Last night, Shame premiered at the AFI Fest. Michael Fassbender was there. A commenter already emailed me to tell me that she met him last night and “When he talks to you he focuses on you. 100% eye contact – like there’s no one else in the room. It was a bit much. Still recovering…” SLUT!!!!! The slut dagger is unsheathed, my friends. I love all of you (well, most of you, let’s be real), and I love that my lover Fassie is getting more and more love from you bitches, but SRSLY. Don’t be touching my Fassdong. GAH! No, you can touch him. You can actually look at the Fassdong and stuff. Just promise me that you’ll email me (kaiser@celebitchy.com) or tweet me (KaiseratCB) and tell me exactly what the experience was like.

So… yes. Michael was at the premiere, as was his director, Steve McQueen, who was rocking a long skirt, of course. McQueen is pretty awesome, right? Fassie looks tired but gorgeous. He’s worn this gray suit before, but it’s one of my favorites. It makes his beautiful blue eyes pop. I love that his ginger is growing out. Oh, and LOOK AT HIS BULGE. Jesus Christ. The Fassdong’s magnificent largeness is comparable to The Hamm Dong, I swear. He hangs to the right (his right).

Since I’m such a Fassie-obsessive, I thought I’d share this article which is about a week old. It’s all about how Fassie’s on-screen sexual partners were cast in Shame, and there’s an anecdote about tequila and cigarettes in here that made me lose consciousness. These lucky bitches.

Finding an actress who can convey nuance without uttering a line of dialogue is hard. Finding that kind of talent in someone who’s also willing to take off her clothes? That’s almost impossible.

“I had so many passes I couldn’t even tell you,” said Avy Kaufman, a casting director who faced precisely that challenge in casting the NC-17-rated “Shame,” Steve McQueen’s New York-set drama about a taciturn sex addict named Brandon (Michael Fassbender) that hits theaters Dec 2. “I was unbelievably frustrated.”

Kaufman is a veteran of her craft, having cast complicated productions such as “The Sixth Sense” and “Brokeback Mountain.” But she had a unique assignment from McQueen, who wanted top-quality performers even for tiny parts like Brandon’s fly-by-night sex partners. The idea was that those partners would propel the story forward with their silence, showing Brandon’s state of mind, or even suggesting the history of their relationship with a look or a gesture. The actresses, of course, also had to meet certain physical requirements.

Perhaps the trickiest of those castings was for the character of “Hotel Lover,” a woman summoned by Brandon to a hotel in the middle of the afternoon. In the scene, “Hotel Lover” has sex with Brandon standing up, against a floor-to-ceiling window, and utters only a quick line of dialogue afterward (about her earrings).

Kaufman — who would put prospective actresses at ease by having young, Fassbender-ish men from her office read with them — located Amy Hargreaves, a stage and screen actress who has gone on to a recurring part on Showtime’s “Homeland.” She and Fassbender prepared for their scene, well, the only way one might: by smoking a cigarette and downing a shot of tequila. “I’m so proud of what we did in the film,” Hargreaves said, then added with a laugh, “Though I’m glad it’s getting an NC-17 — my parents will never see it.”

Another actress, Lucy Walters, appears in the opening and closing moments of “Shame” as a newlywed with whom Brandon eye-flirts on the subway. She doesn’t get a word of dialogue but manages to communicate with her looks and her gestures the arc that Fassbender’s character has taken over the course of the film.

“It’s super-easy to have a charged scene with someone as relaxed or as sexy as Michael Fassbender,” said Walters, who was cast after receiving a message at 11 pm to head to a club “in a dodgy part of town” where “Shame” was already shooting. “But there’s a lot more going on there than just sex.”

Kaufman said she feels that Walters’ performance validates the unusual casting process. “How many times are there actors you don’t have one line and you remember them. I can’t think of another time that’s happened.”

[From The Los Angeles Times]

“It’s super-easy to have a charged scene with someone as relaxed or as sexy as Michael Fassbender… But there’s a lot more going on there than just sex.” YES. There is also a hell of a lot of orgasming happening, for him and for the viewer. Plus, you learn a lot about yourself when you are in love with Michael Fassbender. You learn that you will do ANYTHING for a piece of the Fassdong.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Yesterday, I was frustrated because there were several good stories hanging around, but we didn’t have access to those particular photo agencies. In particular, it’s always painful when we don’t have whatever new Michael Fassbender photos, as he is my immortal beloved, and the major agencies don’t always care about getting good pics of him. Two nights ago, Steven Soderbergh’s Haywire had a screening at the AFI Fest. Haywire’s lead, Gina Carano, was there, as was Soderbergh, Michael Fassbender and Ewan McGregor (Ewan and Fassie have supporting parts in the film) – you can see photos here and here. I’m just adding some screen caps from the video. Joel McHale was basically the host/interviewer of the screening, and he got to ask questions afterwards. There’s video of the event, at least. My stomach flipped when Michael leaned in to whisper something to Gina. SLUT. *deep breath*

I like when Fassie is a gentleman and tries to give his mic to that crazy woman, only to pull it away from her midway through her crazy rant. Classic.

