I just went looking for all of those “leaked” images from Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy pictorial, and I found that almost every site had gotten a take-down notice, probably accompanied with threats from lawyers. So I won’t link to the “leaked” pictorial – we all remember what it looked like, right? The surprisingly good boobs, the Photoshopped “pointy” ass, the general sketchiness and budget-ness of the images. We remember. How could we forget? Anyway, it seems that once everyone looked at the photos, no one really cared enough to seek them out again in the form of the actual magazine. Yes, LL’s Playboy isn’t selling. Which is kind of awesome.

Amidst the holiday melee, shoppers aren’t rushing to pick up their copy of the much-talked about Lindsay Lohan issue of Playboy this week.

It was one thing to see Lohan’s nude Playboy spread when it was leaked on the Internet last week. It’s another experience entirely to see the 10 pages of photos in person in the magazine, which hit newsstands Friday.

But not many consumers are paying for that experience. In fact, interest seems low in seeing Lohan’s intensely air-brushed impersonation of Marilyn Monroe in glossy print. Fox411 spent Friday morning trolling the shelves of newsstands and gas stations from New York to Philadelphia only to be confronted with the same reality at each: Lohan’s glassy-eyed stare peaking above the backs of more family friendly fare, with no one staring back or making a purchase.

“No one has bought it,” was the resounding answer to our query at each stop.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise. Once the photos were leaked, the response to the spread, for which Playboy paid a reported $1 million, were lukewarm across the board.

“I’m not surprised at all. Despite Playboy’s hype, there was nothing particularly shocking or new about this shoot. While these shots may have been slightly closer to full frontal than Lindsay’s previous shots, they weren’t actually full frontal; there was also nothing particularly new about Lindsay dressing up as Marilyn Monroe,” says Lux Alptraum, editor of Fleshbot.com.

“I thought the shots were really boring and didn’t really live up to the promises Playboy had made,” Alptraum added. “If they’d actually gotten full frontal shots of Lindsay, or come up with a fresher, more interesting concept, there might have been more demand for the photos.”

In an exclusive interview with E! News Hugh Hefner himself admitted that he originally had doubts about including Lohan in the magazine and putting her on the cover.

“It really came as a surprise to me,” Hefner told E! “I kind of had mixed emotions about it initially, and then it turned into something bigger than life. “I wasn’t quite sure where she was at in her life, obviously. It depends on whether it’s Tuesday or Thursday.”

The Lohan pictorial was leaked online last week after a hacker found the pictures on a shared computer server. The leak spooked the magazine, which decided to move up their publication date and release the pictures on their own site to try to maximize sales in the wake of the leak.

“Because of the interest & the Internet leak, we’re releasing the Lindsay Lohan issue early,” Hef himself tweeted. Playboy reportedly printed thousands of extra copies of the magazine in anticipation of a rush on it.

The entire roll-out for the Lohan Playboy spread has been mired in disaster. After a travel snafu this week, Lohan was unable to make it back from a Hawaiian vacation in order to do her single interview for the shoot with talk show host Ellen DeGeneres. And now that the magazine has hit newsstands without a ton of fan fare, it appears Lohan won’t be giving any interviews about the spread.

Playboy did not return e-mails for comment on the pace of sales since the issue hit stands.

[From Fox News]

Hef said, “I wasn’t quite sure where she was at in her life, obviously. It depends on whether it’s Tuesday or Thursday.” He continued, “It depends on whether she needs money, or if she’s just come back from an international call girl tour. It depends on how much coke she snorted during the all-nighter. It depends on whether she’s been main-lining moonshine.”

But really, I’m just thankful that the public response to the pictorial was “meh.” It really was a disaster of a photo shoot, which makes sense, because LL is a disaster of a crackie. Now, if Playboy publishes the un-Photoshopped images at some point… those might sell. Just because people like to be grossed out.

Here are some photos of LL doing some “Christmas shopping” at Yves Saint Laurent on Friday:

Photos courtesy of WENN.

