Lindsay Lohan resolves to wear thong underwear to all funerals.

Britney Spears plans to make sure her children are properly secured in car seats before she drives under the influence.

Nicole Richie resolves to poop after she eats.

Paris Hilton resolves to quit being such a homebody and get out of the house more.

Angelina Jolie, in an effort to be taken seriously as an actress and humanitarian, plans to play the role of the princess in the new Mario Bros movie.

Madonna resolves to get more publicity for something she’ll figure out later.

Tom Cruise vows to quit exercising so hard and let himself go a little.

Matthew McConaughey vows to exercise shirtless outdoors at least once a week.

Christina Aguilera plans to be a bit more glamorous.

Victoria Beckham wants to lose those pesky last three pounds.

Jennifer Aniston plans to do a lot more cathartic yoga.

Nicole Kidman vows not to be the subject of any country songs.

Jessica Simpson vows to take some time off and relax.

Eva Longoria plans to speak her mind, or whatever comes to mind at the time.

Anna Nicole resolves to get blotto every day.

K-Fed resolves to get as much cash as possible in the divorce settlement and still come off as the good guy.

George Clooney vows to play the field in memory of his departed pig.

Thanks to my brother Mike for help with this list, some of which is humor, some obvious.

The National Enquirer quotes a supposed insider who claims that Lionel Richie wants his tiny daughter Nicole to spend some time in jail with the hope that she’ll be scared straight. Nicole, who claimed her weight was 88 pounds, admitted to police officers that she was under the influence of pot and Vicodin at the time of her arrest for driving the wrong way on the freeway. She later had a friend tell news outlets that she was taking the prescription painkiller for period cramps.

“Lionel’s stood behind Nicole through three arrests, drug rehab and her drastic weight loss,” a family friend told The ENQUIRER.

“But enough is enough!”

Lionel held an intervention with his pot-smoking daughter last October, begging her to get treatment, said the friend.

“But all she agreed to was some outpatient medical tests. Lionel was incredibly disappointed.

“When he heard of her latest arrest, he sighed to a friend: ‘Let her go to jail. It might do her some good. Maybe it will frighten some sense into her.’”

This article makes it seem like the “intervention” Lionel held for Nicole was for drugs, but he admitted taking Nicole to a doctor to be evaluated for a possible eating disorder. The doctor said that Nicole was suffering from stress, which was making her thin.

If Nicole is convicted of DUI, she will be sentenced to a mandatory five days in jail under California law. She pled guilty to a previous DUI offense in 2002, and if she’s convicted of another one she’ll have to go away for at least five days. Commentor Phin notes that a coworker of his got six months in jail for his second DUI after a lackluster performance in court in front of tough judge. Maybe Nicole should plead guilty and serve her five days. It worked for Martha.

Nicole Richie’s high-profile arrest for driving the wrong way on the freeway this week wasn’t the first time she was nabbed for driving under the influence. Richie pled guilty to DUI four years ago, and according to TMZ if she’s convicted of DUI again she’ll have to serve a mandatory five day jail sentence.

TMZ has found court documents which reveal that Richie pled no contest four years ago to driving under the influence. Under California law, if Richie is convicted of DUI as a result of Monday’s arrest, the judge must impose a jail sentence.

The law requires a mandatory sentence of five consecutive days in county jail as well as a one year license suspension for anyone twice-convicted of DUI. In addition, Richie would be ordered to attend an alcohol education program for a year-and-a-half, even if the second conviction is not alcohol-related.

As TMZ first reported, Richie admitted to CHP officers that she had taken Vicodin and smoked pot before driving the wrong way on a Burbank freeway. A field sobriety test revealed she was not under the influence of alcohol.

Although Richie was under the influence of non-alcoholic drugs, it might not matter in court. She was clearly impaired and should not have been driving. Maybe she can call up Michelle Rodriguez for some tips on how to get all her fellow inmates singing showtunes.

In Richie’s previous DUI offense in 2002 she blew a .12. and a .13, and the limit for impairment is .08. At that time she told officers that she had a shot of vodka. Her license was suspended for a year and she had three years probation. She got arrested again for driving with a suspended license and possession of heroin just six months after that.

During her latest DUI arrest, Richie said that she had only eaten french fries that day.

Nicole Richie was arrested for DUI after she was busted driving the wrong way on the freeway while talking on her cellphone this morning. Two other drivers called 911 when they spotted her vehicle driving into oncoming traffic. She passed the breathalyzer but told cops she was under the influence of Vicodin and pot.

TMZ has learned that Nicole Richie was arrested for DUI early Monday morning. She was booked at 4:50 AM today and was released around 7:15 this morning. The booking sheet reveals Richie is 5′1″ and 85 lbs.

