This year’s Miss USA pageant is shaping up to be even more annoying than usual, if that’s possible. In addition to the standard fare of helmet hair, vaseline smiles, swimsuits and stupid questions that somehow always lead to the answer “World Peace,” the Donald Trump-produced cheesefest will also feature Donny and Marie Osmond as hosts.

Donnie [sic] and Marie Osmond will host the upcoming Miss USA pageant. The Miss Universe Organization says the brother-and-sister, song-and-dance stars will perform on the NBC Universal show April 11 from the Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino on the Las Vegas Strip. The network owns the pageant with real estate mogul Donald Trump.

Pageant executives say the telecast will represent the first time Donny and Marie Osmond have hosted a prime-time show together since 2000.

[From Associated Press]

As if a Donny and Marie reunion wasn’t reason enough to send you screaming from your television set, guess who’s signed on as a judge for the pageant? None other than that one-legged lawyer-soaker, Heather Mills.

“Extra” has exclusively learned that Heather Mills has been booked as a judge for The Miss USA Pageant, scheduled to take place on April 11 in Las Vegas.

Mills was a contestant on last season’s “Dancing with the Stars.” She was just been awarded almost $50 million in her divorce settlement with Sir Paul McCartney.

[From ExtraTV]

I really don’t see how this show could get any worse, unless Donald Trump decided to compete in the swimsuit portion of the evening. I guess you could turn it into a drinking game- every time Heather Mills says something crazy, you do a shot. And every time Marie Osmond plugs her creepy dolls, you chug a beer. You’ll be wasted by the time the talent competition starts- which, if you think about it, is the only way to watch this crap.

Donny and Marie Osmond are shown performing at the Osmond Family reunion on 8/14/07, thanks to PRPhotos.

The priceless video of Miss Teen South Carolina, Lauren Caitlin Upton, bumbling incoherently during the question and answer portion of the Miss Teen USA competition has been making the rounds over the internet and television since Friday. It’s really a monument to stupidity, but it does one thing very well: makes the rest of us feel a heck of a lot smarter. Now you really do need to see her answer this question to get the full impact, but here’s the transcript of what she said:

Question: “Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?”

Answer: “I personally believe… that… U.S. Americans are unable to do so… because… uh…some … people out there in our nation don’t have maps and…. uh, I believe that our, ah, education like such as… in South Africa, and, uh, the Iraq, like everywhere like…such as… and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries… so we will be able to build up our future…for our children.”

[From the National Post]

I love how she just says “such as” here and there for no reason. She’s not even speaking in sentences or phrases, she’s just grabbing at words randomly. At the end of her answer, host Mario Lopez thanks her, and there’s this look of complete pity that is so humiliating. I’m sure he didn’t intend it that way, but when Mario Lopez pities you because you’re just too damn dumb, that’s soul-crushing. Well Lauren Caitlin Upton (who somehow managed to place third runner up) isn’t letting this debacle get her down. She was on the “Today” show this morning, trying her hand at a little damage control.

“I would love to re-answer that question,” Upton said. “Well personally, my friends and I, we know exactly where the United States is on our map. I don’t know anyone else who doesn’t. And if the statistics are correct, I believe there should be more emphasis on geography.

“A YouTube video of Upton has drawn a couple million hits and thousands of comments, many of them with harsh remarks for the Lexington High School graduate who plans to attend Appalachian State University in Boone, N.C.

“Upton was taking her flubbed answer - and the attention - in stride.

“‘Everything did come at me at once. I was overwhelmed and I made a mistake. Everybody makes a mistake. I’m human,’ she said Tuesday. ‘I seriously think I only heard about one or two words of the actual question.’

“Upton’s former principal Creig Tyler remembered her as a well-rounded student.

“‘She took college-prep and honors courses and performed well,’ Tyler told The (Columbia) State newspaper. Miss Teen Colorado Hilary Carol Cruz won the crown. Upton was third runner-up.”

[From the Associated Press]

I will give her a little leeway – in that it was a really surprising question. I thought they generally give you obvious questions where you’re supposed to answer something about world peace or saving the future with children and a bunch of other meaningless drivel. But they whipped out a question that - while not confusing - was surprising. I’ve never heard that 1/5 of Americans can’t locate America on a world map. That’s utterly ridiculous, and I think I’d probably struggle to answer why that is, only because it’s so surprising. Maybe it’s the 1/5 that are illiterate? The 1/5 that suffer from severe glaucoma? I’m not saying I know the answer, but I probably would have mumbled something about “I don’t know, 1/5 of people are idiots” which still would have been a heck of a lot better than what Miss South Carolina said. If her answer helped her place third, I’m sure I could have come in second with mine.

Here’s the video. Enjoy.

Picture note by JayBird: Header image of Miss South Carolina Lauren Caitlin Upton at the Welcome reception for Miss Teen USA 2007on August 14th. Images thanks to WENN.