These are photos of Lindsay Lohan arriving at LAX in the early evening yesterday. As soon as she arrived, she jaunted off to a Jay-Z concert. In yesterday’s Lindsay Lohan post, I asked when LL was due back in LA after her cracked-out Hawaiian jaunt. As it turns out, she was supposed to fly back to LA yesterday morning, but the dumb crackie missed her flight. Of course. Not only did she miss the early flight, she ended up standing up Ellen DeGeneres in what was supposed to be the ONE television appearance to “debut” her Playboy cover. Dumb crackhead.

Alec Baldwin isn’t the only one having travel issues these days. Lindsay Lohan, who was scheduled to return from her hit-and-miss Hawaiian vacation today, missed her flight back to Los Angeles that would have had her back in town in time for a scheduled taping of The Ellen DeGeneres Show.

But more importantly, Lohan’s due in court bright and early tomorrow. She doesn’t need a passport to get back to the mainland, so what can the problem be—and will it keep her from her date with Judge Stephanie Sautner?!

“Lindsay had a travel-related issue arise that took a few hours to sort out,” rep Steve Honig tells E! News. “It has been resolved and she will be back in Los Angeles in time for her court appearance.”

A source also tells us that Lohan, after missing a morning flight, is booked on an afternoon flight and hopes to be back late Tuesday.

The community-servicing actress is due in court Wednesday at 9:30 a.m. for another checkup as to how she’s been handling the terms of her probation.

Sautner ordered her to complete at least 12 days of work at the L.A. County morgue by her hearing date—and Lohan’s done that, so we’re not expecting too much tap-dancing on the part of Playboy’s latest cover girl.

[From E! News]

Us Weekly just says that LL “canceled” the appearance on Ellen, and a rep for Ellen confirms that LL missed her flight. So… was it a “cancellation” or a cracktastrophe? You know what I mean? Did LL consciously choose to NOT make an appearance on Ellen – for whatever reason – and her excuse was “missing a flight” or did she honestly miss the flight – for whatever reason – and she really wanted to be on Ellen? LL’s rep tells Gossip Cop, “Lindsay offered to tape ‘Ellen’ tomorrow, but the show was unable to shift things around, and tomorrow is their last day of taping for the season.” But an insider at Ellen tells GC, “Not a call or an apology from Lindsay.” Dumb crackie.

As for poor, trashy Steve Honig’s statement, let me translate this: “Lindsay had a travel-related issue arise that took a few hours to sort out. It has been resolved and she will be back in Los Angeles in time for her court appearance.” That means, “Lindsay was partying her crack off for days, and she was still too wasted to make a morning flight. She hadn’t even gone to bed because she was doing lines off of Pootie’s wang for hours. She’ll somehow manage to pull it together for her court appearance, meaning that she’ll stroll in, looking like a day-shift hooker, with a vial of coke in her purse. She will do some lines with some of the courthouse guards, she’ll look smug while the judge speaks, and then the party will continue.”

Photos courtesy of WENN, Pacific Coast News and Terry Richardson’s Diary.

Sigh… another day, another million stories about Lindsay Lohan’s crack drama. LL is still in Hawaii, where she’s getting “pap’d” only it’s really obvious that she’s just setting up these beach photo shoots. You can see some bikini photos of her here – the one of her saggy ass makes it really obvious that those Playboy pics were Photoshopped to the extreme. Also, you know how LL’s purse was “stolen” a few nights ago? Well, there an audio recording of LL “freaking out” about her lost purse, and you can hear her crack logic at work as she tries to figure out how in the world someone took her $5000 purse with $10,000 inside from a Jeep with open windows. SHOCKING. At one point, she mutters, “I will f–king kill someone if I even have to get questioned… jail for a year.” Ah, crack dramz.

Meanwhile, Radar has a story about what might go down at LL’s progress hearing in front of the judge tomorrow. If she shows up… is she still in Hawaii? Is she flying back today?