I don’t know how recent this is, but I think it’s a new story. Lindsay Lohan, crackie extraordinaire, has landed yet another “modeling” gig, this time with a brand called “Jag Jeans.” Yes, LL is a Jag… girl. The promotional copy reads like the drunken ramblings of Mother Crackhead: “As Jag Jeans’ newest endorser, Lindsay embodies the strength and fearlessness of the woman of today. She is unafraid to be who she is. She is fierce yet exudes feminine grace.” She is crackie yet exudes vodka fumes. She is unafraid to be a raging, delusional monster. She embodies crack drama and narcissism. Here’s more:

The Jag Jeans crew traveled to Los Angeles to shoot the style icon at the landmark SLS Boutique Hotel in Beverly Hills. Led by world-renowned photographer YuTsai, who has spearheaded photo shoots for such international celebrity beauties as Anne Hathaway, Mila Kunis, Rihanna and Janet Jackson, it was clear that the spread for Jag Jeans was going to be once again artistic and edgy.

And Lindsay did not disappoint.

Like a woman who knows what she wants, Lindsay worked closely with Jag’s stylist Maya Krispin, who has styled Tinseltown’s biggest names like Katy Perry, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, to personally select her wardrobe for every spread.

Lindsay was so involved with the shoot that she would go as far as adjusting items on the set. She even requested scissors so she could personally fray the edges of her black crepe blouse because she believed it would look better that way. Lindsay would take a hands-on approach to her shots, as she was more than willing to change her hairstyle during mid-shoot and even used her own personal jewelry and accessories when needed.

Lindsay was impressed by Jag’s Push Up Skinny Jeans and Flared Jeans, and even asked if she could keep a peach top and the denim shorts she used during the shoot.

With Lindsay’s appeal, lensman YuTsai’s intricate eye for detail, stylist Maya’s heightened fashion sense and the Philippe Starck-designed SLS hotel as its canvas, the shoot stamped Jag Jeans mark as an international brand to be reckoned with.

[Via press release]

The Jag people also not that LL wore her own diamond Cartier bracelets in one shot, and she apparently claimed they were “a special gift.” Which is her way of saying that she crack-heisted them, correct?

As for the quality of the jeans, the quality of the ad campaign and the quality of LL as a model… well, she shilling denim booty shorts, and they shot it at a Beverly Hills hotel because LL can’t leave the state without completing her community service. It’s never going to be high-class, you know?

Photos courtesy of Jag Jeans.

As you may remember, Lindsay Lohan treats her court appearances like runway shows. She always leaks the details and designer IDs to TMZ too, so we know immediately that she’s wearing Lanvin or Chanel or what have you, even though pretty much every expensive designer piece looks totally bargain-basement tacky-ass on LL. It doesn’t help that she doesn’t adhere any of my general style rules for court appearances – go here to review. She usually looks like a day hooker who got busted by a corrupt undercover cop, and the hooker has to appear in the “judge’s chambers” to work out a plea deal.

Anyway, yesterday’s court appearance was kind of different, though. TMZ did not got the details on LL’s outfit, so I have no idea whether her ensemble is designer or anything. Plus, LL was covered up. Mostly. I hate to admit that I actually like her cardigan. It’s cute, and I wouldn’t have rolled up the sleeves, but it’s a nice, neutral piece. The pants are pretty wrong – that’s some really dated, ’80s-style pleating. But should we give LL some credit for not showing off her saggy jugs and not wearing anything made of latex? Eh.

By the way, during the hearing, Judge Sautner specified LL’s rules for traveling out of the state of California while on probation. Sautner told her, “There seems to have been some confusion on whether or not you were allowed to take vacation outside the state. Ms. Mansfield apparently thought your sister’s birthday was a holiday… In any month in which you finish your 12 days early, you may then travel.” So… LL needs to get 12 days done soon before she goes on some crackie jaunt to God knows where.

PS… I’m adding closeups of her crackface because it’s so amazingly gross. I really can’t believe what she’s done to herself. And the worst part is that she thinks she looks awesome. Bitch thinks she’s got this.

Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame, Pacific Coast News.

Here is your Open Post for Linnocent’s court date this morning/afternoon. She’s supposedly due at the courthouse any minute, but there should be significantly less drama with this appearance than with her last few appearances. For one, Radar and TMZ are in agreement that LL has been in full compliance with the terms of her structured probation. This appearance is just so that the lawyers can update the judge on the situation, a progress report of sorts, and I doubt the meeting will last very long.

