I’m supposed to be writing about how this crackhead might be making millions of dollars for a post-jail interview, but I just saw that People Magazine put up one of their “Five Things To Know About” pieces… on Lindsay’s judge! Judge Marsha Revel is awesome, by the way. She’s 63 years old, and she grew up in Hollywood, where her mother was an assistant to real celebrities like Judy Garland. How awesome is that? The People piece is here.

Anyway, back to The Crackhead. PopEater reports that Lindsay’s first post-jail interview could be worth a ton of money, and that going to jail might be the best thing for her, financially (and crack-wise).

You can bet Lindsay Lohan will have plenty to say when she’s sprung from the joint later this summer, but if you want her for a TV interview you’d better have deep pockets! Sources tell me that deals are already in the works to secure Lindsay’s first post-jailhouse chat for a whopping $1 million. You heard right, a cool mil!

“Financially, it’s the best thing that could have ever happened to Lindsay,” a magazine insider tells me. “It’s no secret that Lindsay has been in financial trouble for a while. She will earn more money from her post-prison interview than she ever earned acting.”

Lindsay is not the first celebrity to turn her troubles into a cash cow. The New York Post reported that Paris Hilton was offered a million dollars for her post-prison interview back in June 2007. After a public outcry, however, several media outlets ultimately decided not to pursue Paris, forcing her to give her interview away to CNN’s Larry King for free.

Paid interviews, while routine in Europe, are still taboo here in the USA. The way major networks get around this is by engaging in “licensing” deals that provide compensation for the rights to personal material, most often video footage or photos.

Sources tell me that this is exactly the type of arrangement Lindsay is looking for.

“Expect to see a major TV and magazine deal,” a source close to Lindsay tells me. “Lindsay might have made a lot of mistakes, but she knows how much her first interview is worth. She won’t even consider offers of less than $1 million.”

Dan Wakeford, editor-in-chief of Life & Style magazine, explains to me why Lindsay’s first interview is worth so much. “It’s everyone’s primal fear to go to jail or have a child go to jail.”

Candace Trunzo, editor-in-chief of Star, believes that the appeal is part of the public’s fascination with Lohan. “For better or worse, we’re invested in Lindsay. We’ve watched her self-destruct for years, always anticipating the worst.”

However, Michelle Lee, InTouch Weekly’s editor-in-chief, warns, “I think her first post-prison interview will get a lot of attention, but it depends how long she actually ends up staying behind bars! At the same time, Lindsay always seems to have an excuse, so it would be interesting to see if she finally tells the full truth.”

And what that truth is ultimately worth to Lindsay is far more than $1 million dollars.

[From PopEater]

I love that explanation: “It’s everyone’s primal fear to go to jail or have a child go to jail.” Um, NO. We’re all paying attention because of schadenfreude, because it’s such a pleasure to see an entitled, violent, lazy, melodramatic, cracked-out little bitch finally, at long last, get hers. And we’ll watch the interview because we’ll want to know if she’s still the same little freak. And seriously, if Paris Hilton could have gotten $1 million a few years ago, I’d say a truly awesome, delusional, I’m-a-political-prisoner-get-me-out-of-here interview should net something like $2 – 3 million. We’ll see.

Meanwhile, the sales of Lindsay’s leggings line (6126) have already gotten a boost, and WWD expects them to sell out shortly. Also – Kim Kardashian is now Lindsay’s BFF? Ugh. Famewhores.

UPDATE: HAHHAAHAHAAA! Lindsay’s lawyer Shawn Chapman Holley just quit the crackhead! TMZ says that she “resigned” earlier today. Ha.

Defends profane manicure
There are so many updates to the “ZOMG Lindsay Lohan is going to jail!” story that it’s hard to know where to begin. I’ll start with the hoopla over her “F*ck U” manicure as that’s the most amusing. Lindsay gave a weak defense to sporting a swear word on her middle finger in court. She tweeted to a “friend” that the manicure was a joke and was somehow conspiratorial but not meant to be offensive. “@liana_levi didn’t we do our nails as a joke with our friend dc? it had nothing to do w/court.. it’s an airbrush design from a stencil xx” Who is Lindsay kidding, that was a direct message to the judge. I don’t know if it was visible to Judge Revel from the bench, but experts say that Lindsay could be charged for contempt for it and receive even more jail time.