Lindsay Lohan will be in court on Wednesday for a progress hearing in her theft case, and the Playboy hottie will have a glowing probation report, RadarOnline.com is exclusively reporting. So, could legal woes be a thing of the past for the Mean Girls star? According to our well place sources, the answer is, yes….hopefully!

“Judge Sautner gave Lindsay a new probation officer at her last court appearance. Her new probation officer is absolutely no nonsense, and she has seen it all. Lindsay has been a model probationer so far,” a source close to the actress tells RadarOnline.com. “Lindsay has made scheduled meetings with her probation officer, has completed her court ordered community service requirement of 12 days by the progress report hearing, and attended all her psychological counseling sessions. Lindsay has actually completed more than the basic requirement of 12 days, and she is ahead of schedule to finish her duties at the morgue by March 29, 2012.”

As RadarOnline.com previously reported, Lohan, 25, served approximately 4 1/2 hours of a 30 day sentence for violating terms of her probation because she failed to show on multiple occasions at the Downtown Women’s Center. Judge Sautner had ordered LiLo to perform the community service at a downtown women’s shelter after pleading no contest in her theft case. Because of rampant jail overcrowding in Los Angeles County, Lohan only had to serve a fraction of her sentence.

Judge Sautner formally sentenced Lindsay at the last progress report hearing on November 2 to complete 53 days of community service at the Los Angeles County Coroner’s Office, and attend 18 psychotherapy sessions.

Saunter is keeping Lindsay on a very tight leash, ordering her to complete a certain number of hours for community service, and psychotherapy sessions – monthly until March 29, 2012. Failure to do so would result in an automatic 270 day jail sentence, which the judge suspended, pending successful completion of her terms.

“Lindsay calls her probation officer back immediately whenever she calls her, if she doesn’t answer the phone. Lindsay has really stepped up and accepted responsibility for her actions,” the source says. “Lindsay is well liked at the coroner’s office, and she does whatever she is assigned to do, without complaining. For the first time in a very long time in Lindsay’s life, she is treated just like everyone else, which is exactly what she needs. She isn’t given any special perks nor has she asked for any.”

“It’s actually much more productive for Lindsay to be doing manual labor at the morgue, where they have suffered from budget cutbacks. If she were in jail, she would be in a cell for 23 of 24 hours a day, except for visits with her lawyer, or family. Lindsay couldn’t do janitorial work at jail because of the notoriety surrounding her, and it wouldn’t be safe for her or the other inmates.”

Meanwhile, the probation report will “recommend that Lindsay be allowed to remain on probation, because she is in compliance,” the pal says.

[From Radar]

I tend to believe this report – I think the Cracken has been following all of the rules and she’s been in full-compliance… this month. But maybe next month, or maybe the month after that… the old crackhead itch will start. LL is incapable of simply following the rules and adhering to a structure. She’s incapable of a long con – she doesn’t have the patience for it. She’s too crackie. She’ll mess up, just wait for it.

Photos courtesy of Fame and Pacific Coast News.

For the love of all that is holy… Lindsay Lohan has more crack drama. But the bitch is so stupid, she’s just repeating old crack dramas at this point. A few days ago, LL decided she needed a vacation – probably because she’s been working SO HARD at the morgue. So LL, Ali and Pootie flew to Hawaii – see photos here. Apparently, her probation officer said it was okay, and you know that LL has a court date this week too, so she traveled to Hawaii with the understanding that she would be back for her court date. Unfortunately, LL is a crackhead who creates her crack drama wherever she goes – she left her Chanel purse unattended and wouldn’t you know, it got stolen. OH NOES. How ever will she be able to make it back to California? How 2010 Cannes Film Festival of her.

Lindsay Lohan’s Hawaii vacation just got a whole lot more stressful — TMZ has learned, she got her purse stolen last night … containing everything from her passport to tons of cash.

Sources close to Lindsay tell TMZ, Linds had been at a house party in Laie, Hawaii for about two hours — NOT drinking — and accidentally left her $5,000 Chanel purse in the car. When she came out, the purse was gone.

