Lindsay Lohan tried to offer an olive branch to Paris Hilton, leaving her nice phone messages in her 55 year-old heavy smoker’s voice. Lohan said she wanted to make peace with Paris after their longstanding feud over swapping Greek shipping heirs back and forth, re-infecting each other with various strains of communicable diseases.

Instead of ignoring Lohan or maybe sending her a text or voice message back saying all that was stagnant water under the bridge, Paris did the mature thing - and had her assistant leave fart sound messages on Lindsay’s voice mail:

Lindsay Lohan tried to make peace with Paris, leaving voice mails explaining that she wanted to call a truce.

But Paris refused to call back. Finally, she responded in her usually classy way.

“She had her assistant call Lindsay and leave fart sounds on her voice mail,” a close source told The Enquirer.

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, February 25, 2008]

Paris Hilton is such a nice, caring, responsible person. She even takes in countless animals and gives them a loving home outside the chi chi pet shops where they were confined in misery before she swooped them up for a life of luxury as her living accessories.

After Paris told Ellen DeGeneres on her show on Monday that she had a whopping 17 dogs, the Los Angeles Department of Animal Services paid a visit to her home. It is illegal to have more than three dogs in the city of Los Angeles without a breeder’s permit. There was no one at Paris’ place and it was under construction. The animals weren’t there either, though, they have their own nannies and pet whisperers, which seems like a much better existence than having to wait like last year’s Balenciaga bag for Paris to pick you to accompany her to an event.

Header image is an older one of Paris and Lindsay. The image below of Paris dressed like her dog is from July of last year.

I’m fairly certain that Lindsay Lohan, star of “Mean Girls” has never actually seen “Mean Girls.” If she had, she’s know it’s bad to be a colossal bitch and get into petty fights with other colossal bitches. Never one to accidentally let herself be classy or decent, Lohan got into a catfight with fellow empty headed/empty hearted bitch Paris Hilton at Timbaland’s pre-Grammys party. Why were either of them going to the Grammys you ask? They’re just “actresses”/celebutards right? Well don’t forget that each of these classy gals has put out a CD. Were they well received? Well no. Did they suck ass? Pretty much. But apparently that means they get to go to the Grammys. And if that’s the only qualification, my cat should get to go to the Oscars, because he put out one fine YouTube movie.

If I were at some party where I didn’t belong (like for an awards show to honor good singers) I would do my best to sit there, look pretty, and keep my annoyingly big mouth shut. But Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are incapable of being classy like me, which means they had to fight over Timbaland and generally embarrass the crap out of themselves.

We watched open-mouthed as Lindsay pointed at Paris and snarled: “What the hell is that bitch doing here? I didn’t know she was on the list.” To which Paris spat back: “F*** off you bitch.” We were caught in the crossfire of their extraordinary bust-up at Timbaland’s exclusive pre-Grammys bash at Avalon.

A source close to the pair explained to us: “Both of them want to work with Timbaland to revive their faltering music careers. Both saw the party as an ideal way of getting him on side - but they didn’t count on the other being there.”

Lindsay arrived at the party first. She made a beeline for the hit producer… and waved at him wildly over the barriers. Then Paris strolled in surrounded by a massive entourage and took up a seat directly opposite Li-Lo - and far closer to Timba. Clocking her rival, Lindsay began fluffing up her hair extensions and launched into verbal attack. After her outburst she flounced past Paris, giving the hotel heirhead a death stare. And taking a huge swig of Red Bull, she made her move - clambering over a sofa towards her prey. Not to be outdone, nimble Paris hurdled a barrier and flung herself at him first.

[From the Mirror]

I love the imagery this writer uses. I can actually see Lindsay Lohan jumping over furniture while Paris Hilton makes a beeline over an ottoman. Timbaland apparently just stared at the two girls and walked away without even acknowledging them. Which is probably the best way to handle Paris and Lindsay in any given situation. Here’s an idea for the two of them. While they both suck as acting, they both suck at singing a lot more. So why don’t the two of you pick the thing you’re the least bad at, and work on improving on that one thing? So instead of doing several things terribly, how about you just do the one thing and be mediocre at it?

