Ah, new Fassbender photos! And new Benedict Cumberbatch photos! Isn’t today glorious? These are photos of Michael Fassbender and the cast of Prometheus celebrating after the Thursday night premiere in London. Fassy & Company went out to 34 for dinner and drinks. Guess who Fassy’s date was? HIS MOM – she‘s the dark-haired lady with bangs, wearing jeans. His mom’s name is Adele (sigh…) and she was also his date to the BAFTAs back in February. Fassy is really close to his family, including his doctor sister.

Can we just spend a minute talking about Fassy’s style? His choice in suits and formalwear is definitely questionable, although he occasionally pulls out a really nice suit. Most of the time, when I see him on the red carpet, I just want him to invest in a really great tailor because it would make such a big difference in how his pants and jackets fit. As for Fassy’s casual style, on display here… this boy is kind of train wreck, right? I don’t hate a man in jeans. But Fassy consistently wears SKINNY JEANS – like he borrowed them from a girl(friend). And after a certain age (say, 30), I don’t like a man in Chucks. As for this totally Cosby sweater – dear God.

I’m also including photos of Benedict Cumberbatch at “The Fifth Annual Veuve Clicquot Polo Classic” in New Jersey yesterday. I’m sure it was a paid appearance – I mean, why else would Cumby go to Jersey? No disrespect to New Jersey. But Cumby is a posh bastard. He wouldn’t deign to go to Jersey unless he was getting paid. You might be asking yourself: “Kaiser, why do you insist on drawing my attention away from Michael Fassbender’s p0rnographic ginger and forcing me to pay attention to the delicious richness known as CUMBY?” That is an excellent question, darling. My answer: Cumby and Fassy will become ONE. Sort of! Cumby has just signed on to Fassbender’s new film (with director Steve McQueen), Twelve Years a Slave.

I keep getting Twelve Years a Slave mixed up with Quentin Tarantino’s film Django Unchained. Django stars Leo DiCaprio, Christoph Waltz and Jamie Foxx. Twelve Years stars Fassbender, Chitwetel Ejiofor, Brad Pitt and now Benedict Cumberbatch. Django is filming right now – Twelve Years will begin production soon, in New Orleans. Cumby has been getting lots of roles in bigger Hollywood movies lately – he was in War Horse last year, and he was cast in Star Trek 2 and The Hobbit. Many think McQueen will premiere this film at next year’s Cannes Film Festival, where he won the Palme d’Or for Hunger back in 2008.

So… Fassbender, Cumby and Brad Pitt… all in the same film. And Brad is producing it. Which makes me wonder… I know Brad is a huge fan of Fassy’s, but is Brad also hopelessly SHERLOCKED?

Photos courtesy of WENN.

A love letter to Michael Fassbender…

My dearest Michael,

I love you so much. Sometimes when I look through new photos of you, I can’t breathe properly, which is what just happened as I gazed upon these new photos of you. I love your ginger. I love your beard. I love your beautiful eyes. I love your shark smile. I love that you seem to be covered in cigarette ash and lint on the red carpet for the London premiere of Prometheus. I love that you seem to be making a conscious effort to not pose too closely to Charlize Theron, because I think you realize that she’s obsessed with you (and The Fassdong). I don’t fault Charlize for her obsession – it makes me feel like she and I have at least one thing in common. Still, that bitch needs to wait in line.

Speaking of the Fassdong… I can’t help it, I love it too. I almost wrote a love letter to your dong. My apologies. I realize that paying so much attention to your anatomy takes away from your work. I understand that it’s no longer funny to you, and you don’t want to be seen as a “one trick pony” (even though you’re hung like a proverbial horse). I comprehend, although I do think that you’ve contributed to people’s sexual obsessions by talking about “unleashing the beast” and “wrecking the sweetshop.” Be fair now. It’s not ALL on us. That being said, I’ve been trying to cut back on the Fassdong references, but it’s difficult because I really do love EVERY part of you. I could write a love letter to your hands. Or to your shark teeth. Or to your eye crinkles.