According to sources, the purse contained her passport (and other ID), her probation paperwork — giving her permission to take the trip — and lots of cold hard cash … good idea.

But it gets crazier — Lindsay is due back in California court on Wednesday for a hearing about her probation. It’s extremely unlikely, but if she misses her court date, the judge could find her in contempt and revoke her probation, landing her in the pokey.

If it all sounds familiar — it’s because the same exact thing happened to Lindsay last year while she was in Cannes … ‘Memba that?

Kahuku Police are currently investigating the situation.

[From TMZ]

Wait until the bench warrant is issued, then suddenly her purse and her passport will no longer be “missing” and she’ll be able to fly home right away. Some of you were wondering why she’s carrying her passport – I was assuming it’s because of all of the drama with her driver’s license, right? She needs a photo ID to fly, so she’s probably just using her passport? Or she’s just carrying her passport because she’s a dumb crackie and why not? Whatever.

UPDATE: Yeah… the purse has been returned, minus $10,000 cash.

Lindsay Lohan’s purse has made it back to its rightful owner safe and sound — passport and everything — but sources tell TMZ, the thief kept one massive jackpot … $10,000 in cash.

TMZ broke the story … Lindsay’s $5,000 Chanel purse was stolen last night from a Hawaii house party — and inside the bag … her passport, important probation docs, and a boatload of cash.

Sources tell us, Lindsay stayed long after police left — driving the entire party into a frenzy for hours looking for the purse — and up until this morning, she had come up empty.

But that’s when one of her friend’s eyed a suspicious-looking local, and asked if he knew where the bag was. We’re told the local denied everything, but showed up with the bag minutes later … claiming he found it on the street somewhere.

We’re told Lindsay was so ecstatic to have the bag back, she didn’t bother asking questions — despite the missing $10,000.

Traveler’s checks, people.

[From TMZ]

Dumb crackie. You know that $10,000 was her drug budget. She’s such a stupid drama queen.

Would you like more excerpts from LL’s Playboy interview? They’re pretty bad:

“Sex and sexuality are a part of nature, and I go along with nature,” the Mean Girls star says of her in-the-buff photos, which are an homage to the late Monroe’s own iconic Playboy spread. “Knowing yourself and your body is so important because it gives you confidence, and in life, women need confidence.”

In the leaked pics, Lohan wears just a pair of a pumps, with her blonde locks in retro-style waves and with her lips a bright shade of vampy red.

“It’s a very male-dominated world to begin with, so knowing yourself and being comfortable with your body is an important thing for me as a woman. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but this is mine.”

The former Disney cutiepie, of course, hasn’t had the most confidence-building several years, as her movie roles dried up and she ran into frequent troubles with the law over her partying, her drug and alcohol abuse, a related DUI, subsequent probation violations, even the theft of an expensive necklace.

But, looking forward, she says she’s learned from those transgressions. “Ultimately we are each responsible for ourselves and for our actions,” says the star, who has dodged long-term jail sentences more than once. “Looking back, I probably would have listened to and taken more advice from the people whom I admire and would have followed through with it more.”

How did the real trouble begin? Muses Lohan: “My stubbornness at 18 and 19 years old got in the way. During the past five years, I’ve learned that time flies faster than you think, and because you only live once you have to learn from your mistakes, live your dreams and be accountable.”

[From Us Weekly]

“…because you only live once you have to learn from your mistakes, live your dreams and be accountable…” ??? Is she living her dream as an international call girl? Is anything about her cracked-out legal dramas about accountability? Does she ever learn from her “mistakes”?

Photos courtesy of WENN.

