There are few things Paris Hilton naturally does well, apart from standing, wagging her one wonky eye at us, and exhaling in disgust. But one of the very few things Paris naturally does well is bring the drama. Professional soap opera writers do not know how to bring the drama like Paris. And to top that off, no one knows how to make sure an event never gets too classy like Paris. Or anyone who chooses to bring Paris to an event. Given all that, it’s surprising many guys would be willing to deal with her for long. Sure her body is okay but you’ve still got to deal with the face – and that’s in addition to all of her lovely personality “quirks.”

Everyone’s been wondering what went down between Paris and ex-boyfriend Doug Reinhardt that lead to their breakup the other night. Naturally we assumed Paris and her wandering herpes felt the irrepressible urge to move onwards. But apparently it was a bit more dramatic – surprise! – than that. And naturally involved fruit and ice thrown at a former beauty queen. As most rational breakups do.

PARIS Hilton and Doug Reinhardt broke up Tuesday night after the heir-head made a huge scene at the Darkroom club in Los Angeles by hurling fruit and ice cubes at a younger, hotter blonde. According to a spokesperson for Texas beauty queen Kendhal Beal, Paris went into “a tirade” because Beal was partying with Reinhardt, Hilton’s beau of six months. The rep told us, “Kendhal and a friend of hers ended up at Darkroom, where Doug and Brody Jenner were hanging out.” Beal and Jenner have been reported to be dating on and off since last year.

“Kendhal knows Brody and Doug, and so they were talking and catching up. They all took a shot and were watching the Lakers game,” said the rep. “But Paris got word that Doug was at the bar, and she showed up and started going at it.” Beal’s rep told Page Six, “Paris was picking up ice and fruit and throwing it at Kendhal — she was the victim. Kendhal did nothing offensive or aggressive. Paris was throwing accusations, calling her names. It was the same thing you always hear about Paris and her tirades.”

[From Page Six]

I’d want to throw fruit at a girl named Kendall if she spelled her name Kendhal to. Try saying that without coming off all breathy, haughty, and sorta “I’m going to blow my stank breath all over you.” Yep, can’t be done. Never thought I’d agree with Paris on anything until now.

According to Page Six and just about every other gossip site on the face of the planet, Paris – never one to stay in for a night moping over a guy when she could go out and get under another guy – hooked up with Madrid Real soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo, and everyone is all atwitter about it.

CHAMPAGNE-swilling RONALDO celebrates his £80million transfer by sharing a raunchy night with PARIS HILTON… The winking winger, 24, kissed and cuddled the 28- year-old socialite in a Hollywood club before they headed to her sister’s home.. A clubber who witnessed their frolicking said: “They were sucking each other’s faces off like their plane was going down.

“At one point Ronaldo had a bottle between his legs and Paris was stroking it. It was very racy.” The pair were united in Hollywood’s posh My House nightspot as news broke that Man Utd had accepted the mega-offer for Ronaldo from Spanish giants Real Madrid… After sharing steamy cuddles and expensive champagne for two hours, Paris headed to sister NICKY’s home in the Hollywood Hills at 2.05am.

Ronaldo, 24, joined her there an hour later after a brief stopover at his hotel. He left at 5am with a broad grin plastered across his face. Paris, 28, last night confirmed she and the Portuguese wonder winger – now the world’s most expensive player – were an item. She told a pal: “He’s hot, a real athlete – and the chemistry between us was electric.” But in a withering put-down last night, Paris told a friend: “Cristiano’s much better than my ex. He was nothing but a low-paid minor league baseball player.”

Ronaldo is on holiday in California after Manchester United’s season ended in Premier League glory and Champions League defeat. Paris tried to pull him at the same time a year ago, thrusting herself at him in LA club Villa.

On that occasion the player knocked her back. But he never fell off her radar. And a pal said: “She was determined to get her man this time. And what Paris wants, Paris gets… She has been telling anyone who will listen that Ronaldo is the hottest thing she has ever seen… She thinks he is sexy and exotic, and loves his body. And she loves men with accents. She says it’s like an aphrodisiac.”

