Here is Beyonce’s new music video for “Countdown”. First of all, I dislike the song. It seems all over the place, and… I don’t know, I’m just not humming it. It’s not a “get this dumb song stuck in your head” kind of song, which is what Beyonce specializes in. Secondly, the video is all over the place too. Beyonce jacks (“borrows”) classic images from Funny Face, West Side Story, and many other films, plus lots of 1960s styling and the mother lode of wigs, wiglets, hairpieces, bangs trauma add-ons and weaves. I think Bey must have blown through her Wiglet Budget for 2011 with this video. The result is… visually intriguing, but I feel like Bey has done this a million times before (“this” being the 1960s stuff, plus stealing from other works). It just seems kind of boring:

Did you notice what I noticed? The discrepancy with the “bump”? In some of the shots, Beyonce is caressing what seems like a substantial “bump” and then in other shots, it’s barely there. Don’t even yell at me and say it’s just the angles playing tricks with my eyes. Bitch is wearing padding when it’s convenient for her. I really don’t understand WHY she’s doing it when it’s so obvious. It’s like when Katie Holmes was pregnant with Suri – I believed she was genuinely pregnant (just as I believe Beyonce is), but the discrepancies in the size of the bumps from month to month was so disturbing, and so obviously a padding issue. Ugh.

Oh, and Beyonce’s TWEAKED FACE is killing me. It’s killing me that no one major is calling her out on her major face work.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Have you seen Jennifer Lopez’s new music video for “Papi”? It’s actually kind of cute. It reminds me a lot of that totally awesome Sandra Bullock movie, Love Potion No. 9. God, I LOVE that movie. Remember when it used to come on TV, like, every day? Anyway, Jennifer Lopez takes a bite of a magic cookie because she’s told that a small bite will bring back her “Papi”. Jennifer accidentally takes a large bite, and because of that, every single dude she comes across gets caught up in the J. Lo Tractor-Beam of Lust. Except… it’s not really lust. Because most of the guys seem like Jennifer’s gay back-up dancers.

It’s cute, right? I’m not hallucinating, right? It’s one of Jennifer’s most enjoyable videos in a while. Most of J.Lo’s recent videos have been all about luxury and excess, this one is just about Jennifer thinking she’s the hottest thing ever. Like, of course every dude out there is trying to chase her down. OF COURSE. Also, you may notice the very obvious product placement for Crown Royal, Blackberry and Fiat – that’s on purpose. J.Lo got PAID.

Below are some new photos of Jennifer on the set of her new movie, Parker. Yes, that’s Jason Statham. I don’t even know whose idea it was to put Jennifer with Jason Statham, or who thought it would be funny to put Jason in a cowboy hat. According to Coming Soon, “The movie is based on the book series by Donald Westlake which revolves around a thief who, though at times is forced to be a killer, still lives by a code of honor that includes never stealing money from people who need it. His word is his bond, and if he is crossed he will strike back relentlessly.” Sure. Jason and his gigantic cowboy hat will strike back.

Photos courtesy of Fame.

A while ago, Kim Kardashian recorded a song called “Jam (Turn It Up)” which was produced by The Dream. The single was… awful. Kim really has no discernable talent – she can’ sing, she can’t dance, she can’t act. All she can do is jack her cat-face and push her ass out. Which brings me to the music video for the single. Now, I think Kim filmed the music video early this year – like, February. Gee, I wonder why this thing was buried for months? Oh, right. Here’s the “teaser” clip of the music video:

Um, did we really need to see the ass shot of Kim crawling on the ground? Did her ass need to be so shiny?!? The camera came in so close, I felt like Kim’s gynecologist (that poor bastard).

You know what I just realized? This is, like, my epiphany of the day: Kim Kardashian is not sexy in the least. You can dip her in a vat of baby oil, you can jack her cat-face with Botox and fillers, you can throw a mountain of makeup on her, you can put her in poorly-cut vinyl, but at the end of the day, Kim has the sex appeal of a wet noodle. Yikes.

