Once every 123,383,384 days Paris Hilton thinks about someone besides herself. Okay I know the math doesn’t really work out there, but you get my point. It’s a damn rare occasion. Paris recently donated some cash to Childrens Hospital Los Angeles – I know! Shocking, right? The once-in-a-lifetime occasion of Paris being kind and thinking about other people has finally come! Well, no. Because the first thing she did after that was issue a glowing press release.

“I am so happy and fortunate to announce my support for Childrens Hospital Los Angeles,” Hilton said in a statement. “The children I have met through my [involvement] at Childrens Hospital have truly touched my heart.”

The 27-year-old celebutante started volunteering at the hospital following her release from jail after serving 23 days for DUI. Proceeds from the August launch of her eponymous clothing line at the West Hollywood boutique Kitson also went to the kids, some of whom were at the party to fete the arrival of Hilton’s collection of relatively affordable casual wear.

“The fabulous new hospital facilities at Childrens Hospital Los Angeles will provide a caring, healing environment for children and their families for many years to come,” she continued, “and I am proud to make a donation and lend my name to the fundraising effort to help children who are facing terribly serious illnesses.”

[From E! News]

Yeah, so her involvement was court ordered. Obviously it wasn’t court ordered that Paris donate money, but I’m guessing she probably hasn’t done a whole lot with the hospital from the time her forced volunteer work ended and the time she gave them some cash.

E! gloriously notes that philanthropy runs in Paris’ genes. Her grandfather Barron Hilton was named as the No. 1 giver of 2007 by the Chronicle of Philanthropy. His father, Hilton founder Conrad, left the bulk of his estate to the Conrad N. Hilton Foundation (which was later contested). Barron has publicly stated that 97 percent of his multibillion dollars will go to the foundation – with the remaining three percent being divvied up by his eight children and many, many grandchildren, of which Paris is one.

Something tells me Paris’ good deed has less to do with her the more dignified members of her family and their long history of philanthropy, and more to do with the person she cares most about: Paris Hilton.

Here’s Paris running errands in Sunset Plaza in Los Angeles yesterday. Don’t you sashay around like this on your way to pick up some clothes? Images thanks to WENN.

When I saw these photos of Paris Hilton out last night, I initially kind of panicked and thought she might actually be knocked up. That would have meant months of tabloid coverage, interviews about how she felt as the world’s first pregnant woman, because you know she would have acted like she was, and a resulting seven figure magazine deal featuring the newborn as soon as it was able to sit for a photo session in baby couture. Then I looked over photos of her taken this past month, and although she does wear some loose clothing because that’s the style she favors she was also seen with a completely flat stomach less than a month ago.

Paris denied she was pregnant today through her rep. But I barely heard anyone guess that she was except for our friends at D-Listed, so it seems likely that she wore that dress just so people would talk about her.

Whenever she does have a baby, which seems inevitable given how she collects pets, let’s hope she has the foresight to hire good help who will take the responsibility for the infant that she will probably treat like an accessory. Paris just doesn’t have the patience or the mental capacity to care for a child for an extended period of time.

Thanks to WENN for these photos.

From my vast knowledge of Paris Hilton’s psyche gleaned from reading her Hello Kitty journals and love letters found in her storage unit, I would say she has the emotional maturity of a high school freshman. She may have matured slightly since then, but if you listen to the simplistic hackneyed way she describes her latest relationship, it’s doubtful.

In a love book Paris filled out for Tommy Hillfiger model Jason Shaw, whom she dated from mid 2002 to 2003, and was engaged to briefly, she signed off “I love you forever & every & ever. Love always, your future wife and partner for life. Paris.”

Paris was 21 at the time, so while she was young it’s not like she was a teenager. A lot of young people say “forever” in relationships when they’re both gung ho, but it seems especially stupid to talk to the press about your marriage plans when you’re famous and have been dating for a short time. It’s not as stupid as actually getting married after a few weeks, though, so at least Paris is still slightly ahead of Mariah.

Paris, now 27, says that her boyfriend of not even three months, Benji Madden, wants to get married and that they talk about it. She even has her wedding dress planned:

“He wants to [get hitched],” she told PEOPLE Thursday night at London’s Nobu, where she showed up for a late-night snack with Madden and her parents. “We talk about it.”

In fact, she’s already pondering her gown: “I’d wear a beautiful white dress,” she said dreamily, “probably Dolce & Gabbana.”

