Here are some photos of your Cracken, Lindsay Lohan, in Brazil over the past five days or so. She’s being paid some crazy amount of money to promote a clothing line called “John John” and of course, I guess she’s being paid to party at some Sao Paulo clubs too. She’s a complete mess, but I guess we’re supposed to think “Oh, she looks like she’s having fun, good for her.” Anyway, would you like your Crack Update? There’s a lot of stuff:

*TMZ says that prosecutors are still trying to figure out what to do about Lindsay’s “lockdown rehab” (which doesn’t exist). They will either put her in regular rehab (where she’ll be able to drink and do crack with few repercussions) or jail. The prosecutors might have to go to the judge again to get him to sign off on whatever.

*But it doesn’t really matter because Lindsay has already made arrangements to continue taking Adderall no matter what. Lindsay has been taking Adderall – meant for AD/HD, which no one knows if she really has – for years, and she’s demanding to be allowed to take it in rehab (or jail, I guess). Incidentally, you’re really not supposed to mix Adderall with alcohol. AT ALL.

*You know how Lindsay crack-heisted a bunch of stuff from the set of Anger Management? Yeah. TMZ claims that “Lindsay decided she was going out clubbing one night, and took a bracelet, a necklace, earrings, pants and shoes from the wardrobe department. Yes, the stuff never came back.” Apparently, Lindsay told producers to “just take the value of the items out of her salary, but… that ABSOLUTELY wasn’t the deal.” And Lindsay was “the biggest prima donna ever on ‘Anger Management.’ She showed up 2 hours late the second day, refused to come out of her trailer for 2 hours, left early to go clubbing and threatened not to return.”

*But of course the Cracken denies all of that. She’s “telling friends” like TMZ that she had a “deal” with producers that she could crack-heist anything she wanted and they could take it out of her salary. She says she took “2 bracelets, a necklace, sunglasses, a pair of shoes, gold earrings, a silk bathrobe, lingerie and tap shorts.” Of course it gets more complicated than that, but I can’t even start – just read the story here.

Photos courtesy of Pacific Coast News.

TMZ has had several stories about Lindsay Lohan’s work on the set of Anger Management. It got to the point where I pretty much figured that Lindsay was calling them directly and announcing all of her spectacular feats of professionalism, like showing up on time and knowing her lines. A “source” told TMZ, “Lindsay knew her lines cold and her timing was perfect. She was really funny.” Lindsay was also described as “incredibly nice” and some idiot said her first day’s performance “proved she has talent. You watch her and you know why she became a star.” Well, that was the first day of work. For the second day, El Cracko made an appearance and it wasn’t pretty:

After two days of tardiness, it appears that Lindsay Lohan is at least going to make it to Brazil on time. The 26-year-old actress was spotted at LAX tonight to catch her flight—and we wonder if her ears were burning.

A source from the Anger Management set exclusively tells E! News that, by the time Lohan was done shooting her guest spot on Charlie Sheen’s FX comedy, the cast (Sheen included) and crew were thinking that hiring her wasn’t worth the aggravation, despite her considerable acting talent.

“She was a colossal pain in the ass,” the source says. “It’s a shame, because when she actually gets on camera she is good and has comedic timing. But she comes with so much luggage it’s not worth it.”

“The first day was fine,” notes the insider. “She showed up early and did her job.”

But, the source adds, “from the moment she arrived yesterday she did nothing but hold up the production. She would sit in her trailer and stall and she delayed until she up and left for her boyfriend’s concert…She held everyone hostage.”

At one point, the source adds, they were “so pissed they almost called police to escort her” off the set.

The feeling, however, apparently wasn’t mutual: Lindsay tweeted yesterday, “I just had such a wonderful day on set of #angermanagement with @charliesheen & @LIGHTAARON @SaveTheSociety @jazejazz7 and the entire crew!”

An insider from Lohan’s camp, meanwhile, refutes the accusations, claiming to E! News that Sheen was happy with the actress’ work and that any insinuations that Lohan deliberately held up the production were wholly untrue.

E! News first reported that, that Lohan—who arrived early on Monday—was on time to the set Tuesday but then ran behind for almost all of her scenes.

After originally only being scheduled to shoot Monday and Tuesday, Lohan had to return to the set to finish up today. She worked “a couple hours” and left, a source says.

