The top five American Idol contestants had two songs each last night and since time was tight the judges were told to quickly comment to each singer after they all had a chance to perform their first song. Randy, Paula and Simon were supposed to give critiques based on their notes. Randy quickly gave his standard “it was just OK for me” and went down the line. Paula proceeded to tell the first contestant, Jason Castro, that she loved his first song, but that his second song was “empty” and that the two songs made her feel like wasn’t “fighting hard enough to get into the top four.”

Paula’s excuse doesn’t make sense
Paula claimed that she got confused and thought that the next song by David Cook was actually Castro’s second.

Then Ryan said “You’re seeing the future, baby” and turned to Simon. Simon tried to help Paula by asking who her favorite singer was, and she said David Cook.

Now if Cook was her favorite singer, then it doesn’t make sense that she confused her notes for his song with Jason Castro’s second song that he didn’t do yet, since she said she didn’t like Castro’s second song.

All of this either suggests that Paula was so addled she didn’t understand even her own notes, which is entirely possible given her usual mental state, or that someone prepared those notes for her ahead of time before the contestants were able to do their second performance. In that case those notes were not Paula’s own thoughts and must have been based on how Cook sounded in rehearsals. It makes you wonder if producers have an agenda for who will win the show and are influencing judge’s responses.

Paula seemed pretty clear-headed to me, so it strikes me as more likely that someone else wrote those notes for her.

There have been some other minor controversies with the show. It came out two years ago that parts of “live” shows were taped, and this season has met with allegations that contestants are too professional At least 3 of the top 12 had former record deals before their Idol appearances. 16 year-old David Archuleta, who some consider the front runner, won “Star Search” when he was 12.

Thanks to The Huffington Post for helping immensely with this explanation.

Paula Abdul was on Letterman last night and she didn’t look or act too sober at first, but then perked up at the end of the interview. She was funny in that drunk party guest kind of way. Letterman asked her if she enjoyed her Superbowl performance, and she said she enjoyed it but rolled her eyes. When he asked her if she was having on good time on American Idol every night she said no, and then he asked her if she was drunk:

How was that, [your Superbowl performance] that’s like a big thing. That must have been scary, all those folks and stuff, eh?
It’s a huge thing, and coming back on again - no one knew I was coming on again with Randy Jackson. I came out with Randy Jackson [audience laughs] Who knew that…?
Did you enjoy the Superbowl Experience?
It was an amazing experience. Whatever.
What do you mean whatever?
Yeah, it’s great. Fantastic.
You still get excited about doing that American Idol show every night?
No [shakes head]
I know you’re just teasing, aren’t you?
No [both laugh]
Are you drunk? Are you?
[points at Letterman] That’s - not - true. No. I actually am thrilled about doing American Idol.

[Transcribed from video of Paula Abdul’s appearance on David Letterman on 3/10/08, clip below]

Then Paula explained that the weird stuff she says on American Idol is actually due to Simon whispering odd suggestions in her ear. She brought up the moth and melon ball comment, and I remember that one, and then she made an hysterical dig at Randy Jackson, calling him “Dude dog dude”

The guy - the mean guy, Simon, now he sometimes, I noticed this… he sometimes has done something to cause a dynamic that makes you distracted. Am I right about that?
What a revelation! You’re very keen. Yeah, it’s finally coming out… Just last week, Brooke sang “Love is a Battlefield,” and he was whispering in my ear during the commercial break ‘You know Paula, Love is a Battlefield was a yogurt commercial”
And I said “Really? That’s great Simon.” Then… we’re on. “Say say, ‘It was a yogurt commercial…’”
Then, we’re live and Ryan says “What is this a therapy session? What is he saying?”
I said, you really want to know? He was laughing hysterically… I said oh relevant things, what he used to say to me “The moth in a melon ball [unintelligible] in a wonton win”
Now everyone knows he whispers in my ear crazy stuff. And he was busted so he’s all [laughing like Simon evilly]
What you could do is report him. There must be someone at the show you could talk to…
Whom? Dude dog dude to the right of me? I don’t think so.

[Transcribed from video of Paula Abdul’s appearance on David Letterman on 3/10/08, clip below]

Paula Abdul on Letterman, Part 1

After the break she told a story about a woman who took a picture of her over the top of a bathroom stall. She got kind of confused after telling that story, and made an awkward transition into a story about how she lost a urine specimen at the gynecologist’s office and a little old lady who worked there had to admit she stole it for her son. At that point Paul Schaeffer jumps in and is like “No! No! Her Son? What was he going to do with it?” Letterman asked her if everything went ok at her checkup and she said it did.