In case you were just dying to hear the complete single:

Photos courtesy of Kim’s Celebuzz site.

We’re trying to figure out how to break up the “fashion” from last night’s VMAs, and I put fashion in quotes because no one really brought it, in my opinion. First off we have Miley Cyrus in a curious light blue Cavalli gown that mixed some kind of tiger/leopard/tree bark print at the bodice with a floral Asian motif along the skirt. At least it was demure, I’ll give her that, but it looked even worse from the back with that weird pattern continuing down in a thick stripe and clashing with the flowers. She paired it with some big dangling gemstone earrings and a diamond Lorraine Schwartz necklace, and it was over accessorized. She looked really happy and relaxed though. I find Miley very likable lately.

Demi Lovato’s little silver Mandalay dress was way too tight, low cut and flashy. She’s probably going for “grown up” but it just makes the mom in me kick in and want to tell her to go back up to her room, wipe some of that gunk off her face and cover up. She turned 19 a month ago, though, so I guess it’s her prerogative. At least it’s not another mullet dress.

Speaking of mullet dresses, little Selena Gomez committed that offense yet again. She looks like a newly introduced teen vampire on a CW show who’s about to get a three episode story arc before biting it in a disgusting blood-spewing death scene. She wore this gothic Julien Macdonald lace number. The high neckline with the lace, the sparkly vines and the feather-like parts is just bizarre. It also features cut-out lace sections around the bodice. Justin must have been staring at her cleavage all night in that ugly dress.

It looks passable from the side I guess.

And finally Justin Bieber tried to work a casual look in a black blazer, loose red pants, leopard-print sneakers and sexy librarian glasses. He won best male video for “You Smile.” In his acceptance speech he thanked God then Jesus “because, you know, I wouldn’t be here without him. He’s really blessed me, put me in this position.” Then he said he was sharing his award with all the other nominees. Here’s his acceptance speech, which was full of award show cliches but gratefully short. Justin brought a little pet snake with him for some reason, and he said the snake’s name was Johnson. So stupid.

photo credit: WENN and Fame

Beyonce’s last music video was a tweaked nightmare involving lots of lingerie, a really tacky wedding gown, and a bad lyrical storyline involving Beyonce whining about an ex-boyfriend on the day of her wedding. It was a hot mess. Anyway, Beyonce has a new non-single music video out for her song “1+1”. Her label says “1+1 is not an official single, but it’s the first song on the album and it’s the first of many videos which will be released to visually tell the story of 4.” Beyonce co-directed this with Laurent Briet and Ed Burke, and Beyonce has called this song her favorite on her album, 4. It was written by The Dream.

Random thoughts:

*Wow, Beyonce must be wearing the motherload of glittery Victoria’s Secret lotion on her face.

*I’m getting really tired of this ratty-looking blonde weave.

*Damn, her face is really messed up. Really, really messed up. She used to be so pretty.

*I feel like we’re just about to see Beynipple.

*Most of the production costs went for baby oil.

*Gross, the blonde weave being thrown around in slow motion. WTF, Bey?

*Leopard-print panties, bra and black garters? Why does every Beyonce video seem like a lingerie ad these days?

*The song is actually rather pretty.

*Green eyeliner?

*OK, this video is just ridiculous.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

It’s easy to grow tired of Lady Gaga’s constant shtick. She seems to have no “off” button and is constantly dressed in ludicrous outfits, spewing pseudo intellectual pretentious drivel about her “art” and touting how groundbreaking she is while she’s copying other artist’s acts. But after seeing her on Howard Stern, I have some new respect for this creature and the talent that exists under all that artifice. Gaga performed acoustic versions of her songs “Edge of Glory” and “Hair” and they were just incredible. Howard told her it was one of the best performances he’d ever had on his show.

Listen to this performance and tell me that this girl isn’t very talented. It’s hard not to get distracted by the faces she’s pulling though. (For comparison, here’s a link to the 80s style video for Edge of Glory.)