[From the Sun]

There are more disgustingly specific details but I just can’t stomach them anymore. Look Ronaldo, I don’t follow the sports as well as I should. They all blend into one dull game of balls and nets to me. But I know this much: rampant syphilis can knock any man off his game. I don’t care what you’ve got going for you – money, fame, chicks, whatever. If you’re carrying around an entire Planned Parenthood’s worth of Paris Hilton-strain STDs, stuff’s going to start turning badly for you. Quickly. Even a year ago, you had the sense to tell that ho to take a hike. Now you get $80 and this is the time you settle? Really? Clearly money can’t buy taste. And according to these pictures on TMZ, Ronaldo doesn’t look like he’s all that into Paris’ business anyway.

This is such a cliché, but I really was eating my lunch when I started reading these stories. Let me tell you: two things will do wonders for your diet. Watching any kind of surgery on TLC and/or reading about Paris Hilton’s love life. I really think her tongue has been taken over by that bursting-alien-baby thing from “Alien.” It seems to be leading first and she’s just following.

Men of… well the whole world, to play it safe – Men of the world! Be on alert! There is a disgusting, germ-filled trollip on the loose! She wants your wallet and your crotch! If you’ve had enough to drink, it might not seem like the worst idea ever. But in two months when she’s flatly telling David Letterman about how much you want to marry her, you WILL regret it. No man is safe. The entire human race should feel uneasy until Paris Hilton is either locked up or gets married.

Here are Paris and Nicky leaving My House nightclub while holding hands on Wednesday. Images thanks to WENN.com . Ronaldo is shown leaving after the Hiltons. Images thanks to BauerGriffinOnline.

I’m certainly not the first person to call Paris Hilton a big dirty skank. And I certainly won’t be the last. But with every skanky revelation about the miniature pooch loving heirhead, I lose just a little more respect for her. “How is there any respect to be lost for Paris at this point?” you might logically ask. I have no idea how the hell it works, I just know that I never seem to run out of the ability to respect her less. It doesn’t really make sense when you lay it out in one of those logical, philosophical arguments with As, IVs, and ii. But it’s all there, I guarantee you.

According to the Daily News, Paris has had to once again defend her sexuality. And by that I mean both her promiscuity and her orientation. But now website Hollywoodinterrupted.com (run by a guy who also wrote a book called “Six Degrees of Paris Hilton) claims to have an interview with a woman who says she and Hilton once stripped down to nothing in front of a group of guys in Vegas. The woman, Elizabeth Jawhary, says she and others were paid for it, but never says Paris did it for cash. Apparently, she just did it for the hell of it.

Naturally, Hilton is denying the whole thing.

Paris Hilton finds a lot of things “hot,” but the idea of once taking part in a lesbian sex show is not one of them. For the past six years, the heiress has done her best to prove she’s more than a girl who … well, you know what she did on that sex tape that her skeevy ex-boyfriend sold.

But now, having gone on to a half-dozen movie roles, two books, a CD, and fragrance and footwear lines, she’s fending off the claim of a woman who says she and Paris once stripped for high-rollers in Vegas.

“[Hilton] flew down to Vegas,” Mark Ebner reports Elizabeth Jawhary as saying on HollywoodInterrupted.com. “We partied pretty hard.” According to Jawhary, some Hollywood players would “pay for girl-on-girl action. I’d be there. And they’d pay to watch.”

Jawhary alleges that, on at least one night, Paris joined in. “Paris got naked, and the girls would get naked,” she claims. She says the guys would pay her $5,000 for a private show, though she never saw Paris accept any money, according to Ebner, author of “Six Degrees of Paris Hilton.”

A rep for Hilton tells us that claims that the heiress was involved in any such adventure are “totally untrue and a complete fabrication.” Jawhary, now 30 and living a different life in Texas, couldn’t be reached for comment.