I hope Prometheus is a big hit for you. I hope the film is so successful that somewhere in Japan, scientists actually begin work on an anatomically-correct Fassy/David dong-bot, which will eventually go to market in America and I can finally have you (or a version of you). I hope you get Oscar buzz for this, or for one of your other films coming out in the next few years. I was very disappointed that you didn’t get nominated for Shame, and I know you were too. You’ll just have to trust the fact that you are beloved and respected, and pretty much everyone in Hollywood wants to work with you. Please don’t work with Charlize again – I don’t think she would be able to keep her hands to herself.

I hope you won’t be offended if I say that right now I’m picturing you rubbing your ginger beard across my stomach. I have to go now… I need to change my panties.

Love,
K

Photos courtesy of WENN, Pacific Coast News.

In my unyielding Fassbender-lust, I completely overlooked another hot guy at last night’s Prometheus premiere in London: TOM HARDY. Yes, it was a good night for ladies who love men with big, beautiful beards. I have to admit… my favorite is always Michael Fassbender. Even when he looks like hell, even when his suit is horrible, even when his pants are awful, I still prefer The Fassbender to everyone else. That being said, I always appreciate some Tom Hardy. I wonder why Tom came out for this premiere? He’s worked with Idris Elba before (I think they’re mates), but Idris wasn’t at the premiere. Are Tom Hardy and Fassy friends? Imagine hanging out with both of them together. Imagine…casual flirtations… eye contact… Tom leans in, staring at your mouth… while Fassy slowly runs his fingers on your neck and back. GAH.

Hardy has certainly improved since his unfortunate Bane styles – that was when he shaved his head, bulked up and all of a sudden looked like Shrek. He’s been growing out this mangy beard for a few months, and the rest of his hair has come back in rather nicely. Tom walked the blue carpet for Prometheus solo (or, at least, we only have photos of him solo), but at the after-party, he was with his back-on fiancée Charlotte Riley. I like the way he holds her. If you remember, Tom recently said that Charlotte isn’t interested in marrying him any time soon – “She’s a difficult woman to pin down.” This needy bastard needs to pin me down.

PS… A lot of people think Tom Hardy and Logan Marshall Green look alike. There’s a resemblance, sure, but the vibe is totally different. Tom Hardy is all bedroom eyes and flirtation and Logan is just… I don’t know. He seems kind of awkward.

Photos courtesy of WENN, Pacific Coast News.

Here are some newish photos of Michael Fassbender over the weekend at the Monaco Grand Prix, looking very much like a kid in a candy store. Fassy’s level of excitement for all things car and car-adjacent is a little bit… I don’t know, off-putting for me. I’m not a car person, obviously, and when Michael and I get together, this will have to be something we work on. Like, will he expect me to support and be an equal participant in his car and racing enthusiasm? Or can I simply say, “It’s your thing, sweetheart. I’m fine with this book. You go play with your toys”? What turns Fassy on more: a lady’s sweetshop or a really beautiful car?

Fassy talked to a reporter at the Grand Prix too:

In other Fassy news, there are several new interviews out now for Fassy’s promotion of Prometheus. GQ UK has a new video interview with him here, and I saw this quote that I loved – Fassy on whether he was ever a “sci-fi geek”: “No. Not really. I liked Star Wars I suppose, which is pretty sci-fi. But I’ve never been someone who collected comic books or any of that sort of thing. Other than Star Wars, which I did collect lots of things. [Like the] Ewok village that I still have… and the Millennium Falcon.” Yeah. Not a sci-fi geek but he still has the Millennium Falcon. GEEK!

Here’s a video interview with Fassy from Digital Spy (GAH HIS VOICE!!!!!):

Do you want more of that GQ p0rn? Of course you do.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet.

There are a surprising amount of stories to cover this three-day holiday weekend, and we’ll be getting to them today and tomorrow, of course. But before I begin with the real celebrity gossip, I just had to cover these photos of my boyfriend in the South of France. You Fassbender-stalking loonies didn’t tell me that Fassy came to Monaco!!! But he’s there (or he was there), and these photos are Fassy’s beard-y appearance at the Hugo Boss party. Fassy’s X-Men: First Class buddies, Jennifer Lawrence and Nicholas Hoult were there, and now I’m in love with all of them because these photos are just so cute.

