her only option now is to find some sort of sponsor.”

[From PopEater]

So Lindsay is having to crack hustle to see if anyone can pay her rehab bills. What happened to the six-figure check she got to leave Ungaro? What happened to all of her “modeling”? What happened to all of the money the paparazzi give her for posing for candid shots? I guess she snorted all of that money. Maybe she should try selling some of the jewelry she’s grifted over the years, like the diamond necklace she’s wearing in these photos. And another complaint she had – that she needed to be out of rehab to monitor her 6126 leggings line – well, it turns out that was probably untrue as well. TMZ reports that a source close 6126 says “the company hasn’t missed a beat … because Lindsay has been sketching like crazy since checking into Betty Ford. Sources tell TMZ Lindsay doodled her designs for both the Fall 2011 collection and the Spring 2012 line. We’re told Lindsay is actually a micro-manager, approving almost every detail.” So you mean Lindsay LIED about why she wanted to get out of rehab?!? I’m SO SHOCKED.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

I don’t even have words for my disappointment regarding Lindsay Lohan’s crack validation that she really can get away with it, always, every goddamn time. Late Friday/early Saturday, Lindsay was released from Lynwood after spending 15 hours languishing without bail. Shawn Chapman Holley’s appeal worked, though, and Blohan is back on the streets, probably clipping babies as we speak. But there’s a “source” in the Lohan camp who wants us to know that Lindsay really does know she has a problem. According to the this source, who ran to People Magazine, Lindsay is considering voluntarily checking herself into rehab yet again in the coming days. I think this will be, like… the sixth time? Fifth or sixth.

Although she relapsed just weeks after checking out of UCLA inpatient rehab on Aug. 24, Lindsay Lohan is serious about her recovery, a source close to the actress says.

“She will step up her treatment and do more than what she was previously ordered to do,” says the source, adding that Lohan, 24, plans to voluntarily check herself back into rehab in the coming days.

The actress was released from a Lynwood, Calif., jail late Friday night after winning an appeal to be granted bail following a failed drug test.

For now, Lohan has been ordered to wear a SCRAM alcohol-monitoring bracelet and must avoid places “where alcohol is the chief item of sale.”

She faces a probation violation hearing on Oct. 22, where she could potentially face more jail time for the positive drug test in her ongoing DUI case.

[From People]

Do you believe it? I don’t. Probably because I believe that Lindsay was drinking Jack & cokes when she tweeted her mea culpa crack confession. Probably because all Lindsay ever learns from her f-cked up shenanigans is that she can always get away with it. Probably because Lindsay’s real problem is that she’s an entitled a–hole, not that she’s an addict. Probably because X17 reports that Dina – Mother Crackhead herself – brought liquor over to Lindsay’s place on Thursday night, the night before her hearing, so that they could have one last mother-daughter bender before Lindsay got away with it again.

Speaking of Lindsay’s long history of abuse and Dina’s long history of enabling Lindsay’s crack drama, X17 also published some photos of Lindsay playing with a heroin needle. The photos seem to be from 2007 (you can tell by the normal size of Lindsay’s lips), and in between posing for photos with the needle, she’s making out with Paris Hilton. Which is more dangerous? Eh. News of the World has the story and the photos here.

Last week, Naomi Campbell was forced to testify at the war crimes tribunal of former Liberian dictator/genocidal madman Charles Taylor. Naomi had tried to get out of testifying – but she was subpoenaed, and after all, the prosecutors are more interested in prosecuting Taylor than some crazed, perjuring phone-throwing diva. When I was going through Naomi’s testimony, I noticed that she was contradicting several of her own previous statements, and that her story seemed at odds with Mia Farrow’s, who was also at this dinner for Nelson Mandela in 1997, and who had not only witnessed several of the events in question, but was the one to “out” Naomi to the war crimes tribunal. Naomi had received blood diamonds from Taylor or his men – and Mia Farrow was the one began telling people that.