The heiress, who is in town promoting her new fragrance, Can Can, couldn’t stop gushing about her new beau.

“We are the perfect match,” said the 27-year-old (who begins filming her MTV reality show, I Wanna Be Paris’s New Best Friend! on Monday). “We don’t like being apart, we like to stay with each other as much as we can.”

[From People.com]

Nicole Richie and her baby’s father Joel Madden have been together over a year and a half and have a baby together. They’re engaged but aren’t in any hurry to get married. Paris and Joel’s twin Benji seem like they’re in a rush to the altar though. At least they’re not trying to keep up with Nicole and Joel in the baby department - as far as we know.

While Victoria Beckham was promoting her overpriced jeans at Harrods in London yesterday Paris Hilton had staged a photo op at the same time for her fragrance, Can Can. Victoria won the battle of the spokeswhores and most of the photographers flocked to her instead of Paris.

Paris and Benji are shown in London earlier today and yesterday thanks to WENN.

Paris Hilton was on The Late Show last night for the first time since David Letterman gave her a hard time about her jail experience. Letterman really grilled her about her 45 day jail stint during her last appearance in October, 2007 and she dealt with it pretty well but you could tell that the extensive questioning bothered her. She got a little misty-eyed and she told him to move on in the conversation several times. This time Dave wasn’t any easier on Paris and openly mocked her, her upcoming reality show and the latest products she’s hocking. She remained part oblivious and part Paris the saleswoman and laughed and smiled through it all.

On her reality show
Paris said she will be staying in the house with the contestants on her “Paris Hilton’s my new best friend” MTV reality show, and Dave said “you’re going to be staying in the house with these common people for six week?” and she answered “I’m excited.”

Dave asked “You don’t actually believe that the person who wins will be your best friend, do you?” and she said that Nicole Richie has been her best friend since they were two, so she’s her number one best friend, but that she’s looking forward to meeting new people.

Dave joked “I envision…. the show has wrapped, you have a 20 minute party, you hop in the limo and bang you’re gone.”

“No, I will be friends with them.”

On wanting to be Nicole Richie’s sister in law
Dave asked Paris if she would like a baby like Nicole Richie and she said “definitely” that she wanted a family.

Dave said he heard that the father of Nicole’s baby is the brother of Paris’ boyfriend and she said “they’re twins… we’re like sisters and they’re twins so it works out well.”

Dave asked “Can you imagine if everyone got married and had kids and this were a family and stuff, you two would be sister in laws. Do you talk about that?”

“Yeah we do talk about it.” Then Paris launched into her Benji mantra: “I’m so happy, I’m so in love, and I know I want to spend the rest of my life…” [Dave interrupts]

On how she met Benji
“We’ve actually been friends for over six years now and then when [Nicole] had Harlow I started going over to the house and… we just got a little crush on each other and totally fell in love.”

Dave showed a picture of Benji singing with his mouth open and he was wearing a vest but Dave joked that he liked his jacket, which was a reference to his sleeve-like tattoos.

He said “I don’t know.. I’m happy for you, but I don’t know. Does this thing have legs?”

Paris said, “we’re so happy. I know I want to be with him forever.”

They showed Benji backstage in the green room wearing a black fedora and sunglasses. He waved at the camera.

On her champagne in a can
Dave made fun of Paris’ Proseco in a can, which isn’t available in the US yet, but is all over Germany, and when Paris said it was “sexy” he said “sexy, champagne in a can… a quart of bud in a paper bag is sexy too.” Dave shook it up and tried to get it to explode but it only fizzed. He tried again and it spurted a little but didn’t really pop like he wanted it to. The champagne was as impervious as Paris.

On her hair extension line
After the break she showed her Clipin’ Go, which is at Sally’s beauty. He asked if it was real hair, and she said that was microfiber, but they also do the real extensions. He asked “is it expensive?” and she said “No, it’s only $79″ and Dave sputtered and faked like that was a fortune. He said “how many cans of champagne do you have to drink before you buy this?”

Then a big burly guy came out from the back wearing the black version and to Paris’ credit it looked like a real mullet.

On her dog clothing line
Letterman showed some of Paris’ dog clothes. She said “I do a line with Little Lilly,” and Dave quipped “Ladies and gentlemen, and you wonder why the rest of the world hates us. There’s your answer right there.” The dog outfit Dave showed was actually the same one that Christina Ricci’s dog was wearing in a photo shown on the Jimmy Kimmel show on Wednesday. It had a faux shirt collar with lipstick on it.