Before I really GO HARD on Fassy, I would like to say that I’m enjoying that Jennifer and Nicholas do seem like a “real couple”. They’re making their long-distance relationship work, they travel to see each other, and I buy that Nicholas is really cool with how Jennifer’s career has exploded since they first got together on the set of X-Men: First Class. And they’re seriously adorable together. I want to think Fassy cosigns this young couple too.

As for Fassy… the beautiful red beard. He’s ginger and beautiful ALL OVER, and he’s proud of it. And the hilarious posing. The shark grin. The suit (which barely contains his thunder). He looks like he’s gained some weight too, and it suits him. He also looks like he’s getting his drink on – which is fine. I wonder if Nicole Beharie managed to make it to Monaco? I couldn’t find any photos of her. Do you think Michael is chatting up the dark, lovely ladies in Monaco?

Update by CB: photos removed at photo agency’s request and replaced by photos of Fassbender at The Formula One Grand Prix on May 27.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet.

Mmm… and now for our weekly Fassbender post. I’m sort of surprised we don’t have more Michael Fassbender news these days. Can a sister get some Prometheus interviews? How about a premiere? Anyway, there’s a surprising amount of Fassy stuff to cover, so let’s get to it. First, The Tonight Show got to air an exclusive clip from Prometheus – it’s Charlize Theron’s character choking the dong-bot David (Fassy). Here you go:

www.PrometheusForum.net by PrometheusForum

They’re whispering so I didn’t quite get it (I’ve watched it half a dozen times too), but is she basically threatening to find his control panel and SHUT IT DOWN?! Where is the control panel located on this particular dong-bot model? His… foot? Probably his foot. You can’t put it somewhere “centrally located” because he would be rebooting constantly as you were trying to use your dong-bot for illicit purposes.

Speaking of Charlize needing a dong-bot, will this woman stop talking about the Fassdong? We get it, Charlize. You love hot Irishmen. Join the club, chica. In a new interview with MTV, Charlize gets asked about Fassy’s dong again and whether it makes an appearance in Prometheus. Charlize jokes, “Oh my god. I don’t think it was available… It was shooting the sequel for ‘Shame’ so we couldn’t get it for ‘Prometheus.’ I had to see it, because it was gone, so it was on dailies from New York. It’s a hitch penis. The penis attaches and works separately, it’s a whole working entity.” Girl. I KNOW. Believe me, I know. It’s fun to talk about the Fassdong. But you seriously need to wait in line.

And finally, Fassy has a new interview with an Irish paper – you can read the full thing here. He talks about being a glorious and proud, natural ginger (the carpets match the drapes) and a lot about Ireland (some of which goes over my head, but I’ll learn). You can read the full piece here, and here are some highlights:

On being ginger: “Yeah, I’m definitely happy to fly the flag for gingers,” nods Michael Fassbender eagerly. “I’ll take that.” He is, it hardly needs to be said, quite far over on the auburn side of the spectrum. “Yes. It’s quite dark. But I have a lot of ginger in my…” He pauses.

On the dong discussion: “It makes no sense. All the crazy things that people do in movies and it’s that that gets all the attention.”

More about the ginger: “I have a lot of ginger in my beard,” continues Fassbender, with a rather more PG-friendly sentiment. “Weirdly, it’s probably from my dad and the German side of the family more than anything else.”

Coming home to Ireland: “But I do love getting home,” he says. “Everybody there is really proud of me. And very supportive.”

Music: “My family were very encouraging that way. My sister and I always played music. Every so often I want to pick up the tin whistle again. I wish I had kept it up a bit better.” He also plays guitar and spent a good portion of his teens wanting to be Kirk Hammett from Metallica. “Slayer. Metallica. Megadeth. I was far more interested in those guys than I was in movies. All I wanted to do was play heavy metal.”

Playing a robot (dong-bot): “Getting the physicality right was the way in,” says Fassbender. “I had that funny, almost robotic walk of Greg Louganis, the diver, in mind. Because I remember that Olympics and all these years later his economy of movement is what I remember best. I watched David Bowie in The Man Who Fell to Earth and Dirk Bogarde in The Servant over and over. And I watched Peter O’Toole in Lawrence of Arabia almost everyday. I came to think of David as having a pride in his work that’s something like vanity.”

Not getting an Oscar nomination: “It did put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day,” he admits. “There had been all this build up and then – oh – what the f–k? I wasn’t overjoyed. By midday I felt better about it but I wouldn’t say I had forgotten all about it either. It’s my own fault. I got caught up in all the hype. It shouldn’t matter. It doesn’t really. But the ego was bit bruised in the aftermath.”

His busy 2011: “I have been out hunting work. I have been out looking to do as much as I can. I had a great run of roles. You don’t say ‘No’ to any of those things. You don’t say ‘No’ to Cronenberg. You don’t say ‘No’ to Steve. You grab and fight for those parts as they come along and you don’t let go. But this year I am looking forward to taking things a bit easier.”

He doesn‘t work on his body: “Yeah. That’s it. That’s my career plan,” he deadpans. “I swear I’m not even trying. I don’t go to the gym. I like running. And I’ve tried surfing. But that scene didn’t really take off until after I had left Kerry. I went swimming when I went home at Christmas but it was freezing and I get a bit nervous in the sea. I’m a good swimmer but I’m not that good. But I’m never going home to work on my body.” He smiles: “Unless it’s for work.”

[From The Irish Times]

God, I’m so glad he didn’t end up with a music career. I would hate to have a crush on some Irish wanker in a heavy metal band. As for his body and how he’s naturally beautiful (seriously, his body is amazing even beyond the Fassdong) – I don’t know. I knew he was a runner, but I suspect he does do some weight training and stuff. He seems bigger (more built) in the past few years. Of course, part of that could be age too – he’s losing that lean 20-something look and filling out, as many men do in their 30s. And as for the ginger… heavenly. He’s all pale and ginger, all over. GAH.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet and PR Photos.

This is a Michael Fassbender post, but it’s also about Prometheus and how much this film is going to rock your panties off (if your panties come off for dark, scary sci-fi). I’m including some shots of Fassy’s GQ shoot, which we already covered earlier this week. Also, did you get a chance to see him in motion in the GQ video? This is, hand of God, the best p0rn ever. I could stare at his face forever and a day. As for his bulge, his eyes, his ALL-BOY-ness, and his natural accent… well, you know.

Second video: the latest viral ad to promote Prometheus. I already covered Fassy’s dong-bot David viral video here. This one is Noomi Rapace’s and it really messed with my head.

Next: Fassy has a new interview with Shortlist Magazine. Unfortunately, there are no new photos. Fortunately, the interview is pretty good (as always – Fassy is a great interview). You can read the full piece here, and here are some highlights:

On his new fame: “It’s funny… I’ve become… ‘popular’ isn’t the word. More interesting, suddenly. I don’t have a lot of friends, so it’s nice to have a lot of people sit down and want to talk to me [laughs]. No, it’s been a hectic year. I actually haven’t done any acting since July. It’s weird. I’m used to preparing a character, going to work and presenting it. This is a bit of a new deal. It’s just airports and hotels. That’s all I’ve really seen. In the past five months I’ve spent, collectively, three weeks at home. No one wants to hear it because I’ve got a very privileged life, but that can get to you after a while.”

He doesn’t stay in character all the time: “No, I bounce in and out. It allows me to see things I might not see if I were in character all the time. What I thought was interesting was him being programmed to react in a certain way. And part of that is him blending in with humans, so does an ego develop to facilitate that? He’s there to serve them, but he’s sort of disliked because they think he might be superior to him. Or just different. Because humans have that thing where they’re like, “Something’s different? Persecute!””

He does creepy really well: “[Android David is] less developed than Ian Holm [laughs]. That’s the way I’m going to describe him from now on. Ridley said, “He’s like the butler,” but there’s a vanity to him. And he always has the answers so there’s a swagger to him, too. In fact, I think he might be kind of creepy. I do creepy well… Yeah. If you’re looking for weird or creepy in a robotic style, call me.”

Not everyone loves him: “I’d been working a lot and suddenly everything came out back-to-back. My friends were saying, “Jesus, we can’t go anywhere without seeing you.” So I’m thinking, “I’d better back off here – familiarity breeds contempt.” And I try not to read things about myself, but occasionally you can’t help it. People who’ve never met you can have really strong opinions about you. And not everyone likes me. It’s kind of scary.”