Here’s some of that Lohan sexiness you just can’t get enough of - last night at the Grammys. Celebitchy pointed out, “She’s brown with flecks of orange.” Always an attractive look. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Oh my God, oh m God, oh my God. Do you remember that day in third grade when that loser girl came to class dressed up in what she thought was her new awesome outfit but was in fact the ugliest, tackiest thing you’d ever seen? And you couldn’t wait for recess so you and your friends could make fun of her behind her back? Okay I wasn’t actually the kid making fun, I was more likely the kid in the awesome hot pink spandex that everyone else was making fun of. But I am waaaaaaaay cooler now, so oh my God, oh my God, oh my God look at what Paris Hilton is wearing!

Paris was out and about celebrating her upcoming 27th birthday party at Area nightclub on Friday night in what can only be described as a concussion-induced fashion choice. I know no one wants to get older, and 27 means you’re a real adult, which is incredibly scary. You can knock off a year or two when you lie about your age, but no way can you knock off 20 years, like Paris seems to be attempting here.

Wearing a tiara, patterned multi-coloured tights and a mint green strapless mini-dress, the starlet, who turns 27 on February 17, was barely recognisable when she arrived at an LA club last night.

And the bizarre get-up didn’t stop there. Paris even had hot-pink hair extensions to match her sparkly pink bag and shoes.

After receiving presents and cards the celebutante danced the night away in the garb which in no resembles her usual sleek style of dress.

[From the Daily Mail]

She looks exactly like my Princess Sparkle My Little Pony. In fact that’d be a big step up for Paris, because Princess Sparkle had this really uncomfortable looking plastic bed with hard plastic sheets. It did a good job of keeping Princess Sparkle’s pants on… might do the same thing for Paris Hilton. And that’d be a birthday present for us all. Paris was able to pull her outfit together with some stunning, glitter-encrusted stilettos. You know what’s never a good idea? Drawing attention to your feet when they’re a size 13. Nothing draws the eye downward like glitter shoes. Or looking at Paris Hilton’s face.

Pictures thanks to WENN.

Though she’s used to spending much more time at the Ivy than at the Ivy League, Paris Hilton actually spent a little time at Harvard University yesterday. Yes THAT Harvard, not some bar or club that has a tricky name. And to further confuse your view of the fundamentals of world order, Paris was given an award. I’m pretty sure it’s the first one she’s ever gotten - you know she wasn’t event the kid that got the lame “Honorable Mention” award at the third grade science fair. Paris was awarded the Harvard Lampoon Humor Magazine’s Woman of the Year award. And she actually looked pretty cute… at least for Paris Hilton. She had a wry smile on her face that made me think she almost understood the joke. Almost. Because then she spoke.

Harvard University loves Paris Hilton. “Harvard is hot!” the 26-year old heiress proclaimed Wednesday as she posed for pictures holding a giant, oversized trophy on the steps of the Lampoon Castle in Cambridge Massachusetts.

“Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine standing here, standing on the steps of the Harvard Lampoon,” Hilton said. “It’s really exciting and I’ve had such a great time.”

The Lampoon award is a spoof of the annual honors given by Harvard’s Hasty Pudding Theatericals. Paris currently stars in the upcoming film The Hottie and the Nottie, which hits theaters on Friday. Hilton, who arrived an hour late for the festivities, told the crowd of about 100 people that her Simple Life Star, Nicole Richie, was also with her, then added: “Just kidding!”

[From OK! Magazine]

It’s too bad Paris made such lame jokes. This would have been the perfect opportunity for her to spend a few hundred bucks and hire someone to ghostwrite something funny for her, and actually pleasantly surprise everyone. She was gracious and seemed to enjoy herself. I’m guessing Paris capped off the closest thing she’s ever had to a college experience by playing some ultimate Frisbee on the quad and sleeping with a guy she later regretted.

Picture Note by JayBird: Images thanks to Splash.

Frightening news: Paris Hilton has an acting coach. And she’s not a new acting coach. Apparently Ivana Chubbuck is pretty well regarded too. Which leads to the next logical question… if this is Paris Hilton WITH an acting coach, what would she have been like without one? How does an acting coach correct for blatant vapidness? “Paris, instead of having flat affect and dead eyes, try raising your voice up and down and doing something crazy with that wonky eye you’ve got.” According to Paris, she’s learned a lot of acting tricks that the rest of us have never heard of.

