It looks like planned vag jokes at the upcoming Billboard awards hit too close to home for ‘ol wonky eye. She pulled out of hosting the event at the last minute due to supposed loyalty to her new friend and crotch-baring comrad, Britney.

Paris Hilton won’t joke about her peeps.

The hotel heiress canceled an appearance at next week’s Billboard Music Awards because she didn’t like the jokes written for her, according to a spokesman.

“It is my understanding that some satirical references ridiculed some of her peers,” her spokesman, Elliot Mintz, said in a statement. “Paris did not want to say anything that could appear hurtful or embarassing about people she knows.”

Mintz said Hilton received a script Friday that contained material she found “objectionable.” Representatives for Hilton and the awards show could not come to an agreement about the script’s content so she decided to scrap the appearance, he said.

If only Paris could have read a few scripted jokes about Britney’s hairless beaver, she could have effectively distanced herself from the four totally deliberate incidents. Instead everyone now knows that Paris coached Britney on how to slip a lip. Unlike Paris and her drunken exposures, Britney no-pants looks like a redundant amateur. Paris is a lousy teacher and she should be ashamed.

Now we’ll have to hear those jokes coming from that Frankenstein guy from “Everyone Loves Raymond.” Surely his delivery will be better than Paris ever could have managed.

Here’s Paris at VH1’s “Big in 2006″ awards, which airs tonight. She won for “Big Outlaw,” proving that DUI does pay.

Thanks to Viv and White Trash Mom for this story.

After crashing the Interwebs by posing with her legs open on four separate occasions, Britney topped it off by hanging out with vagina-naming Paris Hilton-castoff Brandon Davis, an heir to a once-significant oil fortune that turned out to be a whole lot of debt. Brandon crashed on Paris’ couch for a while this summer and seems like he was her fuck buddy. He stays in the spotlight with a combination of bombastic arrogance and luck.

On Wednesday night Brandon hung out with Britney after meeting up at The Roosevelt Hotel and they went out to a party together. Brandon might be still staying at Paris’ house as he was spotted leaving her place the next day wearing the same clothes.

It’s unlikely Paris is still diddling him, though. She was seen out in a late-night meetup with Stavros wearing a huge locket around her neck with the picture of the two of them together. Aw, cute.

As for Paris and Britney’s newfound friendship, it seems to have been replaced with Paris’ busy business schedule. She attended another even yesterday for Arbys or something, and has been seen out with Nicole this week. She probably wants Britney to know that she has to get her shit together if she wants to make it into her inner circle permanently.

Britney’s deliberate crotch slips have made it into the mainstream pop culture news. Friends and family are said to want to help her get her shit together, but she’s unlikely to accept their assistance. She once said that listening to advice was her greatest mistake. It seems she prefers to air out her nasty mistakes in public frequently, begging us all to display them for her. Paris could only take it for so long.

The header image is old from like last week, but I can’t find any newer pics that I’m actually allowed to post. Thank Perez.

Yesterday I ran a blind item from a questionable “lawyer’s” blog that claims that Lohan and Paris were once lovers and that’s why they’re fighting in public so much. Remember that myspace hack that allowed people to view comments on private profiles for a window of a few days last month? I saved most everything locally, and thanks to commentor Vix for reminding me that the person presumed to be Paris left a comment joking about a rendevous on what was thought to be Lindsay’s myspace.

In fact, the person said to be Paris was using a myspace icon with a picture of Paris and Lindsay together. Here’s what “BabyTink2″ said on October 17th:

its so sad our secret rendezvous at sky villa saturday is out i think we managed to keep it well hidden considering its now tuesday and its just starting to come out now we gettin good at hiding our love for each other bitch

She also joked around in Lindsay’s myspace comment section about needles and withdrawl, with someone who might have been Hilary Duff making a joke about Strawberry Nesquick:

BabyTink2 [maybe Paris] Oct 17, 2006 4:39 PM

will you hurry up with that needle bitch im gettin withdrawal symptoms lmao

fabulous [maybe Hilary Duff] Oct 17, 2006 4:36 PM

strawberry or banana and paris needs her needles back lmao

[I make no claims that these are actual comments by the people in question, so take it for what it is.]

Regardless of whether Paris and Lindsay were getting it on, they seem to have been good friends at that time since maybe-Paris was using an icon of the two of them together. Something happened that prompted their feud.

Britney Spears has put a temporary hold on her wild crazy nights with Paris Hilton. Her 3 month old baby, Jayden James, has come down with a nasty ear infection, prompting Britney to stay behind and care for the little tyke. Star magazine reports:

New BFFs Britney Spears and Paris Hilton were slated to arrive in South Beach last Friday, and spend Thanksgiving weekend there partying it up with music producer Scott Storch — who is working on Britney’s upcoming album — but Britney’s maternal instincts kicked in!

