It’s been over a year since I’ve bothered to watch “Glee,” and I honestly didn’t make an exception for Lindsay Lohan’s much-anticipated “performance” last night. Judging from the clip I just saw on Evil Beet (included here, below), which was almost all of her guest segment, I’m glad I didn’t. As we’ve heard, Lindsay was a massive diva on the Glee set. She was six hours late on set, she didn’t bother to learn her lines ahead of time, and she kept flitting out to her trailer to presumably do lines smoke. For all that trouble, you would think Lohan would still be capable of a small glimpse of the greatness expected from her at the beginning of her now-over career. She didn’t seem to be. She delivered her lines with about the same conviction and breadth she showed on Saturday Night Live, that’s to say, not much. This is what happens when people are blitzed out of their skull for years, they suck at the job they used to know and do well. Here’s an editorial from The Washington Post on Lindsay’s big appearance on Glee. A “comeback” it was not.

“Is there anything better than someone making a comeback?”

Lindsay Lohan, playing the role of Lindsay Lohan, asked that question — wink, wink — during tonight’s second hour of “Glee.” She also reminded us that she’s a twelve-time Teen Choice Award nominee and is in full-on “image rebranding mode,” which, of course, is why she agreed to do a guest appearance on the Fox series in the first place.

So how did she do?

Well, after all the hoopla about her appearance in tonight’s episode, it was disappointing to only have her included for such a short period of time. Specifically, the two minutes and 46 seconds required for her to do her one big scene with fellow guest stars Rex Lee and Perez Hilton. (Note: that almost-three-minute period did not include the moment pictured above, when she stood up at nationals and waved.) Honestly, I spent more minutes reading about how Lohan allegedly showed up late to the “Glee” set than I did actually watching her on “Glee.”

Still, she was given a couple of semi-amusing lines.

“I show up here and there isn’t even a red button I can push and a chair that can spin me around where I can then point at a kid onstage and say, ‘I want to work with you’?” she complained in a blatant reference to ”The Voice.” “I’m seriously firing my manager.”

And she delivered those lines adequately, although, as was the case when she recently hosted “Saturday Night Live,” she didn’t necessarily sell them. She was helped by the fact that she shared screen time with Hilton, who was totally irritating and used every opportunity possible (with an assist from the “Glee” writers) to promote his blog. Then again, a person can never see the words LILO ALERT in a hot-pink, all-caps font nearly enough, can she?

In conclusion, on the “Glee” cameo appearance spectrum, Lohan was not in anything resembling the same league as Gwyneth Paltrow and Kristen Chenoweth, but not nearly as annoying as Perez Hilton. Her image probably hasn’t been rebranded, but it also hasn’t been tarnished either. So … mission accomplished?

[From The Washington Post's Celebritology, author Jen Chaney]

I agree with Chaney that Perez was somewhat annoying. I don’t want to come down too hard on the guy because he’s not a professional actor and you do have to acknowledge how far he’s come in his career. Lohan has fallen farther, though. If she would have even tried, if she would have even shown up on time, tried to muster up some semblance of humility, maybe she would have earned more screen time on Glee. This is the story of her career for the past handful of years, though. She screws up every. single. chance. she’s given. Is it any wonder she screwed up this one? I don’t even think the Cracken cares at this point. After years of drug abuse, she’s so messed up it’s hard to even put our “regular people” standards on her. She doesn’t show up to work, she has to go to jail to be reminded to do some simple community service, ad nauseum. She probably thought she was ahead of the game by even getting there and managing to be relatively sober-ish.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

These are some photos of Lindsay Lohan in NYC last week, after her disastrous appearance at the A&E Upfronts on Wednesday. While her crack face doesn’t look as horrendous here as it did on the red carpet, that’s still a ridiculously jacked face. HER LIPS. I need to stop talking about her lips. I need to un-see them. As far as I know, we’re just a few weeks away from the start of Lifetime’s Liz & Dick production. I don’t know what we can expect – will Lindsay be too cracked-out to even show up for work on time? Will she (gasp) get her act together enough that she shows up… for the first week at least? Unknown. What I do find interesting is that Dina Lohan, our own Mother Crackie, is back to giving interviews about her darling crackie daughter. Speak on, Enabler:

