Occasionally, I have myself a good long cackle when a celeb I can’t stand experiences flat-out failure. These moments include Paris Hilton’s legendary movie flop, Sanjaya’s fade into obscurity, and now a phenomenon that is quickly being named “Lohan fatigue.” It started with the unintentional comedy that was “I Know Who Killed Me,” and has culminated with the low ratings of Lindsay’s appearance on the hit ABC comedy “Ugly Betty.” Ratings for the show’s season finale were down over last year’s season finale, according to Nielsen.

Lindsay Lohan’s buzzed-about appearance as a Mean Girl from Betty’s past on Thursday’s season finale of Ugly Betty didn’t do much for the acclaimed ABC comedy, ratings-wise. The finale attracted about 8.8 million viewers, up only about 300,000 from the prior week’s episode yet down 16.2 percent from the Golden Globe winner’s 2007 finale.

Betty’s viewership was good enough for 17th place in the Nielsens, however, in what was another finale-laden week in a writers’ strike-stunted season. But Britney’s comeback turn on How I Met Your Mother still holds the title for show most helped by a reformed trainwreck.

[From E!Online]

But it doesn’t stop there. E! won’t admit this, of course, but the uber-repulsive Dina and Ali Lohan reality show, “Living Lohan,” isn’t exactly raking in the viewers either. In fact, the show was watched even less than its equally vomitrocious counterpart, “Denise Richards: It’s Complicated.” Damn - more hated that Denise Richards!

Denise Richards has won the E! reality series premiere showdown!

Denise Richards: It’s Complicated grabbed 1.5 million total viewers, while Living Lohan drew in 1.45 million total viewers.

Both shows launched back-to-back on Monday.

[From Buzz Sugar]

Let’s compare that to the season finale of ABC’s “Lost,” which drew in 12.2 million viewers. Fox’s mid-season replacement reality show, “So You Think You Can Dance,” had 9.3 million viewers. Even A&E’s crappy miniseries remake of the sci-fi classic “The Andromeda Stain” had more viewers-2.7 million- and that was with considerably less promotion.

What does this mean? I’d like to think it means that TV viewers are officially over the Lohans and want them off our TV and movies screens ASAP. But I could be wrong. Maybe everyone was just busy that night.

Lohan is shown walking to her car on 5/31/08, thanks to WENN.

According to Page Six, Lindsay Lohan is doing her very best to avoid her crazed father Michael. In fact after he found out what hotel she was staying in while visiting Manhattan, he camped out in the lobby waiting for her to return. LiLo checked out early – after less than a day – in an attempt to avoid the crazed born-again wing nut.

It takes a lot to separate Lindsay Lohan from her constant companion, Samantha Ronson - but if anyone can do it, it’s her obsessive father, Michael Lohan.

Wednesday night, Michael showed up at the Peninsula Hotel, where Ronson was deejaying a men.style.com party. “Michael found out where Lindsay was going to be and went to find her,” a source said. “She was really freaked out by it because she has no interest in seeing her father.”

Hotel spies say Lindsay checked in with Ronson on Tuesday, but by Wednesday afternoon, before the party started, she had cleared out, possibly after learning her father was on his way.

“Michael was staking out the lobby and waiting for Lindsay to make an appearance,” said our source. “It was freaky. He was sitting on the steps and texting like mad, and looking very upset that she hadn’t arrived.”

[From Page Six]

Michael, of course, issued a rebuttal, using his new “blogging rights” on OK Magazine’s website. Instead of just saying, “No, that wasn’t what I was doing,” or explaining why he was doing it, he goes off on some long-winded slam against ex Dina Lohan. Now I hate Dina as much as the next person. But it’s pretty clear that Michael is obsessed with her since he can’t stop talking about her, and making the same old complaints again and again.

“This morning’s article was nothing more than Dina, who planted the story by using sources and so-called friends — all because I’m taking her to court and she wants me to look bad before everyone finds out what her and her family are all about.