For whatever reason, the tabloids are full of Lindsay Lohan stories this week. My theory for the sudden reemergence of The Cracken: she’s going to be everywhere promoting her Playboy cover in the hopes that her dusty firecrotch will bring her career relevance again. The Enquirer has a BS story about that too – something about Linnocent being prepared to do “anything” (wink, nudge, beej) to start working again. I know the report is BS because they claim LL is even prepared to dump Dina Lohan as her manager. That will never happen – Dina and the Cracken are forever intertwined now. They will never NOT coexist.

I’ll start with the Star Magazine story about LL’s 2008 “diary”. Radar already released some of this a few days ago – in January 2008, LL was writing in her diary non-stop about Heath Ledger being the “love of her life.” The print edition of Star had more details and diary entries, and I just want you to note how LL makes Heath’s death all about her. Her needs, her crack drama, her narcissism. It’s never NOT about Lindsay.

Jan. 22, 2008: “Today, Heath died. I’m in love with him… He was the love of my life. He taught me so much, and he was everything I’ve ever wanted and more. I want to hear him laugh and hold me. I crave his touch and care.”

She writes that she had plans to visit Heath in New York on Jan. 25: “He was going to meet my mom and everything.”

Lindsay reportedly broke down in tears at La Scala when she was informed of Heath’s death: When a person dies the world stops. I’m numb. There’s an emptiness. A whole [sic]. And a desire to feel loved. A need to be held in the arms of someone who understands. But what do you so when the one who understands is gone?”

“I’m sick. My vision is blurred and it’s like a black hole has surfaced overhead. It’s like a game of Jenga, and when one piece slips, it all falls apart. One pill, one sip and it goes down the slope, crashes and burns and it’s over. Why? I ask myself over and over. Cry is all I can do.”

More than a week after Heath’s death, on Jan. 31 2008, LL wrote: “Heath is a prime example of what this industry can do to someone. It craves to see someone fail… It brings enjoyment to us to watch one die. The tragedy and cravings for it can kill. And will. They have.”

[From Star Magazine, print edition]

The saddest/funniest line, in my opinion was, “He was going to meet my mom and everything.” Dina Lohan and Heath Ledger were going to meet… how would that have gone? Did Heath even know that was happening? Or was LL just some girl he boned and LL built up the one night stand like it was the most epic crack drama of her life? Life is totally like Jenga.

Meanwhile, the Enquirer also had excerpts from a new book that’s making the rounds. It was written by a man named Lee Weaver, who was a “Hollywood bodyguard” for more than 20 years. The book is Memoirs of a Celebrity Bodyguard, and Weaver details the year he spent on Cracken Detail:

Lee Weaver insists his worst client was Lindsay Lohan, whom he protected during most of 2007.

“When she was sober, she was charming. But when she’d done drugs or had been drinking, she was a demon!”

She once told Weaver: “I can dress like a princess and still fight like a whore.”

And one night she almost got them both killed. Weaver says she called him at 4 a.m. and asked him to take her to Beverly Hills to “pick up a script.” But when they got to the location, Lindsay approached a man waiting in the front yard and screamed: You ripped me off, you bastard!” With no warning, Lindsay “slapped him so hard that I almost felt it.” She then slapped him again, Weaver writes, and “before I could stop him, he held a gun to Lindsay’s face.”

Weaver moved in to save his client and found himself looking down the barrel of the gun. When a noise distracted the gunman, Weaver says he “punched that man as hard as I could in the side of his neck.”

The man went down and Weaver sped away in the car with Lindsay.

[From The National Enquirer, print edition]

“I can dress like a princess and still fight like a whore.” That’s her epitaph. That or “Move that headstone, I’m Lindsay Lohan!” Anyway, that story about Linnocent slapping some random – that’s her dealer, correct? Pretty much.

Photos courtesy of Fame.

Heath Ledger’s death in 2008 was a tragedy. It was a tragedy because the world lost a brilliant, talented, amazing actor who still had decades of performances left. It was a tragedy because a young girl lost her father, because Heath’s parents lost their son, because Heath lived a big life with a lot of friends, and his absence is still felt in their lives too.