I doubt Rihanna or Katy Perry could sound that good singing acoustic.

In the interview portion with Howard, Gaga talked about how she did coke while she was waitressing in NY and called it “the devil.” The story sounded like most of the other crap she spews about her mythical hard knock life – exaggerated or a fabrication. “I did [cocaine] all alone in my apartment, while I wrote music. And I regret every line I ever did. So to any of the little sweethearts who are listening, don’t touch it. It’s the devil.” Is she talking about last week? She also joked that she didn’t have a boyfriend, since “it’s hard to find a boyfriend who doesn’t mind a good tuck.”

As for what she’s been spending her money on, if she indeed has any left after paying for her costumes, she said that her apartment costs $1,100 a month and that she paid for her dad to get heart surgery and a car.

Just for today, I’ll give Lady Gaga a pass for being insufferable since she seems to have some chops. That doesn’t explain her general existence though.

Here’s Lady Gaga doing “Hair”

Photos are from 7/18/11. Credit: WENN.com

Oh. My. God. Seriously, are there still people who actively believe that Beyonce hasn’t gotten tweaked?!? I wasn’t even five seconds into this absolutely AWFUL music video for “Best Thing I Never Had” (her new single) when I had to stop the video and just gawp at her odd face. She definitely did something to her nose, but I still thing there’s something weird with her eyes/eyebrow area too. BITCH GOT TWEAKED.

As for the video… WTF? Michael K is right – it’s part Victoria’s Secret ad, part David’s Bridal ad. I swear the song sounds like the David’s Bridal jingle too. Now, I’m not a prude (actually, I kind of am), and I can handle scantily-clad pop stars frolicking around in general, unless they’re underage raccoons….but is anyone else just uncomfortable watching Beyonce’s tweaked face stare down the camera as she wears this white Merry Widow and garters? Sometimes, Beyonce’s videos have a too-close “snuff film” feel, and this is one of them. I feel like we’re watching her honeymoon video, in which she was just recorded prancing around in lingerie, singing to herself.

And then the out-of-nowhere “video” from “1998”… with Beyonce tries a new wig, remarkably not blonde. This whole music video is utterly bizarre. I guess the video is about a blonde who hangs out in lingerie and wedding gowns all day, thinking about how her ex is a douche? The Jennifer Aniston Story, in other words.

That wedding gown is TERRIBLE too. Gold detailing on the bodice, and then those hip ruffles? Tacky. And to make it worse, her veil-tiara is much too big. Everything about this video is a disaster.

PS… who read CDAN’s revealed blind item about Jay-Z and his alleged 10-year affair with a French model? Interesting, isn’t it?

Screencaps from the video.

Yesterday it was announced that Amy Winehouse’s planned 12 city European tour, two dates of which had already been canceled, would be entirely scrapped. I read this news in The Sun along with the detail that she’ll be going away “for years” and waited to hear official confirmation. It’s true, we won’t be seeing Amy for a while. Amy did play one disastrous gig in Belgrade, in which she swayed and mumbled, scratching her arms and struggling to stand upright. The video was painful to watch. She’s clearly in the throes of addiction and needs treatment, or at least to be taken out of the spotlight for her own well being. It’s the right decision.

A musician from the band who opened up for Amy just told The Sun that Amy had to be pushed on stage to perform, and that she was protesting and “obviously needed help.” What’s more is that people around Amy tried to keep all booze and drugs away from her before the show, but she got ahold of some anyway. Sad.

ANA ZOE KIDA, whose band ZEMLJA GRUVA shared the bill, said: “Four British bodyguards simply pushed her to step up on stage.

“She did not want to and was making a scene trying to escape them.

“It was distressing to see, she obviously needed help.”

The Sun revealed management were baffled how Amy got sozzled so quickly as she arrived at Saturday’s Belgrade gig sober and booze was banned at her city hotel.

