On the Internet auction site eBay you can buy a lot of junk. The first thing sold on the site, originally named AuctionWeb, was a broken laser pointer for $14.83. When the seller asked the buyer why he wanted a broken laser pointer, he replied “I collect them”.

There’s a lot of junk on eBay sold that’s related to Britney, nearly 10,000 more items last week than were sold under Paris’ name.

The number of Spears-related items sold at the online auction site totaled 34,345, compared with 27,377 items associated with Hilton, eBay said this week.

Items associated with Spears ranged from signed CDs to disposable lighters featuring her likeness. Among the Hilton-related items sold: a toothbrush claimed to have been found in the hotel heiress’ trash.

Fragrances were the most popular product category sold for Spears and Hilton.

Both fared better than Lindsay Lohan. Her name was only associated with 8,099 items sold, according to eBay.

However, the three tabloid staples were all outslugged by baseballer Barry Bonds, who was pegged to 145,497 related items, including a grilled-cheese sandwich, which netted a winning bid of $US30.

Sydney Morning Herald

You know, I sometimes think that if I was Britney I might be crazy too. She’s had two children in quick succession, her marriage ended, her career was on the low and now it’s over, the paparazzi follow her everywhere and everyone wants to profit from her. I’d probably still wear underpants though, even at my most insane I normally only forget to put on a watch.

Some of the Britney related items sold online included photographs of her, CDs, her fragrances, and t-shirts featuring Britney bald with witty sayings. Once auctioned was a half eaten egg salad sandwich and corndog that Britney and Kevin Federline ate, which sold to goldenpalace.com for $520, known for its unusual eBay purchases.

Note by Celebitchy: Right now someone is auctioning off a small piece of a dress Britney once wore in a Pepsi commercial. At least the seller is realistic about the price. There are three bids and the item is currently priced at $4.25.

Remember how the owner of the salon where Britney shaved her hair was trying to auction it off on eBay for $1 million? The auction was removed either by the seller or by eBay, it’s unclear. Salon owner Esther Tognozzi launched a website BuyBritneysHair.com to try and make enough money to retire. It looks like Esther is still cutting and blowing dry, because the site is now down and we haven’t heard anything more about it.

Britney is shown driving with her dog on her lap outside the Four Seasons on 8/12/07. At least it’s not one of her kids. Thanks to WENN.

Oh greatest of sadnesses: Lindsay Lohan is single once again. Though Michael Lohan had called every major (and minor) news organization to report on his happy Thanksgiving with Lindsay and mentioned her lovely relationship with Riley Giles, it turns out the pair broke up right after the holiday. You know, a really big turkey dinner can do that to the best of us. You’re sitting there uncomfortably full, and you turn to Lindsay Lohan and realize she’s tanned to the exact same color of the turkey, and if she keeps doing that for a few more years her skin will have the same consistency. And suddenly, the fame and money doesn’t seem worth it, and you’re on the next flight back to Utah. But not before you make room for some pie. Because your turkey stomach may be full, but your sweet stomach still had a pie-shaped hole that needs to be filled. Am I projecting here?

Lindsay Lohan and Riley Giles, the 25-year-old snowboarder she met while seeking treatment at Utah’s Cirque Lodge, have ended their relationship, sources confirm to PEOPLE. “They’re over – they’ve broken up,” a source says. “They split after Thanksgiving weekend.” Adds another source: “She is concentrating on her life and her career.”

Lohan, 21, checked out of the exclusive Cirque Lodge on Oct. 5. She had been there since August. (The breakup was first reported by E! News.) A week after his daughter had left Cirque Lodge, Lindsay’s father, Michael Lohan, told PEOPLE about Giles: “He’s a great, great kid. If you met him, you’d like him.”

[From People]

People also mentions that Lindsay is heading back to the studio to record her second album. I’m not sure if that’s really the best way to further your career, considering how poorly the first album did. Though she’s actually got a decent voice – it’s not nearly as embarrassing as Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie singing.