Heath’s death was also a tragedy because now every random chick that he had a one night stand with thinks that she was his last great love. Let’s take Lindsay Lohan – LL has forced this postmortem connection to Heath for several years now. Evidence suggests that Heath and Lindsay did know each other in the months before his death. I will even guess that they had a sexual or romantic relationship, however brief. What I will not EVER believe is that LL and Heath had some great love affair, or that he wasn’t spending time with several different women before his death. But in Linnocent’s mind, Heath was her Joe DiMaggio (because she’s Marilyn Monroe).

Many mysteries still surround Heath Ledger’s 2008 death but a personal diary that Lindsay Lohan kept holds deep-rooted secrets, Star magazine is exclusively reporting via RadarOnline.com.

In a world exclusive, Star has obtained the private memoir of the 25-year-old actress penned at the time of the Brokeback Mountain star’s death in which she professed her love for the actor.

“Today Heath died,” Lindsay wrote with a pink pen on January 22, 2008. “I’m in love with him…. He was the love of my life. He taught me so much, and he was everything I’ve ever wanted and more.

“I want to hear him laugh and hold me. I crave his touch and care.”

The couple were so close that the Mean Girls star was even planning to visit Ledger in New York City just days after he died from an overdose of prescription drugs, Star exclusively reveals in the new issue.

Lindsay, who has famously battled her own demons with drugs and drink, broke down in tears when she heard the news that Heath had died. “When a person dies the world stops. I’m numb,” she wrote.

In a 2008 phone conversation obtained by RadarOnline.com, Lohan’s mom, Dina, told dad Michael that their daughter was “dating Heath when he died.”

[From Radar]

Yes, in taped conversations between Michael and Dina Lohan – in which they were both battling for Worst Parent of the Century – Dina did claim that LL was “dating” Heath before he died. But that’s second-hand information from a crackhead to another crackhead. There’s also the matter of how Radar/Star got their hands on “Lindsay’s Diary”. Is the crackie selling off her diaries now? Or is Dina selling off LL’s stuff in a cracked-out “fire sale”?

Photos courtesy of WENN.

These are some new photos of Lindsay Lohan leaving Ken Paves’ salon last night, where she was getting her blonde “hair” worked on. We actually haven’t had new photos of Linnocent in a while, although she’s been photographed a few times in the past month. I think she’s trying to keep a lower profile for the moment. I actually have a theory that LL has gotten some “work” done on her face over the past month as a precursory to the media blitz for her Playboy cover shoot. Once the issue of Playboy comes out, I suspect we’ll be seeing more “candid” photos of LL and her new face. I can see in these photos that she’s still maintaining her comically oversized crack lips, and that her nose looks “refreshed”.

By the way, LL usually doesn’t go to Ken Paves – he’s not her regular hair guy. I guess since she had all of that Playboy money burning a hole in her pocket, she decided to splurge on a new crack weave. Paves is best known for his friendship and professional association with Jessica Simpson, but Jessica and Ken had a falling out last year, and since then, Ken has been in the market for a new muse. He might have found one with Eva Longoria, but I’m sure he’d like another blonde too.

Also – that British report that LL was “close to signing” a deal with the UK’s Celebrity Big Brother show was false, just as I assumed. LL’s rep told E! News, “Lindsay is not doing Big Brother.” I’m telling you, even if the court let her leave the country, LL is a clever enough crackhead to know that she shouldn’t be filmed 24-7.

Photos courtesy of Fame.

From what I understand of British television, the show Celebrity Big Brother is a favorite piece of inelegant trash. Various C and D-list celebrities live together in the same house for a few weeks, and are filmed constantly, 24-7. Then the celebrities are voted off by… the public, I think? Tara Reid did the last season of Celebrity Big Brother, and she was one of the first voted off. That should tell you everything you need to know.

So, the rumor going around the British press today is that Lindsay Lohan may be joining the newest Celebrity Big Brother cast. Producers claim she’s “close to signing on” but…? What about her probation? What about the judge’s order that she shouldn’t leave the country? Is this the kind of “work” that the judge will allow?