[From The Sun]

As a side note I googled “Amy Winehouse tour canceled” and found this story from 2007 when she canceled her UK dates back when her then-husband was in jail. Amy has been in a bad state for some time and she probably won’t reach a level where she can do an extensive tour again. Maybe she’ll be able to record more music at some point, though. It’s just a shame that she’s turned out like this, but maybe once she’s out of the spotlight she’ll be able to recover like she did before. I was surprised at how much better she got over the last couple of years when she went on an extended vacation to the Caribbean and had some down time.

Amy is shown out on 10/8/10. Credit: WENN.com

Amy tries to sing at 1:20

Amy Winehouse was too wasted to remember the words to her song during a performance in Belgrade over the weekend. In a video of the show, (above) Amy rubs her nose and arms, sways back and forth awkwardly and mumbles as she tries to fake her way through “Just Friends.” At times she seemed distracted by her arms, rubbing them and looking down with glazed eyes before she remembers that she’s supposed to be performing. This was supposed to be the first of 12 European shows for Amy, but because she was too out of it to even complete one gig her next two have been canceled. The last we heard from Amy she was in rehab, but she left after just a week there.

Amy Winehouse, attempting to perform while appearing to be under the influence, was booed off the stage in Belgrade on Saturday night after she arrived on stage an hour late, then stumbled around and slurred the words to her 2008 song “Just Friends.”

She greeted the crowd of 20,000 by shouting, “Hello, Athens,” reports the U.K.’s Telegraph newspaper.

Following the incident, Winehouse, 27, apologized to fans and canceled Monday’s scheduled performance in Istanbul and Wednesday’s in Athens, say reports.

Late last month, Winehouse checked into rehab for her ongoing problem with drugs and alcohol, the singer’s rep confirmed to PEOPLE. The treatment was seen as preparation for this tour.

In a statement following the Belgrade incident, Winehouse’s management said: “Despite feeling sure that she wanted to fulfill these commitments, she has agreed with management that she cannot perform to the best of her ability and will return home. … She would like to apologize to fans expecting to see her at the shows but feels that this is the right thing to do.”

Her next show is scheduled for Friday, July 8, in Spain.

[From People]

So Amy has a whole two and a half weeks to get it together. Considering that she hasn’t been able to do that in several years, that’s not likely to happen. The best we can hope for is to her to stay semi-sober enough to sing and remember the words. Maybe her record company should just send her back to St. Lucia and forget about trying to have her tour. She wasn’t quite sober in the Caribbean but she seemed to be keeping it together and it didn’t seem like she was going to go the way of so many other talented musicians. She turns 28 on September 14. I hope it’s not callous to say that I really hope she makes it.

This is Amy on 6/23/10. Credit: Barcroft/Fame Pictures

As you may remember, I actually liked Lady Gaga’s single “Edge of Glory”. It reminded me of the truly wonderful hit songs from the soundtracks to ‘80s classics. “Edge of Glory could very easily fit into the last few minutes of The Karate Kid. I could see it being embraced by John Hughes for a critical moment at a 16th birthday party. The song is dated – in a good way. Well, now Lady Gaga has made a video for “Edge of Glory” and it seems like she’s embracing the ‘80s completely. She made sure that the video looks like it came out of 1985 too.

You know what bothers me? Lady Gaga always talks about NYC, how she’s a New York girl and New York is what she’s all about and then… she films a video on an LA soundstage made to look like NYC. Just a small thing, I realize, but why not just shoot a video in New York?

But seriously, this video is both horrible and great. It’s horrible just in the sheer “I give up”-ness of Lady Gaga. It’s like Courtney Love foretold – Gaga is now a sad drag queen with no more ideas. It’s great because once you strip away all of the extra crap, Gaga still has a powerful voice, and she’s still capable of making hit music. STRIP AWAY THE DRAG QUEEN!!

Sidenote: does anyone else think that Gaga filmed this on the same “balcony” set as the end of Pretty Woman? Strikingly similar.

Screen caps & cover art.