So here you go. Please stop sending me emails about this because it makes me want to unsheath my slut dagger and thrust it into my own Fassie-loving heart. Trust that I have a Fassie Google Alert (I don’t really, I just Google him excessively). Trust that I’m on top of all things Fassie, and that if I’m not writing about him, it’s because I’m sad that we don’t have access to the photos. But if you (SLUTS) do have an interesting Fassie story, like you got a chance to meet him or you “accidentally” saw the Fassdong in person, you can email at kaiser@celebitchy.com or tweet me at KaiseratCB.

Here are some screen caps from the video.

Photos courtesy of Fame, WENN & video screen caps.

Sigh… it’s a good day. New Michael Fassbender photos! Praise Jesus. Fassie was in Berlin for the premiere of A Dangerous Method. Alas, his hot partner in dong, Viggo Mortensen, was not at the premiere – it was just Fassie, David Cronenberg and some assorted German celebrities. Sidenote: Can I just say? Showtime has been playing Inglourious Basterds on an endless loop lately, and I keep getting stuck watching all of the Fassie parts. He was so pretty and wonderful in that film. I love him so much.

Anyway, last night he was wearing this great blue suit and tie. Dark colors work so much better on him than silvers, greys or even white. The last time I saw Fassie in a white t-shirt, I thought he looked methy. But even then, I wasn’t complaining. I love how many new photos there are of Fassie lately. I can’t wait for the American premieres of A Dangerous Method and Shame – those premieres should be coming in the next month. GAH! How will I be able to function?

Speaking of Shame, Fassie just got nominated for Lead Actor for a British Independent Film Award. Carey Mulligan got nominated too. Which leads me to wonder… when the nominations are being handed out in America, and the Oscar campaigns really begin in earnest, will people put any money behind Fassie to get him an Oscar nomination for Shame? The safer bet might be Best Supporting Actor (or lead?) for A Dangerous Method, but Shame is coming into the awards season with all of the buzz, and I bet you ten dollars Fassie gets a Golden Globe nomination for lead actor in a Drama for Shame. Sigh… Fassie on more red carpets! Seriously, how will I function?

I’m adding a few photos from the London Film Festival that I didn’t get around to using before. The photo where he’s looking soulful and slightly earnest (and dirty) while looking directly into the camera…? That’s why I love him. Because he is capable of giving me so much pleasure just with that expression that is part lust, part smirk, part naked earnestness. Jesus Christ, I love this man. I will totally marry him someday.

Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.

Most days, I know the Jennifer Aniston fan-girls want to drive a stake through my heart. But I know I’m having a good day when the Brangelina fan-girls get all frothy and worked up over something I’ve said. I like Brangelina – but I’ve always been more of a fan of Angelina than Brad. Wherever Angelina goes from here, I’m interested. And should she and Brad ever break up… well, I’ll still be Team Jolie. I bring this up because I want Angelina to have a torrid affair with Michael Fassbender. Ten years ago, if they had met under different circumstances, I think it would have been ON. Even though he usually goes for the darker girls, I think he would have made an exception for her. Just sit for a minute and think about how hot Fassie and Angie would be together… excellent, right?

Fassie and Jolie do know each other, by the way. At least, they know each other in passing. Brad Pitt and Fassbender have already worked together once – on Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds. They had one scene together, but they promoted the film together in Cannes, and Angelina was there, so… “Angelina, this is Michael Fassbender. Fassie, this is La Jolie.” Their eyes met. Electricity. The handshake lingers. Angelina narrows her eyes as she calmly assesses her new prey. Michael takes in her figure, her lips all in one sweeping gaze. Finally, they release each other‘s hands. “Nice to meet you,” Angelina says. “Yes, yes, it is,” Michael says. Sigh…

Anyway, Angelina is going to have another opportunity to get close to the Fassdong! Brad Pitt has just signed on to Fassie’s new film, Twelve Years A Slave, directed by his Shame and Hunger director and friend Steve McQueen. Here’s more:

There is no greater arthouse bromance right now than the one between director Steve McQueen and actor Michael Fassbender. The duo first paired up on “Hunger,” which brought them both some considerable attention, and this year they are dominating the fall movie chatter with the NC-17 sex-addiction drama “Shame.” They’ve already lined up their next collaboration, “Twelve Years A Slave,” which also stars Chiwetel Ejiofor, and now one of the biggest actors in the world is lining up to join them.