I’ve often wondered why this woman has a career on television and I think the reason is that’s she’s funny. She may slur her words a bit and her mind is somewhat addled from whatever medication she’s on, but if you pay enough attention she makes sense.

Paula Abdul on Letterman, Part 2

Remember how everyone was getting those terrible helmet bangs about a year and a half ago and how Janet Jackson popularized it? My hairdresser had a big poster up from Jose Eber featuring that style, and when I asked him about it he just shook his head and said he hoped it would pass.

The severe bangs were flipped to the side until they slowly grew out to make way for more classic hair trends, but now they’re back again in all their forehead-blocking glory. I blame Katie Holmes for bringing back this questionable style. She manages to pull off a severe interpretation of her daughter’s bowl cut, but only because she has either naturally thin straight hair or enough volume has been taken out of her hair to make it flat and sleek. In my opinion this style just doesn’t work with thicker hair and looks silly.

Here are some celebrities who work it, and others who just should flip it to the side and wait for the trend to pass. Rather than group them according to my opinion, I’ll just post the photos and let you discuss. I don’t think this style works with hair that isn’t straight and thin, but you may disagree.

It’s just hair. It will grow out eventually and can be styled to compensate, but unlike a bad outfit you can’t just switch it for something else the next day without some effort.

Shown are Katie Holmes, Heidi Klum, Kate Hudson, Christina Ricci, Elle Macpherson, Selma Blair, Kylie Minogue, Kelis, Paula Abdul in a messy interpretation of the style, Rihanna, Myleene Klass, and Janet Jackson.

I was less than impressed (but not really surprised) by Paula Abdul’s pre-Superbowl performance yesterday. What really surprised me was how many people were annoyed and disappointed that she lip synched her new song, “Dance Like There‘s no Tomorrow.” I generally expect that if there’s any significant dancing, the singer probably isn’t really singing. And her old songs - while fun - never exactly sounded like her natural voice to me. It always sounded like she was getting some digital help, like about a billion other singers. Supposedly former pop stars Britney Spears and Nsync never lip-synched through their tough performances back in the day. I can’t vouch for Britney Spears, but there’s an oh-so-slight chance that I caught an Nsync concert or two back in the day. You know, out of pity for younger friends. They huffed and puffed into their microphones enough that I will consider the possibility that they did really sing. But Paula Abdul hasn’t been trudging through two hour performances three times a week for months on end. I doubt her body would be up to it. The fact that she was able to still dance like that is pretty incredible.

Paula Abdul gave Britney Spears a run for her money during a shocking half-time performance at this years Super Bowl.

Visibly lip-synching, the American Idol judge looking sufficiently awkward in her what can only be described as a cringe worthy attempt to reclaim her 90s pop star fame.

Fellow idol judge Randy Jackson joined the now 45-year-old Abdul on stage - playing bass in her latest song, Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow.

[From Entertainmentwise]

One thing to consider when you’re most famous for judging others is that people are going to be pretty harsh on you. And though Paula is generally the most charitable critic on American Idol, people are going to expect that she jumps high over the bar she sets for everyone else. I thought everything about her performance was fine - it just wasn’t spectacular. Or even interesting. “Dance Like There‘s no Tomorrow” - which was produced by fellow “American Idol” judge Randy Jackson - pretty much sounds like all of Paula’s older songs. She wasn’t trying to come out with a new sound - and sampling “Forever Your Girl” at the beginning of the performance didn’t help. I would guess that if her new single gets any airplay, it’ll be more due to the novelty factor that anything else.

Picture Note by JayBird: Images thanks to Splash.

Paula Abdul is reportedly consulting with a professional matchmaker because she is in search of a wealthy man who is interested in marriage. Star magazine says that although Paula is having fun with her younger boyfriend, J.T. Torregani, she will never marry him because “he’s too young and doesn’t have enough money for her.”

Paula Abdul has been dating the 32-year-old restaurateur J.T Torregani for the past nine months, but the American Idol judge is keeping her options open. Star has learned exclusively that the former pop singer has asked a top-notch matchmaker to set her up with a “really rich man who can take care of me forever.” Paula’s goal is to be able to leave her hit reality show in two years, says the source. “She likes hanging out with J.T.-she thinks he’s hot! -but he’s just there to pass the time with. She has her eye out for Mr. Money.”

The twice divorced, 45-year-old is limiting her search to men “worth in the tens of millions,” adds the source. “A guy with $5 million in the bank and a $600,000 Porsche doesn’t cut it.” This isn’t the first time Paula’s used a matchmaker: she met ex-boyfriend Colton Melby through a dating service.