Dina tells Access Hollywood that LL is “very prepared… She’s so excited to do this and it’s such an honor to play Liz Taylor.” Dina also thinks there are “so many similarities” between Elizabeth Taylor and the Cracken because “the tabloids, they attacked [Liz] as well… She’s really learned a lot, she’s grown up a lot.” My favorite quote, though, is when Dina accidentally calls LL’s years-long crack shenanigans a “demise”. Dina says, “This town is tough… Lindsay is 25, so it’s for her to talk about her demise, or whatever was going on at the time. I felt as a mother, yes, I’m going to protect my children publicly, privately, I kick their butts. I’m a single mom, of course I do!” DEMISE?!? I can’t believe Dina used that word.

In other LL news, Page Six had this funny story on Sunday:

Lindsay Lohan made an unexpected demure appearance at the VC Gallery at Dream Downtown for artist Domingo Zapata’s “Life Is a Dream Exhibition” Thursday night. The actress — featured in a work by the artist, who depicted her as Eve and surrounded her with semi-biblical banter before selling the work to a British collector for $100,000 — arrived on time and spent just under an hour chatting to Zapata and hotel owner Vikram Chatwal before leaving via an underground exit to avoid “waiting paparazzi,” even though there no one was waiting.

Zapata, who has studios in Chelsea and at Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont, told us: “The light is great in LA, and the hotel’s history gives me great inspiration . . . but sometimes there is too much of a party there, and I have to change the locks to keep certain people out.” Zapata said he’s working on a series of starlet portraits, including Sofia Vergara, Pamela Anderson, Michelle Rodriguez and Kim Kardashian, that he will show in 2014.

[From Page Six]

What is the deal with LL and Vikram Chatwal? I still don’t get it. Is LL just escorting or does she not even bother charging him for her services, just because Vikram gives her something more important than money – access and drugs? I also love the part about LL’s crack paranoia about being photographed and how there were no paps following her.

Last thing – LL tweeted this old photo of herself, Ali and Michael Jr. What does LL think when she looks at a photo like this?

Photos courtesy of Pacific Coast News and LL’s Twitter.

It is WAY too early in the morning to be assaulted by these Lindsay Lohan photos, I know. I couldn’t help it. If this is the crack-face I have to look at this morning, so do you. These are pics of the Cracken at the A&E upfronts last night. I’m guessing this was a “job” for her – maybe something to do with the Elizabeth Taylor movie for Lifetime? You know what I think is weird/funny/sad? Lindsay always pulls this stunt. She’ll go along, gradually improving her “look” for a month or two, then she’ll finally get a chance to walk a red carpet, and BAM! CRACKFACE. She did it at the AmFar gala a few months ago too. She looked like death warmed over during her Today Show interview back in March (when she claimed she was a “homebody”), and since then, she seemed like she was trying to look a bit more “cleaned up.” So, is this her pattern? Is this how she gets attention? Every three months, she walks a red carpet and makes sure she’s the most busted looking crackie there, so she can get all of the attention?

Honestly, I don’t think the Cracken even thinks that far ahead. And you know she’s a delusional monster too, so she probably thinks she’s looks awesome here. Just a few things I’d like to note:

*Her slug lips look WORSE when she tries to close her mouth.

*NEVER wear orange-coral lipstick when you have A) ginger hair, B) slug lips and C) a filthy crack face.

*NEVER wear white-silver eye shadow. Ever.

*Remember how everyone was like “Oh, thank God she went back to the ginge.” Well, look at those ratty extensions! This just proves her hair can look just as awful when she’s back to being a ginger.

*She looks like a Marx brother with those chola brows.

*Is the makeup on her forehead DARKER than the makeup on the lower part of her face?

That’s all I’ve got. CB wanted me to mention that there are some promotional images of LL on Glee floating around – you can see some here. I think next week’s episode will be Lohan’s appearance as a “judge”. Allegedly, Glee cut her part down significantly when they realized how crackie she is, and they didn’t want to have to deal with her six-hours-late dumbass.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet, WENN.

