Paula Abdul has a long history of acting like a complete whack job. And then blaming it all on her pain meds. That excuse only goes so far. It can technically explain you acting loopy and drunk on a Seattle morning news show, even if no one buys it. It can’t explain you sounding like you swallowed a poltergeist. Paula Abdul was waiting at LAX (the airport, not the super-hip nightclub) when she went on some sort of psychotic bender according to passengers.

Paula Abdul, the braying, oft-drunk judge of landmark cultural institution American Idol, caused quite the scene at LAX over the holidays, according to a source. Says a tipster who saw her in the Continental Airlines terminal: “She had an insane nervous breakdown that lasted 10 minutes. One minute she was hyperventilating and on the verge of passing out; the next she was yelling into her cell phone in this deep, rage-filled Poltergeist voice. She kept screaming three names over and over—Michael, Sidney, and Leslie. Everyone was staring at her, but she didn’t care.”

There were no cameras around, so she wasn’t filming a scene for her train wreck reality show on Bravo. Still, hysterical outbursts aren’t exactly new territory for Abdul. Anyone have an idea what prompted this one? Or who Michael, Sidney, and Leslie might be? Let us know!

[From Radaronline]

I haven’t actually seen her reality show “Hey Paula” but I know there was some debate regarding whether she was really crazy or just playing it up for the cameras. Until this most recent incident, Paula did always seem way too cheerful when she was acting all straightjacket-worthy. If this were almost anyone other than Paula Abdul, I’d be skeptical as to the veracity of the story. But it is Paula Abdul, and she’s eight kinds of crazy. You could tell me she scampered up a palm tree in the middle of Sunset Boulevard and I would absolutely believe it. In fact I’m kind of surprised she hasn’t done that yet. But give it until the end of the month, I’m sure Paula will start speaking in tongues and scamper up some kind of tree to gnaw on the foliage by then.

Some things are just really, really good ideas. Like the classics: peanut butter and chocolate, or peanut butter and jelly, or peanut butter and bananas. Man I want peanut butter. Or in Paula Abdul’s case, Vicodin and alcohol. You know what doesn’t go together well? Paula Abdul and babies. Why? Because of all the Vicodin and alcohol. Is that stopping the insatiable train wreck that is Ms. Abdul? Nope. Paula tells “USA Today” that having a baby in the next two years is her biggest goal. At 45, I’m guessing she’s going to need a little assistance, though you never know. Paula’s boyfriend of only five months is also on board. I’m guessing that has a little more to do with a percentage of her “American Idol” paycheck than it does with any particular love for Paula.

“Paul Abdul’s hormones aren’t running on idle – the American Idol judge wants a baby. ‘That’s the next step in my life,’ the 45-year-old tells USA Today. ‘Definitely within the next two years. I thought by now I’d have three grown children.’ Age is not a factor, either, given fertility options. ‘With modern medicine, people are having kids in their 40s and even up until their late 40s. In their 50s, they’re having their second child,’ she says. ‘If it doesn’t happen naturally like that, I would always consider adopting.’

“Restaurateur J.T. Torregiani, 32, Abdul’s boyfriend of five months, would likely be the proud papa. ‘He’s a sweetie pie,’ Abdul says of the Sicilian, whom she met when he introduced himself to her after a taping of her show in April. ‘He’s a positive force that has come into my life right now. Where it leads, who knows?’ As for her fellow judge, Simon Cowell, assessing the new man in her life, Abdul quotes the sharp-tongued one as saying: ‘He’s a great, normal guy – why does he like you?’

“Others approve of Torregiani, too. ‘My chunky dog, Tulip, is in love with him. He pays so much attention to her that she thinks she’s the queen,’ says Abdul, who’s already been with her beau to London and plans to go with him to Italy. When it came to her Idol costars, however, ‘I was so adamant about not letting Simon or Randy [Jackson] or Ryan [Seacrest] know – and that was a good thing,’ she says.

“Asked if she were in love, Abdul (who had two brief marriages in the 1990s, to Emilio Estevez and Brad Beckerman) responds with a smile: ‘I’m in a good place in my heart. He’s like my best friend.’”

[From People]

Oh man, that melts my cold, pessimistic heart. Actually it does, which bothers me. It sounds like she’s genuinely happy, but not pinning all her hopes on one guy. Well, all her hopes for marriage at least, it seems pretty clear that she’s pinning all her hopes for sperm on the one guy. But that’s alright, I forgive you Paula. Speaking of fertility, Paula has some major medical issues to grapple with. I’m not sure if they could affect her ability to conceive, but they could affect her ability to parent well. She suffers from reflex sympathetic dystrophy, which is a type of Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. It sounds really miserable, defined by “chronic progressive disease characterized by severe pain, swelling and changes in the skin.” Supposedly this accounts for a good deal of Paula’s often erratic, bizarre behavior – she’s a bit loopy from the pain, and/or loopy from the medicine she must take for the pain. Which definitely means we (I) shouldn’t make fun of her. Though a lot of people have alleged that the real problem lays in the belief that Paula is combining some pretty serious painkillers with alcohol, and that’s what’s actually making her loopy. Before the issues with her appearing so out of it, Paula came off as pretty sweet, kind, and nurturing – all things that would make a great parent. Hopefully she can get her medical and/or other issues under control, and have a baby when she wants to.

Megahit producer Timbaland hints at a rift with Britney in a new interview with MTV. He says he would work with her again,but only if she apologizes. He won’t say what happened, just that “She knows what she’s sorry about.”

He says Britney doesn’t have a comeback story yet, that she hasn’t really let enough people help her and has royally screwed herself by trying to go it alone. It sounds to me like she told him she didn’t need his help and wasn’t nice about it.

Now Timbo has even more advice to give her about getting her career back on track. “She needs a story,” he said. “She has no comeback story. That’s the problem. She has to have a team. She needs to come back with Justin doing records; [then we'd see headlines like,] ‘She went back to her ex and she’s making smashes.’ [But instead she got] so big-headed and [was] like, ‘Screw you, screw you, I don’t need nobody.’ ”

So is there any chance for Spears to rectify the situation and possibly work with Timberlake and Timbaland? Yes, says the super-producer — if she apologizes.

“She should humble herself and make a phone call and say, ‘I’m sorry.’ She knows what she’s sorry about,” Tim said. “She needs to say, ‘I was wrong,’ and it’ll definitely move forward. … That’s all she has to say.”

[MTV.com via WeSmirch]

That’s good of the guy to say he’ll work with her, but he knows that Britney will make him a lot of money so it’s not like it’s all about charity.

Meanwhile the American Idol judges say they want to help Britney too. Yesterday Simon was talking smack about her, but today they’re extending a hand to get some free publicity:

“We have decided we can bring Britney back,” the normally caustic Cowell confirmed. “We are serious. We plan to buy her underpants, get her bigger shorts to perform in and get her away from her stupid friends.”

[Fox News]

That’s nice that they’re not telling her to work out, and are just talking about covering up properly. Of course Cowell outlined his comeback program for Britney yesterday and it involved hitting the gym, so it sounds like he lightened up a little when giving Brit this public appeal that she’s never going to take.

Britney is said to have stayed out until 6am the night before the VMAs, not 4am as was previously reported. Those extra two hours of sleep wouldn’t have made her able to magically dance and lipsynch properly, though.

And in related unsurprising news, her abs were tan airbrushed on before her VMA performance. I find it hard to believe she even let someone airbrush them on, considering how over-confident she was in her appearance. I imagine her saying “Ma stomach looks gud. Don’t point that gun at me.” I was wondering how she looked so cut with a normal stomach, but it didn’t occur to me that her abs were painted on. Someone did a good job, unlike Britney.

Britney is shown outside her lawyer’s office yesterday, where she had a four hour meeting with K-Fed which was said to be about custody of their boys. Thanks to Splash News for these pictures.

I hate American Idol. Fortunately, the country I live in isn’t a fan either, so last year’s NZ Idol winner didn’t even get a recording contract, just a car. Which was probably more useful to them, since no one was going to buy that album anyway. Then all the rejects from the previous two series, from when NZ Idol way in its heyday, got together and fought it out for $50,000. Unfortunately it wasn’t a Gladiator-style fight.

Anyway, it seems American Idol might finally have sucked the talent out of the pool, and is scraping the mildew at the bottom, according to Ryan Seacrest.

TMZ cameras caught the “Idol” host before his jog outside the Mandarin Oriental Hotel in NYC on Sunday — sporting an iPod and an inconspicuous Ed Hardy hat. When asked about the upcoming season of the juggernaut that is “American Idol,” Ryan said they “weren’t great … for 20,000 people, we only found a few good ones.” Is that a change?

TMZ

Actually, the bad auditions are the best part, so maybe things are looking up for the show.

Another sign American Idol is on the way out – low ticket sales for its Idols Live shows.

Reports of attendance and gross receipts for the first 30 of the 57 shows scheduled for the tour, as recorded by Billboard Boxscore, show this year’s crop of 10 Idol finalists is falling short of last year’s concert performance.

No sellouts were reported for the first 30 shows, and only one topped the 93% of capacity mark. (That was the show in Glendale, Ariz., Idol winner Jordin Sparks’ home turf.) Of the 2006 tour’s first 30 shows, 17 were sellouts and another 10 exceeded 93% of capacity.

Nearly half (14) of the shows were below 60% of capacity. (Lowest was 38.9% in Birmingham, Ala., hometown of 2006 winner Taylor Hicks and 2003 champ Ruben Studdard.) In 2006, the lowest-capacity figure in the first 30 shows was 89.3%.

The 2006 tour was the most successful to date, but 2005′s was a lot healthier than the current version. Of the first 29 dates of 2005, 11 were sellouts and four more topped 93%.

USA Today

What will happen if the whole enterprise shuts down? How will record companies find talent? What will Paula Abdul do for a living?