Tweets about “cruel and inhuman” punishment
Lindsay tweeted a couple of quotes on human rights and the inequities of the justice system as if she were headed to Guantanamo indefinitely without trial. She’s basically making herself out to be a victim and conveniently forgetting the fact that she was busted for DUI twice and failed to meet her probation requirements. Here are the tweets, which Kaiser encouraged me to screencap for sheer comic value. The URL she tweeted is to a story about an Iranian woman who faces the death penalty for adultery. As Gawker asks, “Did Lindsay Lohan Just Compare Herself to an Iranian Woman Being Stoned to Death?”

Was her sentence too harsh?
Like Lindsay, her lawyer is complaining that her sentence was too harsh and uncalled for. TMZ also quotes lawyers who claim that the sentence is not customary for that type of probation violation. In retaliation, sources say Lindsay called Judge Revel a “F*cking Bitch.” I guess that message on her nails served a purpose after all.

Her accommodations in jail
The NY Daily News has photos inside the jail where Lindsay is facing hard time. It’s bare and tough, and she’s going to be bored and bouncing off the walls, with just one hour a day outside of her cell. She will be placed in solitary confinement for her own protection but former inmates say that may not work out for her. Without someone to talk to she may go even more batty. The food is said to be awful and inedible.

How much time she’ll serve
Non violent offenders serve an average of 25% of their sentences in LA County, and some experts say that Lindsay may serve a week or less out of her 90 day sentence. Judge Revel probably took this into account during sentencing. The Deputy District Attorney told People that “I’m always disappointed when inmates are released early… but the jails are not my jurisdiction.” There are rumors that Lindsay’s people are trying to get her into rehab instead or before she heads to jail. Good luck with that.

Confirmation on the drugs Lindsay is taking
Radar Online and TMZ have copies of Lindsay’s probation report. It confirms earlier stories that she’s taking the way too powerful opiate painkiller Dilaudid for “dental pain” along with Zoloft, Adderall, Trazadone and Nexium. She tested positive for both opiates and amphetamines (as found in painkiller Dilaudid and ADD medication Adderall) but was given a pass due to her prescriptions. Lindsay will get random drug testing until August, 2011 under the terms of her sentencing. It’s unknown whether she will be allowed to continue taking powerful, probably uncalled for prescriptions and it’s not known whether she’ll have to wear the SCRAM during that time. Kaiser let me know that the judge said the prescriptions could possibly be discontinue if a doctor determines them unnecessary. I’m hoping that the Dilaudid is nixed for Lindsay’s sake.

Messed with her SCRAM device
TMZ reports that Lindsay (allegedly) tried to impede her SCRAM device on two different occasions, once before it registered a positive reading after the MTV Movie Awards and again a few days later. Her lawyer of course has an excuse for that and says the device is faulty.

Her pre-jail visitors
Lindsay was visited at home by Kim Kardashian last night, and her mother also flew in to commiserate with her on how unjust the world is for celebrities that deserve to get their will at all times. People were wondering why Dina didn’t show up at the sentencing. My theory is that she never expected her little baby to get more than a warning and a slap on the wrist. It’s all that mean old judge’s fault that Lindsay is finally facing some consequences.

Oh – and on a final note, her daddy spoke to E! Online about how Lindsay needs help for her addictions and not jail. I guess we know now why he didn’t talk to any reporters outside the courtroom – he wanted to sell an exclusive.

This morning, CB covered many of the current updates on the Lindsay Lohan situation (where her crack tears earned her 90 days in jail), including the little fact that Lindsay had “f-ck U” written on her middle fingernail, and that Lindsay has been, according to TMZ, under the influence of Dilaudid during the past few weeks, ever since she visited her “dentist” re: crack dealer. Now Radar is claiming that Lindsay was on a cocktail of powerful drugs, including Dilaudid, Adderall, two antidepressants, and Nexium (for acid reflux). Five prescriptions? That’s more than my dad had when he had major surgery! Jesus, these crack dealers masquerading as doctors.