“My acting coach, Ivana Chubbuck … She’s an incredible acting coach,” Hilton told PEOPLE at Monday’s premiere of her new romantic comedy, The Hottie and the Nottie, in Hollywood.

“If it’s a scene where I have to get upset, I’ll think of a past person,” the heiress, who turns 27 on Feb. 17, said recently of Chubbuck’s advice. “I’ll think of something in my life, use it in the scene, and it really works.”

[From People]

I’m pretty sure I learned the same damn thing from my mentally deranged seventh grade drama teacher. I’d really like to know how much Paris is paying this woman, because I’m pretty sure I could do the same for a lot less. I’m guessing that it’s not that Ivana Chubbuck is a bad acting coach at all. She probably assessed Paris and in about thirty seconds realized she could only teach her preschool level skills. Paris also said her mother gave her some acting advice, which I found pretty confusing. But it turns out Kathy Hilton used to be an actress. She was on two episodes of “Happy Days” in 1977 and an episode of “The Rockford Files” in 1978. How cute that Paris would think it a good idea to defer to her mother’s expertise. Which was, by the way, “…Taking your time, reading it, and making sure that it’s something you can do, and it’s fun. Just having fun with it.” Actually, that “taking your time reading” and “making sure it’s something you can do” is actually really good advice, considering how stupid her daughter is. And to prove that, I leave you with this completely un-edited, non-typo quote from Paris.

“Actors are really great if they’ve lived the life of a lot of things happen to them.”

[From People]

You know what else is really great? Speaking in more than one tense in the same sentence.

Paris Hilton has popped into a lesbian bar on Sunset Boulevard twice in the past month, most recently with her friend Brittny Gastineau. Paris is rumored to be bisexual, and there were some suggestive photos leaked from her hacked blackberry in early 2005 of her kissing a gorgeous female MTV VJ from South America.

Paris Hilton and her House of Wax co-star Elisha Cuthbert have recently renewed their friendship and were supposedly spotted full-on making out at club Tenjune on Tuesday night in NY. Were they just fooling around for publicity or was it something more?

Paris Hilton’s film The Hottie and The Nottie comes out in theaters on February 8th. Surely her PDA with Elisha was honest and wasn’t meant for self promotion.

On New Year’s eve Paris was photographed kissing an unknown woman, also at a nightclub.

Paris and Elisha are shown in April, 2005 promoting House of Wax.

The Osbourne family seems to have a real problem with thinking they’re better than everyone else. Considering patriarch Ozzy Osbourne once bit the head off a live bat, the whole clan should show a bit more humility. Or at least keep their respective mouths shut. In the last month alone, Kelly Osbourne has bragged that “Paris gave me my first alcohol poisoning!” and said that she’s going to save Amy Winehouse from herself. Brother Jack Osbourne has claimed that DUIs are “no big deal” and Ozzy has admitted he can’t remember the bulk of his own life.

Kelly Osbourne is supposedly good friends with Paris Hilton (enough to be given alcohol poisoning by her) and Jack has supposedly slept with Paris (though that’s nothing noteworthy, a recent Reuters poll showed that 78% of the population has slept with Paris Hilton). But apparently that’s not enough to keep Kelly from badmouthing her to the San Francisco Gate.

She says, “I think for a lot of famous people press attention is an addiction. Those girls — Britney, Lindsay (Lohan), Paris and so on — are competing for the attention. It’s like, ‘Who’s going to get arrested next, get pregnant, go out without knickers and get on this week’s cover of Us Weekly?’

“It’s like a contest of self-loathing and I just don’t understand it. How has this turned into the fashionable thing to do? I would be absolutely mortified if I got arrested — I would be terrified of phoning my parents and telling them, and it would completely change me for the rest of my life.”