Dave asked “how much is this?” She answered “like $40.”

Paris said she’ll be going on tour with her boyfriend this summer, and Dave asked “forever? You think this is forever?” in a reference to what she said about Benji earlier. She said “He is the most loyal, honest incredible person in the world and I feel just blessed to have found him. He’s changed my life.”

Say what you will about Paris but she really is good at slapping her name on cheap crap and selling it, and she sure can take a beating.

Here are the videos:

Paris Hilton on the Late Show, 5/8/08, Part 1

Paris Hilton on the Late Show, 5/8/08, Part 2

Paris Hilton is shown outside The Late Show yesterday, thanks to WENN. It looks like she swiped Mariah Carey’s wedding ring.

Earlier this week Paris Hilton gushed that her boyfriend of not even three month, Benji Madden, had written a song for her called “Shine Your Light.” We had to take her word for it, though, because it’s not like Benji has said much about her despite the fact that he took her on tour with him and she’s been seen following him around like a puppy dog all over LA. Paris has talked about how much in love she is and how great Benji is, and now he’s finally revealed that it’s mutual.

In an interview on Yo on E! on Sirius Radio, Benji said that he always knew Paris was “wife material” before they hooked up. He also said that they “were in love before anyone even knew we were together,” which suggests he might have been cheating on his longterm girlfriend, model Sophie Monk, with Paris. Sophie and Benji officially announced their split in mid February, and Paris and Benji went public less than two weeks later. As for marrying fickle Paris, Benji says “nothing would make me happier”

“We were in love before anyone even knew we were together,” the Good Charlotte band member reveals to Yo on E! on Sirius Radio. “We have known each other for a long time, and I’ve always known the real Paris. I always knew that she was like…wife material or serious girlfriend material. You’re getting a lot of personal sh**t out of me, man!”

Benji continues, “You just want to get on top of a mountain and go, I’m in love! But your fans would probably make fun of you.”

So could there be wedding bells in the near future? “Nothing would make me happier,” Madden says. “Wow, alright. Ok. I’m not gonna bet against you on that. We’ll see. I’m very, very happy right now.”

[From OK! Magazine]

Let’s give Paris and Benji the benefit of the doubt and say that they were together for maybe two months before they decided to hit all the LA hotspots together, but it’s doubtful and if that’s the case Benji would have been cheating. Even if they’ve been dating for five months that’s not enough time to start talking marriage. Once the new relationship endorphin high goes down they’ll start bugging the shit out of each other and will split shortly afterwards. I guess if they’re happy that’s all that matters. If Benji is talking like this he’s probably going to propose soon. He also spoke at length in that interview about how he loves babysitting his niece Harlow, so maybe he’s looking to start a family like his twin brother. You have to think that he could have been a much better candidate than Paris.

Paris Hilton and Benji Madden are shown below outside the DCMA boutique on 4/29/08, thanks to WENN. Paris is shown in the header in her guest appearance on “My Name is Earl” in late March.

While Paris Hilton and her mother seem to be gushing over her new found ‘best friend’ Benji Madden, he’s been fairly quiet about the whole affair. Until now. It seems that this whole relationship isn’t just in Paris’ head, but that Benji is equally smitten with her. Or so she says.

The couple, who have been dating for little more than 2 months, has recorded the song ‘Shine Your Light’, which Paris claims was written about her.

In an interview with US site People.com, Paris said: “He actually wrote me a beautiful song, and actually recorded it in the studio. He surprised me with it… it’s this really beautiful love song about me. It was the sweetest thing that anyone has ever done for me!”

Take40

You know, there’s nothing my husband hates more than when I blab about him to my friends, even if it’s highly complimentary. (As it always is, darling) Paris has previously talked about how much she is in love with her ‘best friend’, spilled to People the details of their two month anniversary celebration, told him she loved him on her myspace page, and her mother and father have also talked about how they love Benji, and how much Benji and Paris love each other.

There’s also speculation about the possibility of Paris and Benji getting married, after Joel jokingly referred to Paris as his sister-in-law, accompanied by equal amounts of speculation as to when they’ll get divorced.

How long before Benji gets tired of all this? After all, I suspect that dating Paris Hilton does nothing for his rock star credibility. He had it right in his last relationship with Sophie Monk. Rock stars should date supermodels.

Paris Hilton and Benji Madden are shown outside the DCMA boutique on Melrose Avenue yesterday, thanks to WENN.