Brad Pitt, who is producing the film via his Plan B shingle, and has been developing the project for years, is taking a role as well. It can be easy to confuse which films the actor is producing or starring in—or both—however, this news cropped up in a recent Screen Daily report about the project, and Plan B told us that the trade story was accurate, though they could not provide any further details.

Co-written by McQueen and John Ridley (”Bobby,” “Three Kings”), the movie is based on the 1853 autobiography written by Solomon Northup, a free black man who was tricked into slavery. Educated, married and living in New York, Northup was lured by a job offer in Washington only to be kidnapped and put in a slave pen, leading to years of enslavement under various owners. He finally earned back his freedom when a white Canadian carpenter who opposed slavery smuggled letters to Northup’s wife, which helped launch a court case that eventually set him free.

[From Indie Wire]

I adore Chiwetel Ejiofor too – and he has already worked with Angelina on Salt. So that’s her opening, right? She goes to set to “visit Brad” and tells him, “Oh, I just want to see if I can find Chewy” - sidenote: Chiwetel Ejiofor’s friends call him “Chewy” – and so Angelina wanders off to some dark corner, where she find Fassie waiting for her…

COME ON. You can’t tell me you wouldn’t love it.

But as always, it’s great to hear that Michael has signed on for yet another film, and this time working with Brad again. Fassie loves to work. He’s going to win an Oscar very, very soon.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Yesterday, the Viggo Mortensen-Michael Fassbender thing was by far the biggest and best post of the day, no disrespect to all of the other posts. I asked a series of questions regarding the Viggodong and the Fassdong, like “If you had to choose one for a one-night-stand and one for a relationship, which would you choose for what?” I thought it was fair fight, judging from the new Dangerous Method photo call pics – Fassie looked unkempt and randy, Viggo looked dashing and suave. We had a lot of fun trying to choose and come up with situations in which many of us could have equal time with the Sophie’s Choice of dongs.

But then I was looking through these new photos of last night’s Dangerous Method premiere at the London Film Festival. Okay… it’s no longer a fair fight. FASSBENDER WINS. Can you seriously look at these photos and NOT choose Fassie? Viggo looks like he’s wearing makeup! And the makeup was not applied correctly. Is he wearing lip gloss? Meanwhile, Fassie is all dongy and beautiful in a great grey suit and my GOD his ginger is so dark and gorge. Sigh… Fassbender for a night of passion AND a relationship. No, wait. Viggo for a night, just to see what the fuss is about. And Fassie for forever. Fassbender Eternity. Fassbender Infinity.

That being said, if you still choose Viggo over Fassie, that’s more Fassdong for me. So have at LipGloss Mortensen. (Sidenote: CB just told me that she would still choose Viggo over Fassie, even with the lipstick. So… have at him, ladies. More Fassbender for me!)

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Sigh… it’s now a good day. Mondays usually suck so hard, and it was so inky black when I woke up and I had a dream about a sketchy ex last night and I’ve been thinking about him all morning (he was sketchy, but he was hung) and I can’t wait for Daylight Savings to end so that it will actually be light out when I wake up and basically, today was really sucking. HARD. And then these photos popped up.

Michael Fassbender, with his ginger growing out and now looking so coppery and deep, autumnal red. Then there’s Viggo, who must has found the Fountain of Youth years ago, because this man JUST turned 53 years old – can you believe that? These are photos from the photo call for A Dangerous Method at the London Film Festival. Why didn’t Keira Knightley show up? Because her performance was the weak link in the film? Because she had other junk to do besides stand next to Viggo and Fassie? Further proof that Keira isn’t that bright – she gave up an opportunity to stand next to Fassie and Viggo! How much would you pay for that chance? I have a figure in mind.

So… here’s the question. In some kind of desert island situation, and the rule was “You can only sleep with ONE of these dudes,” who would it be? Fassbender or Viggo? Now here’s another one: if you had to choose one dude to have a relationship with and one dude to just have one night of passion with, which would be your choices? I would pick Viggo for the one night of passion, and Fassie for the relationship. No! Wait. I can’t decide! It’s like the Sophie’s Choice of dong. No, it’s always Fassie. Forever Fassie.

PS… this post better get A LOT of comments. Damn it, we need more Fassie and Viggo on this site!