We’re told two motorists spotted her SUV going the wrong way on the 134 Freeway in Burbank. The drivers called 911.

When the CHP responded, Richie was stopped in the carpool lane and was alone in the vehicle. When cops approached the vehicle, Richie was on her cellphone.

Law enforcement officers tell TMZ Nicole Richie admitted she had taken Vicodin and smoked pot.

A preliminary alcohol screening device revealed that Nicole was not under the influence of alcohol.

This is not the first brush Richie has had with substance abuse. In 2003, she pled guilty to heroin possession. The charges were dismissed after she completed the terms of her probation.

Aren’t you supposed to clam up and lawyer up when you’re arrested? She must have been really high if she admitted to it so easily like that. I would say that Richie might have a two week stint in rehab to make it look to the public like she’s contrite, but her career doesn’t really depend on it or anything and she seems pretty stubborn about doing her own thing.

Nicole Richie is rumored to be dating Hillary Duff’s last ex, Good Charlotte singer Joel Madden. She and Madden were seen trying to cover their faces while leaving a club on Friday night. Hollyscoop reports that Richie was likely driving home from Madden’s house at the time of her arrest.

The header image is of Richie on 11/17 and is from lime-light.

Rachel Zoe issued a response to the news that Nicole Richie fired her as her stylist, basically saying that they’re no longer friends. She kind of couched it in a lot of flowery PR-speak, so it’s hard to tell, but there are some mild disses in there:

Rachel issued the following statement to TMZ: “There has been a lot of speculation as to the cause of my parting with client Nicole Richie. The tabloid reports have no merit. After trying to be a good friend to Nicole, we made a mutual decision to sever our working relationship. Changes are inevitable in any business relationship. I am very fortunate to have such a wonderful life, I have been married for 10 years and have been a stylist for more than 15 years and am lucky to work with such a diverse group of women of all shapes and sizes that inspire me everyday. I have nothing but love for Nicole and wish her only health and happiness.”

Nicole wasn’t having that, and she posted the following “blind item” on her myspace, basically saying that Zoe has an eating disorder and has tried to make it seem as if Nicole is the one with the problem, not her:

BLIND ITEM:
What 35 year old raisin face whispers her order of 3 peices of asparagus for dinner at Chateau everynight, and hides her deathly disorder by pointing the finger at me, and used her last paycheck I wrote her to pay for a publisist instead of a nutritionist?
HINT: Her nickname is lettucecup…

[via ONTD]

I really like the way she wrote that “whispers her order” and “deathly disorder.” She spelled publicist wrong, though. She would make a decent blogger.

Rumor had it that Zoe was dealing drugs to her “girls” and that she encourages them to be stick-thin so that they’ll fit into the tiny samples she gets from designers.

Whatever transpired, Nicole wants everyone to know that she’s over it and that Zoe is the one with an eating disorder, not her. Get to a size six, Nicole, and maybe we’ll believe you.

Nicole is looking good, but maybe she does need some fashion advice, because this Beetlejuice outfit is just not doing it. At least she’s keeping it under wraps though, which is more than I can say for Paris’ other “friends.”

Pictures from HauteGossip.

It’s hard to say whether it’s Nicole’s mysterious “team of doctors” or her new hair color and more covered-up fall style that’s doing it, but she’s looking good!

Her darker hair hue has transformed her complexion from a sometimes-sallow olive to warm and tanned, while her billowy top fills her out a little bit. I’m a big fan of the boots, too - practical but chic, and a pleasant departure from those flat Roman-style sandals she was so attached to during the summer months.

Maybe Nicole decided a makeover was in order as she makes her triumphant return to the L.A. club circuit alongside Paris?

Nicole Richie is said to have collapsed at exclusive nightclub Hyde early on Sunday morning. They must have let her in because she doesn’t take up much space.

Her friends told staff not to call an ambulance and carted her off themselves. You know if they took her to the hospital we would have heard about it:

Sources tell TMZ that Nicole Richie passed out at Hyde nightclub early Sunday morning in Hollywood.

We’re told it occurred just before 2 a.m., when Richie passed out and fell to the floor. An employee approached Richie and her friends and said he was calling 911. Sources say they told the employee not to make the call and that they would take Richie to a hospital. The friends then carried Richie out of the club through the back door. TMZ does not know if Richie went to the hospital.

Before Richie collapsed, we’re told she hung out for awhile with Lindsay Lohan inside the club.

If Richie is indeed getting treatment for not gaining weight as she claims then it must be outpatient just like Mel Gibson’s rehab. Her health is not going to improve until she gets therapy and changes her lifestyle for good.