Paris Hilton has pissed off a lot of people with her habitual purchasing and (subsequent disregarding) of animals as though they’re pieces of jewelry. She has a kinkajou, 2 ferrets, a goat, something she calls a “big ass cat,” a chinchilla, and more dogs and cats than even she can keep count of. But apparently that’s not enough for the famous heirhead, because now she wants to buy a cheetah. Yes you heard me right, and no, that’s not some vaguely –veiled Britney Spears/Chester Cheeto joke. Paris supposedly did show some serious cheetah interest recently.

Paris Hilton kept the locals amused during her recent visit to South Africa, where she accompanied her Good Charlotte boyfriend, Benji Madden. The couple stayed at the ultra-luxe Mount Nelson Hotel in Cape Town, along with the Kaiser Chiefs and Korn, who were also in town for the My Coke Fest music event. (Apparently, calling a rock festival My Coke Fest isn’t ironic in South Africa.)

A hotel spy tells us: “Every time Paris saw something she liked, like a woman’s dress, she would ask how much it was. That included a cheetah she saw at an animal park. She asked how much it was and said, ‘If I bought a cheetah, would it run away from me or could I keep it?’” Perhaps Paris could take one home and feed it with her leftover Chihuahuas.

[From the New York Daily News]

If this were any other celebrity – even Britney Spears – I’d say this was bull, or she at least didn’t mean it. But this is Paris Hilton, and she buys all sorts of exotic animals on a whim. Buying a cheetah wouldn’t be all that out of character for her. Getting it back to her home might be a problem. Oh and actually taking care of it decently – that would be out of character for Paris Hilton. But being dumb and self-centered enough to buy herself a cheetah (probably to match the prints on her bags) doesn’t seem all that impossible for Paris.

Note by Celebitchy: I thought Paris’ kinkajou was taken away by animal authorities for being an illegal pet in California, but it might not have been. I could only find that story in one source and it’s undated. Paris was bitten by the kinkajou in August, 2006, and I couldn’t determine if she still has it locked up in a cage somewhere.

If a little monkey-like creature bit her and required a trip to the hospital I can only imagine what harm a cheetah is capable of inflicting on the clueless woman.

Paris Hilton is on tour with her boyfriend Benji Madden’s band Good Charlotte, but the fiance of his twin brother and band mate is stuck home with their newborn baby. That may be her choice, but Star Magazine says it’s not and that Nicole Richie is super pissed that frenemy Paris gets to tag along while she’s left holding the baby:

Sources confirm to Star that Nicole was devastated when Joel informed her she would not be coming on the tour. She previously hit the road with the band, even while heavily pregnant, so she assumed this time was no different. She had even begun interviewing nannies to help her with daughter Harlow.

“Nicole begged Joel to let her tag along, but he refused to put the baby through that much traveling,” says a friend of hers. “He thinks a rock tour is no place for a newborn and has put his foot down.”

One insider says Nicole tried to make her case for coming by insisting she was nervous about being away from Joel, 29, for so long and that she was worried about caring for Harlow without his help.

But another source says Nicole, 26, is really just upset that Paris Hilton - who has been dating Joel’s twin brother, Benji, since February - is crashing the tour. And Nicole knows that wherever Paris, 27, goes, there’s usually trouble. “Nicole is livid!” says another source. “The thought of Paris on the road influencing Joel makes her skin crawl. Nicole doesn’t trust Paris as far as she can throw her.

[From Star Magazine, print edition, April 7, 2008]

You can see this being the case even if Star Magazine’s sources all happen to be staffers. It’s got to be hard to be apart from your partner right after you have a baby, and going on tour with a nanny seems preferable to staying home. It’s possible that Benji and Joel didn’t really talk about the fact that Paris was tagging along and that Joel decided that Nicole should stay home before he realized that Paris would be stealing his band’s thunder.

When my husband and I were watching “Wetten, Das?” with Paris on Saturday, he asked “isn’t it bad publicity for Good Charlotte to be associated with Paris Hilton? Like doesn’t that demean their integrity as a band?” It kind of does. They may not be sleeping with tons of groupies but we know at least one of them thinks with his dick.

Paris Hilton is shown clutching her chin after she took a fall earlier in the day on the cobblestones in Prague. The story is that “they were mobbed by fans and photographers, calling Paris to fall to the ground.” Thanks to WENN for these photos.