On the career front, Lindsay is gearing up to head back to the studio to record an album for Universal Music Group’s Motown label, to be released next year. (She had previously recorded with the parent company’s Casablanca label.)

A label source tells PEOPLE that Lohan “is expected to start recording within the next two weeks.” In addition, Lohan is gearing up for a scheduled cameo on ABC’s Ugly Betty. Says her rep: “As we left it, she was in talks to do an arc on Ugly Betty, which she is a huge fan of. She’s hoping that the [writers'] strike ends soon. She’d love to get back to work.”

[From People]

Though a few reports of Lindsay trying to drink came in when she first left rehab, it seems that she’s actually been on the straight and narrow for the most part. Though her parents are world-class idiots, she’s reconnected with her father and remains close to her mother. The worst thing that’s been confirmed is spending too much time in the tanning booth. Hopefully she’ll stay out of random guys’ beds for a while and settle into her life for a bit.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here Lindsay shopping at American Apparel in Los Angeles yesterday. Images thanks to WENN.

First things first: I never support Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan could somehow turn into the Virgin Mary, and I’d still have a really big problem with her. I think I might be going to a special level of Hell just for saying that. But if someone should be such a giant prick as to make me support Lindsay Lohan, I’m pretty sure that person is destined for a special level of Hell too. Probably one where “Herbie Fully Loaded” plays on a loop.

Lohan’s car hit busboy Raymundo Ortega’s van on October 4, 2005. Lohan had just finishing having lunch at the Ivy. The Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department’s ruled the incident to be Ortega’s fault for making an illegal U-turn directly in front of Lohan. They also ruled that alcohol was not a factor in the crash. It seems pretty clear that Ortega say dollar signs on impact. But he didn’t do anything for two years, until Lohan went to rehab for the second time. Then he filed a negligence suit on June 14, 2007 against both her and the Ivy (who he believes served her alcohol even though she was underage) for $200,000. His argument seems to be that because Lohan has alcohol problems now, she must have had them then. While that could very well be true, I can’t imagine how someone could prove that. More specifically, I can’t imagine how he could prove that Lohan was drunk at that moment two years ago, especially when the sheriff’s deputies said she wasn’t. It seems like he’s trying to take advantage of the situation.

Lindsay finally countersued the guy, since she paid for all the repairs to her car herself – which she didn’t have to do, since the crash was ruled Ortega’s fault. [I just want to note that I’m seething right now because I’m actually feeling something close to empathy for Lindsay Lohan, and that makes me HATE Raymundo Ortega with the fire of a thousand suns]. Anyway, Ortega has been dragging Lohan in and out of court almost weekly, promising that he has some evidence that will prove she was drunk that day. But he’s failed to produce it or comply with any of the judge’s orders to turn over paperwork pertaining to his evidence.

According to court documents filed in Los Angeles Superior Court, Lohan’s camp is requesting that a judge order the Los Angeles-based busboy to provide proof that Lohan, contrary to the CHP’s report, had been drinking on Oct. 4, 2005, before she smacked into Ortega’s van with her Mercedes.

The 21-year-old starlet’s lawyers also request in their latest filing that the judge conclude that Ortega’s allegations are false because the plaintiff has ignored their repeated requests to turn over the documents he claims to have that prove his assertions. Ortega’s lawyer has said that they have witnesses who will support their side of the story.

[From E! News]

I’m not inclined to believe Lindsay Lohan is innocent of anything. The sky could suddenly turn green and rain hedgehogs, and I’d be certain her drinking was somehow involved. But something tells me Ortega’s “witnesses” are a load of crap. This whole thing sounds like it’s filled with opportunists. And they need to be stopped, not to make Lindsay’s life better, but so that no one feels inclined to cut her a break out of sympathy.

The judge also ruled against Lindsay’s request not to have her deposition taped. Her lawyer argued that the press would try to get a hold of the tape, which would go for tens of thousands of dollars. But that’s more than most of Lohan’s movies rake in anymore. Really, it can only help.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Lindsey Lohan leaving Byron salon on November 28th. She then went to the Staples Center for a Lakers game. Images thanks to Splash Photos.