Anyway, Mia took the stand today and she basically called Naomi out for being a lying liar who is filled with lies. Can I just say? I f-cking love Mia Farrow, and I love that she’s this ballsy. When Naomi hears this, she’s going to fly to Mia’s house and beat her with a bedazzled phone. Mia is very brave:

Actress Mia Farrow, testifying in the war crimes trial of ex-Liberian ruler Charles Taylor in the Netherlands Monday, said that supermodel Naomi Campbell excitedly told her she’d been given “a huge diamond” by Taylor following a South African dinner party in September 1997, contradicting Campbell’s testimony she’d been given “a few … small dirty-looking stones” from an unknown sender.

As RadarOnline.com has previously reported, Campbell, 40, testified last week that following the dinner party hosted by Nelson Mandela, she’d been woken up in the middle of the night and given a pouch containing the stones by two men, who remained silent throughout the exchange. Campbell claimed that she didn’t know who sent her the stones.

On Monday, Farrow, 65, told the court a different version of the events, claiming that while she was eating breakfast with her children the next morning, Campbell bragged to her about the lavish gift — and knew exactly where it came from.

“She said that in the night she had been awakened, some men were knocking at the door, and they had been sent by Charles Taylor,” Farrow said. “And they had given her a huge diamond.”

Farrow, under cross examination, said she “didn’t see the diamond or diamonds” and was strictly going by “what Naomi Campbell said,” adding that the model was excited by the gift, and told her she was planning on donating it to charity.

Campbell testified that she gave the stones along to a friend who was connected to children’s charity run by Mandela. The volatile supermodel did not want to testify before the war crimes tribunal, until officials last month threatened her with seven years behind bars for contempt of court if she refused.

The stones — commonly referred to in the news as a “blood diamonds” — serve as proof that Taylor had been trading firearms to rebels in neighboring Sierra Leone during that country’s civil war from 1991 to 2002, prosecutors said. In exchange, Taylor received the diamonds and other natural resources from the rebels.

Taylor, who’s also accused of murder, rape, sexual enslavement and recruiting child soldiers, has plead not guilty to the 11 war crimes he stands accused of.

[From Radar]

Team Farrow. Here’s the thing that’s kind of awesome: when you watch the video, you can really tell that Mia isn’t out to get Naomi Campbell. Mia is just telling her truth, what she remembers, her version of events, and I think she’s got a pretty good recollection. What kills me is that the prosecution isn’t out to get Naomi – she’s just lying because she doesn’t want to admit that she maybe probably still has the diamond(s) when I think people would understand if she just came clean. But now I’m wondering if Naomi can be prosecuted for perjury. THAT would be awesome.

Yesterday, we heard parts of Jeremy London’s absolutely bizarre story – allegedly, he was forced by two kidnappers to ride around in his own car, “smoking dope” and buying liquor. Jeremy managed to “escape” several hours later, and he went to the police, who seem to believe his story. Unfortunately, no one else believes it. I said yesterday that I felt like a bitch for doubting him, but his story seems non-sensical and like it was all some big excuse for Jeremy – an “recovering” drug addict – to go out and get high with no repercussions. Also – he’s going through a divorce and probably a custody battle for his son. Just sayin’. Anyway, Radar talked to friends of Jeremy’s “kidnapper” – a guy named Brandon Adams. According to these friends, “I don’t believe it… Brandon probably was doing drugs WITH that actor, and the guy just said he was forced to smoke because he knew drugs were in his system.” However, this Brandon guy is also been in and out of jail for years, and sounds shady as hell. But so does Jeremy – who had an outstanding warrant for his arrest when he was “kidnapped”.

Mallrats star Jeremy London had a warrant for his arrest when he was kidnapped and forced to smoke drugs, RadarOnline.com has exclusively learned.

Troubles for the Party of Five and 7th Heaven actor started in January 2004 when he was convicted of a DUI. He was ordered to pay a $1,402 fine and attend a 3-month first-offender drug and alcohol counseling program.