[From the San Francisco Gate]

I’m not sure if Kelly could possibly open her big mouth any wider. Hopefully she has relatively small feet to shove in there. Kelly is most famous for her family being famous. Kinda like Paris. She did garner a bit of her own fame during the family’s reality TV run, but only because she was so loud and whiney. Nothing to be proud of. Given all that, it shames me to say that what Kelly says actually makes sense. I just think it’s classless to say it about your own friend, especially to the press. And it kind of negates her point, since it makes it look like she’s trying to get press attention. Nonetheless, considering how all those girls – Britney especially – behave, one could easily make the argument that they’re almost trying to embarrass themselves. I never thought I’d say this, but maybe you three should listen to that nice little Osbourne girl.

Picture note by Jaybird: Kelly Osbourne at the Fiat 500 Launch Party at the London Eye on January 21st. Images thanks to PR Photos.

I always thought the Sundance film festival was supposed to be respectable. Fun, but respectable. It’s original aim was to promote independent films. Tom Cruise blockbusters not allowed. But then they let in Paris Hilton. As if they need a cootie factory wandering around Utah. I’m pretty sure a whole team of epidemiologists follows Paris around wherever she goes. There’s a task force mobilized to Park City as we speak. As if anyone needed any more reason to believe Paris Hilton is a vapid, narcissistic waste, the heirhead has been toddling around Sundance, ogling her wonky eye at every swag suite she can find. She’s unofficially there to promote her crap-ass movie, “The Hottie and the Nottie.” Which is ironic, because if you see pictures of the “nottie” Christine Lakin (of “Step by Step” fame) without her “nottie” makeup, she’s a million times more attractive than Paris Hilton. But then again so is the rat that snuck in through my radiator last night. I digress. Paris is at Sundance to unofficially promote her C-movie that no one’s heard of and no one cares about. Her very presence is pretty much a slap in Sundance’s face. Instead of going with a hint of dignity, Paris decided to slut it up. No, not by wearing a bikini in the snow. She’s slutting it up by wearing a t-shirt with her own fugly face on it.

But the heiress didn’t appear particularly interested in the independent films on offer, instead focusing on just one thing - herself. The 25-year-old paraded around the city in a hot pink t-shirt with a portrait of face emblazoned across the front. She is at the event to promote her new film The Hottie and the Nottie, despite the fact it’s not in the official Sundance line up. A night earlier, Paris did what she does best - partying - this time with rapper 50 Cent. Moments before hitting the dance floor, she screamed: “Oh my god I’m having such a good time – this is the best Sundance ever!”

While it’s clear the festival has changed significantly since Robert Redford founded it as a small event for independent films in 1978, he insists it isn’t eclipsed by presence of Hollywood socialites. Redford said: “Paris Hilton and so forth doesn’t have anything to do with anything. There’s nothing pretentious - no red carpets, no limousines allowed. And so people come and mingle together like a real community of artists.”

[From the Daily Mail]

Isn’t that generous of Mr. Redford. Implying that Paris Hilton is in some way a part of “a real community of artists.” Who was that crap artist that painted all those pictures that hang in the lobbies of suburban Sheratons? Whoever they were, Paris Hilton is the acting equivalent of that hack. Though that’s probably a bit too charitable. She’s more akin to the posters that hang in McDonalds. The ones with the plastic gold frames. Just like Paris’ sunglasses. Seriously, I love that Sundance isn’t pretentious, but do they have to let every eight-legged creature in? Because they let in about two dozen of them after they hitched a ride on Paris. Paris has a history of wearing her crooked face on her shirt. X17 has a few photos – one that even seems to highlight the wonky eye. People say she’s actually a savvy businesswoman who knows how to promote her image… I just don’t think they meant it so literally.

Picture note by Jaybird: Paris Hilton leaving the Town Lift during the 2008 Sundance Film Festival on January 20th. Images thanks to WENN.

Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton don’t have the best friendship track record. They filmed one season of their terrible faux reality show The Simple Life separately, but were later shown fake making-up in a staged scene that convinced no one. Some people theorized that they remained friends throughout their supposed estrangement and that it was all for publicity, but they don’t seem savvy enough to me to have pulled it off for so long.