Celebrities’ lavish spending is nothing new, but according to several recent articles, the amount of spending is. Where stars used to bank money away - knowing that their careers could always take a nosedive - these days they seem to spend until it has all dried up. Last month court papers were made public that revealed Britney Spears takes home an average of $737,000 every month. Yet the records also show that she doesn’t have any savings or investments. That kind of lifestyle has led many of the famous and the formerly famous into bankruptcy.

“Most high earners, like celebrities, should view themselves like ballplayers do,” said Everett Weinberger, a financial adviser at Merrill Lynch. “You need to put away money right at the beginning, assuming that it may end. … Young people can be very shortsighted, forgetting that they’re not going to be famous forever.”

Michael Jackson knows this story all too well. He’s defaulted on a $23 million loan, and if he doesn’t pay the full amount — plus $212,963.83 in interest — by the end of January, he could lose his beloved Neverland Ranch. Twelve years ago, the female R&B group TLC was also forced to file for bankruptcy, despite selling a staggering 23 million records. Britney may not be far behind. Court papers show that she spends $102,000 each month on entertainment, gifts and vacations. Her monthly clothing bill is a whopping $16,000 — $1,000 more than she forks over for child support.

Lindsay Lohan reportedly spent more than $1 million on clothes last year, but her publicist denied it. (Her stylist Rachel Zoe also reportedly said that her client’s closet is filled with $8,000 Prada dresses and $2,000 Prada bags.) And Jessica Simpson’s penchant for $1,400 Egyptian-cotton sheets was well-documented on MTV’s ill-fated “Newlyweds.”

[From Fox News]

The article goes on to give one of the most famous examples of ridiculous spending followed by financial ruin – MC Hammer. Although Jacko’s obviously following closely behind. Hammer made over $33 off “U Can’t Touch This” – and ran through it all in under four years. His entourage included over 200 employees. He had 17 cars, an entire stable of thoroughbred race horses, and added three waterfalls and $2 million worth of marble to his home. Not only did he blow through all $33 million, but when he filed for bankruptcy in 1996, Hammer was in debt an additional $13 million.

The article goes on to list some celebrities that have been smart with their money by investing it to make even more.

Rapper Jay-Z owns a stake in the New Jersey Nets, co-owns the Rocawear clothing line and is president of Universal Music Group’s Def Jam Recording. Sean “Diddy” Combs has interests in Bad Boy Records, the clothing lines Sean John and Sean by Sean Combs, a movie production company and two restaurants. And Def Jam Records co-founder Russell Simmons owns a management company, a clothing line called Phat Farm, a movie production house, TV shows, a magazine and an advertising agency. The three men are worth approximately $547 million, $358 million and $340 million respectively.

“Celebrities tend to over-invest in real estate because it’s tangible and sexy,” Weinberger said. “They see that beautiful house in Florida or California and have to have it. People should know, in general, that real estate is not going to appreciate as well as the stock market.” Nevertheless, real estate can always be sold off to pay creditors, whereas handbags, stilettos and sheaths lose value the minute the tags are cut.

[From Fox News]

I think the author is taking a rather biased view – she doesn’t bother to mention any female celebrities that have made good financial decisions. As much as I can’t stand her, Kimora Simmons has quite an empire going on. Oprah has phenomenal business skills. There are certainly a lot of young idiot celebrities that may very well blow it all, but it seems like they’re focusing on the ladies a lot more than the men. Certainly there are some guys out there sporting too much bling and an excessive entourage. I seriously doubt saving money is even on Britney’s list right now – but considering the downturn her entire life has taken, she may want to get a good financial advisor to safeguard her money. And Lindsay’s been reported to be broke for almost a year now, with rumors floating around that she’s selling pictures of herself to gossip mags for money. The optimistic part of me hopes that as they mature, they’ll be able to save and spend a little better. And hopefully they’ll still have careers then too.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Lohan again, shopping at Chanel in Beverly Hills, after having lunch at the Ivy. She reportedly bought an expensive purse – though Lindsay’s known for her ability to haggle free swag. In light of this article, more power to her I guess. Header image of Britney and her new white $200,000 Mercedes SL6. She went shopping with “boyfriend” Sam Lufti at trendy baby store Bel Bambini, on Robertson Boulevard in Los Angeles on November 10th. Images thanks to Splash Photos.