In January of this year — while on probation — Jeremy was charged with driving without a license. Two months later, a bench warrant was issued for him after he failed to appear at a hearing in connection with the traffic violation. Bail was set at $2,500.

A county clerk confirmed to RadarOnline.com that the warrant has not been revoked.

Although Jeremy was dealing with police all day Thursday, he still hasn’t been arrested on the warrant. Meanwhile, the suspect in his bizarre kidnapping is behind bars and has a rap sheet of his own.

26-year-old Brandon Ray Adams was convicted in 2006 of public intoxication. Two years later, July 25, 2008, he was charged with molesting a child under the age of 18, but those charges were later dismissed. On the second count of battery, he was found guilty. And just last year, Adams was arrested for shoplifting. He pled not guilty. The case is still open.

Now you can add the following charges to his criminal record: Kidnap for Ransom, Carjacking, Robbery, Taking A Vehicle Without Owner Consent and Receiving Stolen Property.

He is now being held on half a million dollars bail. His next court hearing will be June 24, 2010.

[From Radar]

This whole f-cking thing is shady as hell. Were Brandon and Jeremy drug buddies, getting high together regularly or semi-regularly? And did Jeremy throw Brandon under the bus because Jeremy wanted an explanation for why his future drug tests were coming back positive? Or is Jeremy just a guy struggling with his recovery who happened to be kidnapped and truly “forced” to do drugs? Eh. By the way, I totally agree with the commenters yesterday who theorized that this incident would be Lindsay Lohan’s next move – she’s probably thinking or a way to be “kidnapped” any day now.

Jeremy on December 3, 2009. Credit: WENN.

Would you like to know how trashy Lindsay Lohan is? She gave a new exclusive interview to Star Magazine. It’s that bad. Usually, the family Lohan seems to prefer Radar for their exclusive statements, but every now and then they’ll luck out and get a quote in Us Weekly or People. But this isn’t even just a statement – it’s an actual interview. Guess what our sober crackhead is talking about? How she’s never had anything to drink, ever, and all of these “lies” are destroying her career. Oh, you dumb milkaholic.

In her first interview since being forced to wear a SCRAM bracelet, and less than two weeks after the booze monitor detected her consumption of a “small amount of alcohol,” Lindsay Lohan speaks out to Star exclusively about leaving her addiction behind and getting her career back on track.

“Enough is enough,” the frustrated starlet says in our June 28 issue. “People should just leave me alone and let me live.”

The hard-partying star particularly wants to refute any notion that she’s fallen off the wagon since Star broke the news that the SCRAM went off in the early hours of June 7 while she was partying at Katy Perry’s post-MTV Movie Awards bash.

“I haven’t touched any alcohol or anything of the sort,” she insists. Adding: “The lies that get created [are] damaging to my career.”

Although Lindsay, who is working to get financial backing for her make-or-break role in Inferno playing porn star Linda Lovelace, is adamant that she’s been playing it straight since she was fitted with the bracelet on May 24, she’s certainly put herself in the way of temptation by hitting the Hollywood party scene hard.

“It’s a constant struggle for her to stay sober, one that she faces every day,” an insider reveals in the article.

For the full story and complete interview with Lindsay — as well as others close to her who are in the know — pick up the June 28 issue of Star today.

[From Star Magazine]

Yes, perhaps some of us would be willing to give Lindsay the benefit of the doubt – after all, it’s not like we’ve never heard of something having a technical malfunction, and I’d be willing to bet those SCRAM bracelets aren’t 100% accurate. Except no one is in the mood for it anymore. After years of Lindsay’s cracked out lies, where she’s always the poor, innocent victim in an unjust world full of conspirators, crack heads and haters who make it their life’s mission to destroy her, many of us are over it. Many us great each new story, each new interview, each new shenanigan with a simple, “Let’s see what this f-cking lying crackhead is up to today.”