Lindsay Lohan was taking a powerful cocktail of amphetamines and the powerful painkiller Dilaudid during her probation period, RadarOnline.com has exclusively learned. The shocking list is contained in the 24-year-old’s probation report, which was given to a Beverly Hills court Tuesday. It is expected to be released publicly Wednesday.

Lohan, 24, who was sentenced to 90 days in jail for violating the terms of her probation, was also taking Adderall – an amphetamine used as part of a treatment program to control symptoms of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.

The actress was also taking a combination of other drugs, including anti-depressants Zoloft and Trazodone. She also takes Nexium, which is used to treat acid reflux. They were all legally prescribed to Lohan, RadarOnline.com has been told.

The drugs were detected in the Mean Girls star’s system after she began random drug testing on May 26. The combination had the potential to “kill her” when mixed with alcohol, said one source.

“Judge Revel was very concerned that these drugs mixed with alcohol could kill her,” said the insider.

RadarOnline.com can reveal Lohan was prescribed Dilaudid for pain after dental surgery.
Lohan had four wisdom teeth taken out on June 4, 2010.

“It appears that Lindsay is still taking the Dilaudid, at least until very recently,” said a source.

The other medications were prescribed by a different medical professional, we’re told.

Said the source, “Were these prescriptions legal? Absolutely. Is there cause for concern for Lindsay’s health and well being given her battles with substance abuse? Absolutely. We simply don’t want Lindsay to end up as a sad Hollywood statistic, and sadly, it’s often the legal prescription drugs that have taken the lives of so many that are simply way too young.”

Lohan was allowed to take these prescription drugs while she was out on bail because they were prescribed by a doctor. RadarOnline.com has been told she proved to the court — and the probation department overseeing her case — that she had valid prescriptions.
Yet it remains unclear if Lohan will be allowed to take these drugs while in jail.

Lohan was found in violation of her probation after missing seven court-ordered alcohol classes during a 27-week period.

The actress, who cried in court during the sentencing, was also ordered to complete a 90-day inpatient substance abuse program by Judge Marsha Revel.

[From Radar]

Many of you commented that people better keep their eye on Lindsay during these two weeks before she turns herself in for her prison sentence. TMZ’s sources – alleged friends of Lindsay – say they fear for her safety too, and that they worry she might try to do drugs or go on a bender before her jail sentence. TMZ notes that if Lohan does get f-cked up, she might have to do even more jail time. Also, E! News’ sources claim that Lindsay was “completely stunned… Lindsay went into court ready to take responsibility for her actions, but she was not expecting to serve jail time at the end of it. She really did take everything seriously, and is just freaking out right now. It’s just really, really harsh. The last thing she wants to deal with is the press right now. She will probably try and trick everyone like Paris did when she turned herself in.” By the way, Lindsay has a party scheduled for tonight. Does anyone want to make a bet as to how cracked out she’s going to be at 3 a.m. tomorrow morning?

One last thing – as I continue watching the feel-good movie of the year, I keep noticing how aware Lindsay was of the cameras in the courtroom. She was playing to them more than anyone else. F-cking crackhead. That being said, I could look at photos of Lindsay’s crack tears all f-cking day. I love it. OH! And everyone noticed her costume changes, right? She kept adding and subtracting layers for each break in proceedings. Ha!

Kaiser did a great job covering the Lindsay Lohan sentencing yesterday. It was somewhat expected but it was still shocking that she was sentenced to so much jail time. (I was selfishly getting a scheduled massage at the time and missed all the drama when it happened. I hurt my lower back, I have an excuse!) Lindsay had a lot of excuses in her statement as always as well as a lot of references to the “work” she does partying to promote her upcoming porn star role.