Ahh, every man’s fantasy. Lindsay Lohan strip searched. Okay not every man’s, but I would ballpark it at a solid 8.5 out of 10. Lindsay’s original sentence - for her two DUIs, felony charges of possession of cocaine, transportation of a narcotic, and driving with a suspended license – ended up clocking it at just 84 minutes. Lohan was supposed to serve four days in jail, but agreed to serve ten days of community service instead of two of the jail days. She was given credit for one day since she spent time in jail when she was initially arrested. That left her with just one day to serve, which means she was out in 84 minutes – narrowly missing Nicole Ritchie’s record of 82 minutes. While there, Lindsay was strip searched. Thanks, People Magazine, for pointing that out.

Lindsay Lohan reported to the Lynwood jail on Thursday to serve her minimum 24-hour sentence as part of her plea deal in her two DUI cases – and checked out 84 minutes later. According to the sheriff’s department Web site, the actress turned herself in at 10:30 a.m., and was released at 11:54 a.m. The jail has a long-standing policy of releasing non-violent offenders early due to overcrowding.

“Ms. Lohan was cooperative,” sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore tells PEOPLE. “She was fingerprinted, photographed, and put in a holding cell, but was let go due to our early release policy.” Whitmore also confirmed that Lohan was strip searched as part of routine jail procedure.

[From People]

Alright, who’s up next? Let’s see, we’ve gone through Paris, Nicole, Lindsay… I’m trying to think, what other celebrity f*** up hasn’t gone to jail yet? I’m sitting here totally stumped. Oh Britney! Yeah I think it’s your turn. You have to admit, as big a screw-up as she is, she has yet to drive drunk… at least that we know of. Though she still manages to run over people’s feet and drive through red lights when she’s (theoretically) sober. I think it’s time for the LAPD to start tailing her. I’m sure they could find Brit driving under the influence of some sort of illicit substance in under four hours flat. That’s a good way to get your whole day’s ticket quota taken care of, officers.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Lindsay’s newest mug shot to add to her collection. Header image of Lindsay shopping at Chanel in Beverly Hills, after having lunch at the Ivy. Volunteering is hard. Images thanks to Splash Photos.

Lindsay Lohan, who hasn’t relapsed yet partially thanks to her strict handlers, has been hanging out with a 25 year-old snowboarder with a lengthy rap sheet named Riley Giles. Giles dumped his last girlfriend, Breanna Tierney, by SMS, texting her that he “needed a break” and eventually confessing to screwing Lohan in one of the stairwells at the rehab where they met. Tierney says that she was engaged to Giles, and that he gave her a cubic zirconia ring that she found out was fake after some of the stones fell out. Giles claims that he broke up with Tierney before hooking up with Lohan and that he was never engaged to her.

So Giles seems the type who is willing to get engaged, but is all too ready to pretend it never happened when it becomes inconvenient for him. This week’s Star Magazine is reporting that Lohan got all worried that she was pregnant when she was a few days late, and that Giles stepped up to pop the question:

Just when Lindsay Lohan thought she was back on track after finally getting sober, the actress got a major shock that could have threatened it all: According to a source, Lindsay was days “late” and feared she was pregnant with boyfriend Riley Giles’ baby.

“Lindsay was terrified,” the source tells Star. “She’s also gained weight, and she started worrying that it was from being pregnant.”

And while having a child with someone she loves is something that Lindsay has always dreamed about, it’s not the right time, says the source. “She just figured out how to get sober - she’s certainly not ready to be responsible for a child now!”