“Britney was supposed to come to Miami on Friday, but [her son] Jayden had an ear infection, so they had to cancel,” a source tells Star. “Jayden couldn’t fly because of the ear infection, and Britney didn’t want to leave him in L.A., so she scrapped the trip. She was waiting for him to get better, and was hoping to go, but she just decided to stay. She missed her flight on Friday, thinking she would get a later flight, but it never happened.” The source adds that Britney and Paris, along with Jayden, were supposed to stay at Scott’s place in Miami, and also record Britney’s album at a Miami recording Miami studio. Plus, Storch was planning to take them to Walt Disney World on Saturday.

I’m guessing little JJ’s ear infection may also be the real reason Britney pulled out of co-hosting the Billboard Music Awards with Paris next week. It wasn’t a rift ya’ll, it’s just that Britney suddenly remembered she was a mom.

Note by Celebitchy: Header image is of Britney and Sean Preston, because little Jayden James has yet to be seen.

Correction: Oops! Sorry guys, I misread the details of this story on Star this morning and made a huge mistake. The article from Star talks about how Britney, baby Jayden, and Paris were supposed to go to Miami Thanksgiving Weekend (meaning last weekend) and not this Friday, as I misunderstood. Sorry for the oversight. I read the story too fast and got the facts mixed up.

That being said, I think Britney’s just an awful person to say on one hand, she can’t travel to Miami because of her son’s ear infection, and then spend the entire weekend flashing her cooter on the streets of L.A. Bad bad Britney. Antics like this are gonna look just lovely for Team K-Fed in family court. How foolish I was to think she was actually being a concerned mom.

Britney Spears has pretty much squandered all the goodwill points she gained for surprising K-Fed with divorce papers by hanging out with Paris Hilton constantly. In fact she doesn’t seem to have gone home to her multimillion dollar mansion in several days. She was spotted out in the same T-Shirt and shoes for a few days in a row, and was even seen buying new toys for her tots, with paparazzi agency x17 reporting that she is staying at a friends house and doesn’t want to return to her Malibu mansion with its lingering memories and weed stench of FedEx.

X17 notes that Britney was seen looking friendly with a new guy, who turned out to be an agent at the William Morris agency. He was not too recognizable, having gained a few lbs since he was last photographed with her. He seems to have reunited with Britney after a party at Paris’ house, and was seen out with her stocking up on children’s items and getting takeout lunch.

As for where Britney’s children are, little Jayden James is still a faceless mystery but Britney doesn’t seem to be foisting them off on the nanny full time. She told one of x17’s paparazzo that she had to get back to her babies. She was also seen out shopping with 14 month-old Sean Preston and Paris Hilton.

There is only one other 20-something psuedo-celebrity that could drag Britney down more than Paris and that’s Lindsay Lohan. Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart dropped Paris at his teammate’s urging, and someone should tell Britney that hanging out with Paris could hurt her career as much as K-Fed did. I guess self-sabotaging habits die hard.

Case in point: Britney’s vag slip. (I would publish it here but x17 sent me a cease and desist a while ago.) She’s learning a lot from Paris lately, or maybe she just needs clean underwear and would rather go commando.

Pictures courtesy of Celebrity Puke and Splash News Online. All used with permission.

More pictures of Britney, Paris and Sean Preston are after the jump.

Paris has had it with the tabloids chasing her in the United States, so she’s packing up and moving to India. Well, no, not really, but she is planning to visit India next year to help her friend, Anand Jon, do an ad campaign for his clothing line.

The hotel heiress has reportedly agreed to star in a clothing campaign to be shot in the country next year, despite her being dissed by Indian officials over the summer who banned her debut music video for “Stars Are Blind” due to its strong sexual connotations.

Anand Jon, the American-born, Indian fashion designer, told the Times of India that the 25-year-old Simple Life star will serve as the face of his eponymous clothing line, which specializes in high-end evening wear.

“Who could be better than Paris—the ultimate It girl—to present my designs?” he said. “Paris is a very close friend of mine. We have known each other for a long time. So, when I told her about this visit, she was pretty excited. For her, India is the land of exotica and beauty. In fact, her response was ‘I finally get to visit the exotic!’ “

Bless. Paris will finally have a chance to “visit the exotic” and wear that beaded chiffon kurti she showed off from her closet in Simple Life 4. Also, I’m feeling for Paris here. I didn’t know her video Stars are Blind was banned in India for being too sexually provocative. I’ve seen raunchier Indian music videos that scandalize me on a daily basis via Indian satellite TV. I think most Indian music videos outwhore the videos played in the U.S. If you want to know what I’m talking about, check out this music video starring India’s top video “It” girl, Rakhi Sawant. If this can pass the censors, Paris should be able to as well.