A rep for Sheen, whose scenes with Lohan included a snuggly bedroom encounter, had no comment.

[From E! News]

Here’s the thing: while I totally enjoy hearing and reading stories of Lindsay’s crazy, unprofessional, crackheaded antics, at this point I have absolutely NO sympathy for anyone that hires her. I mean, cry me a river, dumbasses. What the hell did you think was going to happen when you hired someone who caused a cracktastrophe every single time she’s been able to beej her way into a job for the past SIX YEARS? Did you think, “Well, Charlie Sheen is pretty crackie but he shows up on time, so maybe Lindsay will too?” NO. That never happens.

And guess what? CRACK BUTT. Seriously, though, Lindsay crack-heisted some jewelry from the Anger Management set because OF COURSE SHE DID. E! News reports, “According to sources, Lohan also left the set with ‘bracelets’ from the wardrobe department. The reason behind that is not yet known.” El Cracko strikes again! How ever will The Crack Burglar be caught?!

Oh, and here’s the behind-the-scenes video of Lohan on the Anger Management set. I really think she just got this gig because Charlie loves everything about her. Think about it – she’s exactly his type. She looks like a busted 40-something hooker/p0rn star and she makes all of her payments in beejs. And she’s absolutely crazy and a total famewhore. She is Charlie’s perfect woman.

Photos courtesy of Deadline, Fame/Flynet.

If you’ve been on Hollywood Life at all this week, you know that Robert Pattinson has returned from Australia and he and Kristen Stewart are back to being loved-up all over the place. I guess Kristen deserves a slow-clap for that, maybe? Because I thought FOR SURE Sparkles was over it and he wanted to dump her, but it looks like they’re still hanging out and spending a lot of time together. But here is the most bizarre twist I’ve ever heard: is Kristen also spending time with Lindsay Lohan?!!? Page Six claims Lindsay Lohan “has found an unlikely ally” with Kristen and LL has been chilling out with Sparkles and K-Stew lately.

Lindsay Lohan has found an unlikely ally in her quest to be better understood by the public and the media — Kristen Stewart. We have exclusively learned Lohan, who’s refusing to go to court-ordered rehab until after Coachella, is hanging out with her.

A source told us, “They met through one of Lindsay’s friends who also knows Kristen. Lindsay was invited up to Kristen’s house last week, and they hung out with Robert Pattinson, who was back from filming in Australia.”

The source said the women found they had a lot in common: “Lindsay and Kristen discussed their careers, creative ideas and how they deal with living under the focus of the media and the paparazzi.”

[From Page Six]

For the love of God. I’m going to give Kristen some credit here – I try to do that ocassionally! – and say that this Page Six story comes entirely from Camp Crackie and that this is Lindsay’s cracked-out interpretation of Kristen maybe saying hello to Lindsay once in passing. I really don’t think Kristen or Rob would want to spend any significant time with the Titanic cracktastrophe that is Lindsay Lohan. AT ALL. This is probably what happened: Lindsay heard that Kristen and Rob were at some club or something, so she crack-stalked them and “showed up”. As soon as K-Stew and Rob saw that she was there, they left, barely exchanging pleasantries beyond “Hey.” And somehow that became “Lindsay and Kristen discussed their careers, creative ideas and how they deal with living under the focus of the media and the paparazzi” in someone’s crack-addled mind.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Would it surprise you to learn that Lindsay Lohan is a cracked-out homewrecker? No? It really shouldn’t surprise you. Remember Lindsay’s sketchy situation with Vikram Chatwal? He’s the millionaire hotelier who has funded Lindsay’s lifestyle on and off for a few years. During those years, Vikram was married (although somewhat estranged from his wife, but the wife was still around and Lindsay had a crack hissy fit about it). And I’m sure there have been other married or “taken” men in Lindsay’s past, only no one really cares about it because being a “homewrecker” is seriously the least of Lindsay’s bad qualities. Plus, at the end of the day, if your man willingly sleeps with the Cracken, I’m sorry to tell you that you really shouldn’t be with that dude. That’s SO gross. So it’s kind of funny to me that Radar/Star is trying to make the “homewrecker” thing stick:

Lindsay Lohan has been labeled “a homewrecker” by a woman who claims the Mean Girls actress stole her former fiance, according to an exclusive new report in Star magazine. Aesha Waks alleges that troubled Lindsay, 26, hooked up with her boyfriend of five years, Liam McMullan last December.