I actually felt sorry for sobbing Lindsay during both her statement and sentencing. I’m a softie like that, but that doesn’t mean I think she doesn’t deserve jail time plus rehab. Judge Revel did absolutely the right thing, and she summed up Lohan’s behavior so well. Lindsay was sorry that she was caught and would have to face the consequences, she wasn’t sorry for not complying with her alcohol education classes and she certainly wasn’t sorry for hijacking those three kids and taking them on a dangerous car chase while they pleaded for their lives. I keep thinking back to the interviews those three guys gave to TMZ about how Lindsay risked their lives and the lives of countless other drivers and pedestrians that night in summer of 2007. She ran over a guy’s foot, didn’t go back to check on him, and refused to stop the car to let anyone else out as they begged her to slow down. (Here’s our summary of their statements and you can watch the videos on TMZ.)

Lindsay should have received three months in jail just for that one carjacking incident, not to mention her other DUI accident in which passengers were involved and cocaine was found in her car. Someone could have been killed. Instead, she was given multiple chances to avoid jail time, which she inevitably blew. All she had to do was go to a class once a week and she couldn’t even manage that.

When Lohan was in court, you could see in her eyes how messed up she was. It’s also apparent in just about every photo, but when you see video it’s more obvious. She’s been passing her drug tests though and apart from setting her Scram bracelet off once she hasn’t been drinking. TMZ may have the answer to our question of what Lindsay is on exactly. They say she’s taking the opiate Dilaudid, which she has a prescription for after conveniently scheduling dental surgery right after she was ordered to undergo drug testing:

Lindsay Lohan has a current prescription for a drug she’s technically allowed to take despite her drug testing requirement — and it’s several times stronger than morphine … TMZ has learned.

According to sources familiar with Lindsay’s most recent probation report, LiLo has a prescription for Dilaudid — an extremely powerful painkiller … often compared to morphine … and even heroin.

As long as she has the prescription, Lohan is in the clear to pop the painkiller — presuming she follows the dosage guidelines. We’re told a doctor wrote the prescription after Lindsay’s recent dental surgery. We do not know the quantity the doctor prescribed.

But as we first reported, that’s not all she’s allowed to have in her medicine cabinet — Lindsay also has prescriptions for two other drugs — Ambien and Adderall.

[From TMZ]

Now we know exactly why Lindsay’s pupils are pinpricks and why she looks so out of it most of the time. She’s an addict and now she’ll hopefully get the help she so obviously needs. I wonder if Lindsay will think rehab is a vacation this time around. She’s been to rehab three other times.

A lot of us were wondering why Dina “my little baby is a victim” Lohan wasn’t in court supporting her daughter. Lindsay’s father, Michael, was there along with the sister she’s been corrupting, Ali, 15. (Ali was photographed going into the courtroom and I assume that it was Ali crying loudly in the background during the sentencing.) Dina hasn’t offered an excuse for her absence yet but of course she’s given an excuse for Lindsay. She told Popeater “This is so not fair to do this to my child.” Yes, and it’s also not fair that Dina can’t get an ice cream cake for free using her daughter’s card. Life is hard when you can’t drive wasted whenever you want and get everything for free.

I also have to mention that Lindsay had “F*ck U” written on her middle finger yesterday the whole time she was in court. You have to wonder if the judge saw that and factored it into her decision.

Lindsay has two weeks before she’s scheduled to go to jail and there’s concern that she may harm herself in the interim. This girl’s survival instinct is strong but she does love her drugs. Will they let her continue to take Dilaudid in jail, will they help her taper off it, or will she face a quick and painful withdrawal? If she’s smart, and we know she isn’t, she’ll try to wean herself off before she gets there.

How much do you love Judge Marsha Revel? I want to send her flowers. I loved that Revel doesn’t take any sh-t. I love that Lindsay is going to JAIL. FOR 90 DAYS. And there’s mandatory 90-day stay in rehab too, right after jail. And real probation. I loved Judge Revel’s laundry list of Lindsay’s crackhead shenanigans. She said it all in her little mom voice too! Oooh, who loved the coke pants reference? And Lindsay cried the whole time!

Also – Lindsay doesn’t have to surrender for two weeks, and her lawyer asked for Lindsay’s SCRAM to be removed at that time. Meaning Lindsay wanted to party and get drunk and smoke crack before she went to jail. Crackhead was denied! The judge knew what was up! So the SCRAM stays on.

