Last week, Entertainment Weekly had a list of Hollywood’s smartest people. I didn’t cover it because 99% of them are executives and business folks that the majority of us haven’t heard of/don’t care about. And the other one is Ben Affleck, and I find his intelligence debatable. He dated J-Lo. Though he did leave her two days before their wedding, so I guess that shows some brain power. So while it’s great to have a smartest list, let’s be honest – what we really want to know about are the dumbest. You have to wonder – let’s say you’re at the bottom of the dumbest list – meaning you’re the smartest of the people on there. Do you think celebrities are still egocentric enough to be flattered by that? That’s like being the cutest pig at the fair. I mean sure you’re the cutest, but you’re still a pig, so there’s only so many places your life can go.

Riffing on Entertainment Weekly’s recent list of Tinseltown’s smartest people, the New York Daily News flipped the script and slapped together a list of the “Top 50 Dumbest People in Hollywood.” Top/bottom of the heap was Lindsay Lohan at number one, for lousy career choices, rampant misbehavior and bad taste in men. Hard to argue with them on any of those counts, but we’re still rooting for LiLo to smarten up now that she has sobered up.

Also predictably landing in their top five was It boy Shia LaBeouf, “honored” for that inexplicable arrest stemming from his recent nocturnal Walgreens walkabout. Let’s hope he gets it together. Both Spencer Pratt and ladylove Heidi Montag make the list, but the mister lands in the top five for…well, if you watch The Hills, there really is no reason to explain.

[From E! News]

Wondering about the top five smartest of the dumbest? Well the biggest genius is Tom Sizemore, probation violator, followed by our dear friend Joe Francis. Joe – who’s vociferously complained about the food in prison, is actually considered smarter than the next cheeseburger loving guy on the list, David Hasselhoff. The best of the worst is rounded out by Michelle Rodriguez (labeled a “public nuisance”) and Vanessa Hudgens (Disney star, nude picture poser).

You’ve got to admit, that’s a little more interesting than learning about Daniel Battsek, the president of Miramax. Sure we’re glad he’s smart and does whatever he does, but best as I can tell from my internet research, he hasn’t done jello shots off a naked male prostitute with Lindsay Lohan, so I don’t really know what else to say about him.

A surprising (at least to me) entry on the dumbest list was Jennifer Love Hewitt at number 17. After all the other people, the Daily News said something derogatory that gave you an idea as to their reasoning for calling the person dumb. My favorite was number 22, which lists “Wilmer Valderamma, actor?” Love the question mark. But nothing besides “actress” was listed for Hewitt. I’m going to assume it’s because they had some problem with her work in “Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties.” Though I can’t imagine why.

We can debate all day long about whether or not Maxim’s “Unsexiest” list was okay or not, but there’s one list that’s beyond argument: Maxim’s “Famous People Who Look Like They Smell” list. Now to be fair, it contains 16 people on it, so no doubt, there will be a few you’ll disagree about, and a couple you’ll whole-heartedly defend. But let’s be honest, the distinguished editors at Maxim are a highly professional, ethical bunch, not likely to toss people in here and there on a whim. I’m sure they had a rigorous visual screening process and some type of voting committee. With that said, here’s a few highlights of the “Famous People Who Look Like They Smell” – and what they probably smell like.

Some people just look like they release an unpleasantly pungent aroma. And when we say some people, we mean these people.

15. Flavor Flav
Probably smells like: Colt 45, crack smoke, the collective vaginas of the women from Flavor of Love, Brigitte Nielsen´s penis

13. Louie Anderson
Probably smells like: The fryer at the McDowell´s on Queens Boulevard, exposed gums, the set of Family Feud, failure

9. Amy Winehouse
Probably smells like: Pomade, high-heel blisters, some sort of cheese, Chewbacca

5. Cisco Adler
Probably smells like: Cheez Whiz, elephantiasis balls, elephantiasis balls´ sweat, doody

3. Nick Nolte
Probably smells like: Grain alcohol, GBH, pit stains, pissed pants, bad decisions

1. Andy Rooney
Probably smells like: Sex

[From Maxim]

Bravo, Maxim. Making fun of Cisco Adler’s cantaloupe-sized balls? Not that hard. Saying that bad decisions may actually have a smell? Awesomeness.

You know how people are always debating: Time or Newsweek, which is better? Okay well people are in my home, but we’re a pretty lame bunch. I think the general consensus is that Time is much better and Newsweek is Newslite. But I’ve had a subscription since I was 13. I refuse to give in, and I’m pretty sure I now have concrete evidence that the people over at Time are prissy little wusses. You know why? In honor of Halloween, they decide to print a “Top 25 Horror Movies.” So you’re thinking slashers, maybe a few thrillers, something like that? Nope. Bambi. I kid you not. They can make a bit of an argument that those old Disney movies are creepy as hell, but they can’t make any reasonably intelligent person believe Bambi is in the top 25 ever. What a load of crap.

Amazing that the first movies parents took their tots to in the 30s and 40s were the early Disney features. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Pinocchio, Dumbo all exploited childhood traumas. Parents disappear or die; stepmothers plot the murder of their charges; a boy skips school and turns into a donkey. Kids were so frightened by these films that they wet themselves in terror. Bambi, directed by David Hand, has a primal shock that still haunts oldsters who saw it 40, 50, 65 years ago.

[From Time]

You know it’s funny; the same writers who wrote that also keep a nightlight and a security blanket in their cubicle, just to be safe. Their bosses keep the office kitchen stocked with warm milk in case they get uppity, and often have to burp them after meals. What the hell, you babies! Look I know you work for a powerful publishing conglomerate, but you need to see a top-of-the-line psychotherapist stat. Although if you mention Maleficent, there is a slight chance I’ll wet myself. But I’m smart enough not to tell the whole internet about it. Losers.