“Lindsay destroyed my world,” a distraught Aesha tells Star. “I am devastated and still love him, but he says he wants to be with her and save her.”

Aesha goes on to tell Star about how she found out that she had been kicked to the curb.

“I was supposed to spend Christmas day with Liam and his family, but he cancelled,” Aesha reveals.

“A few days later, Liam finally got in touch and said that he and Lindsay had formed a ‘deep spiritual relationship.’ He admitted that he had actually been with Lindsay on Christmas, lying in bed for hours together.”

When reached for comment, McMullan shot down Waks’ homewrecking claims, telling Star they had already split before he started hooking up with Lohan.

To read the full shocking story, pick up the new issue of Star magazine — on newsstands Thursday.

[From Radar]

OMG. I would be so embarrassed if I was that woman. What would you do if you were dumped in favor of the Cracken??! I would never show my face in public again. And I certainly wouldn’t try to make it into some kind of scandal by telling my story to Star Magazine, unless the point of all of this is to warm Liam McMullan’s future sex partners that he’s been infected with Cracken Syndrome. But I doubt that’s this woman’s goal. She just wants attention. Girl, you’re better off without him. Association with the Cracken is Dealbreaker #1.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet.

I completely forgot that Coachella was coming up. It will probably be the second week of April, maybe? Sorry, hippies, Coachella is barely on my radar – I’m old and I don’t care for music festivals, Porto-potties, Gerard Butler slobber or overpriced bottles of water. Although I probably would have liked last year’s Hologram Tupac. I am genuinely sorry I didn’t see that. Anyway, Coachella is coming up very soon and wouldn’t you know, our favorite cracktastrophe wants to make sure that she doesn’t check into rehab and miss the amazing Crackella festival.

During the last minute plea talks between Lindsay Lohan‘s attorney, Mark Heller, and prosecutors handling her lying to cops case, the wayward actress told him to keep her out of rehab until AFTER the Coachella music festival so she could attend, RadarOnline.com is exclusively reporting.

“Lindsay was adamant that she not be forced to go to rehab until after the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival in the Palm Springs area on successive weekends in April. Lindsay LOVES going to the musical festival, and she’s determined to go this year. She didn’t want a little thing like rehab to get in her way of attending. Linds refused to sign off on any deal that would have prevented her from going to Coachella, period. Yes, it’s that important to her, for some strange reason,” a source told RadarOnline.com exclusively.

Perhaps Lilo’s new romance with musician and club promoter, Avi Snow, has made the Mean Girls star,26, even more resolute in her determination to go to the concerts.

Lohan has attended the Coachella music festival in 2010, 2011, and 2012. This year’s festivities take place on April 12, 14, 19, 21, and the line-up includes the Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Lumineers, Moby, and the Airborne Toxic Event.

Avi was said to be on the Mr. Pink private jet that flew Lindsay to Los Angeles early Tuesday morning for her day in court. And after Lindsay posed for her latest mug shot, she hot-footed it to City of the Sun’s show at private club 41 Ocean in Santa Monica.

As we previously reported, during a plea deal that Lohan reached last week in her lying to cops case, the actress was ordered to enroll in a rehab facility, by no later than mid-May. This will be Lohan’s SIXTH trip to rehab since 2007, and she’s spent a total of 250 days getting treatment for alcohol and prescription drug abuse.

“Lindsay will be treated for prescription drug and alcohol addiction during her stay,” a source previously told Radar. “Lindsay’s prescription drugs of choice are Adderall and Xanax, and in addition, she consumes large amounts of alcohol — specifically, vodka. The main problem when it comes to Lindsay ever getting sober is her absolute denial that she has any substance abuse issues. Once again, she is only going to rehab purely because it’s a slightly more attractive alternative than going to jail. Of course, there is hope that once Lindsay is undergoing treatment she will recognize that she does in fact have a problem — but given her history, it’s very doubtful.”