Hollywood bad girl Lindsay Lohan is being lined up for a fate worse than jail… Celebrity Big Brother. The wild-child actress is ­considering a megabucks deal to appear on the Channel 5 reality show – if US courts allow her to leave the ­country.

Lindsay, 25, sees further incarceration, this time in a house with a bunch of celebs, as the perfect way to relaunch her career after FIVE stints in prison. Producers have flown to LA to meet the Mean Girls star. And they’ve already started shooting background footage of her in preparation for the next show in January. But TV bosses are worried the deal could fall through because Lindsay still has a sentence to complete after her last brush with the law.

The former child model spent four-and-a-half hours behind bars last month for violating a probation order imposed in 2007 after she was jailed for two counts of drink- driving. But she also has more than a month of community service to complete, which involves cleaning a Californian morgue.

Celebrity Big Brother executives hope to persuade the courts to let the troubled star come to Britain, arguing that the show will help her get her life back on track.

A TV insider said: “Lindsay would be an absolutely amazing signing for us. She’s a Hollywood A-lister and everyone knows about all the trouble she’s been in. She’s a fiery character too, so there are sure to be a some major clashes with other celebs if we get her in the house.”

The insider said Channel 5 chiefs were doing “everything possible” to make it happen.

“We want this to be the best Big Brother ever,” said our source. “So we hope that the courts will make a special allowance in this case. There aren’t many more controlled ­ environments than the Big Brother house.”

[From The Mirror]

I’m going to go out on a crack limb here are say that even if the probation department, the judge and the entire state of California thought it was a good idea for LL to participate in this, she still wouldn’t. I will barely give LL credit for anything, but I think even The Cracken knows that this would be an unmitigated disaster, and that she should never EVER be filmed 24-7. Where could she do drugs? Where could she snort vodka? How would she get away with her crack lies and delusions when there was video evidence of what really happened? Well, the money would have to be really, really good for LL to even consider it.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

These are some photos of Courtney Love in Dublin last month, where she gave a talk at Trinity College’s Philosophical Society and was awarded an Honorary Patronage. While I’m not sure why Courtney was awarded a Patronage, I assume that it has something to do with liquor? Nothing against the Irish, but they do love their alcohol:

And so the cycle continues. It’s things like this Honorary Patronage that allow Courtney to maintain many of her worldly illusions, including her belief that she’ll one day marry a titled nobleman and become Lady Love. In further delusionary news, Courtney has declared to Details magazine that she’s functioning as sobriety coach for Lindsay Lohan. This isn’t the first (or even the second) time that Courtney has taken it upon herself to declare herself a sobriety coach for an infinitely troubled celebrity trainwreck. She claimed to do so for Kelly Osbourne and Paris Hilton (as detailed below) and also purported to help Pete Doherty kick drugs too so that he could win Kate Moss back (and we all know how well that worked out). Why? Because Courtney sees herself as the “go-to-girl for the publicly humiliated.” That’s right, Courtney Love — advocate for the beleaguered, downtrodden, and drugged-up masses:

Courtney Love has claimed she is Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety coach.

Courtney has battled a high-profile addiction to drugs throughout her life. She is now clean and has decided to use her knowledge to help other people.

Lindsay’s life has been troubled lately, characterised by trips to rehab and prison sentences. She is now trying to get her life back on track and Courtney has decided to help her.

“I’ve taken up Lohan because nobody else will. She’s further down the line than I was, because there was no [gossip website] TMZ then,” she told Details magazine.

Courtney didn’t reveal any more details of her relationship with Lindsay, and the younger star has not yet commented on the report.

It’s not the first time Courtney has claimed she is helping Lindsay.

Earlier this year, the 47-year-old singer gave an interview in which she alleged she’d helped a number of young stars through addiction and legal problems. She insisted Lindsay once called her for advice after she was arrested, and even claimed she’d helped Kelly Osbourne after an alleged overdose.