What if Lindsay has been telling the truth all along? What if she really did “lose” her passport – or what if it really was “stolen” by someone working for her father? What if she really did have to be in Texas to shoot a film? What if she really was intending to cut her Cannes party-hopping short to fly to LA in time for her court hearing? What sort of Twilight Zone world would that be?

On Tuesday, I called Lindsay out on what seemed to be yet another cracked-out lie during her court hearing – she claimed she shouldn’t have to wear the SCRAM bracelet and stay in LA because she had to film a movie in Texas. TMZ and Radar had a field day with that one, pointing out that the two films Lindsay is attached to – Inferno and Machete - have no work for her in Texas. Oh-so-conveniently, E! News ran a suspicious piece yesterday “correcting” all of us and claiming that Lindsay is, in fact, supposed to do a film in Texas. She’s “in talks” for a part in The Dry Gulch Kid, which shoots in Texas this summer. The film’s producer told E!: “We are in talks, but nothing is confirmed yet. Hopefully she’ll let us know in the next few days. She’s a good actress. The ankle bracelet means nothing to us. We can take care of that.” After that sketchy statement (WTF?), the producer claims that Johnny Knoxville is attached, and that they hope to also cast Owen Wilson and Woody Harrelson. Good luck with that. If Blohan is associated, I don’t see any A, B or C-list talent wanting to associate themselves with it. And she is, after all, just “in talks”. She doesn’t have the job yet. Verdict: Still a crackhead liar.

Meanwhile, Radar has “proof” that Lindsay really did have a ticket back to LA, the “proof” that her lawyer couldn’t come up with when challenged by the judge. Radar got their hands on her May 19 ticket – which Lindsay had only bought the day before, at a cost of $$6860.50. Radar has a copy here. Here’s more:

Lindsay Lohan DID have a ticket to return to Los Angeles from France before her passport was mysteriously stolen, and RadarOnline.com has exclusively obtained the document that proves it.

The controversy over whether or not Lohan had a ticket home in time for her mandatory court appearance last week was one of the major dramas of the Lohan saga. And missing that court date caused a bench warrant to be issued for Lindsay.

After Monday’s hearing, Los Angeles Deputy District Attorney Danette Meyers told RadarOnline.com that Lohan’s top league eagle, Shawn Chapman Holley, was unable to produce a ticket confirming the sometime actress, all-time party girl planned to come home in time for her date with justice.

“All I got was an itinerary for travel on May 18th, and not a plane ticket,” Meyers said.

“I did get a copy of Ms. Lohan’s plane ticket and boarding pass for May 22nd.”

It’s all true. All Meyers received was a travel invoice from a travel agency, issued on May 18, that showed Lindsay Denise Lohan was booked on a Swiss International Airlines flight to depart Nice and arrive in Los Angeles, stopping over in Zurich.

On that document , it clearly states Lohan was scheduled to arrive at LAX at 1.10pm on May 19 — well in time for her to make the mandatory court date. The flight was paid for on May 18 — and cost a staggering $6860.50. But here’s the smoking gun.

RadarOnline.com confirmed that the itinerary was not only valid – but that a ticket was indeed issued. The ticket number on the invoice was indeed a legitimate booking for Lohan. We also confirmed the ticket was never used.

That’s because when Lohan went to check in for the long-haul flight, Swiss could not issue her with a boarding pass and ticket, as she could not present a passport.

Her next probation hearing is set for July 6th.

[From Radar]

What kills me every damn time when I hear the oh-so-tragic story of how Lindsay was “trying” to get to LA for her court date is the simple fact that she showed up to the airport and tried to board the plane – without her passport. Her actions belie her crackheadedness. So… what’s more likely, honestly? That Lindsay really wanted to get home, so much that she bought a nearly $7000 ticket, or that she intended to stay in Cannes the whole time, partying her ass off and she just bought the ticket to cover her tracks?

P.S. Is it just me, or is she looking very Kate Bosworth in these photos? I also hate that I love those dark jeans.

Lindsay Lohan on May 25 & 26, 2010. Credit: WENN.