TMZ’s (planted) report this morning is all about how well LL is doing with this structured probation – sources say “Lindsay logged the requisite number of hours of community service and morgue duty, and she’s actually put in more therapy time than required. And sources tell us … her supervisor at the morgue is blown away, calling her work ‘stellar,’ and saying she’s ‘a delight to work with and hard working.’” As I said yesterday, I’ll buy that LL is doing the work right now. We’ll see about next month, and the month after that. She’s an itchy, twitchy crackhead who loves crack drama. She’ll mess up soon enough.

UPDATE: Well, that was over fast. I told you it would just take a minute. TMZ reports:

Lindsay appeared in court today for her probation progress report. A very surprised Judge Stephanie Sautner began by saying, “Miss Lohan, you have actually done your work.”

The judge noted Lindsay actually completed her 12 days of community service early. And she went to an extra therapy session — 5 instead of the required 4. The judge also said the morgue was pleased by the work Lindsay has done there, “At least as pleased as a morgue can be.”

Judge Sautner said there was some confusion over whether Lindsay was allowed to go to Hawaii last week, but ultimately the Judge said it was ok, because she was celebrating her sister’s birthday and she was allowed to go out of state for family events.

Lindsay is due back in court next month, but so far, so good.

[From TMZ]

Yeah, everything went well. Crackie behaved herself, she didn’t look like the wrath of God, and she didn’t get yelled at by the judge. Good show.

Some screencaps of her appearance:

Photos courtesy of WENN.

These are photos of Lindsay Lohan arriving at LAX in the early evening yesterday. As soon as she arrived, she jaunted off to a Jay-Z concert. In yesterday’s Lindsay Lohan post, I asked when LL was due back in LA after her cracked-out Hawaiian jaunt. As it turns out, she was supposed to fly back to LA yesterday morning, but the dumb crackie missed her flight. Of course. Not only did she miss the early flight, she ended up standing up Ellen DeGeneres in what was supposed to be the ONE television appearance to “debut” her Playboy cover. Dumb crackhead.

Alec Baldwin isn’t the only one having travel issues these days. Lindsay Lohan, who was scheduled to return from her hit-and-miss Hawaiian vacation today, missed her flight back to Los Angeles that would have had her back in town in time for a scheduled taping of The Ellen DeGeneres Show.

But more importantly, Lohan’s due in court bright and early tomorrow. She doesn’t need a passport to get back to the mainland, so what can the problem be—and will it keep her from her date with Judge Stephanie Sautner?!

“Lindsay had a travel-related issue arise that took a few hours to sort out,” rep Steve Honig tells E! News. “It has been resolved and she will be back in Los Angeles in time for her court appearance.”

A source also tells us that Lohan, after missing a morning flight, is booked on an afternoon flight and hopes to be back late Tuesday.

The community-servicing actress is due in court Wednesday at 9:30 a.m. for another checkup as to how she’s been handling the terms of her probation.

Sautner ordered her to complete at least 12 days of work at the L.A. County morgue by her hearing date—and Lohan’s done that, so we’re not expecting too much tap-dancing on the part of Playboy’s latest cover girl.

[From E! News]

Us Weekly just says that LL “canceled” the appearance on Ellen, and a rep for Ellen confirms that LL missed her flight. So… was it a “cancellation” or a cracktastrophe? You know what I mean? Did LL consciously choose to NOT make an appearance on Ellen – for whatever reason – and her excuse was “missing a flight” or did she honestly miss the flight – for whatever reason – and she really wanted to be on Ellen? LL’s rep tells Gossip Cop, “Lindsay offered to tape ‘Ellen’ tomorrow, but the show was unable to shift things around, and tomorrow is their last day of taping for the season.” But an insider at Ellen tells GC, “Not a call or an apology from Lindsay.” Dumb crackie.

As for poor, trashy Steve Honig’s statement, let me translate this: “Lindsay had a travel-related issue arise that took a few hours to sort out. It has been resolved and she will be back in Los Angeles in time for her court appearance.” That means, “Lindsay was partying her crack off for days, and she was still too wasted to make a morning flight. She hadn’t even gone to bed because she was doing lines off of Pootie’s wang for hours. She’ll somehow manage to pull it together for her court appearance, meaning that she’ll stroll in, looking like a day-shift hooker, with a vial of coke in her purse. She will do some lines with some of the courthouse guards, she’ll look smug while the judge speaks, and then the party will continue.”