[From the Daily News]

Of course she couldn’t be reached for comment, except to give the salacious quotes for the original story. Funny how that works. Not that I’d ever defend Paris or whatever’s going on between her legs. I doubt there is a single sex act she hasn’t performed. Stripping has got to be nothing for her. Is it really such a stretch to believe that if she’d take it off just for fun with a bunch of other girls, she’d take it off for a wad of $100? Or $1000? Do they make $1000 bills anymore? Okay I know for a fact that they don’t, but if they ever brought the $1000 bill back into circulation, I’d push for Paris’ wonky face to be dead center. Or if she refused to pose for it, maybe some hybrid sketch of Paris morphed with Miss Piggy. Sounds about right.

I think this Mark Ebner sounds totally shady and he’s got a bunch of self-serving gossip going on – and an non-locatable source. That said, it’s Paris. Tell me she starred in a naked underwater sea entertainment show with a manatee and a dead pirate and I’d probably believe it. Really though, the only way to prove the veracity of all this would be to produce some pictures. And frankly, I’d rather just speculate than have to look at something like that.

Here’s Paris shooting a commercial for her new hair products line in Malibu on May 30th. Images thanks to Pacific Coast News.

All the audience sees is the end product, but at any awards shows there is a lot of preparation that goes on behind the curtains. Other than the obvious sets, music, movie clips, and scheduling, producers of the show also have to deal with seating charts for all the stars in the audience. Unfortunately for them, Hollywood has the emotional stability of a high school clique, and figuring out where celebrities are going to watch the awards can be difficult. According to the NY Times, the original seating chart for last night’s MTV Movie Awards was not going to work and they had to sit down and redo the entire thing.

Paris Hilton couldn’t be put anywhere near The Hills cast due to her recent comments; Audrina was also banned from the The Hills seating area because no one on the show likes her, and instead sat with Chris Pine; Whitney Port had to be moved away from Kristen Stewart after insulting her role in Twilight; and Nickelodeon stars Miranda Cosgrove and Keke Palmer had to be kept away from Disney stars like Miley Cyrus because Nickelodeon reps said the Disney stars were too “tainted.”

[A] source who overheard conversations among the event’s producers says MTV had a wild time trying to seat its celebrity guests in the audience.

“A producer looked at the original seating chart and realized the whole thing had to be reworked because so many people in the house hated one another,” laughs our spy. Among the conflicts:

Whitney Port had to be moved away from “Twilight” star Kristen Stewart after producers realized Port once called the movie “really bad” and found Stewart’s role “one-dimensional.”

Port and fellow stars of “The Hills” and “The City” — Lauren Conrad, Stephanie Pratt, Heidi Montag and Brody Jenner — also had to be kept away from Audrina Patridge because, our source claims, a producer was overheard saying that “everyone on the show hated her.” (Patridge will instead sit near “Star Trek” star Chris Pine.) Similarly, Paris Hilton had to be moved away from “The Hills” cast after recently calling the show “so lame and fake” and “cheesy.”

Producers also had to scramble to keep Disney’s talents — namely Miley Cyrus and couple Zac Ephron and Vanessa Hudgens — away from Nickelodeon stars Miranda Cosgrove (“iCarly”) and Keke Palmer (“True, Jackson”) because Nickelodeon’s reps felt that “all the Disney kids are tainted.” (Semi-nude photos of Cyrus appeared in Vanity Fair, while Hudgens came under fire after fully nude photos of her circulated online in 2007.)

“Basically,” laughs our spy, “it sounded like all hell had broken loose trying to fit all these people into one room.” An MTV spokeswoman declined to comment.

[from NY Times]

This is almost as bad as seating for a wedding. Who gets to sit next to crazy Aunt Agnes? And where does Uncle Charlie’s latest fling of the week sit? They probably had to do changes up to the last minute, just before the red carpet opened. But a lot of the complaints seemed minor to me. So Whitney called Kristen Stewart’s acting “one-dimensional.” This is news to no one. Considering that Twilight was the big winner of the night, it also seems no one cares.

If it were up to me, I would purposefully put the feuding stars near each other. We might get some entertaining stories out of it: “Kristen Stewart and Whitney Port have a smackdown”; “Paris and Heidi get into catfight, Spencer screams like a little girl”; “Miley and Vanessa Hudgens teach iCarly star how to use photo feature on her iPhone.”

Photos of feuding stars and starlets VMAs thanks to WENN.com .