[From Star Magazine, print edition, February 4, 2008]

The idea of Paula leaving American Idol in two years sounds good to me. On last night’s broadcast, she was absolutely wasted! At various points in the auditions episode filmed in Omaha, Nebraska, she showed up hours late, crawled up on the table, slurred her words and even fell asleep. Maybe she is looking for a rich husband to foot the bill for all those pills she takes?

Paula might have some luck finding a rich young athlete to wed this weekend, if she performs at the Super Bowl, which is the current rumor. Though it hasn’t been confirmed, sources say Paula will be performing her new single, “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow,” in a pre-taped segment during Fox’s Super Bowl half-time show. Randy Jackson co-produced the single, plays bass on the track and even appears in the music video:

Is it just idle rumors, or is “the nice judge” really in talks to join Tom Petty and perform at Super Bowl XLII on February 3? It certainly looks like Paula Abdul may just put on her dancing shoes and try to show Mr. Simon Cowell that she really can sing … and dance. Adding credence to the rumors are the facts that the Super Bowl is on FOX this year, and that Abdul is supposedly already working on the video for her duet with fellow judge Randy Jackson from his upcoming Music Club Vol. 1 album.

[From TV Squad]

If it’s true, I’m predicting right now that Paula will be completely loopy, and give a performance that eclipses Britney Spears’ MTV VMA fiasco.

Paula Abdul has a long history of acting like a complete whack job. And then blaming it all on her pain meds. That excuse only goes so far. It can technically explain you acting loopy and drunk on a Seattle morning news show, even if no one buys it. It can’t explain you sounding like you swallowed a poltergeist. Paula Abdul was waiting at LAX (the airport, not the super-hip nightclub) when she went on some sort of psychotic bender according to passengers.

Paula Abdul, the braying, oft-drunk judge of landmark cultural institution American Idol, caused quite the scene at LAX over the holidays, according to a source. Says a tipster who saw her in the Continental Airlines terminal: “She had an insane nervous breakdown that lasted 10 minutes. One minute she was hyperventilating and on the verge of passing out; the next she was yelling into her cell phone in this deep, rage-filled Poltergeist voice. She kept screaming three names over and over—Michael, Sidney, and Leslie. Everyone was staring at her, but she didn’t care.”

There were no cameras around, so she wasn’t filming a scene for her train wreck reality show on Bravo. Still, hysterical outbursts aren’t exactly new territory for Abdul. Anyone have an idea what prompted this one? Or who Michael, Sidney, and Leslie might be? Let us know!

[From Radaronline]

I haven’t actually seen her reality show “Hey Paula” but I know there was some debate regarding whether she was really crazy or just playing it up for the cameras. Until this most recent incident, Paula did always seem way too cheerful when she was acting all straightjacket-worthy. If this were almost anyone other than Paula Abdul, I’d be skeptical as to the veracity of the story. But it is Paula Abdul, and she’s eight kinds of crazy. You could tell me she scampered up a palm tree in the middle of Sunset Boulevard and I would absolutely believe it. In fact I’m kind of surprised she hasn’t done that yet. But give it until the end of the month, I’m sure Paula will start speaking in tongues and scamper up some kind of tree to gnaw on the foliage by then.

Some things are just really, really good ideas. Like the classics: peanut butter and chocolate, or peanut butter and jelly, or peanut butter and bananas. Man I want peanut butter. Or in Paula Abdul’s case, Vicodin and alcohol. You know what doesn’t go together well? Paula Abdul and babies. Why? Because of all the Vicodin and alcohol. Is that stopping the insatiable train wreck that is Ms. Abdul? Nope. Paula tells “USA Today” that having a baby in the next two years is her biggest goal. At 45, I’m guessing she’s going to need a little assistance, though you never know. Paula’s boyfriend of only five months is also on board. I’m guessing that has a little more to do with a percentage of her “American Idol” paycheck than it does with any particular love for Paula.

“Paul Abdul’s hormones aren’t running on idle – the American Idol judge wants a baby. ‘That’s the next step in my life,’ the 45-year-old tells USA Today. ‘Definitely within the next two years. I thought by now I’d have three grown children.’ Age is not a factor, either, given fertility options. ‘With modern medicine, people are having kids in their 40s and even up until their late 40s. In their 50s, they’re having their second child,’ she says. ‘If it doesn’t happen naturally like that, I would always consider adopting.’

“Restaurateur J.T. Torregiani, 32, Abdul’s boyfriend of five months, would likely be the proud papa. ‘He’s a sweetie pie,’ Abdul says of the Sicilian, whom she met when he introduced himself to her after a taping of her show in April. ‘He’s a positive force that has come into my life right now. Where it leads, who knows?’ As for her fellow judge, Simon Cowell, assessing the new man in her life, Abdul quotes the sharp-tongued one as saying: ‘He’s a great, normal guy – why does he like you?’

“Others approve of Torregiani, too. ‘My chunky dog, Tulip, is in love with him. He pays so much attention to her that she thinks she’s the queen,’ says Abdul, who’s already been with her beau to London and plans to go with him to Italy. When it came to her Idol costars, however, ‘I was so adamant about not letting Simon or Randy [Jackson] or Ryan [Seacrest] know – and that was a good thing,’ she says.

“Asked if she were in love, Abdul (who had two brief marriages in the 1990s, to Emilio Estevez and Brad Beckerman) responds with a smile: ‘I’m in a good place in my heart. He’s like my best friend.’”

[From People]

Oh man, that melts my cold, pessimistic heart. Actually it does, which bothers me. It sounds like she’s genuinely happy, but not pinning all her hopes on one guy. Well, all her hopes for marriage at least, it seems pretty clear that she’s pinning all her hopes for sperm on the one guy. But that’s alright, I forgive you Paula. Speaking of fertility, Paula has some major medical issues to grapple with. I’m not sure if they could affect her ability to conceive, but they could affect her ability to parent well. She suffers from reflex sympathetic dystrophy, which is a type of Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. It sounds really miserable, defined by “chronic progressive disease characterized by severe pain, swelling and changes in the skin.” Supposedly this accounts for a good deal of Paula’s often erratic, bizarre behavior – she’s a bit loopy from the pain, and/or loopy from the medicine she must take for the pain. Which definitely means we (I) shouldn’t make fun of her. Though a lot of people have alleged that the real problem lays in the belief that Paula is combining some pretty serious painkillers with alcohol, and that’s what’s actually making her loopy. Before the issues with her appearing so out of it, Paula came off as pretty sweet, kind, and nurturing – all things that would make a great parent. Hopefully she can get her medical and/or other issues under control, and have a baby when she wants to.

Megahit producer Timbaland hints at a rift with Britney in a new interview with MTV. He says he would work with her again,but only if she apologizes. He won’t say what happened, just that “She knows what she’s sorry about.”

He says Britney doesn’t have a comeback story yet, that she hasn’t really let enough people help her and has royally screwed herself by trying to go it alone. It sounds to me like she told him she didn’t need his help and wasn’t nice about it.

Now Timbo has even more advice to give her about getting her career back on track. “She needs a story,” he said. “She has no comeback story. That’s the problem. She has to have a team. She needs to come back with Justin doing records; [then we’d see headlines like,] ‘She went back to her ex and she’s making smashes.’ [But instead she got] so big-headed and [was] like, ‘Screw you, screw you, I don’t need nobody.’ ”

So is there any chance for Spears to rectify the situation and possibly work with Timberlake and Timbaland? Yes, says the super-producer — if she apologizes.

“She should humble herself and make a phone call and say, ‘I’m sorry.’ She knows what she’s sorry about,” Tim said. “She needs to say, ‘I was wrong,’ and it’ll definitely move forward. … That’s all she has to say.”

[MTV.com via WeSmirch]

That’s good of the guy to say he’ll work with her, but he knows that Britney will make him a lot of money so it’s not like it’s all about charity.

Meanwhile the American Idol judges say they want to help Britney too. Yesterday Simon was talking smack about her, but today they’re extending a hand to get some free publicity:

“We have decided we can bring Britney back,” the normally caustic Cowell confirmed. “We are serious. We plan to buy her underpants, get her bigger shorts to perform in and get her away from her stupid friends.”

[Fox News]

That’s nice that they’re not telling her to work out, and are just talking about covering up properly. Of course Cowell outlined his comeback program for Britney yesterday and it involved hitting the gym, so it sounds like he lightened up a little when giving Brit this public appeal that she’s never going to take.

Britney is said to have stayed out until 6am the night before the VMAs, not 4am as was previously reported. Those extra two hours of sleep wouldn’t have made her able to magically dance and lipsynch properly, though.

And in related unsurprising news, her abs were tan airbrushed on before her VMA performance. I find it hard to believe she even let someone airbrush them on, considering how over-confident she was in her appearance. I imagine her saying “Ma stomach looks gud. Don’t point that gun at me.” I was wondering how she looked so cut with a normal stomach, but it didn’t occur to me that her abs were painted on. Someone did a good job, unlike Britney.