Last week, there were some reports that Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan were back together. Apparently, they were hanging out at a NYC club together, and they were spotted holding hands and giggling. The report came after months – no, YEARS – of crack-stalking by Lindsay. LL really considers Samantha the great love of her cracked-out life, and LL follows her around, real-estate stalking Sam and ACTUALLY stalking her too. My take: if we weren’t talking about a lesbian couple, I think people would be so much more disturbed by Lindsay’s stalking. Anyway, considering Lindsay was also seen with her seemingly on-again john, Vikram Chatwal, the Cracken wants people to know that she’s not really “with” Samantha. Of course. That probably hurts her business!

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are NOT getting back together … sources close to Lindsay tell TMZ — despite reports the two were all over each other this week at a NYC nightclub.

Lindsay did hang out with Sam Thursday night at Le Baron in New York — but sources tell TMZ, there was no touchy-feely business going on … it was just two old friends catching up together.

There were reports the two might have rekindled a relationship — but we’re told that’s not true … neither Lindsay nor Sam has plans to reunite romantically.

We’re told the two are simply focusing on mending their friendship after a rough break-up in 2009. They began dating on-and-off in 2007.

As one source put it — they’re “just friends. That’s it. Nothing more.”

[From TMZ]

Some of you seem to think Samantha is just as crackie as LL – although it’s hard to imagine anyone competing with Lindsay for the crackie title. I think Sam has issues, sure, but at the end of the day, I think Sam always comes from a place of being the “responsible adult” in her relationship with Lindsay. I always think that Sam is really just trying to ensure that Lindsay doesn’t hurt herself or someone else. Sam is more “crackie caretaker” than girlfriend.

Incidentally, remember Lindsay’s hit-and-run outside of The Hookah Lounge? She clipped an Iraq War vet. And she got away with it! Of course, because it’s California, the Give A Crackhead A Driver’s License State. Radar reports that the LA District Attorney’s Office “has decided not to file charges against Lindsay Lohan for an alleged hit and run.” Apparently, LL’s victim had credibility problems. Which is… so weird, right? Does Lindsay have some kind radar for her victims? She only attacks and assaults and runs over people who end up screwing up their case against her.

One last Cracken story – she and Woody Allen are now friendly. For real. Or so LL claims – TMZ has a story about LL possibly working with Woody. And there’s video of them leaving the same restaurant.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet.

Everyone has been wringing their hands over Lindsay Lohan’s casting as Elizabeth Taylor, for good reason. Even though it’s just a dumb, obviously budget Lifetime disaster, it’s the principle of the thing! When talking about one of the greatest beauties (and one of the greatest activists/philanthropists/actresses) of the 20th century, it speaks volumes about the lack of respect *SOME* people have when it’s considered acceptable to cast a busted crackhead in the role. Even if it is a Lifetime movie, they seriously could have gotten a higher-quality actress for the role. That’s basically how Elizabeth’s family feels too:

Elizabeth Taylor’s family and friends are furious that Lindsay Lohan has been cast to play the screen goddess in a TV movie, insiders say.

“Liz’s sons, Michael and Chris Wilding, feel there are many other actresses who are far more qualified to play their famous mother,” a family friend told The Enquirer. “They think gorgeous and talented stars such as Cate Blanchett or Emily Blunt should have been short-listed for the role. Liz’s children feel their mom deserved better!”

“Liz was not only a great movie star, but a great philanthropist, and it’s a slap in the face to her memory to have this errant party girl play her,” huffed the family friend. “She’d be screaming bloody murder over this whole fiasco!”

[From The Enquirer, print edition]

Well, La Blanchett and Emily Blunt would never deign to appear in a Lifetime movie, but producers definitely could have looked around to find someone who… I don’t know… LOOKS like Elizabeth Taylor. The thing about Lindsay Lohan is that she could have easily worked her Ann-Margret sex kitten appeal (and stayed ginger and sober-ish), but the Cracken spent years trying to remake herself into some kind of Marilyn Monroe crackie drag queen. I take that back – most of the Marilyn drag queens I’ve seen look worlds better than Lindsay. What was my point? Ah, yes. They should have cast someone famous for being a brunette. Like, Jessica Szohr or Kat Dennings or something.

Oh, and producers still haven’t cast the Richard Burton role. They start filming in the beginning of June! There’s not much time to find whatever poor bastard takes the role. And yes, I saw that LaineyGossip suggested Eddie Cibrian for the role. That would certain be a… layered comedic performance. Trying to watch Eddie do a Welsh accent, trying to watch Eddie “act”, trying to watch Eddie and the Cracken deny their love.