In Touch Weekly hasn’t released any excerpts from their cover story “Sandra’s Caving In: Fooled By His Lies” all about Jesse’s Nightline interview and how full of sh-t he is. However, ITW did send us this great exclusive interview with Bombshell McGee – it’s basically just her reaction to Jesse’s interview, and how full of sh-t he is. Call me crazy, but I actually think Bombshell is making some half-decent points here. She refutes Jesse’s claim that Jesse wanted to get caught – pointing out that Jesse took a lot of precautions not to be found out. Although… if he was taking so many precautions, why did she still believe him when he said that he and Sandra were split up? Eh. Bombshell also thinks he and Sandra are still sort-of together. I can’t believe Bombshell and I agree on something.

“I do think things were avoided,” his mistress Michelle “Bombshell” McGee tells In Touch exclusively after watching the interview. “Like details of our affair. He seemed to gloss over everything and it was very generic.”

Jesse James’ interview with Nightline on May 25 was billed as an explosive tell-all about his betrayal of wife Sandra Bullock, but the Monster Garage star was strangely unemotional and unapologetic about his bad behavior.

“I do think things were avoided,” his mistress Michelle “Bombshell” McGee tells In Touch exclusively after watching the interview. “Like details of our affair. He seemed to gloss over everything and it was very generic.”

Although Jesse admitted that he “hurt” Sandra, Michelle is upset that he didn’t mention her: “What about the other people he hurt along the way? Even though I don’t expect to get an apology, at the very least, I was hoping for some sort of acknowledgment regarding the pain and embarrassment he caused myself and others.”

Jesse claimed during the interview that deep down he wanted to get caught but Michelle isn’t buying it.

“No,” she says. “He took every precaution NOT to get caught. I was only allowed to come up during after hours at the shop. We could never go get food — even at his own restaurant.”

The only time Jesse cried during the interview was when he blamed his father’s abuse during childhood for his affairs.

“I do believe something happened with his dad,” Michelle tells In Touch. “He talked about it one night. He said he hadn’t talked to his Dad for years and he hated him.”

However, she doesn’t think he should use his father as an excuse. “I believe people could react that way as a result of abuse, but is this the reason for cheating with multiple women? I’m not sure I’m convinced,” says Michelle.

Even though Jesse told Nightline he believes he and Sandra will get divorced “100 percent,” her friends worry that Sandra will fall for Jesse’s crocodile tears — and his mistress agrees.

“I have my suspicions that they will be still together but out of the public eye,” Michelle tells In Touch.

[From In Touch Weekly]

God, I agree with Bombshell about the abuse stuff too! Sure, I buy that Jesse could have been a victim of child abuse. But to use that as some kind of explanation or excuse for screwing around on your wife? For goodness sake, grow a pair! Sack up, douche. I really, really hope Sandra isn’t falling for this sh-t.

Cover courtesy of ITW.

Yesterday, CB and I made a little wager – a ten dollar bet on when Lindsay would set off her SCRAM bracelet/anklet. CB thought that Lindsay wouldn’t be wearing the SCRAM thing until today, so she bet that Lindsay would go out partying last night. My bet was that it would take 48 hours for Lindsay to set the damn thing off. Well, the bet wasn’t really fair, because Lindsay got fitted for the SCRAM yesterday, right after her court appearance. So she didn’t go out partying last night, but I have high hopes for tonight. By the way, did you know that she has to wear the SCRAM when she showers? Also, apparently it’s really, really easy to beat the SCRAM system – E! News has a piece about all of the various ways people can “fool” the monitor, including dunking your ankle in a bucket of ice while you drink, which seems like a bad idea, honestly.

Also – one of Lindsay’s complaints during yesterday’s hearings was that she wouldn’t be allowed to leave town. Linds protested that she had a film to do in Texas. Well, guess what cracked-out lie several outlets jumped on? Yep:

Lindsay Lohan made it clear to the court that she didn’t wanna wear a SCRAM bracelet because she thought it would get in the way of an upcoming movie shoot in Texas — problem is, no such shoot exists.