But when Lindsay, 21, broke down and told Riley she thought she might be pregnant, his reaction was not quite what she expected. “He was actually pretty excited,” says the source. “And he did was he thought was right and proposed on the spot.”

Lindsay’s response? “It literally took her breath away,” says the source. “She was touched, but she knew it was not the right thing to do and turned him down. She told him that she cares for him deeply, but they weren’t ready to get married. Riley totally understood.”

A few days later, Lindsay’s fears were put to rest when she finally got her period.

[From Star Magazine, print edition, November 12, 2007]

You know that Giles was just excited that he was closer than ever at his chance to get his grubby hands on Lohan’s dwindling fortune. Star reports that Lohan’s friends are warning her about Giles and calling him “creepy” and a “jerk, and an all-around bum.” He sounds just like her speed, and I hope they do get married as it will make their flame-out that much more significant. Lohan was probably hoping to be pregnant so that she could up her star factor like Nicole Richie. It would also significantly increase the amount she could charge the paparazzi for exclusive pictures.

Opportunistic Giles is said to have given paparazzi a talking-to as they were waiting for Lohan to emerge with new extensions from Ken Paves’ salon. TMZ is vague, but makes it sound like he told them to be respectful towards her, and that it worked.

Here’s Lohan with cupcakes yesterday and out with Giles the night before. The photo agency Splash has the entire breakdown of her Sunday, which predictably involved shopping and eating out, but I couldn’t give a shit.

Lindsay Lohan’s new boyfriend, snowboarder Riley Giles, who is either 24 or 25 depending on who you believe, has a rap sheet that rivals careless Lindsays. He was on probation in Utah for forging a Xanax prescription, and was arrested for DUI in Vegas in May of this year. Since Giles failed to tell his Utah probation officer that he was busted for DUI in another state he could be facing jail time. What’s more is that his then-fiance, Breanna Tierney, was injured in the accident that got him arrested for DUI and that makes it more jail-worthy:

“Riley failed to inform his Utah probation officer about his felony arrest in Las Vegas,” confirmed an insider at the Third District Court in Utah.

“It was brought to our attention after The Enquirer article came out last week. In the state of Utah, DWI with an accident automatically enhances the charges. We also understand that a passenger was involved and injured, and if that’s true, the judge could send Mr. Giles to jail.

“I’ve seen probation violations far less than Mr. Giles’ offenses result in jail time.”

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, November 5, 2007]

I love when celebrities date no-name people who are con artists and/or have serious legal trouble. It brings a fresh wind of gossip to the otherwise limited and stale field of celebrity fuck ups.

Lindsay is legally obligated to serve just one day in jail by January 18, 2008, to pay her debt to society for the dangerous drunken car chase she undertook just months after another drunken car crash. Maybe she’ll lose her rehab boyfriend to jail since she doesn’t have to serve adequate time for her offenses. It only seems fitting, but will undoubtedly be far less painful to Lindsay than having to do the time herself.

Here’s Lohan and Giles not looking drunk or high or anything last night at Il Sole. Thanks to WENN for these pictures.

Lindsay Lohan’s new boyfriend, a 24 year-old snowboarder who rose to instant notoriety when squiring the drama queen around Sundance, Utah, had a fiance he unceremoniously dumped shortly after he started fooling around with Lohan.

Breanna Tierney told the National Enquirer that she met Lohan at an AA meeting she attended with her fiance, and that Lohan was overly nice to her and tried to suck up, complimenting her hair and clothing. She had lived with her fiance Riley Van Giles for three years at that point and was immediately suspicious of how fake nice Lohan was acting towards her.

Yesterday the NY Daily News reported that jilted fiance Bree’s mother told US Weekly that Riley broke up with her daughter using the old passive aggressive method of not returning her phone calls, but by Bree’s account it was worse than that. Riley texted her that he “needed a break” and eventually confessed that he’d screwed Lohan in one of the stairwells at rehab:

“I loved Riley and Lindsay stole him. I met her at a meeting while they were still patients at Cirque, and I just knew something was up.