One last thing – Radar has a story about whether or not the DA will actually charge the Cracken with any crime for all of the hitting-and-running and stuff. You can read the story here.

Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame/Flynet and PCN.

During last fall’s New York Fashion Week, Lindsay Lohan was in typical crackie form. She was making her way into whatever Fashion Week party would have her, and once inside, she was causing crack drama by throwing tantrums and cocktails, etc. It was also during NYFW that Lindsay spent a lot of time with her on-again-off-again married lover/john Vikram Chatwal, a New York hotelier. According to reports, Vikram’s wife was not happy at all with the crack drama, and the wife wanted Lindsay out of her estranged husband’s life (LL threw a crack-tantrum about that too). But Vikram seemed to continue “spoiling” the Cracken – and there are even photos to suggest that LL and Vikram are coke-buddies. Anyway, I really thought Vikram and Chatwal were done, but here are some new photos of them out and about in NYC yesterday. I almost feel sorry for this guy… except I don’t. I pretty much think he’s paying for her services in blow (and Chanel, judging from the bags).

Speaking of cocaine, it was widely reported that LL spent most of the White House Correspondents Dinner going in and out of the bathroom. To “smoke” obviously? Or to do lines. And then Us Weekly had this story in their print edition:

A source tells Us Weekly’s Hot Stuff that Lindsay Lohan was six hours late to shoot her guest appearance on Glee April 25 – and “this was after a crew member went to the Chateau Marmont to get her.” Another source says Lohan retreated to her trailer “every five seconds.” While a Glee rep denies the allegations, the second insider adds, “She was meant to shoot for five days, but they changed the script so they were done with her in two!”

[From Us Weekly, print edition]

Subtext: LL is still a twitchy cokehead.

And if that’s not all… Lindsay may be back with Samantha Ronson. I KNOW. All of that stalking paid off, y’all. X17’s source says Lindsay and Sam were together on Tuesday night at a club (because Lindsay is such a homebody) and “Lindsay and Sam were whispering and laughing and they left the club holding hands. They didn’t care who saw them, and they definitely seem to be back on. It was just like the old days — they couldn’t get enough of each other!” Poor Sam.

Last Lindsay story and then I’m done – TMZ reports that Lindsay’s hit-and-run outside the Hookah Lounge is now in the DA’s hands. The cops referred the case – where an Iraq War vet was run over by a liquor-soaked Cracken – to the district attorney’s office, and they’ll decide whether or not to proceed. TMZ says it probably won’t happen, though, because of the lack of evidence. Although… Radar has been claiming that the security video is pretty interesting. We’ll see.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet.

As we discussed yesterday, Lindsay Lohan was not a violent, drunken, cracked-out hot mess at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Were you surprised? She actually looked clean (-ish) and sober (-ish). I mean, of course her crack-face was jacked with lip fillers and of course she went braless in her cheap-looking gown, but there were no stories of the Cracken throwing drinks on anyone or starting a fist-fight with Rick Santorum (who took a photo of her for some reason). The Hill did report that LL was bitching at one of her assistants, but that seems kind of meh. Oh, and Page Six even had a story about LL being NICE to someone. According to Page Six, Lindsay met an elderly Latina cleaner in the ladies’ room, and LL told the woman, “you’re too old to be doing this kind of work.” And LL gave the woman a $100 tip! You know LL can’t afford to tip like that. Oh, and Page Six also claims that LL was taking smoke breaks throughout the evening, and she was telling people she was only smoking as part of her “research” for the Elizabeth Taylor role. She’s so dumb.

Incidentally, X17 says that LL missed her first flight to DC because she had been partying the night before – they say she was partying at the same Hollywood Hills home two nights in a row, until the wee hours of the morning. Because she’s a homebody!!!! So… Page Six has a story about what LL did AFTER she left DC – she came up to NYC to party! How shocking.

Lindsay Lohan might have demurely passed up the after-parties in Washington on Saturday night, but she made up for it by partying hard at New York’s Goldbar until sunrise yesterday morning. Lohan attended the White House Correspondents’ Dinner with her lawyer, Shawn Holley, but passed on drinks at the dinner and the celeb-filled bashes.