Britney is shown outside her lawyer’s office yesterday, where she had a four hour meeting with K-Fed which was said to be about custody of their boys. Thanks to Splash News for these pictures.

I hate American Idol. Fortunately, the country I live in isn’t a fan either, so last year’s NZ Idol winner didn’t even get a recording contract, just a car. Which was probably more useful to them, since no one was going to buy that album anyway. Then all the rejects from the previous two series, from when NZ Idol way in its heyday, got together and fought it out for $50,000. Unfortunately it wasn’t a Gladiator-style fight.

Anyway, it seems American Idol might finally have sucked the talent out of the pool, and is scraping the mildew at the bottom, according to Ryan Seacrest.

TMZ cameras caught the “Idol” host before his jog outside the Mandarin Oriental Hotel in NYC on Sunday — sporting an iPod and an inconspicuous Ed Hardy hat. When asked about the upcoming season of the juggernaut that is “American Idol,” Ryan said they “weren’t great … for 20,000 people, we only found a few good ones.” Is that a change?

TMZ

Actually, the bad auditions are the best part, so maybe things are looking up for the show.

Another sign American Idol is on the way out – low ticket sales for its Idols Live shows.

Reports of attendance and gross receipts for the first 30 of the 57 shows scheduled for the tour, as recorded by Billboard Boxscore, show this year’s crop of 10 Idol finalists is falling short of last year’s concert performance.

No sellouts were reported for the first 30 shows, and only one topped the 93% of capacity mark. (That was the show in Glendale, Ariz., Idol winner Jordin Sparks’ home turf.) Of the 2006 tour’s first 30 shows, 17 were sellouts and another 10 exceeded 93% of capacity.

Nearly half (14) of the shows were below 60% of capacity. (Lowest was 38.9% in Birmingham, Ala., hometown of 2006 winner Taylor Hicks and 2003 champ Ruben Studdard.) In 2006, the lowest-capacity figure in the first 30 shows was 89.3%.

The 2006 tour was the most successful to date, but 2005’s was a lot healthier than the current version. Of the first 29 dates of 2005, 11 were sellouts and four more topped 93%.

USA Today

What will happen if the whole enterprise shuts down? How will record companies find talent? What will Paula Abdul do for a living?

American Idol is back in full force, and the best of the worst are paraded out and ridiculed for your gawking pleasure. The clueless, attention-seekers, and people who are a little bit touched wait days for the priviledge of being mocked by Simon and slurred at with pity by Paula. Randy usually waits to hear what Paula or Simon says and then repeats it, as if he’s playing the children’s game of the same name but doesn’t quite get the rules.

Judges are under fire for being exceptionally cruel to bad contestants this year. Simon called one kid who was a little slow a “bush baby,” saying “you look like one of those creatures that live in the jungle with those massive eyes.” The kid handled it really well, staying positive and telling Simon “that’s your opinion, you’re entitled to it.” The NY Times notes that the guy the fat guy, not this guy is mentally handicapped, because his old school biography lists him as participating in the Special Olympics.

Producers say people know what they’re in for because they pull this shit every season, and the viewers love it. Simon sort-of apologized in a later statement, saying “.. If he’s offended, then I apologize. I might never call anyone a bush baby again.”

Here’s another audition by a Utah computer programmer who takes himself too seriously:

My favorite comment on this video on YouTube was by akaso405, who said “How come nobody ever knows when they suck balls???”

Rosie O’Donnell added her enlightened commentary to the American Idol controversy, (link leads to video) saying “Isn’t that what America thinks is entertainment? To make fun of someone’s physical apperance, and when they leave the room, laugh hysterically at them? Three millionaires, one probably intoxicated?”

“Ever since they started making fun of that guy… William Hung… If you keep serving people crap and telling them that it’s a meal, they’re eventually going to think that it’s a meal.”

She has a point that it’s cruel. Joy Behar said “This is like the new freak show… there’s an appetite for this.” Rosie said that if they put on good singers and showed all the contestants who almost made it that people would watch it too. Maybe they’re aren’t enough decent singers that don’t get picked in the first round, though.

While they shouldn’t make fun of the way people look, it seems well within their rights to make fun of the way they sing, since it’s a singing contest and all. There is such a thing as junk food entertainment. We proudly serve it, and think it’s a metaphor Rosie should be able to understand.

Viewers are eating it up. This season’s premiere was the most-watched show on Fox in six years, with over 37 million people tuning in.

Header picture from ONTD

Update: thanks to everyone who pointed out that it was the fat guy, not this bush baby guy, who is listed as mentally handicapped on his school bio.