“She came into the meeting with Riley, and she comes over and sits next to me, being overly nice. She was complimenting me on my hair and trying to be my friend. It didn’t seem sincere at all.

“A few days later, I get a text message from Riley telling me he wanted to ‘take a break.’ I knew instantly it was because of Lindsay.”

The distraught 22-year-old — who supported Riley through numerous busts and his struggle with drug addiction — says he got on one knee and proposed to her almost three years ago.

“I’ve stuck by Riley through the good and the bad,” Breanna told The ENQUIRER. “We lived together for three years and planned on being together forever.

“But when he finally confessed to me that he had sex with Lindsay in one of the stairwells at Cirque — that was it, we were done.”

[From The National Enquirer]

Plus Riley was so cheap that he gave Bree a cubic zirconia engagement ring and acted like it was a diamond. She brought it to the jeweler to replace some “diamonds” that had fallen out and was told it was a fake.

Meanwhile Lindsay and Riley have gone to In Touch to tell their version of the story, which is of course more favorable to Riley. They claim that Riley had broken up with Bree a week before they hooked up in rehab, and that he was never engaged to her. Riley claims he was only with Bree for two years, not three:

“We started out as friends,” explains Lindsay, who sat down for an exclusive interview with In Touch in Utah. “We met about two months ago while doing activities at Cirque. We both enjoyed rock climbing,” she says. Their romance started slowly, says Lindsay, 21. “We waited until we were both out of treatment because it made more sense.”

Riley, 25, a professional snowboarder who is remaining in Utah, had been dating a girl named Bree Tierney when he met Lindsay, but he denies that Lindsay caused their split. “I broke up with Bree a week before I started dating Lindsay,” he told In Touch. “We had dated for almost two years, but it’s not like we were engaged or anything.”

[From In Touch]

Lohan, who hasn’t been seen out at a bar or club in the week she’s been back in LA, says she’ll continue the long distance relationship that we’re all betting against, and that she’ll “probably go to Utah on a weekend and he will hopefully come to visit me in LA.”

And Riley wasn’t in rehab for nothing. Yesterday two mug shots of the guy were released. It turns out he has a rap sheet that includes forging prescriptions and DUI, for which he spent 10 days in jail. He’s perfect for Lindsay, and it’s so convincing when they join forces to lie to the tabloids. I give it two more months before he kicks Lohan to the curb, realizing that the fame and money just aren’t worth the hassle. That’s about as long as Harry Morton lasted, but he did get a lot of free publicity for his taco chain out of the deal. Maybe Riley will come away with a lucrative endorsement contract.

Note: The NY Daily News reported yesterday that Riley is 25, while The National Enquirer has his age at 24. It doesn’t make a big difference, I just wanted to point it out in case you noticed.

Lohan is shown leaving a dance studio carrying CDs on Tuesday in the image accessible below and after getting her hair done at Ken Pave’s salon in the header photo. Thanks to Splash News.

Thanks to The National Enquirer and In Touch for the two inset photos.

Lindsay Lohan’s snowboarding version of K-Fed, 25 year-old Riley Giles, was engaged to another woman before he hooked up with the slutty narcissistist in rehab. He never officially broke up with his fiance and just stopped calling her like a coward. The poor girl had to learn that her intended was no longer available by seeing photos of him in the magazines at the Walmart checkout line. To add insult to injury, he was out shopping with Lohan in the pictures, and he never did that with her.

Apparently, having a fiancée isn’t an impediment to dating Lindsay Lohan.

Pals say the recovering actress is smitten with her new beau, 25-year-old snowboarder Riley Giles. But so was the girl he was engaged to!

And poor Bree Tierney of Murray, Utah, found out he’d moved on from the tabloids.

“Riley just stopped calling Bree and never told her about Lindsay,” her mom, Tess, told Us Weekly. “She found out by seeing photos. It destroyed her.”