“It wasn’t that long ago when Kim Stewart was screaming, ‘Courtney, what are we going to do? Kelly Osbourne is blue on the floor!’ Kelly wasn’t doing that well back then. For some reason, Kim Stewart also called me when Paris Hilton got pulled over for her last DUI. And Lindsay Lohan called me after she was arrested. The judge presiding over her case was the same judge who presided over mine. He was a very sweet man. I think he was an ex-alcoholic himself. I told Lindsay to just get it together and trust the judge, and Lindsay’s father called me for advice every day. I’m not even that friendly with these girls. What am I, a junkie Auntie Mame?”

[From Independent.ie]

As hilarious as the prospect of Lindsay seeking guidance from an equally cracked-out, washed-up mess sounds, I honestly doubt the veracity of this story. I mean, Courtney probably believes that it is true, but whatever. Courtney namedrops everyone. She’s worse than Gwyneth at the practice. In fact, Courtney is the only person who namedrops Gwyneth and not the other way around. To hear it Courtney’s way, every user of illegal drugs probably has her number on speed dial. Never mind that neither Kelly, Pete, nor Paris has ever acknowledged Courtney as their Patron Saint of Sobriety.

Seriously though, Courtney is a wreck in all areas of her life and has no business “coaching” anyone at anything. Even when she is allegedly sober, she comes off as being on some really good sh-t. In other words, the notion that Courtney being a sobriety coach for virtual hire would probably arrive as news even to Lindsay Lohan:

Photos courtesy of Fame and WENN

We’ve avoided writing about Lindsay Lohan for more than two weeks. Have you noticed? Did you care? At first it wasn’t a conscious choice, there just weren’t any good new stories or photos of her. And then it became a thing – I made the choice to not write about her. My rationale to CB was “Let’s wait until she screws up again, because it’s inevitable. This is the calm before the crack storm.” Well, I’m happy to say that I’m breaking my Linnocent Embargo, but not for a bad story about her. According to TMZ, LL is actually doing really well with her community service work. Of course, this is only the first month – (crack)baby steps.

Maybe structure is exactly what Lindsay Lohan needed — because TMZ has learned she’s not only on pace to complete her court-ordered stints at the morgue … she’s WAY ahead of schedule.

Law enforcement sources tell us … Lohan has already completed 10 of her 12 required morgue duty shifts — impressive considering she still has another THREE WEEKS to spare.

In fact, we’re told Lindsay doesn’t just plan to knock out the remaining two shifts by the Dec. 14 deadline — but she also wants to get a head start on the hours she has to complete by her 2nd status hearing.

Law enforcement tell us … Lindsay has a pretty damn good reputation at the morgue — polite, hard-working and never complains about the work.

Judge Sautner had said her sentence essentially put the keys to Lindsay’s freedom in her own hands — and at this point, it looks like she’s making the most of her opportunity to stay out of the clink.

[From TMZ]

My new prediction is that LL will be able to do her morgue work for this month, perhaps even next, but that the structured time will not be her friend in the long run. After all, in about a month LL is going to want to go somewhere for New Year’s, right? Maybe Ibiza, maybe St. Bart’s, maybe France. And she’s going to have to get back to “work” – meaning hustling and ho’ing. She is an “actress” and an international call girl, after all. And that’s going to take a big chunk of time to get those careers back on track. But for now, I’m happy that she’s actually putting in some work.

Oh, but if you want a rough LL story, last week, The Enquirer had this:

EEEEKKKKK! Doing her community service at LA’s county morgue, LINDSAY LOHAN emptied a trash bin – and suddenly screamed bloody murder when a bloody, severed human hand bounced out and hit the floor at her feet!

“Lindsay went totally hysterical and bolted from the room shrieking,” said My Morgue Insider. “She was making so much noise she never heard the pranksters who’d played their elaborate practical joke howling with laughter!”…Say whaaat?…

That’s right, folks, co-workers got so disgusted with LiLo’s lazy ways and hoity-toity manner they decided: Let’s scare her to death!