Paris Hilton is denying the entirety of the story that was going around this weekend – that she and boyfriend Doug “Budget Ryan Reynolds” Reinhardt were having sex in the bathroom of a private yacht, and Elton John’s husband had them thrown off as a result Paris calls this “a lie” and says she’s sick of the “false rumors” spread by people with “no credibility.” In essence, Paris is saying “I did not have sexual relations with that boat.” No, I jest. She’s really saying “I did not have sex on that boat… but I might have gone down on somebody, I forget. Oh, sparkles!”

Paris Hilton is slamming a new report that she and beau Doug Reinhardt were tossed off David Furnish’s yacht for hooking up in the bathroom.

British papers claimed the heiress was asked to leave after she and Reinhardt were caught in a “compromising position” over the weekend following the Cannes Film Festival.

But on her My Space page Monday, Hilton blogged that the report “is such a lie that it’s a joke!”

“I would never do that,” says the heiress. “It’s so lame that people will just create these crazy stories. I can’t believe the stories people will make up, so gross! I’m so sick of all these false rumors. It’s not fair that writers can get away it. They have no credibility.”

During their Cannes trip, Hilton and Reinhardt definitely packed on the PDA, however. At a bash last week, she was photographed giving him a sexy lap dance.

[From US Weekly]

Oh, who to believe? Paris Hilton has a long history of being delusional, and for being so stupid she thinks we won’t point out when she’s lying. On the other hand, the yacht-sex story might have been too good to be true. Which part rang false? That Paris was having sex on a boat? No. That she was at a private party on a yacht with important people? Stranger things have happened. That she got kicked off when she was “caught” with Doug in the bathroom? That’s the part that seemed weird to me, actually. Is there anyone left in the world who doesn’t get how gross Paris is? Is there anybody who invites her to a party and thinks “Of course she won’t have sex in a bathroom… she’s not that type of girl”? Kicking Paris off a yacht for having bathroom sex is like getting mad a dog for licking his balls. The grossness comes with the territory.

Here are Paris and Doug arriving at the Baroque club in London last night. She really is working the same look over and over again lately. Images thanks to WENN.com .

Why do men still want to date and/or sleep with Paris Hilton? I’ve never really gotten her appeal, but lately she just seems particularly gross to me. Anyway, Paris was in Cannes to promote… herself? To go to parties? To be internationally gross? Paris brought her latest boyfriend, Doug Reinhardt, who really looks like a budget version of Ryan Reynolds, doesn’t he? Only Doug literally looks like he has tumbleweeds rolling through the dark, cavernous space in between his ears.

Paris’s Cannes trip isn’t going as planned, though. It seems no one wants to pay $100,000 to party with her, and she somehow lost her phone. But all’s not lost yet! After most likely losing the digits of every partying famewhore in Hollywood, it seems Paris somehow met David Furnish, Elton John’s husband. David liked the look of Paris (seriously?) and invited her to a private party on a yacht in the South of France. Paris and Doug came on board the yacht, and all hell broke loose. Something about Paris being gross. Shocking:

PARIS Hilton has been giving Cannes the benefit of her singular style – being evicted from a private yacht party after being caught in a toilet entanglement.

Hilton and her boyfriend were kicked off the private yacht party at the Cannes Film Festival after they were caught toilet pashing.

Elton John’s husband David Furnish met Hilton at the hotel and thought it would be a good idea to invite her to a friend’s yacht party.

But Hollyscoop.com reports that things didn’t go as planned. The two were reportedly kicked off a boat after they were caught in the toilets together.

“David met Paris at the Hotel du Cap and invited her to a party on his friend’s yacht,” a source said.

“As soon as Paris arrived she had her tongue down Doug’s throat. Everyone kept saying how inappropriate they were being but Paris didn’t care who was looking…They got so worked up she dragged Doug below deck so they could have some private time. But as they were closing the cubicle door so they could tear into each other, they were caught out. David spotted them and the captain was furious. He kicked them off for unsociable behaviour. Everyone congratulated the captain.”