“Dina is getting such bad press for her show [Living Lohan on E!] that she is trying to pass it off on me. She does this time and time again, and in each instance, when I talk to Lindsay, she says, ‘Dad, I never said that or did that!’

“Dina is manipulative, deceptive and devious, just like her immoral family. If she isn’t trying to manipulate our children, she has other people make statements for her just like she has done in this latest article.

“Her show should be called Living SULLIVAN [Dina’s Maiden Name] and not Living LOHAN because a LOHAN would never do what her or her family does.

[From OK Magazine]

In case you were sitting around wondering, Michael Lohan is not smart enough to understand the difference between using “her” and “she.” I know, shocking that a Lohan can’t attain a basic level of intellect.

Michael is right though: how dare Dina sully the good Lohan family name? A name of such valiant honor. I remember this one time, a Lohan beat up his brother-in-law who was a Sullivan, and ended up going to prison for two-and-a-half years because he violated his probation (for a DUI). What prestige, the Lohan name!

Seriously, I don’t think Lindsay Lohan is capable of healthy or intelligent decisions. But staying the hell away from her dad is definitely one of the smarter things she’s done in awhile.

Here’s Michael Lohan leaving the Lindsay Lohan Photo Exhibition inspired by her tattoos in Manhattan on March 6th. Because that’s not creepy at all. Heads up: supposedly this is Michael’s sex face. Images thanks to WENN.

Michael Lohan sure is managing to steal a lot of attention away from Dina, especially considering this week is the premiere of her new crap-ass show Living Lohan. The Lohans have a very Charlie Sheen/Denise Richards relationship. You’re constantly trying to figure out who you hate more, and who’s the bigger liar. Although to Dina Lohan’s credit, I’ve never heard any insinuations that she used to be a prostitute. Oops.

Dina is all over the talk shows this week, trying to pimp her new show/defend her parental pimping. It’s not going so well. While you could argue that any publicity is good publicity, that’s not really the case when Dina Lohan touches something. Dina has furiously been denying that daughter Lindsay and Samantha Ronson are anything other than really good friends, despite their constant lip locks. However Michael was a little more realistic – at least for about eight minutes – and told Us Weekly that it’s obvious the two are in a relationship.

Michael Lohan isn’t playing dumb when it comes to his daughter Lindsay’s close relationship with deejay Samantha Ronson. Days after photos of them nuzzling necks in Cannes, France, surfaced, he tells Usmagazine.com in an e-mail their relationship “is evident to anyone with half a brain.”

Still, he adds, “Just like the [topless] Marilyn Monroe spread, Linds is my daughter and there are just some things a father doesn’t want to see or hear, regardless of whether they are true or false.” His daughter, 21, “is a big girl, and she can make her own life choices. Then it is between her and God.”

Michael — who volunteers for a Christian-based rehab organization — couldn’t help but take a swipe at his ex Dina (who just debuted her new E! reality show). “Maybe her mother’s life revolves around the tabloids and reports, but mine doesn’t,” Michael says. “I am into setting a good example and doing good things that don’t deceive or exploit my kids.

[From Us Weekly]

I think I’d be able to take what Michael Lohan says a little more seriously if he’d stop promoting how wonderful he is. If he just responded without sounding like he’s trying to sell himself, I might not want to slap him quite so hard.

Us Weekly and OK magazine are in some kind of feud. OK is reporting not just that Michael never made those comments, but that Us made them up, “In a desperate attempt to gain readers.” Oooohhh, snap OK. They claim to have a real interview with Michael, in which he denies ever acknowledging Lindsay’s gaiety. Yes I used that word that way on purpose. I’ve decided that’s how we describe Lindsay’s convenient level of gayness.

“I never said anything like this,” Michael explains. “I’ve never even looked at the pictures of Linds and Sam, so how can I comment on this?”

Referring to his daughter’s recent revealing pictorial in New York Magazine, he continues, “Just like the Marilyn Monroe pics, I’ve never looked at these photos either. This is just another way of some evil person spreading a vicious rumor to try to hurt my relationship with my daughter Lindsay.”

[From OK]

That’s coincidental, since Michael (or someone posing as Michael) referenced the Marilyn Monroe pictures in the Us Weekly article. I don’t see how admitting his daughter is in a lesbian relationship would hurt his own relationship with Lindsay. Considering how self-righteous her father is, it might relieve her that she could talk openly and honestly with him about it. It’s clear to everyone with eyes that Lindsay and Samantha are in a relationship. And frankly it might be one of the better decisions Lindsay’s made in a while.

Here’s Lindsay and Samantha carrying groceries back to Samantha’s house in Los Angeles on May 16th. Images thanks to WENN.

I love when good ‘ol Mom and Pop Lohan start bashing each other, because it’s guaranteed to be an orgy of hypocrisy. And who doesn’t relish that? The funkier looking Lohan’s (that’s Dina… it took me a while to decide who was funkier looking, but Dina’s mouth takes the cake) ass-tastic show Living Lohan premiered on E! last night.

And just because they like to stir the shit, OK Magazine thought it would be kind to give Michael Lohan a screener and ask for his thoughts. Now we know Michael is usually pretty reticent about judging and telling people how to live, since he’s an out and proud born-again Christian. But he made an exception for OK, and shared a few restrained opinions in an email with them.

Soooooo, you want a comment on the first episode of Living Lohan? Well, let’s see… If I were to look at things from a wordly perspective, I would probably have a lot to say about exploitation, hypocrisy and even deception — and maybe at a later date, I might just do so. For now, let’s just say I’m still trying to figure out if this show is about managing Ali’s career and being a “real” mother, or reading tabloids.

I’ve had a sneak peek at some future episodes and I will say that some of the people Dina surrounds the kids with still concerns me — again, I can address that when they appear on the show. I just hope Dina takes the high road — like a Lohan would — and rights these wrongs.

If this show is about the being a mother and a manager, the most important thing is to set a good example by instilling positive values, and doing what’s right for the kid’s sake. Not for our own! I wish Ali, Cody and Dina the best on the show and pray that they get what they want out of it.

[From OK Magazine]

I love all the “you suck, you’re terrible, you’re doing the wrong thing,” blah blah blahness, followed by, “I hope it makes you happy!” Because I’m totally sure Michael really does. Ending an otherwise critical email with a bland, generic catchall positive quote doesn’t exactly negate the other seven (really long) sentences.

Dina’s been out doing a ton of hypocritical press, so Michael’s thoughts on her aren’t exactly novel. If nothing else, Living Lohan is a great way to make sure that Dina never regains a shred of dignity or credibility, and ensures that her younger kids will never have successful careers of their own. But hey, Lindsay is doing so well, I’m sure they can all just live off her. Michael included, of course.

Micheal Lohan is shown on 3/6/08 “leaving the Lindsay Lohan Photo Exhibition inspired by her tattoos” thanks to WENN.

Lindsay “pay attention to meeee” Lohan was seen out at Cannes wearing what looked like an obvious engagement ring on her left hand. This isn’t the first piece of jewelry she’s flaunted that suggests her very close relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson is more than just a friendship. She wore an initial ring with “SR” on it, much like Paris and Benji’s initial rings for each other, in March.

Although I thought Lohan was already staying with Ronson, The NY Post says they’ve made it official and are now living together. There’s also a rumor which may have originated on a Lindsay Lohan fan site that “tabloids are now offering Lohan a huge amount of cash if she’ll come out as a lesbian to them exclusively.” [via ONTD] Maybe Lindsay was trying to spark a bidding war for her story by kissing and holding hands with Samantha in Cannes. She could definitely use the money for a reckless shopping spree.

And Lohan was spotted lip synching her own song, Bossy, while out at a bar in LA, according to the National Enquirer:

LINDSAY LOHAN is her own biggest fan. At Crown Bar on May 14, the “Mean Girls” star was sipping Red Bull and vodka when her dee-jay gal pal SAMANTHA RONSON played her new song “Bossy,” sending Linds into a frenzy.

She jumped onto a couch and started to dance and lip-sync, while other club-goers just stared and laughed. They’re laughing AT you, Lindsay - not WITH you.

[From The National Enquirer’s website]

Ronson must really love Lohan if she’s willing to put her DJing cred at stake by playing that piece of crap.

Header photo from WENN taken on 5/23/08. The other image is from the party on Diddy’s yacht, taken on 5/22/08, thanks to WENN. Lindsay Lohan engagement ring story idea from Perez Hilton via Gossip Rocks.

Lindsay Lohan and her live-in girlfriend, DJ Samantha Ronson, held hands at Diddy’s annual Yacht party at Cannes. There are also photos that supposedly show them kissing, although it’s hard to tell. Lindsay was dressed like a dime store hooker in a gold foil print dress with a short ruffled skirt and gold pumps, but there was no question who she was with at the party. Good for her for being public with her same sex relationship, but you can’t help but think she’s doing it for the publicity too. Last year she brought her then-boyfriend, Pink Taco founder Harry Morton, to Cannes. There are obvious jokes to be made here which I will refrain from.

Lindsay’s mom Dina insists that her daughter’s relationship with Sam is purely platonic, though. She says “They’re best friends. They’re just friends. It’s pathetic what people say.”

Women hold hands all the time and it doesn’t mean anything. There’s something possessive about the way Sam is holding Lindsay’s hand, though. It looks like these two patched up whatever problems they were having after their romantic trip to Paris and now the French Riviera. Must be nice to take so many vacations.

Thanks to Splash for these photos.

14 year-old Ali Lohan was on David Letterman last night to promote her new reality show “Living Lohan.” She was cute, well spoken and comfortable on stage although she did wear a lot of makeup for a 14 year-old. She said they’re doing the show “to set the record straight and we’re not just this crazy family, crazy people like to tabloids make us out to be.” She said “we’re just a normal family like any other family in America.”

Dave asked Ali if she was close with Lindsay, and she said “she’s like my best friend.” She refused to say whether Lindsay would make an appearance on the show and said “you’ll have to watch.”

Ali called herself a “singer and actress” and said she’s working on her latest album this summer.

Dave asked Ali if she visits her sister on set, and she said she’s always done that, and “that’s what inspired me to do what she does.” She said when she was three she used to run up to her sister on set when she was filming “Parent Trap” and they had to do a lot of takes because she was always interrupting.

Ali talked about her five dogs, including a puppy that’s a “micro mini Maltese.” They showed what they said was the dog in the green room, but it was just a computer-generated image to make her dog look tiny. Ali said her little Maltese, Buddy, has low blood sugar.

Dave said “getting back to the show will there be a lot of drama, a lot of tension, a lot of fighting, a lto of intrigue?” and Ali said “Yeah, we’re just like a normal family so whatever.”

At the end of the interview, Dave closed by saying “Lindsay Lohan” everyone, and then corrected himself. It seemed to me like it was a mistake and not a planned joke. It’s a telling slip, considering how much Ali says she wants to be like her sister. Maybe Ali can pick up Lindsay’s career where she dropped it on the floor when she got distracted by vodka and overpriced purses.

The videos are below and there’s also one of an Access Hollywood interview with Dina and Ali. Dina Lohan is a piece of work and it’s surprising how normal Ali seems.

Here’s the part where Dave calls Ali “Lindsay”

And here’s the full interview:

And an interview on “Showbiz Tonight” with Ali and Dina Lohan. Dina sure seems defensive and snotty.