I made some T-Shirts this weekend, and wanted to have one that said “I borrowed this shirt from Nicole Richie,” suitable for baby wear, dog shirts, and XXL sweatshirts. I did a trademark search and Richie never trademarked her name, just the dumb phrase “Loves It.” Cafe Press, the service that distributes and sells the shirts for me, said it violated her right to publicity or something and that I couldn’t use that phrase. My “I am the father of Anna Nicole’s baby” shirt was also denied.

There’s this huge security flaw in myspace that lets you read comments on private profiles, and I’ve pretty much read all the crap that Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Hillary Duff, and Nicole Richie are saying to each other. Paris got told by her PR guy Elliott to cut it out and she was supposedly grounded from using the computer, but of course she didn’t comply and continued commenting.

This was up on Oh No They Didn’t and got a brief mention in The NY Daily News, but the ONTD post is private now and I learned about it through a friend’s e-mail.

The thing is, there’s a formula to it and it really doesn’t matter if someone changes their profile name or password. Once you know their numeric user ID it’s incredibly simple to do, and as long as they keep commenting it’s easy to find out their numeric user ID.

They seem to realize that people are reading their comments and are talking about all the new people asking to be added as friends, but they don’t really get the fact that changing their passwords and screen names doesn’t fix the problem.

I was really reluctant to report on this at first as 1) there’s way too much information to sift through and report 2) it feels wrong and 3) I don’t want to get sued. Plus I got sucked into the voyeuristic aspect of it and I wanted to be able to keep spying.

Best Week Ever has the links, though. I know this is Monday’s news but somehow it fell under my radar.

The juiciest news: Lindsay, Hilary, and Paris talk about doing banana and strawberry “Nesquick” and returning “needles” to each other. They could just be joking around. They’re also all friends with Jesse McCartney, and he could be screwing Lindsay, because he says:

But it’s just as likely that they’re joking around, and of course there’s no way to verify that it’s really Lindsay, Paris et. al, but I believe.

Paris also tells Lindsay:

And it looks like Paris is BFF with Lindsay again because she’s using an icon of the two of them together.

Here’s my favorite comment, from Haylie Duff to Jesse McCartney:

If you have any kind of logic skills you’ll quickly be able to figure out how to view anyone’s private comments using the links from the Best Week Ever post above.

Myspace will undoubtedly fix this soon, and it’s a huge security flaw. According to myspace’s user agreement everything on the site legally belongs to them, so I don’t know if any celebrity lawyers can sue for reposting information found on myspace, but if it gets widely distributed like Paris’ hacked Blackberry they’re sure to try.

While the rest of the world is getting heavier, Hollywood’s elite are downing horse steroids and Adderall in an endless race to be ever-thinner. It’s not surprising, then, that designers are now offering “sub-zero” sizing for the waif that needs to take in her size zero jeans.

While this may seem disturbing, designers claim that sizes are arbitrary anyway, and that almost no one is following guidelines for the waist and hip measurements for sizing. Indeed, a size 6 of today was once a 14 of yesterday. The average US woman is 5 feet 4 and weighs 155 pounds, which is 20 pounds heavier than 40 years ago.

[Thanks to Fark for linking this]

There is the worry that a double-0 or sub-zero size will become the new benchmark for anorexic pride. Nicole Miller is justifying the new sizing, saying that there’s a call for it in Asia, where women are generally smaller.

A zero of today may be a four of yesterday. Author Pam Danziger claims that she uses old Vogue sewing patterns in a size 14 when she regularly buys a size 6 at the store. That doesn’t make me feel depressed or anything.

Here’s Nicole Richie with what looks like her butt hanging out, but it’s hard to tell. [via]

Her matchstick body must not be able to withstand more than a few minutes pounding, because this is the third story I’ve heard that Nicole Richie is a fan of the quickie:

Back in the spring, Nicole was forced to deny that she had a bathroom quickie with Jason Mewes of “Jay and Silent Bob” fame after his pal, director Kevin Smith, let the news slip during a speech at a school. He said that Nicole “made a man” of Mewes in less than a minute in a bathroom stall.

Homophobe Busta Rhymes also claims to have given it to Nicole “real quick.”

This news of Nicole and Brody’s bathroom tryst contrasts both of their public statements about their failed relationship. Nicole said on her myspace that they “were never really together,” while Brody recently told Star Magazine that he really “just wanted to be friends:”

Brody is now with “The Hills” star Lauren Conrad while Nicole is dating a French fashion editor, Samuel Plouchart.

The header is an old candid of Nicole and Brody out in Malibu on 9/3. Here are Nicole and her stylist, the incompetent Rachel Zoe, out at a party for fashion designer Charlotte Ronson. Thanks to Just Jared for these pictures