[From The Melbourne Herald Sun]

So Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt were kicked off a boat for trying to have sex in a bathroom. So, so classy. But, really, what the hell was David Furnish thinking? You invite Paris Hilton and the low-rent Ryan Reynolds onto a yacht, and of course they’re going to act like a**holes. This Cannes trip has probably been one of the bigger disasters of Paris’s international grossness… but we’re still talking about her, aren’t we? And that’s where Paris wins every time. We’re all suckers.

Update: Paris has denied this story is true.

Here are Paris and Doug in Cannes on April 20th. Images thanks to INF Photo.

Paris Hilton has been busy in Cannes going to movie premieres, sticking her tongue down her boyfriend Doug Reinhardt’s throat, and losing her phone. While out partying, Paris misplaced her Blackberry, leading a Daily Mail staffer to point out that her purse was unzipped, and it could have easily been stolen or fallen out. It also led the Daily Mail to quote her in an article saying things like: “Oh, yes, oh, dear I have to keep looking!” I”m guessing the real quote goes something like: “Oh F*CK! I have nothing to pretend to talk into when I get bored and want to look cool! Oh look, something pink and sparkly!”

Paris Hilton went into meltdown just after midnight when she lost her phone.

She told the Daily Mail that she had mislaid her BlackBerry phone, which contained details of her hundreds of celebrity friends.

Looking distraught, she told the Mail: ‘I don’t know where or when it went missing but I know I’ve got to find it’.

She ran into the Eden Roc at the Hotel Du Cap and moved quickly down a flight of stairs to the terrace to see if she had left it on the bar.

After ten minutes she emerged saying: ‘It’s the worst thing that could have happened. It has all my contacts in it and the last thing I want is for it to fall into the wrong hands’.

The Daily Mail then pointed to her clutch purse which was unzipped and it was clear that the phone could have either fallen out of the purse or it was taken.

‘Oh, yes, oh, dear I have to keep looking’ she responded, thanking the Daily Mail for assisting her.

[from Daily Mail]

Whether lost or stolen, I’m sure that whoever finds it will figure out it’s Paris’ and cause havoc. Her phone was hacked in 2005 causing many other celebrities to have to change their phone numbers. This shouldn’t be too much of a hassle for Paris, though. She loses and buys a new phone every two weeks, so she’s used to it.

She is not used to anyone saying “no” however. But that’s exactly what Cannes Film Festival organizers are saying to her. She has been demanding a $100,000 appearance fee to show up to events and be photographed, but they’ve turned down her low, low price. The only place that cares is a club called VIP.

The economic crunch has hit professional party girl Paris Hilton. According to The NY Post’s Page Six, Paris wanted $100,000 from party organizers in Cannes to show up at their events, but P.H.– who is in France for the premiere of her documentary Paris, Not France — was in for a rude awakening when not a single organizer would plop down cash to party with the star.

“No one bit. They aren’t about to pay her. It’s not 2002,” one event producer said. “We think she got some money from the club VIP, but everyone else is running for the hills.”

[from PopCrunch]

Maybe – just maybe – this is the beginning of the end for Paris, and the beginning of a Paris-free world for the rest of us. Here’s my prediction: Paris and Doug get hitched in a huge, over-the-top pink and lace ceremony (with receptions in LA, NY, and London), maybe even adopt a kid (do you really think Paris would want to sacrifice her body for another living being?), and in two years tops, they go through a nasty, bitter divorce that ends in a tell-all by Doug and a teary Paris on Oprah. Then we never see her again. One can only hope.

Paris and Doug are shown in Cannes on 5/18, 5/20 and 5/21/09. Credit: WENN.com

Paris Hilton sure knows how to ingratiate herself to her new neighbors. Boyfriend Doug Reinhardt recently moved into a new place on the same street as Paris’ little sister Nicky. Paris apparently moved in with him, at least according to TMZ. Though it seems to be just Doug’s house, not “their” house. Since moving in, they’ve had a loud, raucous party that resulted in several neighbors’ cars being keyed and egged. Because apparently Paris and Doug’s friends are 13-year-old boys.

To further prove what good neighbors they plan on being, last night Paris and Doug has such a loud screamfest that neighbors had to call the cops. Sounds like this cohabiting thing is going really well for them.

For the second time in less than a week, Paris Hilton turned her new neighborhood upside down — this time cops were called to put an end to a nuclear argument.

It happened at 1 AM this morning. LAPD officers were called to the home of Paris’ BF, Doug Reinhardt. Paris moved in on Monday. Apparently, Paris and Doug had such a screaming argument the neighbors couldn’t sleep.

When cops arrived, we’re told Paris and Doug wouldn’t open the front gate, so they hopped the fence. Paris and Doug opened the door, cops spoke with them and the loud arguing stopped.

A TMZ spy says earlier in the evening, Paris and Doug were at an event in Hollywood and had a pretty intense argument. Apparently, they took it home.

[From TMZ]

What kind, thoughtful souls. Not only do they have no problem with screaming at each other ‘till all hours of the night, but they’re also unwilling to open a gate for police officers in order for them to tell the couple to tone it down. Lest you ever think that Paris Hilton is anything other than 100% about Paris Hilton. If she wants to scream so loudly her neighbors can’t sleep in the middle of the night, that’s her right darn it. How dare you disturb her fight by complaining to the police?

Moving in together does one of two things: cements a relationship or ends it. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you which way this relationship is going.

Here are Paris and Doug at the launch of T-Mobile’s new Sidekick in Hollywood last night. Images thanks to WENN.com and Fame Pictures .

A few nights ago, Paris Hilton and her boyfriend Doug Reinhardt had a little get-together at his place. At around 4 am, Doug’s neighbors called the cops complaining about the noise, and the police broke the party up. The next morning, the neighbors called the police again – this time because their expensive cars had been keyed – including two Bentleys, a Maserati, and a Bugatti Veyron.

Now Paris is following that good old mantra: deny, deny, deny. Her side of the story is that the sound system in the house isn’t even hooked up yet (I suppose to imply that there wasn’t any noise to complain about) and that she and Doug went to bed at 2 a.m. while his friends continued to play poker downstairs. She also claims that she didn’t know what had happened until the next morning, and that her and her sister’s (Nicky lives up the street) cars were egged.

“I had nothing to do with this,” Hilton explained. “We were at Doug’s [Reinhardt, her boyfriend] new house on Monday night, and there were several friends of Doug’s playing poker inside. There is no food in the house, the sound system isn’t even hooked up yet. I would never egg anyone’s car, especially to my boyfriend and sister’s [Nicky Hilton] neighbors. My blue Bentley was egged, and so was Nicky’s Ranger Rover.” Nicky lives up the street from Reinhardt.

A source told RadarOnline.com that the couple went to bed at around 2am as several of Reinhardt’s pals played poker downstairs. Hilton and Reinhardt woke up the next morning and became aware of what had happened. The insider added: “Paris called the police and gave a police report, and despite reports, no one’s car was keyed.”

Many reports pegged the incident to Hilton’s home though she actually lives in a gated estate in Beverly Hills and not in the Hollywood Hills.

[from Radar]

This is one of those situations where it is very difficult to tell who’s telling the truth. Paris is not exactly a pillar of honesty or intelligence, but at the same time she has no reason to deny the story if it happened. She didn’t do anything wrong in the first place. It’s possible that this incident has something to do with the “break-in” that occurred at Lindsay’s place. There have been new reports that it may have been the papparazi’s fault. There was nothing stolen from her home, so it may have just been a vandal – maybe even the same one that egged Paris’ car and possibly keyed the neighbors’.

Interesting to note: Paris never denies that the cops were called. That must have been some poker game.

Here’s Paris and Doug leaving a club on April 27th. Images thanks to Pacific Coast News.

Remember that Funny or Die video Paris Hilton for President? She got a lot of credit for that short, not only for the classy way she retaliated to John McCain’s ad, but also because the script actually had an intelligent energy crisis contingency plan (not that she had anything to do with the writing… but she did pronounce it all correctly).

The US presidental election system has a lot flaws, but we can all be grateful today that it successfully prohibits people like Paris from leading our country. Because she thinks that throwing a party for world leaders would solve the war in the Middle East.

Paris Hilton reckons there’s a peaceful way to end conflict between the US and other countries.

The heiress says she’d make world leaders hit the dance floor, if she were president.

‘[I would] definitely try to make peace with the countries we are fighting,’ Paris, 28, tells Tatler.

‘I’d go over to them and throw a party, so they could all get together and get along and stop the war.’

Paris adds that she’s been ‘helping the economy by doing a lot of shopping’.

[from Now Magazine]

Strobe lights, a frenetic DJ, blow, and plenty of half-naked girls. That sounds like something the Taliban would be delighted to get an invite to.

She also claims that her shopping sprees are merely meant to jump-start the economy. This coming from the woman who ordered $300,000 of Swarovski crystals put onto the dashboard of her Bentley, by a company which had already been shut down by the recesssion in England.

Paris’ concept of how diplomatic relations work aside, it’s funny that she clearly doesn’t realize that she represents everything “evil” about the United States – indulgence, loose morals, etc. I guess you can’t blame her, though. She’s a Hilton. She doesn’t need to think.

Here are Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt leaving ‘My House’ night club last night. Images thanks to WENN.com and Pacific Coast News.

In case you were one of the twelve people who bought into that whole, “Paris Hilton is actually a marketing genius” bit, I’m here to inform you that you, sir, are an idiot. Paris has proven once and for all that she is the stupidest, flakiest imbecile on the planet. Right after those people who believed otherwise. She’s being sued for $8 million for failing to promote her 2006 comedy “Pledge This!” – on which she was a producer.

During her deposition today, Paris said – among other moronic things – that she doesn’t know what a producer does (and apparently has that job mixed up with casting directors), that she loses her cell phone – and buys a new one – every two weeks, that she doesn’t keep a business diary and just Googles herself instead, and that she promoted the movie just fine by telling people every chance she got that it was “hot.”

Case dismissed.

The 28-year-old heiress … was asked by lawyers during a pre-trial hearing in Miami Thursday if she keeps a diary for business meetings. “I just press my name and Google it and see,” she told the court. Asked by lawyers about her calls from the producers, she testified: “With my phone I never know, because I lose it all the time. I probably get a new cellphone, like, every two weeks.”

When shown a copy of her cell phone bill, she replied: “I’ve never seen a phone bill of mine in my life.” Asked what her responsibilities as the film’s executive producer, Hilton told the court, “I’m not sure what a producer does, but – I don’t know, help get cool people in the cast?”

Hilton, who also revealed that she earns $11 million a year, claims she adequately honored her deal to promote the film. “Any chance I got, any red carpet, any press, if I was doing something for another product…I would just bring it up, ‘Oh, my new sorority film, it’s going to be sexy, it’s going to be really hot girls,’” she testified. “Like, I really, you know, did my best.”

A lawyer for Hilton added that the investors made unreasonable and last-minute demands for publicity events because the heiress’ schedule is always fully booked. Said attorney Michael Weinstein: “She’s the single busiest person on the planet.” A trial is scheduled to begin in June.

[From Us Weekly]

You hear that President Obama? Paris Hilton is the single busiest person on the planet! Stop lazing around with your meetings and your summits and start working as hard as Paris! The rest of us should get off our asses too. We are clearly not working as hard as Paris. I’m going to start an epic list of all the hard working people who are still not working as hard as Paris Hilton. Sheesh.

I love how Paris’ whole defense is “I’m an idiot.” She’s got about ten different ways to say it, but that is what she’s saying. Not that anyone was doubting that. I love that she was a producer and doesn’t know what a producer does. That goes to show you what a vanity title that can be.

I don’t remember hearing much about this film, so I’m guessing it’s safe to say Paris didn’t promote it properly. It’s also safe to say it was crap and that’s the bigger reason it’s hardly memorable. Only so much of that is Paris’ fault. And really – they were resting all their hopes of a successful film on someone who Googles herself instead of keeping a business diary? Good luck.

Here’s Paris at the Kennedy Center Spring Gala on May 3rd in Washington D.C. Images thanks to WENN.com .