Photos courtesy of WENN, Pacific Coast News and Terry Richardson’s Diary.

Sigh… another day, another million stories about Lindsay Lohan’s crack drama. LL is still in Hawaii, where she’s getting “pap’d” only it’s really obvious that she’s just setting up these beach photo shoots. You can see some bikini photos of her here – the one of her saggy ass makes it really obvious that those Playboy pics were Photoshopped to the extreme. Also, you know how LL’s purse was “stolen” a few nights ago? Well, there an audio recording of LL “freaking out” about her lost purse, and you can hear her crack logic at work as she tries to figure out how in the world someone took her $5000 purse with $10,000 inside from a Jeep with open windows. SHOCKING. At one point, she mutters, “I will f–king kill someone if I even have to get questioned… jail for a year.” Ah, crack dramz.

Meanwhile, Radar has a story about what might go down at LL’s progress hearing in front of the judge tomorrow. If she shows up… is she still in Hawaii? Is she flying back today?

Lindsay Lohan will be in court on Wednesday for a progress hearing in her theft case, and the Playboy hottie will have a glowing probation report, RadarOnline.com is exclusively reporting. So, could legal woes be a thing of the past for the Mean Girls star? According to our well place sources, the answer is, yes….hopefully!

“Judge Sautner gave Lindsay a new probation officer at her last court appearance. Her new probation officer is absolutely no nonsense, and she has seen it all. Lindsay has been a model probationer so far,” a source close to the actress tells RadarOnline.com. “Lindsay has made scheduled meetings with her probation officer, has completed her court ordered community service requirement of 12 days by the progress report hearing, and attended all her psychological counseling sessions. Lindsay has actually completed more than the basic requirement of 12 days, and she is ahead of schedule to finish her duties at the morgue by March 29, 2012.”

As RadarOnline.com previously reported, Lohan, 25, served approximately 4 1/2 hours of a 30 day sentence for violating terms of her probation because she failed to show on multiple occasions at the Downtown Women’s Center. Judge Sautner had ordered LiLo to perform the community service at a downtown women’s shelter after pleading no contest in her theft case. Because of rampant jail overcrowding in Los Angeles County, Lohan only had to serve a fraction of her sentence.

Judge Sautner formally sentenced Lindsay at the last progress report hearing on November 2 to complete 53 days of community service at the Los Angeles County Coroner’s Office, and attend 18 psychotherapy sessions.

Saunter is keeping Lindsay on a very tight leash, ordering her to complete a certain number of hours for community service, and psychotherapy sessions – monthly until March 29, 2012. Failure to do so would result in an automatic 270 day jail sentence, which the judge suspended, pending successful completion of her terms.

“Lindsay calls her probation officer back immediately whenever she calls her, if she doesn’t answer the phone. Lindsay has really stepped up and accepted responsibility for her actions,” the source says. “Lindsay is well liked at the coroner’s office, and she does whatever she is assigned to do, without complaining. For the first time in a very long time in Lindsay’s life, she is treated just like everyone else, which is exactly what she needs. She isn’t given any special perks nor has she asked for any.”

“It’s actually much more productive for Lindsay to be doing manual labor at the morgue, where they have suffered from budget cutbacks. If she were in jail, she would be in a cell for 23 of 24 hours a day, except for visits with her lawyer, or family. Lindsay couldn’t do janitorial work at jail because of the notoriety surrounding her, and it wouldn’t be safe for her or the other inmates.”

Meanwhile, the probation report will “recommend that Lindsay be allowed to remain on probation, because she is in compliance,” the pal says.

[From Radar]

I tend to believe this report – I think the Cracken has been following all of the rules and she’s been in full-compliance… this month. But maybe next month, or maybe the month after that… the old crackhead itch will start. LL is incapable of simply following the rules and adhering to a structure. She’s incapable of a long con – she doesn’t have the patience for it. She’s too crackie. She’ll mess up, just wait for it.

Photos courtesy of Fame and Pacific Coast News.

For the love of all that is holy… Lindsay Lohan has more crack drama. But the bitch is so stupid, she’s just repeating old crack dramas at this point. A few days ago, LL decided she needed a vacation – probably because she’s been working SO HARD at the morgue. So LL, Ali and Pootie flew to Hawaii – see photos here. Apparently, her probation officer said it was okay, and you know that LL has a court date this week too, so she traveled to Hawaii with the understanding that she would be back for her court date. Unfortunately, LL is a crackhead who creates her crack drama wherever she goes – she left her Chanel purse unattended and wouldn’t you know, it got stolen. OH NOES. How ever will she be able to make it back to California? How 2010 Cannes Film Festival of her.