But Sunday, she was ready to get back to her usual self and headed back to New York, and was spotted at Goldbar’s “Funday” party without her lawyer but with two male friends. Spies saw her repeatedly popping her head into the DJ booth to request songs from DJ Theory.

Lohan — seen clutching an unidentifiable drink with a lime — hung out until 5 a.m., well after Russell Simmons and DJ Cassidy had already gone home. Lohan’s rep declined to comment.

[From Page Six]

Something with lime… a vodka tonic? That’s my official guess. I’m surprised LL didn’t do her standard crack shenanigan and just pour vodka into a water bottle and have her rep say that she was “sipping water throughout the night.” Anyway, this is just another FYI – New Yorkers, BEWARE. The Homebody is being cracked-out on your city streets. Watch out.

Photos courtesy of Pacific Coast News, Fame/Flynet and PR Photos.

Yay! We have photos from the White House Correspondents Dinner!! HUZZAH BITCHES. I already covered the speeches and some highlights from the event yesterday, so now that we have photos, let’s just talk about fashion and celebrity gossip from the event. And let’s start with everybody’s favorite traveling crackie, Lindsay Lohan.

After missing her first flight from LAX to DC, Lindsay eventually arrived in town and hit up a pre-party, and then made it on time to the Correspondents Dinner. Lindsay wore this full-on ball gown to the event, and while I have to give her credit for actually putting in some effort, it does seem like she was overdressed. Like, she thought she was going to the Oscars when most ladies were in much simpler gowns or cocktail dresses. I will also give The Cracken credit for taking a shower – she didn’t look like she had been rolling around in a vat of orange spray tan. What I won’t give her credit for: the lip injections, and looking like a middle-aged hooker.

Thus far, I haven’t heard any stories about the Cracken at any of the post-dinner parties, but the day is just beginning, and I’m sure those stories are coming. By far the funniest story involving Lindsay in Washington also involves Rick Santorum:

Does Rick Santorum have a crush on Lindsay Lohan? The former presidential candidate reportedly asked the actress to pose for a photo at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, then awkwardly denied it.

Lohan was sitting with Greta Van Susteren, whose invitation to the star drew fire from Meghan McCain, at the annual event when Santorum approached. He reportedly asked Lindsay to take a picture of him with Van Susteren, then snapped a photo of Lohan. Not along with him, just a photo of Lohan. Alone.

Random? Sure. But probably harmless. The funny part is that when asked about this by a reporter shortly after, he dodged the question unnecessarily.

“I took a picture of a lot of people tonight,” the visibly uncomfortable politician said, as though he could not remember what happened minutes earlier.

[Via The Hollywood Gossip]

Sketchy? Of course. There’s also a photo of Santorum looking down on a seated Lindsay… and it just feels gross. Creepy.

More photos of Lindsay… this is the crack face who will portray Elizabeth Taylor. Lindsay recently said, in response to criticism about her taking the Liz & Dick gig, that “I know that I’m great and I know that I know Liz Taylor really well.” She knows she’s great, y’all.

Photos courtesy of Pacific Coast News, PR Photos.

At this point, I don’t even have words for the cracktastrophe known only as The Cracken. Yesterday, we discussed the early reports that Lindsay had simply shown up LATE for her first day of work in something like five years. (Incidentally, I’m not counting “cracked-out model” as “work” – I’m only talking about work as an actress.) Although Team Crack tried to sugarcoat Lindsay Lohan’s tardiness and unprofessionalism, the truth is even worse than originally assumed. Us Weekly reports (exclusively) that Lindsay showed up SIX HOURS LATE. Not six minutes. Not an hour. SIX HOURS. F&#^$*(#

Looks like Lindsay Lohan is already viewed as an outcast at McKinley High. Filming her May 15 guest appearance as a judge at the annual Nationals performance episode, Lohan, 25, angered Glee’s cast and crew when she showed up six hours late to shoot her scenes Wednesday.

“She came to set with a million demands and was not prepared to work,” a source tells Us Weekly of Lohan, who will appear alongside Rex Lee and Perez Hilton in the episode.