The saddest aspect of “Lindsay’s criminal history is that it’s all traced back to her addiction issues. Everyone around Lindsay has tried to get her sober — her father Michael, three judges, two prosecutors, and two criminal defense attorneys. She is in absolute denial about her addiction issues and doesn’t want to get sober. It’s just not a lifestyle she wants,” the insider told us.

[From Radar]

I wonder if the prosecution knew that Lindsay was drawing out the negotiations because she wanted to get blitzed at a music festival? Probably. It’s LA. The prosecutor was probably like, “Dude, can I get a ride?” But I’ll tell you one weird thing… I make a lot of “jokes” about Lindsay being a prostitute and how she gets “work” but the idea of a wayward hooker at the Coachella festival doesn’t really jive. Meaning… I think she’s going to Coachella for FUN, not because she’s being “paid”. Does that make it better?

Also – Lindsay was actually early to Anger Management set yesterday. She showed up before her 10 am call time! No worries, I’m sure it was just an accident.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

After last year’s Oscars ceremony — which was disastrously hosted by James Franco and Anne Hathaway — it was widely speculated that after Franco had completely given up and phoned it in, Anne was (understandably) upset about having to carry the whole show. Indeed, Us Weekly spoke to a source who claimed the two hosts grew to “hate each other” during rehearsals, and that feeling continued throughout the live program itself. Then James threw a big post-show hissy fit and hopped on a plane to New York, thereby skipping his own after party because he was so upset about the entire affair. Because it wasn’t ART at all.

Now Franco, who is still inexplicably promoting Spring Breakers, has given an interview to Howard Stern, who wanted to know all about what Franco thought of Hathaway in light of both last year’s co-hosting debacle and this year’s Oscar-win backlash. As far as Franco’s answer is concerned, let’s just say the douche still shines through the feigned attempt at diplomacy. Oh, and he talks a little bit about turning down Lindsay Lohan’s offer for a blowie. Or something like that:

James Franco says he made up with Anne Hathaway after hosting the Oscars — but we’ll see if that lasts after his recent appearance on Howard Stern’s Sirius XM radio show! The Spring Breakers actor was questioned by Stern on Monday, March 25 about his relationship with Hathaway after their highly-criticized 2011 Oscar hosting gig.

“I’m happy to revisit this, but you’re going to have to take the lead,” Franco, 34, warned Stern. “If you’re going to talk about it, you’re going to have to give your opinions . . . She does not want me talking about this, but okay.”

“Everyone sort of hates Anne Hathaway, and I’ve explained that I do too and I don’t know even know why sometimes,” Stern explained. “She’s just so affected [and] actress-y that even when she wins an award she’s out of breath, and then she has the standard joke that sounds like it’s [been] written [for her]. And it all seems so scripted and acted.”

“She comes off like the goody two-shoes actress and it’s just fun to sort of hate her,” the radio host added. “Hate is a strong word . . . but [I] dislike her, even though she is a great actress. Is that accurate?”

“I’m not an expert on — I guess they’re called ‘Hatha-haters’– but I think that’s what maybe triggers it,” Franco agreed.

“Are you still friendly with her?” Stern asked.

“We haven’t talked in a while,” the Oz the Great and Powerful actor admitted of his relationship with the now Oscar-winning actress. But he later added, “Anne and I made up, by the way. Let’s just get that on the record.”

“It was a really hard time after the Oscars,” Franco added. “She wasn’t mad at me, I don’t think . . . she didn’t say she was mad at me for what happened . . . The critics were so nasty.”

Franco also addressed reports that he turned down having sex with troubled actress Lindsay Lohan. “I don’t want to like brag about it,” he said. “I don’t know how that got out.”

“She was having issues even then, so you feel weird,” Franco explained. “Honestly, she was a friend. I’ve met a lot of people that are troubled and sometimes you don’t want to do that.”

What’s his relationship status now? “Let’s say I’m dating,” he shared. “I’m getting older. I would like a long-term relationship.”

[From Us Weekly]

Well, of course Lindsay probably offered to have sex with James. Doesn’t she basically offer the same to anyone who can get her a gig or possibly give her tax-free sums of money? This probably happened while James was shooting that arty REM video starring Lohan’s lips, and while he claims to have initially tried to save her from himself, I guess there’s some things that super multitasker James Franco can’t just can’t do in life.