“Lindsay has a real attitude – always acting like she’s better than anyone else and spending much of her time taking cigarette breaks,” confided a volunteer who’s worked with her.

“She speaks to no one unless she has to, and mopes through the work she’s assigned, like mopping floors, cleaning bathrooms and washing dirty sheets.”

Fed-up workers bought the rubber hand, stashed it in a trash bin where Lindsay would be working, waited outside the room – then exploded with laughter when Lindsay exited screaming. Said the source: “When one of the volunteer organizers told Lindsay that someone had planted the phony hand as a joke, she was furious and ranted, ‘I can’t believe anyone would think this was funny! It’s really morbid – and so is everyone here!’”

WARNING TO LILO: Morbid morgue sources say they’re dying to hear you scream again – so watch your back!

[From The Enquirer]

Is it wrong that I believe this story much more than TMZ’s? I can totally see LL being a snooty bitch at the morgue. Or anywhere, actually. MOVE THAT CORPSE, I’M LINDSAY LOHAN.

A few more things – when will be seeing some of LL’s Playboy pictorial? My guess is within the next few weeks. I’m sure it will be a freckled cracktastrophe that will have Marilyn Monroe rolling over in her grave. Also – LL got a haircut or something. Her busted extensions might have gotten taken out? There’s video:

Photos courtesy of WENN.

This time last week, we were hearing about Linnocent and how she crashed her way into the post-premiere party for J. Edgar. According to Page Six’s report, Linnocent name-dropped everyone she ever thought of smoking crack with to get in the door, and once inside the party, she began acting “aggressive and random” and tried to get an audience with either Clint Eastwood or Leonardo DiCaprio. This week, The Enquirer has even more details about Linnocent’s party-crashing, and some new information on just how delusional The Cracken really is: she still believes she’s going to win an Oscar someday. Dumb Cracken.

An insider tells The Enquirer that Lindsay Lohan still believes she’s destined to win an Oscar: “Lindsay is clearly living on a different planet. Her life is in tatters and no one in Hollywood will even take her calls. But she still sees herself as a player, and she’s telling friends that her career is going better than ever. She’s even talking about finding a role that will make her dream of winning an Oscar come true!”

In a bid to pursue that dream, LL crashed the Nov. party for J. Edgar. “Lindsay tried to march up to Leo DiCaprio and Clint Eastwood to discuss collaborating with them on a future project,” the insider divulged. “Their team held Lindsay at bay, but everyone at the party was horrified at her behavior. At this point, the best gig she can get is a nude pictorial for Playboy – and she almost blew that!”

Hugh Hefner ordered Lindsay to do a reshoot for the pictorial after seeing her first photo shoot. “It’s a bad sign for your career when you can’t even do a nude layout right,” sniped the insider.

“But even with her numerous legal problems, her dwindling finances and her family issues, Lindsay is still telling friends that her best career days are ahead of her,” said the insider. “She just isn’t living in reality.”

[From The Enquirer, print edition]

Is it sad or funny? I choose to think it’s funny, just because I can’t find any sympathy or pity for Linnocent at this point – I save my sympathy for her past and future victims, and for Ali Lohan. The Cracken is a dumbass, she’s violent, she’s aggressive and she’s willfully delusional. Sure, her parents had something to do with it – but she’s an adult now, and has been for years. We’re past the point where she’s just a mixed up young woman who just needs to get on the right track. This is who she is – an arrogant crackhead who forces her way into parties and tries to cozy up to Clint Eastwood, for God’s sake.

Oh, and Linnocent’s lawsuit against Pitbull took a turn for the worse this week – Pitbull’s lawyers filed paperwork slamming Linnocent as a resident of California, which I guess means that her lawsuit – filed in New York – has no standing and needs to go federal. Linnocent messing with the feds? Ruh-roh!

Photos courtesy of WENN.