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Oh, Fassbender, my love for thee is constant and unyielding, a persistent weed in your rolling field of ginger wheat. Also, I like your dong. You know what’s funny? By far, the most mail I get is from the Fass-loonies, and yet not all of my posts about Fassie are big comment-getters. Why is that? Are you Fassloonies just lurkers, unsure of whether or not you should openly declare your love, especially given my slut dagger threats? You bitches have got my number! Seriously, though, there’s enough Fassie to go around. He’s mine, but I’ll share him (sometimes). So all of ye Fassloonies, cometh. Speaking of coming (srsly), Michael has a newish interview in The Times (Magazine). I read the print edition yesterday, and there are some juicy quotes in here. I love his interviews so much – Michael is…real. Sure, he has moments where I think he’s slightly pretentious, but for the most part, he’s just a good actor who doesn’t mind talking about himself, and he’s got a very well-adjusted outlook on life. He’s not angsty, he’s not morose, but he’s not uncomfortably happy either. He’s just funny, wry, intelligent and rather kind. I love him.

On his Prometheus hair (short and blond): “I thought I looked like a ten-quid rentboy.”

On flying below the radar, unlike his ‘Basterds’ costar Brad Pitt: “A young female fan base is the toughest to slip and slide away from. I don’t suppose Robert Pattinson could just stroll down to Tesco without getting mobbed. It is nice to be able to go out and continue to observe people, a luxury as an actor.”

On his family’s financial troubles when he was young: “I’d ask for trainers or fashionable clothes and be told we couldn’t afford them. It teaches you a lot. It surprises me the people of my age who turn around and say, ‘It’s not fair!’ I learnt that very young. You always have to be smiling and happy when you’re in front of the house, no matter what is going on in the kitchen or in your own life.”

On his extreme weight loss for Hunger: “It’s pretty frightening. I started to understand how mentally all-encompassing it becomes and what it must be like for people with eating disorders. I was kind of monk-like. It was like 40 days and 40 nights alone in the desert…”

On LA: “I’m afraid of what I could become if I lived in LA for too long.”

On being self-reliant and liking solitude: “I think that is my trump card in this industry. That when I put my mind to something, I go for it uncompromisingly.”

On relationships: “If you have a relationship you can work around it by focusing on the time you have together, which helps you not take each other for granted.”

On Fass-babies: He sounds far from wanting to start a family, asking how with such a haphazard life, away for weeks or rising at 4 am, he could be a good father. “I’d want to be able to put them before everything else. But at the moment my job is the most important thing for me. I want to give it everything I can.”

[From The Times, print edition]

So… when Michael and I marry, I won’t get pregnant right away. That’s fine with me. I’ll enjoy “practicing” with the Fassdong for months. Years, even. All in the name of his career! What do you think about his comments about relationships and babies? As much as I enjoy joking around about The Fassbender, I don’t actually get the impression that he’s a womanizer. I think he’s very confident with women (obviously, the man is sex on sticks), and he could very easily bed most women he comes across, but he doesn’t. I never hear stories about him like I do with, say, Gerard Butler, or even Ryan Gosling. Either Michael is out there, boning everything that moves and he just keeps his junk tight, OR he’s happier in a relationship, however transitory, and he’s not out to get his rocks off with a different girl every single night. Sigh… single Fassbender. We need to introduce him to Rihanna. Imagining their sex life together… that’s really, really hot.

Oh, and Michael just signed on for another new film called 12 Years a Slave. It’s being directed by Steve McQueen, the director of Shame and Hunger. McQueen and Fassie are tight, and you can read more about the project here. Brad Pitt’s producing!

UPDATE: Um, the trailer for Shame just came out today. JESUS CHRIST, FASSIE. I won’t be able to work for the rest of the day. Just… prepare yourselves. He pants throughout the whole thing. And when he whispers, “Slowly”… my biscuits were all “PRAISE JESUS!!” I am a believer. Fassie is magnificent.

Some new photos:

Some old photos:

Scans from the print edition of The Times courtesy of MF Online.

Yes, Fassbitches. Another Michael Fassbender story. In my defense, there are new photos of him. These are pics from the New York Film Festival premiere of Shame. I’m pretty sure this suit is the same one he wore to the X-Men: First Class premiere. I don’t like him in silver or grey. He looks better in blue and black. And green. And naked. But I’ll take my Fassie however I can get him.

Several days ago, Michael was at the NYFF premiere of A Dangerous Method, so… I’m very happy that he has two good, solid films to support this awards season. It’s very exciting for him, because I’m getting more and more confident that he’s going to be nominated for an Oscar this year. I don’t know for which one, but if I had to place a bet today, I would say lead actor for Shame, rather than supporting actor for Method. I think that once the Academy sees The Fassdong (the actual dong), they will move heaven and earth to get that dong to the Oscars.