Oh, and James also asked his grandma to make a video asking everyone to go see her brilliant grandson in Spring Breakers. Sorry grandma, but I’m gonna pass on that one.

Photos courtesy of NBC, Hollywood Reporter, and WENN

Did you know I was actually trying to avoid writing about Lindsay Lohan for a few days? I needed a break because it’s gotten to the point where her crackiness really bothers me. She’s been in LA since her plea deal one week ago, and she’s pretty much been partying non-stop. Go here to see some of the latest photos of Lindsay looking drunk/high/crackie while leaving a “private club” in Santa Monica. So… let’s see if we can get all of this done in one post. Some highlights from several days’ worth of Cracken news:

*Lindsay has scored a “HUGE paycheck” to promote a clothing line in Brazil this week. For whatever reason, Lindsay has another five weeks or so to check herself into rehab, so she’s spending that time partying, clubbing and of course, leaving the country. TMZ claims LL got a “low six-figure payday” to fly to Brazil to promote this clothing line. And that’s not all! She’s going to be filming scenes for Charlie Sheen’s Anger Management this week too.

*As I said, Lindsay is still partying like crazy. “Sources” tell TMZ that Lindsay has been knocking back vodka sodas at her Beverly Hills hotel and when she was in San Diego a few nights ago, she kept ordering vodka on the rocks all night but “Lindsay specifically request that vodka be served from a glass carafe … this way the table would not have any alcohol bottles on it.” Because of course.

*Lindsay keeps telling everyone she knows (at TMZ) that she does not have a substance abuse problem and she does not need professional help. She’s also complaining to everyone she knows that it sucks she’ll be in rehab for her 27th birthday on July 2. Sources tell TMZ that Lindsay had “big birthday plans” involving a huge party in NYC.

*Lindsay is still boning that dude named Avi Snow.

*Lindsay’s assistant Gavin is going to testify today about whether or not Mark Heller “tampered” with him as a witness.

*Remember how Lindsay punched that fortune teller Tiffany Mitchell in NYC? Radar says the New York DA has declined to prosecute Lindsay for assault. Gloria Allred is representing Mitchell, and Allred is already giving statements to the press, so you know this isn’t the end of anything. Allred is basically insinuating that Mitchell will end up suing Lindsay for damages in civil court. Which should be funny.

*Remember how Lindsay’s incompetent lawyer Mark Heller told the judge that Lindsay wants to do her 90 days of “lockdown rehab” in New York? Well, guess what? Crack butt. TMZ says “there appear to be no non-jail rehab facilities that will keep patients in against their will — anywhere in the U.S.” and in New York specifically the only way to be “locked down” in anything resembling rehab is to have a felony conviction for something. Which could totally be arranged. TMZ says there are no lockdown facilities in California either.

*So, what does this “no lockdown rehab” thing mean? TMZ says: “Lindsay’s actual sentence is 90 days in jail, but the judge said he’d allow her to complete it with lockdown rehab. Sources say the prosecutors believed such a facility was available when they offered the plea deal. It would seem a typical 90-day rehab program wouldn’t cut it. Lindsay has been there at least twice before. She constantly snuck out of Cirque Lodge in Utah and allegedly did the same thing at Betty Ford in California.” So… prosecutors are trying to figure it out, and jail is still on the table.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet.

I love/hate how some media outlets still pretend that Lindsay Lohan is still some kind of A-list woman who can have her pick of whatever dude she wants. Like, we’re supposed to pretend that Lindsay is forever frozen in 2004 amber, before she was this cracktastrophe we see before us. Some outlets are always up for reporting on Lindsay’s latest “boyfriend” and I just think we’ve gotten to the point where everyone is like, “You mean her new john, right?” Well, Lindsay’s latest john/boyfriend is allegedly some dude named Avi Snow. He’s 26 years old, he’s a guitar player for City of the Sun and PLEASE go buy his album so he can stop stunt-dating the Cracken, okay? A source told E! News that their relationship is in “the early stages” but another source says that Avi and LL aren’t really dating. You don’t say.

Here’s something altogether dirtier though – Fox News has a fascinating piece about Lindsay’s association with the Heller family. Apparently, her lawyer Mark Heller isn’t the only Heller she’s involved with legally – Mark Heller’s son Mike makes all sorts of “arrangements” for Lindsay’s “branding”.

For weeks, many have been scratching their heads and wondering why Lindsay Lohan dumped her California court-ace attorney Shawn Holley, for the once non practicing New York lawyer Mark Heller. But as it turns out, her Heller bond extends far beyond the court house.

The troubled actress has long been friends and business associates with Mark Heller’s son Michael, a prominent Hamptons club promoter turned entrepreneur. Her lawyer’s son works to stage celebrity photo ops and brand-related party appearances. Meaning, Heller Jr. is seemingly the one providing the once promising film star with a means of income now that her movie career is pretty much non-existent.

“Mike books gigs for Lindsay and they’ve known each other for a long time,” a Lohan camp insider told FOX411′s Pop Tarts column. “She’s not likely to part ways with his father [attorney Mark Heller] anytime soon, because of her strong ties to his son. Without brand promotion, Lindsay would be in a lot deeper financial trouble.”

And apparently, Heller’s son knows how to deliver when the going gets tough. We’re told the younger Heller, who is founder, president and CEO of Talent Resources, was the one who worked his magic and coordinated the Mr. Pink private jet to ensure Lohan made it to court on Monday.

“I can’t comment on that,” the younger Heller told us. “All her deals are confidential.”

According to the Talent Resources website, the New York-based firm “provides a full-service marketing and creative strategy development” and essentially brings brands and big names together for organic PR purposes. It lists Lindsay Lohan as one of the celebrities the company works with, in addition to a slew of other hot commodities including Miley Cyrus, Zac Efron, Olivia Munn and Kim Kardashian.

Last year, Michael Heller told The Hollywood Reporter that he worked both as Lohan’s entertainment lawyer and manager, and it wasn’t until she went off to rehab that he realized he could make the celebrity/brand marriage a fully-fledged business. Back in the day, he coordinated deals for the then-20-year-old star to do traditional ad campaigns for Miu Miu and Jill Stuart, and cut down on her cigarette smoking by always toting smokeless tobacco product Ariva. And he still hustles for her today.

“We still work with Lohan but not as a manager, but as a broker,” Mike Heller confirmed, explaining that his company bridges the gap between talent and brands.

Heller added that Lohan has known his attorney father for over a decade and their relationship is nothing new.

“When she had her [New York] legal situation [an alleged bar brawl last November] she brought him on as her attorney and was extremely happy with the result. She felt safe and very comfortable with him and decided to replace her LA legal team and have my dad cover as her main lead attorney,” Mike Heller said. “She had seen a lot of his legal wins through the years and knew many people he worked with and how happy they were with his counseling.”

And despite speculation to the contrary, Lohan is said to be beyond satisfied with her current legal representation.

“She is extremely happy with him and never gave up on him no matter what the media twisted and said about my father. She trusted him and now is happy she listened to her gut instinct because he got her a way, way better deal than she was originally being offered,” younger Heller said, noting that the now persistent stories of “witness tampering” directed at his father are totally “fake.”

“But at the end of the day it’s about the results,” he told us. “And my dad got them.”

Yet regardless of what happens, our Lohan insider said the “Liz & Dick” star isn’t likely to turn her back on the Heller family.

“Lindsay and Mike go way back. He even introduced her to [former girlfriend] Samantha Ronson,” added our source. “There’s no way she would let him down by ditching his dad. But essentially, it is Mike who keeps that whole connection alive.”

A rep for Lohan did not immediately respond to a request for comment.

[From Fox News]

Ooooh, so much delusion, so many double entendres. “Works to stage celebrity photo ops and brand-related party appearances” = offers Lindsay-beejs to Mr. Pink’s owners. “All her deals are confidential” = we can’t just give away the names of Lindsay’s johns! “But at the end of the day it’s about the results” = Yes, Mark Heller is just as crackie as his client and he got her the same deal that prosecutors were offering all along! This is such a mess. But at least it’s good to know that Dina Lohan isn’t Lindsay’s main pimp.

Oh, and this was in Page Six this morning.