[From NY Daily News]

I made it up about the fiance being hurt by the shopping part, but it’s probably true. It takes a special kind of boyfriend to patiently accompany you to the mall while you try on outfits, and that Riley guy doesn’t strike me as the type who would shop with you unless there were significant free purchases in it for him. He’s been seen out with Lohan at the local mall in Sundance, Utah and you know she gave him access to her credit cards.

While Riley’s jilted fiance may feel the sting of losing him for a while, it’s doubtful Lohan will notice when he’s gone. She’s already back in LA to work on that tango movie and has been seen out an about with new extensions and no snowboarder boyfriend in sight. She was said to be considering a move to Utah permanently, but once she sees that the laws of supply and demand are more in her favor in LA, she’s unlikely to move back.

Here she is out last night with bad extensions and going to “work” thanks to WENN. That’s not the guy in question in the picture.

As much as I dislike Dina Lohan, I hate Michael Lohan a whole lot more. Both of Lindsay Lohan’s parents are obvious users and losers, and each one seems to excel at their own version of latching onto the kid and riding her coattails as far as possible. But why oh why can’t Michael Lohan ever keep his mouth shut? Dina Lohan manages to do nothing but talk about Lindsay nonstop, and yet she still doesn’t seem quite as opportunistic as her ex-husband.

So for no apparent reason, Michael Lohan has taken it upon himself to tell People magazine just how great Lindsay is doing. He’s also a big fan of her new boyfriend, who she met in rehab and is (according to Michael) moving to Utah to be closer to. Isn’t a big rule of AA not to have a new relationship for one year to focus on sobriety? Sounds like Lindsay’s really taking it all seriously. Though Lindsay Lohan without a boyfriend is like Paris Hilton without herpes – one just doesn’t make sense without the other.

“When Lindsay Lohan leaves Utah to finish filming Dare To Love Me in Los Angeles, she will have round-the-clock help staying sober, her dad said. To insure the 21-year-old actress continues her recovery from alcohol and drug abuse, a sober companion, trained to be with people overcoming addictions, will be with her, Michael Lohan told PEOPLE. On Oct. 5, Lohan left rehab at Utah’s Cirque Lodge Treatment Center, which helped the actress find the companion.

“‘Lindsay’s companion is really, really tough, and she’s really nice, she’s an amazing lady, a great influence on Lindsay’s life,’ the elder Lohan said before attending a family court hearing in Westbury, N.Y., concerning his youngest children Ali, 13, and Dakota, 11. He also talked about another part of her new life – beau Riley Giles, whom she met in rehab. ‘He’s a great, great kid,’ Lohan said. ‘If you met him, you’d like him.’

“Lohan does not know where his daughter will be staying in L.A., but after filming – slated to begin Oct. 15 – he expects her to come back to Utah to live, receive continued counseling and attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. ‘It looks like she may have already found a house,’ he said, noting that she currently stays in a rental near the lodge. And he’s definitely not concerned about reports of her going out at night to establishments that serve liquor. ‘She goes out, she goes out,’ he said. ‘She does the right thing.’”

[From People]

Um, alright Michael Lohan. You psycho. That sentence “She goes out, she goes out. She does the right thing” is kind of confusing, because he didn’t say “BUT” she does the right thing. Forgetting to add that makes it sound like he’s saying going out is the right thing, which I have to say it probably isn’t for someone in Lohan’s shoes. She should really try spending a little time alone, just her, a cat, and a good book. Isn’t that a funny image! Pretty soon she’d have the cat strung out on opiates while she danced around naked singing the flower drum song or something. Hopefully this sober companion will be on the lookout and keep Lohan away from any animals she may encounter, in addition to men. Really, why is Michael Lohan acting like this is a good thing? Isn’t he an addiction counselor himself now? It’s like if Lindsay Lohan does just half the things she should do, that’s enough for everyone. Let me remind you all, 50% is still an F. Which is also the grade I’m giving you as a parent.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Lindsay and her douchey looking boyfriend Riley Giles in Utah today. Images thanks to Splash Photos.