Paris Hilton is proving once again that she has a near endless ability to spin any news into good news. Following revelations that her lazy left eye is the result of a botched eye lift the heiress has cut a deal with The Spinach Growers of America (SGA) to appear as their new Paris ‘Popeye” Hilton Spokesperson. That ain’t just spin … it’s a salad spinner.

Miss Hilton has controversially refused to follow Doctor’s advice and cease her near constant use of the zombie blue contact lenses, which are reportedly aggravating her condition. One source close to her medical team reports: “That eye has been drooping like the backend of a lazy hound dawg for years … let me tell you … she keeps up like this — that dawg won’t hunt much longer!”

But in yet another example of Hilton hubris turned savvy Paris has transformed her permanent wink from a medical problem to a financial asset. “Popeye” Hilton will be launching a multi-media, vitamin rich, international advertising campaign to bring Spinach back from it’s recent troubles with E. Coli — which recently killed one and sickened 187 other spinach eating unfortunates .

Feeling uneasy about their industry’s future, and not knowing what it might take to win back public confidence. The SGA was thrilled to hit upon the Parisian solution.

“Nowadays when the public thinks Spinach they think fecal-matter borne, deadly bacteria — with Paris as our spokesperson we have turned that into a positive. Everyone knows she’s America’s number one Petri dish and all the more popular for it.” said SGA Media rep Alice Goon ‘” and given that our previous Popeye was a Sailorman we look forward to Leno, Letterman and Stewart doing endless seamen jokes.”

Holy Moly Blind Item

George Clooney and The Ties that Blind

Dateline London: George Clooney at the Tradesman’s Entrance

Following the lead of top UK publication Holy Moly — Vanity Fair, in an unprecedented editorial move, decided its November cover and indeed the entire issue had become irrelevant. The late breaking Clooney News meant it all had to be re-done — regardless of cost or timing. In a move that has stunned the the publishing world Vanity Fair Editor Graydon Carter has pulled all issues of their November Magazine featuring George Clooney on the cover.

The November issue was already available on newstands in L.A. and N.Y.C. as of October 5th — and was scheduled for release elsewhere in the U.S on October 10 … but STOP THE PRESSES. Vanity Fair trucks have been collecting unsold issues for pulping and bird cage lining … and Newstands across the country are on Standby for delivery of the Emergency re-edit.

We spoke to one Upen Piggybhai Patel at New York’s Grand Central Station … where he has been a newspaper and fine publications vendor for over thirty years.

“I first came to know about Graydon’s fixation for relevancy and very nowness from his mother, but still when I hear this recall tamasha I thought he has decided to pull a fast one. Scandal comes and goes … why make such a fuss.

“I mean he signed one after another big banner film stars for his covers and never recalled previously. He has always held Clooneybhai in the highest esteem. He was always looking forward to working with him.”

The shocking news of Clooney’s Ride down the Perilous Hutchence Highway fully banalized the original articles.

Even such formerly fascinating information as the Clooney-esque take on prostitution:

“I’d never seen a hooker in my life, coming from Kentucky and all these girls came up to the car and were like, ‘Baby, want to party? You want to party with me?’ And I was like, ‘Girls love me, man! I ‘m on fire in this town! I should have come here a long time ago! Chicks dig me!’ And Miguel goes, ‘They’re hookers, you idiot.”

Became patently absurd as wastes of glossy page space.

The homo-chic tweak of his manly Georgian views on the hotness that is Clive Owen:

“(He is) the big find in the past two or three years. I think he’s a movie star. He’s, like, a man - there’s a sexuality and a masculinity that I think is really interesting.”

These cologne scented observations — even while nestled between high end folded fragrance samples — now had the resonance and relevance of a breaking story on John Kerry’s Botox use.

What will Graydon bring Forth … now that we all know ?? How will Vanity Fair handle the substantive issues raised by this very contemporary tale of ties that bind? How will Dominic Dunne manage to name-drop while auto-asphyxiating ?

Vanity Fair’s readers worldwide are poised by their mailboxes.

You lucky buggers get to see it here first.

This post was originally published on Grumpy Old Indian Man, and is republished here under a content share agreement. If you would like to link it, please link directly to Grumpy Old Indian Man’s blog.

Hot on the stripper heels of their wildly popular S&M photoshoot for Flaunt Magazine. Scarlett Johansson and Dita Von Teese have decided to give the dirty, old world more of the sort of bounteous charms that the world so seems to love.

The two will be portraying the sexy, soapy, sixteenth century d’Estree sisters — famous in France for their incesty bathtub antics.

Thats right hardly ever Naked Nude Scarlett Johansson combined with almost always Naked Nude Dita Von Teese … in a French Bathtub Frolic. This year Halloween is being held in The Candy Factory, Bill Gates is covering Santa’s Shopping overhead and George Clooney really does want to marry you.

The upcoming film “Mémoires secrets de Gabrielle d’Estrée” (The Secret Memoirs of Gabrielle d’Estrée) will be based on the 16th century diary of King Henry IV ’s mistress and directed by Sophia Coppola — Hollywood’s current go to gal for frothy royal romps.

Speaking eponymously to a grumpy reporter — the much lauded Coppola said, ‘ I’ve been rather disappointed with the lukewarm reception for my Marie Antoinette (starring Kirsten Dunst) — and the inevitable conclusion I’ve drawn is that the snaggle tooth did me in. When casting blondes … you should go for interesting cleaavage not interesting dental presentation.

” I had thought of the Dunst snaggle-tooth as a bit of a dodge around the Hapsburg chin question… quirky but still attractive, but I see now that if you are going to direct a bodice ripper … its best to fill that bodice till its cup runneth over.

And when I think of Bodice cups running over …. I think of Scarlett Johansson!”

SoCo you are not alone in that thought process.

Miss Scarlett herself has famously referred to the generous bodice fillers as ‘My Girls’ and confessed her pleasure in taking the girls out for a stroll down the red carpet. Now in combination with Coppola and Von Teese … its Girl Power Redux.

“Im looking forward to working with Dita, ” continued Coppola, ” She has that terriffic old-fashionedy feeling– so great for historical movies — what with the vintage outfits and retro-hair. She’s like Debi Mazar without the accent –and of course usually without the clothes.”

This post was originally published on Grumpy Old Indian Man, and is republished here under a content share agreement. If you would like to link it, please link directly to Grumpy Old Indian Man’s blog.