Those Lohan women really have it rough. Lindsay’s getting sued right and left, Dina’s reality show Living Lohan is being widely panned (and by that I mean I’m assuming it’s going to suck so let’s just go ahead and say that) and Ali, the littlest Lohan girl (yet oddly the oldest looking of the three) is being mocked at school.

“A little while ago … a couple of girls in school made up a video of me and put it up on YouTube,” Ali – whose E! reality show, Living Lohan with manager-mom Dina, debuts on Memorial Day – tells PEOPLE exclusively. “They used disgusting words. Like if my mom ever heard me say that stuff, I’d be grounded for life! … They’re disgusting kids. I got really aggravated.”

School authorities were notified, the 14-year-old adds, “and [the students] got suspended.” Such problems are a thing of the past, now that the eighth-grader is being home-schooled (to accommodate her work and travel schedule). “You learn so much more – it’s just hard to focus when girls are giving you problems,” she says. “No one’s talking about you behind your back. It’s definitely easier.”

She may have a famous sister – and a burgeoning career of her own – but, Ali says, that’s not what makes her a target. “I don’t think it’s just because of my sister and who she is,” she insists. “I think it happens to all the other girls out there, because girls are just mean. It doesn’t happen with guys. When I asked [my little brother] Cody, he was like, ‘No, Guys don’t care!’ “

[From People]

Though I’m not inclined to be sympathetic towards any Lohan, simply as a matter of principle, being a teenager can’t be fun these days. There are so many more public ways to be mocked. When I was a senior in high school, two former friends wrote mean things about me in all the bathrooms. Yeah, classic. Unfortunately they were things that implied I was slutty – and they wrote them in the women’s restrooms. Yeah they weren’t the smartest girls, to say the least. I can only imagine how much it can suck to be a teenager now. Between MySpace and YouTube, you can really get hammered.

Obviously Ali Lohan would be a pretty big target. I’m sure being Lindsay Lohan’s little sister doesn’t help things, but Ali’s right, this happens to a lot of teenage girls. Maybe she should borrow a page from Mean Girls and feed them a bunch of fattening diet bars. Or go all Carrie on them. That’s probably a better movie to draw from.

Photos of Ali and Dina at a youth center in Harlem where they were shooting scenes for Livin’ Lohan on March 28th. Dina broke out dancing. We obviously haven’t seen the episode yet, but it looks positively mortifying. And I actually picked the least stupid photo of Dina. God I hate that mouth of hers. Images thanks to Splash.

E! Networks has a new preview available for Lindsay’s mom Dina’s upcoming reality show, Living Lohan.

The preview is filled with such cringe-inducing and cliché statements as “A lion protects her cubs,” and “It’s a big game of chess and it’s our move. Bring it on now, let’s go.”

Dina is shown discovering the still from older daughter Lindsay’s alleged sex tape with ex Calum Best that turned out to be two different people entirely. 14 year-old Ali comes in the room, smiling and gaping at the computer monitor. Dina then makes some phone calls threatening someone about the photo that’s supposed to be Lindsay, saying “you need to get it down immediately because I’ve already been in touch with my attorneys, and the story is absolutely false.”

Dina says “there’s got to be boundaries with these people, the paparazzi and everything. There’s just got to be more boundaries set.” That’s rich coming from a woman who is letting cameras into her two younger children’s life!

As for 14 year-old Ali, who says she wants to be just like her older sister, Lindsay, Dina claims “Ali loves this business, and unfortunately I have to manage her.”

Unfortunately you have to let the whole world know exactly how you’re messing up your two other kids, Dina, but that doesn’t mean we have to watch it.

The NY Post has more details of the first episode, which sounds like it shows Dina in just as accurate a light as you expect:

The pilot episode, called “Mommy Will Fix It,” centers around the family’s North Merrick, LI, McMansion.

See Dina buffer her family from rumor, protect Ali’s music taste from execs, and help Ali cope with her music producer Jeremy Greene, who is rumored to be dating big sis Lindsay.