George Clooney’s comments at the Globes, and Brad Pitt being nice: “Actually, George did come over to me, like you say, and said, “How are you finding all of this?” He’s been through it. He’s really supportive and nourishing. And very generous with his time and encouragement. And I had that with Brad Pitt on Inglourious Basterds, too. Brad Pitt, Quentin Tarantino – it was a big deal, I was nervous, and inside I’m going, “Holy sh*t!” But it was my first scene and Brad starts laughing when I do my character and says, “That’s far out. That’s excellent,” which put me at ease. And then he went back to Los Angeles and was talking to people in the industry over there about me.”

Hobbies: “I tried jet-skiing in Mexico on holiday and I turned the thing upside down. The guy with me wasn’t happy – we had to swim back to shore. I like go-karting, though. That’s what I’ll do if I get free time on my hands. In terms of a hobby, that’s my favourite thing to do.”

Another Clooney story: “It was just funny. Earlier that day [before the Globes], we’d been hanging out playing ping pong. It’s like, “I’m playing ping pong with George Clooney.” It’s those moments where you do sort of pinch yourself – “Is this really happening?” But he gave me a little precursor to it.”

[Via Shortlist]

My favorite part is the Brad Pitt thing – Fassy has shown Brad some love before, in other interviews, but I like that Fassy always name-drops Brad as a supporter of his career, and someone who has helped get him work in Hollywood. Brad and Michael are going to be working together on 12 Years a Slave, with Steve McQueen, and maybe even The Counselor too – Brad successfully blocked Angelina Jolie from the project, it seems. Because although Brad loves Michael, Brad doesn’t want his lady anywhere near the Fassbender.

Photos courtesy of GQ’s slideshow.

GAH. I just had a spiritual experience reading Michael Fassebender’s GQ cover profile for the June issue. This is Fassy’s first appearance on the cover of a major American men’s magazine. Sure, he’s been profiled by tons of magazines, and GQ even named him the “breakout of 2011” but for the most part, Fassy’s covers have been in European publications. So this is his arrival in the American media. It feels good too. Especially when the full cover story (here) is so detailed and interesting, and when the photo shoot (here) is super-sexy. Here are some delicious highlights:

Mm, paddles: In the middle of [his London apartment] is a mini Ping-Pong table, borrowed from his British agent, who lives nearby. “Now that it’s here,” says Fassbender, “it’s not going. This table has been the best contribution for fun I’ve had in a long time. This table has seen some action…” He pauses, laughs. “That sounds wrong.” But has it? I say, gently pushing. “Just the paddles,” he deflects, and of course he then realizes that this sounds wrong, too, in exactly the same way.

All of the dong jokes: “It’s fun to a point,” he says of these situations he has been facing, “and after a certain point you worry that it kind of detracts from the movie. But there’s nothing I can do. I just have to laugh it off. I can. Pretty much. Because I take my work seriously but I can’t take myself too seriously. I’m in such a crazy privileged position—shit, this is the pinnacle of the dream when I was 17…. Nobody wants to hear really how difficult it is.”

Why he didn‘t get nominated for an Oscar for Shame: Usually for movie pissing the liquid you see is actually coming from a hidden tube, but he was nude. For the first two takes, he wasn’t able to do anything, but he announced on-set before the third that it would happen, and it did. “Actually pretty proud,” he says. And then he laughs and says—more blurts out, really—”That peeing cost me an Oscar.” He is not entirely serious. Nor will he endorse Steve McQueen’s slightly broader stated view: “In America they’re too scared of sex, that’s why he wasn’t nominated.” “I don’t know—I don’t think so,” says Fassbender. “Steve is a passionate man. There’s not much filtering with Steve, and I love him for that.” But he’s starkly honest in acknowledging that there was a concerted campaign to get him nominated—”They promised me paradise!” he blares—and how his expectations were raised.

Disappointment that he wasn‘t nominated: “At the beginning people [say], ‘You’re going to be going to the Oscars,’ and you’re like, ‘Whatever, doesn’t matter, don’t think so.’ But after a while it does penetrate. After a while you’re like, ‘Anyway, so I’m going to the Oscars…’ ” He laughs. “And you start to believe it. And I did. I thought I was going. And then I found out I wasn’t and I was upset. I was very upset by it. The first reaction was ‘What the f–k…?’ ” He sounds frustrated that he had let himself get sucked in. “It’s a vanity thing. It does become important to you. And it shouldn’t.” On reflection, he decided that he had learned something about misplaced priorities. “A good little lesson.”

On his blonde hairstyle in Prometheus: Fassbender also dutifully adopted the Peter O’Toole-esque hairstyle required, albeit with less enthusiasm. “Perfect for the character,” he notes, but as Michael Fassbender he hated it. “I don’t think peroxide-blond hair is a beneficial look for me,” he says. “I just looked at myself and I was like, ‘Five-pound rent boy.’ ” (Or, translated into American: $8 male prostitute.)

He cooks: He mentions that he has recently started cooking again. “If there’s friends around, I’ll cook. Or if I have a girlfriend. But on my own I kind of fell out of the habit of it, and it’s a shame really because I know it’s good for me. It’s something quite therapeutic.”

His relationship with Shame co-star Nicole Beharie: “I’m seeing Nicole, we’re trying to see each other as often as possible,” he acknowledges. “That’s kind of difficult when she lives [in New York] and I live in England.” He says they got together during the film’s promotion. “Nothing happened while we were filming. We started talking more on the promotion thing. So, yeah, it just sort of unfolded like that.” Presumably that’s why he’s now back in New York for a couple of days, though he doesn’t say so.

[From GQ]

I suggest all of the Fass-loonies go and read the piece, because there are some interesting anecdotes and even some new sides to Fassbender that I didn’t know he had. Like, Fassy is quite capable of being kind of bitchy – he was talking about a rude interviewer who just wanted to talk about his dong and how she had written something about how he was probably up for showing it off, and Fassy has a bitchy insult for that woman. He also hates hovering waiters. Just FYI.

Photos courtesy of Mario Testino/GQ.

SWEET HOLY GINGER.

That’s a good photo, right? I believe it’s an outtake from Michael Fassbender’s Esquire UK pictorial. Fassy pictorials are the gifts that keep on giving! And as the Prometheus promotional tour begins, I’m expecting more magazine appearances from Fassy. Apparently, he’s got a feature in the new Elle UK – the photos seem to old pics from Fassy‘s appearance in GQ last year, but the interview seems new! Here’s more from the Elle interview:

Michael Fassbender says Los Angeles “makes you soft”. The actor was born in Germany, raised in Ireland and has lived in England for the past 15 years. Michael has no desire to set up home in Los Angeles after falling in love with life in London.

“I’ve met some cool people out there who say I haven’t found the right LA, but I just prefer here,” he told the latest UK edition of Elle. “I think LA makes you soft – people never get anything done. It’s a city where people give out their business cards. I think London has a sense of humour. I like the parks, I like the mentality here. I like walking. I like the immediacy of the city.”

The 35-year-old hunk is one of the biggest names in Hollywood after appearing in movies such as Shame, Inglourious Basterds, A Dangerous Method and X-Men: First Class. Despite his successful career, Michael still enjoys anonymity. He is relieved that he can continue going out in public without being mobbed by fans and insists he never craved fame.

“I don’t really get noticed. That part hasn’t really changed. I thought it would in the last few months, but no,” he explained. “I’m not bothered about being famous. That was never the game plan. I wanted to be good – that was the goal.”

[Via Film News]

Sh-t. This means that I’ll have to move to London to become his girlfriend? I mean, I’ll totally do it, but it would have been more interesting if he had come to me. Why don’t we compromise and live in NYC? Oh, and I totally don’t believe that he goes unrecognized in London. Several of you British Fassy-obsessed girls follow me on Twitter, and his movements are being well-documented. He does not go by unnoticed. (PS… Fassloonies, please keep sending me updates, I love them!)

Also, Charlize Theron, Fassy and NOOMI RAPACE (!!) appear on the cover of this week’s Entertainment Weekly. I love how O’Toole-ish Fassy looks here:

Meanwhile, Fassbender will be going somewhere he’s never gone, all to promote Prometheus. Yes, Fassy is scheduled to appear at the MTV Movie Awards. Crap!!!! Now I have to watch it, right? Fassy is a confirmed presenter for the June 3rd ceremony, along with Charlize Theron, Mila Kunis, Kristen Stewart, Andrew Garfield and on and on. You can read more about it here. It should be a very kid-friendly event, although I’m not sure that’s a good thing. Did you hear that Prometheus has gotten an R-rating? Well, Damon Lindelof, the writer and executive producer of Prometheus, tweeted this gem:

Damon Lindelof is listening to us. He knows what’s in our souls. And seriously, WHY NOT? Why not have David the Dong-bot drop trou at some point during the movie? It would make the movie better. Trust me.

Photos courtesy of the Fassbender the Ginger Tumblr.

Back in April, I nearly had to quit this job and start writing sexually explicit Michael Fassbender-Angelina Jolie fan fiction full time. It was widely reported that Fassy and Jolie would soon be at work together on Ridley Scott’s adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s The Counselor. Well, Fassbender is still very much attached to the film, but it looks like Angelina is out. Perhaps Brad Pitt found another way to Fassdong-block her? If you were Brad Pitt and you knew your baby-mama was considering a job that involved writhing around with Michael Fassbender (once again, this is just in my fan fiction version), wouldn’t you put your foot down? Fassbender is the relationship dealbreaker. But it’s good news for Cameron Diaz, who now seems like she’s got the role meant for Angelina?

No, you’re not reading this wrong: Cameron Diaz is joining Ridley Scott’s “The Counselor,” taking the role previously eyed by Angelina Jolie. And yes, we’re just as surprised as you are.

Twitch have broken the news, marking a rather surprising twist in the casting of the highly anticipated film based on a spec script by literary master Cormac McCarthy. In a project that has seen a ton of names come up to bat looking to for a role, Diaz is a name that hasn’t been mentioned, and really, isn’t quite in the same calibre as the other talent involved. But it looks like she has impressed all the right people and is taking on a role that is very much outside her wheelhouse.

Reports have bene conflicting about which roles actresses have sought, but according to Twitch, Jolie was looking at the role of Malkina (some said she was toying with the smaller part of Laura), the Almodóvarean femme fatale of the film. Penelope Cruz was last reported to be kicking the tires on the part but it looks like the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie power couple casting for the movie won’t be panning out. Sorry tabloids. But hell, this marks the bravest role Diaz has taken on, well, ever.

The story follows an attorney (Michael Fassbender) who is in search of a big payday after he proposes to his girlfriend, Laura. So he hooks up with Reiner (Bardem), an acquaintance with deep criminal ties, for a new business proposition: they’ll take $20 million worth of cocaine from south of the border and offload it themselves, aided by the no-good Westray (Pitt). As you might imagine, things do not go well for anyone involved. In the script, Malkina is a hyper-sexualized Argentinean woman who’s hooked up with Reiner, and it’s pretty meaty part all around. But obviously, it has be tweaked to fit Diaz and like we said, she’s never really done anything like this ever, so it’s a ballsy move.

[From Indie Wire]

Yes, I heard rumors that Angelina was thinking about doing a glorified cameo as the fiancée, not the hot-to-trot lady. So maybe Camy will end up with the meaty role and Angelina still might play Fassy’s fiancée? Or we could just wait until the Cleopatra casting sorts itself out. CoughFassyIsMarcAntonycough. Anyway, it’s assumed that Jolie backed away from this potential commitment because filming Maleficent will probably take up her whole summer.

Speaking of Maleficent, The Hollywood Reporter has some interesting additions to the cast. Elle Fanning will be playing Aurora (the princess), Sharlto Copley will play “the half-human, half-fairy bastard son of the human king” (WTF?). And Imelda Staunton (I love her) and Miranda Richardson have just joined the cast – they’ll be playing Knotgrass and Flittle “two of the three pixies who end up taking care of Aurora.” Oh, and that young actor Sam Riley will be in it too. He’s in On the Road – he’s got that weird, haunting beauty – apparently he’s playing “Diaval, a raven who changes into human form and is Maleficent’s right hand.”

Photos courtesy of WENN.