Among Lohan’s megawatt demands for her guest starring role: A pimped out trailer! “One of her demands has to do with her trailer size,” hints the insider. “The cast is already worked to death and then she puts everything behind. She is a diva!”

One of the irate cast members was none other than Dot Marie Jones, who plays Coach Beiste on the FOX series.

“Gonna be a long day!! Some ppl show up late and just throw a wrench in things. Not cool!” Jones tweeted [and later deleted]. “I’d rather be an hour early (I was) than 5 minutes late.”

[From Us Weekly]

So… basically, Lindsay only had to work for two days, and she threw a huge diva temper tantrum about her trailer, AND she showed up six hours late AND she was unprepared. Oh, but it gets worse. After the initial reports of her tardiness on Wednesday, LL’s rep Steve Honig couldn’t even manage to lie for her, only confirming to E! News, “I am on the set with Lindsay right now, and everything is going well and on schedule.” Except that everything was a cracktastrophe, as usual. E! News got the scoop that the Cracken was “incredibly late” – so late, in fact, that production had to “send a car to the Chateau Marmont to pick her up and bring her to set.” Wait, I thought she wasn’t living at the Marmont anymore? Another crack lie?!?

What else…? Sources say “Lindsay was a total nightmare” on Wednesday: “She was three hours late in the morning, and when she did finally arrive, she just didn’t want to be there. She did not want to work. She had not memorized her lines, and she kept disappearing so no one could find her.” The cast started calling her “That Girl” and a source says “She has rubbed them all up the wrong way by being so disrespectful of everyone else’s schedule.” Poor Steve Honig had to defend LL yet again, claiming the tardiness was a “misunderstanding” about her call time. Honig then threw LL a giant pity party because all of these stories are “a classic example of people trying to bash Lindsay. She busted her ass yesterday and is back on set again today.” Dear Steve Honig: your client is a crackhead. It’s not our fault.

One more Cracken story – she wants to get back with Leonardo DiCaprio, according to In Touch Weekly. Leo and Lindsay allegedly hooked up a few times back in 2008-09, but he doesn’t want anything to do with her these days:

Lindsay Lohan, 25, has been accused of not being in touch with reality on occasion, and this may just prove it. Lohan has been pursuing Leonardo DiCaprio, 37, nonstop over the last few weeks for both business and pleasure, according to a source.

“She has been texting Leo constantly, asking him to get together,” says the insider. “They used to hook up a long time ago, and she wants to get back together with him. She also hopes that he will get her some auditions as well.”

Shockingly (or not so), he is not interested.

[From In Touch Weekly, print edition]

Such a mess. But don’t pity her. She thrives on pity. In Lindsay’s mind, she’s a cracked-out martyr. In reality, she’s just a violent addict and an unprofessional a–hole.

Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame/Flynet and PCN.

Guess which crackhead was late for her first day of work in years? Yep. Pretty much. These are photos of Lindsay Lohan on the set of Glee yesterday. Looking like the very picture of modern grace and class, puffing on a cigarette, unable to close her crack mouth, puffy from the previous night’s “activities.”

Anyway, actress Dot Marie Jones (Coach Beiste on Glee) tweeted yesterday, “Gonna be a long day!! Some ppl show up late and just throw a wrench in things. Not cool! I’d rather be an hour early (I was) than 5 minutes late!” Sooooo cryptic! Who ever would DARE show up late to a job? Especially when it’s a job you’ve begged and crack-bargained for? Yes, TMZ confirmed that Jones had been tweeting about Lindsay. Of course, Team Crack also got TMZ to note that director Eric Stoltz (!!!) was telling people that Lindsay was “very professional… We’re told she nailed her lines and was very polite to cast and crew.” Words we shouldn’t use around The Cracken: “professional” and “nailed”. And “lines.”

As for Lindsay’s lateness and what it says about her… look, I’m one of those people, like Dot Marie Jones, who would rather show up extremely early than even one minute late. Showing up on time is one of my most OCD features. I get a stomach ache if I’m late. So I’m probably not the person to sit in judgment of the Cracken on this – we are worlds apart on this issue. But I just think it’s so ridiculously typical that after all of the crack-whining and crack-denials and crack-campaigns, that after all of that, Lindsay is still acting like such a crackhead diva. ON HER FIRST DAY.

Photos courtesy of Pacific Coast News.