I have mixed feelings about My Fassie at the Oscars as a nominee. I’m mostly happy for him, proud of him, and burning up with lustful anticipation for an awards season that will be full of Fassie. But there’s a small part of me that worries that if Fassie is recognized this year, he’ll suddenly become very mainstream and “People Magazine’s Sexiest Fassdong.” The whole point of loving/lusting Fassie is that he’s been a dirty, hot, amazing “secret” for so many years. Sigh… not that I would blame every heterosexual woman (and even some of the lesbians) for falling deeply in love with Fassbender. He’s amazing.

Oh, I saw that some commenters were discussing which celebrity he should hook up with now, and some of you think it should be Rihanna. Can I just say? I kind of agree. I think Rihanna and Fassie would dirty-hot and amazing together. He likes darker-skinned ladies, she loves big dicks. They both like to drink and party. It’s a match made in heaven.

I’m including a recent interview with my Fassie (his voice is so beautiful!) and some photos of Michael’s Shame costar, James Badge Dale… I know some of you like Dale, but standing next to Fassbender, he looks like a eunuch.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

I want to thank you bitches so much for the outpouring of support for my obsession/love/lust for Michael Fassbender. He’s so beautiful and talented, and I’m slowly allowing myself to share him. Just keep in mind that I own several slut shanks, slut daggers and slut machetes, so hands off the Fassdong, okay? Look but don’t touch. Anyway, one of the best parts about sharing my long-standing Fassie love is that all of you dear readers have become Fassdong-seeking missiles who send in videos and photos of my beloved. So this post is basically just a tip-driven post including lots of goodies my fellow Fass-loonies have sent in.

First off, Michael at a press conference for Shame. HOT.

Next, this lovely little interview via The NYT. Fassie talks about Shame, intimacy, sexual addiction and… “masturbation”. I swear, the way he says “masturbation” with his accent, it sounds like poetry. I LOVE HIM. Crap… I can’t embed it. Go here to see. And there’s a new poster for Shame too! Unfortunately, there’s no Fassbender in the poster, but it is a beautiful, striking, unusual image for a poster.

Shame also has a release date – December 2nd. That’s just for the limited release, which means probably only LA, NYC, maybe Chicago and DC, I guess. I’m not traveling to see the Fassdong, but I’ll buy it when it comes out on DVD.

Commenter LucyOriginal was also at the screening of A Dangerous Method with David Cronenberg and Michael Fassbender, and she got to walk side by side with him. Bitch. And another fan sent in this photo of Fassie looking dong-tacular. Mouth-watering.

Thanks for all of your support, ladies!

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Dear Michael Fassbender,

Why aren’t you mine? Why can’t we be married? This isn’t the kind of situation like I have with Gerard Butler, where I know he’s a dirty bastard who will eventually fall for me (at least for one night). I don’t want you for just a night, and I’m not content with “eventually”. I look at photos of you and I’m filled with longing, lust and love. You are so beautiful and ginger and handsome and joyful. I love you so much.

Some people are eager to set you with up with random celebrity women now that you and Zoe Kravitz are (finally) done. It’s like they don’t know you at all. You’re not going to end up with some blonde cat-face. You’re not going to end up with some twitchy, emo It Girl. I know what you like. You like dark girls with juicy lips and loads of self-confidence. You like them a little bit crazy (or a lot crazy). You like to rub your ginger on Mocha Vagina (my Bond Girl name, FYI).

These new photos of you – at last night’s NYC premiere of A Dangerous Method – are ridiculous. “Ridiculous” meaning “You’re wearing the f–k out of that suit and the camera is molesting every inch of your beauty.” I’m so glad you don’t look methy or crackie in these photos – I feel like you’ve lost some weight recently. Are you sick? Stressed out? Or did you lose weight for a movie? I know you do that sometimes, because you’re so talented and “method”. I really like your scruff – and I love the length of your hair these days. I hope you grow it out even longer. Will you do that for me?

I hope you are the best reviewed cast member out of A Dangerous Method. I don’t mind Viggo, but honestly, every other actor can eat a bag of dicks compared to you and your talent. Are you preparing for the awards season? I hope you are. I hope you get nominated for ‘Method’ (Best Supporting) and/or Shame (Best Actor). I hope you’re a double nominee. I hope you grace every red carpet. I hope you continue to work the hell out of your suits and tuxedos. I hope you win and you stand up there at the Kodak Center and you tear up during your broguey victory speech.

But really, I hope you come to Virginia to propose to me very soon.

Sincerely yours,
K.

Photos courtesy of WENN.