E! Online’s Ted Casablanca claimed in his column yesterday thatLance Armstrong is Matthew McConaughey’s sugar daddy and that he paid all the bills for their expensive Miami vacation. People and “Entertainment Tonight” were said to have been tipped off that the pair was in Miami and told to cover it like they were two buddies hanging out.

Lance is supposedly fed up with Matt’s spending at this point and that may have led Matt back into the arms of Jake Gyllenhaal.

Unless you spend like ten minutes trying to interpret his prose and thinking about what he’s trying to say, it’s really hard to figure it out. So I’ve cut a lot of it out and removed the ten stupid nicknames he used for the same people:

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Why doesn’t someone edit this man’s “awful” writing? Regardless that’s a juicy scoop if you can clean off all the syrup he’s poured over it.

It’s not news that Matt and Lance are said to be more than just sweaty workout buddies, but it is news that one of them paid for the whole vacation and that they had a private pool. It was probably just for all the hot women they brought back to the bungalow.

I’m not saying that Lance Armstrong and Matthew McConaughey are anything more than hot, sweaty friends who like to do sports together and hang out shirtless on beaches in Miami. Let’s just imagine that these two are actually lovers and make the bold move to come out, though. It would be difficult for them to admit, but they would be applauded for it, and “straight” men everywhere might see that it’s not so bad to switch to the other side. Hell if top actors and athletes can do it, it must not be that taboo. At first it would be a big scandal, but then everyone would say how brave they are to admit it.

This will never happen because it would jeopardize McConaughey’s career playing the hot sporty guy in every crappy romantic comedy. He’s even signed on to do a new one with Kate Hudson. They’re going to play a divorced couple looking for treasure in “Fool’s Gold.” Sounds fabulous:

In related news, Jake Gyllenhaal has been confirmed to play the role of Lance Armstrong in an upcoming biopic about the seven-time Tour de France winner’s life. Matt Damon was originally slated for the role:

I wonder how Gyllenhaal landed that role.

Here are Lance and Matt on the beach. Thanks to DListed for these pictures.

Star Magazine reports this week that Matthew McConaughy called Jennifer Aniston in a not-so-subtle attempt to get her to go out with him.

Jennifer’s rep denied that she received a call from McConaughy, but it could be true. If it really happened, it doesn’t mean McConaughy was serious about it. He may have just wanted the publicity so that he can stem some of the rumors that he’s enjoying Lance and Jake’s company in every way possible. It was a pretty slick move on his part, considering he picked an actress who’s technically unavailable, but hasn’t gone public with her relationship.

Aniston seems to be having a hard time in her relationship with bloated paramour Vince Vaughn. While it was rumored last week that they broke up, that doesn’t seem true since Vince was spotted out with Aniston and was seen leaving her house. Poor Aniston has bought a new dog to keep her company while she waits for a commitment from Vince that will never come. Maybe she should have gone out with McConaughy. At least it would have made Vince jealous.

Here is Aniston with her her new puppy [via] and Matthew McConaughey biking. [via]

Maybe Lance Armstrong had a good, embarassing reason for making all those awkward gay jokes at the ESPY awards. Page Six is suggesting that he has something going on with Matthew McConaughey, but they’re probably just checking out all the biking pictures and jumping to their own stupid conclusion.

Lance might just be a sweaty friend of McConaughey and Gyllenhaal. Hey, straight, bi, and gay guys can all hang out together and do sports without getting busy.

Countless straight guys would disagree with me, but it’s kind of hot to imagine McConaughy, Armstrong, and/or Gyllenhaal getting it on. Yes I put that image in your head. If you’re a semi-straight chick like me, it’s not a bad one.

It’s probably not true, though. Jake was said to be training with Lance so that he could play him in an upcoming movie, and McConaughey was probably just along for the, uh, ride.

McConaughey and Gyllenhaal have been spotted biking without Armstrong. Maybe they’re the real pair on the down low. As long as they keep doing sports together a girl can fantasize.