Lindsay Lohan’s court-ordered date with rehab isn’t stopping the fallen starlet from making high-flying plans before she’s required to report to a facility May 2. A flabbergasted source close to Lohan told us: “Lindsay’s pre-rehab plan? A week with Charlie Sheen in LA, then she wants to go to Brazil. I kid you not.” Her plans with Sheen include a guest appearance on his FX series, “Anger Management.” The job next week will take two days to shoot, though we hear Lohan will stay in LA for at least an additonal week after copping a plea Monday to spend 90 days in a rehab to avoid jail. In the “Anger” episode with Sheen, “He’s a therapist, and she’ll play a patient who falls in love with him,” Lohan’s lawyer Mark Heller told Page Six. Heller didn’t get back to us about her Brazil plans. And as for reports that the “Liz & Dick” star went to 41 Ocean in Santa Monica on Wednesday night to see her new boyfriend, Avi Snow, perform, Heller said, “Lindsay is a beautiful young woman who has many pursuers and many boyfriends.”

[From Page Six]

So shady. SO SHADY.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet.

I’m still playing catch-up on the multitude of post-court Lindsay Lohan stories, so I apologize for not covering everything as it comes in, but truly, if we did that, we’d have like 10 Lohan posts a day. Here’s an interesting story which I’m not sure I believe: Lindsay allegedly wanted the rehab deal because she did not want to go to jail OR do house arrest with an ankle monitor. Lindsay didn’t choose rehab because she thinks she has a substance abuse problem, according to TMZ’s “sources” (who all have the last name “Lohan”). Apparently, Lindsay “chose” rehab because “it will allow her to focus on herself without any distractions.” Bitch, what have been doing all this time?!

Hilariously enough (if you laugh when you see Lady Justice being molested by a crackhead), just a few hours after her court appearance was over, Lindsay headed out to a club, of course. She had someone drive her to AV Nightclub while she hid in the backseat, covered with a blanket. But Lindsay didn’t even enter the club because there were too many photographers around.

Lindsay Lohan isn’t going to let a little thing like rehab keep her away from the Hollywood party scene!

The 26-year-old actress could barely keep her eyes open in court on Monday morning after missing her red-eye flight from New York and hopping on billionaire pal Mr. Pink‘s private jet to arrive 48 minutes late to her 8:30 a.m. court hearing in Los Angeles — where she struck a last-minute plea deal and was sentenced to 90 days inpatient rehab treatment — but she hit up Hollywood’s AV Nightclub that same night.

Arriving in the backseat of Mr. Pink’s Escalade, Lindsay was wearing a black leather jacket but tried to hide by laying down and covering her head with a blanket.

Not a fan of the unwanted attention, Lindsay never got out of the car and after 15 minutes of the paparazzi snapping photos the Escalade backed out of the alley and the Mean Girls star never made it into the club.

As RadarOnline.com exclusively reported on Monday, Lindsay refused a 30-day house arrest deal because she didn’t want to wear a drug and alcohol monitoring SCRAM bracelet.

“Judge Dabney offered the possibility of a 30 day house arrest sentence but insisted that as part of the deal Lindsay would have to wear a SCRAM bracelet which detects any consumption of alcohol or drugs,” a source close to the situation told Radar.

“Prosecutors were absolutely stunned Lohan turned down the offer, and chose instead to go to a lock down rehab for 90 days!”

And even though Lindsay is to serve 90 days in rehab, this might not be the last time we see her out partying at the clubs because she’s got until May 2 to prove she’s enrolled in a treatment center.

[From Radar]

See, Lindsay doesn’t count that as clubbing, so in her mind, she’s a perfect angel. I mean, sure, she actually made a conscious decision to go out clubbing the same day that she pleaded no contest to lying to the police and a judge ordered her to lock-down rehab, and she actually got in the car and made an effort to “hide” from the paps, but she didn’t even have a drink! IT DID NOT COUNT. Unless you’re counting all the pre-partying she did before she even left the house. Unless you count the backseat flask. Unless you count the bump she did under the blanket.

Also – Fox News’ source claims that “Up until last week there was no way she was taking a plea deal, there was no way she was going to go back to rehab… It’s amazing that she came around.” The source says Lohan is in “full denial” about staying in rehab for a full three months and that “She doesn’t care… It isn’t that she is stupid. She just doesn’t get it.” Lohan already went in for booking & got released, of course. Here’s her latest mug shot:

If you want to see the video of Lindsay saying “OMG, I’ll kill you” to Mark Heller, go here. It’s pretty amazing.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet and WENN.