American Idol is back in full force, and the best of the worst are paraded out and ridiculed for your gawking pleasure. The clueless, attention-seekers, and people who are a little bit touched wait days for the priviledge of being mocked by Simon and slurred at with pity by Paula. Randy usually waits to hear what Paula or Simon says and then repeats it, as if he’s playing the children’s game of the same name but doesn’t quite get the rules.

Judges are under fire for being exceptionally cruel to bad contestants this year. Simon called one kid who was a little slow a “bush baby,” saying “you look like one of those creatures that live in the jungle with those massive eyes.” The kid handled it really well, staying positive and telling Simon “that’s your opinion, you’re entitled to it.” The NY Times notes that the guy the fat guy, not this guy is mentally handicapped, because his old school biography lists him as participating in the Special Olympics.

Producers say people know what they’re in for because they pull this shit every season, and the viewers love it. Simon sort-of apologized in a later statement, saying “.. If he’s offended, then I apologize. I might never call anyone a bush baby again.”

Here’s another audition by a Utah computer programmer who takes himself too seriously:

My favorite comment on this video on YouTube was by akaso405, who said “How come nobody ever knows when they suck balls???”

Rosie O’Donnell added her enlightened commentary to the American Idol controversy, (link leads to video) saying “Isn’t that what America thinks is entertainment? To make fun of someone’s physical apperance, and when they leave the room, laugh hysterically at them? Three millionaires, one probably intoxicated?”

“Ever since they started making fun of that guy… William Hung… If you keep serving people crap and telling them that it’s a meal, they’re eventually going to think that it’s a meal.”

She has a point that it’s cruel. Joy Behar said “This is like the new freak show… there’s an appetite for this.” Rosie said that if they put on good singers and showed all the contestants who almost made it that people would watch it too. Maybe they’re aren’t enough decent singers that don’t get picked in the first round, though.

While they shouldn’t make fun of the way people look, it seems well within their rights to make fun of the way they sing, since it’s a singing contest and all. There is such a thing as junk food entertainment. We proudly serve it, and think it’s a metaphor Rosie should be able to understand.

Viewers are eating it up. This season’s premiere was the most-watched show on Fox in six years, with over 37 million people tuning in.

Header picture from ONTD

Update: thanks to everyone who pointed out that it was the fat guy, not this bush baby guy, who is listed as mentally handicapped on his school bio.

You probably heard this already, but I just wanted to post some of the many unflattering pictures of Paula Abdul. Abdul was out at an after-hours party in Hollywood when she ran into a former Creative Artists talent agent, Jim Lefkowitz, who is said to have been offended by her attitude. Abdul said that “a man she knew” threw her against the wall that night leaving her with a concussion and spinal injuries. Her attacker is assumed to be Lefkowitz, although that has not been confirmed.

Her exboyfriend was out with her and also suffered injuries that night. It is thought that he was defending her:

Abdul suffers from a neurological disorder called complex regional pain syndrome that may have made her injuries worse. She used the disorder to explain her erratic behavior on American Idol last season, but it does not seem sufficient to explain away her current problems on the show.

Here’s Abdul on March 23 looking out of it at “An Evening with Liza Minnelli” presented by The Academy of Television Arts and Sciences.

It’s all Simon Cowell’s fault that Abdul blathers about fortune cookies and melons on American Idol:

[via]

Meanwhile Abdul was nearly fired from her job as America’s favorite drunken cheerleader. Producers were said to be looking at Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears as possible replacements:

Abdul must have been a total mess if Simpson or Spears seemed like a more coherent alternative. We think the most likely reason for Abdul’s retention is that her lawyers pointed out her contract to Idol producers. Rather than invite another scandal, they kept Abdul on. It will be surprising if she gets another season on the top-rated show.

Here is Abdul looking glassy-eyed with support from Laura Flynn Boyle at the Jennifer Nicholson fashion show in LA yesterday.

Three more including candids from American Idol after the jump.

(Read more…)

Paula Abdul has been visibly intoxicated on American Idol for at least two seasons now. In some of last season’s auditions, Abdul’s slurred comments are edited down to the bare minimum, and the camera spends very little time on her. Trying to fend off rumors of drug abuse, Paula released a statement in April of last year that she was suffering from a rare neurological disorder that causes burning pain, Complex regional pain syndrome. Here’s what she said at the time:

Notice the distinction Paula makes between taking something for medical and recreational purposes. She never said she doesn’t take drugs, she just said that she doesn’t think she’s addicted and implied that if she is on medication, she needs it for medical reasons.

A year later and Paula’s condition doesn’t provide enough of an excuse. People think she needs to sober up before she goes on live TV, and newspapers are buzzing about her ridiculous behavior:

She went on to mumble something about a fortune cookies, a moth, cornflake, and a melon. This is true.

All of this comes on the heels of Paula’s breech of security at LAX.

Defamer has video of Paula’s breakdown on American Idol, and here’s a clip of a saner, buffer judge as Barry Bonds impersonates Paula Abdul.