Paris Hilton gave a red carpet interview before her Halloween party at LAX last night and said that her super-short army fatigue dress was in honor of our troops. She said “I’m wearing this for the troops because I know they’re having a hard time right now and don’t really get to celebrate Halloween.” It looks like she’s doing that charity work she mentioned on Larry King Live back when she got out of jail.

At least she gave a shout out to the troops serving in Iraq.

Maybe every time Paris wears a slutty outfit she can come up with a creative charitable reason. Like she’s wearing a bikini in honor of the poor refugees who don’t have clothing. That way, she can continue to wear skimpy outfits while promoting various vaguely related causes.

Speaking of Paris and charity in the same breath, her Rwanda trip hasn’t been canceled, just postponed. She told Extra that the trip will be next year. In the mean time all she has to do is continue dressing like a slut and she can feel content that she’s helping save the world.

Update: Paris dressed as a prisoner later that night and said it was in honor of the disproportionate number of minorities incarcerated in the US. Ok, I made that second part up.

Thanks to WENN for these pictures.

I’ve said a lot of mean things about Paris Hilton. When you work for an entertainment blog, you actually have to sign a contract saying that you’re willing to do that. But of all the mean things I’ve said about her (vapid, bigfoot, herpes haven, etc) I never thought I’d be writing about the heiress’s love of the raccoons. That’s right, Paris loves some ring-tailed goodness.

Paris Hilton can add another talent to her already expanding list of skills such as ‘model’, ‘actress’, ’singer’ and ‘entrepreneur’. It’s ‘raccoon expert’. And it’ll probably be the only legitimate skill she can claim. Paris claims that her raccoon expertise, like the majority of her ‘talents’, is all thanks to her family inheritance. This time thanks to the genes of her dad, Rick Hilton. The 26-year-old explained all by launching into story that was slightly disturbing to hear from a grown woman.

“My dad has a pet raccoon. He found it as a little baby and raised it. If you get to find them when they’re in the nest and still as babies they’ll open their eyes to you at first and they’ll think you’re their mother,” she enthused. But that’s not all, her raccoon knowledge was actually put to use during the making of her new film ‘Repo, A Genetic Opera’, which may be even worse than watching an entire series of ‘The Simple Life’ and about as convincing as her performance in ‘One Night in Paris.’ Director, Darren Lynn Bousman explained: “We had a family of raccoons on the set. We came back from lunch and they were sitting on chairs and on the actual monitors.” And probably doing a better job than the entire cast. “I wanted to hug them but Paris pointed out they had rabies, so I ran away.”

[From Holy Moly]

Paris is known for her irresponsible love of animals. I say irresponsible because she buys and discards them the way you or I might purchase a video game. She has a Kinkajou named Baby Luv, 2 ferrets (no not Brandon Davis, a real ferret), a self-described “big ass cat,” a chinchilla, and more dogs and cats than I can shake a litter box at. There’s even a website called “Tell Paris No!” (like you’d say to a bad dog, I’m assuming) who’s mission is to dissuade the heiress from collecting more exotic animals that she can’t care for. Something tells me we have Rick Hilton to thank for all of this. Just like Paris herself. Thanks, Rick. What other atrocities are you going to inflict on us?

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s a video of 2 of Paris’s dogs escaping from her menagerie. They had to be rescued by TMZ photographers. Oh indignity of indignities!

Okay, I’ll admit it: my sense of humor is not so advanced that I find David Letterman funny. That’s always followed up by someone asking which late night host I do find funny. Ummm… well none of them. But David Letterman has never given me more than a mild chuckle. Yes, I get that the problem is me, not him. It’s a massive, unforgivable character flaw. But Dave has redeemed himself with me (which I know he’s been worried about for a while). He embarrassed the crap outta Paris Hilton. Thus, I now love and respect David Lettermen with a previously undiscovered ferocity. He lobbed a number of questions at Hilton as she grew increasingly uncomfortable and annoyed. “How’d you like being in jail?” started the conversation. Then there was, “How was the bologna?” and “Have your friends treated you differently now that you’re out of the slammer?” And my personal favorite: “What’d you do? Do you know what you did wrong?”

Hilton: “I’ve moved on with my life, so I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

Letterman: “This is where you and I are different — All I want to do is talk about it. Did you make any friends while you were in jail?”

Hilton: “I’m not answering any more questions about it. I’m here to talk about my clothing line, my movie and my perfume. I’m moving on.”

[From readexpress.com]

To really understand the greatness of Letterman’s interview, you must watch it. Seeing Paris Hilton squirm is just about my favorite thing in the world. I might have a teeny, tiny bit of sympathy if she’d change one iota like she promised she would – but come on, it’s Paris Hilton. Did any of us really believe for a second that she’s capable of becoming a decent human being? Enjoy the video and lovely Hilton squirmishness.

Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl does not mince words when it comes to airing his opinion about stuck up Paris Hilton. His negative impression of the heiress with her hand in too many pots comes from a chance meeting in which she was said to be snotty and rude to the rocker. He calls her f’ing lame and uses a string of adjectives to describe her, only one of which strikes me as inaccurate:

Apparently, one mention of the name PARIS HILTON sends the FOO FIGHTERS frontman utterly ballistic. Dave rages: “Paris is f***ing lame.”

And, warming to his theme, he continues: “She’s more offensive to me than anything.

“She’s a total, raging, disgusting, rich, lazy party slut. I pray that my daughter will not turn out like her.”

Dave and Paris fell out in spectacular style after meeting in a restaurant years ago, when Dave claims that the pampered heiress put on “the full princess attitude with the nose in the air”.

[From The Sun]

The Sun isn’t the most reliable source, and doesn’t include the origin of the quote, so it could be old, made up, or supposedly overheard, but I like to think that he actually said it in an interview somewhere.

Although Paris may seem lazy on the surface, she’s capitalizing on that image every moment of the day. The girl has a lackluster personality and a seeming disinterest in life that belies a deep ambition to be everywhere and anywhere. She has so much shit going on and somehow manages to make it seem as if all she does is party and lounge around with a vacant smile on her face. That takes talent and a good team of people handling everything and making all the decisions for her.

Paris was said to receive a nice chunk of her inheritance despite earlier reports that she was being cut off by her grandfather. I’m not sure if this is an accurate report, but she supposedly got 120 million from her grandfather:

Paris Hilton has finally been allowed her £60 million inheritance money.

The hotel heiress received the lump sum from her grandfather who’s said to be impressed by her business acumen.

William Barron Hilton – who turns 80 next month - had previously withheld the fortune because he wanted to be sure Paris, 26, was mature enough to handle the money.

But now it seems he’s more than happy to part with his millions and trusts that Paris will be sensible with it.

Paris was seen see out celebrating the news by ordering champagne and partying into the night with friends Dave Navarro, 40, and Kevin Zegers, 22.

[NowMagazine.co.uk]

And Paris denies a story that she wants to adopt four blonde baby girls to add to her animal menagerie. She said “That’s retarded. No, I’m not.” Yes, most of Grohl’s description of Paris is apt. She said she might adopt, but that she wanted to have her own children.

If Paris wants to get started on those blonde babies, she might have a good candidate for a sperm donor. She was seen out with a hot but dumb-looking model type at the Ivy yesterday. Going to the Ivy is a sure way to announce the relationship of the week.

Nicole Richie has postponed her planned wedding to Joel Madden amid concerns that she is taking on too much before the birth of their baby. Joel’s twin brother Benji Monk is about to marry his fiance, Sophie Monk, and word is that Joel wanted to have the weddings close together. Nicole put a kibosh on those plans due to stress.

Nicole successfully completed her whopping 82 minutes in jail for her second DUI and should be relatively stress-free apart from the fact that she’s due to give birth in January. Still, she didn’t want to risk it by throwing a big wedding now. I bet she just didn’t want to look “fat” in her wedding dress:

25 year-old [Nicole Richie] is refusing to have any sort of ceremony until after she gives birth to their baby in January 2008. “Everything is getting too stressful for Nicole,” says a friend of the celebutante. “Having a baby is the most important thing right now, and she knows it. She’s emotionally and physically exhausted, and the thought of organizing a wedding it too overwhelming.”

[From Star Magazine, print edition, September 17, 2007]

The article also calls Nicole the “Yoko Ono” to her fiance’s band, Good Charlotte. She is said to be annoyed at the the groupies that surround her man and his bandmates and to nag him constantly about it. They quote a source who says “When Nicole is around the rest of the guys and their girlfriends, she is hard to deal with and not nice at all. This causes tension in the band that was never there before.”

Meanwhile there is a blurb this this week’s Enquirer that may explain why Paris Hilton was so quick to call Christina Aguilera “the most beautiful pregnant woman in the world.” They say that Nicole was deliberately cutting Paris off the guest list at her now-canned nuptuals because she was acting like a bitch as usual:

Paris Hilton [asked] “Is Joel Madden really the baby-daddy?” Clucked an insider: “Nicole says it’s the most insulting thing she’s ever heard - but even Paris has the nerve to ask the question!” How does Nicole respond? “With a salty eff-you.. then she cross them [Paris] off the list for her wedding!”

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, Mike Walker's column, September 17, 2007]

It’s a shame that bitchy back-biters like Nicole and Paris can’t be friends. They have so much in common.

I’m glad Nicole cancelled her wedding until after the birth of her baby. That way, we’ll be spared a lot of fluff news about her until January when she’s due.

Here is Nicole going to a fashion show at Bryant Park on 9/8. Thanks to Splash News for these pictures.

Paris Hilton has the sensitivity of a gnat. Though that’s pretty insulting to gnats. It’s hard to tell if she’s just a moron or if she was being a passive-aggressive bitch, but she announced to a big crowd at LAX this weekend that Christina Aguilera was pregnant, even though Aguilera has yet to announce this herself – and it’s obviously her news to give, not some random, talentless twit’s.

“Paris Hilton got on the microphone at a packed Las Vegas nightclub and lavished Christina Aguilera with praise – and in the process revealed a celebrity secret.

“‘Congratulations to the most beautiful pregnant woman in the world. You’re gorgeous,’ Hilton announced at about 2 a.m. Sunday at an Aguilera-hosted party at LAX Nightclub in the Luxor.

“Aguilera, who has never confirmed being pregnant despite a visible bump beneath her pink chiffon mini-dress, appeared temporarily shocked as she sat in her perch in the elevated VIP booth. She sank her head into the shoulder of husband Jordan Bratman as her friends looked stunned.

“But she quickly recovered, and the two looked at each other and laughed as the crowd – which included Adrien Grenier, Melanie Brown, Criss Angel and cast members from The Hills – erupted in applause. (Aguilera’s rep declined to comment).

“Hilton’s surprise announcement, coming after she earlier put her hand on Aguilera’s stomach and the pair giggled, was the highlight of the LAX party, one of many rocking Las Vegas on the weekend of the MTV Video Music Awards.”

[From People]

For about a million reasons, I’d like to find Paris Hilton alone in a dark alley. That sounds oddly sexual. I mean that in the “I’d like to beat you up and knock the two IQ points you have left out of your head” way. I’m sure Christina Aguilera didn’t want her pregnancy announced by the likes of Paris Hilton. That’s what high-paid exclusive interviews with In Touch are for. I can’t imagine why she’s waited so long to make the announcement, since she’s been showing for a while now. It sounds like Christina was pretty gracious about it. I would have found a beer bottle to toss at the microphone.

It also sounds like that was a dig at supposed “best friend” Nicole Richie, who is also pregnant. Publicly (and needlessly) calling someone else “‘most beautiful pregnant woman in the world,’” sounds like old-school catty, bitchy Paris at her best. She didn’t say “one of” the most beautiful or just that Christina looked great or any number of other ways that could have been phrased. Something tells me Paris’s name isn’t on the short list of possible godmothers for Richie’s upcoming bundle of joy.

Paris is shown at the VMAs last night.

Mischa Barton and Paris Hilton had a very public spat last year, with Mischa saying that Paris “seems to hate everyone around her age who is more successful. Silly bitch - she does steal people’s boyfriends.” Paris retorted saying she “didn’t even know” Mischa and that “she is the one who is trying to stir up a rivalry. I have never said a word about her… but she seems to be spending a lot of time thinking about me.”

In return, Paris’ mouthpiece, Elliot Mintz said that “a lot of celebrities are using Paris’ name so they can get some ink and Mischa seems to be one of them.”

Mischa then dismissed the stealing boyfriends remark, said it was a joke and said “Paris isn’t my rival. I met her one or two times and she’s making out there’s this big rivalry between us and there so isn’t.” [Details from People.com]

Mischa’s then-boyfriend brought it home by saying “Has Paris nothing better to do? At least Misch has a job - she’s a respected actress.”

So these two haven’t had much love for each other since February, 2006 when it all started. Paris wants to mend fences with Mischa now and recently reached out to her, bitching about how all her other girlfriends suck, but Mischa wasn’t having it:

Paris Hilton - playing her “New Paris” role to the hilt - phoned ex-BFF Mischa Barton, cooing about mending their prickly relationship - and gushing that of all her frenemies, she missed the ex-”O.C.” star the most! Said a source: “Paris then went into a rant about the mess Nichole Richie’s made of her life, how Britney Spears snubbed her - and that Lindsay Lohan’s white trash and destined to be dead soon.” Soured by Paris’s poison tongue, Mischa blew off an invite for a just-us-girlies-get-together… and hung up abruptly. Just days later… you guess it!… Mischa heard Paris was slamming her as “a jealous witch!” Mee-Ow!

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, Mike Walker's column, September 10, 2007]

Of all the young Hollywood crowd, Mischa seems to have her life most together, and that’s smart of her not to fall for Paris’ bullshit. Maybe she should have put up with Paris for a little while though if only to get some much-needed fashion advice. The poor girl is gorgeous but she looks like total shit most of the time due to her poor outfit choices. For everything you can say about Paris, she looks well put together and works it. Being a good person and looking good require completely different skillsets.

Paris Hilton is shown on 9/1 at the Play For Good Foundation Gala in Mallorca, Spain. Mischa Barton is shown on 8/6 at the Paper Magazine party for Rihanna in NY. Thanks to PRPhotos.

Remember back in the good old days, when stars would be wooed to be on a project? Apparently those days of wining, dining, and flattery are over. Donald Trump has been doing his usual blabbing to Page Six, and told them he wants Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears to be on his new celebrity version of the Apprentice. But instead of sending some flowers and a note with some chocolates, Donald thought it better to tell Page Six that Britney’s a mess. If she was on the fence before, I’m pretty sure she’s jumped off now.

“’We’re negotiating with Britney right now.” The Donald told Page Six. (Doesn’t he know that’s almost enough to get a subpoena from K-Fed’s lawyer?!) “Can you imagine her doing it? We’re not sure what will happen. She’s a [expletive] mess. And that little reality show she had did nothing. But she likes the idea of being on television and I think she’d be great.’”

[From MSNBC]

Um, Donald? I know you’re the greatest businessman ever, with the awesomest hair ever, but I don’t think calling someone names is the best way to get them on your side. And it’s probably no the greatest plan to blab to the press that Lindsay Lohan should get new parents if she wants a better life if you want to woo her. That’s just me, and I’m no expert. Just a thought though.

“Apparently Paris Hilton wants in on the fun. ‘(She) wants to be on, and we’re thinking about it, but I don’t know if we’re going to do it,’ Trump said.

“What about LiLo? ‘Another (expletive) mess,’ said the blunt billionaire. ‘We haven’t asked her yet, but I’m going to call her this week. It would be a positive thing for her to do … for all of them,’ he boasted to Page Six.”

[From MSNBC]

This guy is so delusional. He thinks he’s sexy on a stick, and smart to boot. Apparently egomania can get you pretty far in this country, or at least get you a willing ear at the Daily News. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m pretty sure Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears are all too smart, or at least have too much dignity – to say yes to this project. Damn you, Donald Trump, you’re such a asshole that you actually made me say that the airhead trifecta has dignity. That’s what a moron you are.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s the Donald at a private photo shoot (probably for his new line of Trump Ties) at his Ft. Lauderdale home in July. Keep your panties on, Ladies. Header image from Donald unveiling his Trump Home Luxury Lifestyle collection at Macy’s on July 19th. Image thanks to PR Photos.

Paris Hilton launched her fashion line at L.A. boutique Kitson yesterday. Featuring bikinis made out of clothing the size of tea bags and underwear with a special herpes-preventing liner, the clothes were widely considered both classy and useful. Okay that’s not what was actually mentioned in the press release, and no I’m not there so I don’t know, but I’ve seen the way Paris dresses, and she said, “”It’s just from my closet to their closets,” so it stands to reason that the majority of the clothing line features herpes-protective liners.

“The heiress, author, singer, perfume designer and reality-TV star unveiled the line at Kitson, a boutique known for its celebrity clientele. The traffic lane was closed for pedestrians’ safety, a city spokesman said. Clad in a gold sequin minidress, Hilton, 26, emerged from a black sport utility vehicle to a throng of fans who spilled into the street Thursday. Inside the store, Hilton was all smiles.

“’It’s a dream come true to have my own clothing line,’” she said. “’It’s just Paris style: fun, bright and flashy.’”

[From the Associated Press]

Okay two things here. No one, including Paris herself, ever has the right to call her “bright.” I don’t care if she meant it in the color sense, it’s too easily mistaken. And flashy? I think you mean trashy, hon. My favorite part is referring to her as an “author” “singer” and “perfume designer.” Where’s “layabout” and “walking airbag?” I know PR people are supposed to put their client in the best light possible, but when your client is the biggest joke in show business, maybe you should lighten up and just be honest. “Convicted drunk driver,” and “Girl who dots all her ‘i’s with a heart,” gives us a much more accurate image of Paris.

“The collection, which Hilton described as ‘really comfortable’ and ‘really affordable,’ includes shoes, T-shirts and jeans. Hilton said she spent a year submitting and approving designs. She also discussed other newsy matters in her life: her pregnant pal, Nicole Richie (‘She’s going to be a great mom,’ Hilton said), and the pending sale of her Hollywood Hills home.

“’I’m going to miss my house because I love it. I really designed it to be my perfect taste,’ she said. ‘But too many people know where I live and I’d rather be in a gated community.’”

[From the Washington Post]

Maybe if you didn’t beg the paparazzi to follow you home and photograph you, fewer people would know where you live. I have a feeling Paris isn’t going to fit in so well with the gated community folk. I know she comes from wealth, but in her case money definitely does not equal class. How in the world is she going to get the paparazzi to follow her home now? Are they supposed to climb up and over the gate? I’m not saying they won’t, I’m just saying that’s a lot to ask of them. I have this image of her leaving a trail of plastic sequins to follow. Sort of like Hansel and Gretel, but sleazier.

Picture note by JayBird: Here’s Paris getting her makeup applied (again) at Kitson. Header image of Paris (wearing her “own” creation) arriving at their red carpet yesterday. Image thanks to WENN.

Apparently going to jail raises your prices – a lot. While the average offender can expect their earning potential to take a dive after serving time, Paris Hilton seems to think it makes her a lot more marketable – five times more so, in fact. Last year, Paris charged $100,000 to make an appearance on New Year’s Eve. This year? Half a million. The delusional socialite seems to think that’s what an evening of her scintillating conversation and wonky eyed expressions are worth.

“Paris Hilton and Nicky Hilton are reportedly offering their hosting services for New Year’s Eve celebrations in Las Vegas - but with a $500,000 price tag. Paris is said to have asked for just $100,000 for the night’s appearance last year but with her sister, and after her jail-time, her price has gone up.

“A Las Vegas source told the New York Post: ‘Paris and Nicky are shopping their partying ways to Vegas at the price of around $500,000 - only they have the guts to ask for that amount - for a multiple-day New Year’s Eve bash.’

“’Paris will ”party” at a few spots and Nicky will bless the lucky host with a fashion show of her wares and model herself.’ But the source added that it’s unlikely that anyone will take them up on the deal because the tide is turning against the heiresses: ‘[the Hiltons] are so desperate now, they should be paying the clubs for good PR, not the other way around.’”

[From Fametastic]

Oh, snap! It’s true though. As much as I’m not a fan of either of the Hiltons, it’s telling that Nicky is willing to do something for her fee. I’m not saying it’s worth $10, but it’s better than just saying you’ll party at a few spots.

In news that makes A LOT more sense, Paris is a virus’s best friend. No, not just her well documented sixteen strains of herpes, I’m talking about computer viruses (this time). You know all that spam, viruses, trojan horses, and other weird computer things that mess up your system? Well they often use images and names of celebrities to tempt you into visiting their pages or opening their email. Who’s the number one name malware writers favor? Paris Hilton!

“Paris Hilton has topped the list of celebrities used by malware writers to tempt users into downloading a virus.

“Security software firm McAfee last month looked at the number of web pages with malware embedded and at spam containing virus attachments.

“Celebrities are often used to invite users to click on a malicious link or attachment, and McAfee has drawn up a top 10 list.

“Hotel heiress Hilton is number one, followed by pop star Amy Winehouse and footballer Cristiano Ronaldo.”

[From vnunet.com]

I knew Paris carried so many STDs that there were some that doctors had never seen before, but I didn’t realize they were so strong and advanced that they’d morphed into digital strains. That’s got to knock her price down to a good $450,000 for New Years Eve. Although a lot of doctors and scientists might be willing to show up with a load of Petri dishes. If they line the floor with them, a few of her bugs are bound to fall out.

Picture note by JayBird: Header image is Paris shopping at Fred Segal in West Hollywood yesterday. Image thanks to WENN.