“You’re not here to please anyone but you as an artist,” she says to Ali during a conference call with music execs.

In her daily news search for all things Lohan, Dina, 45, says she’s looking for “idiots who are talking trash.”

“I don’t live my life every day going, ‘Oh, they’re talking about us,’ ” Dina snaps. “I’m over it. Yes, it still does hurt, but people are just idiots.”

“Oh God, everyone’s talking about Lindsay’s intervention,” she mimics in a valley-girl voice. “This is so stupid. They better not talk about Ali like this, or there’s going to be war. I’m like a lion with her cubs…”

[From The NY Post]

The real bombshell is this tidbit at the end of The Post’s story, though, which claims that Dina went partying, leaving Ali, 14, and Cody, 11, at home alone when a fire broke out in the house! This is the first I’ve heard of it, so if it’s true it was likely a small fire that they were able to contain and keep from reaching the press. It’s unclear from this story when this happened exactly or if it will be included in the show.

And mom’s right there with the bad girls - leaving the kids at home to carouse at a party thrown in her honor, only to discover that her Long Island house had caught fire with her children asleep inside, says a source close to the family.

When the family hits Las Vegas to record Ali’s first album, Dina meets with Hefner at the Palms and allegedly “allows herself to have a little fun” during a dinner with magician Lance Burton.

[From The NY Post]

That’s awful although the kids are surely ok if this is all we’re hearing about it. Do you think the house fire inspired Dina to hire a babysitter or stay home with her kids more?

Dina Lohan and Ali Lohan, 14, are shown at Candies Foundation ‘Event To Prevent’ Benefit on 5/7/08, thanks to WENN.

There’s trouble in paradise for Nicole Richie and baby daddy Joel Madden. Though to be fair, it doesn’t exactly sound like Nicole has considered her life to be like paradise for a while. Nonetheless, you’ve got to ask yourself, what kind of a trampy, trashy, harlot skank would come between a new father and the mother of his child? Why none other than Nicole Richie’s “supposed” good friend, Lindsay Lohan. Leave it to the Lohan to be the skankiest person in any given situation.

While Nicole Richie was home caring for her baby, her fiancé Joel Madden spent a boozy night partying with Lindsay Lohan. Needless to say, Nicole was crushed. The trouble started for the new mom after she decided to stay home with their 4-month-old daughter, Harlow, while Joel deejayed at Hornitos’ Cinco de Mayo party at Crown Bar in L.A. However, while there, the Good Charlotte rocker seemed more interested in a seductive Lindsay than in spinning records.

“Their heads were practically touching, and he had his leg over hers,” says one onlooker. “Joel has a flirtatious side, and he definitely wasn’t turning her away.” Nicole was immediately alerted to the situation by her arch-frenemy Paris Hilton, who sent her a devastating text message: Lindsay was all over Joel!

Making the situation worse, Nicole frantically tried to call Joel, but he wasn’t answering his phone. “He was so zeroed in on Lindsay, he never heard his cell ring,” a friend of the couple tells Star. “Nicole felt so incredibly helpless and upset that she threw her phone against the wall in a rage.”

[From Star]

It sounds like it could be friendly or somewhat innocent behavior on Joel’s part, but I never assume Lindsay Lohan has good intentions. That troll lives for drama. And what’s more dramatic than breaking up the relationship between your good friend – who just had a baby a few months ago – and her boyfriend? And what the hell else does Lohan have to do these days? Her career is nonexistent. She spends most of her days getting her hair done and making her body look orange. I don’t really like Nicole Richie, but I hope she throws a shit fit and bans Lohan from her life.

Here’s Amy Joel Madden and Benji Madden at Hornitos Tequila celebration of the ultimate ‘Cinco de Mayo’ experience at Crown Bar where the flirtation took place. Header of Joel and Nicole not looking too happy on May 9th. Images thanks to WENN.