TMZ has contacted the producers of the only two motion picture projects Lindsay is currently attached to — “Machete” and “Inferno” — and they both made it very clear that LiLo has no business in Texas.

A rep for “Machete” tells us there ARE additional scenes being shot in Texas but, “according to the director, they don’t include [Lindsay].”

As for “Inferno,” a rep tells us, “The Linda Lovelace biopic doesn’t plan on starting shooting ’till the beginning of August.” Also, it’s not being shot in Texas — so the SCRAM bracelet would have no affect on that film either.

Lindsay’s attorney, Shawn Chapman Holley, relayed Lohan’s excuse to Judge Marsha Revel on Monday — but the judge didn’t buy it anyway … and forced her to SCRAM it up.

[From TMZ]

What’s the bigger lie, that she had a job, or that the job was in Texas? At this point, Lindsay lives every day like it’s Opposite Day. Whatever comes out of her mouth is a lie, no matter if she’s refusing to admit she has alcohol and drug problems, to simple questions about her passport. Oh, LaineyGossip had a good piece about Lindsay yesterday, and Lainey (who was in Cannes) mentioned that she, nor any of the journalists she spoke to, had heard about Lindsay doing any kind of press for Inferno, that Linda Lovelace biopic that Lindsay was supposedly “promoting”. Lying crackhead liar.

Also – Jesus, look how f-cking dirty she is. She just looks like she never bathes.

Yesterday, I tried to sum up all of the sketchy, cracked out excuses Lindsay Lohan was making for her inability to fly back to Los Angeles to face her court date, which is today. Her lawyer claimed that Lindsay had lost her passport, and that they were trying to get some kind of emergency temp passport from the American embassy. Dina Lohan went to Radar and threw herself a little pity party because there wasn’t “someone in a higher echelon to help us” at the French embassy. Uh… French embassy? That would be necessary if a French citizen was caught in America. Not an American citizen caught in France. Ugh, Dina, f-ck your damn lies. Anyway, as predictable as this sounds, it turns out that the Lohans got caught out on their bullsh-t quick. Radar is reporting that according to the duty officer at the U.S. Embassy in France, Lindsay has not applied for a new passport.

Lindsay Lohan has not requested a new passport and may be stuck in France for a little while longer, RadarOnline.com has exclusively confirmed. Maryse Nebatti, the Duty Officer in Marseille for the U.S. Embassy in France, told RadarOnline.com that Lindsay reported the passport stolen but “has not requested a new passport.”

The embassy office in Marseille is the closest location to Lindsay who has been in Cannes promoting her latest role as porn star Linda Lovelace.

Lindsay’s mother Dina told RadarOnline.com that her passport was stolen and she was turned away from a flight back to the United States on Tuesday.

“This was not a planned scheme,” she said.

The U.S. Embassy confirmed that Lindsay faxed a copy of her passport to their Paris embassy but has not specifically requested a new one. According to the Duty Officer, neither Lindsay nor her mother Dina have contacted the Embassy, but a representative of hers from the United States phoned the Embassy in Paris at 6:25pm local time.

The Embassy closed at 6pm local time but the representative spoke to an after hours staffer.

Nabatti told RadarOnline.com that even though she has not received a request for the new passport, she has contacted the Consul to alert them of Lindsay’s situation.

“There is nothing we can do this late,” Nabatti told RadarOnline.com.

According to the Embassy, Lindsay needs to fill out the paperwork to get a temporary passport. That paperwork cannot be obtained until Thursday morning. Danette Meyers, the Deputy District Attorney in Los Angeles who is handling Lindsay’s case, told RadarOnline.com that she will seek to jail Lindsay for up to 180 if she is found to be in violation of her probation. Lindsay’s mother Dina insisted this was not an excuse for Lindsay to get out of the court hearing on Thursday in Los Angeles.