Paris announced Christina Aguilera’s pregnancy for her by calling her “the most beautiful pregnant woman in the world” in what was thought to be a deliberate dig at Richie. These two have supposedly made up since, though, as Paris was listed as one of the official hosts of Nicole Richie’s baby shower in November. Their reconciliation may have been only temporary as usual, because Star Magazine reports that Paris was mighty pissed to learn that Nicole donated her expensive baby gift to the charity she co-founded with her boyfriend, Joel Madden:

When… Paris Hilton gave BFF Nicole Richie and her fiancé, Joel Madden, an expensive crib from L.A.’s Petit Treacute;sor, she was offended to learn that the expectant parents gave it away to charity! “Paris sent them a crib for their baby. It was very expensive, and she was mad when she heard they gave it away,” a source tells Star. “Paris told Nicole, ‘This isn’t something you give away to charity!’” But Nicole already has furniture for the baby’s nursery that her dad, Lionel, bought for her.

[From Star Magazine, print edition, January 21, 2008]

Somehow Nicole Richie has managed to come off as a caring and responsible mother throughout her pregnancy. She said she didn’t even allow people to smoke around her and was reportedly planning a natural, medication-free childbirth while many other celebrities schedule medically unnecessary c-sections.

Nicole and Joel founded a charity to help needy mothers, and seem to have really put their work into it during the last stages of Nicole’s pregnancy. The real test will be if Nicole donates the money she receives for the baby pictures to charity too. Although her dad is loaded she doesn’t have a real career to speak of, though, and I guess you can’t blame her if she decides to keep the cash. As it is, she offloaded Paris’ gift to charity and that’s good enough for me.

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are shown outside Forte restaurant on 11/27/07. I’m also including another picture of Paris to show that she dressed like a hooker that day. Thanks to Splash News.

Paris Hilton and her Swedish pizza delivery boy, Alex Vaggo, were trying in vain to be scenesters in matching track suits, but failed to get the attention of the paparazzi they are likely to have tipped off. They wandered around a restaurant for 20 minutes without ordering and waited for someone to pay attention to them. When no one showed to take their pictures Paris decided to have herdriver tape them instead:

What does Paris Hilton do when the paparazzi aren’t around? She creates her own photo frenzy! She and pizza boy/model Alex Vaggo showed up at trendy diner Ketchup on the Sunset Strip on January 4 wearing “his” and “her” sweatsuits. They didn’t eat or drink and left after 20 minutes. Things got really strange when Paris realized there were no cameras watching her - so she had her driver grab a video camera! He filmed her and asked personal questions as she walked to the car.

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, January 21, 2008]

Paris gets all dressed up with her boyfriend-for-show and they can’t even get their picture taken! What a dilemma.

Like America’s favorite trainwreck, Britney Spears, Paris also might soon be barred from the Four Seasons hotel for bad behavior. In Paris’ case she was ordering around the staff too much and even bullied a little girl!

Paris Hilton… carelessly tromped on the long dress of a little girl on a hotel staircase - making the kid fall down and start bawling! Moments later, Paris actually told management to shut the annoying brat up! Then she started ordered hotel staff around like they were slaves. First she demanded the pool boys have a cluster of chairs waiting for her and her part - parents Kathy and Rick, sis Nicky and even loathsome Brandon Davis - but like shrieked like a demented diva when she claimed the chairs weren’t facing the right way and were too crammed. “Move the chairs to the beach and set up all my umbrellas immediately,” she ranted. By this time, fed-up management - furious at being treated so disrespectfully - revolted. The Four Seasons manager confronted Paris and formally warned she’ll be unwelcome on the premises henceforth if she doesn’t lose the attitude.

[From The National Enquirer, Mike Walker's column, print edition, January 21, 2008]

The Four Seasons doesn’t take crap from anyone, and they must realize that their money comes from the rich people who spend a lot of time there, and not from the celebrities who flit in and out and cause a ruckus for everyone. I love how they keep Paris in check and told Britney she’s never allowed in again. At least they don’t have to worry about Paris bringing a lot of paparazzi with her when she comes since she’s not really attracting that much attention lately. Watch for a big stunt from Paris soon. She knows it’s passé to vag flash after she revealed her secret to Britney and she abused it, but she realizes that she needs to pull something in order to get more press.

Paris Hilton and Swedish pizza boy Alex Vaggo are shown out to dinner and shopping on 12/22/07, thanks to Splash News.