So, yes, I’m sorry I’m being such a spaz – Lindsay Lohan was found in violation of her probation, and then she was allowed to make a weepy crack statement for the court. You could tell two things for sure:

1. Lindsay considers her crack tears her best performance EVER.
2. She’s crying because someone dared to call her out on her delusional bullsh-t, not because she’s actually sorry for any of her crack shenanigans.

I started getting the feeling that Lindsay was going to jail when it became apparent that the prosecutor and the judge both wanted her ass. And the look and overly-dramatic tears came back again when Judge Revel announced in her mom voice that Lindsay was going to JAIL for 30 days for this, 30 days for that, and 30 days for being a CRACKHEAD LIAR.

I just wanted to mention a few things – how crazy and crackhead-lie-filled was Lindsay’s statement? Some commenters already noted the “trip to Morocco” where she was “working with children”. Really? She did an appearance at a hotel, tried to bone Gerard Butler (“for the CHIDLREN!”) and got high. Did she mean India, not Morocco? And all of that sh-t about her “working” and “supporting herself”? Really? Oh, and Lindsay really should have been coached on her trial behavior. The drawing and writing, the total spastic attention-deficit disregard for her surroundings, the eye-rolling and pouting and huffing needs to stop. NOW. And it will. Hopefully. Let’s give it 90 days in jail, shall we?

I’ll be updating!

UPDATE: Oooh, video of the sentencing and the crack tears, courtesy of IDLYITW. I could seriously watch this all day. This is the feel-good movie of the year:

And here’s my new girlfriend, Judge Marsha Revel:

Oh, and Ali Lohan was there too:

I’m waiting for more photos of Lindsay’s crack tears, but these will have to do:

Here are photos of a particularly duck-lipped Lindsay entering the courthouse today, just before her hearing began. Actually, the hearing seemed to begin before Lindsay even arrived, as the prosecutor and lawyers for Right On bickered over whether Lindsay’s alcohol education records should become part of open court proceedings. And before Lindsay even got in front of the judge, she was served with papers for the civil lawsuit against her for not paying $17,000 worth of clothing bills. The process server told TMZ that Lindsay “freaked out” when he tried to serve her, and she “told people around her to get the guy out of the elevator and away from her. The process server says he attempted to hand Lindsay the papers but she would not take them so he dropped them on the elevator floor, by her feet. Under California law, generally a process server has done his job when he comes face to face with the person served.” To be fair to Lindsay, she probably thought he was a hallucination.

The prosecutor, deputy district attorney Danette Meyers, started out by winning the right to have Lindsay’s alcohol ed classes admitted into open court. Then Meyers lost a round as she began trying to prove that Lindsay had consumed alcohol at that MTV Awards post-party. But, according to TMZ, “The judge just ruled she will not allow the prosecutor to present evidence that Lindsay was drinking after the MTV Movie Awards on June 7. The hearing is now exclusively about whether Lindsay violated probation by not attending enough alcohol ed classes at the time of the last hearing.”

TMZ’s live feed is here. I was going to wait to put this up until we know what’s going to happen to Lindsay, but I’m finding Lindsay’s f-cking duck lips SOOOO distracting. Did she get them plumped for the court? And she looks like she has a bruise on her face? Her left cheek? Is that where the waitress punched her? Also, this Right On alcohol ed seems totally budget and ridiculous.

UPDATE: Damn, this is a long hearing. I was hoping Lindsay would show up and the judge would be all “The crackhead must go to jail NOW.” They just went on a lunch break, and will be coming back at 4:30 EST. UGH. But it’s not looking good for Lindsay. The Right On woman who was testifying is having to detail all of the times that Lindsay just didn’t care enough to show up for her classes. I’ll update when there’s more!

UPDATE #2: They’re back in court! I’m really getting the feeling that Lindsay is going to finally, at LONG LAST go to jail. Is anyone else feeling that? Also, more photos of the lips:

Lindsay Lohan on July 6, 2010 at the courthouse.

Lindsay Lohan’s big hearing is today, so we should be hearing within hours whether or not Lindsay is going to jail for up to a year for the violations of her probation. One of the biggest parts of Lindsay’s hearing will be the report that is supposed to come in from the Right On Program, Lindsay’s state-authorized alcohol-education program of choice. Right On is fighting the quash the district attorney’s subpoena for their records pertaining to Lindsay, which the DA says is unheard of in these types of cases. Right On’s lawyers say they will turn over their records, but not in open court – they want the records to be examined in closed court, then destroyed. The DA is all “WTF?” And Radar claims that Right On’s records are potentially “explosive and shocking”. Hmm….

Lindsay Lohan’s probation report contains material that is both “explosive and shocking” a source with knowledge of the situation exclusively tells RadarOnline.com.

That information will likely be made public Tuesday morning when Lindsay’s probation officer will take the stand in a Beverly Hills courtroom and questioned by prosecutors who want to know if LiLo is in compliance with conditions set under terms of her probation related to her 2007 DUI conviction. Those conditions include her not drinking alcohol and attending alcohol education classes.

The Mean Girls star has been ordered to appear at Tuesday’s hearing, and if she found to not be in compliance, she could be taken into custody immediately, and put behind bars.
The probation department has randomly drug-tested Lindsay star once a week since her May 26 court appearance.

Meanwhile, as RadarOnline.com previously reported, the District Attorney prosecuting Lohan will ask a judge during Tuesday’s hearing to force the court-ordered alcohol program overseeing the troubled actress’ rehabilitation to turn over its records immediately.

Danette Meyers, the deputy district attorney, served the Right On Program with subpoenas last month. But she revealed to RadarOnline.com exclusively that the “alcohol education program has failed to provide… records about her attendance, meetings, and progress reports.

“The state-authorized program is citing HIPPA and Title IX as to reasons for not turning over the documents — I have never had this happen with an alcohol education program involving anyone,” Meyers told RadarOnline.com exclusively. “This is a state-authorized program, and these are routine and common requests.

“The alcohol education program is coming to court this morning with their own lawyers to object to the subpoena I served them with,” Meyers told RadarOnline.com exclusively. “It will probably be one of the first issues we deal with in court. The program is saying that they want me to look at the documents in closed court, and that the copies of the documents be destroyed immediately, and I will object to that.”

Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Marsha Revel will rule if the Right On program is required to turn over the docs to Meyers, and whether or not staffers from the school will testify.

Meyers told RadarOnline.com exclusively she wants to examine “SCRAM [representatives,] the probation officer assigned to Ms. Lohan’s case, and hopefully people from the [alcohol education] school.”

Meyers said that it’s up to the judge to determine if Lohan has violated the terms of her probation, and if she has, what the punishment could be. (Lohan could face up to a year in custody if Revel rules that she stands in violation.)

“If Ms. Lohan is found to be in violation, Judge Revel will ask me what my position is, but it’s only a recommendation,” Meyers told us. “We will just have to see how things go. If Judge Revel does find her in violation, Ms. Lohan could be remanded into custody immediately — it’s up to the judge.”

The probation violation hearing begins Tuesday at 8:30 am PST; stay tuned to RadarOnline.com for up-to-the-minute updates as the drama unfolds.

[From Radar]

TMZ claims that Lindsay is still falling short of her required alcohol education classes, so is that what’s in the report that’s so shocking? Eh. I would only be shocked (and even then, not so much) if Lindsay went to her alcohol classes and chose to smoke a crack pipe in front of everyone. I think TMZ and Radar are trying to prepare us for the possibility that the judge could send Lindsay’s ass to jail for cause. I will consider myself prepared.

TMZ is going to have a live feed outside of the courthouse. We’ll have updates or new stories, depending on what the court decides.

Lindsay on July 5, 2010 and June 28, 2010. Credit: WENN.

Yesterday, I did this massive Lindsay Lohan post because there was so much dumb news about Lohan Drama. The waitress that allegedly punched Lindsay in the face ran to Radar and said: “that disturbed little train wreck is delusional!” and “I did not hit her… but I’d like to.” When Radar picked Lindsay’s crackface off the bar and asked her to respond to Jasmine the Waitress’s statement, Lindsay responded (via text or email): “Hahahahahahahahaha“. God, Lindsay sucks so hard, she really does. Her probation judge Marsha Revel thinks she sucks too. And Lindsay’s big hearing is tomorrow – TMZ put up an interesting little piece about whether Lindsay is going to end up going to jail:

Lindsay Lohan could go to jail Tuesday for violating her probation … but even though she’s positive Judge Marsha Revel hates her, she’s convinced she’s does nothing wrong and will not end up behind bars

Multiple sources close to Lindsay tell TMZ … as far as Lindsay’s concerned, any missteps she may have made in the past are completely cured. She’s now up to date on all her alcohol ed classes, so, she thinks, what’s the big deal?

What Lindsay does not understand is that Judge Revel could indeed throw her in the pokey for missing three alcohol ed classes as of her last court appearance. And the whole thing of not showing up in court because the dog/thief ate her passport could be a deal breaker as well.

The people close to her tell us … Lindsay has become so accustomed to good lawyers bailing her out of seemingly impossible situations, she simply expects the same thing to happen again.

As one source put it, “Shawn [her lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley] will just fix this like everything else.” The source adds, “It’s no big deal to her, even though she totally believes Judge Revel hates her guts.”

But even if Lindsay gets thrown in the pokey, people close to her think she’d be fine. As one source put it, “She is one tough bitch. She can hold her own.”

[From TMZ]

I’d never really thought about it in terms of Lindsay being a “tough bitch” before, but they may have something. Lindsay is a user and abuser, reminiscent of a cockroach – someone like Amy Winehouse, someone like that. They know how to survive. If Lindsay went to jail, my new fear is that she would actually find a f-cked up way to survive that too, and come out with her addictions and her insanity intact. That being said, I still want the judge to send her to jail. And I agree with Lindsay, Marsha Revel hates her. As she should – Lindsay has no respect for the court system, so the court system has no respect for her.

TMZ is claiming that the woman above, driving Lindsay Lohan, is Lindsay’s new lesbian lover. She’s Israeli! Her name is allegedly Eilat Anschel, and she’s a former member of the Israeli Defense Force (IDF). That sounds really handcore, and it totally is, but Israeli women are obligated to serve their country’s military, just like the men. So there are many, many women who are “former IDF” – although they would probably consider themselves current IDF members, considering they would be able to serve in combat still if they were drafted for the task. Anyway, TMZ’s sources claim that Eilat met “a while ago” in LA, after Eilat finished up her IDF duties, and that things have gotten “pretty serious over the last month” as Lindsay uses Eilat as “a shoulder to cry on” with her SCRAM/crackhead dramz. Lindsay‘s friends are also totally worried about this new love because: “It’s not the healthiest relationship in the world.” Apparently Lindsay is already “obsessing” over the Eilat. Poor Eilat. She has no idea how bad it’s going to get. She’s got years of crack-tweets and crack-drama and Lohan Mayhem coming her way, I think.

In other Lohan news, remember how Lindsay claimed that a waitress punched her in her crackface on her birthday? Initially, the story went that the waitress – named Jasmine Waltz – punched Lindsay because the women had some kind of beef over Doug Reinhardt (Paris Hilton‘s ex), and both Lindsay and Jasmine were fighting over Doug’s affections or something. According to Lindsay‘s “friend” DOug was right there for the whole thing and he “didn’t want any part of it and went to the other side of the booth. Lohan ran out.” And after that, Lindsay went to another club and Jasmine was there, and “Lohan showed up and cried because the waitress was there as well. Some birthday.”

Turns out that was all bullsh-t, though. Lindsay tried to get a little more sympathy by telling Radar that “I’m ok now” only to be one-upped by this Jasmine chick giving her story to Radar. Jasmine tells Radar that her beef with Lindsay was not about Doug Reinhardt, but about British rugby player Danny Cipriani:

Jasmine Waltz — who has dated Ryan Seacrest, pop star Jesse McCartney and Paris Hilton’s ex Doug Reinhardt — broke her silence on the incident, in an exclusive interview with RadarOnline.com.