Paris Hilton was on popular German variety show “Wetten, Das?” or “Wanna Bet?” this weekend. Overall she was rather boring, although she got the crowd laughing with a stupid comment that wasn’t meant to be a joke. Host Thomas Gottschalk made two cracks about her high intelligence and it didn’t seem like she understood that he was making fun of her.

When Paris came on stage she kissed the five guests that were already there on both cheeks, although that’s not a custom at all in Germany. She seemed nervous at first, but warmed up as the show went on. The show is broadcast in German and English-speaking guests rely on a translation of the questions from a listening device.

Host Thomas Gottschalk asked Paris about her boyfriend, Benji Madden, and mentioned that she’s on tour with him. Gottschalk asked if she was able to step out of the spotlight and let her boyfriend take center stage.

Paris is “really in love”
She said, “I’m so proud of him. I love the band. I’m really in love so it’s nice being on tour. It’s exciting being here as well.”

Then the host asked Paris about her reputation. He said everyone is talking about her and that some people call her a clever businesswoman and others call her a comic figure. He asked how she would describe herself.

Paris answered “I’m definitely a businesswoman. I have several business projects.”

Paris talked about her upcoming show to find a best friend and said it would include girls and guys.

Gottschalk joked that Paris might chose one of the cute one German male actors on stage, and one guy said he was taken and the other one said “I’m not.”

Paris said “I’m very loyal, especially now.”
Paris said she was taken and that “I’m very loyal, definitely, especially now,” which made the crowd crack up laughing, although she didn’t seem to intend it as a joke.

They had three female German biatheletes on stage and Paris said “I love sports, I love to ski.” She complimented one of the biatheletes on her bright red hair.

On the show the guests bet whether people can complete bizarre tasks and if the celebrities lose they have to do something that’s meant to be embarrassing and/or uncomfortable. For instance the two young German guys, Jimi Blue and Wilson Gonzalez, had to take a bath in a vat of ice water on stage when they lost their bet.

Paris’ lame challenge
Paris’ bet involved whether an Australian guy could hit a squash ball three times into a tiny box outside the court. She bet he could do it and lost, and all she had to do after she lost was pick someone out of the audience and pose with them in a photo booth, something that comes naturally for her.

Host mocks Paris
Gottschalk asked Paris to pose for a photo with another guest, soccer goalie Oliver Kahn, and made a joke that they needed a photo for the Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung (similar to the NY Times) for a report on people of high intelligence. Paris didn’t laugh so they either didn’t translate that it for her or she didn’t get it.

Overall it’s safe to say that Paris remains an object of derision in Germany.

You can watch the video of Paris’ lame challenge on ZDF.de. Pictures from local newspaper thueringer-allgemeine.de.

Paris Hilton serves as an example that despite a lack of education, talent, personality or any discernible skill, you too can become filthy rich by showing up to stuff and slapping your name on the right cheap merchandise.

Paris gave some statements while in Istanbul to judge the Miss Turkey beauty pageant that she’s a self made woman and doesn’t pay attention to her detractors. She sees herself as an inspiration to girls and says she’s “built this empire on my own.”

In Istanbul, Turkey, to judge the annual Miss Turkey beauty pageant, the celebutante defended herself against claims that she is the superficial simpleton the media would have you believe she is.

“I don’t pay attention to lies because I am a good person,” says the hotel heiress. “I work very hard and I’ve built this empire on my own. I think this is an inspiration for a lot of girls out there.”

Speaking of her rich grandpa, the older Hilton sister shrugged off the bad news that she and her siblings have been all but completely written out of their portion of Conrad Hilton’s $2.3 billion fortune, saying, “It won’t affect me anyway.”

[From OK! Magazine]

Maybe she’s right and that’s what’s sad. There are plenty of girls who want to be starved and stupid just like Paris. She inspires them to go shopping, act clueless, and back stab their friends.

OK! Magazine points out the obvious facts that Paris went to jail for violating probation on a DUI and that she rose to fame following the release of a sex tape, but even if you assume she’s moved past that and is a different person now, what has she done that’s so inspirational? She’s made money from appearances, she released a perfume and some ugly handbags, she endorses champagne in a can, and she showed up at an orphanage once when it was convenient for her.

Disney characters that have their lives saved by whatever man comes along are much more inspirational than Paris. I’d rather have my future daughter aspiring to marry well than trying to become infamous like Paris, not that either is preferable to a good education.

Paris is shown in Turkey yesterday, thanks to WENN.