There’s trouble in paradise for Nicole Richie and baby daddy Joel Madden. Though to be fair, it doesn’t exactly sound like Nicole has considered her life to be like paradise for a while. Nonetheless, you’ve got to ask yourself, what kind of a trampy, trashy, harlot skank would come between a new father and the mother of his child? Why none other than Nicole Richie’s “supposed” good friend, Lindsay Lohan. Leave it to the Lohan to be the skankiest person in any given situation.

While Nicole Richie was home caring for her baby, her fiancé Joel Madden spent a boozy night partying with Lindsay Lohan. Needless to say, Nicole was crushed. The trouble started for the new mom after she decided to stay home with their 4-month-old daughter, Harlow, while Joel deejayed at Hornitos’ Cinco de Mayo party at Crown Bar in L.A. However, while there, the Good Charlotte rocker seemed more interested in a seductive Lindsay than in spinning records.

“Their heads were practically touching, and he had his leg over hers,” says one onlooker. “Joel has a flirtatious side, and he definitely wasn’t turning her away.” Nicole was immediately alerted to the situation by her arch-frenemy Paris Hilton, who sent her a devastating text message: Lindsay was all over Joel!

Making the situation worse, Nicole frantically tried to call Joel, but he wasn’t answering his phone. “He was so zeroed in on Lindsay, he never heard his cell ring,” a friend of the couple tells Star. “Nicole felt so incredibly helpless and upset that she threw her phone against the wall in a rage.”

[From Star]

It sounds like it could be friendly or somewhat innocent behavior on Joel’s part, but I never assume Lindsay Lohan has good intentions. That troll lives for drama. And what’s more dramatic than breaking up the relationship between your good friend – who just had a baby a few months ago – and her boyfriend? And what the hell else does Lohan have to do these days? Her career is nonexistent. She spends most of her days getting her hair done and making her body look orange. I don’t really like Nicole Richie, but I hope she throws a shit fit and bans Lohan from her life.

Here’s Amy Joel Madden and Benji Madden at Hornitos Tequila celebration of the ultimate ‘Cinco de Mayo’ experience at Crown Bar where the flirtation took place. Header of Joel and Nicole not looking too happy on May 9th. Images thanks to WENN.

If I ever had to go quasi-gay, I’d go for Lindsay Lohan. I realize that just last week I was calling for her to be banished to some island where cannibalism runs rampant, but I’ve been rethinking my ways. Why? Because when you date Lindsay Lohan and you get into a big fight with her, she flies you to Paris. And I never claimed to have morals.

You’d think Lindsay Lohan would be used to all the drama by now. But she was crying her eyes out the other night at the Crown Bar in West Hollywood, upset over a fight she had with her girlfriend Sam Ronson, who was deejaying. “They had a full-blown fight,” said our spy. “Evan Ross, Diana’s son, and Lauren Conrad comforted her while Lindsay kept wiping her tears.

[From Page Six]

A girl could reasonably worry that she’s lost the beautiful Samantha forever at this point. Luckily, LiLo has her charms. No, not her looks, or that Clay Aiken-esq smile of hers. Certainly not her charm, and definitely not her personality. But LiLo does have a little bit of cash, depending on who you believe. And what better way to smooth things out than to fly your girlfriend to Paris and say you’re sorry over a buttered croissant?

After a fun-filled weekend of modeling and partying in her leggings, Lindsay Lohan jetted off to Paris with Samantha for a little shopping and bakery hopping. Things seem to be fine with these two in BFFland, even though they had a little dispute last week that left LL in tears. Luckily the starlet still has a few things to help dry her eyes, like gearing up for her new album. Apparently she’s going to break it down with Ryan Seacrest once it’s all finished, and the American Idol host is already a fan of what he’s heard so far. Between Lindsay’s music and Dina’s reality show, it looks like we’re all in for a very Lohan Summer.

[From PopSugar]

I bet you anything, the fight that left Lohan in tears was over her new album. Like how much it must blow. As a well-respected DJ, certainly Samantha Ronson couldn’t lie to LiLo’s face about her suckitude, right? Several sites are hosting what’s said to be LiLo’s first single, Bossy, and by pretty much all accounts it blows. Well, unless you talk to kiss-ass Ryan Seacrest.

“I’ve heard some of it, I like what I’ve heard so far,” Seacrest told PEOPLE backstage at KIIS-FM’s annual Wango Tango concert in Irvine, Calif., on Saturday. Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers performed at the show.

“Lindsay is taking it very seriously,” said Seacrest, 33. “She’s working really hard. She’s working with great producers.”

The host added, “She’s told me that she’s going to come in and debut the entire record with me on my KIIS-FM [radio show]. We’re going to play some of the songs, and go through the whole thing together.”

[From People]

I’ve got to say, I really trust what Ryan Seacrest has to say in this case. I mean the man is known for nothing if not his critical thinking skills. Never does he pander. I’m sure if Seacrest gives it the go-ahead, Lohan’s album will be platinum within the first week. Although I’m also pretty sure she just offered to fly him to Paris to get what she wants. It seems to be working pretty well for her.

Picture note by Celebitchy: Lindsay Lohan is shown below last night at the Fornarina fashion show party at the Carroussel du Louvre in Paris. I’m pretty sure she’s not even trying to dress herself at this point and assumes her adoring fans will wear the same sweat-stained leggings she does every day of her life. Her girlfriend Samantha Ronson is shown outside of Louis Vuitton and hitting the tourist spots with her yesterday. Thanks to Splash News.

Here at Celebitchy, we laughed our asses off at Dina Lohan being named a Top Mom by some Long Island housewife association. Apparently, Michael Lohan doesn’t share our sense of humor- in fact, the whole thing has him pissed off and ranting to the media, talking trash about his ex-wife and her mothering skills. Oh yeah, he went there.

Michael fumed, “Are you kidding! Top celebrity mom? Look at her off-screen antics, her lack of morals and how she conducts herself. I guess they forgot to mention how this top super-mom leaves her kids alone at night and even parties in their presence. Just wait until we go back to court.

“She comes stumbling out of Butter at 3:15 a.m. with bloodshot eyes and a red runny nose, yelling ‘Oh, [bleep],’ when she saw the paparazzi,” Michael raged to Page Six.

He also ranted that his ex missed their weekly family therapy appointment in order to attend the award ceremony Tuesday night in Bethpage, LI.

But Dina responded to Michael’s remarks by calling him “infantile.”

“He’s a loose cannon,” she declared. “We speak to a therapist once a week and I’m not required to be there. My kids want me there, so I go. Obviously with our [TV] show and the event, [daughter] Ali and I reschedule.

“I’ve allowed him visitation once a week, so I don’t understand why he’s doing this. He’s jealous that I got the award. He even called the organizers and tried to talk them out of giving it to me.”

[From Page Six]

In typical Dina Lohan fashion, she goes on to say that the last time their rapidly aging starlet daughter Lindsay was in town, she had to hire extra security to keep her father at arm’s length, and that she believes Michael will violate the restraining order she has on him. Notice that she never directly addresses his claims about her bad parenting- instead, she deflects that and paints herself as a victim. You see where Blohan learned that shit? As for Michael, everyone knows he’s just seething with jealousy over the media attention his ex-wife gets. From the accounts I’ve read, his parenting is just as questionable. If ANY of the Lohan kids make it to adulthood without a criminal record, a sex tape, or an addiction of some kind, it will be a miracle.

Note by Celebitchy: Michael Lohan is shown with his girlfriend, who looks a little like his daughter when she was pretty, outside the Waverly Inn on 3/10/08. Thanks to WENN.

Lindsay Lohan is a grade-A bitch. I realize that’s been her status for a while now, but I’m making it official. I went down to the Bitch Patent Office and filed an application on her behalf – and they sent me through the emergency “speedy” line. Who says bureaucracy can’t work when you need it to?