Lindsay Lohan’s Hawaii vacation just got a whole lot more stressful — TMZ has learned, she got her purse stolen last night … containing everything from her passport to tons of cash.

Sources close to Lindsay tell TMZ, Linds had been at a house party in Laie, Hawaii for about two hours — NOT drinking — and accidentally left her $5,000 Chanel purse in the car. When she came out, the purse was gone.

According to sources, the purse contained her passport (and other ID), her probation paperwork — giving her permission to take the trip — and lots of cold hard cash … good idea.

But it gets crazier — Lindsay is due back in California court on Wednesday for a hearing about her probation. It’s extremely unlikely, but if she misses her court date, the judge could find her in contempt and revoke her probation, landing her in the pokey.

If it all sounds familiar — it’s because the same exact thing happened to Lindsay last year while she was in Cannes … ‘Memba that?

Kahuku Police are currently investigating the situation.

[From TMZ]

Wait until the bench warrant is issued, then suddenly her purse and her passport will no longer be “missing” and she’ll be able to fly home right away. Some of you were wondering why she’s carrying her passport – I was assuming it’s because of all of the drama with her driver’s license, right? She needs a photo ID to fly, so she’s probably just using her passport? Or she’s just carrying her passport because she’s a dumb crackie and why not? Whatever.

UPDATE: Yeah… the purse has been returned, minus $10,000 cash.

Lindsay Lohan’s purse has made it back to its rightful owner safe and sound — passport and everything — but sources tell TMZ, the thief kept one massive jackpot … $10,000 in cash.

TMZ broke the story … Lindsay’s $5,000 Chanel purse was stolen last night from a Hawaii house party — and inside the bag … her passport, important probation docs, and a boatload of cash.

Sources tell us, Lindsay stayed long after police left — driving the entire party into a frenzy for hours looking for the purse — and up until this morning, she had come up empty.

But that’s when one of her friend’s eyed a suspicious-looking local, and asked if he knew where the bag was. We’re told the local denied everything, but showed up with the bag minutes later … claiming he found it on the street somewhere.

We’re told Lindsay was so ecstatic to have the bag back, she didn’t bother asking questions — despite the missing $10,000.

Traveler’s checks, people.

[From TMZ]

Dumb crackie. You know that $10,000 was her drug budget. She’s such a stupid drama queen.

Would you like more excerpts from LL’s Playboy interview? They’re pretty bad:

“Sex and sexuality are a part of nature, and I go along with nature,” the Mean Girls star says of her in-the-buff photos, which are an homage to the late Monroe’s own iconic Playboy spread. “Knowing yourself and your body is so important because it gives you confidence, and in life, women need confidence.”

In the leaked pics, Lohan wears just a pair of a pumps, with her blonde locks in retro-style waves and with her lips a bright shade of vampy red.

“It’s a very male-dominated world to begin with, so knowing yourself and being comfortable with your body is an important thing for me as a woman. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but this is mine.”

The former Disney cutiepie, of course, hasn’t had the most confidence-building several years, as her movie roles dried up and she ran into frequent troubles with the law over her partying, her drug and alcohol abuse, a related DUI, subsequent probation violations, even the theft of an expensive necklace.

But, looking forward, she says she’s learned from those transgressions. “Ultimately we are each responsible for ourselves and for our actions,” says the star, who has dodged long-term jail sentences more than once. “Looking back, I probably would have listened to and taken more advice from the people whom I admire and would have followed through with it more.”

How did the real trouble begin? Muses Lohan: “My stubbornness at 18 and 19 years old got in the way. During the past five years, I’ve learned that time flies faster than you think, and because you only live once you have to learn from your mistakes, live your dreams and be accountable.”

[From Us Weekly]

“…because you only live once you have to learn from your mistakes, live your dreams and be accountable…” ??? Is she living her dream as an international call girl? Is anything about her cracked-out legal dramas about accountability? Does she ever learn from her “mistakes”?

Photos courtesy of WENN.

GO HERE to see Lindsay Lohan’s full NSFW Playboy pictorial. Just go and come back, because we have some things to discuss.

You see, I didn’t talk about Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy shoot on Friday for several reasons – first of all, the full photo shoot was leaked DAYS before Playboy wanted it released, and chances were that Playboy’s lawyers were considering lots of legal actions to get the images taken down, considering that most people wouldn‘t buy the magazine if they could see all of the firecrotchy images online – TMZ even reported that Playboy was “freaking out” because they stand to lose a lot of sales. However, it looks like Playboy has just decided that now that the leaks are already out there, they should just go with it. Hugh Hefner tweeted that LL‘s pictorial was going online early, the newsstand issues would be released earlier and that the issue “will make the perfect Christmas issue for men in your life – father, son, husband, boyfriend, whoever.”

Another reason I didn’t want to talk about it: Crackhead exhaustion. I mean, the “leaks” of the photo shoot are NOT some budget photos-of-photos crap – these are full-on quality scans of the actual magazine. Someone (cough) got their hot little crack hands on an advance of the mag, scanned the pages and released them. It’s such an obvious crackie move. She’s so obviously pleased with herself.

Now, shall we talk about the actual photo shoot? The shoot is based on the famous (infamous) Marilyn Monroe shoot with photographer Tom Kelley. In Marilyn’s shoot, she was very young and fresh-looking, lounging around on satin sheets, looking kittenish and rather adorable. The Cracken photos look like she’s been dipped in bleach and flea dip and then Photoshopped within an inch of her life. Don’t get me wrong – I was genuinely surprised that her body looks that good. Even if there is the motherlode of ‘Shop, LL’s got the basics for a bangin’ body. I was especially surprised with how pretty her boobs are, honestly.

BUT THE FACE. The face is rough. The face is trashy. The face is all kinds of terrible. Those horrible lips, that red lipstick, the lack of any real seduction or joy in her eyes. She’s just awful. Also – she didn’t show vadge. Does that matter? The shoot is just all T&A.

I also skimmed the “interview” with LL – I don’t even care enough to transcribe it. She compares herself to Marilyn, of course, and talks about how she was really mixed up when she was 18 and 19. No mention of 20-25. One quote: “I have no idea why there is this fascination with everything I do.” BECAUSE YOU’RE A CRACKHEAD MONSTER.

Photos courtesy of Fame, WENN.

For whatever reason, the tabloids are full of Lindsay Lohan stories this week. My theory for the sudden reemergence of The Cracken: she’s going to be everywhere promoting her Playboy cover in the hopes that her dusty firecrotch will bring her career relevance again. The Enquirer has a BS story about that too – something about Linnocent being prepared to do “anything” (wink, nudge, beej) to start working again. I know the report is BS because they claim LL is even prepared to dump Dina Lohan as her manager. That will never happen – Dina and the Cracken are forever intertwined now. They will never NOT coexist.

I’ll start with the Star Magazine story about LL’s 2008 “diary”. Radar already released some of this a few days ago – in January 2008, LL was writing in her diary non-stop about Heath Ledger being the “love of her life.” The print edition of Star had more details and diary entries, and I just want you to note how LL makes Heath’s death all about her. Her needs, her crack drama, her narcissism. It’s never NOT about Lindsay.

Jan. 22, 2008: “Today, Heath died. I’m in love with him… He was the love of my life. He taught me so much, and he was everything I’ve ever wanted and more. I want to hear him laugh and hold me. I crave his touch and care.”

She writes that she had plans to visit Heath in New York on Jan. 25: “He was going to meet my mom and everything.”

Lindsay reportedly broke down in tears at La Scala when she was informed of Heath’s death: When a person dies the world stops. I’m numb. There’s an emptiness. A whole [sic]. And a desire to feel loved. A need to be held in the arms of someone who understands. But what do you so when the one who understands is gone?”

“I’m sick. My vision is blurred and it’s like a black hole has surfaced overhead. It’s like a game of Jenga, and when one piece slips, it all falls apart. One pill, one sip and it goes down the slope, crashes and burns and it’s over. Why? I ask myself over and over. Cry is all I can do.”

More than a week after Heath’s death, on Jan. 31 2008, LL wrote: “Heath is a prime example of what this industry can do to someone. It craves to see someone fail… It brings enjoyment to us to watch one die. The tragedy and cravings for it can kill. And will. They have.”

[From Star Magazine, print edition]

The saddest/funniest line, in my opinion was, “He was going to meet my mom and everything.” Dina Lohan and Heath Ledger were going to meet… how would that have gone? Did Heath even know that was happening? Or was LL just some girl he boned and LL built up the one night stand like it was the most epic crack drama of her life? Life is totally like Jenga.

Meanwhile, the Enquirer also had excerpts from a new book that’s making the rounds. It was written by a man named Lee Weaver, who was a “Hollywood bodyguard” for more than 20 years. The book is Memoirs of a Celebrity Bodyguard, and Weaver details the year he spent on Cracken Detail:

Lee Weaver insists his worst client was Lindsay Lohan, whom he protected during most of 2007.

“When she was sober, she was charming. But when she’d done drugs or had been drinking, she was a demon!”

She once told Weaver: “I can dress like a princess and still fight like a whore.”

And one night she almost got them both killed. Weaver says she called him at 4 a.m. and asked him to take her to Beverly Hills to “pick up a script.” But when they got to the location, Lindsay approached a man waiting in the front yard and screamed: You ripped me off, you bastard!” With no warning, Lindsay “slapped him so hard that I almost felt it.” She then slapped him again, Weaver writes, and “before I could stop him, he held a gun to Lindsay’s face.”

Weaver moved in to save his client and found himself looking down the barrel of the gun. When a noise distracted the gunman, Weaver says he “punched that man as hard as I could in the side of his neck.”

The man went down and Weaver sped away in the car with Lindsay.

[From The National Enquirer, print edition]

“I can dress like a princess and still fight like a whore.” That’s her epitaph. That or “Move that headstone, I’m Lindsay Lohan!” Anyway, that story about Linnocent slapping some random – that’s her dealer, correct? Pretty much.

Photos courtesy of Fame.

Heath Ledger’s death in 2008 was a tragedy. It was a tragedy because the world lost a brilliant, talented, amazing actor who still had decades of performances left. It was a tragedy because a young girl lost her father, because Heath’s parents lost their son, because Heath lived a big life with a lot of friends, and his absence is still felt in their lives too.

Heath’s death was also a tragedy because now every random chick that he had a one night stand with thinks that she was his last great love. Let’s take Lindsay Lohan – LL has forced this postmortem connection to Heath for several years now. Evidence suggests that Heath and Lindsay did know each other in the months before his death. I will even guess that they had a sexual or romantic relationship, however brief. What I will not EVER believe is that LL and Heath had some great love affair, or that he wasn’t spending time with several different women before his death. But in Linnocent’s mind, Heath was her Joe DiMaggio (because she’s Marilyn Monroe).

Many mysteries still surround Heath Ledger’s 2008 death but a personal diary that Lindsay Lohan kept holds deep-rooted secrets, Star magazine is exclusively reporting via RadarOnline.com.

In a world exclusive, Star has obtained the private memoir of the 25-year-old actress penned at the time of the Brokeback Mountain star’s death in which she professed her love for the actor.

“Today Heath died,” Lindsay wrote with a pink pen on January 22, 2008. “I’m in love with him…. He was the love of my life. He taught me so much, and he was everything I’ve ever wanted and more.

“I want to hear him laugh and hold me. I crave his touch and care.”

The couple were so close that the Mean Girls star was even planning to visit Ledger in New York City just days after he died from an overdose of prescription drugs, Star exclusively reveals in the new issue.

Lindsay, who has famously battled her own demons with drugs and drink, broke down in tears when she heard the news that Heath had died. “When a person dies the world stops. I’m numb,” she wrote.

In a 2008 phone conversation obtained by RadarOnline.com, Lohan’s mom, Dina, told dad Michael that their daughter was “dating Heath when he died.”

[From Radar]

Yes, in taped conversations between Michael and Dina Lohan – in which they were both battling for Worst Parent of the Century – Dina did claim that LL was “dating” Heath before he died. But that’s second-hand information from a crackhead to another crackhead. There’s also the matter of how Radar/Star got their hands on “Lindsay’s Diary”. Is the crackie selling off her diaries now? Or is Dina selling off LL’s stuff in a cracked-out “fire sale”?

Photos courtesy of WENN.