“All I have to say is that disturbed little train wreck is delusional!” Waltz told RadarOnline.com. “I did not hit her… but I’d like to.”

As Lohan marked her birthday Thursday at Los Angeles nightspot Voyeur, she took to Twitter to complain about the alleged assault.

“A waitress just hit me – punched me for no reason,” she wrote.

She told RadarOnline.com Friday: “I’m OK, now.”

Lohan left the nightclub following the confrontation, but later bumped into Waltz at her next destination, Rockstar House. The root of the apparent tension between the pair is reportedly a three-way love triangle between Lohan, Waltz and British rugby player Danny Cipriani. Cipriani was partying alongside Lohan at her party and is reportedly also a former flame of Waltz.

[From Radar]

We could play around with those words all day: “that disturbed little train wreck is delusional.” How about “that delusional crackhead better watch her bony train wreck ass”? Or “that train wreck is a crackhead who suffers from delusions of martyrdom and importance”? Or how about “bitch please, Doug f-cking Reinhardt?”

And finally, the last of the weekend/birthday drama for Lindsay: Lindsay caused her assistant Elinore (the one who quit and came back) to get a traffic citation – she ran a stop sign, because Lindsay was running late. So what did Lindsay do? She jumped out of the f-cking car! Elinore wasn’t just charged with running a stop sign, she was cited for concealed plates and front tinted windows – and it wasn’t her car. Crackheads, all of them.

Here are lots of photos of Lindsay out partying with Eilat and Ali:

Lindsay Lohan went out last night, of course. Because today is her birthday! So she had to be in the midst of alcohol, cigarettes and drugs to make it feel real, you know? I can’t believe she’s made it this far, honestly. Remember when she tweeted on New Year’s Day, all coked out of her skull, that this year would bring no more “Lohan Mayhem”? Good times. Radar reports (here for those hilarious photos) that Lindsay spent the early morning hours of her birthday “making her way out of Voyeur nightclub in Los Angeles looking worse for the wear. Clutching a Red Bull can and a pink cell phone, Lohan’s face showed signs of fatigue as she climbed into a waiting car with her pals.” Oh, and don’t forget a little old-school birthday crack-tweet:

[From Lindsay’s Twitter]

Of course the waitress did. It wasn’t a birthday hallucination, at all Lindsay! Of course, if you were a waitress serving Lindsay, wouldn’t you want to punch her in the face too? Lastly, I have this splendid birthday wish from TMZ:

Lindsay Lohan turns 24 today and it’s not gonna be the best birthday ever … by a long shot. Lindsay’s friends tell TMZ … so far, she’s made no plans. One of her best friends put it bluntly, “I mean there’s not much you can do with a monitoring bracelet and no money.”

Lindsay’s friends say this weekend will be Lindsay’s toughest test. She’s got her SCRAM on tight (though she’s bitterly complaining it’s ruining her life), so alcohol is off limits for her BD and for the July 4 weekend.

If Lindsay stays dry until Tuesday, it’s possible Judge Marsha Revel will show her some mercy. Since her last court appearance, Lindsay has brought herself up to date on her Alcohol Ed classes, and she’s passed every drug test.

Lindsay may have a crappy weekend, but she had better hope Judge Revel has a good one.

[From TMZ]

How is the SCRAM ruining her life if she never drinks or does drugs, hmmmm? Oh, right. She’s a crackhead liar, for the millionth time.

I know I said that was the last, but I wanted to mention one more thing – the Los Angeles Times Magazine is going to run this epic piece this weekend about Lindsay being a “fallen angel”. It’s basically a summary of how she’s f-cked up many, many, many times over the past few years. True/Slant bashes the LAT for being tragically out of touch and about two years too late on the piece, and I have to agree. They aren’t covering anything that can’t be found in our Crackhead Archives. Still, it sucks to be called out by a major newspaper for being a crackhead. Will Lindsay make it to her 25th birthday? My hope is that for her next one, she’ll be in jail.