
This is just our Open Post for all things Oscar this year – I’ll be updating this throughout the red carpet (I‘ll be watching the E! Red Carpet, by the way), and once the ceremony starts and the big awards begin to be handed out, CB and I will be doing individual posts on the winners. I have my fingers crossed for The King’s Speech, but other than that, I have to say… this might be one of the most subdued awards seasons ever, so I have very low expectations for this Oscar telecast. The most interesting people tonight will probably be the presenters. I do hope there’s at least one major upset… perhaps in Best Supporting Actress?
Anyway, if you’re drinking tonight, first of all, DON’T DRIVE. Hopefully your drunk ass is sitting at home with your box of wine and a bag of Doritos, in which case, might I suggest you take a big gulp of your jug o’ wine every time:
1. Ryan Seacrest comes on to a male celebrity on the red carpet.
2. You can see a woman’s Spanx line.
3. A woman winces when she tries to smile through the Botox.
4. La Seacrest makes celebrities talk about him.
5. James Franco laughs at one of his own jokes.
6. James Franco or Anne Hathaway makes a reefer joke.
7. Every gratituitous cut-away to Natalie Portma’s bitchface.
You should be wasted by 8:30! Enjoy yourselves, bitches! I’ll start updating once the red carpet gets swinging.
6:02 – Okay, the Red Carpet has begun! Jennifer Lawrence is absolutely beautiful, and I love that she wore her hair down. The Calvin Klein dress is simple and pretty. I like it. It’s age-appropriate too.
6:04 – I like Guiliana’s Christian Sirano too!
6:07 – OH NOES. What is Melissa Leo wearing, a doily?!? Also: was that little Hailee Steinfeld in the prom gown?
6:11 – Hot damn! Mila Kunis looks AMAZING. Did you see that strut? Melissa Leo is wearing Marc Bower, btw. A Marc Bower original mirrored doily dress. Tacky, tacky, tacky. I don’t even like ML’s hair.
6:16 – Armie Hammer is so… unaffected. He’s just big and goofy and kinda dumb.
6:22 – Hailee looks like a 15-year-old girl who wanted to look like a princess. She’s adorable. Who caught the hint of Michelle Williams in a F&%$# neutral.
6:24 – Oh, okay – Michelle Williams looks cute, and I love that her “date” is Busy Phillips, her BFF. Thoughts on Amy Adams’ navy/purple dress? Love that Dame Seacrest mispronounced “antithetical”.
6:27 – Florence Welsh was cute but boring. Mila… same. I dislike Mila’s hair. Mandy Moore, just STOP.
6:32 – Russell Brand is presenting with his true love Dame Helen Mirren!!! OK, I LOVE Michelle’s dress.
6:34 – Um, what’s going on with Michelle Williams’ lips? Is that The Herpe?!? The Chanel is gorge though.
6:41 – I liked Anne Hathaway’s red dress. She was really working it too. OOOooh, Mark Ruffalo! And I HATE Amy Adams’ L”Wren Scott dress and styling. I’ve made up my mind. Her bad hair made the decision for me.
6:49 – Why are Guiliana & Kelly jizzing over Mandy Moore’s dumb Monique Lul-whatever dress? It sucked.
6:50 – I love Mark Ruffalo. I love that he loves his wife.
6:51 – J.Hud in orange-red. Don’t care for what the dress does to her boobs. At all.
6: 52 – Geoffrey Rush!!! BLANCHETT!!!!!!!!! La Blanchett is on the carpet. CODE RED!!!
6:58 – Re: Blanchett – Um, okay, the dress is “complicated”. It is “high fashion”. It isn’t “pretty”. But she’s Cate Friggin’ Blanchett, so HATERS CAN STUFF IT. ScarJo’s Dolce & Gabbana is HIDEOUS. Last thing – Kevin Spacey hitting on Jeremy Renner?!?
7:01 – DRINK, bitches. Dame Seacrest just hit on Kevin Spacey. And Justin Timberlake brought his mother, not Jessica Biel. Sucks to be Jessica Biel tonight!
7:03 – God, I hate ScarJo’s dress. It looks so cheap and Vegas.
7:08 – Sharon Stone = Cruela de Vil. CRAZY BITCH.
7:09 – Timberlake, ENOUGH.
7:11 – Something nice about Marisa Tomei: I like that she looks natural, and un-Botoxed. Something mean about Marisa: Her dress is TERRIBLE. And the hair is BAD.
7:17 – HELENA!!! She looks kind of pretty, right? Also, I like Hilary Swank’s dress (Versace?). I want to marry HBC, though.
7:22 – What is Nicole Kidman wearing? It looks weird too.
7:24 – ZOMG, Celine Dion looks awesome!! Oooo – Halle. Halle in a neutral. Blech.
7:25 – Penelope Cruz & Javi on the red carpet together!! YAY! Hugh Jackman is so cute. I wish Christian Bale has shaved that junk. COLIN FIRTH IS THE MAN. I feel like we’ve seen this dress on Halle before, right?
7:27 – ZOMG Homoerotic moment: Javi and Josh Brolin kissing. Priceless. Reese Witherspoon looks so CUTE!!
7:32 – Space-age Goop! I like Gwyneth’s Calvin Klein, honestly, but I HATE her hair. She needs a new colorist. LOVE Penelope’s dress. And bitches, you’ve got to drink after Seacrest tried to get into Matthew McCon.’s pants. Love Camila Alves’ dress. She looked so beautiful. HATE HATE HATE Nicole Kidman’s dress. It’s HIDEOUS.
7:38 – Sandra Bullock in red Vera Wang. Cute. The makeup was a little weird, but I thought she got it mostly right. I really do like Gwyneth’s dress. What does that mean?!?
7:42 – RDJ is here. All of you other bitches can go home.
7:52 – Rhea Wahlberg is so pretty, but that dress is completely hideous.
7:58 – The Bitchface is here!! Natalie Portman in purple. Thoughts?
Okay, I’m signing off on the live-blog! Enjoy the show, bitches!


Photos courtesy of WENN.