Lance, Matt and Jake are shown at an ESPY awards party in mid July. Jake and Matt are seen biking together on 7/26, with one older picture of all three biking together thrown in for good measure. Pictures from Gossip Rocks and Mollygood.

Hero Matthew McConaughey, who routinely saves kittens, children, and swooning middle-aged women from the brink of death, is auctioning off his 1971 Corvette Stingray Convertible on eBay to benefit Oprah’s Angel Network charity. Notice how all the “G”s are removed from the ends of words in the item description to make McConaughey’s quotes more believable. It looks like a search and replace job:

“I’ve gone to Mexico & back in it, driven across Texas in it…lotta late night drives…take off at midnight and get on the open highway with the top down…top was very seldom up in my drives. Enough room in the trunk for one persons back pack, or two for real light travel.”

“I admire and enjoy this car, but it’s a luxury that I’m willin to relinquish at this point because I am fortunate enough to have everythin I need, and the sale of it will help so many with the necessities in life…part of stayin connected with an on-goin cause to help those in need for the long term…besides, I can’t pull my Airstream with it!”

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With so many hours of drive time, the car’s going to have that authentic McConaughey smell that even the most thorough detailing job won’t be able to eliminate.

Here are pictures of the car from eBay and some photos of McConaughey arriving at the ESPY awards on July 12th. [via] He looks like he went biking with Lance and Jake beforehand. If you can’t grow a full beard, don’t bother.

I have no idea how recent these are, but they were posted on Hollywood’s Best on June 8th, so they could be recent. They look familiar but I’m not sure. Regardless it never hurt anyone to stare at Matthew McConaughey for a while.

McConaughey recently tried to hit up the paparrazi that were following him for cash. He forgot his wallet while out on a sweaty bike ride with Lance Armstrong and Jake Gyllenhaal and asked the photographers trailing them for $30 for some sandwiches. He ended up with $100, which was enough for lunch for everyone.

I’m off on my vacation, and will feature content from CelebGuru the rest of the week.

Matthew McConaughey was photographed drunk, high, or a bit of both on the fourth of July weekend in Costa Rica. This sort of contradicts a British report that showed Matt with a fat stomach and said he held an Independence Day party at his Malibu mansion. Both might be true and Matt may have been in Costa Rica on the weekend and back in time to throw the party on Tuesday. He doesn’t look fat, though:

We all know he loves to party and as long as he’s not pulling down Christmas trees or assaulting anyone it seems quite harmless.

Matt’s hangover must not have lasted long. He was biking in the Malibu hills with Lance Armstrong and Jake Gyllenhaal on Wednesday, July 5th.

Here is Matt on the weekend in question and riding his bike a few days later with Lance and Jake. [via]

Matthew McConaughey has been letting himself go since his split with Penelope Cruz. He was photographed with a bit of a beer belly at a party he threw on the 4th of July:

Yeah, Matt still looks hot with a few extra pounds. He looks like he needs to suck his stomach in. He can whip himself back into stinky shape if he needs to. A few laps around the trailer park should do it.

Update: Matt doesn’t look quite as fat when he’s taking a jog on the beach. (inset picture via People Magazine)

Here’s his ex, Penelope Cruz, out with a friend in Beverly Hills on 6/28. You don’t see a lot of paparrazi pictures of her and she doesn’t look like she minds being photographed. [via]

Matthew McConaughey sometimes lives in an airstream trailer, doesn’t use deodorant, and has been involved in several well-documented incidents of heroism.

Matthew McConaughey pulled his car over and stopped a bunch of kids from setting a cat on fire in California. He saved the poor cat and gave the kids a verbal lashing:

As if being hot wasn’t enough, this is not the first time McConaughey has acted the hero. He scared off a coyote from a toddler last year, and once performed mouth-to-mouth resusitation on a woman who had fainted.

McConaughy’s two year relationship with Penelope Cruz may be in trouble. The two are said to have possibly split after spending a good deal of time apart.