There’s this huge security flaw in myspace that lets you read comments on private profiles, and I’ve pretty much read all the crap that Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Hillary Duff, and Nicole Richie are saying to each other. Paris got told by her PR guy Elliott to cut it out and she was supposedly grounded from using the computer, but of course she didn’t comply and continued commenting.

This was up on Oh No They Didn’t and got a brief mention in The NY Daily News, but the ONTD post is private now and I learned about it through a friend’s e-mail.

The thing is, there’s a formula to it and it really doesn’t matter if someone changes their profile name or password. Once you know their numeric user ID it’s incredibly simple to do, and as long as they keep commenting it’s easy to find out their numeric user ID.

They seem to realize that people are reading their comments and are talking about all the new people asking to be added as friends, but they don’t really get the fact that changing their passwords and screen names doesn’t fix the problem.

I was really reluctant to report on this at first as 1) there’s way too much information to sift through and report 2) it feels wrong and 3) I don’t want to get sued. Plus I got sucked into the voyeuristic aspect of it and I wanted to be able to keep spying.

Best Week Ever has the links, though. I know this is Monday’s news but somehow it fell under my radar.

The juiciest news: Lindsay, Hilary, and Paris talk about doing banana and strawberry “Nesquick” and returning “needles” to each other. They could just be joking around. They’re also all friends with Jesse McCartney, and he could be screwing Lindsay, because he says:

But it’s just as likely that they’re joking around, and of course there’s no way to verify that it’s really Lindsay, Paris et. al, but I believe.

Paris also tells Lindsay:

And it looks like Paris is BFF with Lindsay again because she’s using an icon of the two of them together.

Here’s my favorite comment, from Haylie Duff to Jesse McCartney:

If you have any kind of logic skills you’ll quickly be able to figure out how to view anyone’s private comments using the links from the Best Week Ever post above.

Myspace will undoubtedly fix this soon, and it’s a huge security flaw. According to myspace’s user agreement everything on the site legally belongs to them, so I don’t know if any celebrity lawyers can sue for reposting information found on myspace, but if it gets widely distributed like Paris’ hacked Blackberry they’re sure to try.

Paris reportedly wants nothing to do with the promotion for her latest crappy flick, “Pledge This!” She did not show up for promotion at Cannes, skipped the Chicago premiere, and may try to dodge the new premiere date at the end of the month, which was scheduled just for her.

Page Six is reporting that not only is Paris trying to make sure she’s not associated with the T&A flick in which she stars, but that she also ruined yet another hookup’s career. She’s sleeping with some random male model, James Neate, who was over a day late to a Details photoshoot as a result of partying with her. He bragged about getting stalked by the paparrazi, and that may be his last shot at the limelight, as Details has vowed never to work with him or his agency again.

Paris was dumped by football player Matt Leinart in late Spring after his teammates told him to stay the hell away from her. She also wrecked a french Canadian hockey player’s long term relationship, and sullied the reputation of the young model who appeared in her “Stars are Blind” video.

Here’s a riveting clip from “Pledge This!”

There are two more clips available on YouTube:
Paris applies lipgloss while a threeway goes on in a bathroom stall behind her. (boobies NSFW)
Paris wins some sort of head sorority contest.

I always thought Paris Hilton was the type of girl who bought her costumes from a store called Whores R Us, but it seems I was not too far off the mark. According to the latest photos at X17 Online, Paris was seen shopping for a Halloween costume at a store called Trashy, how trashy is that?

Below are pictures of the costumes she wore from this store last year.

Paris and Nicole have amped up their “we’ve made up, watch our dumb reality show for yet another season” campaign. They were photographed all around town: visiting Nicole’s dad on 10/8, leaving touching notes on the grave of a friend on 10/9, shopping for dog beds and visiting a book store on 10/10.

When the news first came out that Paris and Nicole had made up, I said “I would love to see these two together again. I’m kind of sick of each of them separately, but if they became friends again there might be some fun stories and pictures.” Boy do I ever take that back. How stupid could I be? These two are even more annoying together. Please forgive me for publishing these pictures. They’re kind of like the Schwarzenegger fingering that girl picture - I couldn’t resist. [via]

Update: here’s a video of the two trying to walk while surrounded by a swarm of photographers: