Blind items are a way for the rags to insinuate stuff they assume about the celebrities without getting into trouble by stating it outright. In most cases, like Ted C’s items on E! Online, they’re hard to figure out (probably because you need a translator for Ted-speak), which makes them seem more likely to be true. I mean, if it was obvious who the celebrity was why would they make it a blind item?

The NY Post just uses blind items to make scandalous conclusions about people and they don’t even bother to try to make them hard to figure out. Here are today’s:

WHICH recently separated celeb has a new habit to go along with her new friends? The cutie is spending way too much time in the bathroom of the many clubs she visits, hoovering down cocaine that her pals supply her with . . .
Britney Spears

WHICH hard-partying Hollywood starlet has club cocktail waitresses fueling rumors of rehab by whispering that the actress cuts her coke with strawberry Quik? . . .
Lindsay Lohan

WHICH new pair of best friends are actually more? When they get back to their hotels or homes, the clothes come off.
Britney and Paris. Ooh that’s a stretch.

Am I right? There’s almost no one else they could be talking about.

- Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears will be starring in a remake of “The Witches of Eastwick.” Who is going to be the Jack Nicholson character - Brandon Davis? Didn’t he sleep with all of them anyway? [The Independent via Fark]

- There’s going to be yet another “Beverly Hills Cop” movie, it will be number four, and yes Eddie Murphy is in talks to star in it. [Ain’t it Cool News]

- And there’s news of a sequel that might actually be good. George Clooney is set to star in a movie based on the final novel in the “LA Confidential” crime book series. He’s to play a corrupt police lieutenant in “Jazz.” [Hollywood Reporter]

Britney turned 25 on Saturday and had a little paparazzi pow-wow at Mr. Chows. She danced in the window in a too-short dress to let everyone know that she’s wearing those overpriced knickers she bought. Earlier in the day she went to the zoo with little Sean Preston. (Jayden James has yet to be seen, and if she was a cult member you know I would have been all over that and calling it a conspiracy.) After her well-documented dinner she was said to have headed to Hyde nightclub. The paparazzi websites don’t have pictures of that yet, but Paris definitely wasn’t at the zoo or at Mr. Chows. Where was she?

Paris was said to have bought a bunch of shit at Kitson and Kitson kids on Britney’s birthday, but when did she give it to her? Paris wasn’t seen with Britney on her birthday as far as I can tell. Is she disappointed in her prodigy?

What happened between Britney and Paris? Britney looks kind of sad in some of these candids, and seems like she’s stepping out with the help again.

Here’s an only tangentially related and incredibly good old school video from Public Image Limited called Disappointed. This is what I listened to in college, and I saw Johnny Lydon perform it live in a small club in Buffalo, NY:

And here are a bunch of pictures taken on Britney’s birthday. Thanks to Celebrity Puke, Splash News and Flynet for these pics. X17 will not let you use shit.

Update: Paris was out at the same club as Britney on her birthday night, but all might not be well in their friendship. Paris went to the club separately with her own friends and did not start hanging out with Britney until Paris made it a point to go over to her and say hello. They did seem chummy afterwards, but did not leave together. Justin Timberlake was also at the club that night, and hung out with his own entourage.

Another update: Now TMZ is saying that they held hands all night and that Paris dumped Kim Kardashian for Britney. Who can keep up with these two?

It looks like planned vag jokes at the upcoming Billboard awards hit too close to home for ‘ol wonky eye. She pulled out of hosting the event at the last minute due to supposed loyalty to her new friend and crotch-baring comrad, Britney.

Paris Hilton won’t joke about her peeps.

The hotel heiress canceled an appearance at next week’s Billboard Music Awards because she didn’t like the jokes written for her, according to a spokesman.

“It is my understanding that some satirical references ridiculed some of her peers,” her spokesman, Elliot Mintz, said in a statement. “Paris did not want to say anything that could appear hurtful or embarassing about people she knows.”

Mintz said Hilton received a script Friday that contained material she found “objectionable.” Representatives for Hilton and the awards show could not come to an agreement about the script’s content so she decided to scrap the appearance, he said.

If only Paris could have read a few scripted jokes about Britney’s hairless beaver, she could have effectively distanced herself from the four totally deliberate incidents. Instead everyone now knows that Paris coached Britney on how to slip a lip. Unlike Paris and her drunken exposures, Britney no-pants looks like a redundant amateur. Paris is a lousy teacher and she should be ashamed.

Now we’ll have to hear those jokes coming from that Frankenstein guy from “Everyone Loves Raymond.” Surely his delivery will be better than Paris ever could have managed.

Here’s Paris at VH1’s “Big in 2006″ awards, which airs tonight. She won for “Big Outlaw,” proving that DUI does pay.

Thanks to Viv and White Trash Mom for this story.

After crashing the Interwebs by posing with her legs open on four separate occasions, Britney topped it off by hanging out with vagina-naming Paris Hilton-castoff Brandon Davis, an heir to a once-significant oil fortune that turned out to be a whole lot of debt. Brandon crashed on Paris’ couch for a while this summer and seems like he was her fuck buddy. He stays in the spotlight with a combination of bombastic arrogance and luck.

On Wednesday night Brandon hung out with Britney after meeting up at The Roosevelt Hotel and they went out to a party together. Brandon might be still staying at Paris’ house as he was spotted leaving her place the next day wearing the same clothes.

It’s unlikely Paris is still diddling him, though. She was seen out in a late-night meetup with Stavros wearing a huge locket around her neck with the picture of the two of them together. Aw, cute.

As for Paris and Britney’s newfound friendship, it seems to have been replaced with Paris’ busy business schedule. She attended another even yesterday for Arbys or something, and has been seen out with Nicole this week. She probably wants Britney to know that she has to get her shit together if she wants to make it into her inner circle permanently.

Britney’s deliberate crotch slips have made it into the mainstream pop culture news. Friends and family are said to want to help her get her shit together, but she’s unlikely to accept their assistance. She once said that listening to advice was her greatest mistake. It seems she prefers to air out her nasty mistakes in public frequently, begging us all to display them for her. Paris could only take it for so long.

The header image is old from like last week, but I can’t find any newer pics that I’m actually allowed to post. Thank Perez.

Yesterday I ran a blind item from a questionable “lawyer’s” blog that claims that Lohan and Paris were once lovers and that’s why they’re fighting in public so much. Remember that myspace hack that allowed people to view comments on private profiles for a window of a few days last month? I saved most everything locally, and thanks to commentor Vix for reminding me that the person presumed to be Paris left a comment joking about a rendevous on what was thought to be Lindsay’s myspace.

In fact, the person said to be Paris was using a myspace icon with a picture of Paris and Lindsay together. Here’s what “BabyTink2″ said on October 17th:

its so sad our secret rendezvous at sky villa saturday is out i think we managed to keep it well hidden considering its now tuesday and its just starting to come out now we gettin good at hiding our love for each other bitch

She also joked around in Lindsay’s myspace comment section about needles and withdrawl, with someone who might have been Hilary Duff making a joke about Strawberry Nesquick:

BabyTink2 [maybe Paris] Oct 17, 2006 4:39 PM

will you hurry up with that needle bitch im gettin withdrawal symptoms lmao

fabulous [maybe Hilary Duff] Oct 17, 2006 4:36 PM

strawberry or banana and paris needs her needles back lmao

[I make no claims that these are actual comments by the people in question, so take it for what it is.]

Regardless of whether Paris and Lindsay were getting it on, they seem to have been good friends at that time since maybe-Paris was using an icon of the two of them together. Something happened that prompted their feud.

Britney Spears has put a temporary hold on her wild crazy nights with Paris Hilton. Her 3 month old baby, Jayden James, has come down with a nasty ear infection, prompting Britney to stay behind and care for the little tyke. Star magazine reports:

New BFFs Britney Spears and Paris Hilton were slated to arrive in South Beach last Friday, and spend Thanksgiving weekend there partying it up with music producer Scott Storch — who is working on Britney’s upcoming album — but Britney’s maternal instincts kicked in!

“Britney was supposed to come to Miami on Friday, but [her son] Jayden had an ear infection, so they had to cancel,” a source tells Star. “Jayden couldn’t fly because of the ear infection, and Britney didn’t want to leave him in L.A., so she scrapped the trip. She was waiting for him to get better, and was hoping to go, but she just decided to stay. She missed her flight on Friday, thinking she would get a later flight, but it never happened.” The source adds that Britney and Paris, along with Jayden, were supposed to stay at Scott’s place in Miami, and also record Britney’s album at a Miami recording Miami studio. Plus, Storch was planning to take them to Walt Disney World on Saturday.

I’m guessing little JJ’s ear infection may also be the real reason Britney pulled out of co-hosting the Billboard Music Awards with Paris next week. It wasn’t a rift ya’ll, it’s just that Britney suddenly remembered she was a mom.

Note by Celebitchy: Header image is of Britney and Sean Preston, because little Jayden James has yet to be seen.

Correction: Oops! Sorry guys, I misread the details of this story on Star this morning and made a huge mistake. The article from Star talks about how Britney, baby Jayden, and Paris were supposed to go to Miami Thanksgiving Weekend (meaning last weekend) and not this Friday, as I misunderstood. Sorry for the oversight. I read the story too fast and got the facts mixed up.

That being said, I think Britney’s just an awful person to say on one hand, she can’t travel to Miami because of her son’s ear infection, and then spend the entire weekend flashing her cooter on the streets of L.A. Bad bad Britney. Antics like this are gonna look just lovely for Team K-Fed in family court. How foolish I was to think she was actually being a concerned mom.

Britney Spears has pretty much squandered all the goodwill points she gained for surprising K-Fed with divorce papers by hanging out with Paris Hilton constantly. In fact she doesn’t seem to have gone home to her multimillion dollar mansion in several days. She was spotted out in the same T-Shirt and shoes for a few days in a row, and was even seen buying new toys for her tots, with paparazzi agency x17 reporting that she is staying at a friends house and doesn’t want to return to her Malibu mansion with its lingering memories and weed stench of FedEx.

X17 notes that Britney was seen looking friendly with a new guy, who turned out to be an agent at the William Morris agency. He was not too recognizable, having gained a few lbs since he was last photographed with her. He seems to have reunited with Britney after a party at Paris’ house, and was seen out with her stocking up on children’s items and getting takeout lunch.

As for where Britney’s children are, little Jayden James is still a faceless mystery but Britney doesn’t seem to be foisting them off on the nanny full time. She told one of x17’s paparazzo that she had to get back to her babies. She was also seen out shopping with 14 month-old Sean Preston and Paris Hilton.

There is only one other 20-something psuedo-celebrity that could drag Britney down more than Paris and that’s Lindsay Lohan. Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart dropped Paris at his teammate’s urging, and someone should tell Britney that hanging out with Paris could hurt her career as much as K-Fed did. I guess self-sabotaging habits die hard.

Case in point: Britney’s vag slip. (I would publish it here but x17 sent me a cease and desist a while ago.) She’s learning a lot from Paris lately, or maybe she just needs clean underwear and would rather go commando.

Pictures courtesy of Celebrity Puke and Splash News Online. All used with permission.

More pictures of Britney, Paris and Sean Preston are after the jump.

Paris has had it with the tabloids chasing her in the United States, so she’s packing up and moving to India. Well, no, not really, but she is planning to visit India next year to help her friend, Anand Jon, do an ad campaign for his clothing line.

The hotel heiress has reportedly agreed to star in a clothing campaign to be shot in the country next year, despite her being dissed by Indian officials over the summer who banned her debut music video for “Stars Are Blind” due to its strong sexual connotations.

Anand Jon, the American-born, Indian fashion designer, told the Times of India that the 25-year-old Simple Life star will serve as the face of his eponymous clothing line, which specializes in high-end evening wear.

“Who could be better than Paris—the ultimate It girl—to present my designs?” he said. “Paris is a very close friend of mine. We have known each other for a long time. So, when I told her about this visit, she was pretty excited. For her, India is the land of exotica and beauty. In fact, her response was ‘I finally get to visit the exotic!’ “

Bless. Paris will finally have a chance to “visit the exotic” and wear that beaded chiffon kurti she showed off from her closet in Simple Life 4. Also, I’m feeling for Paris here. I didn’t know her video Stars are Blind was banned in India for being too sexually provocative. I’ve seen raunchier Indian music videos that scandalize me on a daily basis via Indian satellite TV. I think most Indian music videos outwhore the videos played in the U.S. If you want to know what I’m talking about, check out this music video starring India’s top video “It” girl, Rakhi Sawant. If this can pass the censors, Paris should be able to as well.

There’s this huge security flaw in myspace that lets you read comments on private profiles, and I’ve pretty much read all the crap that Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Hillary Duff, and Nicole Richie are saying to each other. Paris got told by her PR guy Elliott to cut it out and she was supposedly grounded from using the computer, but of course she didn’t comply and continued commenting.

This was up on Oh No They Didn’t and got a brief mention in The NY Daily News, but the ONTD post is private now and I learned about it through a friend’s e-mail.

The thing is, there’s a formula to it and it really doesn’t matter if someone changes their profile name or password. Once you know their numeric user ID it’s incredibly simple to do, and as long as they keep commenting it’s easy to find out their numeric user ID.

They seem to realize that people are reading their comments and are talking about all the new people asking to be added as friends, but they don’t really get the fact that changing their passwords and screen names doesn’t fix the problem.

I was really reluctant to report on this at first as 1) there’s way too much information to sift through and report 2) it feels wrong and 3) I don’t want to get sued. Plus I got sucked into the voyeuristic aspect of it and I wanted to be able to keep spying.

Best Week Ever has the links, though. I know this is Monday’s news but somehow it fell under my radar.

The juiciest news: Lindsay, Hilary, and Paris talk about doing banana and strawberry “Nesquick” and returning “needles” to each other. They could just be joking around. They’re also all friends with Jesse McCartney, and he could be screwing Lindsay, because he says:

But it’s just as likely that they’re joking around, and of course there’s no way to verify that it’s really Lindsay, Paris et. al, but I believe.

Paris also tells Lindsay:

And it looks like Paris is BFF with Lindsay again because she’s using an icon of the two of them together.

Here’s my favorite comment, from Haylie Duff to Jesse McCartney:

If you have any kind of logic skills you’ll quickly be able to figure out how to view anyone’s private comments using the links from the Best Week Ever post above.

Myspace will undoubtedly fix this soon, and it’s a huge security flaw. According to myspace’s user agreement everything on the site legally belongs to them, so I don’t know if any celebrity lawyers can sue for reposting information found on myspace, but if it gets widely distributed like Paris’ hacked Blackberry they’re sure to try.