Lindsay’s ridiculous sense of entitlement has long involved breaking the law. When she’s angry at someone, she steals a car and races through the streets of Los Angeles terrorizing them. When she gets into a fight with a former friend, she steals $10,000 worth of their clothing – and then texts messages the girl to tell her she’s fat. And when she just flat-out wants a stranger’s $11,000 blond mink coat that your grandma gave you – she’ll steal it from the coat check. Because Lindsay’s entitled to any and everything she wants, right?

A Columbia co-ed wants to know how Lindsay Lohan ended up wearing her $11,000 blond mink coat – and is demanding the “Mean Girl” pay for the impromptu rental. Masha Markova, 22, believed she had forever lost the prized jacket – a gift from her grandmother – while attending a private birthday party at 1Oak in the Meatpacking District in the early-morning hours of Jan. 26. The club was closed for a friend of jet-setting playboy Stavros Niarchos, Markova said.

She added that at one point, she was seated next to Lohan, and recalled putting the mink in a common bin with other jackets. It was gone when she prepared to leave 1Oak after an hour, Markova said. Two weeks later, Markova flipped through the Feb. 11 edition of OK! Magazine and couldn’t believe her eyes – Lohan was photographed the night of Jan. 26 wearing the very same fur coat. “I was actually talking on the phone to my grandmother about something else, and then I flipped through the magazine, saw the picture said, ‘I need to call you back,’ ” Markova told The Post yesterday.

“It was my coat. It was no doubt!” The pretty co-ed said that in the ensuing days, she surfed the Internet and found several paparazzi photos of Lohan wearing the distinctive blond coat hours after the birthday party they had both attended. Also, celebrity blogs posted pictures of the actress party-hopping that night – wearing a black coat before she arrived at 1Oak, Markova said.

[From the New York Post]

Markova contacted the owners of 1Oak, who promised her they’d “get to the bottom of it.” Of course she never heard back from them, so Markova had to get a lawyer, who called Lindsay’s lawyer and threatened to sue if the coat wasn’t returned. Miraculously, several hours later the people from 10ak called Markova back, saying, “’We’re going to bring you something.’”

Markova noted that they were very discreet and didn’t mention any names or even say the word “coat.” Two days later, the coat arrived at her apartment – reeking of Lohan stank. That’s right, cigarettes and booze. Though if you ask me what Lohan stank probably actually smells like, I’d have to add in there something about the smell of bodily fluids or something. I’m sure the girl doesn’t limit her sleaziness to cigarettes.

Now Masha Markova wants Lohan to pay at least $10,000 for the unauthorized “rental.” I still think she should pursue some kind of legal action, but I’m guessing it’d likely be a case of “she said/stank said.” It’s pretty clear that Lohan saw something she wanted and just took it. I’m guessing 10ak was involved in some way, since they actually returned the jacket. But it’s obviously Lindsay knew she was taking someone else’s very expensive possession. And while I’m rabidly anti-fur, I will admit that’s a beautiful jacket, as wearing the carcasses of innocent animals goes.

I keep wondering when Lindsay Lohan is going to learn her lesson? I’m sure maturity and intelligence will never grace her with their presence – but maybe some sort of incarceration or some such thing will.

Here’s Lohan wearing the coat in question in New York on January 26th. Images thanks to Splash.

Lindsay Lohan stars in the universally-panned Chapter 27 as a fictional girl next door character who inexplicably befriends John Lennon’s assassin, Mark David Chapman, in the days before the obsessed fan shot the beloved musician in 1980 outside his NY apartment. The real Chapman has been in Attica State Prison since 1981 and has become an evangelical Christian. He is serving 20 years to life and says if he ever gets out he wants to travel around and preach the word of God. He seems to have another obsession in jail, too, and is said to have photos of Lohan all over his cell. He’s also been asking for permission to write Lohan and to have her visit him:

The man who killed late BEATLE JOHN LENNON has reportedly become obsessed with actress LINDSAY LOHAN – turning his cell into a shrine to the star.

Mark David Chapman, who has already served 27 years in jail for assassinating Lennon in 1980, has allegedly begged the Mean Girls star to visit him at Attica State Prison, New York.

The murderer has pictures of the troubled star, who plays his girlfriend Jude in the movie Chapter 27, plastered all over his walls at the prison, according to Ireland’s Sunday World newspaper.

A source at the prison tells the publication, “He has been pleading with the authorities to let him write to her and visit him. “He’s been turned down flat, but he won’t give up.”

Chapman, 52, who was diagnosed as psychotic and denied parole four times, is still considered so dangerous and at risk from other inmates, he is confined to a special unit at Attica.

[WENN via Hollywood.TV]

That’s super creepy and at least the guy is in jail and can’t do her any harm. Chapman isn’t the only inmate to have a thing for 21 year-old addict Lindsay. While her father was serving time for multiple charges he was said to have asked his fellow criminals to take photos of his daughter down from their lockers because it offended him. You can see how Lindsay would appeal to prisoners, since she seems to have a lot in common with the type of women they normally date.

That header is the real mugshot of Mark David Chapman, thanks to Wikipedia. Jared Leto sure got his look down for the part in Chapter 27, but it couldn’t make up for his acting or the bad script.

Lindsay Lohan’s father sure must love living in his little fantasy world. The crazy stories he tells about his awesome family often make you wonder who he’s really talking about. Whenever he rambles on about the wonderful things eldest child Lindsay is going to do (that never come to fruition) you can’t help but worry he’s been hit over the head with a brick or something.

According to Michael Lohan – who’s one of those types that seems to think that saying something makes it true – Lindsay is going on a mission. No, not like a mission to find a great pair of boots. An old school, Christian mission. Michael claims that Lindsay has signed up with Times Square Church Missions, and will be shipping out with him in February for the good of others.

Lindsay Lohan may soon be volunteering her time — and it’s not part of her parole. According to Lindsay’s dad, the recovering party girl has signed up to do missionary work with Times Square Church Missions. “She has made it clear she definitely wants to come along,” Michael Lohan tells In Touch of their plans. “Our trip next February encompasses the issue of child sexual slavery in India. We also deal with helping AIDS victims.” Michael, an ex-con-turned-youth minister, says that Lindsay, 21, is also considering other international missions. “Lindsay’s very spiritual. She has a wonderful heart, loves people and is very charitable,” Michael tells In Touch.

[From In Touch]

First off, I want to say that sounds like an amazing mission. I would love to do something like that. But there’s no chance in hell Lindsay Lohan is getting off her pretty little ass to do something good for someone else – especially when it involves that much effort.

Come on – it’s 10 months away. I’d agree to do just about anything if it seemed that far away. Run a marathon? Alright. Move to New Zealand? Okay. Tame a wild bear? Fine, no problem. Because it’s so far off, you know it’s never going to happen. Just today I agreed to go jogging with my roommate early every morning when her job ends next month. Is this ever going to happen? No. But you think it’s a cool idea at the time, and you know it’s something you should do. But if the same question were posed but it had to happen right now, you’d give a totally different answer. I give my word in this very public forum: if Lindsay Lohan goes on a charitable mission, I WILL tame a wild bear.

Update: Lindsay’s rep has denied that she’s going on any mission trip. I can’t help but wonder if she’s denying that Lindsay ever agreed to it, or that Michael ever said it. Something tells me that due to Michael’s penchant for publicity, he still said it.

LINDSAY LOHAN has laughed off her father MICHAEL’s claims she is planning to work as a missionary in India. Born again-Christian Michael told a U.S. tabloid the star was eager to join him on a trip to the country next February (09) with New York’s Times Square Church Missions. But Lohan Jr. has shot down the claims, with her representative telling the New York Daily News, “Per Lindsay, this isn’t true.”

[From Hollywood.tv]

Actor Rupert Grint, 19, best known for playing Harry Potter’s sidekick Ron Weasley, is growing up to be a hot and very outspoken young man. He is quoted as saying that he met Lindsay Lohan and that she came off as narcissistic. He says Lindsay told him she was going to win an Oscar by 25, but that he thought “you can’t act.” As for Paris Hilton, he says he hasn’t met her and that he doesn’t really want to:

The Harry Potter actor revealed that he met Lohan last year in America and that she bored him by talking about herself all the time.

Grint added that he didn’t want to meet Hilton because she was the sort of girl you should “stay away from”.

He told The Sun: “I met Lindsay last summer and she talked about herself a lot.

“She said she was going to win an Oscar before she turns 25. I just kept thinking, ‘But you can’t act’.

“I haven’t met Paris and don’t want to either. She and Lindsay are the type of girls you need to stay away from.”

[From Digital Spy via Gossip Rocks]

I knew there was a reason I liked this kid. He comes across like he has a sense of humor and isn’t afraid to speak his mind. I’ve read interviews with Lohan and have reached the same conclusion about her – she loves to hear herself talk and it’s all about her grand plans for life. Meanwhile she’s still drinking and partying her days away. At least people are still willing to take her picture.

I see great things in Mr. Grint’s future and maybe he will go on to win an Oscar himself. He has plenty of time, unlike other rapidly-aging former child stars.

Rupert is shown at the National Movie Awards on 9/28/07 and at FAO Schwartz for a Harry Potter store opening on 7/13/07, thanks to PRPhotos.

Lindsay has been photographed all over LA with her maybe-lesbian lover, DJ Samanthan Ronson. Now, sources are saying that Samantha, that bastion of sobriety, is living with Lohan to keep her away from drugs and alcohol. Oh, sure, that’s the reason. It has nothing to do with the fact that these two are totally lovers or anything.

Will Britney Spears’ lock-down tactics work for the rehabbed Lindsay Lohan? Page Six hears that Lohan’s best friend, Sam Ronson, has “practically moved in” with the actress at her Los Angeles pad. “Sam still has her own place,” said our source, “but she spends every night at Lindsay’s” in an effort to keep the wild child out of trouble. It’s a good thing Lohan has friends like Ronson. Unlike Spears, whose dad is keeping a tight grip on her life, Lohan’s parents, Dina and Michael, are even wackier than she is.

[From Page Six]

I don’t think there is a single person in Lohan’s life who is stable and sober- and that includes Ronson. Let’s not forget that Ronson was the one clubbing with Lohan during her infamous hit and run DUI, and it was Ronson sitting next to her in the car in those Memorial Day Weekend drunken photographs of Lohan- featuring my favorite photo ever of the starlet, smashed out of her mind with her mouth hanging open in the front seat of her car. Lohan has said many times in interviews that she is afraid of being alone at night, so Ronson is definitely filling a need there. But as for serving as a sober companion? No frickin’ way!

Lindsay and Sam are shown hanging out outside the DCMA store on 4/11/08, thanks to WENN.

Well the Lohan family is back to not getting along, slamming each other in the press, and the traditional suing of former partners. Just like a family should be. For a little while, the crazy bunch seemed to have made some sort of amends with each other. Lindsay’s dad Michael visited her in rehab and supposedly the two reconciled. From then on, Michael – a born-again Christian, ex-con, and rehab counselor – and Dina stopped slamming each other quite so hard in the press. Michael said he was excited for Dina’s new, presumably crap reality show on E! “Living Lohan.”

Now everyone’s back to fighting again, all because Lindsay – and her siblings – haven’t bothered to see their injured grandmother since she got in a serious car accident on Easter.

“I gave her [Dina Lohan] the family house, all the furniture and the $200,000 she owed me just so that I could see my kids and have a relationship with them,” Lohan told The News. “But after I gave her everything she wanted, she made it hard as hell for me to see my children. Even though my father is dying and my mother was in a car accident on Easter, my parents still haven’t seen my children.

“[Dina] told me, ‘It’s up to the kids if they want to see their grandparents.’ But she’s made no effort to put them in touch or make this happen. That is the bottom line. My mother, Marilyn Lohan, was medevacked by helicopter to the hospital on Easter Sunday after hitting a telephone poll and tree. Thank God, she’s okay, but the car was totaled. Every window blew out.

“My father went into heart failure again yesterday – and yet not one of the kids has seen him.” Michael says he’s also suing his ex over her upcoming reality show, “Living Lohan,” slotted to air this summer on the E! channel. “It’s the exact same show I pitched. She even used my title.” The born-again Christian, who works as a rehab counselor on Long Island, concludes:”I would never get back together with her. She’s bent on an evil path.”

[From The Daily News]

Dina Lohan bent on an evil path? Orange Oprah? No way. That woman has nothing but her children’s best interests at heart. Wow, I laughed so hard typing that I thought I was going to knock the computer over. It seems like the worse her parents get, the more Lindsay drinks and shoots and snorts. And unfortunately for Michael Lohan, Dina can’t make Lindsay see her grandma, as she’s no longer a minor.

After Dina started blabbing to the press about her “Living Lohan” show, Michael – seemingly jealous of the attention – started blabbing to the press about just how happy he was for Dina and younger daughter Ali, who will also star in the show. He told everyone just how much he was filled with positive, loving, happy thoughts for them. Now it’s back to lawsuits. Something tells me season two of “Living Lohan” will involve all three Lohan children sharing a room at a rehab facility.

Here’s Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson having a laugh- and Lindsay holding a suspicious bottle – as they get in a car after leaving Foxtail restaurant on Thursday. Images thanks to WENN.

Either Lindsay Lohan is the easiest person in the world to hit with bogus lawsuits, or the girl is seriously irresponsible. Something tells me it’s the latter. To add to the long list of Lohan lawsuits (I think it was running in the dozens at last check) LiLo has just been sued by a former bodyguard for nonpayment, along with breach of oral contract, intentional infliction of emotional distress, and a variety of California state labor code violations by her former bodyguard David Kim. Kim only worked for Lohan for five months, but in that time it appears the actress did a lot of damage. He eventually quit when Lohan still wouldn’t pay him.

Kim claims he was hired by Lohan and her production company, Crossheart Productions, back in October 2006 at a going rate of either $4,000 a week for around-the-clock services, or $2,800 a week for the night(club) shift. In court papers, Kim claims he not only provided protection from pesky fans and even peskier paparazzi, he also served as an on-call chauffeur for Lohan and her friends and helped her secure VIP tables at concerts and clubs.

He further asserts that his chivalrous door-to-door driving services set him back $10,000 out of his own pocket for mileage incurred, valet tips issued and related expenses. A portion of the sum, roughly $1,470, stems from a November 2006 smashup when Lohan’s driver made an illegal right turn to avoid paparazzi and hit Kim’s trailing vehicle.

[From E! News]

Lohan claims that Kim was never employed by her, and that she doesn’t even know him. I guess it’s possible that Kim is some crazy guy that followed her around pretending to be her bodyguard. But considering all the horrible things Lindsay Lohan has done (ahem, stealing thousands of dollars in clothes from ex-friends, road raging through the streets of Los Angeles after her former assistant) it seems like that’s probably just one of her bullshit excuses, probably in an attempt to belittle David Kim.

It seems like Kim probably has a case – but to be fair, he couldn’t have been very good at his job. Hello, he was Lindsay Lohan’s chauffeur? How many DUIs has she gotten? I’m joking. But clearly Lindsay should have availed herself of Kim’s chauffeuring services a little more. Oh, and probably paid the man.

Here’s Lindsay leaving Fred Segal on Melrose Avenue with her friend Patrick. At least she’s not driving. Images thanks to WENN.