“I’m exhausted… I’ve been up for the last 24 hours with Lindsay and her attorneys dealing with this,” she told RadarOnline.com earlier on Wednesday. “We are actively dealing with the French Embassy as we speak but unfortunately they close at a certain hour so we¹re trying to get someone in a higher echelon to help us.”

[From Radar]

Jesus, what cracked out drama. And for what? Because Lindsay wanted to party in France. Because she wanted to f-ck Dominic Cooper and pose on red carpets and do the heavier French drugs. And because she doesn’t give a sh-t about court appearances or even doing the very bare minimum to see that she doesn’t go to jail. Well, she’s still “stuck” in France. So she’s going to jail.

By the way, LaineyGossip did a really great, epic post about Lohan Drama yesterday and she pointed out several two points. One: “They were floating around the excuse that she might not make it due to volcanic ash. Please. The ash is only affecting flights to the UK. France to Germany and then connecting to North America – at press time – is fine…. She’s here because she’s an asshole.” Second point: “On the advance tip sheet for a party happening tomorrow night, her name was ON IT. So if she was supposed to be back in LA, how come someone told the party organizers that she’d be showing up?” Because Lindsay’s plan was to have a cracked out adventure in France all along. Wouldn’t it be awesome if she stayed there, a la Roman Polanski? Like, she would be a cracked-out fugitive from justice.

By the way, I’m doing these close-ups of her so you can see how f-cking dirty her skunky crackface is. Look at her filthy face! How do her ears get that nasty?

Lindsay Lohan in Cannes on May 17, 2010. Credit: WENN & ANG/Fame.

Oh, Demi. You fraud. I work hard to keep my feelings about Demi at an even keel, just because I don’t want to believe she’s the devil, but she keeps doing and saying things that drive me up the wall. Demi gave an interview to this week’s Hello Magazine and this bitch wouldn’t even admit to… get this… DYEING HER HAIR. Are you kidding me? Demi denying the plastic surgery is one thing, but to deny dyeing your hair?!? Here are the highlights from one of Demi’s most delusional interviews (and that’s saying something):

When asked how Demi stays looking so young, she answers “Fun time with my husband… I think it’s also sharing a quality life with someone where I know that I have someone who loves me not just for who I am, but all the things that I’m not. He embraces my imperfections and that gives me a greater sense of courage and ability to be a great risk-taker.”

Demi on her hair: “I don’t dye my hair, but I do have a few grey hairs that I pluck out.”

On Twitter: “There is a direct contact and there’s comfort, because you’r in control of what’s being put out there. If I’m going to have a humiliating or unattractive photo, I would rather be in on the joke and post it myself.”

How did Demi look so “amazing” at the Oscars? “Trust me, it’s a team. That particular day is really kind of a magical effort of a great group coming together to make it all work to its highest good.

Is there a secret to your eternal youth? “Well, you know, the reality of it is I’ve aged. I certainly don’t look the same as I did in my 20s or 30s. I think that it’s important to come from the inside out and that we wear our joy and our happiness and our beauty when the inside is radiating that. And then, of course, you have to take care of yourself. You can’t abuse yourself, you eat well – all of those things that we all know. There really isn’t any particular secret and, trust me, I obsess and look in the mirror and occasionally say, “Where’s that little strap that I can hang around my neck that says, ‘Help my face is falling and I can’t get up’?”

[From Hello Magazine, print edition]

Barf. How much longer will Demi be trying to sell this bullsh-t? Seriously? On some level, I understand why Demi lies, lies, lies away about her plastic surgery. I’m sure she’s embarrassed, maybe, and she overcompensates by selling us this happy horsesh-t about how we can have a new face too if only we just believe. But to be so f-cking delusional that she thinks we’ll buy that she doesn’t dye her hair? Granted, she doesn’t dye it funky colors, and she sticks with the jet black dye very consistently, so it’s not like she has monster roots or something. But still, I know her hair is a dye job, and who really gives a crap? Why even lie about something so idiotic?