I’m really just writing up these stories because we finally got some decent photos of Lindsay Lohan inside the courtroom and good God, it’s even worse in still photos!!! I was watching the live hearing/plea arrangement thing yesterday, and I was actually startled by how awful LL looked in motion – she looked so washed out, strung out, and exhausted. And these still photos have just captured it completely. What is the world was she doing for the 48 hours preceding this court appearance? Was just doing line after line after shot after shot? She seriously looks like she’s coming down from something HARD.

Did you know there was a lot of confusion about what plea deals LL was offered before her court appearance yesterday? I’ve heard that the prosecutor insists that the deal she got was always the deal on the table, but Radar claims LL rejected a somewhat more lenient deal, with a source claiming, “Judge Dabney offered the possibility of a 30 day house arrest sentence but insisted that as part of the deal Lindsay would have to wear a SCRAM bracelet which detects any consumption of alcohol or drugs… Prosecutors were absolutely stunned Lohan turned down the offer, and chose instead to go to a lock down rehab for 90 days!” I can only imagine that LL thinks it will be easier to smuggle vodka and crack into “rehab” as opposed to having her body monitored for drugs and alcohol all the time.

Speaking of what Lindsay is and is not “on,” TMZ reports yet again that Lohan was totally drinking during her crash on the Pacific Coast Highway last year:

Now we know why prosecutors wanted Lindsay Lohan in lockdown rehab — she was driving with alcohol in the car at the time of the June crash.

TMZ has obtained a copy of the police report, in which the officer says after the crash a plastic water bottle was lying a few feet from the driver’s door. The officer picked up the bottle and noticed the water was amber colored. He smelled the liquid and says “it was an alcoholic beverage, possibly wine.”

The cop says, “It was my opinion that one of the occupants … was possibly in possession of the open container and discarded it shortly after the collision.”

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … they believe the bottle was Lindsay’s.

On top of that, the cop says when Lindsay arrived at the hospital, there was an odor of alcohol on her breath.

[From TMZ]

But… but… Mark Heller said that LL’s plea deal was a “validation” of her sobriety!!!! Why would a crackhead lie about being sober while pleading “no contest” to lying to the police about (drunk) driving down a major interstate? The mind is boggled. Quite honestly, I think we should just permanently tag her with an alcohol-monitoring anklet. Forever. At least then we’ll know for sure.

Speaking of Heller’s delusions, as I described in yesterday’s summary post, Heller almost got into a fist-fight with Michael Lohan outside of the courthouse. Heller gave a little press conference where he claimed the “validation” of Lohan’s sobriety (ha) and how she’s definitely not a crackhead (haha), and then Michael came at Heller like an attack dog, shouting threats and recriminations until Heller ran off. Then Michael thoughtfully stayed behind to do his own press conference, of course. He claimed Heller owes him $160,000 (I think?) and that Heller is an awful lawyer who kept his poor crackie client in the dark about the plea negotiations and then, the pièce de résistance, Michael claimed that Heller is now being investigated for witness tampering. My first thought was “Gavin” – LL’s former assistant who “rolled” on her, the same dude who flew to LA with Lindsay on the private plane. Turns out, my instincts were dead-on.

Lindsay Lohan’s attorney Mark Heller is in the crosshairs of a possible witness tampering investigation … after allegations surfaced that he tried to manipulate Lindsay’s former assistant into lying on the stand … TMZ has learned.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … the Santa Monica City Attorney will be launching an investigation and will interview Lohan’s ex-assistant Gavin Doyle tomorrow in the presence of police.

We’re told … prosecutors believe Heller may have approached Gavin and tried to get him to admit that he was the one driving the vehicle when Lohan’s Porsche crashed into a big rig on Pacific Coast Highway last summer.

TMZ has learned Gavin has told multiple people about the alleged witness tampering … including an officer of the court.

As for Heller, he has strongly stated that any accusation of witness tampering on his part is “crazy.”

[From TMZ]

Eh. There’s a fine line between witness prep and witness tampering, and I’m sure that line is crossed all the time when you’re talking about a lawyer as incompetent as Mark Heller. Surely they could find something more interesting to charge him with? Like, suborning perjury? That’s WAY sexier.

Photos courtesy of WENN.